Gojyo looked away. With all his heart he wanted to say yes, yes, yes and yes. But his mind and his logic were still working despite the yelling of protest his body made. No… Gojyo thought. There is no way I'm going to fool both me and Hakkai by pretending Hakkai is ready to have another relationship. And risked the fact that Hakkai might get hurt again. Or him.
But Hakkai was a good… no scratched that… Hakkai was an excellent pretender and he? He was the man who cursed when he felt like to, smirked when something amusing came up and slept with women when they came. He lived the life to the fullest and felt things passionately. Hakkai might be able to have a relationship that he didn't enjoy, but Gojyo couldn't. He would feel guilty, felt like he was a bastard and especially felt hurt that he knew he wouldn't want to experience again. He knew how hard it was to have a one-way relationship.
"Gojyo…?"
"No, Hakkai…" Gojyo took a good, cautious step backward, fearing he might lose all his rationality and started to kiss Hakkai. Damn it, does he aware how much he affected me by just looking that? Then Gojyo let out a mental laugh. Of course not. All he can think of is paying back all the debts. "You are not ready…" With his might, Gojyo strained the word 'yet' from escaping. He didn't know about that…
"I am ready," Hakkai protested. What he would give to have a glimpse of Gojyo's mind. Last night, Gojyo's passion was so real, so burningly hot that Hakkai sure Gojyo wasn't pretending. And that kiss… Hakkai could feel a shot of shiver ran through his spine, couldn't decide whether it was from the desire he thought he would never feel again or it was from the dark memories that arose suddenly. Whatever it was, Hakkai knew that his first kiss from Gojyo was irrevocably unforgettable.
"No, you're not, Hakkai." Gojyo took another cautious step backward. And each step that he took was getting heavy and more reluctant. "Quit pretending you can because I can't take it."
Gojyo was slipping away from him, Hakkai realized with a sudden panic. He didn't know why but the more Gojyo moved backward, the more Hakkai felt he was losing his friend. So, he quickly took a few short steps forward, closing the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Gojyo's chest. The redhead was a good few centimeters higher from Hakkai and Hakkai's temple slightly grazed Gojyo's saber-sharped jaws as he put his chin on Gojyo's shoulder, feeling Gojyo's breath ragged slightly, from his nearness, he guessed. Or hoped.
"Gojyo… I am ready," Hakkai's voice came out firm. He was sure as ever, in fact, he had never felt any surer than he felt right now.
"Are you, Hakkai?" Gojyo asked. He could feel the heat Hakkai gave to him with his arms wrapped around his chest and Gojyo had used all his willpower not to return the embrace. "What if I could prove you wrong?" The green-eyed demon lifted his head and looked up at the redhead. In Hakkai's clear emerald eyes, Gojyo could see the questions that were displaying them.
"Like this…" Gojyo's hands came up to grasp Hakkai's jaw, pulling the latter's head upward gently and covered his mouth over the Hakkai's smooth lips. With the expertise that he had practiced over the years, Gojyo coaxed Hakkai to part his lips, so that Gojyo could penetrate in and taste all the flavors that he had tasted last night. Gojyo expected Hakkai to release his embrace around his chest, as the dark memories Gojyo knew would come consumed every inch of Hakkai's mind, but instead, Hakkai was tightening it, secured it, as if he tried to tell Gojyo that he had not the intention to ever letting him go.
Gojyo let out a groan. All his intentions to prove that his friend wasn't ready to be involved in a relationship with him vanished the moment Hakkai drew his body closer and fitted perfectly in Gojyo's body. With an instinct of five hundred years, Gojyo shifted one of his hands from Hakkai's jaws and slid it sensuously to the back of Hakkai's nape, pulling Hakkai's lips closer against his, so he could dive in deeper in the sweet tempting cave of Hakkai's mouth.
The kiss went on, and on, and on… oh, goodness, Hakkai knew it must have an eternity already because to him, all sense of time and being were swept away from him. He couldn't think, he couldn't even open his eyes for all he could do now was feel, feel and feel. His senses heightened in such levels that Hakkai never knew he could feel. Gojyo affected him. He definitely affected him in such an intense and passionate way that Hakkai knew that this was absolutely right. His vacant soul had been searching everywhere to be filled this way… and he had found it.
