Miracles Take Time

Castle & Beckett struggle with fertility in this post-show possible AU (ignores canon epilogue) One-Shot.

"Kate? Kate? Helllooo?"

"Mmm?" Kate startled back from her drifting thoughts when a stress ball shaped like Darth Vader's head landed in her lap. She had only vaguely heard her husband calling out her name as her mind had been far too consumed with thoughts like: Are we doing the right thing? What if something goes wrong? And will I be a good mother?

Castle smiled at her a little uncertain. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you? C'mon, tell me what you're thinking."

She took in a deep breath and let it out slow as she leaned back in her seat. They sat on either side of the desk in his office waiting for their three o'clock conference call with Adoptions from the Heart. Though their case worker, Angie, did not tell them any details about the call when she texted to confirm their availability, both she and Castle knew what it would be about and nervous butterflies had filled her stomach ever since.

"I just…I have mixed emotions, I guess. I'm excited, of course, but this…even though we've known for a while, this feels like shutting the door completely on having our own children. Shutting the door and locking it."

"Kate." He sighed and stretched out his arm across the desk, placing his palm up and wiggling his fingers until she placed her hand in his.

Feeling his strong fingers latch around hers, Kate shut her eyes and sucked in a deep breath. "I know; I know. We can't control it or change it, but it's still…" She opened her eyes and gazed at him, giving a little shrug.

He squeezed her hand a little harder. "I know."

Never once in her life did Kate entertain the possibility that she would not be able to have a child of her own. Why would she have? For the first thirty-two years of her life she had never been in a relationship serious enough to seriously consider the idea. Then, once Castle became the man she knew she'd spend her life with, she simply thought that once they were ready she would be able to become pregnant with relative ease. Then, she'd taken a bullet to the gut and everything began to change.

Thanks to the metal shards ripping through her gut and a subsequent infection, Kate had lost one of her ovaries and part of her small intestine. This catastrophic injury had sent her body into a tailspin and she fought a hard several-month battle to get well again. During her recuperation, she and Castle had decided they would try to have a child as soon as she was physically able, but upon visiting two of the best fertility specialists in the city they discovered that because of her injuries and previously unknown issues with her uterus, the doctors estimated they had around a one percent chance of getting pregnant.

The news had been thoroughly devastating for Kate, and she had spent days crying in Castle's arms. Though she had suffered many tragedies in her life, the loss of something she'd never had in the first place hit her particularly hard and she knew for certain she would not have made it through without the love and strength her husband provided. A situation that could have just as easily pushed them apart strengthened their bond as he assured her again and again his love for her had not and would never change; this was simply another chapter in their story.

After a few months of not speaking about the subject of bringing children into their family, they circled back to the discussion and decided to adopt. Castle had never been shy about his desire for more children, and Kate too wished to raise a child with a man she knew to be the most incredible in the world. At that point they began reviewing adoption agencies in the city and through a homicide case of all things (though, ultimately, it seemed perfectly fitting with their relationship) they met Angie.

Not wanting to wait too much longer to expand their family, Kate and Castle had gone through the rigorous approval process and had only been interviewing with prospective mothers for a few weeks when they received Angie's vague text. To that point they had spoken with four mothers. One they ruled out right away as she was clearly as disinterested in them as they were with her. Another interview had only been moderately good, and the final two were both positive on equal levels. They had discussed it, but neither Kate nor Castle could agree on what mother had (possibly) chosen them to take their child, though they believed it to be one of the last two.

"This is going to be great, Kate; I promise you."

He grinned at her and Kate felt her heart lift in the way that it only could in the reflection of his smile. "I know—I know it is I just…I just want to hear from Angie and then it'll be real, right?"

"Righ—oh!" He dropped her hand and reached out for the cell phone resting on the desk between them. "Perfect timing!" He tapped the button to answer the call and greeted Angie warmly.

"Rick? Kate?"

"Yes we're both here; you're on speaker."

"Great! Well I won't draw this out at all—let me be the first to congratulate you on becoming parents; Lacy has picked you to adopt her daughter!"

"Oh! Wow! That's great news!" Castle said as he grinned over the desk at his wife. He reached out to take her hand again and she did so, squeezing it tightly.

Lacy was the last mother they had interviewed with, the youngest of all the others at only seventeen. She was carrying a baby girl who was due in a few weeks, but that she had only recently decided to give the child up for adoption after her boyfriend, the baby's father, broke up with her. Kate had a good impression of the girl when they spoke. Lacy had explained that she wanted to go to veterinary school and didn't feel she could do that with a child, but also wanted her little girl to have the best life possible, which Castle assured her they could do. He also told her she was more than welcome to stay in contact with them through the years as they wished the child to know her birth mother as much as she was comfortable with. Lacy seemed equally surprised and pleased by the comment and Kate had suspected it might have pushed them over the edge into being selected.

