No matter where the Emperor, or occasionally a mercurial daemon has seen fit to send me there are commonalities and similarities everywhere. Take the existence of 'pleasure planets' for example. I guess it's a case of reputation and specialistaion gone mad but even quite stoic and reserved societies have them. Like the United Federation of Planets, or simply The Federation. Despite being very strange, claiming to have eschewed money, militerism and materialism they still feel the need to kick back and relax. When a Federation citizen decides they need a break the first destination they think of is Risa. Of course, The Federation being what it is they have not failed to put their own peculiar mark on things.

"Please highlight the regions in the holocube that correspond to your sexual preferences?" I said aloud. I was filling out the visitors entry form. Nothing strange in that, filling out forms has been a staple of my life and while dull it has been a rare thing for anything life threatening to occur as a result of doing so. Of course this form was a small electronic device with wires leading to electrodes you put on your head.

"Just push the light pen about the cube. It will record whether you're stimulated or not. That then allows it to form your psychosexual glyph." said Lieutentant Grigg.

"My what?" I said. As I did so I put the light pen in the cube. I recieved a flash of scales, numbness and a sharp jab in my backside. "What the..."

"It's an advanced profile which you then load into your comm. You can then use it to check someone elses. The more they match the more compatible you'll be. And try up there first." said Grigg pointing to one corner of the cube.

"Why arn't you doing this?" I asked, somewhat annoyed at another bizzare personal intrusion from this supposedly free society.

"Normally it would be because I'm in Starfleet and they already have all this. But since the Borg I'm also pretty much a blank slate." said Grigg.

"Back home we just ask which gender you are." I said.

Lieutenant Grigg had been one of the lucky ones when the Enterprise had been boarded by the creepy, alien Borg, a species with a fetish for turning everyone into a cogboy. Of course lucky is relative. Lt Grigg had been restrained and was having his limbs amputated prior to being borgified when rescued. It goes without saying that the Borg do not employ aneasthetic. While limb reattachment and regeneration is well within the scope of a Federation medicae, fixing the mind is another thing. As a result Lt. Grigg was off to one of the most pleasant places in the Federation for mental reconstruction and recovery. I, on the other hand had requested to visit Risa while the Federation worked out what to do with me. Risa sounded like a nice place and I figured even the Federation couldn't warp and mutate the idea of R and R. The device asking me various questions was making me doubt that however.

Both of us were aboard the White Star Line, a ship dedicated to transporting people from one system to another. Being a Federation built vessel they had no ruck with cramped quarters but had extensive facilities like a swimming pool, gymnasium, several holo suites and three different dining areas. The staterooms, while spartan were comfortable. I imagine one could have a very pleasant time merely touring the galaxy on the White Star Line and her sister vessels.

It was about three weeks into a very pleasant journey when life returned to normal.

I awoke with a start, something was wrong. As I looked around Alana, an attractive replicator programmer stirred beside me.

"No more. I'm too tired now." she mumbled.

"It's not that." I said. "Do you hear anything?"

"No."

"That's what has me worried." I said.

Every type of ship has it's own distinctive set of noises, be they mechanical rumblings, thumps, bangs, intercessory prayers or screams. The starships of The Federation have a deep, soft hum to them. The White Star Line's had stopped. This is never a good thing. I reached down the side of the bed to where I had left my clothes and more importantly, my chainsword.

Well, when I say my chainsword, I mean the one fabricated for me by Worf. Worf was a Klingon, a xeno species which had taken to the weapons like greeting a long lost cherished relative. My particular service chainsword was hopefully being maintained by Jurgen in my own universe. Still this particular chainsword had saved my neck and other body parts several times already and I was becoming familiar with it own peculiar idiosyncrasies.

I quickly got dressed in, well, the less said about civilian fashions in the Federation the better. I just got dressed.

"Wait here. Lock the door and don't let anyone in until the emergancy is over." I said.

"What's wrong. Oh, look. The starbow. It's stopped." Alana said.

I quickly risked a glance at the window. I had yet to get used to The Federation's habit of sticking windows, viewports, portholes and galleries in their ship hulls through which literally anything could crawl through. Normally you would see a streaking of starlight or 'starbow' courtesy of the ships travel through space. It wasn't there, only a couple of stationary specks. Which was bad.

"Wait here." I repeated. I then left the room, turned and made for the ship's shuttle bay. Unfortunately I soon ran into Lieutenat Grigg. He tossed me a phaser, The Federation's jack of all trades energy weapon.

"Ready for some fun?" he said. "Let's get down to engineering and see if we can surprise them." he strode off puposefully.

Reluctant to damage my reputation or give the Federation Thought Police any excuses I followed.

"Who are they?" I asked.

"Who knows? They've used some sort of warp dampening field. That sort of tech's not hard to come by. Could be Orions, Klingon renegades, Pirates or even Indigs with attitude." he said.

