Crushed

Monica has discovered her feelings for Chandler too late. The man that was meant to be hopeless with women was suddenly doing well, very well and she could do nothing but watch from the sidelines. When you're forced to watch your crush day in and day out with another woman it hurts. It crushes you. Mondler AU. Angst...in case you hadn't figured that out.

A/N - hey guys I'm back and for once it isn't Chandler with the crush! I know, it surprised me too! This is my attempt at an alternative season 4 with Monica being the main focus. It's about 8-10 chapters and is mostly all written but the ending needs a good rework...although I'm kinda holding off a little in case I lose you all before the end of this...but hopefully not...we'll wait and see...anyhow, onto part 1...

"That would never happen," Chandler laughed that rich laugh of his and Monica couldn't resist turning her head to discreetly study him.

The light from the television flickered across his smiling relaxed face in the otherwise darkened room. His hair was mussed in that cute way he kept doing lately, the way she loved it. His eyes were creased in the corners, that perfect shade of blue dancing and filled with so much love…love that was not aimed at her.

"Oh sush, it so could happen," the woman that the love was directed at laughed at him and he cuddled her closer, kissing the top of her head before letting his fingers lazily stroke through the short red strands.

Monica swallowed, looking away trying to force her attention back onto the movie they were all watching and away from the happy couple that had started to make out in the overstuffed chair. Her insides clenched; that used to be their chair.

Chandler used to always snuggle up to Monica in that chair, his arm flung over her shoulders making her feel so warm and comfortable. They had lazy days lounging on it, emotional midnight talks on it, crying, hugging, laughing, snuggling...they'd done it all on their chair...but not now, not any more.

Now he had Kathy.

And Kathy made him happy.

And it was good he was happy she reminded herself, trying to push the gut-wrenching sadness aside. It wasn't his fault that his current happiness was causing her current misery, that unknowingly his Yin was her Yang.

No she couldn't blame him. It was her problem.

Suddenly there was a quiet giggle and unable to stop herself, Monica looked over at them once again, catching him whispering in her ear and chuckling deeply. Flirting. His hand was subtly moving up his girlfriend's thigh and she kissed him again, her hand on his gorgeous cheek, her perfectly painted nails caressing his no doubt perfect skin.

There was some more secret whispering before they untangled quickly, jumping up from the chair, "We're just gonna..." he gestured to the door, his hand still tightly gripping Kathy's as they hurriedly made it to the exit, not even bothering to come up with an excuse as they left.

At least she wouldn't have to watch them and listen to them…but now they were across the hall doing even more things to each other and making even more noise. She screwed up her face, unsure which was worse. Damn it, why did she have to fall for Chandler? Why did she have to wait and do it when he had a girlfriend? When for the first time in a longtime he was happy and in love and had possibly found his 'one'?

It wasn't fair.

And all signs pointed that he was gonna stay with Kathy, Monica was sure of that. She'd probably even get him over his commitment issues and marry him; they'd live the dream and have a couple of kids, settling down in a large house in the suburbs complete with the cliched white picket fence.

And Monica? She'd die an old bitter maid, or an old bitter spinster cook at least. She cracked an ironic smile as she remembered her conversation with Chandler outside the coffee shop all those months ago. How so much had changed since then. She desperately wished she could turn back time, back to that moment and the weekend that had followed. If she had changed her answer, just once, maybe it would be different now? Maybe she would be the one across the hall with him, giggling happily as his no doubt talented hands worked their magic...

She sighed heavily in regret; how had she not seen what was in front of her until it was too late?

"It's weird seeing him so happy," Phoebe commented suddenly, causing Monica to look over at her friend, "he's like a little happy puppy! Are you sure you're alright with it, Joey?"

"Fine," he shrugged around a mouthful of popcorn, "it was weird at first but I'm used to it now. Plus, when Chandler gets some it benefits me too as he's less cranky. Besides, I'm still getting plenty of sex anyway, so," he shrugged, "it doesn't really bother me."

