Apologies to those who have been reading this. I am sorry for the long delay, I usually like to post more frequently. I have had some MAJOR internet hassles but I am hoping they are over with now. I have more stories that I intend to post – I am enjoying taking a break from real life😊

Thank you to those who have reviewed or PM'd me.

Chapter 12 - FINAL

"Sorry, buddy, you need to rest too," Jesse said as he came to take Steve back to his room. He'd been with Mark for a couple of hours and Mark was resting and recovering well, but Steve was neither.

"I can't believe dad is in hospital because of me,' he whispered as Jesse wheeled him out of the room.

"It's not your fault, Steve, you know that and he's not going to blame you," Jesse said positively.

"So much was a blur, but I knew they were doing bad things. Why didn't I stop it? Why didn't I ask you to get me out?" Steve spoke softly.

"You wanted to help people and the drugs you were taking were messing with your mind. No-one could have had that sort of drug given to them and been unaffected," Jesse stopped as he helped Steve back to his bed. He remained very concerned about his friend as he watched him lie back and try to get comfortable. His face was still very pale and he had dark circles under his eyes. "Mark's doing really well and will be out of ICU very soon and we're going to move him in with you. You need to talk to him."

Steve made no response as he closed his eyes. All he wanted to do was sleep although he knew he had some decisions to make.

Amanda had entered the room at this time, and repeated what Jesse had said.

"Yes, Steve, you need to talk to Mark," she said gently. She glanced at Jesse as Steve remained silent. Shrugging sadly, they left him alone to sleep.

ooo

Mark was released from ICU and moved into his room, his recovery was going well thanks to his normal good health and physical strength. But he, Jesse and Amanda remained very concerned about Steve's continuing difficulties.

Physically Steve had come through quite well, but he was far from himself.

The most surprising element was Steve himself, and his lack of arguments concerning staying in hospital. His blood pressure had remained very high, and they wanted to keep him in until it stabilized, which it eventually did. The concern stemmed from his lack of argument about being kept in.

The main worry over Steve's conditions was the flashbacks and the uncertainty of what the drugs had done to him but they seem to have been relatively lucky as far as longer term physical issues. He remained uncharacteristically jumpy and nervous but he showed no inclination to talk about why or what had happened. Even after Mark was moved into his room, he'd remained uncommunicative about what he'd gone through, just focusing on being with his dad and keeping an eye on him.

On the surface he seemed okay, and he laughed and joked with Jesse, and was seemingly very relieved when he found out that a full investigation would be made into the Hampstead Institution. A far more thorough one than had happened in the past. Even though it appeared as if Beattie and the orderly were the culprits, the system that had allowed such an abuse needed to be looked closely at. But his father and friends saw a shadow in his eyes when he thought they weren't looking and noted with dismay his complete lack of willingness to talk about what had happened. Steve could be very stubborn when it came to talking about things that affected him and he had totally shut down about this most recent ordeal.

The young Dr Harvey had filled them in on some of the behavior modification techniques that Beattie had used and Mark was filled with anger at the cruel Beattie and Mickey in particular. She'd been reporting back to a LAPD officer who'd been working there as security but she'd not had anything concrete to report initially. He was grateful to the young doctor for her observations but he knew there were things that she probably didn't know about. Certainly the mixture of drugs used on Steve, and almost certainly the other patients, were highly unusual and not designed to work together. It was only luck that Steve had survived being given them, luck and his personal physical and mental strength.

Mark always hated to see his son suffering in anyway, and it was high time they talked. It was their first day at home alone, as Jesse had stayed with them for a couple of nights just to make sure they were both okay. He was going to bring dinner round to them that evening with Amanda, but he had returned to work and moved back to his own apartment so life was reverting to normal, or it should have been. Steve was now hovering over him every bit as much as Mark hovered over him at times. Physically Steve was fine, it was his emotional well-being that remained of great worry. Mark was amused by his fussing at first, but he soon started to feel frustrated. He was also irked with Steve's determined effort to keep their talk at bay, as when cornered Steve claimed tiredness and withdrew to his bedroom. He certainly looked exhausted still but there was no doubt he was trying to dodge a difficult conversation. Mark was supposed to be lying down, but he couldn't settle and when he looked out at the beach and saw Steve sitting on the sand, he knew it was time to talk.

Mark was still in some pain, although he'd never admit it, and certainly not to his son, and he made his way slowly to where Steve was sitting. He was so deep in thought that he didn't hear Mark's approach until he sat down next to him.

"Dad! You shouldn't be out here, you should be resting. Come on, let's get you back to the house."

"No, Steve, I want to sit out here with you and talk." Mark watched the guarded look come into Steve's face.

"What do you want to talk about?" Steve was slightly defensive.

"Just things, what's going on with you, how you're doing. It seems we haven't really talked since this nightmare began and I don't really know everything you went through."

