A Recipe For Disaster

The First Church of Berk was notorious for its potlucks. Not a month went by (sleet or fair) that the ladies' group didn't crank up their ovens to bake casseroles or pies. Astrid Hofferson wasn't one of those ladies, but she did enjoy potlucks. She wouldn't miss one for the world, especially if there was an arm wrestling competition at the end.

It was with no little anticipation one Sunday afternoon that Astrid approached the picnic area where the potluck of the month was being held, bearing a meat lover's salad. It was a fine warm day for the city of Berk, so the potluck was being held outside.

"Hey! Hoff!" One of her friends, Ruffnut Thorsen, waved wildly at her from one of the circular tables set up in the grass.

Astrid held up a finger, indicating she would be over in a second, and pushed her way through a myriad of chattering people to get to the food table. She dumped her salad off and grabbed a plate to fill up.

"Why, hello Astrid!"

Astrid turned around to face Mrs. Kramer, the church's resident busybody. Mrs. Kramer had curly grey hair and arm muscles that bulged from underneath a gaudy flower print shirt. An equally gaudy necklace of semiprecious stones was draped around her neck. The glare off them made Astrid blink.

"Hello, Mrs. Kramer. What a pleasure," Astrid said, thinking exactly the opposite.

"How are you? Found the right man yet?" Mrs. Kramer asked in her monotone voice, flashing her teeth at Astrid. "I know a couple of young gentlemen here today who would just love to meet you!"

"NO, thank you," Astrid ground out through clenched teeth. Astrid had met some of them before. Young was putting it nicely, because most of them had turned out to be about four decades older than her. Thankfully, it was her turn in the food line and she didn't have to fend off any more suitor suggestions from Mrs. Kramer.

Grabbing a napkin and a plastic spoon, Astrid filled her plate with a really thick stew, gravy, and biscuits. After snagging a glass of lemonade, she pushed her way over to the table where Ruffnut, Ruffnut's twin Tuffnut, Fishlegs Ingerman, and Snotlout Jorgenson were sitting.

Astrid checked her seat before sitting down. Snotlout was a notorious prankster. It was a miracle the dean of their college hadn't kicked him out yet.

"Hey! Astrid, my friend!" Tuffnut held out his hand for a high five, and Astrid obliged.

"Hi, Astrid," Fishlegs greeted her with a toothy grin. Snotlout chose to wag his busy eyebrows at her in salutation. Astrid ignored him.

"Did you try the watermelon juice I brought?" Ruffnut asked hopefully.

"No, my hands were full." Astrid set her plate and cup down. She took a bite of stew. It was a little bland, but all right for a potluck.

In-between bites, she asked, "Did you guys finish the essay Professor Sigrid gave us?"

Snotlout rolled his eyes. "Didn't. Don't plan to. Won't."

Fishlegs frowned at him. "It counts for your grade, Snotlout." Fishlegs was a worrier, and it was a good thing. Without him, the twins and Snotlout would have flunked out of college ages ago.

"She wants us to write a ten page report on how many kilowatts monarchs use per month! It's stupid!" Snotlout protested.

"Lame," Ruffnut and Tuffnut chimed in at exactly the same time, then proceeded to fight over who said it first.

Astrid ignored the ensuing full out brawl and took a bite out of a biscuit. It was the best thing she had ever tasted. The outside crust was firm, but the inside was soft and chewy.

"Ruffnut!" Astrid pulled her friend off Tuffnut.

Ruffnut scowled at her. "What? I almost had him!"

"You have to tell me who made the biscuits!" Astrid begged. "These things are the best thing I've ever eaten."

"I haven't tried one." Ruffnut attempted to take the remaining one off Astrid's plate, but Astrid slapped her hand away.

"Get your own! These are my precious. Who made them?" Astrid demanded. "I've got to get the recipe."

Ruffnut grinned and winked at Fishlegs and Snotlout. "You sure you want to know?"

"JUST TELL ME!" She just had to get the recipe. It was a matter of life and death!

"Hiccup made them."

Astrid's jaw dropped in disbelief. "Hiccup? Hiccup Haddock? As in Hiccup I-eat-Chinese-takeout-for-Christmas Haddock?!" Now that Ruffnut had mentioned it, the scrawny member of their group was nowhere to be seen. Astrid hadn't known he could cook more than cereal or oatmeal.