Monica tried to hide her wince, wishing it didn't really bother her. She didn't want to imagine Chandler 'getting some' unless it was with her...which she did unfortunately imagine...way too often in fact. She was unable to stop herself imagining it, even dreaming about it repeatedly. She'd gotten carried away with that damn diagram a few weeks ago. Closing her eyes she'd imagined Chandler with her, pleasuring her, picturing them together so vividly in her mind's eye…only to crash back to the crappy reality, he wasn't ever going to touch her that way, he was going to use what she'd taught him to please Kathy.

Kathy.

She screwed up her face, not wanting to imagine Chandler remembering the numbers and using them to please his girlfriend.

It really wasn't fair.

"How long do you think it will be before he screws it up?" Rachel asked casually.

Guilty hope fluttered in Monica's chest; she knew it shouldn't. It wasn't fair to wish any unhappiness on him, he was her best friend and he was happy, that was the important thing. She had to force herself to remember that. Chandler's happiness was key.

"I think she's a keeper," Ross commented, unknowingly causing her small piece of hope to shatter and her stomach to sink. "She's a definite improvement on Janice."

"Hello Chandler Bing!" Phoebe did her usual impression and everyone laughed, everyone except for Monica.

She needed to be doing something other than talking about Chandler's lovelife, past or present and she'd missed too much of the movie to try and get back into it. She looked around, looking for anything to do. Cleaning was her usual vice but that would look weird in front of the others; it was Friday night and the apartment was already 'Monica' clean.

Stifling her sigh, she noticed there were some empty glasses and plates lying around, so she got up and started to clear those.

"Hey, I'm still eating here!" Joey protested and Monica blinked, releasing his plate quickly.

"Sorry," she mumbled, knowing Phoebe and Rachel were exchanging glances, again.

They were worried about her, she knew that. They kept asking again and again if she was ok and again and again she'd lie with a simple 'I'm fine.' And the subject would reluctantly be dropped...until the next time.

Monica knew though it wouldn't be long before she caved and admitted everything to them, maybe even tonight. She desperately needed their support. She was finding it harder and harder to hide, harder and harder to cope with; who knew unrequited love could be so crappy? That crushes could actually crush you.

She cleared away the few things she could, pleased that the conversation had been dropped and the others were half watching the movie and half watching Joey's hamster impression-stuffing his cheeks full of popcorn. Phoebe squeezed them causing a couple of pieces to come flying out of his mouth and everyone laughed. She tried to crack a smile when Rachel looked her way but she suspected it wasn't quick or realistic enough.

It wasn't long before the boys left. Ross to head home and Joey to walk with him to the nearest bar and see if there were any drunk women looking for a mysterious midnight man to go home with. She shook her head, Joey would never change. Once the door closed behind them an uncomfortable silence settled between the girls and Monica swallowed, knowing they were trying to find the best way to broach the subject yet again.

They shouldn't have worried though as Monica knew it was time to talk to them. Time to give in and confide in them and seek their much needed comfort and support. The little crush she'd kept from them, the crush she could totally handle, hadn't disappeared. Instead it had snowballed, going from crush, to madly in-love, faster than she'd been prepared for. The last month had been so tough on her, trying to keep her emotions reigned in in front of them all.

She had always considered herself strong, but at the moment she was seriously questioning that judgement. She had been worn down and needed their support. She needed them to get her through this one because her usual source of comfort, the one person she so desperately wanted, that she hopelessly longed for, wasn't an option.

Taking a deep breath, she turned to face them and before they could even ask she slumped her shoulders defeated.

This was it.

"I'm in love with Chandler," she blurted out, causing their heads to shoot up and look directly at her, their eyes wide.

With a resigned sigh she left the kitchen area and joined them on the couch, waiting for the inevitable fallout from her confession.

"Chandler?" Rachel repeated, clearly shocked. "Our Chandler?"

Monica nodded sadly.

"Since when?" Phoebe asked, a little gentler than Rachel had been.

"About the time he was busy falling in love with Kathy," she admitted quietly, "ironic, huh?" She tried to smile but it crumbled quickly.

Rachel pulled her into a hug as Phoebe stroked her back, "Is that why you've been so down lately?" she asked.

"Pretty much," Monica nodded, feeling her eyes fill with fresh tears, "falling hopelessly in love with one of your best friends when he's happy and touchy-feely with someone else isn't exactly easy."

