The vote is in, and it was in favor of Access Denied. I can see why that episode was so popular. Anyway, here it is, delivered in novella form. Like Order Up, this novella uses paraphrased dialogue, emphasized Lukesse moments, and other extras not found in the original episode. The Tealy Touch, as I like to call it ;3

Uses Fem!Jesse variant 1, just like Order Up. Again, we'll call her Jess.

I used PhatSteve7's playthrough and XCageGame's playthrough as references.

Here thar be spoilers, of course.

Jess liked to say that it was good for an adventure to start off with a bang, but she didn't mean it literally. She and her friends Petra, Lukas, and Ivor came blasting out of the fire world portal when an explosion went awry. The force of the blast didn't hurt them, but it did throw them right into the portal hallway. They all faceplanted on the cold quartz tiles. They had soot smeared on their faces, and the smell of smoke clung to them.

"Oh, wow," Jess stammered as she and the others staggered to their feet. "Now that was an adventure. A whole world made out of fire! Can you imagine?"

"My clothes are going to smell like smoke for weeks," Ivor complained, dusting himself off.

Jess glanced over at Lukas and spotted something startling. "Lukas, your bum is on fire!"

She didn't know what to do. When she hesitated, Lukas took the situation into his own hands.

"Ahh!" he yelped, plunking himself down on the floor. He scooted forward like a dog, whimpering the whole time. Well, that was one way to put out the flames. When he was sure that his bum wasn't on fire anymore, he sighed in relief and pulled out a book and quill. He thumbed over to a clean page and started scribbling.

"I'm going to call that one the Fire World," he said.

Petra rolled her eyes. "Genius! Never would have thought of that one."

She made a scoffing sound and turned away from the others. Jess, Lukas, and Ivor looked at her strangely. Jess was surprised by the unexpected rude behavior from Petra. What did Lukas do to her to warrant that?

"I'm...sorry?" Lukas faltered, putting away his book. "Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, what's up, Petra?" Jess asked. "What's bothering you?"

"What's bothering me?" Petra fumed. "I'll tell you what's bothering me. We're still stuck in this dang portal hallway! We've been going in and out of a bunch of stupid worlds, over and over again, trying to find our way home. Wrong portal after wrong portal! This is so useless!"

"Petra…" Ivor said firmly, trying to calm her down. "I understand that you're upset. We're all tired, so maybe we should stop for a break-"

Petra wasn't done with her rant. "Like just now! That stupid fire world portal! Whose dumb idea was it to go there in the first place? What were they thinking? 'Golly, I wonder what's on da odeh side of dat portal? Look at da netherrack and fiyah! Dis is a safe place, what do yous guys think?' What a cobblestone brain."

Lukas looked away and pretended to be interested in the empty pages of his book. Going through the fire world portal had been his idea. Jess noticed his poorly-disguised hurt feelings. Maybe he was wondering if Petra really though he was stupid.

"Petra." Jess put her hands on her hips. "Chill out. I know you're upset, but we have to keep it together."

"Jess is right," said Ivor. "Infighting in the group will only make this mission harder."

"Mission?" Petra said scornfully. "You call it a mission, like we chose to get lost in this dumb hallway. No. This is just the same stupid thing, over and over again. We're stuck in a rut and we'll never find our way home!"

"Well, we will never find our way home with that kind of attitude," Ivor said. "My goodness, child. We will survive. Do you want to sit down and rest for a few minutes?"

"No." Petra whirled away from the old man. "I wanna go home. I just want to know which of these portals goes home."

Ivor shrugged. "It would have been helpful if the Old Builders, or whoever it was who built this place, left some way of identifying these portals. Occasionally I worry that we've gone to the same world multiple times. Some of these portals look much too similar to each other."

"But we don't have directions, so we have to play it by ear," Jess said, but it was more to Petra than Ivor. "So there's some trial and error involved."

"Error, error, error, error, error!" Petra growled as she stormed away from the group.

"Hey!" Jess called after her. "Where are you going?"

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna find my way home if it kills me! Instead of just choosing random portals, I'll ask someone for directions. The logical route. If only our leadership would have thought of that first, maybe we wouldn't still be stuck here."

Jess's step faltered. Petra had been glaring right at Jess when she mentioned the 'leadership' of the group. So now Petra was blaming Jess for letting the group be stuck in the portal hallway for so long. She and the other two hurried after Petra before the feisty redhead could go too far off on her own.

