Disclaimer: Digimon is not mine. Jyou is not mine, nor is Yamato, Taichi, Takeru, Hikari, Mimi, or any other character from Digimon. However, Dr. Kaos is mine, especially since he shows up frequently in my stories. Nyusumi is mine too, but that's another story. He's actually from the sequel to Untold Secrets, a work in progress right now with the tentative title of Waiting. The songs throughout near the end are from Ace of Base. Um... Beatiful Life, Blooming 18, My Deja vu, Perfect World.. all the songs used within this fic. They're not mine, okay? I lay no claim to them!

Rating: This fic weighs in at... A LOT OF STUFF! Lessee.. first and foremost, there's lemon. Not very descriptive, but lemon nonetheless. Some might say it's heavy lime. Okay, there's also rape and heroin use and an OD (but not death from it). It's a yaoi Jyoushiro SLASH, meaning Jyou/Koushiro. There's some sap at end, possibly a little bit of fluff, lotsa angst, and some insanity. And I believe that's all. Enjoy!! =^o^=

Author's Note: O2 never happened, although the 02 characters are in here and know the 01 characters. Also, the some of the idea of the fic was filched from Pretty Pretty Princess's fic Anti-Me, although I didn't intend for it to. But it turns out completely different, so no sweat there. Oh yeah, go read Anti-Me. It's an awesome Daikeru/Takedai. Humorous too, unlike my blah serious sappy lemons. But I did try writing this one differently than my others, so... And one last note? The part about Piedmon's castle being destroyed, it's not really true. A friend told me it was never destroyed. I had read about it in Cynthia and Lady Dragon's fic, so that's where I got it. Just so you people won't get confused. ^_~

Update as of September 12, 2001 11:15 pm

As you all know by now, September 11, 2001 is a day that will be remembered forever in history. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center, and one into the Pentagon. The loss of life is not yet accounted for, but it nonetheless a very tragic thing to have happened. After what happened yesterday, all my problems and all the problems of the characters seem rather petty now. I am not yet finished with this story, and I am not sure if I have the heart to go on, as am extremely horrified and depressed over the events of yesterday, but for the sake of any anime fans that may have died in yesterday's attack, I shall try. I just want to take a moment to put a few of my feelings down on paper, as well dedicate this and all current and future stories to the innocent people that have lost their lives because of the stupidity of others. You will be remembered.

Update as of November 27, 2001 10:56:52 pm

It's certainly taking me a long time to get this fic finished, isn't it? Oh, and did I ever mention? MAJOR OOCNESS!!!! BE WARNED!!!

Departure

by: Butterflie, formerly known as Crimson Goddess

*one shot Jyoushiro*

I wake to bright sunlight streaming in through my window, the pale rays making odd patterns of light on my floor.

Today's the day.

It's been so long since I've last seen them, since I last saw him. Six years. Koushiro....

I look away painfully, as though I've been burnt. It always hurts when my thoughts turn to him.

I was surprised when Yamato called me. Surprised that any of them would bother to call me, really. After all, they had been getting along fine without me for all this time.

I'm kinda saddened that Koushiro had never kept in touch with me. But ever since the Digital World six years ago, he just dropped out of my life, as did all the others.

I can't admit, not even now, that I just might have feelings for him. Every time my thoughts turn in that direction, I end up desperately thinking of something else to distract myself. I don't want to think what those certain thoughts might reveal.

But I disgress. I only meant to tell you why Yamato called.

It just came out of the blue. And I don't mean my hair.

I had come from an appointment with my psychiatrist just in time to catch the phone, which was about to fall off the hook from so much ringing.

I had answered breathlessly, causing the person on the other end to cheerfully inquire if he had interrupted anything between me and a girlfriend.

Blushing, I had told him no, then asked who I was talking to.

"Yamato," he had said, somewhat amused. "Don't you recognize my sexy voice, Jyou?"

"Not when I haven't seen any of you in six years," I had retorted.

"I guess not," he had said, sounding as if it didn't make a difference to him.

Then, to my surprise, he told me the whole Chosen crew was getting together for a gathering in the Digital World.

"We wondered if you wanted to come to. That is, if you're not busy. We just thought you might like to. Besides, it wouldn't seem the same without you there."

"When is it?"

"Saturday. We're all meeting at the school at seven, and not coming back until about eleven at night."

I remember sighing, as though I was trying to think.

"I guess I'll come," I had told him finally.

He sounded pleased. "Great! See you at Odaiba school then, k?"

"Sure." Then I had hung up.

Of course, now I wonder if agreeing to go to this thing was such a great idea. Did I really want to subject myself to such torture?

It's not late to back out, though. I can still say no. But would it be worth it, to turn down my one chance at seeing Koushiro again? I haven't seen in him so long, and now I have a chance to, and I want to shoot it down?

What the hell is wrong with me?

No wonder I'm seeing a psychiatrist.

Dammit, I'm straying again.

I'm supposed to be showering right about now.

Sighing, I climb out of bed and pad barefoot down the hall towards the bathroom I share with Jim. Sometimes I resent the fact he goes to college here in Odaiba. It means he still lives with Mom and Dad and I don't get my own bathroom.

Luckily, I'm up before him this morning, so the bathroom is still relatively clean. I take a shower as quick as I can, not wanting to be late in getting to the school.

Once I'm showered and dressed, I quickly grab my backpack and throw a few things in it: clean clothes in case my clumsiness shows and I fall into a stream or something, inhaler for the asthma I seemed to have developed, enough food for lunch and supper today, as well as crap to snack on, couple of needles for the smack I pollute my poor body with, and my various assortment of pills.

Actually, I don't really take that many different pills. Most are anti-depressants, and pills for asthma, and then nytro-glecerin pills for my heart condition. I'd explain the heart thing, but it's way too complicated. Maybe later I'll attempt too.

Of course, I didn't always used to take a bunch of junk. It was only after that terrible incident four years ago.

Oh wait, you have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget people are listening to me know, since I've been alone except for the voices in my head for so long. Or maybe you really are just another voice in my head. God knows I've had plenty before you.

Anyways, the terrible incident four years ago. I need to tell you about it, so you can understand the need for all the junk my body takes in.

It happened late at night. I had stupidly scheduled a doctor's appointment around the late evening, so by the time it was over, it was like 11:00 or so. I had been walking home when these six guys jumped me, beat me, gang raped me, and robbed me. The result was hospitalization for a month, a heart condition, and asthma. It also made me depressed, depressed enough so that I ran away for a year and got addicted to smack before coming back home. I'm still hooked on the stuff, but it's getting better. My parents don't know, but Jim does, and he's the one that made me start going to a psychiatrist. Although, I think if I can't leave the heroin alone after a year of getting help, I'm probably addicted for life.

But that's what happened to me, so now you don't have to wonder.

Anyways, to get back on subject.

After throwing that junk in my backpack, I left the house without bothering to leave a note, then headed towards the school.

The others were all there waiting for me when I arrived, Koushiro included.

Taichi was the first to spot me.

"Jyou!" he cried.

The others looked over, and at first just stared at me.

Finally, Takeru chanced to say something. "Hey Jyou, long time no see."

"Hey," I replied quietly, embarrassed at all the attention I was getting.

Hikari smiled at me in that soft, reassuring way of hers. She had really grown up quite different from the eight year old I had known. At fourteen, she was becoming really beautiful, and I'm sure in a few more years all the guys would be falling over her. I hope Taichi realized how lucky he was to have a sister like that.

Yamato smiled at me too, although it was really more like a grin than anything else. "Yo Jyou! Wha's shakin'? Sorry about interrupting whatever it was when I called the other day."

I shook my head wildly in protest as Sora looked at me with some surprise.

