GoT: Brienne's Reaction

AN: I have to address the elephant in my mind's room so that they can move on. And by move on, I mean they fool around maybe next chapter. Hahahahahahaa!

Ok, this is going to get a little dark and there will be talk of rape before it gets better and please remember this is not a cannon fic. You are warned.

….

Ch 6: The Truth

Jaime breathed in and kept trying to force more air into his lungs. He couldn't remember her every calling Cersie his sister before. She always avoided talking about her directly and especially not as his family member. "My sister?"

Brienne felt as if something cold was being pressed against her heart and tendrils of ice were trying to claw inside. "Before, you said…all the rumors were true. Did you truly mean all of them?"

Jaime was at a loss. He finally breathed out and found himself almost gasping for air as his heart sped up. He blinked at her several times as he fought off nausea before he spoke. "What did he say?"

"What don't you want to say?" Brienne watched shame etch all over his face.

Jaime's mouth went dry when he tried to swallow. He glanced at the bed they had made love in then turned to his belongings. "I will not speak it here."

Brienne stood unmoving as she watched him struggle with putting on his golden hand and riding gear. She saw that he finally had to stop because he could not reach and attach all the straps. Her heart broke as she saw him standing there unable to even outfit himself while blatantly showing his feelings on his face.

"Alright." She moved forward unable to stand the lost expression on his face. She helped him finish getting dressed.

They worked in silence as she put on her attire, and he helped secure hers into place.

Brienne walked down the stairs and ignored the looks they received. She strode over to Podrick where he had food set out on a table for them. It had gotten cold, but she didn't care.

Podrick opened his mouth to speak, but Brienne practically killed him with a glair. He wanted to know what was said when Brienne's previous paramour went up to the room. He looked them over seeing that no one was bleeding or missing any new limbs, so he assumed it went better than expected.

When they finished eating, Brienne finally spoke to Podrick, "We'll be back."

Brienne went for the door trying to ignore that every person in the tavern was turning to watch them walk out together. They saddled up and headed out of town.

Brienne turned her horse off the main road and went down a few trails knowing that Jaime was following her. She didn't know what to think or what to say.

They moved out of the trees into a little clearing and headed towards a small cluster of trees by a brook. Brienne and Jaime tied their horses to a tree and sat on a flattened area in the shade of the trees.

Jaime had spent the whole way trying to think of what to say and failed. He thought he would settle for opening his mouth and seeing what came out. "What did the brute say?"

Brienne glanced around the area then intently watched his face. "He said a servant that spies for him was there at the funeral for your son. You and she were alone with the body. He said…that she told you to stop and you didn't."

Jaime lowered his head and went to cover his face with his hands, but his golden hand bumped into his other hand so he lowered them. He watched the water run over rocks for a time.

"It's true what they say. Your sins return to haunt you." Jaime took a few breaths before he continued. "I didn't rape her. I wouldn't do that to her or any woman. There are evils that are true of me, but that is not one of them."

He glanced over at Brienne fearing the expression on her face, "She was asking for it while yelling no and stop. Yes, I know how rapist it sounds, but there was more to it. I have never spoken of this to anyone. It's the darkest secret in my heart. My worst shame."

Brienne watched his face turn red. She wanted him to give her an explanation that would make sense, but she didn't know what that could possibly be. She remained silent knowing that as his emotions built that he would eventually have to speak to let it out.

"This isn't my secret to tell, but I find that I must speak it. When she was fifteen, she would sneak out during the day dressed as a servant. She would return and regale me with tales of what she found and who she had spied upon. It was a great sport for her to be around people who were talking negatively about her or our house then she would find ways to get them back."

"One time she didn't return." Jaime took a deep breath and folded his arms around himself. "I went in search for her. I found her in an ally, clothes torn and bleeding. A group of men had caught her listening to them, and they demanded to know who sent her. No one had of course. She told them as much and that she was a Lannister and demanded to be released. They didn't believe her.

"One after another they raped her. She said…she screamed for me to save her, and I didn't. When she told me what happened, she was angry with me. She kept saying I should have been following her to keep her safe. I told her that I had warned her numerous times that something could go wrong but she wouldn't stop. I was being tortured with reading lessons when it happened. I told her I didn't want the lessons and would have happily followed her around. She wouldn't listen and still blamed me saying I took too long before I started searching for her and that I shouldn't have left her alone to start with. She said she survived knowing that everything they had taken from her was going to be taken from them and more. She said everyone who wasn't us was the enemy. She had her revenge on them, but it wasn't enough to stop the nightmares."

Jaime stopped talking and went back to watching the water.

Brienne had never heard of Cersie being attached, and she watched him seeing the horror of it on his face as if it just happened even though it had been over twenty years ago.

Jaime continued speaking as his eyes focused in the distance, "I was passing her chamber once shortly after. Her screams. They were like nothing I had ever heard before. It was as if her pain were a tangible thing and the anguish…the hopeless despair lived in every shriek of her voice. I tore into the room expecting her to be fighting for her life against direwolves. I found her asleep caught in a horrid dream and struggling against the blankets. I tried to wake her and at first I couldn't. She fought me as she woke up. I tried to calm her telling her it was a dream, that she was safe and that I was there."