"Why are we not talking to them first?" I said, a little suprised. The Federation's first, second, third and counting options was to talk. And how. I suspected most beings, after dealing with Federation diplomats readily agree to anything if they'll just shut up after several hours of negotiations. Grigg just smiled at me.

"I've undegone extreme psycological trauma and am pending treatment. I'll just add this little aberation to my counselor's to do list." Grigg said.

"Well okay." I said.

We took the lift and hid on either side of the doors when it stopped. Grigg opened the doors and we looked out.
Three short grey skinned humanoids dressed in some mesh-like body armour and armed with whips and pistols prowled about the engineering bay. Again, for the xenos in this universe they were pretty much human standard and had nothing to prevent them from being drafted into the Guard. Their ears were a bit on the big side and their features were on the 'only a mother would love' side of the attractiveness spectrum, but nowhere as outlandish or ugly as an Ogryn. Grigg grinned.

"Or they could be Ferengi. On three. One, two..."

"Three."

Grigg and I fired. Grigg swept his weapon to hit all three while I opted for a head shot. The mesh armour managed to disapate the stun beam where it connected causing the the mesh suits to glow and crackle. Their wearers howled in what I hoped was pain and dived for cover. Fortunately my target's head did not confer the same protection and he went down as if punched by an ogryn.

"Damn civilian models." said Grigg.

We ducked back as the Ferengi popped up and fired several red bolts in our direction. Judging by the marks they left on the lift wall they were not intended to merely stun.

"What do we do now?" I wondered aloud.

"We could rush them." said Grigg as we returned some fire of our own. "I'll lay down some suppressing fire and you close with your chainsword." Great, Grigg had "Gone Kirk" on me, to use a local phrase. I had no doubt I could take one, but two? I also realised I had no idea of the capabilities of these 'Ferengi' or their weapons.

"Hmmm." I said playing for time while I tried to think of a less foolhardy plan. It was fortunate that the Ferengi were having the same thoughts.

"Starfleet?" said one.

"Yes." said Grigg.

"We did not anticipate Starfleet being here. Perhaps, we shall talk? Come to a Deal?" said the Ferengi.

"You're pirates. You have attacked a civilian vessel in Federation space. I think my friend and I here should just get on with the business of stunning you and then our captain can decide whether to throw you out the airlock." said Grigg.

"Pirates? You are mistaken Starfleet. We are free enterprisers performing a small job for our captain. We intend only to delay this vessel so he can make a Deal with a passenger. We do not intend to acquire this vessel. It would be far too difficult to onsell. There's no market. But, if you could aquire Peregrine shuttle I can give excellent Deal." the alien said.

"Who's the passenger?" I asked with a sinking feeling that I knew already.

"Just an ordinairy ooman. A civilian named Ciaphas Cain. Would you know him?" said the Ferengi.

"What an odd name." said the other.

"Never heard of him." I said quickly before Grigg spoiled the moment with the truth. "What's in it for me if I find him for you?"

"You don't sound like Starfleet." the alien said.

"Just a Rogue Trader. Not even really part of the Federation." I replied.

"Well then, friend, we should Deal." the Ferengi said.

"Yes, we make you equal partner. We all share in finder's bonus when we aquire this 'Cain'." said the other.

"You can't honestly expect to deal with Ferengi." said Grigg, a look of betrayal crossing his face.

Grigg was a nice person, but did suffer from the Federation's qualities of honesty and openess. Also, he was a little unbalanced. So I shot him. If that sounds harsh, it was only a stun weapon and he was probably safer unconscious. Grigg collapsed and I retrieved his phaser, mainly to make sure he couldn't work more mischief when he awoke.

The two Ferengi then revived their companion and charged him for the service. They then continued to lock down engineering while I made Grigg more comfortable.

We then set about patrolling the ship looking for, well, me. I could tell my new companions trusted me as much as I trusted them and wondered what I should do before we found someone who knew what I looked like.

"So you know this Cain" said a Ferengi.

"I know of him. He owes me money." I said. This seemed to satisfy the aliens with regard to my motives.

We crept about for a while more before the leader decided another line of inquiry.

"Say friend, what is your name." he said, looking at a datapad.

"I..." I was interupted by a red flash and the appearance of a band of klingons, armed for ambul.

"Cain!" said Tactical Officer Lukth, who appeared to be in charge. "What are you doing with these Ferengi?"

"You are Cain?" said the lead Ferengi.

"No time! Just drop them." I yelled and shot the same Ferengi in the head again, stunning him again. I then dived to one side to dodge one of the energy whips. By the time I had recovered the Klingons had made short work of their startled opponents.

"Very clever, Mr Cain. I look forward to Dealing with you in the future." said their leader as he passed out.

Meanwhile Lukth fixed me with a look.

"Well?" she said.

"Well what?" I said.

"What are you doing?" she said.

"Improvising. What are you doing?"

"Rescuing you. Lukth to Krom. We have the prey. Beam us back." she said.

There was another red flash and the interior of the White Star Line vanished.