"Now you hold on a minute," Jess said, but Petra ignored her. Petra had parked herself in front of a portal with a frame made of redstone crystals. The goo inside the portal was a bold red to match.

"Okay. This is what we've got." Petra whacked the side of the portal frame with her fist. "It's made of redstone. Where there's redstone, there's smart people. Maybe they can help us."

"Well, okay, but you're not going to be mean to them, are you?" Jess asked. "It's gonna be all right, Petra. We'll find our way home."

"Not with you making all the decisions," Petra retorted.

Jess blinked, taken aback. "Ah-wha?"

"What, are you saying that you're going to go in there by yourself if we don't go with you?" Lukas asked.

"What I'm saying that I'm sick of Jess getting to decide what we do all the time. Never any input from ol' Petra. We always do what Jess wants to do, and I'm getting really sick of it."

At first Jess was a bit angry to hear that. So that's what all this was about? Petra was angsting about something as small as that? Well, she didn't need to lash out at Lukas and Ivor because of that. That was just plain uncalled for! Jess knew Petra wasn't used to being part of a group and wanted her independence, but she didn't need to act like a jerk to get it!

"It's always Jess this and Jess that. She gets to decide what to do...Every. Single. Time."

Lukas took a step back, as if Petra was going to pounce on him. "Woah."

Jess needed something to say. Hopefully she could get Miss Feistypants to calm down if she said the right stuff. Because the last thing they needed right now was a fight. One of the first things they needed was probably team naptime, but she wasn't about to suggest that right now.

"I don't know what to tell you, Peets," Jess said, shrugging. "Deciding what happens next is a leader thing, and I'm the leader. Someone needs to be in charge."

That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Even in the ruby glow of the portal, Jess could see Petra's face blush a hot, angry red.

"Oh yeah? Well, you won't be in charge of me anymore. Forget it!" Petra's hands curled up into fists. She looked two seconds away from starting a rumble.

"Hey, hey, hey, HEY!" Lukas said, interposing himself between his friends. "That's enough! The both of you need to calm down. I don't think Jess meant that. Did you mean that, Jess?"

He glanced over at her, expecting her answer. Jess bit her lip, trying to think of the right thing to say that would hopefully diffuse the argument. Her shoulders sagged.

"Maybe this is just a misunderstanding," Jess offered. "I said something, and maybe you took it the wrong way?"

"How else was I supposed to take it?" Petra crossed her arms. "'Cause that didn't sound like an apology to me."

Jess frowned. What was she supposed to be sorry about? Petra was the one who had lashed out at her friends and tried to guilt-trip Jess. But her thoughts were soon interrupted.

"Oh, forget it. I'm out." Petra abruptly jumped through the red portal and disappeared. It took a second for the other three to realize what just happened.

Lukas let out a small whistle. "That...didn't go the way I wanted it to."

"I feel sorry for whoever's on the other side of that portal," Jess said. "Geez. She might tear off someone's head for looking at her the wrong way."

"I don't think we should let her go off on her own," Ivor said. "It could mean trouble."

"You mean, Petra will be in trouble...or Petra will be the trouble?" Jess asked. "Come on. We'd better go."

She walked through the portal, with Lukas tagging behind and Ivor bringing up the back. Ivor was so distracted by thinking about Petra's angsting that he forgot to shout his catchphrase, "Adventure!"

Jess, Ivor, and Lukas hit the ground one by one, throwing sand and dust into the air. The fall hadn't been enough to injure them, but the impact still smarted. The three of them stumbled to their feet, dusted the sand off their clothes, and glanced around.

It was one of the most barren places Jess had ever seen. The land was nothing but kilometers of ruddy sand and looming mesas. The sun blazed in an empty blue sky. The air was thick, hot, and dusty. The only feature recognizable as man-made was the beige sand trail under their feet. It stretched out far in either direction, going off to who knows where.

Even though it was barren and hot, Jess still thought it was cool. She admired the deep orange sand and suntanned, oddly-shaped rocks. Some of the mesas even had bands of different colored stone running through their middles, built up over thousands of years. It was as if they were standing in Brother Nature's own sculpture gallery.

"Wow!" Jess exclaimed, gawking at it all. "A mesa biome. They're so rare back home! Look at that rock. It's shaped like a turtle!"

"So that's what it was called." Lukas dug a small book and a feather from his pocket. "I forgot what the name was."

Jess hadn't seen the book before. Where had it come from?

"Lukas, where did you get that book? I don't remember you bringing one along when we left."

