I'm so sorry this took so long. I've been having technology nightmares in which my laptop broke, then my phone broke, and I lost all my work for this chapter.
This is the last chapter for this story, and I want to thank everyone for being so kind to me as always. Now I have my laptop back, I'm starting work on more writing, so stick around for that. I may publish a sequel to this story in the future, but I haven't decided yet.
Thanks again for reading, and I hope you enjoy the final chapter.

Can you feel the same?
I will never love again

My head throbs with pain. It's like someone's knocking a hammer against my forehead repeatedly.

Merde.

I open my eyes a little, just enough to let a sliver of glaring sunlight through. I groan at the severity of it. I roll over, and immediately a wave of nausea sweeps through me.

God, I feel terrible.

I open my eyes again. Slower, this time. Dark red bedsheets stretch out before me. They're crumpled and messy. Also, they don't belong to me.

Merde!

Panic seizes me. I sit up quickly, ignoring the sharp pain that pierces through my head as I do so.

I'm alone. I'm in a double bed, on the left side. The blinds are drawn haphazardly, and sunlight streams through the cracks. The bedside table is littered with scented candles, magazines and a stack of papers, a half empty glass of water, a necklace with a double helix charm hanging from the end, and a collection of silver rings.

The jewellery is Cosima's.

I'm in Cosima's room. In Cosima's bed. And my clothes are in a crumpled pile on the floor.

Merde! Shit! Holy fucking shit!

My heart starts beating rapidly.

How the fuck did I get here?

I'm panicking now, eyes wide and frantic, darting around the room, searching for any sort of clue as to what happened last night.

No, no, no. This can't be happening.

And then it comes back to me, memories slowly emerging through the haze. Felix's mimosas, then more mimosas, and another round after that. Then we did shots of vodka with Felix and Beth. And we drank more after that, I'm sure of it.

So, the four of us got way too drunk for a child's birthday party, that's certain. And somewhere in all this, Cosima and I found ourselves alone on the front porch again. It was growing darker, there was a campfire in the backyard where everyone was sitting, but for some reason we were back out on the porch, and we were talking like nothing was wrong and then, suddenly, I was in her arms and I was kissing her like I'd never kiss anyone again.

I'm not sure what happened after that, but eventually I was sitting cross-legged on the couch in an apartment I'd never seen before, with Cosima's head in my lap and a joint between my fingertips. And that was the end. Well, except for what came after.

Ugh. I cringe at the thought. I've made some stupid decisions in my life but this might be the one to top the list.

So, I'm in Cosima's bed, but she's not here, and my mouth is as dry as the desert. I decide it's useless sitting around here, especially as I'm so clueless as to what's going on. As to why I'm here alone.

I throw on yesterday's clothes and stumble out into the hall. There's two more doors, one to the left and one straight ahead, and the hall stretches out to the right. I can hear music from the other end, loud and harsh, mixed with the clatter of pots and pans. The Sex Pistols. I emerge into the room, squinting in the light that reaches in through the window.

'Sarah?'

'Hey, she's alive', Sarah looks up, smirking. She's frying bacon in a pan, oil spitting and sizzling.

'Hardly', I respond, smiling myself.

'Yeah, that's unsurprising. I can't believe you guys'.

'I'm so sorry if we ruined Kira's birthday', I say, ashamed.

Sarah waves her hand dismissively. 'You didn't. It was pretty funny actually. S wasn't impressed though. I had to leave Kira with her when I saw you and Cosima sneaking off together'.

'Why?'

'We live here, remember? Me and Kira, Cos and Felix'.

'Oh. Right'. I cringe. 'I don't remember getting here'.

'You got a cab', Sarah informs me. 'Couldn't stop you leaving, even though it was a terrible idea. But hey, you're a big girl, you can make your own mistakes'.

'What happened last night, Sarah?'

'I don't know. I didn't get back until a couple of hours after you did. I left Kira with S, Felix had gone back to Colin's. And I came back and the whole place smelt of pot. And I heard some noises I'd rather not have heard coming from Cosima's room'.

I hide my face in my hands. Sarah smirks again.