"You didn't interrupt anything! I had just gotten home from running, that's all! I swear!"

Yamato just gave me a sly look. "Sure Jyou."

I protested my innocence once more, but he wasn't listening. Instead he was whisphering something to Taichi.

Shrugging, I gave up.

Koushiro still hadn't said anything to me.

I wonder why.

Is he thinking about the last time we were together, right before we were forced to leave the Digital World for what we had thought was the last time?

But if he was, then why won't he say something?

It had been him that initiated that kiss, not me.

I realize with some clarity that I'm blushing. Especially when Yamato points it out to me.

He sure has changed a lot from the quiet, overprotective eleven year old.

"Hey Jyou, you're blushing! Thinking about spending some quality time with your girlfriend?" he teased me, that never-fading grin spreading wider across his face.

"Shutup!" I snapped, ashamed to be caught blushing. I shouldn't have been thinking about Koushiro. "I already told you I don't have a girlfriend! And I never have either, so just shutup!"

Yamato looked surprised, and maybe a little hurt. Good. He deserved it. "Sorry," he said tentatively. "I was just joking."

I sighed, but didn't say anything.

Everyone stood in uncomfortable silence for a few moments, before Hikari broke the silence. "Are we just gonna stand here all day, or are we gonna go to the Digital World?"

"I guess... go to the Digital World," I said, because nobody else seemed like they were gonna reply.

Koushiro shrugged -finally some sort of reaction from him!- and took out a Digivice. It looked different from the ones we had six years ago.

"Where'd you get that?" I asked him.

"Gennai upgraded all our Digivices a few years ago. He would have done yours, but you weren't around," he mumbled.

Then he turned towards one of the computers in the lab and shouted, "Digital Gate Open!"

Shortly we were in the Digital World.

It looked different than I remembered it. Fresher, newer somehow. Maybe it was just because I hadn't been here in so long.

Immediately Taichi assumed leadership, as if it were the old days again, and began walking.

He led us to a shady clearing under a bunch of trees. After Hikari took a blanket out of her backpack and spread it, we all threw our stuff down.

"So what are we doing first?" Takeru asked.

Taichi looked at him. "We were supposed to go meet Mimi at the ruins of Piedmon's castle, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"But," Taichi continued, "that won't be for another hour, so we can either rest or whoever wants to can explore kind of close around here for a little while."

"I think I'll explore," Hikari said.

"And I'll come," Takeru added.

Taichi looked over at Sora, Koushiro, and me. "What about you three?"

Sora shrugged. "I wanted to see if I could locate Piyomon."

"I was gonna see Gennai to ask him something."

"What about you Jyou?" Taichi asked me.

"I j-just thought I'd ....g-go wander around for awhile, I guess," I stammered.

"Allright. Well everyone try to meet Yamato and me here in about forty five minutes, ok?"

"Sure," we all replied together, as everyone else started going in their various ways.

I went and picked my backpack up, then walked off a bit.

After I was sure I was alone, I sat down and pulled out a clean needle already filled with smack. I rolled up my shirt sleeve, revealing fading needle tracks, and looked for a bare spot on my arm. There weren't many, after two years, my arms were pretty used up.

But I finally managed to find a vein I could use, and plunged the needle in, enjoying the light sensation I always felt once the heroin hit my bloodstream and started to work its magic.

It's not that I wanted to be high on this little trip into the Digital World, especially around everyone else. It's just that things were starting to get to me. I was already feeling pressured and out of place, and the only relief I knew was the smack.

Anyways, after throwing the needle back into my pack, I slung it back over my shoulder and headed back towards the clearing.

What I saw when I got there shocked me, but not as much as it might shock a normal person like you or maybe your friends. Unless of course, you're that voice in my head, in which case you wouldn't be shocked at all.

Yamato and Taichi were currently wrapped around each other, lips pressed painfully together in fierce abandon, both kissing each other with such passion that I could almost feel it myself.

Once the shock wore off though, I realized I wasn't really affected by it. Those two had always seemed to have something for each other, ever since the Digital World. It had to have been only a matter of time before they got together.

Approaching the blanket, I coughed delicately, and they reluctantly drew apart, looking up.

"Jyou," Taichi said, blushing slightly.

I shrugged. "I just came back to sleep for a bit. You two can makeout all you want, it doesn't bother me."

Then without so much as a glance at them, I went over and lay down at the opposite end, closing my eyes and losing myself in the floating sensation I always experienced when I went on a high.

I know without a doubt that since I took the smack today, I'm gonna continue taking it almost nonstop until my next appointment with Dr. Kaos, my psychiatrist. Unfortunately, this is not for another three weeks.

He always tells me otherwise, but even I don't deny this fact. I'm just a hopeless junkie. That's one thing I can be honest about, unlike my feelings for Koushiro.

Which, incidentally, Dr. Kaos does NOT know about. Hell, how could I admit them to him when I can't even to myself?

My life is such a nightmare.

Soon I hear someone heading back through the bushes towards the clearing, and the unmistakable sound of Taichi and Yamato separating.

"Hey guys," Sora's voice said. "No one besides you three are here yet?"

I open my eyes, blinking at the sudden brightness, then look over at the others in time to catch Yamato shaking his head.

"Nope," he's saying. "Just us and Jyou."

He had hardly finished saying this when Takeru and Hikari came charging in, respective digimon perched atop the expensive Calvin Klein hat-and please note the sarcasm with which I say this-, or riding along in the bright pink backpack.

It was about that time Koushiro showed up -of course, we all show up at the same time, it makes for great conveniences- Tentomon flying not far behind him.

Taichi looked at his watch.

"Well, it's about time," he told us. "Better start heading for the old castle."

We all nodded, and after grabbing our stuff began following Taichi and Yamato. Along the way Agumon and Gabumon joined us, although I didn't see any sign of Gomamon around.

Great, even my Digimon didn't want to hang around me anymore.

Maybe I really was wrong to come on this trip.

It only brings back painful memories, ones I was doing just fine without.

It doesn't take us long to reach the old castle, the one that had caused so much suffering for Yamato, as well as the rest of us.

Mimi was already there waiting for us when we arrived.

She greeted everyone with a big enthusiastic hug and the usual comments about how much she missed everybody, it was great to see us, blah blah blah.

I hate all that crap. It gets on my nerves.

I was surprised when she threw her arms around me in an overly cheerful hug. It also didn't escape my attention that her hug lingered just a bit longer with me than anyone else. I just hope I was the only one that realized it. The last thing I need were more wise cracks from Yamato about girlfriends and interrupting something.

When Mimi had finished greeting everybody, she turned towards Taichi with a wide smile on her face. "So, what are we doing?"

"Well, we figured you want to see Palmon before we do anything else, and also Gomamon hasn't showed up yet," Taichi suggested.

She sighed dreamily. "Palmon... it's been so long since I've seen her. I can't wait to greet her weedy body again!"

Yamato snorted back a laugh. "Weedy body?"

"What?" Mimi asked defensively. "I don't know of any other way to describe her! Why don't you try? I bet you wouldn't be able to come up with anything!"

"I would too!" he retorted. "If it were me, I'd call her.... uh..." he scrunched up his face, thinking. "I'd call her...uh... well, a .... a weed?" he said somewhat sheepishly, an embarrassed grin on his face.

"Ha! Told you!" Mimi cried triumphantly, flipping her pink hair over her shoulder as she did so.

Everyone except for me laughed.

Finally the laughter subsided, and Taichi suggested we get going if we wanted to find Palmon and Gomamon before the turn of the century.

"We can wait! It's only a few more months, Taichi!" Takeru exclaimed.

This brought more laughter.

"Um guys?" I spoke up timidly.