"Oh sweetie, I know," Rachel nodded sadly, "I remember how much it sucked when I saw Ross at the airport with Julie. And every time I saw them hold hands or kiss or..."

Monica squeezed her eyes shut against images of Chandler and Kathy holding hands, kissing, doing whatever they were doing right now...and nodded in agreement. It sucked alright.

"You should have told us sooner," Phoebe scolded lightly as she handed her some tissues, "we could have helped."

"I know," she confessed quietly, gratefully accepting the tissue and wiping her eyes, "I thought I could handle it. That it was just a fleeting crush and it would just pass and that over time everything would go back to being normal again."

"It hasn't?" Rachel guessed sympathetically.

She shook her head, trying to stop the tears. She hated crying.

"It's got worse," she admitted. "It's just got harder and I...I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Look," Rachel said, "it's not that late and it's Friday night. Let's turn it into a girly one. We've already got films, there's a stash of chocolate in the cupboard that Joey hasn't found yet and there's a couple bottles of wine. Phoebe, you can borrow some of my PJs...let's have a good time."

Monica smiled through the tears, beyond grateful, "That sounds perfect. Thank you guys."

It had been perfect. Her friends had been amazing, supplying her with just the right amounts of alcohol, sympathy and cheesy movies to help start to heal her. She'd found herself genuinely laughing and smiling for the first time in what felt like forever. It had been a late but satisfying night and when she had turned in she'd slept soundly; Chandler hadn't made a single appearance in any of her dreams.

She felt…lighter almost. As if no longer having to keep it a secret from everyone made it a smaller, less significant secret. The weight now shared among the three of them.

"Hey!"

"Hey," she replied throwing a genuine smile at Chandler as he bounded through her front door.

Monica was still in love with him. He still caused the butterflies and rapid heartbeat within her, but that was ok. She just had to hide it from him and then she could go and vent to the girls about how hard it was. The fact she had support waiting for her made it that much easier.

She'd get through this.

"You've certainly cheered up," Chandler observed, grinning as he collapsed next to her, his side squishing into hers.

"Yeah," she agreed.

Like Phoebe and Rachel, Chandler had suspected something wasn't right with her recently. He may have been busy being all loved up but he'd noticed and tried to talk several times with her but she'd done her best to lie and dismiss it, dismiss him.

"What's changed?" he asked curiously, reaching over her to grab a chip from the bowl in her hands.

"We had a girly night," she shrugged, trying to play it down, "whatever grump I was in, I'm not now."

"You had a girly night without me?" he asked in mock outrage, causing her to giggle.

"Sorry, I'll ensure you get invited next time," she teased bumping his shoulder.

She'd tried to avoid alone time with him and now sitting here, just the two of them, she realized how much she'd missed it.

"Make sure you do," he smiled that smile and she felt herself getting lost in his baby blues, "actually next time, could you maybe do me a favor and invite Kathy?" She tensed, praying he wouldn't notice the sudden tension, "I really want you guys to like her as much as I do...well not quite that much but ya know get her more established in the group. I'm hoping she'll be around for a long time."

"S-sure," she stuttered, the weight settling back onto her once again heavy shoulders. Keeping her emotions from Chandler was still going to be hard she sadly realized. Trying to push down her feelings she pushed herself up off the chair, away from him and headed to the fridge in the pretence of getting a drink.

"You o-k?" she could hear the frown in his voice but purposely didn't look at him.

"Yeah, great," she lied, "just fancied some soda."

"Oh, ok..." again she could hear his confusion. She could tell that he could tell she wasn't ok. Would he call her on it? Try and dig deeper? "Oh, I was thinking, Kathy's new play is opening next Friday. Do you wanna come see it with me?"

He looked so proud of Kathy that she swallowed, looking away again quickly. She couldn't go watch his girlfriend star in a play. The thought of watching her on stage, watching her with jealous eyes whilst having an excited Chandler sitting next to her whispering to her repeatedly how fantastic Kathy was throuhgout. Then the evening would no doubt round up with having to wait around backstage for the star to emerge to hug and kiss Chandler as he congratulated her before they all shared a cab home. They wouldn't be able to keep their hands off each other and she'd be a third wheel sitting depressed in the corner trying to look at anything but them until they got home and barely remembered to throw a good night over their shoulders as they hurried into his apartment to do stuff.

