The Art of Not Being a Ninja

A/N: I finally update! I apologize for the time you've had to wait for this, if any have waited that is.

No warnings, just a silly amount of crack and advanced vernacular for children.

Chapter 3: Waging the War on Attraction

"Girls and Boys!"

Everyone turned to look at Sakura. The pinkette was perched on a desk. It was recess but it was raining outside and everyone had stayed inside.

"I need to speak with you about a danger which threatens our very existence."

Sakura was flanked by Naruto and Sasuke, both with folded arms and sitting on the desk she was standing on.

"We are threatened by something which has been described to me as a 'crush'."

There were some gasps throughout the room. Choji looked extremely troubled. One girl even fainted.

"Yes, the time has approached for us to be faced by this evil. Even I have been afflicted. None of us are safe from this horrible malady," Sakura paused, looking somberly at her classmates.

"Do not fear, we can fight it and support each other so as not to be undermined by this weakness. We will and we can overcome this."

Sakura paused again to survey the crowd of eight year olds, watching them measure her words and tone.

"As such, I expect all of you to ask for help if you experience any of the symptoms of a crush and to report it to me so that the proper support can be given to those who need it. It is noted that the female population is particularly susceptible. We will let nothing stop us though, I rely on your loyalty and honesty to see us through this crisis."

Sakura gave a nod and climbed down from the table. The room burst out in harried conversation, the topic of crushes heading most of it. Sakura gave a sidelong glance at Sasuke. This had all started about a week ago when she had noticed Sasuke in a way that made her stomach very uncomfortable. People said butterflies, but she would describe it as a coordinated attack by rhopalocera done with malicious intent. A heinous crime indeed.

Her first thought had been that it was some sort of subversive genjutsu attack done by the black haired boy, so she had punched him, a lot. Naruto had eventually intervened, not wanting to deal with first degree murder and the loss of his first friend to death and his other friend to the justice system. A long talk had ensued, a battle plan laid out, and the enemy keenly analyzed. Sakura had been shocked to learn that there weren't just simple crushes but an entire classification system. The lowest graded being the butterfly inducing crush, the highest graded being the compromising state of twitterpation. Worse was the fact that everyone was culpable and everyone a possible victim of the vicious disease.

With narrowed eyes, Sakura looked across her gabbing group of followers.

"How will we know? Where will we look? In what ways can we guard against this malady? These questions sore afflict me, Naruto-kun," Sakura said in a somber voice, small fingers stroking her chin in a thoughtful manner.

"Hai, Sakura-chan, we can only prepare for the worst and be ever vigilant," Naruto replied in an affected manner of dramatics, standing with his arms folded.

Sasuke just nodded, his head still raised in bumps from the previous assault of a certain pink haired girl. Crushes were truly dangerous.

Shikaku stared blankly for a few moments, not quite believing what he was seeing. He blinked, the tea in his hand completely forgotten. Shikamaru Nara was working, actually, genuinely working. No motivation, no bribe, no threat, no pan raised by a terrifying had evoked this sudden and terrifyingly confusing act.

He watched for a few more moments as Shikamaru went from stretching katas to practicing chakra control. The boy's brow was beaded in sweat. No one was out there making him do it though. Shikaku's tea began to dribble a little, pouring steam hot liquid onto his pants. He let out a curse word, hastily setting the tea down and batting at his pants.

"Watch your mouth, honey." The reprimand was anything but sweet, Yoshino was threatening possible castration and Shikaku had not doubt that his wife would go through with it if he didn't fall in line.

"And don't spill your tea, you're lazy enough as it is."

Shikaku glanced at his wife, bowing his head apologetically, gaze still drawn to the bizarre behavior of his son. Yoshino followed his gaze and a small smile came on her face.

"He's working so hard, isn't it wonderful?" Her smile faded and a glower came onto it.

"I was worried he was going to end up like you," she said with a glare directed at Shikaku.

He shrank under her terrifying look.

"Wonder what caused the change," she mused before pouring Shikaku more tea and moving back toward the kitchen.

Shikaku couldn't help but wonder the same thing.

"You have two choices Nara," a toneless voice said menacingly.

"You can either join the Pink Death or, you can not join the Pink Death."

Shikamaru frowned in confusion at the undertone of not good things that the voice of one Sasuke Uchiha was suggesting if he did something contrary to joining the Pink Death. Black eyes surveyed Shikamaru, flaying him with the certainty of the not good things happening very soon in his soon to be not long future.

"So, Nara, what's your choice?"

Shikamaru shivered, there was no option. The catch-22 was obvious.