They all turned to look at me, and Taichi said, "Yes, Jyou?"

I wish they would stop looking at me all the time. I was beginning to feel unnerved in the face of their stares.

"Well, um, can you guys wait on me a moment? There's something I need to do before we get going."

"Sure Jyou," Taichi said, looking curious.

Relieved, I hurried off a little way into the bushes and dropped down so no one would see me, then shot up.

I know, I know. I really shouldn't be taking so much smack, especially not around the others, but I seriously can't help myself.

It makes me feel better, and it's the only thing that keeps me from losing my head.

"Jyou?"

"Ah!" I cried, jumping a little. Then I swore as I plunged the needle too deep into my arm. I didn't do it purpose. I was startled.

"Koushiro," I said, frantically trying to pull the needle out of my arm and hide it before he saw it.

It was too late. I could tell he already saw it by the way his eyes got real huge and all sad looking.

"The others got tired of waiting and went on ahead. They left me behind to wait on you," he said quietly, watching as I struggled to pull the needle out of my arm.

There was no need to be discreet. He'd already seen it.

"Shit," I mumble.

Without saying a word, he comes over and helps me in my struggles.

Eventually we manage to get it out. "Thanks," I mutter, rubbing my sore arm.

There is a long moment of awkward silence, then, with both of us thinking about the last time in the Digital World and neither of us knowing what to say.

My mind is desperately screaming for me to speak up and say something to him, anything so I don't have to sit there and look like a fool.

But the silence is stronger than I am, and so we sit without a word spoken.

"How come you're taking that stuff?" Koushiro asks at long last.

I sigh. "It's a long story," I say.

"I've got time," he tells me, laying down on the ground. "And I won't say anything to anyone else if you don't want me to."

I sighed once more, then lay back as well before beginning to tell my story.

"It happened four years ago. I had been coming home from a doctor's appointment around 11:00 pm or so. It was really dark, one of those nights where there seems to be no moon or stars out. I heard strange noises behind me, noises that sounded suspiciously like footsteps. Already feeling very nervous and scared, I started walking faster, anxious to get home. The footsteps behind me also increased their pace. And then I realized there were more than one set of footsteps. Terrified and panicked, I started to run.

"That's when the people following jumped me, held me down, refusing to let me go. I struggled and screamed and kicked, but they were all stronger than me. I was really scared. I thought I was going to die," I confessed, choking back tears as I relived that horrible night. But I forced myself to continue.

"Then one guy, I guess he was the leader of the gang, he started tearing my clothes off of me. I could hear the taunts and laughter all around me. It infuriated me. I renewed my struggle to get free, all to no avail. As the other guys turned me over and held me down, the leader laughed and raped me, over and over, as well as the six other members of the gang. Every time I was on the verge of fainting, they beat me up to the point of wide awake consciousness.

"After that incident, I became very depressed for a long time. I eventually ran away from home. I was gone for a whole year. I got addicted to heroin and all kinds of other drugs, thanks to the people I hung out with. I screwed about anyone I could lay my hands on, guy or girl. I begin to feel very insecure, and in order to prove myself, I started to steal things. I became a male prostitute, selling my body for a cheap price. I was a drug dealer. I'd go out with the gang and beat people up. I robbed stores of their money. About the only things I stayed away from were murder and rape.

"Finally I got busted ripping off a store, and the cops picked me up and took me down to cool for a night in the slammer. I did a lot of thinking that night in jail, and realized a lot of things for the first time. And the next day when they let me go, I returned straight home and started to get counseling. I'm getting better now, but I'm still addicted to the smack. The only other person that knows besides my psychiatrist is Jim, so please don't tell anyone Koushiro. I'm trying, I really am. It's just so hard."

By now I couldn't stop the tears from streaming freely down my face. Ashamed, I wiped them away but more just kept coming, never ending.

Koushiro remained silent beside me.

I wonder what he's thinking.

Then my eyes open wide in shock as I feel a pair of warm soft lips on mine.

Koushiro's kissing me!

Again!

I respond eagerly, kissing him with fierce abandon, parting my lips slightly as he slides his tongue inside my mouth.

Our hands are all over each other now, touching, exploring.

Barely able to control myself, I yank Koushiro's shirt over his head, ripping it in the process. He grunts but doesn't say anything about it, instead just pulls my own shirt off as well.

It doesn't take long before we our fully unclothed.

I continue kissing him deeply, then trail kisses down his jaw, neck, stomach, stopping just before I get to that part of his body that is craving for attention.

He groans when my mouth leaves his body, but doesn't have time to protest as I twist him around and begin to enter him slowly and with as little pain as possible.

He buries his head in my shoulder, muffling a scream as my erection stretches him. I suppose I should have taken the time to stretch him out gradually with my fingers at first, especially considering I couldn't use lubricant, but I was just too eager.

Once I am fully sheathed, I lay on top of him as he pants heavily, trying to get used to the pain.

Trying to comfort him, I apply gentle kisses all over his body, hoping to take his mind off the pain. Then I start to thrust into him, slow at first but picking up the pace when he hisses at me to go faster, moaning at the pleasure I'm giving him.

Reaching around, I take his straining sex into my hand and began to stroke him, helping him along to his climax. He shivers uncontrollably under my touch, all the while moaning, "Oh God..."

I let out a throaty laugh. "Jyou will be just fine, thanks." I say, making a rare joke.

Suddenly he explodes, cum going all over my hand, his stomach, the grass.

It's not long before my own violent orgasm, my seed released deep inside his body.

With a loud groan, I slowly pull out of Koushiro and flop down on the grass beside him.

Pretty soon we're both fast asleep.

When I wake a few hours later, Koushiro and his clothes are gone. I sit up slowly, disoriented, blinking sleepily.

Then I look around."

"....Koushiro?" I ask timidly.

Where did he go? Why did he leave me?

"Ko-Koushiro?" I try again.

No answer.

A few tears slide down my face as I realize he really did leave me.

Trying to ignore my heavy heart and the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, I crawl over to my clothes and dress slowly.

Then I grab a clean needle out of my backpack and inject myself with some more smack.

I know I shouldn't, but no one except you is going to find out, and you're just a voice in my head, so you don't matter.

Stop telling me it's wrong.

I know it is, but what do you expect? Koushiro had sex with me and then just disappeared.

Of course I'm going to take the heroin.

Just then I hear a voice.

Unless that's you I hear.

"Jyou?"

Guess not.

I turn.

Taichi is staring at me.

I don't say anything, just stare as tears continue to roll down my cheeks.

The needle is clutched tightly in my hand.

"Jyou?" Taichi asks again, then takes a step towards me. He gasps as his eyes focus on the needle in my hand.

"Jyou, where did you get that knife?"

Knife? I frown in confusion. What knife?

Then I realize. I hold out my hand, showing him the needle. "It's not a knife, see? It's just a needle."

"Oh." He sighs, then walks over to me. "Jyou, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

I shrug, not wanting to tell him about Koushiro. "Nothing's wrong," I tell him.

He gives me a Look.

"Yeah right. You're crying and holding a needle of some sort in your hand. Something's wrong, Jyou. What is it?"

"I told you Taichi, nothing's wrong!" I snap.

He looks hurt, but curtly replies, "God, fine, sorry, I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to be concerned about you." Then he glances down at my hand. "What's that needle for?" he asks me.

I flush and thrust the needle into my backpack. "Oh this? Uh, um, oh, I-it's nothing, really!"

He rolled his eyes but didn't say anything, knowing I wasn't going to tell him. Instead he mentioned that it was past noon, the others had been worried about me and we should head back to them.

I listened to him, confused. Didn't Koushiro tell them he had been with me?

