Well, hello everyone. Hopefully you can tell by my name that this is a
spoof. It's not meant to be an insult to anyone. I love the movie Sleepy
Hollow, and this is a spoof of that specific version of the story of the
Headless Horseman. If you flame me, I will use said flames to keep my home
warm and toasty.
As with pretty much all of my comedies, this is written with a lot of help from my brother, MysticButtCrystal. Like the hippo, we are pure evil, but know not what we do.
Disclaimer: We don't own any of this. Besides, it's not worth suing us for our pocket lint.
###################################################################### ######################################################################
On a dark, stormy night, Billy Bob rode in a horse-drawn carriage, driven by his son, Willy Bob. They were just returning from their trip to the fireworks factory, and the whole carriage was stuffed with souvenirs. Also, several souvenirs had been duct taped to the back of the carriage and lit, to improve their speed. Speed was essential, considering the souvenirs had not been procured in a very legal manner.
Suddenly, a black horse appeared behind them. Billy Bob shouted to Willy Bob to quicken their pace, but the mysterious horse kept up effortlessly. As it drew nearer, they could see the burning candle tied to the side of the saddle nearest the carriage. Surprisingly, the saddle was otherwise empty, except for one of the saddlebags, which bulged ominously.
The two Bobs noted all this in the few seconds it took the horse to catch up to them, of course.
Without warning, the overstuffed saddlebag burst open, and a strange, hairy- looking object flew out of it at Willy. Willy screamed as it latched onto his nose, and began tugging back and forth furiously.
At the same moment, the candle touched the side of the carriage, and the whole thing went up in an explosion of color and noise. Billy Bob leapt out the side just in time to save himself, but when he looked around, Willy was nowhere to be seen. He shrugged, and dusted himself off. Then he realized that he had probably better go and get help.
Checking around him, he saw a nearby Clown Burger across a field of wheat. (As you must know, Clown Burger is a very popular fast food chain, and they almost always locate themselves in fields of wheat. Also, their order- taking machine is in the shape of the face of a lovable clown. But, being the smart person you are, you already knew all that.)
He staggered through the wheat, limping from his gout. Since he was in excruciating pain, and it was closer than the door, he approached the clown, and leaned against it.
"Help! There's been a terrible accident!" he yelled at the clown's happy happy face.
"Welcome to Clown Burger, where every day is a happy, sunshiny, clown-based day!" spazzed out the clown, adding a drunken laugh at the end.
"I need help! My carriage blew up for perfectly legal reasons, and this weird horse is after me!" yelled Billy Bob.
"Would you like fries with that?" wheezed the clown.
"Yes, yes I w-NO! I need help! Call the police!" cried poor, pathetic Billy Bob.
Suddenly, the strange horse appeared behind Billy Bob, and the hairy object flew out of the saddlebag once more. Oddly enough, Willy's headless burned corpse was draped across the horse's saddle. Even stranger, a solitary firework was crammed up his ass, sparking profusely.
Billy laughed at the spectacle in spite of himself. The hairy object flew at him, hitting him in the face with much force, and killing him. His blood splattered across the Clown's grinning mouth and shiny red nose.
"Have a happy clowny day!" gurgled the clown.
###################################################################
Ickyboo Crow (he's different!) strode over to the body that he had just spotted in the river. It appeared to contain 28 bullet holes, 2 knives jammed through its skull, a meat cleaver lodged in the groin, and a note attached, which read, "I killed this man! Me me me me! I'm the master crazy nutcase! I live at 3820 Edmund Street! Come and get me, you bastards!"
"This body appears to contain many delicate clues we can use to find the cause of death with, through science," said Ickyboo. His fellow constables shrugged, and helped him lift the corpse into a wheelbarrow.
#################################################################
"When you find them in the river, the cause of death is drowning!" roared the big official-type guy. "Burn the body."
"But, through science, we can see what the cause of death really was!" protested Ickyboo.
"Drowning!" shouted the guy, waving his arms in the air above his head. "Drowning, I tell you!"
With that, the corpse was thrown into the corpse-burning furnace, and that was the end of that.
"This system is terrible! We never find out anything! This isn't justice; it's just stupid!" whined Ickyboo.
"You're stupid," said the guy.
"You're mean," sobbed Ickyboo.
"Oh, and by the way, we're sending you to a little town full of murder. Cause we hate you and all," stated the guy.
################################################################
Ickyboo sighed as he packed his things. He was going to miss New York. Even though everyone made fun of him. Constantly.
When he was done, he approached his pet rat's cage. He knew he would not be able to keep Mr. Squeaky with him in a little town full of murder. Carefully, he lifted Mr. Squeaky and walked to the window.
"Be free, Mr. Squeaky. Take care of yourself," sighed Ickyboo, tossing the rat out of his second story window.
