AN: Well, I did it for Fairy Tail… might as well do it for BNHA! Rules fic~ I wasn't going to post this at all, honestly – this is a joke thing I did for myself a while ago, but with all the angst I've been posting lately… might as well do something funny. I don't know if I can pull off a chatfic, so here's this instead. Anyhow, lemme know if you want me to continue this or whatever. Kitty out.

Title: The Yuuei Dorm Laws

Summary: The Heroics Department has moved into the Yuuei dorm rooms, and Principal Nedzu realizes that some rules should probably be put in place – for the teachers, the students, and anyone else who happens to get involved.

Warnings: General nonsense, reason being abandoned for the sake of humor, and Kacchan's potty mouth

Pairings: Everyone/everyone else (it's a list fic and I'm writing it – what the hell were you expecting?)

Aizawa Shouta – As a teacher, you should endeavor to act as a role model for your students. Showing up to class with a sleeping bag and a hangover, saying "today we're learning about spontaneous silence – anyone who talks in the next four hours fails," and falling asleep is not acting as a role model.

All For One – Stop persuading your guards to commit tiny acts of vandalism on school grounds. The government isn't going to let you go just because "the police force is corrupt".

Amajiki Tamaki – Asui is not going to eat you. Frogs do not eat people (or octopi or even clams, to the best of my knowledge). Please come out of the basement.

Aoyama Yuuga – Stop throwing glitter at people.

Ashido Mina – I don't care what Kaminari said. Do not cover his bed sheets – or anyone else's – in acid ever again.

Asui Tsuyu – If you see a student with compact eyes and antennae, you are not to beginning following them and whispering "frog food" at random intervals. Please apologize to the seven students that have locked themselves in the basement and convince them to come out.

Awase Yousetsu – "Killing two birds with one stone" is a figure of speech, not a challenge. Stop throwing rocks at Tokoyami.

Awata Kaoruko – Enough with the "fucking bubbles" meme. We get it.

Bakugou Katsuki – "Fuck the police" is not an excuse for setting off firecrackers in Iida's room, even if you do think he was policing you. This applies even if he is dressed as a police officer.

Bakugou Mitsuki – If your son asks you for a rather specific outfit, get context. If the words "dare", "evidence", or "Monoma Neito" are part of that context, please do not give your son that outfit. This applies even if "Monoma" is replaced with "that copy-cat bastard" or a similar insult.

Bakugou Masaru – You cannot adopt your son's friend group, no matter how happy you are that said group exists.

Bondo Kojirou – Cementoss is not trying to usurp you. That doesn't even make sense.

Bubaigawara Jin – Stop asking the students to help you become Deadpool. You are not, and should not ever be, Deadpool.

Chatora Yawara – You may not "forget" to apprehend a villain because the person she is attacking misgendered her. Arrest the villain and then scold the civilians.

Dabi – Todoroki does not need your help to be a deviant. He is doing just fine on his own. You are not "Super Fire Bros".

Desutegoro – Stop trying to schedule all your meetings on "February 51st".

Ectoplasm – Detentions cannot be assigned for an indefinite period of time, no matter how insulted you feel. Honenuki will not be in detention for "the rest of his goddamn life", and he was probably not trying to offend you anyway.

Eri – You were in a bad situation, and a negative reaction is understandable. That said, please stop threatening to castrate people with your horn. How do you even know that word; you're like five.

Fat Gum – The fact that Satou and Yaoyorozu also have food-related Quirks does not mean you need to mentor them. Two students are enough.

Fourth Kind – "Having a katana" and "having the right to threaten people with a katana" are not synonymous.

Fukidashi Manga – Your Quirk does not give you the ability to "see beyond the fourth wall". Stop trying to convince people that we are all trapped within a shounen series. That is ridiculous.

Gran Torino – "Kick 'em in the dick", while an effective battle strategy, is not appropriate advice to give to children.

Gunhead – Stop trying to set Uraraka up with Midoriya. You're probably right, but they have bigger things to worry about.