No, of course not, another small voice in my head spoke up. Why would he tell everyone he had been with you when he didn't come back with you?

And worse, why would he want to when they would all ask why we had been gone so long?

Did I really think Koushiro would admit to having sex with me?

I don't understand how I am so stupid sometimes.

But anyways, I simply nod to Taichi and start following him back to where the others had settled.

When we get there, Mimi rushes to me with a worried look on her face.

"Jyou!" she cried. "Where were you? I was so worried!"

"Nowhere," I mutter, pretending to stare at my feet. In reality, I was really sneaking glances at Koushiro.

He was working intently on his laptop, not caring to show whether or not he was glad I had finally showed up. Then just as I was about to give up and stare at my feet for real, he casts his eyes sideways towards me.

Our eyes lock.

We continue to stare silently at each other for several long moments while the others voice their concern for me.

I could care less.

All I can think about right now is Koushiro.

Why did he kiss me?

Why did he let me take him?

Why, and this was perhaps the most important why of all, why had he abandoned me?

I mean, I've always known that I've -well, you know-for a long time, subconsciously if not consciously. I've felt like that almost since I met him.

Oh, I didn't l-l-*love* him. Not at first anyways. That took a long time for me to feel like that.

But I had always admired and looked up to him. He was just so smart and cool and he always seemed to remain calm. You could always count on him to provide the rest of us with information that could help us in battle.

Not that he couldn't help either.

In fact, I'd always considered him and Tentomon to be one of the strongest and bravest fighters out of the Chosen.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. That Taichi or Yamato were a whole lot stronger than Koushiro ever was, but it's not true, really.

Yamato is just too easily controlled by the Darkness. He isn't strong enough to always resist it. And Taichi's-well, Taichi is Taichi. He's too bold and rash in his decisions. It would be easy for him to make a mistake.

As for the others; Sora, Mimi, Hikari, Takeru. Well, they're all strong in their own ways, but they don't come close to matching Koushiro. Sora and Mimi are both too easily controlled by their emotions, and Hikari and Takeru were both too young at the time to be able to be considered strong fighters.

Just so you know, I don't mean physical fighters, I mean like mentally.

Tonikaku, back to Koushiro.

I don't think I actually felt strongly about him until that incident four years ago. I don't want to admit it, but the whole time I was being raped, the only thought running through my mind was 'Koushiro, I'm sorry'. Isn't that bad? I didn't even know what I was sorry about. I just was.

I felt like I had betrayed him or something.

Besides, he *did* kiss me when we were leaving the Digital World.

"Jyou?"

I look up, distracted out of my brooding, and realize Takeru is staring into my face. I wonder how long I had been standing there. "Huh?" I managed.

I sneak a peek over at Koushiro and notice he is no longer looking at me, but is instead studying his hands. The expression on his face is blank, not revealing his thoughts.

Mentally I curse, wanting to know what he's thinking. Somehow I don't think it's how much he enjoyed the time with me.

I need the smack.

I suddenly realize Takeru is still talking to me.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I ask him sheepishly.

He lets out an exasperated sigh. "For the third time, I asked you if you really want to stay in the Digital World until late tonight. You don't seem to be having a good time."

"I don't?"

Of course I'm not. But I can't hurt Takeru's feelings.

I mean, what kind of a friend would I be if I told him how miserable this trip is making me?

Not much of one, that's for sure.

Although I'm not that much better of a friend to the Chosen right now anyways.

"He's gone again," Takeru sighed.

"I am not!" I protested, catching that comment. "I just got caught up in the moment, that's all!"

"What moment?"

Yamato grinned, and I knew I wasn't going to like he was about to say.

"I bet you were thinking about having sex with that girlfriend you don't have," he joked.

"For the last time, I don't have a fucking girlfriend!" I screamed at him. "I'm gay, I don't even like girls! So just leave me the hell alone!"

They were all staring at me in shock.

At first I didn't know why, I hadn't realized I had just accidentally come out to them.

Then I went back over the words I had just said and it hit me.

"Oh shit..."

Backing away from them, my eyes wide, I fumbled for my backpack behind me. Once I had it, I tore out of that clearing like my life depending on it.

Then a few feet away I stopped, even though I was still within their seeing range, and practically ripped my backpack open, yanking out yet another needle and hastily shooting up.

(I don't even want to tell you how much heroin I brought with me.)

Not like it matters now.

Already I am feeling calm, peaceful.

What was I so upset about hours ago?

Or was it hours?

My mind tells me it was a lifetime ago, but I get the impression it was minutes....no, hours....maybe it was days?

But that can't be right, can it? ....Or.... can it.....not..... I don't know... what's going on?

I feel.... wrong, somehow... Koushiro.... something ... happened ... about him... it made me upset..... or did it? ..I think it did. Maybe not.

Oh God, I feel wrong.

I'm flying.

Through the air.

The ground is rushing towards me.

I wonder why.

It's very fast.

Maybe I'm not flying.

I'm falling.

Everything is black.

It's still black.

No, wait.

There's a tiny prick of light.

It's at the end of the tunnel.

But when did I end up in a tunnel?

I don't know.

I want to leave.

It's too dark.

I must head towards the opening of the tunnel.

There's light there.

And it's warmer as I'm getting nearer.

I hear voices.

Are they waiting for me at the end of this dark, damp place?

Is .....

Koushiro....

Is he waiting for me?

But why do I care?

Why should I want him to be there?

I think.... something happened.

Between us.

Between me and Koushiro.

Something good.

But then he hurt me.

How?

I don't remember.

Don't think about it.

Just head towards the light.

The light is my savior.

"Jyou?"

"Oh thank God, he's waking!"

"Jyou, you're awake!"

"Huh?" I mutter groggily, trying to sit up.

It doesn't work.

A feeling of dizziness overtakes me, and I cry out, leaning back in my bed again.

Wait, this isn't my bed. I don't remember having white sheets.

Where am I?

"Jyou?"

Someone is leaning over me. I can see their face. It's blurry, but yet it's somehow familiar. I know I have seen it before, but where?

"Jyou, it's me, Dr. Kaos. Can you hear me?"

"Dr. ... Kaos?" I mutter, wincing as the pounding in my head seems to intensify.

"Jyou?"

"What happened?" I asked. I don't remember. My mind is a blank.

"You overdosed," Dr. Kaos told me gently. "Luckily your friends were there to save you."

"Overdosed?" I was confused. "Overdosed on what?" I don't take drugs, do I?

"Heroin."

"Oh," I started to say calmly. Then the full impact of what Dr. Kaos was saying hit me.

"What?" I yelped. "You mean I almost killed myself with a overdose of heroin?!"

He just gave me a strange look. I think he was saying something else, but I couldn't hear him. I was overwhelmed with a dizzy feeling. But it was different. The world wasn't spinning around me or anything. Rather, I felt like I was swaying.1 And what made it worse was that I was already laying down, so doing that wouldn't make it go away. I feared I would faint any minute. Dr. Kaos was still speaking, but that no longer mattered. He was just a voice in the distance. The only thing I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears. My head was pounding, as if one of you voices grew feet and decided to up and run a mile or two.

Then, surprisingly, the feeling passed, and Dr. Kaos was leaning over me, the worry on his face quite visible.

"Jyou? Are you okay? What happened?" he questioned me.

"I....I don't feel so well," I mumbled, right before everything went gray.

When I woke next, the room seemed to be dark. I looked over at where I remembered seeing a window last. The curtains were drawn, but I could tell outside the sky was black.

I glanced around. Dr. Kaos was nowhere in sight, but over on one of the hardbacked hospital chairs, I spotted Koushiro sleeping fitfully, drying tear tracks on his cheeks. He was tossing and turning under a blanket I assume a nurse brought him, and every once in awhile he'd mutter something unintelligible.