"We'll set up a time later in the week for you to come in and settle all the paperwork."

"Of course, of course-thank you Angie, thank you so much!"

"Yes, thank you; we appreciate everything you've done for us." Kate added before they all said their goodbyes.

After the phone call ended, Castle walked around the desk and immediately pulled his wife into a hug. "A daughter; we're going to have a daughter."

"Yeah." He burrowed her face into the crook of his neck and hugged his body tightly. Really, she didn't care if their baby was a boy or a girl—it wasn't as though they could have chosen that if they were having one of their own—but she just didn't feel…right. She didn't feel happy or excited; she just felt concern.

"What's going on?" he pulled back and cupped her face with his hands. "You're happy about this, right? You're the one that suggested finding a birth mother instead of-"

"No I know." She assured him turning so she could kiss his right palm. "I think it's just the shock of it all; my brain is still processing."

"I understand—but I promise you Kate this is going to be amazing. We're going to have a daughter, bring her home, raise her and love her more than anything in the world."

For the thousandth time his positive attitude lifted her spirits and filled her heart with joy. Rising up on her toes, she pressed a kiss to his lips and said, "I love you."

He grinned. "I love you, too. Oh! I have to call Alexis—this is so exciting! I just can't wait!"

As he reluctantly slid from slumber, Castle groaned and rolled onto his back, arching his spine and stretching out his legs all the way down to his toes. He turned his head towards the opposite side of the bed, but found it surprisingly vacant. Turning it the opposite direction, he saw that it was nearly eight. Oh—he had slept later than he expected to. Then again, the prior day had been one of the most emotionally trying of his life.

Forcing himself up, he arched his back in a stretch again, that time reaching his arms up over his head until he heard of his shoulders crack. Grimacing and rolling them slightly, he stood, and shuffled out of their bedroom and into the office. He was surprised when he did not detect the aroma of coffee, but then he saw her: curled in a ball, her legs pulled tightly to her chest, gazing down at the streets below. Immediately, the healing touch of sleep evaporated and his heart began to ache.

That morning was supposed to be their morning; the first morning of the rest of their lives. Their daughter should have been sleeping in a bassinette beside his wife's side of the bed. They should have woken several times during the night to comfort her and feed her. Lily; they were going to name her Lily.

The morning before, barely more than twenty-four hours earlier, they had been hurrying to leave the house so they could make it to the hospital just in time for visiting hours when they received the fateful phone call. To her credit, Angie sounded completely devastated, perhaps even slightly tearful as she explained that late the prior evening Lacy had changed her mind about giving up her baby for adoption and so the seven pound, one ounce little girl would not be going home with the Castles that day.

Castle wasn't sure what hurt the most: being forced to say the words out loud to his wife, or watching her cry out and crumple to the floor upon hearing the news. He, too, was devastated. In fact, as the minutes passed and the news truly hit him, he was afraid he might vomit. Instead, he merely sunk down on the kitchen floor, pulled Kate into his arms, and they cried together.

An hour later, after he collected himself, Castle forced himself to contact Alexis, both their parents, and a few select friends to inform them of what was going on, as they had all anticipated meeting the littlest Castle later that afternoon. Despite the outpouring of love and concern from everyone he'd spoke with, Castle still felt ill, particularly when looking at his wife, who had nearly become comatose, and remained sitting on the kitchen floor. Eventually, she gathered herself enough to move to the couch, but when she looked at the clock and said, "We should be bringing our daughter home right now," he felt the heavy weight of loss drop down on his shoulders once more.

Now, the day after, he knew they would still be picking up the pieces. They had clothes, diapers, formula waiting to be used that would need donating. Some of the furniture could be returned, he imagined, or maybe they'd just donate that as well. Maybe he'd even ask Angie to offer it to Lacy; surely she was ill prepared as she had expected to give her child up.

As much as he wanted to wallow in the ache that still clawed at his ribs, Castle knew he was better off being the strong one, the one with a plan. Yes, this had not worked out, but that did not mean adoption still wasn't in their future. Maybe they needed to go back to an earlier plan: adopting an older child. If they didn't choose a newborn, the odds of the mother changing her mind and wanting the child back would surely be significantly lower.

"Hey," he began, his voice a bit raspy from sleep. Clearing his throat he said, "Sleep okay?"

She turned her head to look at him with a blank expression. He interpreted this to mean that she did not sleep well, and he couldn't say that he blamed her. "Well, anyway, I was just thinking that we need a plan so-"

"No, Castle."

