The main reason I wrote this is because I still fail to cope with the death of someone close to me. Thank you for all your kind words, really means a lot. And again I'm so sorry.

I won't do it again.

When I opened my eyes again, it was already bright outside. I felt Paige lying next to me and immediately turned around to wake her. It was a Sunday, I would prepare breakfast for us. Maybe we could stop by the lake later. Maybe we could call Sydney.

Paige looked content, but something was different than usual. Usually she would hide her face as soon as the room turned bright. Sometimes she even put on her sleeping mask so no annoying ray of sunlight could interrupt her much valued sleep.

"Paige?" I whispered. "Paige, wake up."

My heart stopped.

No.

"Paige!" I yelled, grabbing my wife's hand. But it was cold. It was too fucking cold.

"No. No no no no no please, no."

The last no was barely audible.

What now? What to do? Who to call? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, goddammit, fuck!

I frantically searched for my phone, my hands shaking. Have to call Gabby. Should call 911. Have to call someone. Anyone.

When I finally found it, I nervously pressed the home button and saw a message on my screen. A message from Paige.

I opened it as fast as I could, my whole body shaking, the tears making it hard to read.

'Baby, please don't cry. Don't call anyone. Not yet. We both knew that it had to happen. And I wanted it that way. I wanted to be with you. Please watch the video. I love you more than anything.'

It was so surreal. Sobs shaking through me like hiccups. Yet I somehow managed to open the video that had been sent to me, the view of Paige smiling almost killing me. It felt like a knife in my chest but I forced myself to listen as Paige spoke into the camera.

"Hey." Paige smiled, insecure. "You are watching the video. That means it all worked out and we're finally free. I don't even know how to begin to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am. So sorry for what you have to face now. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like, being in your position.

Emily, you always told me that you thought I was brave but what does being brave even mean? It's not the absence of fear, it's facing your fears, right? It means being scared but still trying to go on and to live your life to the fullest. And yeah, that's what we did. It's what we did together, Em. You were the one who helped me face those fears. You're the reason why I didn't give up, why the worst year of my life also became the best year of my life.

And you know what? I'm finally not scared anymore. I was scared of so many things. I was scared of the pain.
Scared of being alone.

Of dying alone.

And what I was scared of the most was what it would all do to you. I was scared of leaving you behind, causing you pain, disappointing you.

But I needed you in my life, babe. I needed you and you were there for me, every step of the way. And I know now I'm gone and can't be there for you anymore the way that I want to be. But I'm also not scared anymore that you won't make it. Because I know you will. Because you're the strongest person I know. The bravest and most beautiful and kind-hearted person I ever met. And you will get through this, honey.

And I'll always be with you.

I promise you.

I'll be more than just a little tattoo on your pinky or a ring on your finger. I'll be more than just a picture on your wall. I'll be everywhere around you.

And there might be a point in time when you don't need me anymore. A point in time when you let somebody else love you, that lucky bitch!

There's gonna be a point in time when you have kids and we both know you'll be a great mom.

A point in time when you'll be truly happy.

But no matter when that time comes, babe, no matter how often you feel lost along the way, I want you to remember that I loved you more than anything. If you can, let that be your strength.

Hold on to the thought that I'm somewhere out there, I don't know where, and I'll watch over you.

And if you need to cry or vent or talk, then talk to me and I will listen. I promise you, I will listen, okay?"

Paige took a tissue, stopping the tear in the corner of her eye from falling.

"You see?", she smiled. "I swore to myself that I wouldn't cry on this. To make it a little easier. But I guess I failed. Anyways Emily. Please. Don't be mad at me. But tonight, when we let go of that floating lantern. You know what I wrote on the paper? I wrote 'please, let me die happily tonight'. And now that you're watching this, it's exactly what happened.

Gabby said it was a matter of days before things would have gotten even worse. I didn't want to leave this world connected to all those machines, not able to speak and tell you how much I love you. How much I'll miss you.

But now I get to do all that. And I get to fall asleep next to the most important person in my life. The woman who made me truly happy.

Please, be brave Emily. Do it for us. I know you can. I've always believed in you.

And please tell Sydney and Gabby and my family that I love them. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

Take good care of Tiger and our bucket book. Maybe you can finish the last point without me one day. Maybe you'll think of me when you visit Machu Picchu.

I love you, Emily. Never forget. I'll always be with you."

Paige smiled and blew a soft little kiss into the camera before the video finally stopped.

I dropped the phone. I looked left. Looked right. My face was wet and my head spinning.

Not knowing what to do I put on my bathrobe again, stepping outside the apartment, not wearing any shoes.

Mrs Davis was cleaning the hallway when our eyes met. I could see the old lady didn't need to ask what had happened. Her usually strong and cold features immediately turned soft and she dropped her broom.

"C'mere, girl. Oh no... oh, come here, sweetheart."

Then she hugged me.

"It doesn't feel like it right now, but it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. I promise. Ssshhh..."

Looking back, I had never expected my old grumpy neighbor, of all people, to be the one comforting me in that moment. I had pictured this a million times. Where it would happen. How and when. What I would do. What I would say.

I had never pictured it like this.

I had known it was going to happen and I understood it was the way Paige had wanted it. Her last day on earth had been a happy one. Her last night next to the woman she loved. But it didn't matter how much time I had to prepare for this, it made no difference. No one could have prepared me for the pain I felt in this moment. For the terrible emptiness that suddenly filled my heart.

It was a feeling, so powerful, it could break you within seconds.

But I would get through this. I had promised her.

I'd get through this for her.

For us.

Paige McCullers died on the 5th of July, 2017.

Her ashes were spread on Machu Picchu.

- Check.