I felt tears begin to gather in my eyes, and I wiped them away, not wanting to cry right now. I had a feeling there would be plenty of time for that later.

But still, I was touched. As hard as he tried not to show it, Koushiro obviously cared for me. That much was evident in the fact that he was sleeping on an impossible hospital chair in my room right now, not to mention the tears on his cheeks.

I wondered how he reacted when I had overdosed today. Or was it yesterday? I don't even know right now. And I don't really care right now. All I know is that I want to kick myself right about now.

I was completely stupid in front of everybody. Not only did I let them know I was -was... well, you know! -but I also showed them that I'm nothing except a hopeless druggie, endlessly addicted to smack. And then I had almost killed myself. Jyou no baka. How could I have done that? Especially to Koushiro. I don't even want to think how much I must have hurt him today.

But he hurt you too, that second voice in my head said. Remember? He left you right after you had sex with him. Would someone that really cares about you do that to you?

Yes! He does too care about me! And we didn't just have sex. We made love! There's a difference!

If he cares about you, he wouldn't have left you all alone, then ignored you later on.

No! That's not true! He cares about me, I know he does. He was probably just confused before.

Sure, Jyou. He was confused. That's all.

But it was, I protested weakly. That's all it was.

"Allright Jyou, tell me what happened." Dr. Kaos said gently.

It's three days later, I'm at Dr. Kaos's office for an emergency counseling session, and I was just released from hell a few hours ago.

Koushiro stayed there all that time, but he never spoke to me. I didn't speak to him either.

I was too scared.

I'm such a fucking pansy.

"Jyou?" Dr. Kaos persisted.

I looked up. "Huh?"

"I said, tell me what happened. What caused you to overdose?"

"The fact that I was taking the smack almost constantly all day until I OD'd and almost died."

"Allright.... that's a start. But if you want to get anywhere in stopping this addiction, you might want to start from the beginning."

I sighed. "Do I have to?"

"Yes, Jyou."

"Aw man," I whined. I sighed again. I paused for a moment. "I don't know how to begin," I said truthfully.

"Why don't we start with that morning?"

"Because it goes back waaaaaa~aaay before that," I told him. "I suppose it really began when I was twelve. That year, I went to a summer camp. While I was there, I met these six other kids. Yagami Taichi, 11, Ishida Yamato, 11, Takaishi Takeru, 8, Takenouchi Sora, 11, Tachikawa Mimi, 10, and Izumi Koushiro, 10." My voice had a tender quality to it when I mentioned Koushiro, and Dr. Kaos picked up on it.

"You have special feelings for this boy Koushiro, do you not?"

I nodded, bright red. "Yes. I can't ever admit it to myself but I do lo- you know. I can't say it. I never have been able to. Not even in my head."

"You love him?" he asked quietly.

I nodded again. "Yes."

"Allright, go on."

"Okay." I then went on to explain briefly to him about the Digital World.

"I see," he said when I finished. "So you were one of the kids that saved the Earth six years ago. I remember when that happened."

"Yeah," I told him. "But then, when it was over, I never saw the rest of the seven others anymore. They were all wrapped up in their own lives and each other to remember about me. Even Koushiro, who had kissed me the last few moments we were together in the Digital World, seemed to have forgotten about me.

"But I never forgot about him. I seemed to spend more and more time thinking about him. It was like I was obsessed with him. The less I saw of him, the more of him I craved. He was in my thoughts during the day and in my dreams at night. He never left my mind.

"Then four years ago I got raped-you know the story, after all, it's how I met you-and I knew then just how much I cared for Koushiro because all through the ordeal, all I thought of was him.

"Anyways, to the present as of a few days ago. Well, actually, it was the same day I had my last appointment with you," I said. "I had just gotten home in time to answer the phone.

"It was Yamato who called. He invited me to a get together with all the Chosen. We were gonna spend the whole day in the Digital World. I agreed after a bit, kinda anxious about the prospect of seeing Koushiro again."

"Why were you nervous about seeing Koushiro?" Dr. Kaos interrupted me.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Because," I said. "I hadn't seen him in six years, and the last time we were together, he kissed me. I didn't know what he meant by that or how he may have felt about me or why he never attempted to keep in touch with me."

"Had it ever occurred to you to try to contact him?" he asked me.

"I was too afraid," I confessed, bowing my head. "I couldn't bring myself to face him. And after I was raped and ran off and got in so much trouble, ..well then, I was just ashamed. A lot of people at school knew about it, and I'm sure he did too. Of course, it turns out that he didn't, but at the time, I didn't know that."

"I see. Well, let's go to the Digital World. What happened after you met your friends that day?"

"Well, everyone said they were glad to see me, and Yamato teased me about having a girlfriend. That's because when he called the other day, I had been running, and when I answered the phone, I was breathless, so he thought I had been doing something with a girl."

"Did this upset you?"

"Very much. I was already nervous about being around Koushiro, and the fact that Yamato wouldn't shut up about my non existent girlfriend combined with the fact that Koushiro hadn't said anything to me did nothing to relieve my anxiety.

"Tonikaku, after I had greeted everybody, we went to the Digital World. Almost as soon as we got there I shot up. I was very stressed out, and I didn't want to deal with it. Then a short while later, we went to meet up with Mimi, who had to get from the Digital World from New York. Well, we met her okay and everything, but I had a craving for heroin again, so I asked everybody to wait a minute, then went in to the bushes and shot up again.

"Then Koushiro showed up. He startled me, and I got the needle a little to deep. After struggling in vain, Koushiro came over and helped me get it out. Then...." I paused, remembering those moments.

I don't think I'll ever forget them. That sad, scared look in Koushiro's eyes.... it tore my heart to pieces. I felt so bad because I knew that I had somehow hurt him. Like I had failed him.

"Then?" Dr. Kaos prompted.

I let out a sigh. "Then he asked me why I was taking the heroin. So I told him. That whole sorry story, I told him every bit. Afterwards..." I blushed. This was the embarrassing part, but as it led up to why I overdosed, I couldn't leave it out.

"Afterwards, I was crying, and I had my eyes closed, wondering what Koushiro was thinking since he wasn't saying anything.

"And that's when he kissed me.

"I kissed him back, and one thing just led to another. We couldn't seem to stop, it was just like-I don't know- it's just" I shrugged helplessly, embarrassed and at a loss for words.

"So what are you saying Jyou?" Dr. Kaos asked me. "Did you simply make out or did you have sex with him?"

"The latter."

I was blushing profusely by now.

"So you had sex with him," he stated, as if to make sure.

I nodded my head up and down. "When it was over, we both just kind of drifted off to sleep, but when I woke up later, he was gone, and so were his clothes. Taichi found me there, however, while I was injecting myself with some more smack. He didn't ask, though, and I didn't offer. Instead, we just went back to where the others were. The others all asked me stuff like where was I and everything, but I don't recall really answering them. I just remember thinking about Koushiro, and Takeru making some comment about me not listening. Then Yamato made another joke about me having sex with that girlfriend, and I think I totally lost it. I'm not really sure, things are hazy here," I told him uncertainly, mouth twisted in concentration.

"I don't know exactly what happened, but I know I yelled at Yamato. I yelled something about stop saying that, I don't have a girlfriend, I'm gay, and after that...... I think I ran.

"I don't believe I got very far though. I can remember stopping, and fumbling with my backpack, trying to get another needle out with everybody staring at me.... I managed to shoot up, I think. No, I must have, because then everything was so strange to me. I felt like I was falling, or something. The ground suddenly seemed a lot closer... everything was dark... someone put me in a tunnel.. there was light at the end. I went towards it..