"This?" Lukas asked, flicking the book shut. "It's just a book. I picked it up back at the White Pumpkin's place. It's got lots of blank pages to fill in, so I figured I should write about our Portal Hallway adventures in it."

"That's a good idea." She grinned at him, secretly thinking about what an adorable geek he was. "To record our adventures for posterity and stuff. People will want an accurate account once we get back home."

Lukas scanned the windswept, sandy plain. "Where do you think Petra went? This is a big biome, but it's an open area, so where would she go?"

"Not really sure." Jess shielded her eyes from the sun. "I hope she doesn't get lost, though. Do you think she's trying to look for those smart people she was talking about?"

"Once we find Petra, we ought to keep looking for any people here," Ivor chimed in. "Who knows? Perhaps their city is just over the hills. It's worth it to look for help here!"

Lukas bent down and traced his finger in the beige sand. "This looks like some kind of trail. Clearly man-made. Where do you think it goes?"

"We can follow it and find out." Ivor elbowed Lukas. "And then you can write about it in your little diary."

"It's not little," Lukas protested. "It's got 300 pages for me to fill. Plenty of room."

"Note how he didn't deny that it's a diary," Ivor said to Jess, but she wasn't really paying attention. She studied the path taken by the road. She couldn't tell whether right or left was preferred, until she spotted a battered wooden sign staked into the ground a couple meters away. A right-facing arrow was painted onto it, signaling that right was the, well, right way to go.

"Roads mean civilization," Jess declared. "Let's be on our way so we can get there before nightfall."

"What about Petra?" Lukas asked. "Shouldn't we look for her first?"

"We'll likely see her on the way there. Petra isn't dumb. She wouldn't wander off into the desert for no reason, not when there's a road to follow instead."

"Very true," Ivor concurred. "Petra is a very streetwise young lady. Her sense of direction is quite keen."

Lukas nodded. "All right. Good point. Let's get a move on."

With nothing else to say for now, the trio turned and started down the road. They passed a vaguely skull-shaped mesa and a thicket of barrel cacti. Jess thought she heard a coyote howl in the distance, but it might have been her imagination. The road turned a bend. Jess spotted a person in blue crouching next to a rock outcropping. They looked like-

"Petra!" Jess ran over to her friend and knelt next to her on the ground. "Whatcha looking at?"

"Shh!" Petra hissed. "Stay down. And what are you doing here? I said not to follow me."

"Tough beans, sis," Jess countered. "No-one gets left behind in the New Order of the Stone!"

Petra rolled her eyes. "Not the best catchphrase I've ever heard."

"So what are you looking at, anyway?" Jess pressed.

Petra pointed at the valley beyond the outcropping. A single zombie staggered around on the sand. Now usually that would be nothing out of the ordinary, but this was plain, broad daylight. Zombies were supposed to burst into flames and die in sunlight, but this one wandered around, completely unaffected. The zombie's movements seemed even stiffer than normal. There seemed to be some odd, small object attached to the back of its head.

"Freaky, right?" Petra whispered.

"What's that gizmo on its head?" Jess inquired, hoping Petra had noticed it as well. "Some kind of mutation or growth?"

"No idea." Petra shrugged. "It's weird, though. Maybe it's part of this world's schtick? Zombies don't burn during the day?"

"Let's get up close so we can see it better," Jess suggested.

"I'm game for that." Petra stood up, shifted her shoulders around to loosen up her muscles, and got out her sword. She vaulted over the rock outcropping and rushed at the zombie. This would be a piece of cake! That zombie wouldn't know what hit it.

Petra lashed out with an impressive high kick and slashed her sword across the zombie's chest. She expected to get sprayed with dust, but instead, the zombie just spun around and growled, largely unhurt.

"What the hey?" Petra struck the monster again, but it still wouldn't go down. "Why won't this thing die?"

"Petra, are you okay?" Jess called as Petra continued to bash the zombie with her sword, to little effect.

"Actually, no! I could use some help!" Petra yelled back.

"Okay, I got this!" Jess whipped out her own sword and jumped over the rocks to come to Petra's aid. The zombie saw her coming and turned to attack her instead. It was just as slow and dumb as any other zombie, but Jess would be darned if it wasn't resilient. She stabbed the monster in its chest and throat, which would almost guarantee a quick kill otherwise, but it still wouldn't fall.

"That isn't normal," she said nervously.