"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak!" replied Mr. Squeaky as he plummeted to his doom.
#################################################################
As the carriage bumped over the pathetic dirt road heading to Stupid Hollow, Ickyboo reflected on his things. He leafed through his Ranma ½ manga, and sighed to himself.
He pulled out a mirror, and gazed at his scar. Mysteriously, his scar was a large imprint of a trout on the left side of his face. An image of the fish that had so afflicted him flashed across his mind, and he put the mirror away quickly, feeling queasy.
The carriage finally arrived at its destination, and Ickyboo stepped out onto the ground. As soon as he and his things were out, the driver spat on him, and drove quickly away.
Blinking in surprise and confusion, Ickyboo picked up his bags, and headed for the town, passing between the gateposts, each of which was topped with a statue of an armadillo.
As he passed in the streets below, all the people who happened to be in their houses threw dirty laundry and garbage at him. Several small children came up and kicked him in the shins.
Running to avoid all this, he soon arrived at the big manor on the hill. According to his boss, it belonged to a family known as the Van Castles. After hesitating a moment, he rang the doorbell.
Ickyboo was surprised at what he saw when the door was opened. A huge party was going on inside, with the playing of much Blink 182 music. He blinked at the strobe lights as he stepped inside. A girl, obviously soaring on ecstasy, was blindfolded, stumbling around like a drunk. She was trying to grab at a circle of people, who were dancing around her, and throwing peanuts at her head. As she tried to reach them she sang.
"The pickety witch, the pickety witch, who's got a kiss for the pickety witch?!" she screeched, nearly grabbing hold of a girl.
"Not me!" yelled the girl. "You dirty lesbian!"
"I DO!" declared Ickyboo, grabbing her around the waist, and kissing her. ~Damn,~ thought Ickyboo, ~She's totally wasted! I'm gunna score tonight!~
The mysterious girl lifted her blindfold and stared at Ickyboo with bloodshot eyes. Had she not been so thrashed, she might have been pretty. It would also probably help if she wasn't mumbling, "I'm a little teapot," and other such things.
"I am Katrino," she said, in an unexpected moment of clarity.
"And I am Broom," stated a big guy, stepping forward. "I am Katrino's fiancé."
"Ah," said Ickyboo. "Good for you."
"But we have not yet heard your name, stranger," stated Broom.
"I have not yet said it," replied Ickyboo.
"Then maybe you should," said Broom.
"Why?" questioned Ickyboo.
"Because otherwise I'll beat the shit out of you, fish face!" yelled Broom, causing Ickyboo to burst into tears and faint.
#################################################################
When Ickyboo woke up, he was in a room full of old guys with huge wigs. One man seemed to be having difficulties with his wig; it was trying to escape.
"My name is Ickyboo Crow," stated Ickyboo. "I'm from the city. I came to solve the murders here."
"Oh, yea, that," snored the man whose wig was trying to leave. "We were hoping you were a vacuum salesman. Ours broke."
"Your vacuum?" asked Ickyboo.
"No. Our vacuum salesman," stated the man, indicating a bleeding pile of flesh in the corner. "We accidentally ran over him with a thresher."
"I see," said Ickyboo.
"So, I am Faltus Van Castle," proclaimed the man, as he duct taped his wig to his head. "And these are my colleagues. This," he indicated a thin, evil-looking man, "is our mailman and record keeper. His name is Stinky the Mailman. And these fine people," he pointed now to a very obese man and a man wearing a bloody apron and holding a gigantic pill, "are Constable Plush Bottom, and Dr. Mario Von Schnickickick. Oh, and that over there is Pastor Richards."
"Contribute to the Statue Salvation Fund," prompted Pastor Richards, a thoroughly unpleasant man.
"I am.pleased.to meet you," said Ickyboo, shaking each man's hand. "So what has been happening here?"
"Well, the Headfull Horseman has been attacking our citizens," stated Dr. Mario. "You see, 20 years ago, in the woods near here, a lumberjack met his end. While other lumberjacks had come for the money, and cutting of trees, this particular lumberjack had come for the mindless, brutal violence. He had chopped down many trees, but that never satisfied him. He obtained a horse, and learned to ride through villages, chopping off heads left and right with his deadly, deadly axe. After each time he killed a person in such a way, he took their headless body as a trophy. Soon, he had so many bodies, that he built a house for himself out of them."
"But it all came to an end one night," said Constable Bottom, wiping his sweaty forehead with a filthy rag, tormented by the heat in the 60 degree room. "While returning home from a bar one night in a very drunken state, he tripped over a tree root, and fell, dropping his axe. The axe landed on his neck, and his head was chopped off. It was three days before he was found and buried. The locals just tossed him in the bottom of an old outhouse in the woods, and filled it in. Because of all that biological waste underneath it, the outhouse has since grown into a mighty tree. Now the Horseguy returns to torment us once more."