"Yeppers. He's around here somewhere." Tuffnut stood on his chair and cupped his hands around his mouth. "HEY! HICCUP HORRENDOUS HADDOCK THE THIRD! FISHBONE! GET OVER HERE!" he bellowed. Since everyone was used to such behavior from the twins, no one took much notice.

"Don't call him that," Astrid hissed. "It's not nice." She was somewhat protective of Hiccup ever since he lost his left leg in a lab explosion and always stuck up for him whenever college bullies picked on him.

A few minutes later, a familiar mop of red hair could be seen pushing its way through the tables. Hiccup came bearing his own plate (topped with celery and carrot sticks) in one hand, and a thick book under one arm.

"I knew he'd be reading. Hey, cuz!" Snotlout proclaimed. "Astrid wants you."

Hiccup turned to her and pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Yes, Milady?"

"Did you make the biscuits?" she asked, staring remorsefully at her now-empty plate. "I didn't know you could cook." The words had a little bit of hurt in them. He had been her best friend for ages and she hadn't even known he owned a cookbook.

A hint of a smirk worked its way to the corner of Hiccup's mouth. "Well, now you do. Is that all you needed? Dickens calls." He held up his book, and Astrid saw it was a copy of Oliver Twist that she had given to him for his last birthday.

"Not so fast!" Astrid grabbed the back of his green sweater as he started to walk away. "I want the recipe."

Hiccup blinked at her. "The recipe?"

"The ingredients," Fishlegs supplied, trying to be helpful.

Hiccup crossed his arms. "I know what a recipe is. Why do you want it?" he asked Astrid suspiciously, as if there was an ulterior motive behind the request.

Astrid threw her hands wide. "Why wouldn't I? That was the tastiest, the best, the most wonderful-"

Hiccup held up a hand to interrupt her monologue. "I get the picture. But the recipe happens to be a secret. If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret and then it couldn't be made."

"He won't even let me know what it is, and I'm his favorite cousin!" Snotlout supplied.

"Please!" Astrid pleaded. "I've just got to have it. I won't be able to sleep if I don't! I'll owe you."

"Anytime, anyplace, anything?" Hiccup asked, interest in his voice.

"Deal!" Astrid immediately agreed. Hiccup was a nice guy, so he wouldn't exploit her.

Or so she thought, until he grinned wickedly with a nasty gleam in his eye. "Somebody get me a napkin and a pen," he ordered. Tuffnut handed him one of each.

Hiccup quickly handed the napkin back. "A clean one." Fishlegs passed him his unused napkin.

Hiccup, being left handed, began writing, wrapping himself around the napkin as to not smear the ink. Occasionally his glasses would slip down and he would absent-mindedly push them back up. Astrid watched the action anxiously, trying to catch a glimpse.

Finally, Hiccup laid down the pen. "Here you go," he said, handing the napkin to Astrid.

She snatched it out of his hand. "Thank you!" She grinned, happy at her success, until she actually interpreted Hiccup's messy scrawl.

Ingredients:

4.73 deciliters of whole wheat flower

118 millimeters of a stick of butter

2500 milligrams of salt

0.00002 kiloliters of baking powder

10,000 milligrams of sugar

1.18 deciliters of milk

Heat oven to 204.4 degrees centigrade. Mix dry ingredients together in a bowl and then cut in butter until it's crumbly. Mix in milk. The dough may require more milk; add as needed. Knead the whole thing. Shape chunks and place them on a pan. Bake for twenty-seven and a half minutes. Try to not burn down the house, Astrid.

Astrid felt like crumpling the napkin. "This isn't readable, Hiccup!"

Hiccup looked unconcerned at her growing rage. "It's the recipe I use. You're the one who asked for it."

"WHAT DO YOU DO, BAKE THIS IN YOUR LAB?" Astrid yelled. The only place where you could get instruments to measure those units was at the lab where Hiccup worked part-time.

Hiccup nodded, blushing.

Ruffnut, who had gone back to the food table to get her one of her own biscuits, spat the biscuit out mid-chew and gagged. "Ravagog!" She made a mad dash for a glass of watermelon juice.

Snotlout and Tuffnut were practically choking with laughter and Fishlegs was trying to hide a smile as Astrid continued to sputter in rage over the recipe.

Hiccup wagged a finger at her. "Now, now, Astrid. Don't get too angry. It scares away potential suitors."

