When she wakes up it's suddenly and with a sharpness that feels familiar. Her head pounds and she instantly regrets over indulging on the free champagne the night before, but at the time it was all she could do to get through the event.

Sighing loudly into the empty hotel room, Kathryn contemplates getting up. She knows she has important meetings to attend today but right now all she wants to do is burrow into the heavy blankets and hide from the world.

It all still feels like a dream; or a nightmare depending how you looked at it.

Returning everyone home had been an obsession for years aboard Voyager. And now she'd finally accomplished it, it felt underwhelming. She knew she was alone in this way of thinking. Everyone else were overjoyed at being back on earth and reunited with loved truth was her crew was her family and now everyone was scattering. Kathryn new it was irrational but she couldn't help but feel abandoned.

By one person more than others.

She berates herself for even thinking about him. It was selfish and it wasn't all his fault; she'd dangled the prospect of something more for years and never acted upon her feelings.

At the time it felt like the right thing to do. Pursing a relationship as a Captain was out of the question. It went again all of her professional ethics. She knew being a female authority figure would be hard enough and she wouldn't jeopardise her reputation by giving into desires. But now the person in question had moved on she feels bitter and regretful.

Kathryn's left hand lifts to her face and she slowly messages her temples. Now was not the time to dwell on things that couldn't be changed. If she carries on with those kind of thoughts she'd never leave this bed and being the current 'celebrity' she now was, it was out of the question anyway. She'd only been back for just over a week and the new found fame that came with being who she was still seemed more alien to her than any life form in the Delta Quadrat.

Kathryn told herself she'd spend five more minutes avoiding reality, then she would get up and face the day.

Her plan as always was short lived.

About twenty seconds later her heightened senses as a Star Fleet Captain seemed to kick and she smelt something that if she was alone, she shouldn't be smelling.

Coffee, that sweet nectar of life could always be counted on to motivate her to get up, but unless she had magical powers she definatly hadn't made some out of thin air.

She knew been given an extravagantly large hotel suite had been a bad idea. At least if it was just a room she'd of been alerted of an intruder immediately. This suite had it's own separate kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and not to mention the oversized balcony that anyone could climb up.

Briefly she wonders if she'd brought anyone back from the party. The thought made her blush even though she was alone. It would be her luck that after years of celibacy she'd drunkenly have a one night stand that she didn't even remember, hardly the behaviour of a soon to be Admiral. If the press found out she didn't even want to think what her colleagues would have to say.

Throwing off the quilt that covered her body Kathryn glances down at herself. Relief flooded through her when she saw she was still wearing the same black evening gown from the party. It was almost funny how the prospect of an intruder was better than a one night stand.

Slowly so not to alert the attention of whomever was in the next room, Kathryn manoeuvres herself to sit on the side of the bed. Her black stocking clad feet brushing against the carpet as she tries to gain her bearings. The room was spinning she hadn't felt this hungover for a while.

It takes a lot of effort to push herself off the bed and silently walk over to the door less entrance of the kitchen area. She considers how she must look in her slept in, black, shoulderless dress, with no weapon to even threaten the person with. Plus in her current state they could easily overpower her if that's what they wanted to.

As she reached her destination she did for a second wonder why a stranger would be making coffee. If she hadn't been so hungover then maybe this kind of logical thinking would of kicked in sooner. But she was to late as Kathryn recognized immediately who was there even with his back turned to her.

"Chakotay?" She blurts out suddenly feeling more coherent than she did a few seconds his credit the former commander didn't seem startled by her sudden arrival. Or if did he certainly doesn't make it known to her. "Good morning, Captain," he sounded much to formal for the situation, "How's the head?" At least that part was spoken with some levity.

The use of her title rather than name wasn't a good sign. Neither of them liked it, especially when they were alone.
"I'm fine," the lie flew from her lips instinctively. How many times had she said those words over the years? It was her safety net in order to pretend.
From the soft chuckle that came from him it was clear Chakotay knew this by now as well. "Of course you are." He replies sarcastically and turned around to face her finally.

Kathryn blinked a few times just to make sure this was real. "Why are you here?" She asks with no prelude.
"Right I forgot how inebriated you were last night." He doesn't mean to sound cruel, Kathryn see's this the way he bows his head immediately after speaking. She doesn't mind him being angry though. "I'm sorry," he says before she can speak and motions to the steaming cup on the table in between them.

