Been lurking on here for a while reading fanfiction so i thought I'd write my own. This fanfiction wont be explicit but it will touch on VERY dark themes, so this is your warning! DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ A DARK STORY!

L'appel du vide - The call of the void. When you are standing on the balcony of a tall building, looking down at the ground and on some track your brain says "what would it feel like to jump". When you are holding a kitchen knife thinking, "I wonder if this is sharp enough to cut myself with. Uncontrollable Self destructive impulses".

Senior year of high school is always complicated. Not only do you have exams to study for you also have the daunting prospect of needing to decide what to do with your life once you leave the predictable cocoon of school. It's unfair, really, to foist such a large decision so suddenly, to cram kids in a school for their entire life, then force them to make a decision about their role in the 'real world' as soon as they hit 18. Nagisa Shiota, however, unlike most seniors did not have to think about this choice. Or more accurately, he didn't have a choice; His mother had decided that he'd go to Kansai university and study architecture, because that was what she always wanted to do. Of course, Nagisa could defy her, but if he went anywhere else, she'd cut him off financially and kick him out the house. With extortionate housing fees these days, there's no way Nagisa could be independent (His mother made sure he never saved up enough to even contemplate it). Besides. There was nothing else Nagisa even wanted to do. He often felt as if he had no will of his own, he was just a puppet. Puppets don't have dreams for the future so he might as well just do as his mother said.

If he told Gakushuu this, then Gakushuu would probably tell Nagisa that he was a hopeless pushover and was weak-willed with no backbone. But Nagisa had a sneaking suspicion that those traits were exactly what Gakushuu liked about Nagisa. No, Like is the wrong word; Because Nagisa was a weak-willed hopeless pushover, Gakushuu found him convenient to use.

Nagisa was nothing to Gakushuu until he was everything. Gakushuu could go days, or even weeks not acknowledging Nagisa as anything other than another student at the school, part of the faceless masses. Gakushuu was, of course in all the advanced classes, so Nagisa would only see him if he gave a speech in assembly or there was some sort of sports tournament. At those times, Gakushuu was the perfect honor student, the charismatic leader never without a smile and full of motivational words that everyone admired. Very different from the Gakushuu Nagisa knew. Sometimes Gakushuu's streak of ignoring Nagisa would go on for so long that Nagisa would begin to think Gakushuu really had given him up.

But then he'd get a text. It never said much. Just when and where. It was never a question either, always a statement. Gakushuu knew Nagisa would come. And he was right every time. The location was almost always the student council office and the time was always after hours. Sometimes Nagisa contemplated not going, he knew that Gakushuu didn't care about him, he knew Gakushuu just saw him as something he could use when he was bored or frustrated. But Nagisa always went. He tried to rationalise that he was just using Gakushuu too (being able to sleep with a hot guy isn't so bad, right)? But in Nagisa's heart he knew, he knew that it was more than that.

Those few moments were Gakushuu was kissing him and touching him were heaven. The few seconds were Gakushuu looked at Nagisa like he needed him was enough to make Nagisa's heart melt and mind race. Gakushuu was an asshole, but Nagisa couldn't help but be drawn to him (Perhaps it was because, no matter how one-sided it was, Gakushuu was the only one who showed Nagisa any attention). Nagisa's favourite part about their trysts was after the sex had finished, and Gakushuu would lie with Nagisa in his arms even if it was a little uncomfortably on a carpeted floor. That was the only time Nagisa thought Gakushuu seemed the most affectionate "You're so beautiful." He'd whisper. Those few minutes before Gakushuu pushed him off to the school showers were bliss.

Gakushuu had some very strict rules. The most obvious ones; Keep it subtle, don't call me 'Gakushuu' when there's other people around, DO NOT tell anyone else. Then other ones; Don't sleep with anyone else while we're involved, Don't text me unless its an emergency, wait for me to text you and strangest of all I make all the moves. Don't initiate any touching. Do Not kiss me.

The last rule proved difficult at times for Nagisa. He broke it once right at the beginning of the relationship by daring to kiss the other on the neck. He'd never seen Gakushuu so furious. He looked as though he wanted to slap Nagisa, and after that didn't contact him again for over a month. Needless to say, Nagisa never tried to do that again; Gakushuu had some serious control issues. He was rough as well, Nagisa always ended up with new bruises after their meetings. But he rather liked that; The darkened patches of skin served as a souvenir of his experience, a reminder of the evening. Proof of what he had done. Whenever he was ignored by Gakushuu at school, Nagisa would press down on the bruises on his wrist to remind himself of how much attention he had been receiving a few nights ago.

The thing that bothered Nagisa the most about his relationship with Gakushuu however, was knowing how disposable and replaceable he was. He knew Gakushuu had others he was seeing. Nagisa knew because he occasionally saw love bites on Gakushuu's body. Never on the neck though. It filled Nagisa with hopelessness and jealousy. He wasn't even aloud to kiss Gakushuu on the cheek, but there was someone else marking him. Nagisa wanted to ask who it was, wanted to demand Gakushuu be exclusive as Nagisa was, but he knew Gakushuu had all the control. If you don't like it, then lets break it off. He would say. Just imagining those words broke Nagisa's heart.

Nagisa often wondered why Gakushuu bothered with him at all (surely he could get anyone he wanted). Then, he was forced to realise that he knew very little about who Gakushuu actually was. Of course, he knew superficial things; He was the Chairman's son, he was the student council president, he was rich, he was consistently the highest scorer in the school, he was involved in an endless amount of extra curricular activities from sports to music, he worked hard- probably too hard. But although they'd been intimate many times, Nagisa still struggled to work out Gakushuu's motivations (which was strange because normally he was good at that). All he really knew was that Gakushuu had a lot of anger, and he took it out on Nagisa. And Nagisa let him.

Nagisa wasn't stupid. Or at least, he wasn't completely stupid. He knew he was being used, he knew his relationship with Gakuhsuu was pointless at best, damaging at worse. He knew being involved in an arrangement that made himself this miserable was self-destructive. But he just couldn't stop.

If the first chapter wasn't indication enough, there is going to be a lot of melodrama in this story. Next chapter will be Karma's introduction. review if you think this story is worth continuing.