"Yeah, hear me out. If we just-"

"Stop." She commanded, her voice surprisingly harsh for that early in the morning. She uncurled her body and stood before him, her eyes bloodshot and lined with dark circles. "You can't…you can't Castle your way through this one."

His brow wrinkled. "What does that mean?"

She let out a frustrated groan and brought her hands up to rake back through her hair. "It means I can't—I can't do this again." Her voice sounded desperate as she clawed as the neck of her t-shirt.

He felt his stomach roll with uncertainty. "But if we go to the agency and-"

"No."

"Please—just hear me out. If-"

"I said stop!" She shouted and a single tear rolled down her left cheek. "I can't—I cannot do it again. It hurts too much."

He tilted his head to the side, softening his tone. "I know this was a blow but-"

"A blow?! Rick, we held her, we named her. She was ours. But now she's not and I ca—can't; I can't."

The sound of her sobs shredding at his heart, Castle stepped forward and opened. "Okay, okay. C'mere; it's okay." She fell against him and locked her arms around his waist, burying her face into his t-shirt. He kissed the top of her head and held her close, rocking them both slowly back and forth.

Though Lacy had not wanted them in the birthing room, they had been invited in to see the baby just an hour after she entered the world. She was swaddled in a blanket, wearing a pink hat, and resting in a bassinet gazing up with big dark eyes. They'd both exchanged tearful smiles before Kate picked her up and cradled her close while thanking Lacy for making them a whole family. For the next several hours they'd taken turns holding her, snuggling with her, and even changing her diaper. Though they'd been forced to leave due to visiting hour policies, they'd promised to return as soon as they could the next morning and they had left the hospital with their arms around each other, both of them happy beyond words.

Castle couldn't bring himself to think of those few hours too much, for they had come with a spectacular amount of joy that now threatened to crush him entirely. Rationally he knew that if the baby's birth mother wanted to keep her, it would be best, but another side of him argued that he and Kate would have been the best parents for that baby and given her the best life possible. Now, they'd never have the chance.

"I'm so sorry, Castle." Kate sniffled out as she squeezed him a little bit tighter. "I know you wanted another child."

"No, no," he said quickly, sliding his arms away from her back so he could reach down and cradle her face. He stroked his thumbs evenly over her cheeks, brushing away all the tears that he could, and gazed down tenderly. "It's okay; don't be sorry."

"But you wanted-"

"No." He shook his head. While he certainly would not have been unhappy with having another child, he didn't need to become a father again to make him happy; Kate did that all on her own. He especially didn't want to do anything that would upset her or cause them more pain; it wasn't worth it seeing how upset she was for that was an unbearable feeling.

"You're enough, Kate. Just the two of us—we're enough." He promised.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're right. If this...if it happened again..." He shook his head and shut his eyes, unable to fathom the possibility. Opening them, he leaned down and kissed the center of her forehand. "Let's just take all this adoption stuff off the table, okay? Maybe someday we'll revisit it, maybe we won't, but for now, let's just try to move on—together."

She nodded and fell against his chest once more. "Okay."

"Oh! My bloodwork results are posted." Kate announced as she glanced down at the incoming text message on her phone.

"Oh good. Here," Castle said, passing over the iPad that had been resting beside him on the couch. "Can you log on with this?"

She shook her head and pushed herself into a standing position. "No I probably don't remember my password." With that, she walked into the office to log onto her healthcare provider's patient portal from her laptop.

"That's why you should just use the same one for every website like me," she heard her husband say.

Kate leaned over enough to gaze at him through the office entrance. "You realize that's terrible right?"

"Nah."

Rolling her eyes, Kate opened an internet browser and typed in her provider's web address, glad to see that she remained logged in. More so, she was thankful that she did not have to wait the full five days for the results to be posted, like the nurse practitioner had warned. Two days was a much more preferred timeframe.

As was her preferred manner of operation, Kate threw herself completely into her work in the wake of losing their adopted baby. She picked up more hours, began working on all the "rainy day" projects she'd set aside, and dedicated herself to being the best police captain she could be. For a while, things were going well, but just when she felt as though she was feeling better emotionally, she began to feel worse physically. Thinking she had simply been pushing herself too hard and it was catching up with her more easily now that she was closer than not to her fortieth year, she cut back her work time to regular hours, but her exhaustion persisted.

Over the next month Kate's good days outweighed the bad, but she still felt…off. She dedicated herself to having a healthy diet, cutting out all alcohol, and getting as many good night's sleeps as she could while married to a quasi-insomniac writer, but the strangeness persisted. The worst part was that she couldn't really nail down any symptoms specifically other than tiredness; she just felt strange. Ultimately, her concern that something was seriously wrong won out, and she'd made a doctor's appointment. The LNP had been similarly flummoxed, but suggested they start with bloodwork to rule some things out.