Steve sighed. "I'm sorry, dad. I didn't mean to shut you out but I've had some things to think about. I don't regret helping the patients and I know things will be easier for them now, but it was rough, really rough. I don't even regret what they did to me, I have recovered…" He grinned slightly at his dad. Mark wasn't entirely convinced but he knew better than to interrupt. Physical recovery didn't mean emotional recovery and that was where his son was still struggling. That much was very obvious to everyone who cared about him. "I truly don't remember a lot but I do remember feeling worthless but if me going through that makes life better for those still there, then it was worth it. If it makes it harder for them to be abused and used as lab rats, then it was worthwhile," Steve paused for a moment. "What I am struggling with is the fact I stabbed you and it has brought me to a decision. I'm quitting the department. I'm going to work full time at Barbecue Bob's," Steve was looking out to the ocean, not wanting to see his father's reaction.

Mark was stunned. He hadn't seen that coming! "What? Why are you quitting?" He thought he could guess but he needed to get everything out in the open so his son could start to heal and forgive himself. He kicked himself for not realizing the depth of Steve's pain.

"I think you know why. I'm tired, dad, and I know you worry about me, but the worst thing is this case I was on….you were hurt because of it, because of me. I can't forgive myself for stabbing you." Steve bit back a sob. He hated feeling this emotional but this was a life changing decision.

"If I can forgive you, why can't you forgive yourself?" Mark asked quietly.

"Because I have nightmares of you in the hospital, hooked up to machines and looking so pale and ill. Even now you don't look well and it's my fault. You didn't want me to take the case… I stabbed you, dad."

"I have nightmares often, Steve, of you in the hospital fighting for your life. But I wouldn't have you any other way. I know I wish sometimes you had a safer job, but the fact is I love you as you are and I don't want you giving up anything. I'm glad I was there! You could have slit your wrists…." Mark's voice faltered at the memory and gently lifted Steve's hand. He traced the scar that was still there as a reminder of the close call. Had he cut in deeper, he would have bled out very quickly. "I would rather have been stabbed than go through losing you."

"I don't want to lose you either, dad, and I don't want you to keep worrying about me, or face these terrible life or death situations." Steve watched as his father traced the line on his wrist. His memories of causing that injury were blurred, overtaken by the horror of stabbing his father. So much of his time in the terrible institute was blurred.

"The fact is, son, I love you very much. I will worry about you whatever you do. It's part and parcel of being a parent and I wouldn't swap the worry and anxiety for anything in the world. If you want to quit the department because you're tired, or want a change in lifestyle, then I will, of course, support you. However, I can't have you quitting because of this. It's not fair on you, or me, and you could end up resenting me." Mark spoke firmly and quickly. He meant what he said. He wasn't going to have his son give up because of him. Even though part of him wanted Steve safe. It was true; he'd worry about him whatever he did.

"I wouldn't resent you, dad. This is my decision." Steve sighed as he spoke.

"Maybe not, but I still don't want you making this decision, not because of what happened, or because you love me. I know you love me, I've never doubted that. You've been shaken and you're feeling low, but we both know being a cop is what you do and who you are." Mark spoke gently but firmly, knowing how difficult it could be to reach his stubborn son at times.

"Yeah, I've been shaken. I stabbed you!" Steve bit back a sob. "I've always been worried that you could get hurt when you're working on a case, but I never in my wildest dreams could imagine that I'd be the one to hurt you…."

Mark reached out and squeezed Steve's shoulder encouragingly. He needed to provide comfort but didn't want to interrupt. His son was finally opening up to him.

"I also think I just understood, for the first time, what you felt when you see me in hospital. I don't want to put you through anymore of that, and I most definitely don't want to be the cause of you being hurt again." Steve closed his eyes. He didn't know how to begin to recover from this. He'd never felt as devastated as he had when he realized he'd stabbed his own father. His gentle, loving father, who'd never hurt anyone in his life.

"This wasn't your fault, Steve, and nor would it be if something happened during a case." Mark paused. "I can't lie, Steve, and say it's easy seeing you hurt. You're my son, and I worry every day the phone rings that it is another …call…" Mark stumbled over his words; the emotions of the too recent shooting still too close to the surface. Vaguely he wondered if he would ever be able to discuss that day with equanimity but somehow doubted it. "But I don't want you any other way. Only the other night when you told me about the case, I thought about this. I'm very proud of you, son."

Steve sighed and dropped his head to his knees. Mark put his arm around his shoulders and Steve leaned gently into the embrace, trying not to put pressure on his injured father.

"I need to think about this, dad. Too much has happened. But I love you too."

Mark hugged him close. His son wasn't usually the demonstrative type but this conversation demanded some show of affection. "I've got an idea. I'm on sick leave for another two weeks, and you've got at least another week on sick leave. Why don't we take a trip to the mountains? That always helps you see more clearly."

Steve grinned, still enjoying the close contact with his father. His emotions had taken a real battering and he took comfort from the loving presence of his parent.

"You'd go to the mountains with me?" Steve joked lightly.

"Yeah, I'd go wherever you want, as I think a break would do us both good." Mark grinned back.

Steve sat up. "Yeah, let's do it. But first we should get you back to the house. It's getting a bit cold out here."

Mark grumbled as Steve helped him up. "Now who's fussing over who?"

Steve grinned evilly. "I think it's about payback time! Now you know how I feel! Let's go get ready for Amanda and Jesse. I'm starved."

Mark smiled to himself as they made their way back to the beach house. How could he not be proud of such a son? Hopefully this vacation break would help further heal him. Any other decisions could wait. The most important thing was they would be together.

The End.