Gojyo was sweeping him off his feet… Hakkai could feel his legs went weak and his embrace was getting tighter and firmer. And it was at that time, the cursed dark memories decided to attack him. He remembered feeling his knees this weak, it felt so long ago… but not that long… and it wasn't because of being so consumed in desire but from rapidly losing his energy after killing so many demons. He remembered the feeling of breathlessness, but not because of the way Gojyo was so breathtakingly kissing him but from the choking scent of blood. Oh god… the scent was everyway, he couldn't breathe… he was choking and he was damned forever in hell…
Gojyo could feel the similar feeling of trembling that he had anticipated. Shit! I did warn him, didn't I? Slowly Gojyo lifted his flushed lips from Hakkai's and intently watched Hakkai's pale face and close-eyes, wondering whether Hakkai was alright. "Hakkai…" Gojyo called him, when he realized Hakkai wasn't even aware of his current surrounding. Shit…,
"Hakkai!" Gojyo called, this time with more forced tone. "Hakkai! Snap out of it!" Panic seized him and Gojyo now wished he hadn't even tried to prove it to Hakkai. If Hakkai wasn't so damned stubborn, he would have walk out from the house long before the whole kiss started.
The green eyes appeared and for a while they looked wild. But when Hakkai recognized the same compassionate and concerned fiery eyes of his dear friend, he calmed down and still reluctant to let the embrace fall apart. Great… Hakkai thought, feeling his heart sank. "Gojyo… I…"
"Damn foolish, bastard!" Gojyo snarled, not bothered to hide his intense relief when he saw Hakkai had returned from his la-la land. "Don't you dare do that again!"
"I…" Hakkai didn't know what else to say. He was as guilty as charge. He wasn't ready, but stupidly stubborn to say otherwise. Who was he to fool Gojyo? To fool the one who knew him very well? But he still reluctant to release Gojyo's chest.
The atmosphere was so still. Hakkai with his guilt and Gojyo with his quiet anger. But Gojyo didn't know to whom he should be angry with.
Was he angry at the destiny for placing Hakkai at his feet that night? No… it couldn't be that. Finding Hakkai was like finding the purpose of his life again.
Was he angry with Hakkai for invoking such burning passion and emotion in him? Maybe… but then, if Hakkai didn't, Gojyo wouldn't know he could feel something beyond lust.
Was he angry with himself for being so easily ensnared by Hakkai's allure? …Yes! If only he kept his eyes only on all the pretty girls around him, he wouldn't be in this predicament.
But now you are, Gojyo, you want him with all your heart, your being; you could taste it with your tongue and feel it with your fingertips. … … What are you going to do now?
Gojyo closed his eyes. He could no longer deny that more than he could deny the sun when its time had come to replace the moon. The feeling was so real and it came so fast that he couldn't avoid even he wanted too. He knew how he felt about Hakkai; the guy who had come into his life almost two years ago and colored his life with his porcelain smiles and deep but empty green stares.
"Gojyo, I…" Hakkai tried again as he pulled himself away from Gojyo, so he could see Gojyo's face. The silence was killing him. It wasn't like Gojyo at all to just keep silent and not venting all his anger and frustration to him. But Gojyo's face was almost expressionless.
"Don't do this…" Hakkai said. The painful tugged in his heart was too obvious to be ignored. "Don't shut me out. I-"
"Tell me something, Hakkai," Gojyo said, cutting off Hakkai's next word. "When you said you are ready, did you say it out of gratitude of what I've done to you for these past years or you really mean the words you've said."
Gojyo watched Hakkai's face, wondering whether his words had hit the mark. But the surprise look in his face was as if Gojyo told him that today was Monday not Tuesday. Damn his fucking mask! Gojyo couldn't judge Hakkai. Not until he ripped the mask apart!
"How could you think like that," Hakkai answered back, his tone was almost inaudible and his face turned pale. "Do you think I'm some kind of whore that needs to be paid?" It was Hakkai's turn to retreat. His green eyes looked up, searching for Gojyo's red ones; searching for assurance that he didn't mean it. Not the way Hakkai thought he would. But when Hakkai found none, his fists curled up and trembling from the pressure.
Gojyo could throw himself to cliff right now. He never meant to hurt Hakkai. But he was hurting too and all he could think of was hurting Hakkai back. Looking at Hakkai's disbelief and angry face, he knew he had succeeded but why he felt so damned fucking bad? "Hakkai… I didn't mean that-"
Gojyo never had the chance to finish his apologies when Hakkai's powerful fist connected to his jaw. The assault was unexpected and Gojyo stumbled backward in shock as his hand instantaneously covered his jaws and bleeding lips.
Hakkai's green eyes were blazing and alive for the first time for two years and despite Gojyo's shock of Hakkai's assault, he couldn't help noticing how much beautiful Hakkai's eyes were if they were glittering with anger rather than empty with nothingness. "I have given you my pride and dignity when I said that I want you and you… you… " Hakkai was breathless with the anger he felt in his heart and he let go another punch. "You shredded them by saying those words!" He felt warm. The anger he felt towards Gojyo warmed the ice he built around his heart.