"Well, that's just retarded," said Ickyboo.
######################################################################## ########################################################################
So, how do you like it so far? Be sure to review it!
As with pretty much all of my comedies, this is written with a lot of help from my brother, MysticButtCrystal. Like the hippo, we are pure evil, but know not what we do.
Disclaimer: We don't own any of this. Besides, it's not worth suing us for our pocket lint.
###################################################################### ######################################################################
On a dark, stormy night, Billy Bob rode in a horse-drawn carriage, driven by his son, Willy Bob. They were just returning from their trip to the fireworks factory, and the whole carriage was stuffed with souvenirs. Also, several souvenirs had been duct taped to the back of the carriage and lit, to improve their speed. Speed was essential, considering the souvenirs had not been procured in a very legal manner.
Suddenly, a black horse appeared behind them. Billy Bob shouted to Willy Bob to quicken their pace, but the mysterious horse kept up effortlessly. As it drew nearer, they could see the burning candle tied to the side of the saddle nearest the carriage. Surprisingly, the saddle was otherwise empty, except for one of the saddlebags, which bulged ominously.
The two Bobs noted all this in the few seconds it took the horse to catch up to them, of course.
Without warning, the overstuffed saddlebag burst open, and a strange, hairy- looking object flew out of it at Willy. Willy screamed as it latched onto his nose, and began tugging back and forth furiously.
At the same moment, the candle touched the side of the carriage, and the whole thing went up in an explosion of color and noise. Billy Bob leapt out the side just in time to save himself, but when he looked around, Willy was nowhere to be seen. He shrugged, and dusted himself off. Then he realized that he had probably better go and get help.
Checking around him, he saw a nearby Clown Burger across a field of wheat. (As you must know, Clown Burger is a very popular fast food chain, and they almost always locate themselves in fields of wheat. Also, their order- taking machine is in the shape of the face of a lovable clown. But, being the smart person you are, you already knew all that.)
He staggered through the wheat, limping from his gout. Since he was in excruciating pain, and it was closer than the door, he approached the clown, and leaned against it.
"Help! There's been a terrible accident!" he yelled at the clown's happy happy face.
"Welcome to Clown Burger, where every day is a happy, sunshiny, clown-based day!" spazzed out the clown, adding a drunken laugh at the end.
"I need help! My carriage blew up for perfectly legal reasons, and this weird horse is after me!" yelled Billy Bob.
"Would you like fries with that?" wheezed the clown.
"Yes, yes I w-NO! I need help! Call the police!" cried poor, pathetic Billy Bob.
Suddenly, the strange horse appeared behind Billy Bob, and the hairy object flew out of the saddlebag once more. Oddly enough, Willy's headless burned corpse was draped across the horse's saddle. Even stranger, a solitary firework was crammed up his ass, sparking profusely.
Billy laughed at the spectacle in spite of himself. The hairy object flew at him, hitting him in the face with much force, and killing him. His blood splattered across the Clown's grinning mouth and shiny red nose.
"Have a happy clowny day!" gurgled the clown.
###################################################################
Ickyboo Crow (he's different!) strode over to the body that he had just spotted in the river. It appeared to contain 28 bullet holes, 2 knives jammed through its skull, a meat cleaver lodged in the groin, and a note attached, which read, "I killed this man! Me me me me! I'm the master crazy nutcase! I live at 3820 Edmund Street! Come and get me, you bastards!"
"This body appears to contain many delicate clues we can use to find the cause of death with, through science," said Ickyboo. His fellow constables shrugged, and helped him lift the corpse into a wheelbarrow.
#################################################################
"When you find them in the river, the cause of death is drowning!" roared the big official-type guy. "Burn the body."
"But, through science, we can see what the cause of death really was!" protested Ickyboo.
"Drowning!" shouted the guy, waving his arms in the air above his head. "Drowning, I tell you!"
With that, the corpse was thrown into the corpse-burning furnace, and that was the end of that.
"This system is terrible! We never find out anything! This isn't justice; it's just stupid!" whined Ickyboo.
"You're stupid," said the guy.
"You're mean," sobbed Ickyboo.
"Oh, and by the way, we're sending you to a little town full of murder. Cause we hate you and all," stated the guy.
################################################################
Ickyboo sighed as he packed his things. He was going to miss New York. Even though everyone made fun of him. Constantly.
When he was done, he approached his pet rat's cage. He knew he would not be able to keep Mr. Squeaky with him in a little town full of murder. Carefully, he lifted Mr. Squeaky and walked to the window.
"Be free, Mr. Squeaky. Take care of yourself," sighed Ickyboo, tossing the rat out of his second story window.
"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak!" replied Mr. Squeaky as he plummeted to his doom.
#################################################################
As the carriage bumped over the pathetic dirt road heading to Stupid Hollow, Ickyboo reflected on his things. He leafed through his Ranma ½ manga, and sighed to himself.