"Everything look okay?"

"Hang on; I'm just logging in."

Kate distantly heard Castle's approaching footsteps on the hardwood as she skimmed down the list of her results. Conveniently, her results were right next to the normal ranges for what they tested for and every single one of her results was in the perfect range, which was good, she supposed, but frustrating, because it meant whatever was wrong with her probably could not be determined by—

Oh.

Oh.

Well that—surely it—no…no! That simply couldn't be—

"Kate?"

"Wha…I…I'm not…" she stammered dumbly while pointing to the computer screen.

Castle crouched down beside her and gazed at the screen. "Cholesterol, iron…they all look in the normal ranges Kate."

"Not that one." She squeaked out, pointing to the very bottom of the screen where the seemingly implausible words stared back at her.

Pregnancy: Positive

"I…oh—oh shit!" He gazed at her, eyes wild, and appeared similarly speechless.

For the span of fifteen seconds Kate simply stared at him before her heart clenched beneath her ribs and she forced herself out of her seat. Rubbing her hands over her face she said, "No. No—this must be some sort of mistake."

"But," he began, slowly rising to a standing position, "it fits your symptoms: exhaustion, upset stomach, sudden heartburn…"

"No, no—it can't. It must be wrong!"

"They wouldn't have posted it if it was wrong, Kate."

"But—but—they told us! They said we couldn't. Two different doctors said we couldn't." She emphasized. "What if…what if it's some sort of false positive and I…I…"

"Hey." His voice was calm and soothing as he walked over and rested a hand on each of her shoulders, giving them a solid squeeze. "It's going to be okay."

She shut her eyes and felt the tears begin to pour down her cheeks. She felt his kisses against her skin as he tried to collect each droplet, but she still couldn't let herself believe. It was supposed to be impossible and so she wouldn't get her hopes up—she couldn't—for if it really was a false positive, they would lose their second almost-baby in four months and she didn't think her heart could take that.

"Kate, listen, okay. It's not even five o'clock yet so they're probably still open. Why don't you just call you GYN and see if they can fit you in. I'll go with you."

She sniffed back some tears and then opened her eyes. The obnoxiously hopeful look on her husband's face made Kate's heart do a summersault in her chest. He believed it; she knew he did, but god…if it wasn't…

"Is this even possible?" she asked in a tone just barely above a whisper.

He gave a little shrug. "Miracles do happen—and if anyone deserves one I think it's us."

"God, Castle." She breathed, not even sure what to think.

He leaned in and kissed her head. "It's going to be okay, Kate; I promise."

"Well, I suppose it's time for our annual 'what we're thankful for' tradition." Castle gazed around the large table in his apartment at his daughter, mother, father-in-law, and finally to his wife. Before them sat an empty pie tin and five empty plates; all of their bellies completely stuffed with turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, and, finally, pecan pie. Per usual, their Thanksgiving feast had been a hit and now, at the close of the meal, they would continue their tradition—this year with an extra-special announcement.

Reaching out to take his wife's hand, Castle gave it a squeeze and they gazed at their guests once more. "I'll start, if you don't mind, because, ah, Kate and I are going to use this moment to make an announcement." He watched as Alexis's eyes flared wide and a curious expression crossed his mother's face. Glancing at Kate once more, he saw her nod and he nodded back.

"This year, ah, we're most thankful that next year there will be six of us here at the table," he said, his voice cracking with emotion on the last few words. Squeezing Kate's had even tighter he added, "Our son will be here, too."

"Oh yay." Alexis cheered, clapping her hands together.

"Oh Richard," his mother gushed, clasping her hands together and bringing them to the center of her chest. "Why didn't you say something? We had no idea you and Katherine were looking into adopting again."

"Well," he began, his eyes darting towards his wife.

"Actually," she continued for him, "I—I'm pregnant."

"Oh my god!"

"Oh, Katie."

"Katherine—oh! Oh my goodness!"

Castle released Kate's hand so he could brush a tear away from his eye as the table chorused with surprise. Though they had known officially for six weeks, the news was still a shock to him, since it had seemed impossible for so long.

In the first week of October, Kate and Castle had been in a similar state: sitting side by side, holding hands, and crying. Only at that time they were sitting in the office of Kate's OB/GYN as she confirmed their pregnancy. Though it still remained a bit of a medical mystery, the doctor rationalized that in the year since their last fertility visit, Kate's body had recovered more from its trauma, and her cysts had cleared up enough for an embryo to implant, which was made possible by the fact that they'd stopped using birth control.