Hadou Nejire – Stop asking villains questions. You're supposed to be arresting them, not sharing good places to get shoes.

Hagakure Tooru – Bakugou's inability to hear what you're saying is not going to stop him from punching you for talking about him behind his back. He'll find out, you'll get punched, and no one will feel sorry for you. If you absolutely must insult him, either learn sign language or get a translator and do it to his face.

Hakamata Tsunagu – Not everyone is comfortable in denim. Deal with it.

Hatsume Mei – "It seemed like a good idea at the time" is not only a terrible excuse in general, but also a completely invalid one that does not explain the giant robotic velociraptor currently patrolling the school grounds.

Hikiishi Kenji – Killing people for misgendering you is illegal. Please find other ways to express your displeasure.

Honenuki Juuzou – Do not challenge Ectoplasm to a "who can scare the most children with only their face" contest. I don't care that you think it's a compliment; you're hurting his feelings.

Iguchi Shuuichi – Hoshigaki Kisame has not challenged you to a sword fight. Hoshigaki Kisame is not a real person; he is a fictional character, and you know this.

Iida Tensei – Your little brother has a lot of respect for you. Stop abusing that respect by suggesting he do ridiculous things. He will.

Iida Tenya – Please do not dress up as a police officer when inspecting your classmates' rooms. You are only asking for trouble. I don't care what your brother said.

Inui Ryou – Do not tell students to mark their territory. The janitor would like you to know that anything that gets urinated on is your responsibility.

Ishiyama Ken – If Bondo declares you his "eternal rival", you are to ignore him, not encourage his behavior. Insanity does not "build character".

Jirou Kyouka – Do not start playing the One Punch Man theme song whenever Midoriya is about to punch something. This holds true for All Might too, as well as anyone else who tends to punch things in an over-dramatic manner.

Kaibara Sen – Having a name similar to that of a fictional character does not make you that fictional character. Stop challenging people to Duel Monsters.

Kamakiri Togaru – Collecting insects is a perfectly reasonable hobby. Using them to terrifying other students is not. Please apologize to Kouda so we can take the anteater back to the zoo and you can come down from the tree.

Kamihara Shinya – Bakugou does not need to be followed 24/7. Surely the No. 5 hero has better things to do.

Kaminari Denki – This school does not need an electric fence. You are not permitted to skip class in order to act as one.

Kan Sekijirou – Please stop encouraging your students to try and one-up Eraserhead's class. This will not end well.

Kayama Nemuri – Do not put smoke bombs in the teachers' lounge ever again. I can and will start making you wear normal clothing if this behavior continues.

Kendou Itsuka – You are not Lady Flyswatter, Queen of the Bitch-Smack. So stop bitch-smacking your classmates.

Kirishima Eijirou – If someone asks you to pass the salt, they are asking you to hand them the white crystalline substance used for seasoning. They are not asking you to pick up and throw Bakugou at them. Please desist.

Kodai Yui – Stop trying to scare Bakugou and Todoroki. I cannot promise you will continue to emerge unscathed.

Komori Kinoko – You are not required to provide "magic mushrooms" to anyone who asks or doesn't ask. In fact, you are actively discouraged from doing so.

Kouda Kouji – You are not allowed to "do favors" for animals in the zoo. I don't care how badly that polar bear claims to need a cup of coffee, he can't have one.

Kurogiri – While I am personally unsure of the League of Villains' hierarchy, you seem to be the most mature. If there is anything to do to stop your cohorts from playing mildly annoying but otherwise harmless pranks, please do it.

Kuroiro Shihai – "It's because I'm black, isn't it" jokes are not appropriate coming from a fully Japanese person; even if you are technically black in color, you do not have African heritage. Stop before you offend someone.

Lock Rock – Tsunotori and Rin do not need you to adopt them, regardless of whatever Fat Gum told you. That said, if you have any pointers on avoiding xenophobia, I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear them.

Maijima Higari – Tell Hatsume to get rid of that raptor. Or at least make her do something useful with it.