"I assume you still take your coffee very strong and with no sugar or milk." He smiles at her and seeing those two dimples appear on his face breaks her.
Kathryn feels tears form in her eyes and she does everything she can to break down and cry in front of him. She'd not seen this Chakotay in years. During the last leg f their journey home they barely spoke unless it was formal. Gone were the intimate dinners in her ready room and banter on the bridge.

Everything had gotten so corrosive between them.

She must of let her mask slip because the next thing she feels is a warm hand on her bare shoulder. It snaps her attention straight back into reality.
"I'm fine." She repeats for the second time that morning. Chakotay's hand gives her shoulder a quick squeeze before dropping down again.
" I know how much you hate it when it's cold. " He nods and silently steps aside for her to go and sit at the table.

As she moves her long dress drags on the floor. without her heels it's much to long for her short frame so the chance to sit down makes her feel less self conscious. She's surprised when Chakotay joins her at the table with his own drink. She can't help but stare as he sits opposite her, blowing on the hot and what she guesses is much weaker coffee than the one in her cup.

A few minutes go by and neither of them speak but it's not an uncomfortable silence. It feels domestic and natural. If someone was to walk in and had no idea who they were she was sure they'd assume they were a couple enjoying their morning together.

She smiles and shakes her head at the silly thought. Maybe one that's what they could of been. But everything was such a mess now.
"What's so funny?" He asks from across the table, his cup half way to his lips.

"Well, this," she answers honestly, "I mean if someone told me a few months ago I'd be waking up hungover with you making me coffee, let alone speaking to me, I'd of told them they were mad."

"Oh," Chakotay murmurs looking genuinely perplexed and that confuses her immensely. "So you're still throwing yourself a pity party I see?" It's not really a question, more like an accusation.

"That's rich accusing me of feeling sorry for myself when that's all you ever did since New Earth." The words seep out like venom. It was below the belt and beyond cruel. "At least I had emotions." His retort is just as cruel, albeit unexpected.

Perhaps she wasn't the only one who had changed.

For once she was speechless. Kathryn knew he was right and she was more to blame for their current situation than her was. Focusing her attention on the mug in front her, Kathryn's nail scratched against the porcelain. It's hot against her fingers but she keeps touching it just to feel the twinge of pain is causes.

"I don't want to argue, Kathryn." She hears his voice but doesn't react in any way. Even hearing him use her actual name doesn't make her look up.
"Look I stayed on the couch last night because I didn't want to leave you alone, you were drunk and emotional an-

"I though I didn't have emotions." She cuts across unable to help herself.

"Dammit, Kathryn I'm just trying to explain." This time the use of her name irked her to the very core.

"You don't need to explain anything!" She shouts before taking a deep breath and pushing herself up to stand. "And perhaps you get away with speaking like that with Seven, after all she is half your age, but don't mistake me for some young girl you can talk down to."

The expression on his face is priceless and she wants to laugh at the devastation her broken heart has caused. Since arriving back on earth it keeps exposing itself and now that she's not on Voyager she has no real motivation to hide it.

For a second she thinks he might explode angrily, but she should of known better. Chakotay isn't programmed that way, she's the irrational one who says things she doesn't mean only to have him always forgive her.

She'd been so caught up in her thought's she'd failed to see him get up and move around to stand next to her chair. So when he speaks she's startled slightly.
"I don't know what you want from me now." Now filled with more sadness Kathryn smiles crookedly before turning her eyes to his, "I just wanted you to wait."

"I couldn't wait forever, I realised that a long time ago." He admits while reaching out to push back a strand of auburn hair that had fallen in front of her eyes. "You set up parameters around your heart for so long, if we hadn't made it back home, I doubt we'd ever have this conversation."

Tears fall freely now and she knows if this carries on she won't be able to let him go again. "Are you happy?" Her voice catches in her throat.
He doesn't answer straight away and she's hopeful for a moment. "I'm content, I have someone who I can build something real with in time."

And just like that her selfish hopes are dashed away. She wants to argue and tell him she doesn't believe him, but she knows it's pointless.

They were like two ships that crossed to late in the night.

"If you're so content why are you here?" Kathryn can't help herself, "What does Seven think about you being here? Does she even know?"
"Actually everyone," he answers without missing a beat. "Well, B'Elanna, Tom and Seven know and I informed them I'd stay with you until you'd sobered up."
Her cheeks flush crimson at the thought of what kind if state she'd been in. It was mortifying that a woman of her age needed to be escorted to her room for being drunk. She only hoped that the rest of the party had been oblivious to her state.