He pulled out a mirror, and gazed at his scar. Mysteriously, his scar was a large imprint of a trout on the left side of his face. An image of the fish that had so afflicted him flashed across his mind, and he put the mirror away quickly, feeling queasy.
The carriage finally arrived at its destination, and Ickyboo stepped out onto the ground. As soon as he and his things were out, the driver spat on him, and drove quickly away.
Blinking in surprise and confusion, Ickyboo picked up his bags, and headed for the town, passing between the gateposts, each of which was topped with a statue of an armadillo.
As he passed in the streets below, all the people who happened to be in their houses threw dirty laundry and garbage at him. Several small children came up and kicked him in the shins.
Running to avoid all this, he soon arrived at the big manor on the hill. According to his boss, it belonged to a family known as the Van Castles. After hesitating a moment, he rang the doorbell.
Ickyboo was surprised at what he saw when the door was opened. A huge party was going on inside, with the playing of much Blink 182 music. He blinked at the strobe lights as he stepped inside. A girl, obviously soaring on ecstasy, was blindfolded, stumbling around like a drunk. She was trying to grab at a circle of people, who were dancing around her, and throwing peanuts at her head. As she tried to reach them she sang.
"The pickety witch, the pickety witch, who's got a kiss for the pickety witch?!" she screeched, nearly grabbing hold of a girl.
"Not me!" yelled the girl. "You dirty lesbian!"
"I DO!" declared Ickyboo, grabbing her around the waist, and kissing her. ~Damn,~ thought Ickyboo, ~She's totally wasted! I'm gunna score tonight!~
The mysterious girl lifted her blindfold and stared at Ickyboo with bloodshot eyes. Had she not been so thrashed, she might have been pretty. It would also probably help if she wasn't mumbling, "I'm a little teapot," and other such things.
"I am Katrino," she said, in an unexpected moment of clarity.
"And I am Broom," stated a big guy, stepping forward. "I am Katrino's fiancé."
"Ah," said Ickyboo. "Good for you."
"But we have not yet heard your name, stranger," stated Broom.
"I have not yet said it," replied Ickyboo.
"Then maybe you should," said Broom.
"Why?" questioned Ickyboo.
"Because otherwise I'll beat the shit out of you, fish face!" yelled Broom, causing Ickyboo to burst into tears and faint.
#################################################################
When Ickyboo woke up, he was in a room full of old guys with huge wigs. One man seemed to be having difficulties with his wig; it was trying to escape.
"My name is Ickyboo Crow," stated Ickyboo. "I'm from the city. I came to solve the murders here."
"Oh, yea, that," snored the man whose wig was trying to leave. "We were hoping you were a vacuum salesman. Ours broke."
"Your vacuum?" asked Ickyboo.
"No. Our vacuum salesman," stated the man, indicating a bleeding pile of flesh in the corner. "We accidentally ran over him with a thresher."
"I see," said Ickyboo.
"So, I am Faltus Van Castle," proclaimed the man, as he duct taped his wig to his head. "And these are my colleagues. This," he indicated a thin, evil-looking man, "is our mailman and record keeper. His name is Stinky the Mailman. And these fine people," he pointed now to a very obese man and a man wearing a bloody apron and holding a gigantic pill, "are Constable Plush Bottom, and Dr. Mario Von Schnickickick. Oh, and that over there is Pastor Richards."
"Contribute to the Statue Salvation Fund," prompted Pastor Richards, a thoroughly unpleasant man.
"I am.pleased.to meet you," said Ickyboo, shaking each man's hand. "So what has been happening here?"
"Well, the Headfull Horseman has been attacking our citizens," stated Dr. Mario. "You see, 20 years ago, in the woods near here, a lumberjack met his end. While other lumberjacks had come for the money, and cutting of trees, this particular lumberjack had come for the mindless, brutal violence. He had chopped down many trees, but that never satisfied him. He obtained a horse, and learned to ride through villages, chopping off heads left and right with his deadly, deadly axe. After each time he killed a person in such a way, he took their headless body as a trophy. Soon, he had so many bodies, that he built a house for himself out of them."
"But it all came to an end one night," said Constable Bottom, wiping his sweaty forehead with a filthy rag, tormented by the heat in the 60 degree room. "While returning home from a bar one night in a very drunken state, he tripped over a tree root, and fell, dropping his axe. The axe landed on his neck, and his head was chopped off. It was three days before he was found and buried. The locals just tossed him in the bottom of an old outhouse in the woods, and filled it in. Because of all that biological waste underneath it, the outhouse has since grown into a mighty tree. Now the Horseguy returns to torment us once more."
"Well, that's just retarded," said Ickyboo.
######################################################################## ########################################################################
So, how do you like it so far? Be sure to review it!