'I don't know what you were doing all that time I was still at Alison's. Probably just smoking pot. That's what you used to do. I remember'.

Her face turns, almost like she's upset. Her eyes betray the sadness. She taps her finger against the counter awkwardly, nails clicking against the surface.

'Are you mad?' I blurt out.

She pauses, then sighs. 'No. I just don't wanna see Cos get hurt. And you, too. I don't want you to get hurt either'.

'Where did she go? This morning, I mean. Have you seen her?'

She sighs again. 'Yeah, I saw her. I don't know where she went. She needed to get out of here. She just needs time to think'.

I look away.

'Where did I put my bag', I say absentmindedly, to myself more than to Sarah. I spot it, flung over the side of the couch. I go over to retrieve the pack of cigarettes I hid at the bottom.

'Can I smoke in here?' I ask.

'Sure', she replies. 'I thought you quit'.

'Well, I couldn't stay off them', I say, my tone harsh. Sarah raises an eyebrow, but shakes it off, turning back to the cutting board, where she's laying out strips of bacon onto slices of white bread.

'Reminds me of something else', she mutters.

I fold my arms. 'So you are mad'.

'I'm not', she snaps. But then her tone softens, and that look of sadness clouds her eyes again. 'It's just . . . you two are so stupid. After everything you've been through'.

'I shouldn't have gone to the party', I mutter.

'Maybe I shouldn't have invited you. I just thought you two could be friends, you know? I thought everything could go back to the way it used to be'.

'You mean before I fell in love with her'.

'Well, that's when it got complicated. That's when everything changed'.

I smirk. 'You once told me you didn't mind change'.

'I lied', she says shortly. 'I've had so much of it in my life already, I didn't want any more. We had our group of friends. I thought we'd be together forever. And I should have known we would all eventually move on, and we'd have our own lives, but I thought we'd still have each other, even if it was just talking on the phone'.

'I wish it could have been like that', I say wistfully.

'It could have been'.

I shake my head. 'It was too hard to be friends with Cosima. It was still hard, seeing her yesterday. Finding out about Shay'.

'You heard about Shay then'.

I nod.

'You still love her, don't you?' Sarah asks outright.

I pause for a moment, thinking about denying it, but there's no use in that. Not with Sarah.

'I can't stop thinking about her, even after all this time', I tell her sadly. 'I wish I didn't love her, but I do and there's nothing I can do to stop it'.

'So, you just gonna get over it?' she asks, as if it were so simple.

'What other choice do I have', I snap, 'when I'll love her for as long as I live? To die, I guess. Oh wait. I already tried that'. I laugh humourlessly.

Sarah looks stern. 'That's not funny'.

'You know, you're the only one I ever told about that', I continue, ignoring her. 'I didn't even tell Cosima'.

'Why not?' She blurts it out, but she shakes her head quickly afterwards. 'Wait, don't answer that, I don't need to know'.

I take another drag from my cigarette, staring her down.

'That wasn't about Cos', she says dumbly.

'Of course it wasn't about her', I snap. 'I hadn't even met her yet. Nothing in my life was worth living for. She changed all that for me. I was so close to getting everything I'd always dreamed of. Then I had it snatched away from me at the last minute'.

'That wasn't her fault'.

'I know it wasn't, it wasn't anybody's fault. But it didn't happen. And it's the fucking worst feeling in the world. To know that I was within touching distance of happiness. I just thought that, for once, things were going to work out for me'.

'I know it's shite, I know it hurts. But you gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself, Cormier, or I'm gonna start running out of sympathy'.

'And why's that?'

'We've all been hurt, at some point. We've all had that moment where we thought we were supposed to be happy, to get that thing we want, but things just didn't happen that way. I know you loved Cos, but we loved you too. All this shite about never getting to be happy. What about us? Weren't we enough to make you happy? Just cause you and Cosima were over, it didn't mean we didn't wanna be friends with you anymore. It's not like you ended on bad terms or anything. You were part of our family, Delphine. And then, just like that, you weren't. You didn't return any of my calls. How could you do that to me, Delphine?'