"Then I woke up and I was in the hospital with you standing over me. I don't know how I got to there, or who found me in the tunnel, or how I got out, or even out of the tunnel. I just remember being in a dark tunnel."

"Jyou?" a tentative voice came.

I looked up. Mimi was standing in the doorway to my bedroom. I was home alone, so I wondered how she got in. Then I realized Jim had probably gone off and left the door unlocked again.

"Can I come in?" she asked, looking timid.

"Sure," I sighed, gesturing to my bed. "Come on in."

"Thanks." She walked in, shutting the door behind her, and sat on my bed.

"So what's up?" I asked her after a moment of silence.

She fidgeted uncomfortably for a few minutes, but finally came out with it. "Jyou, what's going on between you and Koushiro?"

I jumped a mile high, I swear I did.

"Nothing's going on between us," I told her nervously. "Why do you ask?"

She glared at me. "Liar. I saw the way you two were around each other in the Digital World, and I also saw how he acted when you overdosed. He totally freaked out, crying and yelling your name. Then he wouldn't ever leave the hospital, not even after you woke. But he wouldn't speak to you. Why? What's going on?" Then she said something else in English I couldn't understand, but I didn't bother to ask about it.

I was too busy thinking about Koushiro.

I don't understand him. Does he like me or not? Because he keeps kissing me, he let me make love to him, he freaked out when I overdosed, he stayed by my side in the hospital, but he won't hardly ever speak to me.

"Jyou?"

"I-I don't know," I said truthfully. "I think he likes me, but I'm not sure. I'm getting mixed emotions from him."

"Well do you like him?"

"Yes," I whisphered. "I like him a lot. But I'm too afraid to tell him. I'm too afraid of being rejected."

"Jyou? Jyou, don't leave me! Please! I'm sorry! Please, come back...Jyou..."

I'm running, ignoring him. My feet pound loudly on the asphalt, echoing in the empty alleyway.

I sneak a glance behind me, back at Koushiro. He's standing in the doorway to his apartment, crying. Even from this distance, I can see the tears glistening on his cheeks. As I watch, he turns and goes back into the apartment, shutting the door behind him.

I run on blindly, crying, ignoring the constricting feeling in my chest, trying not to imagine a string being wrapped tightly around my heart, then being pulled as hard it can. That's about how I feel.

Suddenly I let out a cry as I bump into someone standing directly in front of me.

I am knocked to my feet from the force of the impact, and around me I can hear a bunch of guys laughing.

"Well, well, well. Lookit what we got here. Fresh meat."

I stare up at six hulking guys, terrified out of my mind. Their clean shaven heads and mean looking tattoos scare me, but not as much as what I spot in their hands.

Knives.

As I continue to stare at them, terrified, one guy reaches down and grabs me by the crotch and shoulder, hoisting me up off the ground. He turns me round, studying me.

I struggle to get free, but he is hitting me now. I find myself back on the ground. All the guys are beating on me.

All of a sudden my pants are yanked off of me.

Roughly I am flipped over.

I start to scream, knowing what is coming, begging for him to stop....

He's entering me...no...I scream and scream...please stop....Koushiro, I'm sorry...

"Jyou! Wake up Jyou! Stop screaming!"

"No!" I scream, thrashing my arms about wildly. "No stop! Don't hurt me! Don't do this! Please don't!"

"Jyou!" someone yells, shaking me.

I squint at the face looming over my own.

"....Jim?" I ask hesitantly.

"Jyou, thank God!" Jim exclaims. "You were having a nightmare."

"A... nightmare?" I mutter, sitting up in confusion.

He nodded, relieved to see I was allright. "Yeah. It must have been real bad, the way you were screaming. I was worried about you. Are you okay?"

"Yeah.... yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry about it Jim."

"Allright." Then he left.

After he was gone, I sat there thinking about it.

That nightmare had seemed so real. It always did. There was nothing unusual about this reoccurring nightmare, except for one thing.

Koushiro....

Why had he shown up in my dream? That had never happened before.

And why was he yelling for me to come back?

Why had I run from him? What was he apologizing for?

This is all so confusing.

"Jim?" I call.

He appears in the doorway immediately. "Yeah?"

"C-Can I talk to you?"

His face takes on a concerned look, and he comes over and sits on my bed again.

Suddenly I have reverted back to a scared and confused thirteen year old....

"Jim?"

"Yeah, Jyou?"

"What if you like someone a whole lot but don't know how to tell them because you don't know how they feel about you?"

"Err... I guess.. you'd try to figure out how they felt about you like looking for little hints, or maybe experimenting a little. Like, try sitting closer to her than you normally do, or maybe invite her to the movies and then hold her hand or something. And if she doesn't seem to mind, tell her how you feel and hopefully she'll like you back."

I nodded. "But what if it's a guy?"

"Err.." his new favorite phrase. "A guy?"

"It's just hypothetical." That was a lie. But I had to reassure him somehow.

I sensed him relax slightly.

"I guess.... the same things. Why do you ask?"

"Well.... there's this person I know. I met them at summer camp, and while we were on that Digital adventure two years ago, we became really close. Then, when it was over, I got kissed. By this person. And since then, I haven't seen the person or talked to the person since."

"Well do you like this person?"

"I don't know!" I wailed. "I thought I did, but I haven't seem them in a year, and I'm beginning to have second thoughts.

"I mean, I'm so confused!"

"Why?"

Point blank.

"Because, this person is... well, this person....this person would not be under what's considered normal persuasion."

"In other words, this person's a guy and you're not sure whether you're really gay and that you like him, or if you just miss his friendship because you haven't seen him in a year. Am I right?"

"Err..." Now it was my phrase.

"Well, what do you feel when your around him?"

"Err..." Us Kido brothers should make this a trademark phrase. "Well.. when I first met and I was around him, it was weird. I was happy, at peace being around him. I admired him like crazy. Then everything changed. This girl Mimi, she liked me, liked being around me and everything. I thought I would be happy, finally someone liked me. But instead of wanting to be around her, I found myself trying to avoid her. I'd make up excuses. Lot of the times I'd go hang with Koushiro, which is who I think I like. Then it got... strange. Being around Koushiro, I mean. I'd feel nervous and slightly nauseous, as if I was always on the verge of throwing up. I never knew what to say around him anymore, my tongue was tied in knots along with my stomach. I'd feel so fluttery and giddy around him. It scared me. Then I realized it for what it was. And all during our time in the Digital World, I'd pick up little ... hints.. from him. The very last day before we returned to earth, the last day I saw him a year ago, he.. he kissed me. Then he never saw me since."

I can remember that day so clearly, every little minute detail. The way I had been hunched up on the bed, wanting to cry but for some reason not being able to, the way the blankets had been stretched tightly over the bed because Mom had put them on not two days ago. How Jim had walked by my room and seen me sitting perfectly still on my bed, eyes glazed over as if I had been a thousand miles away. How I had jumped when he spoke my name. Every little aspect of that day was engraved on my brain, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

And now here I am again, sitting on my bed with Jim next to me, about to bare my soul.

Oh shit.

I just realized.

Jim's still looking at me expectantly.

I forgot all about him.

It's the damn medicine. Sometimes it causes my mind to drift.

One of these days I'm gonna flush the damn things down the toilet.

I certainly won't miss them.

Oh hell, here I go wandering off track again.

First things first, answer my brother.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry about that. I kinda drifted."

"I understand. Now, something you wanted to talk to me about?"

I nodded hesitantly. "Hai. It-It's about Koushiro."

He nodded knowingly.

Forever the understanding brother, laugh out loud.

Like it's really all that funny.

Sometimes I wonder about myself.

"Did something happen between you and Koushiro?" he asked me.

