Once upon a time there was a married couple living in the woods. They made a living selling illegal drugs imported from foreign countries. Well, it wasn't long before the police caught on to what was going on.

"Well dear, it seems the cops have figured it out," the husband said to his wife.

"No," declared the wife. "We are not going to jail. We will send the drugs with Red to my mother's house across the woods. My mother will suspect nothing. If anything, only she will be arrested."

And so that was the plan. Later that day, the couple's daughter Red, who sported a red hooded cape, was given a basket to take to her grandmother's house.

"As the irresponsible and negligent parent that I am," the wife said to her daughter, "I am sending you with this basket of 'goodies' to grandma's all by yourself. When she isn't looking, I want you to hide this basket somewhere in her house where she can't find it."

"Okay," Little Red Riding Hood said, eager to go on the adventure that was about to unfold.

And so off she went. But it wasn't long before trouble began to unfold…

A big bad wolf had been stalking Little Red Riding Hood. And when she was about halfway to her destination, he decided to talk to her…

"Where are you going, little girl?" he asked Red.

"I'm bringing these goodies to my grandmother," squeaked Red.

The big bad wolf licked his lips and said, "You know, it might be a good idea to pick some flowers for your grandmother. I'm sure she'd really appreciate it."

"Are you a man in a wolf suit?" asked Red.

"What the- NO, I'm not a man in a wolf suit!" the wolf answered, thrown off by the sudden change in subject.

"Are you going to eat me and my grandmother?" Red asked.

"NO!" the wolf lied, growing increasingly annoyed with this child.

"Oh, okay," Red responded, satisfied. At this point the wolf thought he saw a window of opportunity to run to grandma's house, but then…

"Are you sure you're not a man in a wolf suit? Because you look like one. A lot. It looks like you're wearing a Halloween costume. And I was a-"

"ENOUGH!" shouted the big bad wolf, exasperated. "No wonder your parents sent you away, there's no off-switch on you!" Then he ran away.

And so Little Red Riding Hood picked some flowers and then continued on her way. Meanwhile, the wolf took some shortcuts and reached grandma's house first. He knocked on the door…

"Who is it?" asked an old lady voice from the other side.

"It's me, Red!" the wolf said.

"Well you sure don't sound like Red," grandma said, "but I'll take your word for it. Come on in, my little sweet pea buttercup snuggly wuggly woo woo."

Disgusted by this stupid name, the wolf entered, vomited, ate grandma, and put on a nightgown.

Shortly after, Little Red Riding Hood finally arrived at grandma's. She knocked on the door saying, "Grammy grammily geemily gam gam, it's me, Red!"

Again disgusted by stupid names, the wolf vomited, leapt out of bed, flung open the door, and ate Little Red Riding Hood.

It didn't take long for the big bad wolf to find the drugs in the basket. Within weeks he became the biggest drug dealer in the whole forest, putting Little Red Riding Hood's parents out of business. Oh, and they still went to jail.

THE END