Gojyo wiped the blood away, noticing the transformation of Hakkai, from cold and isolated into hot and burning with emotion. He wanted Hakkai like this. He wanted Hakkai to punch him when he was angry. He wanted Hakkai to laugh when he was happy. He wanted Hakkai to kiss him when he wanted him. He wanted Hakkai to show him a sign to support his words. How could anyone say 'I want you' with face so expressionless and eyes so blank? Why would anyone with any pride believed those words? And Gojyo was the man who had a great deal of pride.
When Hakkai saw that Gojyo didn't say anything back, the anger he felt doubled. "You think I feel indebted to you, aren't you?" The ice was melting. The fire of anger was burning so hot. "Well, I am! But I am not that cheap that I would go around and say 'I want you' to anyone who saves my life!" He walked toward Gojyo and stood so close in front of him, radiating the heat of anger. "And I thought it was you who kiss me FIRST!" Hakkai shouted the last word.
Gojyo blinked at Hakkai's sudden outburst. He had never seen this side of Hakkai in his all life and if anyone asked, Gojyo would say he liked this so damn much. Who said Hakkai was so dull and soft-spoken? Suddenly, Gojyo laughed. A laugh that came straight from the heart and stopped the suspicious venom from seeping deeper into his mind and heart. This was the sign! It was the bloody sign that he had wanted Hakkai to show him!
The laugh caused Hakkai's anger to fade a little and confusion creased his brows. "What's so funny?"
Gojyo didn't answer. He was so light-hearted that he could take Hakkai to the bed right now and continue where he had left off last night. But he knew, despite the sign that Hakkai showed him, Hakkai still couldn't take the fast-moving relationship that Gojyo usually had. He wasn't ready but he wanted it as much as Gojyo did. If Hakkai asked him to wait for him, Gojyo knew he would wait for him for as long as Hakkai wanted him to, now that he had the sign from Hakkai.
Instead of answering Hakkai's question, he captured Hakkai's eyes with his deep and intense blood-red eyes, so they would look into him as well. Gojyo lifted his hand (the same hand that he used to wipe off the blood from his lips) and caressed Hakkai's jaws, leaving a faint trail of red liquid along it.
Hakkai was dumbfounded. Gojyo's sudden transformation from laughing into intensely sensual was surprising. But the feel of Gojyo feather-like touches totally wasn't expected. Hakkai thought Gojyo would punch him back after those two punches that managed to split his lips. But judging the way Gojyo's red-velvet eyes caressing his eyes and the way Gojyo's fingers softly teasing his jaws, he knew Gojyo was more likely going to kiss him.
"Hakkai…" Gojyo whispered and Hakkai could hear a faint laughing sound in his whisper. More like relief. "You drive me hot for one second and leave me cold and unsatisfied next. And now… after all the commotion, you drive me hot once again in just a matter of second." As he whispered those words, he pulled Hakkai's head upward so his lips would accessible for his lips and tongue. ""I will be a fool to let you have that much effects on me." His lips were only a breath away when Gojyo stopped. "And you know what, Hakkai…?"
Hakkai drew out a shaky breath, whether from anticipation or dread, amazed by how easy it was for Gojyo to wove his spell around him. If Gojyo was talking about driving someone hot and leaving him unsatisfied, it was supposed to be Gojyo, not him. "W…What?"
"I am a fool after all," Gojyo said with a smile and his lips touched Hakkai's lips once again. And again, Hakkai closed his eyes and feel the sensation of Gojyo's tongue exploring his mouth. Ah…yes, he could do this a thousand times and even more. It was as if he had done this before. The feeling of déjà vu consumed him when Hakkai wrapped his arms around Gojyo's neck and slid his hand through Gojyo's thick mane. It was getting stronger when he felt Gojyo pulled him closer and caressed the spine along his back
When Gojyo kissed him, the world seemed to be Hakkai's smallest concern. He cared less about Gojyo's words, intentions and sudden change. He cared even less his anger. He could feel Gojyo carried him to… to where…? He couldn't see with his eyes closed and he didn't even want to open it. Soft… warm… it was bed. Oh… Gojyo wanted to do it now? In a bright daylight? Well, he wasn't complaining of course, if it means he could see all Gojyo had got to offer. That was, if he could open his eyes.