"Sorta..." I confessed, then nervously went on to tell him everything that happened since Yamato had called me that day, ending with the nightmare that had forced him to wake me up.

When I finally shut up, I looked at him expectantly.

Nervously too.

I mean, he's know I'm ..of the other persuasion for four years now, but I've never really known how he's felt about it.

I have no idea how he'll react to me and Koushiro having sex.

Lucky for me he takes it well enough, although that could just be an act. Of course, he doesn't really have anything to say. I'm okay with it though. I was mostly just looking for a sympathetic ear, and Jim just happened to be my scapegoat. I'm just glad he doesn't have a problem with my sexual preferences, because otherwise I wouldn't have a sympathetic ear.

Unless of course, he's pretending to be okay with it. I don't entirely trust him. I guess I haven't really trusted him in a long time. I haven't trusted anybody. After I was raped, trust became less of a belief and more of just another meaningless word. It's sad, but I can't help it. I've just learned to trust no one, that's all.

Two days after the nightmare, and I'm still a wreck. I can't figure out that thing with Koushiro. Why had I run from him? I don't recall ever seeing him the same night I got raped. In fact, I don't remember seeing him anytime after the Digital World, except maybe in brief passing.

God it's getting on my nerves!! Why can't I figure it out? If it really happened, I should be able to remember it.

And since I can't, that means it's just a dream.

Right?

Damn medicine. Curses. I really despise my life.

Suddenly my stereo switched to the next CD, and I jumped, startled. Yamato's voice started singing.

"Totsuzen yatte kuru shoutai..."

I recognized the song right away. It was Tobira, the song he had did with his band about three years ago. I don't know why I had bought the CD when it came out. I hadn't talked to Yamato in three years. But I liked the song. I felt like I could relate to it somewhat. It reminded me of my own song, the one I had made up when I had been really down a few years back.

"....hashiridasou dare no tame demo naku tomaretteru yori mashi dakara

"Toumei na kuuki kirisaite mabushii ano umi ni mukatte

"Oh keep on running keep on running

"Find out your reality

"Atarashii tobira no mae de gusugusu shiteru hima wa nai

"Josou tsukete tobidasou ze sono tobira keriagete

"kimi datte kitto dekira

"kitto tadoritsukeru kara..."

Yamato's song ended, and I stopped the stereo and opened the disc changer. Then I went to a little hidden compartment on the headboard of my bed and took out a CD case. Inside was the CD I had paid money to record at a studio with my song on it.

I put it in the disc changer and closed it, then started the song.

"Wakattetan da ki zuiteta yo ---I knew, I'd realized

"Honto ni yaritai koto ---What it was I really wanted to do

"Demo, megane no ushiro ni ---But I hid

"Nige konde ita ---Behind my glasses

"Kekka ga wakatte iru no ni ---If you know what the outcome will be

"Doushite yarun darou? ---Then why bother?

"Sou omotteta kedo ---That's what I used to think

"Jibun no te de kaerareru koto wa ---There are plenty of things

"Takusan arun da yo~o" ---That you can change yourself

Just then Mom knocked on the door.

"What?" I yelled irritably, pausing my song. Just when I was starting to get into the song and forget about Koushiro and that stupid dream.....

"Jyou! Phone!"

That's funny.

I don't remember hearing the phone ring.

It's the damn medicine again. I told you it screws with my senses.

"Who is it?" I yelled back.

"I don't know, some boy!"

Some boy?

I could feel my heart jump to my mouth.

Koushiro?

In nervous anticipation, I leaned over and picked up the extension in my room, clumsily falling off my bed with a loud THUD! in the process.

"Hello?" I said impatiently.

"Um... Jyou?"

It was Yamato's voice.

Automatically my heart took a suicidal plunge back down my windpipe and in to my stomach.

"Oh, hey... Yamato."

"Hey. Um.. listen... well.."

He sounded uncomfortable, and I knew why.

"Um... I need to talk to you.."

"Err..." I said, making use of an old phrase. "Now?"

"Yeah, if that's okay with you. Um... can you come over to my apartment? My Dad is on a -uh- a business trip, so he's not here right now."

"Err... I guess so. I'll let my mom know, and I'll be right over...er, okay?"

"Um.. yeah, sure. So, um, see you then?"

"Yeah. Well, uh, bai."

"Yeah, bai." He hung up.

I sighed, hanging up my own phone, then switching it over to my own line.

"Mom, I'm going out for a bit, allright?" I called to her.

"Allright. Be careful. Bai."

And that was that.

She didn't even care to ask where I was going and whether I would be okay.

Although, it's not like she really has that much reason to worry about me.

I had never told I got raped, or all that shit I was mixed up when I ran away, or that I take heroin.

She still doesn't know I overdosed.

Hell, she doesn't even know I see a psychiatrist.

But it's not because she doesn't care for me. It's just because I don't want her to know, that's all. I mean, why worry her unnecessarily?

When Yamato let me in, he still sounded incredibly uncomfortable. He was visibly nervous too. I bet not many people besides Taichi really got to see him like this.

Anyways, to make a long story short, he invited me in, offered me a drink which I declined, told me to sit down on the couch, and got right to the point.

"Jyou, um, listen, uh... I just, -well, see, I just wanted to um-"

Okay, maybe not right to the point. Allright, nowhere near the point at all.

"What I wanted to say was uh.. well, you see... I-" then he stops, takes a deep breath, and speaks again. "Jyou, I wanted to say I'm sorry."

I stared, in nothing short of shock.

After a long while, I smiled.

I mean, I really smiled.

It wasn't one of those fake, yes I'll pretend to be okay for your sake but I'm really not smiles, and it wasn't one of those I know I'm supposed to so I might as well less I be deemed an inconsiderate asshole smiles.

It was a real, genuine, honest-to-god smile.

"Why are you sorry, Yamato?" I asked him softly. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

He looked surprised. "Sure I do. All that time I kept saying those things about you and some girl and I didn't even know-didn't suspect- that you were gay. I mean, hell, if I'da known, I wouldn't have teased you like that. So I'm sorry for everything I said."

"Well, apology accepted, even though I don't think I deserve it. I overreacted, got more upset because I was hurt about something else. But thank you anyways."

He smiled back at me, and in that moment we were friends again.

"JYOU! Come back! Jyou? Jyou, don't leave me! Please! I'm sorry! Please, come back...Jyou..."

Once again I'm running. And once again, I'm ignoring him. I run on until I come to the empty alleyway.

I snuck a glance behind me, back at Koushiro, as I ran. He was standing in the doorway to his apartment, crying, just like the first time. I could still see the tears glistening on his cheeks from the distance. But then he turned and went back into the apartment, shutting the door behind him.

The painful feelings in my heart are there. Everything is happening all over again, just like the first time.

Suddenly I let out a cry as I bump into someone standing directly in front of me.

I am knocked to my feet from the force of the impact, and around me I can hear a bunch of guys laughing.

"Well, well, well. Lookit what we got here. Fresh meat."

I stare up at six hulking guys, terrified out of my mind. Their clean shaven heads and mean looking tattoos scare me, but not as much as what I spot in their hands.

Knives.

However, that's not the worst. I recognize these guys and I remember this scene. I know what's going to happen next.

As I continue to stare at them, terrified, one guy reaches down and grabs me by the crotch and shoulder, hoisting me up off the ground. He turns me round, studying me.

I struggle to get free, but he is hitting me now. I find myself back on the ground. All the guys are beating on me.

All of a sudden my pants are yanked off of me.

Roughly I am flipped over.

I start to scream, knowing what is coming, begging for him to stop....

He's entering me...no...I scream and scream...please stop....Koushiro, I'm sorry...

Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?