I open my mouth to defend myself, to snap back at her, to ask her how she dares to accuse me like she has. But any words I had planned on spitting out die in my throat, and I swallow them back down, leaving a dryness in my mouth.

And I let the tears fall freely, silently, down my cheeks, not caring enough to make an effort to pull myself together.

Because she's right. Of course she's right. I've been so wrapped up in myself that I never even thought that maybe I owed them an explanation. I thought I was doing the right thing, dropping off the face of the earth like I did, telling myself I didn't give a shit what anyone thought of me after I left. Because I care about how they look at me, I always have. And all this time, this is what Sarah really thought.

And she only ever calls me by my first name when it's serious.

'Shit, Delphine, I didn't mean to start the waterworks'. She rolls her eyes, but comes to sit beside me anyway, jumping up on to the table and draping an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to her so I lean against her lap.

'I'm sorry', I repeat over and over through my tears. 'I missed you. I missed you all. I haven't been myself since I left. I was my best self when I was with you, and I don't know how to get back to that on my own'.

'Delphine, don't you see? You were always that person, we just brought it out of you. We might have given you the confidence you needed, but we didn't do anything that changed you. It was always you'.

'But you made me a better person. Someone I liked, someone I actually wanted to be, wanted to share with people. But, Sarah, I can't be friends with her if I can't be with her. It's too hard'.

'You don't have to be. I'm sure she feels the same'.

'She doesn't. She doesn't have to worry about that, she's with someone else'.

'She does have to'.

'What do you mean?'

She shakes her head. 'Nothing. Forget I said anything'.

'Do you know something?'

'No, of course not', she snaps defensively, and I flinch at the sound.

Her face softens once she hears the harshness in her own voice, and her eyes betray a silent apology. They flicker over my face now, wide and expectant.

'So, what now?' she asks softly.

'I have no idea. I feel like we have to talk about it, but . . .' I trail off with a sigh.

'That's what normal people would do. But when have you two ever been normal?' She smirks, but there is only truth in her words. 'Do what you think is right. For you, I mean. Do whatever you wanna do. Screw my sister. She left you this morning before you even woke up, she's in no place to say anything'.

'I don't know what I want. I need a few days, I think'.

'Then think about it'.

After a while of silence, Sarah finally starts eating the bacon sandwich in front of her, but I decline the one she gives to me. I think I'll be sick if I eat anything.

I make a lame excuse about having other things to do, and, after trying to convince me to let her take me home, Sarah reluctantly decides to let me go.

'Delphine?' she calls after me as I reach for the door.

'Yes?'

'Call me'.

'I will', I nod, smiling. 'I promise'.

And this time I intend to keep my word.

Four weeks later, and I'm standing outside a Starbucks a couple of blocks from my apartment, dark eyes behind thick black glasses staring right back at me through the café window. I'm frozen in the middle of the sidewalk, people barging past me, muttering in annoyance as they pass, but I can't move out of the way. I'm stuck in this spot, my feet glued to the concrete, my eyes locked on hers.

Why is it, in a city as big as San Francisco, I keep running into ghosts from the past on every street corner?

She is the one who moves first, and I'm freed from her imprisonment, my eyes moving to the floor, control of my limbs regained. But my gaze returns to the window out of curiosity, only to find her pushing open the glass door and stepping out into the sun. She stops in front of me, leaving a meter of empty space between us, as if she's too afraid to come any closer. But where she stands now the golden rays of light illuminate her, falling into her hair, sparkling in her eyes, her tanned skin glowing. She's like an angel, and I don't step any closer either, for fear of tainting the vision before me.

'Hi', Cosima says softly.

All the words I want to say tangle in my head, a ball of nonsense I can't seem to decipher. And all I can do is say, dumbly, 'what are you doing here?'

'I was hanging out with Beth', she replies simply. 'She lives in this neighbourhood'.

'Oh'.

'Yeah', she responds awkwardly, looking at the ground, kicking an empty coffee cup with her white Converse sneaker.

'I guess you've been speaking to my sister', she says eventually, breaking the silence.