Because of Kate's history, her pregnancy was labeled as high risk, which meant an ultrasound was scheduled for the following week. During that exam they discovered that Kate was actually around nine weeks along, based on the size of their baby, which meant she'd nearly made it out of her first trimester without realizing she was pregnant. Despite this, they still decided to wait to tell their family and friends, just in case. Then, as winter approached, Castle came up with the idea of telling everyone on Thanksgiving and Kate happily agreed; it was the perfect way to surprise everyone.

"We, ah, we were pretty surprised to find out," Kate said with a nervous laugh.

"Completely shocked, actually." Castle laughed.

"So—wait. How far along are you?" Alexis asked.

"Sixteen weeks. We found out it was a boy at the ultrasound last week."

"It was very obvious."

"Dad!"

"What?" Castle laughed at his daughter's groan. "It really was."

"Well this is just…absolutely wonderful," Jim proclaimed. "And something we can all be thankful for."

Castle reached out and grabbed Kate's hand once again. "Definitely."

Staring down at the fluttering eyelids of her perfect, innocent, gorgeous son, Kate felt her heart swell so much she was convinced her ribs would break. She was so in love with him it was positively ridiculous. Castle had been entirely right in his description of instant, parental love—if anything, he'd undersold it. She had never felt such happiness, joy, and devotion in her entire life; it was incredible.

Though she remained very nervous for the duration of her pregnancy, in the end everything went smoothly. She went into labor the day before her due date, labored for fifteen hours, pushed for twenty minutes, and out he came: eight pounds and screaming. As the nurses placed him on her chest Kate began crying too, cradling her son with one hand and griping onto her husband's hand with the other as they bonded as one whole family; it was beautiful.

Now, after they'd both taken turns holding Jake on their chests, she was supposed to be resting. As it was well into the early hours of the morning, Castle had passed out on the in-room sofa and Kate had tried to sleep, but she couldn't—not when Jake was there just waiting to be loved and doted on. Though their fertility struggles had brought about some of the saddest and most frustrating days of her life, Kate knew it had all been worth it just for the moment a little an hour after his birth when they all snuggled together and Castle took their picture with his phone. She didn't even care how matted down her hair looked; she wanted to get the picture framed and hung in their bedroom so they would always be reminded of how lucky they were.

"Mm I thought you were sleeping."

Kate glanced over to her groggy-sounding husband as he pushed himself off of the couch and approached. She watched as he gazed down into the bassinet at their sleeping son. The dopey grin returned to his face and so she smiled as well. God, she couldn't wait to watch him be an incredible father to Jake; to be by his side for every moment of it.

After everything they'd been through together, Kate didn't believe it was possible for her to love her husband any more than she did. Then, she'd received the crushing news that she was unable to have a child and he had once again become her rock, never once letting her forget that his love for her was unwavering and nothing could ever change it. Then, after the heartbreak of their failed adoption, they banded together once more, supporting each other as they had always done.

Kate had honestly thought she would be happy with her husband—just the two of them. They could go on vacations whenever and wherever they wanted. They could spend lazy weekend mornings in bed. They could make love anywhere they wanted to in their apartment! She had all but accepted their child-free life when the news of her pregnancy arrived and she had been, to put it mildly, utterly stunned. While she became a hormonal mess, Castle rose to the challenge and doted on her to the point where she had to ask him to stop because he was driving her insane, but of course he could only back down so much. He was Richard Castle, after all.

Thinking back over the prior months Kate distinctly remembered a moment just barely three weeks earlier. She awoke in the middle of the night with a desperate need to empty her bladder, but before she pushed herself from bed she took a moment to acknowledge her husband's position. He lay half crooked on the mattress, with his head off of his pillow and resting near her the center of his back, all so he could splay his entire hand across her round belly. She fell asleep most nights with him protectively stroking the skin atop the child blossoming inside, but she took particularly note of it that moment to the point where it nearly brought her to tears. Her husband was an amazing man and their next adventure together—parenthood—was going to be extraordinary.

"I was trying to sleep but…" Kate reached out and placed her hand over her swaddled baby. "I just can't stop staring at him; I'm obsessed!"

The writer hummed and placed his hand over hers. "I know the feeling."

"I just…I feel like I have to keep staring at him to convince myself that he's really hear. Guess that sounds crazy, right?"

He gave her hand a squeeze. "I don't think so; not after everything we went through."

Feeling a tear slip from her eye, she gazed up at him and said, "I love you so much."

He leaned in and kissed her. "Love you too, Kate; always."

A/N: Thanks for reading!