Brienne watched him knowing that those were similar things he had told her this morning when she had been dreaming of his death.

Jaime turned to her, "I held her, and she calmed. Over time, she couldn't sleep unless I was there to chase the dreams away. She told me she kept the servants away because she didn't want them reporting to father that she was having night terrors, and she didn't want him asking questions. Eventually, the dreams stopped but she asked me to keep coming to her room at night. I told her I couldn't that it would look wrong. She made me feel that if I didn't that I was abandoning her to the terrors of her dreams, and she would remind me that I had not been there when she needed me most. Surely, you see where this is going?"

Brienne nodded but didn't know how this added up to what Stenvar's servant saw.

Jaime saw that thought on her face and nodded. "I admired her inner strength and tenacity to manipulate and to get what she wanted. Her mental acuity rivaled my own abilities as a swordsman, so she decided we were a good match. She started wearing fewer clothes to bed and sometimes her hands would end up where they shouldn't. I told her no and to stop and that it wasn't right. Then she would say something about how when father marries her off to some monster that he will not be kind to her in that way and that I may be the only one that will touch her as she needs because of what happened. She asked me to just use my hands on her. I lied to myself that it wasn't as bad as it could be and eventually I obliged her. Over time, she wanted more. Eventually, I was given a knighthood. She persuaded me into joining the Kingsguard so that I could not be sent away from her. That didn't exactly work out, but I was hers and she was mine."

When Jaime stopped talking for an extended period of time, Brienne spoke. "I understand, but what I don't is how that turned into what was witnessed."

Jaime huffed out air not wanting to talk to her about his. His head was starting to hurt, but he forced himself to talk because he could not stand to see the look on her face which was the one he saw in the bath.

"Yes, it confused me too. She started getting aggressive in bed. That worked for a time, but eventually it wasn't enough. She would periodically ask me to…be more forceful while she resisted. I started understanding when she needed me to be that way and when she didn't. If she didn't want me when I wanted her, she usually said not now.

"Once I misunderstood and grabbed at her." Jaime smiled while wincing. "She used the flat of her palm and hit me in the ear while yelling the most uncouth profanity. Needless to say I stopped. I was reluctant the next time she actually wanted me to. She put my hand on her throat and repeated my words back to me…what I said to her when I first protested her touching me that way. I said 'No. Stop. It's not right.' It became a code you see. Anytime we start and she sees me wavering she will say those things and kiss like she wants me one moment then the next try to pull away then grab and pull me to her. Sometimes she encourages me to act that way when I don't want to. Other times I'm angry at her and when she encourages me then I almost want to hurt her. She likes it more when she sees I truly want to hurt her but only kind of do."

Jaime shook his head, "It's all very twisted. And it's all because I failed to protect her when she was young. I knew it wasn't safe for her to be out like that. I thought her name and her obvious Lannister looks would keep her safe. It's all my fault."

Brienne watched as he curled in on himself. She put her arms around him pulling him close even when he tried to pull back. Eventually, he relaxed into her embrace. She was lost for words for a time then found herself stroking his shoulder and hair telling him that it was alright.

Jaime looked up at her to see if her face held contempt for him. When he didn't see that, he took a deep breath and thought about current events. "After you returned me to King's Landing, she blamed me for how long it took me to get back to her. See…I had left her alone again. While I was gone, she had been sleeping with our cousins. She does like to keep it in the family. Moments after that odd little man put this golden hand on me for the first time, they talked about how he had helped her with symptoms. She said the symptoms went away and wouldn't tell me what it was about. I found out later she had been pregnant with someone's baby. She always kills the ones that aren't mine. She feels that only children between us are her real children and they have all died. There is one on the way, but I don't know if it is mine or if since I've left her she may decide it is another symptom to be dealt with. If we don't win the Great War, it won't matter anyway."

Jaime locked eyes with Brienne. She knew that usually he makes jokes and engages in self deprecating banter. But at times like this with her, he lets that go and she could see the raw pain on his face and the torture in his emerald eyes.

"I didn't see it at first, but she's replaced me. Me. As if we meant nothing to each other. As if we have not survived the seven hells together." Jaime looked down at his ruined arm, "I guess I should have expected it. I'm useless to her now, and I'm not as ruthless as I once was but he is."

Jaime saw on her face that she did not know of whom he spoke. "That Grayjoy cunt and his fucking Iron Fleet. May they burn in dragon flames and sink to the bottom of the sea." His mouth twisted as evil glee showed on his face, "Something he hasn't figured out is that she'll never fuck him. And she'll never give him the wedding he thinks will give him power. It's all a game. A game of thrones. That's what she calls it. The deadliest game there is, and I allowed her and father to have our children wrapped up in it. It's what killed them. I loved them, and I didn't protect them either."

Brienne saw in his eyes that he was losing his grip on sanity. She had never seen him like this before, and she knew it was so much worse than when he was in the bath with her.

