Slowly, Then All At Once

summary: Barry didn't say goodbye, not to any of them. The word was too heavy but yet not enough. He was running out of time and didn't have enough words to truly make them understand what he needed them to know. But hopefully they would find in the sorrow as he left them the type of joy they'd each given him. [tag to the end of 3x23]

genre: Hurt/Comfort, Family

authors note: title inspiration and lyrics are from "Sorrow" by Sleeping at Last

Where there is light,

A shadow appears.

The cause and effect

When life interferes.

The same rule applies

To goodness and grief;

For in our great sorrow

We learn what joy means.

The Speed Force was unbalanced, releasing its energy in angry bolts of yellow, red and blue onto their Earth. Barry was taken aback at how violent it all appeared, wondering if this is what it seemed like the night he was struck by lightning. That moment wasn't clear to him, remembering only a brief moment of pain as a brilliant flash of lightning came through the skylight of the lab, striking him, sending electricity surging throughout his body and instantly connecting him to the energy around him. He vaguely remembered it being almost peaceful in the static charge. Not like this. This was chaos, this was the source of his power lashing out in demand.

And in that instant Barry knew what it was demanding.

He needed to stabilize it, needed to save his friends, his family and the city he swore to protect. His actions had caused this, caused everything that happened this year, put everyone at risk and set them on a dark path that almost destroyed them from the inside out. He'd tried to sacrifice himself once before in his quest for personal retribution, wanting to give in to the Dominators' demand in order to save the planet. But he had allowed his friends to talk him down from that ledge. He could not let them now. This was his penance, his self-punishment in repentance. The Flash had remained a hero, but Barry Allen sought redemption.

Iris pled, looking to Cisco for a solution that he couldn't provide, trying to reason with Barry that Central City needed the Flash. This Barry knew was true, but it would not be him.

"And they'll have one," he responded as he looked over to Wally. "They'll have one, right?"

He pulled the young man into a hug. It wasn't a question. It was a reassurance. He believed in Wally, trusted him to carry on the mantle of the Flash. He'd come so far since getting his powers, his time in the Speed Force prison humbling him. Wally was talented, eager and driven to be a hero. They had had a rough start in the beginning, Wally jealous of the man that grew up with the family that should have been his, and Barry unsure of how to connect and accept this new member of a family that for a long time had been the only constant in his life. Iris and Joe meant everything to him. But suddenly this new West had entered the picture, leaving Barry feeling suddenly out of place and Wally afraid he wouldn't find his. With time that faded, with effort they were able to move forward, and with help they were able to connect, and Wally and Barry were able to feel a sense of brotherhood. Their shared powers helped foster that. Barry hadn't hesitated to give up his speed for Wally's life and once Wally was granted his own speed he knew he would fight everyday to prove to Barry that he could follow in his lead. Side by side, despite trials and competition, the Flash and Kid Flash became a team and Wally and Barry became family.

But when Barry pulled away, a hand clasped on Wally's shoulder and looking into the unsure eyes of his younger brother, all he said was "Right?" to which Wally nodded "Yeah." And like that, with the fewest of words, Barry had passed the torch and proved to Wally his faith in him.

He turned to Julian next and held out his hand. A handshake was all that was exchanged. A sign of respect, the message between them that their past issues were just that, the past, and they were parting as colleagues and friends.

When Harry reached out a hand to Barry, the younger man asked, "you mind sticking around?" The question in his eyes was desperate, pleading with Harry to keep them safe for him while he was gone. This Wells had faltered a few times since their meeting, but a friendship and mutual respect had been formed regardless and Barry trusted Harry to watch over the people he loved most.

"Anything for you," was the response he received and Barry felt the relief wash over him.

"Barry, Wally and Jay said they were in hell," Iris tried to garner his attention. Her previous attempt at convincing him not to go by using his sense of responsibility against him, by telling him the Flash was needed, had failed. She now attempted to reason with him using self-preservation, grasping at any string she could pull to convince him not to go. But Barry wasn't scared of hell.

He'd lived his before. He'd watched his mother be circled in red and yellow lightning, screaming for help, helpless to save her. He watched his father being handcuffed and dragged out of their home after the wreckage of his mother's murder. Fifteen years later he watched his father murdered in front of him in the same spot his mother's life had been taken. And for the past six months Barry was tormented with the countdown clock of the death of the person who meant the most to him. For six months, every time he closed his eyes, Barry experienced the death of Iris over and over. And then he'd watched Savitar plunge a blade through her chest, not fast enough to stop him, forcing him to hold what he thought was a dying Iris in his arms. He'd never felt pain like that before and suspected nothing could ever compare; no hell, no prison would ever be able to compete.

Before he could respond to her a cloud of energy opened up and the visage of his mother emerged. He knew it was the Speed Force manifesting but he couldn't help the knot in his chest at the sight of his mother. It wasn't the first time he'd seen it take shape as Nora Allen but despite that, after living without her for seventeen years, the swell of emotion was hard to swallow down. Over the pounding of his heart he vaguely heard her say that he wasn't going to hell, that he'd reached his finish line. After the marathon he'd run the last three years, Barry would be lying if he said the idea of rest didn't provide a sense of bittersweet relief.