"No!" she blurted out causing Chandler to frown at her.

"No?" he questioned.

"No...um, I'm, uh working Friday," she played with the drink in her hands.

"Oh, ok, no biggie," he tried, still aware of the tension in the air between them but not understanding it. "I can just take Ross or someone."

He was still watching her carefully and she knew that, trying to act as normally as possible.

"It's exciting she's in her own play," she tried, hoping to distract him with his favorite subject. Kathy. The man could unfortunately talk about her for hours.

Chandler remained silent though, still frowning as his eyes studied her.

"Ye-ah," he finally spoke. "Monica, what's wrong? You were the happiest I'd seen you in weeks and now I've brought you back down. What did I do?"

She'd love to tell him. Tell him it's what he didn't do was the problem but she couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair to what him and Kathy had and would make things even more awkward. Plus, she ran the risk him hating her, or him telling Kathy who might ban him from seeing her, and then he'd leave the group, leave her. She couldn't bear the thought of that.

"Nothing," she lied no doubt badly. "Maybe I can come and watch one of the shows the following week – we could all go?" It would be better if everyone was there. Phoebe and Rachel would be sure to help buffer her from Chandler doing the proud boyfriend act.

"Mon?"

She met his worried blue eyes. She hated that he was so concerned for her, that by not sharing her problem she was making him feel worse. He didn't realize she had to do this, that she was doing this to protect him; to shield him. He probably thought she didn't trust him and if the roles were reversed she'd be incredibly hurt if he refused to confide in her but she couldn't share this with him, sharing wasn't an option.

It had to be this way.

"I-"

At that moment the door thankfully swung open and Rachel entered, "Hey," she greeted although she picked up on the tension immediately. She threw Monica a questioning look and she nodded subtly letting her know she was ok; a gesture that Chandler caught, confusing him even more.

"We're just talking about Kathy's new play," Monica informed her quickly, "I was saying we should all go together later in the week?"

"Oh," realization came into Rachel's eyes and again Chandler caught it. "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!"

She walked further into the room, settling herself onto the armchair and Chandler narrowed his eyes at her. She wasn't going to budge, meaning no privacy. His eyes landed back on Monica who looked relieved and a lot more relaxed now that the back-up had arrived.

"Great," Chandler sighed, knowing the opportunity to talk had gone, "I better go invite Ross for Friday," he threw one last look at Monica who nodded in agreement, before he sighed heavily, shaking his head slightly and leaving.

"What did I interrupt?" Rachael asked as soon as he closed the door.

"Nothing major," Monica sighed collapsing next to her. "He was talking about Kathy and I got a bit down and he tried to get me to talk to him. It's so hard Rach because I always talk to him about stuff. He knows something's bothering me, just like you guys did. He's not going to let this go, so I've either got to get over him fast or get a lot better at hiding it."

"You will, give it time," Rachel promised, "or you'll end up telling him, which could be a good thing. You're close, always have been. You can get through this."

"I don't want him to find out," Monica protested sharply. "It will mess with his head too much. He's happy with Kathy, really happy and I won't ruin that. He's tried so hard and he deserves to be happy."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "I'm not saying you should deliberately try and sabotage the relationship," she protested, "I'm just saying I don't think it would necessarily be a bad thing if the two of you talked about it, got it out in the open."

"It would be a very bad thing, trust me," Monica disagreed stubbornly. "And it's not happening, right?"

"Fine, we'll do it your way," Rachel promised, holding up her hands in defeat.

"Thank you," Monica sighed. "I'm sorry...I'm just..."

"I know," her soothed, getting up and pulling her into a hug. "It hurts now but you'll get through this."

Monica nodded, swallowing hard.

She could get through it and she would get through it.

She had too.

Somehow...

A/N: I would love to hear your thoughts on the start. A bit slow I know, but hopefully it's set the scene a little...

Anyhow, have a great weekend all :o)