'Yes, I've seen her a couple of times. And we're going out tomorrow'.

She gives a small smile. 'That's nice'.

'Yes', I reply, not knowing what else to say.

'Just don't ever cut her out again'. Her tone isn't harsh, or even warning. But it's light, and genuine, like she's asking me for a favour. 'She needs you. She needs all of us more than she lets on, you know?'

I think I do know, because I think that Sarah and I are very similar, in that way. She loves her friends like they're blood family. She needs them for strength, because she's been through hard times in the past. She needs them to be there, because she relies on them more than they will ever know. I guess I didn't realise it until I came back, because she always seemed so fiercely independent. But she'd die for her friends, and she'd die without them.

I nod in understanding.

'What did she tell you about me?' Cosima asks.

'Nothing'.

'Oh', she says, sounding almost disappointed.

I tilt my head to one side, curious. 'Should she have done?'

'No. I just thought she would have explained why I went off the radar'.

'I think she left that for you to explain for yourself'.

She looks down.

'Why didn't you explain?' I press. 'Why did you just leave without saying anything?'

She shrugs. It's not a gesture of carelessness, of indifference. She just doesn't know how to answer. I can tell from the twisted expression on her lips.

'I wasn't ready to talk', she answers finally.

'Are you ready now?' I ask boldly.

She pauses.

'Yes', she nods, still seeming unconvinced. 'But, first, I think you should know. I called things off with Shay'.

Oh. Now I really don't know what to say. Or maybe I just don't know how to feel. I know the fact that she is romantically uninvolved once again should make me happy, but it doesn't. Not if she's not happy.

Especially when I know it's down to the fact that we slept together. Even though Shay and her weren't exactly official, it still constitutes cheating for Cosima. Or at least, it did when I knew her. She always had very strong opinions on the subject.

'Because of me?' I ask, though I already suspect it's true.

'Yeah'.

'I'm sorry', I say quietly.

'Don't be', she says dismissively.

'But I know you really liked her, and I'm sorry I ruined that'.

'Sure, I liked her', she shrugs. 'But there's something about her I couldn't get past'.

'Like what?'

She looks straight into my eyes now, a newfound confidence lit within them.

'She's not you'.

My breath catches in my throat, and she must sense it, because she laughs, any sign of her own nervousness disappearing in the sound.

'Alcohol always made me spill my feelings, don't you remember? You should have known I meant everything I said to you that night at Alison's'.

She pauses expectantly, but I'm not sure what to say.

'I don't remember most of the night, Cosima', I chuckle.

She laughs too. 'We were pretty wasted, huh'.

'What did you say to me?'

She takes a breath. 'I said, as soon as I saw you, I knew a part of me would always love you, and I was a little scared that I might never love anyone else the same way. I said I didn't think being together could ever be an option, but I'm here, and you're here, and . . . and you told me you loved me'.

'I told you that?' I ask, almost whispering.

'Is it true?'

I almost laugh, but I catch myself before I do. It just seems so ridiculous. Cosima, asking me if I'm love with her.

'Of course it's true', I tell her, tears of raw emotion pooling in my eyes now.

'And you want me?' Her eyes are shining with water too.

'Yes', I gasp tearfully.

'Well', she laughs, wiping a stray tear says with her thumb. 'That's that'.

It's simple, really. After everything, it's simple.

And yet we still don't know what to say to each other. I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear nervously, she looks down and squashes the empty paper cup with her shoe, I fiddle with the buttons on my white shirt.

I don't know what we're supposed to do now. How we're supposed to get back to where we used to be. Maybe we can never get back. We're not teenagers any more. But now the city is our own, and we can make what we want out of it. The question is, how do we begin?

'I was wondering if I could take you for a drink?' Cosima breaks the silence finally, answering my unspoken question.

She smiles hopefully, a flash of white, that beautiful smile I could never forget.

And it is hopeful. I have hope too. Hope that this is the start of something, after a story of so many endings. I think she feels it too.

Because maybe our story never really began, and so it never really ended. Maybe here is where it begins.

'Yes', I nod. 'I'd like that'.