"You can't take him with you," Iris countered.

"She's not taking me anywhere," Barry turned to her. "I have to go."

Iris couldn't understand why he was being punished. Barry knew that she, just like the rest of the people gathered with him outside, had felt he'd suffered enough. Barry had lost so much, had made a mistake in a moment of heartache and agony that rippled into a year of confusion and fear. But together they had made it through. They had defeated what had threatened to destroy them, fought a foe that represented everything Barry hated about himself, and believed that Barry had learned the lesson he needed to. Barry, however, disagreed and he knew the Speed Force did as well. He had abused his power and now he needed to learn all he could from the source of it. He didn't want to leave, but he knew he couldn't stay.

"My beautiful boy," his ethereal mother said as more lightning shot through the atmosphere, "it's time to rest."

Barry nodded, knowing his time was running out. There was still so much left to say and no time to to say it all. But he knew he had to get through this without leaving any of them behind feeling as if they needed closure. When he left Flashpoint he had finally gotten the chance to say goodbye to his parents, was finally able to grant himself the permission to be at peace with their loss. Barry knew that he had to try to leave them all the chance to feel that as well when he left them now.

He turned to Cisco, the first person since Iris came into his life so many years ago that he felt accepted Barry Allen for everything that he was. Cisco and Barry had become instant best friends, forming a friendship and a brotherly love that neither had ever had growing up. They understood each other on a level that neither Iris ever could with Barry or Dante with Cisco. Shared interests, kindred nerds, and lighthearted humor were the pillars of their friendship as trust and love was formed. It had been tested to its limits this past year, resentment and lies threatening to shatter the camaraderie forged over three years of unbelievable experiences. But they endured, they healed, and came together even stronger.

Barry wanted to thank him for his friendship and instill confidence in him that Vibe was as good a hero as Flash if he just believed in himself the way he believed in Barry. There was so much that he wanted to say to Cisco, to all of them. But he had to settle for simple goodbyes, hoping his unsaid messages were clear through the words he could express.

"Don't mess it up with her." You deserve to be happy. Let yourself be happy.

"They're all gonna look to you now." You are a hero, both in and out of costume.

"You've always been my hero." In some of my darkest moments, my biggest feats in the uniform you made for me, you have been there. You are my brother and you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

When Barry was sure that Cisco had received his message, he pulled away from the hug to turn to Joe, who he had avoided looking at this whole time. If anyone could convince Barry the could find another way out of this it would be him. The man was his father, more to him than Henry Allen ever had the chance to be. Part of Barry always longed for Henry, felt guilty for loving Joe in the same way, but knew in his heart that Joe was the dad he had needed. To see the look in Joe's eyes at this moment crushed Barry. He never wanted to cause Joe pain.

"All this time we're trying to save Iris, you're telling me that we should have been trying to save you too?" Joe said as Barry approached him, his voice cracking under the weight of the goodbye he knew he'd have to say.

Never once in his life did Barry ever question how much Joe cared for him. It hadn't taken long for the two of them to fall into the relationship of father and son when Barry came to live with the West's. Even through the adjustment in the beginning with a power struggle, shouting matches, and learning to navigate their dynamic, despite not being blood they had transitioned quickly into something much deeper than either could have anticipated. For Barry, Joe was the person he depended on, trusted most to guide him through life, catch him when he fell and lift him when he needed strength. For Joe, it was never loving Barry like he was his own kid; for Joe, Barry was his kid. In the complexity of their story, it really was as simple as that.

"You did save me Joe," Barry reached out, bracing steady hands on Joe's shoulders as he tried to make Joe understand his words. "You took an eleven year old boy with a broken heart and you gave him a home and so much love."

He didn't know where he'd be if it hadn't been for the love and support Joe had given him throughout his life. He'd seen what happened when that was missing. He'd seen the ramifications of having a father absent due to being imprisoned in Leonard Snart. He'd seen how watching your parent murdered in front of you and being without a family could create a dark heart like it did in Hunter Zoloman. And he'd seen what happened when being abandoned and broken could do to his own soul when he looked at the distorted mirror image of himself in Savitar.

But he was spared that. On his darkest day, Joe had been there with a steady hand on his shoulder. Every day since, Joe had been there. For every nightmare, every major life event and every moment in between, Joe was by his side. Sometimes it was cheering him on, sometimes it was a reprimand to keep him in line, sometimes it was silent support, and sometimes it was the steadying hand he needed to keep him grounded. Joe had saved him, that night and every day after.

"No son ever felt more love from a father." Thank you, Dad.

"No father ever felt more proud of a son." I love you, my boy.

He hugged Joe tight, part of him wanting Joe to ask him to stay because he didn't want to leave but praying Joe wouldn't because he needed to go. And because Joe always knew what his son needed, Joe didn't ask him to stay or tell him to go. This was Barry's decision, and Joe knew to just hold him for as long as he needed.