"Jaime. Look at me. I said look at me. You are from a famous family and that alone put your children at risk. But, children die every day from the high born to the lowest. Do you know one house that has not mourned the death of children in that family? I can't name one. Death and misery is a part of life. That is why we must hold on to the happy memories and move forward with honor doing the best we can for those we can. You're not responsible for her rape or your children's deaths. Do you hear me? You are not responsible. If you could have saved them, you would have just like you saved me."

Jaime reached forward allowing her to wrap her arms more securely around him. Speaking the pain from his heart and hearing the honesty in her voice as she spoke the words he had needed to hear someone tell him for too long finally released the shame and terror he had been holding inside. Tears streamed down his face as his body shook from all the emotions pounding through him.

Eventually he calmed, and he allowed himself to hope that she was right.

Jaime stood testing his legs and spoke hearing that his voice was hoarser then before, "You never did tell me about the nightmare I woke you from. Was it of that horrible night when the men dragged you off?"

Brienne took a moment knowing that he was talking about the men that were going to rape her but he intervened putting himself at risk to save her. Brienne no longer believed that he had attached his sister. "No. I wasn't dreaming of them. I was dreaming of you."

Jaime smiled and the mirth almost reached his eyes. "Yes, I'm the thing of nightmares. Was I forcing you to wear a pink dress and put on face paint?"

Brienne stood with him and decided not to give too much detail. "I dreamed she stabbed you. I stabbed her. She died then you died."

Jaime nodded his head. "That's not something we need to worry about. She does not prefer to do the dirty work herself. She likes to set up the deaths of those she hates like she is planning a party then she savors that they die slow painful deaths. Not like you. If you kill someone, you are straight forward about it. I love that about you. No subterfuge. No deceptions. No long drawn out speeches to teach someone their peril to torture them. Just death. It's refreshing." His eyes finally took on amusement.

Brienne drew in a slow breath seeing that he was returning to himself again, and she tried not to think about his use of the word love. "Refreshing? Of whose death do you speak?"

"I seem to remember being your prisoner while you sliced up the men that came upon us after we got out of the boat. Two quick deaths then one slow. I never told you that you truly shocked me at first. Men's bodies dropping left and right. You were glorious in your anger." His eyes moved over her in appreciation of her abilities as a warrior, but the look turned more heated as he remembered the night before. "I never told you the story about the sword and armor I gave you did I?"

Brienne's eyebrows drew together. "No, you were too busy pawning off Podrick on me. Do tell."

"My father had the sword made for me, but he also had the armor made for me."

Brienne gaped at him. "You said you hoped you got my measurements right."

Jaime stared down and shook his head. "Yes, I guessed that your measurements in shoulder width and build were not that far off from mind."

"You let me think you had it made for me so that I would take it didn't you…"

"It worked."

"Moron."

Jaime smiled brightly as wind played with his hair.

Brienne could not help but smile back.

"My father made both for me and wanted me to do things worthy of having them written down in the book you were reading. He didn't understand that once he sacked the city and I killed the king that as the Kingslayer nothing else I did for the rest of my life would ever be looked at as worthy. I thought to some extend I could show those around me that I wasn't that man, but no one cared. Anything I did was in the shadow of that name then I lost my hand. It made me re-evaluate my life. When I gave you my sword and armor, that's when my loyalty started to truly shift from her to you. I think she felt that and had been suspecting it for some time. Well, you saw her face when she realized you had my armor and sword on. She showed more anger at that then when the damned dragon flew in."

Brienne blinked a few times just looking at him. "I hadn't noticed." She thought about it knowing that the whole time he walked in and sat down that she was fighting to resist the urge to go to him to talk with him. "Where did she think the priceless sword had been all that time?"

"Yes, I may have told her a story about my sword being stolen, but she knew that was all bullshit the moment she truly looked you over. It was a confirmation I lied to her. A betrayal. Doesn't matter. She had been lying to me. Plotting behind my back. I'm surprised she didn't kill me after you grabbed my arm. Hell even the guards didn't flinch when you grabbed and cursed at me. It was like everyone knew something was going on between us. That the familiarity was something normal. She thought we were fucking. It never entered her mind that it was something so much more that was going on. I don't think she believes in love anymore."

Brienne remained quiet. That was the second time he had mentioned love, and it was not lost on her. Brienne wondered if she had wanted her to see the sword on her hip.

Jaime continued while stepping closer, "I have to say. I enjoyed you wearing my armor. I had tried it on once. Then when I thought of you wearing it, I would think to myself that your heart is where mine was. And in a way even with us apart, they were together with only time separating them. And time brought you back to me. Here. Now."

Jaime reached and placed his hand over her heart knowing that neither dragons nor the Night King himself could drag him from his true love.

Brienne read his thoughts on his face and knew her eyes mirrored his back. "I lo…"

A man's voice cut her off, "Well isn't this steamy. He's coping a feel right here out in the open."

Brienne and Jaime turned to see who was standing a little ways off from the trees watching them.

AN: Ok, well who the hell is that and why is he messing with my shipping? *pauses rant to ponder that I'm the author and supposed to know that answer* Well…whoever he is he sucks! Hahahhaaaa!