"Guess pink's my color?" Shikamaru said nervously, feeling notably nauseous.

A small, evil grin crept onto Sasuke's face and Shikamaru shuddered.

In the end, Shikamaru ended up in his garden going through physical exertion and now sporting a phobia of the color pink. It was rhodophobia, he'd looked it up, somehow that didn't make anything better.

"What's your favorite food, Naruto-kun?" Sakura said sweetly, skipping between the blonde headed jinchuuriki and the quiet Uchiha.

"Oh, Sakura-chan! I'm so glad you asked! The food I worship so fully is divine; an ambrosia which was designed by a most benevolent god. It is the purpose and meaning of life, and without it, we would be lost to the throes of war and desolation. Ramen, my most effulgent Sakura-chan, is this said food."

Sakura gave a thoughtful nod, not really paying attention, she'd zoned out starting at 'ambrosia' and 'benevolent'. Sasuke however was all ears.

"I have never taken this perspective when considering ramen, you make a compelling case, Naruto-kun," Sasuke responded.

"However," Sasuke continued, halting before they began to make their way to Ichiraku's, "I disagree."

Naruto narrowed his eyes while Sakura looked around lazily.

"Ramen is neither necessary for finding the rudimentary purpose of existence, nor for establishing and maintaining peace. Also, one must first make the argument for or against the existence of a god before claiming that this possibly non-existent figure can lay claim to the creation of ramen, especially as I have strong evidence which links ramen to being a Japanese food derived from a Chinese dish called lamian. I do not perceive the Chinese as gods."

He paused before continuing, "Also, ramen sucks, and it's super unhealthy. So, yeah," Sasuke finished lamely, folding his arms.

Naruto's features were pulled into a visage of absolute horror while Sakura looked mildly bored, gazing off to the side. Naruto made a choked, screaming sound before pitching to the side as if Sasuke had killed him. Sakura wasn't paying attention to any of it, still looking around for a place to eat. Sasuke sweat-dropped before crouching down to poke his friend on the cheek.

Tears were streaming down Naruto's cheeks and he was in the fetal position. Sasuke narrowed his gaze as Naruto didn't respond to the poke. He poked him in the cheek again, a thoughtful expression on his face. Naruto was whimpering, ignoring his friend. Sasuke poked him again.

"C'mon, let's go!" The pinkette's voice sounded out.

Sakura seized both boys by their ears, pulling them in the direction of the Akimichi Barbeque House.

"I'm hungry and I don't have time to sit around and watch you two argue about philosophy, if I wanted to do that I'd go hang out with homeless college graduates who figured out that a Bachelor's in philosophy was worse than getting a degree in English."

The boys yelped in pain as she forced them through the doorway and into the seats of a booth. Finally she let go and they both rubbed at their ears sullenly. Sakura just sent them a cool, sharp toothed smile which had both of them shrinking down in fear. She began to order.

"I love you Himari! I love you!"

Himari turned, eyes glistening with unshed tears of utter and complete emotional catharsis.

"Oh, Choji!" She cried, swooning into the waiting eight year old's arms.

"I love you baby," Choji cried back, "It's wrong and forbidden, but I don't care, I love you! I love you! I love you!"

"Oh, Choji!" Himari cried, a hand fluttering vapidly at her brow.

"I'll give you all my sweets!" Choji said, tears flowing from his eyes as he struggled through the deep and complicated feelings of devotion and love that only an eight year old can experience.

"I'll give you all my toys!" He cried next.

Himari stayed in her swooning position, staring tragically to the side, she glanced at Choji and jerked her head for him to continue. Choji seemed to lose steam.

"Uh, I'll give you a million roses!" He cried.

Himari let out a soft annoyed sigh, staring to the side with a look of sardonic annoyance.

"Ummm," Choji lost his momentum, "I'll give you all diamonds in the world?"

By now Himari was crossing her arms from her swooned position and had fixed a flat gaze on Choji. He sweat-dropped as he struggled to come up with something.

"Sunflowers?" He hazarded a guess.

She shook her head, making a hand motion.

"Uh, you want a guillotine instead?"

Her deadpan increased intensity. She waved to him and he leaned so his ear was next to her mouth. She whispered a few words. Choji's smile came back and they resumed the dramatic position of swooner and swoonee.

"I'll give you Sasuke Uchiha's street address and favorite food!" He cried passionately.

Himari threw her hand back up, attempting to pant romantically.

"Oh, Choji!"