He could feel Gojyo's lips were leaving him. A disappointing groan almost escaped but he wisely held it back. It wasn't good if Gojyo knew the effect he had on him. Well, he would keep it back as long as he could, which wasn't long since, Gojyo's lips were already biting and licking his neck as of he was an ice-cream. A warm ice cream that was it. …It felt so good, he had almost forgotten about it… and he was glad it was Gojyo who was going make him remembered it back.
Great…he bit his lips to forbid any sound from coming out but Gojyo was already on his flat stomach, kissing every scar and disrobing him with a sudden rush of impatient. He guessed he had only a matter of second before Gojyo had finished disrobing him and he would be groaning and panting, discarding all his intention not to let out any sound. Oh… great… Gojyo had finished and he could hear the sound of his clothes tossed onto the floor. Or was it Gojyo's? Who knew? Maybe both…
Just as Hakkai prepared himself for the sensation that he knew Gojyo would give him, dark memories began to found their way in. Please… Hakkai prayed… please not now. Not when he was so close to have Gojyo. Torture me later when this was all over and I won't complain a bit… Just let me experience this…
Not yet… Gojyo… Gojyo told himself. Not so fast… or you will frighten him again… With much difficulty, Gojyo pulled himself away from the thing that tempted him the most and trailed down his kisses along Hakkai's smooth back and ended his kiss onto back of Hakkai's neck. He could feel Hakkai's body trembled as he embraced him from behind. Shit…
Gojyo placed a kiss on Hakkai's ear and whispered, "Hakkai… don't go there."
He could hear Gojyo's calling but it was so far and he didn't know where to go, so he could go to the voice. But from the deepest part of his mind started to bring the sound of dying demons back to life. The accusing but yet heart-breaking voice of his lover before she cut her throat and ended her life in front of him. The sounds were killing him, ripping his sane mind away…
Gojyo pulled Hakkai closer. "Come back, Hakkai… Don't go where I can't go…"
The voice was calling him again. It wasn't like any of the sounds… just voice… calling him back. Get a grip of yourself, Hakkai! A sudden strength within him emerged and with that Hakkai opened his eyes. He looked back and saw Gojyo. No accusation, no anger… Gojyo looked at him in such an indescribable way.
"Gojyo… I…" Hakkai started because he felt he was compelled to do so.
But Gojyo just kissed him and after a while he lifted his lips again. "Ask me," Gojyo commanded.
"Ask you what?" Hakkai was confused and he was breathless too.
"Ask me to wait for you."
Hakkai's eyes went wide with comprehension. "Gojyo, I could never do that. I…I may never get over my past and if I ever did, it may take forever. I don't want you to wait. I don't want to wait. I want you…now."
"Ask me, Hakkai!"
"I won't." Hakkai said stubbornly. "I am bound forever to have this curse. To remember my sins for as long as I live. If I asked you to wait for me, we may never…"
"Damn it, Hakkai! I've waited for you for five hundred years already! A few more years don't concern me that much!" Gojyo said harshly. He was so frustrated that he didn't know what he was talking about.
"It may take more than…" Hakkai stopped and looked at Gojyo. "Five hundred years?"
"What?" Gojyo asked back.
"You said you've waited for me for five hundred years. Why?"
"I did? I… I… Shit! I don't know, okay! It just came out from nowhere. Anyway, ask me Hakkai."
"Why are you doing this? Don't you want me?" Hakkai asked quietly.
Gojyo's eyes softened and he could feel lust tightened his body. "You have no idea what you are doing to me! I want you so damn much that I wouldn't be surprised if I ever waited for you for five hundred years. But waiting that long… Hakkai, I want all. Not just what you can offer, what you have to offer. I know you have more to give, Hakkai. And if it takes time, then I'll give you time."
"Gojyo… I… What if I never…" Hakkai couldn't finish his sentence. He wanted to please Gojyo right now, right in this broad daylight but he didn't want to be trapped in his memories again.
"Bullshit!" Gojyo objected fiercely. "I will get you through this. Even it takes for the rest of my life, I will get you through this!"
Hakkai looked at Gojyo's eyes and he saw determination. He knew he couldn't deny Gojyo's request any longer. Taking a deep breath, Hakkai opened his mouth. "Gojyo, will you wait for me?"
Gojyo smiled. "Yes, I will."
Hakkai smiled too. He didn't know why. Maybe it was because Gojyo was smiling. "So, what about the phrase 'so long we both are aware of that'?"
"Well, I think…" Gojyo took the chance to kiss the smiling lips of Hakkai. "That phrase can go to straight to hell!" And he continued the kiss.
* * * * * *
Sorry. I take so long to finish this. Phew… Okay now, please review! ^_^