Midoriya Inko – No, you cannot adopt your son's class. Yes, this applies even if they have all called you "Mom" at some point. You also cannot adopt the teachers or the villains. I don't know why I have to tell you this, but apparently it needs telling.

Midoriya Izuku – The fact that anyone with a sex drive seems to be attracted to you does not mean that you had a secret Quirk all along. Said Quirk is not "The Love Bug", and you will stop insisting otherwise.

Mineta Minoru – "Stuff a sock in it" is a figure of speech. You are not expected to eat socks, nor are you expected to carry around socks so you can try and force other people to do eat socks.

Mizushima Masaki – "Don't stop believin'" is not your official theme song. You're from Toyama Prefecture; I doubt you've ever even been to Michigan, much less south Detroit.

Monoma Neito – While Bakugou probably will do pretty much anything if you so much as hint that he's incapable of it, I feel like I should remind you that such a situation may not turn out in your favor, though one would hope you figured that out on your own when you (and everyone else in the vicinity) learned that not only does he see nothing wrong with clothing generally associated with women, he looks damn good in a tutu. And he knows it. Lording this over his head will only get him to dress in drag again. I have to ask you to avoid provoking him, if only because several students who thought they were aware of their orientation are suddenly reconsidering (which is, of course, absolutely fine, but probably shouldn't be happening at school).

Nishiya Shinji – You are not the Lorax. You do not speak for the trees.

No. 13 – You are not legally obligated to begin back-up requests with "Housten, we have a problem", and you will stop telling people otherwise.

Ojiro Mashirao – You chose the hero name "Tail Man". Now you're going to have to live with the consequences.

Overhaul – Todoroki Shouto has publically declared you to be the worst father of all time. Take a moment to think about that.

Rappa – Stop trying to fight Kirishima. I don't care how "badass" you think he is. He has homework to do. You can't fight any of the other students either.

Rin Hiryuu – If you are actually being bullied because of your ethnicity, please tell an authority figure (me, the principal). Stop trying to guilt-trip people into giving you food.

Ryuukyuu – Stop telling people that the Dragon Balls are real. They aren't, and you can't grant wishes.

Sakamata Kuugo – Do not try to convince students to "rebel against the tyranny of Sea World". You are not being as subtle as you think you are.

Sako Atsuhiro – If you absolutely must ask Shigaraki to give you "a hand", do not do so on school grounds. You can and will be arrested, no matter how funny the students seem to think you are.

Satou Rikidou – If a villain breaks into the school, alert the proper authorities. Do not bake them a cake in exchange for them leaving. Even if it works, you're just encouraging them to come back again later.

Selkie – "Captain" is not part of your hero name. You do not have the right to arrest people for not calling you that, especially if you are not on your boat at the time.

Sero Hanta – I understand that boys your age like to roughhouse. That is perfectly fine. I only ask that you not use your elbows, as you could do some serious damage.

Shigaraki Tomura – Please stop breaking into the school and taping up crudely drawn pictures of tap-dancing monkeys with socks mooning the viewers. While your creativity is certainly nothing to scoff at, this is inappropriate behavior. Also, you're a criminal, so you shouldn't be here unless someone arrested you. No, you cannot demand fuzzy pink handcuffs, even if Yaoyorozu is happy to oblige.

Shinsou Hitoshi – Stop kidnapping Aizawa's cats. I do not want our teachers sending death threats to students; it's bad for publicity.

Shiozaki Ibara – Smacking someone with a Bible is not an appropriate method of combat, no matter how much you think they "need Jesus".

Shishida Juurouta – Unless you can turn into a prince at will, you are not "the perfect candidate for a new Beauty and the Beast movie" and you will stop insisting otherwise.

Shiretoko Tomoko – I understand that the loss of your Quirk has upset you. However, breaking into All For One's prison cell to demand he give it back is not only very dangerous but also very illegal. I advise against it.

Shouda Nirengeki – I understand that Shinsou's actions in the Sports Festival made you feel uncomfortable. I do not understand why you think the appropriate "vengeance" is following him around and hitting him with a pool noodle.