Kakashi was perfecting his fan art at the moment, studiously working his drawing of Josei into a living breathing masterpiece. He frowned, okay, maybe it needed work. Stick figures weren't quite a Picasso (or were they?). Kakashi clucked his tongue, this art thing wasn't really working out. But he needed some outlet for all of his fanboy emotions! How could he express his highly developed argument on Josei's boob size or tell the world of his belief that Otaku's scar was really an inch and a half, not an inch and three quarters (he'd done some sizing on the front cover pictures, mapping out in exact numbers the scale of the drawings). These things needed expression!

Kakashi sniffed tragically. He just wasn't cut out to be the ultimate fanboy, he had limited drawing skills and was a little scared of the Icha Icha convention world. Why did life have to curse him with unnaturally good looks and the ability to kill an entire army? All he had wanted was the ability to live out his life as a fanboy. Ah, cruel fate. Maybe he could ask Naruto for help, the boy was sure to have some kind of advice.

Now properly depressed Kakashi grabbed his favorite Icha Icha book and flipped to his favorite passage. He needed some comfort right now and the chapter on Josei's underwear was the perfect balm to soothe his aching soul. With another exaggerated sniff, Kakashi snuggled down on his couch and set into the passage where the lace was described in full detail along with other anatomical parts of the female body.

"What's a betting pool?" Sasuke deadpanned, looking horribly unconvincing in his attempted feigning of innocence.

Asuma stared down at the boy, a little put off by the unpleasant look on the child's face. Somehow the boy managed to look like a disapproving old woman who was willing to cut your throat if you disagreed with her.

"Betting pools are illegal in most cases, I hope you are aware of that," Asuma said, hoping that would ease out some sort of confession.

Despite the hokage's insistence that all of this was just a bunch of silly childhood games and that kids would be kids, Asuma had been paying attention and 900,000 yen was too big a number to just be a kids' game.

"Oh, that's dreadful," Sasuke said in monotone, the look on his face unchanging, "I hope a betting pool never happens in Konoha. We wouldn't want any non-law abiding individuals poisoning the minds of the children."

Asuma raised a brow. The boy just kept glaring at him. It was unnerving. A few moments passed.

"You're such a smart adult," Sasuke then said rather unconvincingly, as if he was reassuring Asuma of his youth.

Asuma frowned in confusion.

"I must go frolic now, like the other children," Sasuke said, then the boy abruptly turned and walked away.

Asuma watched him go, trying to understand what had just happened.

"One word, Fanfiction."

Kakashi blinked, what was fanfiction? Naruto had his arms folded and looked very confident in himself.

"Look it up, you'll see."

Those were his only words of explanation. Kakashi frowned. Fanfiction? He would try it out, besides, it's not like it would consume his entire existence or anything.

"Kakashi hasn't shown up for work in a while, do you think he's sick?"

Anko shrugged at the jounin's question.

"Don't know, don't care," she said, throwing back some illicit workplace sake.

Back at his house Kakashi was posed over his computer, fingers flying. He cackled like a mad scientist, lightning flashing in the background. His creation was alive! Alive! He'd gotten his first followers and someone had reviewed. He'd been at the computer for days.

This power, it was intoxicating, exhilarating, all consuming! Kakashi was addicted, he would never stop! NEVER!

Sakura frowned, pretty face marred by those deeply penetrating lines of displeasure. Whatever the eight year old was whispering in her ear was not making her happy. The child finished and pulled away, looking in slight trepidation at her all powerful overlord. Sakura nodded her head, gaze troubled.

"Thank you Nana, your loyalty is noted and shall be rewarded accordingly."

"O-oh, thank you Sakura-chan!" The girl replied, bowing multiple times before running off.

Sakura watched her go, a look of subtle anger straightening her features to a threatening sharpness. Someone was going to be unhappy very soon.

Sakura moved away from the playground, a hidden gesture making Sasuke drop like a shadow from the tree he was hiding in and Naruto step away from the students he was instructing in prank maneuvers. They fell in beside her as she made her way toward the classroom building. With a quick pulse of chakra, the three climbed up the building and landed on the roof.

They'd been practicing and had gotten much better at their stealth and chakra control. The boys turned to face Sakura once they were situated on the roof.

"We've been compromised, one of our own has fallen into disgrace, tricked by fickle emotions."

Both the boys became very serious.

"Who?" Sasuke asked, voice bitingly sharp.

"Akimichi Choji."

There was a pause and Sakura unfolded her arms and grabbed a kunai from her pocket.

"You know what to do, boys."

They both nodded and hopped from the roof.