"Don't worry we kept it under wraps," Chakotay continues as if he could read her mind.

"Thank you," she mutters quietly, "I'm sorry but I don't really remember last night, I wasn't expecting you to be here." Her voice had turned unbearable soft and her eyes were wet but she'd stopped crying at least.

Chakotay tries to smile but it comes across like a conflicted, broken hearted frown. "It doesn't matter everyone knows the pressure you've been under, and as for me being here, I told you long ago I'd always be there for you."

Kathryn raises her hand to his chest. She doesn't know why but she needs to feel his heart beating. Chakotay doesn't say anything and lets her indulge. Each time she feels his heart against her hand she can feel the weight of seven years of longing behind it.

She traces her fingers over the fabric of his white shirt. He's also still wearing the same clothes, minus the suit jacket and tie.

"I don't want you to be content." She whispers and leans in to rest her head next to her hand on his chest. Without shoes she was considerably shorter than he was, it made her feel safe somehow.

Kathryn wonders if he's angry at her selfish confession. Maybe he will push her away and tell her to get over it. Half of her expects just that, but it never happens.

Instead she feels his arms circle around her waist, they don't pull her closer, but they rest over her back giving her comfort. "I don't think we ever hugged." He says simply. "Not properly anyway." She smiles into his chest and her eyes flutter shut. Kathryn wishes this moment would never end. That she could stay here in his arms, surrounded by his musky scent forever.

As always though her bliss was short lived when the sound of a beeping commbadge broke through her both broke away from each other abruptly, the sound was coming from the jacket he'd left on the couch. Smiling apologetically, Chakotay leaves the room to answer it.

Kathryn stood in the kitchen alone, she knew that whatever was left to say between them would be unspoken forever now. She couldn't hear properly but she knew it was Seven he was speaking to and it broke her again. But she knew she couldn't keep being so selfish and decided than and there that she would not pressure Chakotay into anything.

This was all her fault and she had ti live with it. Seven was also one of her closest friends and she wasn't going to ruin the girl's chance of happiness along with Chakotay's.

"Sorry about that," he says coming back into the room while putting on his jacket. "Don't be silly I'm sure Seven is missing your company, thank you again for taking care of me." Slipping into her Captain Janeway persona was just to easy, "Anyway I do have a few meetings to attend today so you can let yourself out."

She tries to walk past him but is stopped when he grabs onto her upper arm and pulls her back. For a moment he just stares at her, a quizzical look on his face. He knew what she was doing and she hoped he would take the hint and let them both mourn what could of been and move on.

"Can we meet tonight?" He asks quickly, "please, Kathryn."

"What's the point?" Truthfully she wants nothing more than to be in his company but they just keep going back and forth with no end. It wasn't fair on either of them.

" I don't want to be justcontent either." Chakotay says and she wonders if he's just as miserable are her. His words make her knees wobble, she knows whatever choice she makes it will be the wrong one.

" I won't be the other woman," she says firmly, but doesn't know if her resolve would be that strong either. A taste of what could of been might be better than nothing at all.

The way Chakotay grimaces at her words tells her all she needs to know though. "If you think I'm that sort of man then perhaps we really don't know each other anymore," he sounds disappointed and his grip loosens slightly on her arm. Kathryn takes this as an opportunity to slip free and put some distance between them.

"I know exactly what kind of man you are," her voice catches in her throat as she moved towards the door of her room. "And I don't deserve any part of you," she gestures towards the door, smiling sadly as she decides once again to obstruct any happiness she could garner from him. "Go back to her, Chakotay, forget about me," the softness in her voice surprises him, she can tell.

He sighs deeply and looks up to the ceiling. Kathryn wishes this torture would just end. The constant what if's that hung between them was just to much to take now. They were older and she was tired; she just wanted peace.

Chakotay moves to the door and she ducks her head to avoid looking directly into his eyes. He allows her this once to hide but he wasn't done, "If I talk to Seven first, will you meet with me?" He asks and she still refuses to look up. Instead she just shuts her eyes. Guilt swept over her for a second and she pictured Seven's face, but her own sadness out weighed it.

She nods quickly before she lost the nerve but doesn't look at him. Chakotay leaned down and brushed the hair from her face, then placed a soft kiss on her cheek, "I love you, Kathryn," he whispers before finally opening the door and leaving.

Once she was alone again Kathryn collapses onto the carpeted floor in a heap. Her heart exploded with emotion from those four words.

It was going to be a long day; but she was more optimistic about the future than she had been for a while.