Barry didn't want to let go of his father but the voice of the Speed Force telling him it was time, the voice of his mother, was the only thing that could pull him away from the embrace. Still, he couldn't leave just yet. Barry knew he should go, could hear the violent spikes of electricity and sound of the city in distress behind them but he could not leave without holding Iris one last time.

As he turned to her she moved forward to him, tears in her eyes as she cried that this was unfair and how she'd wanted their happy ending of becoming Iris West-Allen.

Barry moved his hands to hold her face between them, relishing in the warmth of her face, the feel of her skin against his, staring into the dark eyes he loved and pained to see such sadness and heartbreak in them. He knew he was the cause of it and it agonized him to leave her. But if it meant she was safe, if it meant she would be able to keep on living her life then Barry wouldn't hesitate to surrender his.

Iris West was everything to him since the day they met. Deeper than anything he'd ever felt in his life was his love for Iris. For years he'd kept the hope and dreams he had of being with her locked away out of fear that she didn't want the same thing. She meant more to him than being with her. He could have lived with them just being friends, even though his love was much deeper, because having Iris in his life was what had really mattered. But then she opened her heart to him in that way and it was as if everything suddenly clicked into place. Being in love with Iris completed Barry in a way he'd only imagined and he knew she felt it too. In the beginning of their relationship Barry had felt like he needed to give a thousand reasons to her to stay in this with him, to prove to her that he was worthy of her love. But she'd put an end to that with a smile and hand on his face, assuring him that she loved all of him and forever would. And just like that Barry was confident that being together had been worth the wait and every moment spent hoping for it to be true. Barry never had any other choice but to love her, but Iris had chosen him.

To leave her now was devastating. He wanted to pick her up in his arms and run away with her, just the two of them living their happy ending. But he knew it wasn't the answer. So he smiled through his tears instead, tried to comfort her through her grief at their goodbye, and made her promise to him that she would keep moving forward without him for him.

"I promise," she breathed, looking up at him as her hand gripped the wrist on the side of her face tightly. He knew she wanted to ask him to stay, that if she asked he would. But she didn't, and not for the first time Barry was grateful for her strength, hoping to siphon some for himself so he could be strong enough to do what he didn't want to do, to walk away from the life with her he'd always dreamed.

He leaned forward to kiss her, lips gentle as they touched to drink her in one last time. But Iris raised her hands to his neck and pulled him against her, the kiss crushing and desperate as if she could keep him pressed against her forever instead. If he was being honest, Barry wished it could.

But he broke the kiss and pulled away only far enough to press his forehead against hers. Barry kept his eyes closed, could hear Iris crying but couldn't bear to look at her just yet. He focused on the feel of her face between his hands, her forehead against his, her warm hands on his neck contrasting with the smallest sensation of cold where the metal of the engagement ring pressed against his jaw.

He wanted to cry because he was leaving her but instead he smiled because he loved her. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. In the past year he had said those three words more times than he or she could count. He had waited years to tell Iris West that he loved her and have her know just how deeply he meant it, to feel that love returned. But more than that, Barry knew what it was to lose, so he loved harder than most. She was his light in the dark and never wanted her to be without knowing just how much she meant to him. So he said 'I love you' every chance he could, never just to say it but always because he truly and purely meant it every time.

But he couldn't say it now because he wouldn't be able to get through it.

"I gotta go," Barry said instead as he pulled away from their embrace, knowing if he stayed in it a moment longer he wouldn't be able to gather the strength to leave. Iris cried as she clung to his hand, reluctant to let it go as he started to walk away.

Barry walked backwards at first as he left, extending the holding of their hands for as long as he could before she was completely out of reach. He turned his back on the group as he moved towards the Speed Force portal, praying it didn't feel to them like he was turning his back on them and running away. His hand reached out to hold his mothers. In his mind he knew this wasn't Nora Allen, but holding his mother's hand again eased some of the pain in his heart.

He knew he shouldn't, knew it would make it harder for all of them, but Barry couldn't help but glance over his shoulder to see them all one last time.

As he looked at the faces of the people he loved, the family he found, Barry felt the strangest mix of joy and sorrow. He wasn't sure when, or if, he'd ever return. He knew time was different in the Speed Force but he hoped that one day soon he'd be able to come back to them, to come back home. He knew he was leaving them behind with broken hearts, but this was to save them. This was his redemption. He prayed he'd come back to them more whole than when he left, transformed and reborn into the hero he wanted to be for them. After everything, he owed them that. He owed it to himself.

He fought back the tears and gave them a small smile before turning back towards the swirling cloud of energy. And suddenly clarity washed over him. He'd always thought of the Speed Force as the source of his power but that wasn't the truth. Yes, it was the source of his speed, the gift that made him the something more he'd always wanted to be. But the people behind him, the friends, the family, and the love of his life, they were his strength, his light. They were what made him who he was. The lightning had given him the potential, but the transformation came from them. They were the true source of his power. As he stepped into the Speed Force, slowly, then all at once he felt the strength to move forward into the unknown knowing he was leaving behind the best part of him to take care of the world and each other, just like they'd each taken care of him.

Slowly, then all at once.

The dark clouds depart,

And the damage is done.

So pardon the dust

While this all settles in.

With a broken heart,

Transformation begins