The last few weeks had been deceivingly quiet and Iruka had mistakenly assumed that this was the end of the terrifying shenanigans of the Pink Death and her posse. It was in fact, the calm before the storm.

Currently he was grading some written assignments. Surprisingly they were all quite high, over all way higher than what usually came through the academy. The usual way stuff happened was that most were mediocre or awful and a select few were advanced or beyond. He had a niggling sense of dread that Haruno, Uchiha, and Uzumaki were to thank for this. They were surprisingly rigorous in their studies and extended this standard to any who were involved in their gang of followers.

In fact, most of the papers he were correcting required little red ink. He might wrap up early today and get home before his back cramped up. Stretching, Iruka massaged his neck, turning his head so he saw out the window.

He blinked languidly, how nice, the children were preparing to burn one of the other children, Iruka looked down at the papers preparing to continue grading. He froze as his mind struggled to catch up with what it'd seen. The children were preparing to burn one of the other children. Iruka whipped his head to the side, eyes bugging out as he looked out the window. He cursed, flying from his chair.

He emerged outside, racing toward the center of the playground/training area where Sakura Haruno had a scroll in hand and was standing ceremonially as a crowd of children surrounded her and a makeshift pyre.

Iruka stomped over to her.

"What are you doing!?"

The girl peered cooly up at him, completely unfazed, scroll in one hand, feet together and standing stiffly straight.

"I am glad you're here, Umino sensei, it's about to begin."

Oh hell no! Iruka thought, he was not going to be that one teacher who let his student's burn another student.

"No, no it is not, we're not going to begin anything!" Iruka started.

"I'm afraid your interference is unwarranted Umino sensei, it's already begun."

Iruka watched in horror as Naruto and Sasuke dragged Choji's body over to the pyre. They'd killed him, they'd already killed him. Iruka's mind short circuited, he was surrounded by children of the corn.

Sakura watched in feline fascination as Umino Iruka went very pale and promptly passed out.

"Hmmm, he must not be feeling well," Sasuke murmured with vicious glee.

Naruto was frowning, "That's the second time this year, he must have a weak constitution."

"Go get a doctor Ishi," Sakura said, addressing a kid in the crowd.

The girl sighed, stomping off to get a doctor, she was going to miss out on the burning.

Sakura let out a soft 'tsk' and stepped over Iruka's prone form.

"Let's begin, shall we?"

The crowd stirred a little. Sakura opened the scroll and began to read,

"Choji Akimichi, you stand accused of treason, passing on the personal information of your peer and the betrayal of those you call comrade, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Choji didn't reply, completely limp as if he was comatose from an overwhelming pain and fear.

"Your punishment is the destruction of all your snacks for the next week."

At this Choji let out a strangled whimper.

"Proceed," Sakura said, gesturing to a group of students.

They moved forward, throwing snacks onto the pyre before lighting it up.

"Love is a fickle thing Akimichi and your enemy will use it as a weapon. Our emotions are our weakness as much as they our are strength. Be careful with who you give it to and why. In future battles giving the precious information of your comrade could lead to their death and many others."

Sakura surveyed the crowd, eyes hard and steely.

"Everyone remember this, because mistakes now will not be so costly as mistakes in our future careers."

Just like that, everyone dispersed, leaving a shuddering Choji on the ground, the only wound the loss of his prized food.

Iruka woke up sometime later, blinking as he tried to recall what had happened. It came back and he sat straight up, looking around. Everything was as it should be, not even a burn mark on the ground. Iruka shuddered, maybe it had all been a bad dream. His thoughts were dashed as Ishi, a little girl in his class, came up along with a medical nin.

"You are injured, Umino-san?" The nin asked.

Iruka turned beet red with embarrassment.

"I, I just, well," Iruka stuttered, unwilling to admit that he had fainted.

"Aww! I missed it!" Ishi said, glaring at Iruka before running off.

He watched her go, still baffled as to what had happened.

"But, a student, they were going to burn them and there was a fire and-" Iruka stopped short as the medic nin gave him a worrying look.

"I mean, I'm fine, I just took a nap."

The medic nin raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Iruka just chuckled, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"If that will be all," the medic nin said waspishly, irritated at having wasted their time.

Iruka smiled weakly at them. They just turned and left. Standing Iruka looked around, completely spooked. He made his way back to the classroom to continue grading, confused and worried.

It gets a tad serious at the end. But the fact that they are training children to be killers from the time they are six or eight is a heavy thought, I despise even the thought of an adult preparing themselves to kill, let alone a child. The rest, I'm afraid to say, is crack, pure unadulterated crack.