It took almost eight more hits to finally down the monster. Jess drove her sword into the back of the creature's neck, killing it at last. It dissolved into dust and left behind a hard-earned iron ingot. Jess took the metal piece and gave it to Petra, who stuffed it in her pocket.

"Well, that was not what I anticipated," Jess said, wiping a bit of sweat off her forehead.

"I'd have hoped not," Ivor declared as he and Lukas walked up to the girls. "That was just one zombie! What was the problem?"

"That was more than 'just' a zombie," Petra said. "It was a mutant, supercharged zombie or something. It was way stronger than normal. Or maybe it's me? Do you think I'm losing my touch?"

"It's not you," Jess replied. "That was one heck of a zombie. Monsters must be stronger in this world."

Lukas crossed his arms. "So this world is full of stronger monsters?"

As if on cue, a whole horde of those stronger monsters approached them. The zombies were arranged into four perfect rows, marching in synchronization. Petra, Lukas, and Jess quickly drew their swords. The whole group backed away from the incoming zombies.

"We need to find a better way to deal with these things," Jess told her friends. "Hitting each one ten thousand times before it dies is not cutting it."

The zombies ended up cornering them by backing them up against a rock wall. But just before Jess was sure they'd tear her and her friends limb from limb, the zombies stopped short. Their arms flopped to their sides and their backs hunched over.

"That was sort of anticlimactic," Lukas commented.

"I'll say. What's going on?" Jess stared at the weird, non-reactive zombies. "Maybe they're peaceful? Some monsters don't like to attack humans?"

Lukas hesitantly prodded a zombie with the tip of his sword. The zombie made no reaction.

"Huh. Pacifist zombies. That's new." He lowered his weapon.

Now that the zombies had stopped moving and seemed to be in some kind of nonreactive state, Jess thought it would be a good time to see what the heck those things on the backs of their heads were. They were fist-sized metal boxes, with a large red light blinking on and off.

"It looks like it's made out of redstone," Lukas observed. "Maybe that's what makes the zombies so strong? It controls their behavior?"

"Astounding. I must get a closer look." Ivor squinted at the thingamabob on the back of a zombie's head. "For science!"

"I think it controls their behavior. Tells them when to stop and start."

"I'd better write it down." Lukas turned to a fresh page in his book. "Take some notes an-Ah!"

The zombies suddenly jerked upright and shook as if struck with a seizure. A screechy feedback noise blared from that...chip...on the back of their heads. It scratched at Jess's ears and seemed to reverb through her skull. She and her friends clamped their hands over their ears in a vain attempt to block it out.

"Augh! What's that awful noise?" Lukas cried out in distress.

"It's like it's attacking my brain!" Ivor pulled at his long greasy hair in agitation.

"Sounds like it's a sign to get the heck outta here!" Jess motioned frantically with her arm.

"I'm game." Lukas hurried over to her.

But before the group could split it, the zombies stopped spazzing out. They returned to their normal poses, turned about face, and started walking off in the direction they came. Jess watched them leave in confusion.

"Where are they going?" Ivor asked. "These are the most bizarre of zombies."

Lukas rubbed his chin, thinking deeply. "Uh, can I float a weird idea?"

"Sure," Jess said.

"I think they're trying to show us which way to go. Trying to lead us somewhere."

Ivor made a snorty sound. It sounded like a ridiculous proposition to him, but he didn't want to hurt Lukas's feelings.

"You're right, Lukas." Petra stood up a little straighter.

"Really?" His expression brightened.

"You're right that it's a weird idea. Crazy."

"Oh."

Jess shrugged. "It seems purposeful, though. And if you ask me, I'd rather follow the zombies than wander aimlessly in the desert. At least if we follow the zombies, we have some direction."

Ivor looked over at Petra. "She has a point."

"I just hope they're safe. You know, to follow and stuff." Lukas glanced nervously at the robot-like creatures. They were even more mindless than normal zombies.

"We'd best follow them at a slight distance," Ivor suggested. "That way, if something adverse happens, we can flee quickly."

Everyone else thought that was a swell idea, and so off they went, following a few paces behind the zombies. The desert heat continued to beat down on them as the sun blazed overhead. Not so distantly, a coyote howled, but it sounded...off, somehow. None of the animals seemed to make their proper noise here.

After a short while, the zombies turned a bend about a mesa. That revealed a staircase carved out of the stone in the mesa. The stairs spiraled up to the top of the rock shelf, and Jess could spot little clay huts built atop it. Civilization!

...Hopefully.

Hoo boy...that opening scene gave me such flashbacks to Portal Party.