Shouji Mezou – Mineta should not be trying to get people to eat socks. You should not be helping him.

Shuuzenji Chiyo – "The little shit had it coming" is not an excuse for refusing to heal a student, even if they did have it coming.

Sirius – Please refrain from lashing out at Harry Potter jokes. You knew exactly what you were getting into when you chose that name.

Sir Nighteye – Plus do not leave your All Might body pillow out in the open. Midoriya doesn't need any more ideas.

Snipe – Your active hours cannot only be "high noon".

Sousaki Shino – While on my campus, you follow my rules. Stop telling the children that anarchy is an option to alumni.

Takeyama Yuu – There is no law stating that you and Ashido have to watch "Monsters vs. Aliens" together. You should not be telling her otherwise.

Tetsutetsu Tetsutetsu – There is nothing you or I can do to stop people from adding a "Tetsu" or two to your name. Learn to live with it.

Todoroki Enji – I have no say in the sort of activities the students partake in after school hours. Thus, should your son wish to gather a bunch of his classmates and egg his own house while you're away, I'm afraid there is little I can do to stop him. What a shame.

Todoroki Fuyumi – While I understand that you are happy that your youngest brother has begun socially connecting with his classmates, I have to ask that you not treat this as though it is his sixth birthday. Please stop showing up carrying pink cupcakes with hearts and smiley faces.

Todoroki Shouto – As amusing as it is to watch you infuriate your father, I must ask you not to break any laws. If you do, I will be able to stop you, and that is not something either of us desires. Full steam ahead (but only legally)!

Toga Himiko – Whether or not your hips are honest is none of my concern. Yours hips, as well as the rest of you, are not allowed on school grounds. Please stop flirting with/trying to stab my students.

Tokage Setsuna – If you are responsible for the creation of Hatsume's velociraptor, then you are also responsible for any damages in causes.

Tokoyami Fumikage – If you stand around dramatically on the roof, people will laugh if/when you fall. They will be justified in doing so.

Toogata Mirio – I understand that you are sick of Tintin jokes. I expect you to understand that Recovery Girl is sick of fixing broken noses.

Tsuburaba Kousei – Stop stalking Todoroki. I don't care if you're only doing it to protect him from the press, stalking is still stalking.

Tsuchikawa Ryuuko – You are thirty-one years old. Do not flirt with teenagers.

Tsunotori Pony – If Monoma tells you how to say something, double check with someone in your class first.

Uraraka Ochako – Please do not try and convince your classmates to refer to All Might as "Dad-sensei". Please also refrain from convincing them to refer to Midoriya Inko as "Mom". Please also stop trying to hook them up.

Yagi Toshinori – Do not encourage your students' delusions of grandeur, whether it's Bakugou claiming to be invincible or Midoriya claiming to be some sort of sex god.

Yamada Hizashi – Stop encouraging Jirou to annoy people with music. Stop helping her annoy people with music.

Yanagi Reiko – I am going to assume that you are the reason several people think the third floor girls' bathroom is haunted. You are not Toire no Hanako-san. Stop it.

Yaoyorozu Momo – I am legally obligated to advise you that providing Todoroki Shouto and his cohorts with eggs is, while not illegal, frowned upon. That said, so long as you can prove that you don't know what they're using them for, there's really nothing anyone can do to stop you from "feeding eggs to your hungry friends". Also, if Shigaraki Tomura appears and informs you that he refuses to be arrested unless it's with fuzzy pink handcuffs, do not feel obligated to provide them.

AN: That's chapter one! I won't be able to post it 'till later, so I'll write something else in the meantime… For those of you who don't know, "Toire no Hanako-san" (or "Ms. Hanako of the Toilet) is a Japanese spirit who was murdered in a bathroom and now haunts them. There are a few interpretations of her, but I'm just referencing her here. Lastly, don't expect this to make any sense. It's solely for shits and giggles. PWP ("puns without plot"), if you will. Anyhow, let me know what you think, and I'll see you next time! Kitty out.