"OH, YEAH?" Astrid roared. "The only person who's gonna be in a suit is you, because you're gonna be six feet under!"

"Are you sure it's not going to be on you two's wedding day?" Snotlout snickered.

"ARGH!" Astrid lunged at Hiccup, revenge in her eyes. Hiccup wisely chose to make a dash for it in hopes of evading her. It looked like he would, too, until Astrid threw a casserole pan from the food table at his left leg, denting the prosthetic and causing him to trip.

"I have you now!" she crowed, towering over him with a backup pan in hand.

"Uh, A-Astrid?" Hiccup asked.

"Yes? Any last words?"

"People are starting to stare."

Astrid looked up. The rest of the potluck goers were staring at the two, wide-eyed in shock.

"Nothing to see here, folks." Ruffnut swooped in and rescued them. "Just a friendly disagreement over who's going to win the arm wresting competition."

The crowd murmured understandings and the clatter of dishes and voices picked back up.

"You should know, Astrid, that when you ask Hiccup for a recipe, you get a recipe for disaster," Ruffnut warned, belatedly, in Astrid's opinion.

Astrid turned to Hiccup. "You owe me for embarrassing me," she stormed.

"You owe me for giving you the recipe and denting my prosthetic," Hiccup countered, cleaning his glasses off on the hem of his sweater.

"What recipe?! I got a list of the materials needed for a lab experiment! What did you forget? Phosphorus?"

"Fine," Hiccup said, shoving his glasses back on. "I'll convert the recipe to the Imperial system. Happy?"

Astrid's mouth curled into a triumphant smile. "Very. Hop to it." She dragged him back to their table and slammed a fresh napkin in front of him. "Write," she ordered.

"Can I have another napkin for math calculations?" Hiccup asked.

Astrid gave him one. "Now quit stalling. I want my recipe."

"It's not your recipe!" Hiccup scrunched over and began writing, occasionally jotting down match equations on the second napkin. A few minutes later, he recapped the pen. "Done, Your Majesty." He slouched back in his chair and crossed his arms.

Astrid grabbed the paper from where he had dropped it on the table.

Ingredients:

0.0537104 pecks of whole wheat flower

0.2081684 Imperial teaspoons of salt

0.693895 fluid ounces of baking powder

0.0208333 pints of sugar

0.375 quarts of milk

4.75 inches of a stick of butter

"HICCUP!" Astrid roared, slamming the napkin back onto the table. While she had been reading it, he had slipped off like the coward he was. Astrid searched the heads at the potluck, vowing to find him and get that biscuit recipe if it was the last thing she ever did.

Astrid eventually found Hiccup, hiding underneath a table. What happened next was indeed a recipe for disaster, and no one dared enter the arm wrestling competition for fear of Heavy Arm Hofferson.

And not a single woman in the ladies' group ever denied Astrid a recipe after that.

A/N: Hello! Yet another school assignment. The recipe Hiccup gave Astrid is actually a real thing that you can make! It's from the book The Magic Thief by Sarah Prineas, and it's called Benet's Biscuit Crust. I make it quite a lot, but I've changed a couple of things from the original. My version follows bellow.

Free imaginary hug if you can name the book Ruffnut referenced with "Ravagog!" And Astrid's "precious" quote.

Ingredients:

1 and 2/3 cups of gluten-free flour

1/3 cups of white flour (the white flour makes the gluten-free flour stick together. You can either do all white or whatever you want if you don't like gluten free.)

1/2 teaspoon of salt

4 teaspoons of baking powder

2 teaspoons sugar

1/2 cup of butter (although you can reduce it to 1/4 cup for a healthier version)

Approximately 1 cup of milk (the more you add, the stickier your dough will be, and sticky dough is a pain to shape into biscuits)

Mix dry ingredients together in a bowl. Cut butter into thin slices and mix with a pastry blender. Pour in the milk a little at a time, mixing with your hands as you go. Make biscuit shapes with the dough and place on a non-stick pan. Option: brush the tops with a beaten egg for flavor or something like that. Bake at 400 degrees Fahrenheit for twenty-seven and a half minutes.

These things are incredibly good. They taste the best fresh out of the oven, so if they get in the fridge for a bit they aren't as fluffy. I am obsessed with biscuits now. And coffee.

Well, toodles!

Rider