I can't... remember....

I'm still screaming....

"Jyou? Jyou, are you okay man! Hey, snap out of it! What's wrong man! JYOU!!!"

"...Ya-ma-to?" I say slowly, enunciating each syllable.

"Jyou, thank God! You scared me to death! What in hell was that?"

I didn't answer him, just sat there and stared off into space.

Once again, I had the same nightmare. Me running from Koushiro into the dark alley, getting raped by that gang....

But why had I run from him in the first place? What had we said or done before I ran? Why can't I remember?

"Jyou? Jyou, don't tune out on me!" Yamato warned.

I looked over at him blankly. "Huh?"

He sighed. "Jyou! Just.. pay attention to me ok? Don't fall asleep again."

"I fell asleep?" I asked him, confused.

~Well duh stupid. How else do you think you had that nightmare?~ a little voice in my head said. I think it was Fred said it. I'm not sure. The voice I named Fred and the voice I named George sounded a lot alike. I think they're cousins. And they're Americans. Hence the American names.

"Well, excuse me for forgetting!" I shot back at Fred. "But I had more pressing matters at the moment, such as analyzing the nightmare!"

~hmph.~ Fred pouted. ~Nobody said you had to analyze that stupid dream.~

"Yeah? Well I said it."

"Yeah, you fell asleep while we were talking," Yamato said, completely unawares of the argument I was having with Fred within my mind. "I didn't want to disturb you, you looked exhausted and I thought you could use the sleep. Until you started screaming of course," he added, eyes twinkling. "Then I figured you might want to be woken."

"Uh.. thanks," I said.

~Fine. Ignore me then.~ Fred said huffily. ~See if I ever talk to you again.~

"You think that would bother me? Hell I'd be glad if you left me alone!"

~you say that now.~

"Whatever," I said, but Fred had apparently gone back to sleep, because I got no answer.

"So what scared you so bad?" Yamato inquired cheerfully, probably planning to tease me a little.

He definitely is the same Yamato I knew six years ago. That Yamato was quiet and depressed looking. This Yamato is cheerful and outgoing.

But I wasn't about to tell him about my nightmare.

"It's none of your business," I said, a little more harshly than I meant to.

"Hey, sorry," he said, hurt welling up in his eyes. "I was just asking. I didn't mean to upset you."

Great. We just became friends again and I'm already mad at him.

I sighed. "Sorry, I didn't mean that. The dream just upset me some, that's all."

Lie. I lie. That's not all. But it's all he needs to know.

"Hey, it's okay. I used to have nightmares too. I understand if you don't want to talk about them," he said softly.

"Uh.. thanks," I said surprised. How many sides does this guy have to him? "Well, look, I gotta be going. I don't want my mom to worry or anything."

"Sure. No problem. Bai Jyou!"

"Bai Yamato!" I called back as I left.

God he confuses me. He's got such an interesting personality. I'm seeing parts of him that were never brought out when we were in the Digital World years ago.

Actually, now that I think about, all the Chosen seemed to have changed. Koushiro the most. Well, next to me.

Koushiro.

I can't even think about him without feeling pain.

I don't even know where I stand with him anymore! At the very first, he was a friend. Then he was a guy who seemed to return my feelings. Then we were separated for six years. And everything changed. He's so damned confusing! Like hot and cold running water, that's how his feelings for me seem to be. One minute he acts like he loves me, the next he hates me.

WHERE DO WE STAND??

I need some more smack.

"Jyou?" Jim's voice called through my closed bedroom door.

Shit!

My eyes widen in panic. Quickly I finish up with the heroin and pull the needle back out. But I'm not quick enough. Before I get a chance to hide the damn thing, Jim's done opened the door and walked in my bedroom.

"Uh, Jim, what are you doing here?" I asked nervously, bringing my arm inconspicuously behind my back.

Jim narrows his eyes at me. "I thought you said you weren't taking the smack anymore," he accused.

I stared at the bed. "I never said that. I just said I'd try."

"Oh? And just how well have you tried?"

"The best I can! It's hard Jim! Get off my case about it!" I shouted angrily. "What do you want anyways?"

Jim glared at me. "Why should I tell you? You're gonna treat me like that."

"Jim just tell me," I told him exasperatedly.

God, why did he have to go to college here? Why couldn't he go somewhere else? I wouldn't care where, just as long as he was far enough away to live in a dorm.

Damn my parents. It's their cheap ways that is the cause of Jim's presence here.

"I don't want to," Jim said stubbornly, making me remember there was a reason I was mad at him.

"Jim dammit!" I cried. "You came in here and interrupted me so you better damn well tell me!"

He let out a hmph. "Fine," he said, crossing his arms across his chest and pouting, as if he was some three year old instead of an adult. "I just came to tell you that Koushiro stopped by earlier, looking for you."

"He did?!" I spluttered. "And I've been home for thirty minutes and you're just now telling me?!"

"Yeah..."

"Bastard! You know how much I like Koushiro!"

Jim shrugged, apparently not caring. "Sorry," he said indifferently.

Gah! I could kill him! Oh, I hope Koushiro's not mad at me or anything.

God, the one time he actually chances to talk to me, and I'm not even home!

Curse the fates.

Without another word (but not without a dirty glance thrown over my shoulder) I run out of the room and down the hall, tossing a hurried "bye I'll be back soon" to my mother, then raced out the door.

Yes, I know, you probably think I'm crazy, don't you?

Rushing over to Koushiro's like that before I even called to see what he wanted, or if he was even home.

But I didn't think about that.

All I thought about was going to see Koushiro.

I guess I'm a little obsessed with him.

But you would be too!

I mean, not seeing him for six years, and then when I do, I end up having sex with him. And then he deserts me. But he freaks out when I OD.

I still can't figure him out.

It's either he likes me or he doesn't.

What do you think? You're a voice in my head, you seem to have all the answers. So what do you make of this one?

Oh, staying silent, eh?

So I guess you don't have the answers to everything then.

I reached Koushiro's place, completely out of breath and sweating like crazy. He lives twenty minutes away and I ran the whole time.

Koushiro himself answers my knock on the door, and when he sees who it is, his eyes widen.

We stare at each other for a few moments, both wanting to say something but not knowing what.

The silence grows and still we are tongue tied. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable under what feels like a harsh gaze.

At last he drops his eyes from me and breaks the silence.

"Ano.. Jyou.. what are you doing here?" he asks softly.

I almost melt at hearing his kawaii voice again. I hadn't heard it in awhile, and I missed it. Hell, I missed him, period.

So maybe I'm more than a little obsessed with him.

"Err.. my brother said you stopped by earlier. My house, that is." I laughed nervously, halfway wishing that small amount of smack I took would kick in. Then maybe I'd feel relaxed enough to be myself around Koushiro, and not act like a damned idiot.

"Ano.. hai. I did. I just.. I just.. wanted to see how you were doing, that's all," he replied quietly, studying the concrete.

Can't you look at me Koushiro?

"Oh.. well... I'm doing fine. Not great, but... but good."

Oh yeah, that sounded just great.

"Well, that's.. that's good. Anyways, I gotta... I got something do to on my computer.. so.. so bai." He started to shut the door.

"Koushiro, wait!" I said quickly before he could.

"Yeah?" he asked, almost hopefully it seemed. But that could have been just me.

"Err... we need to talk," I said, stumbling over the words.

Now he finally looked at me. I was startled by the fear I saw in his eyes.

"About what?" he asked me, and when he spoke I detected a slight tremble in his voice.

"About... stuff. Should we go somewhere to talk?"

"I-iie, my room is fine. Come on," he said, motioning for me to come in.

I did, looking around kind of cautiously. This was the first time I had ever been in his house. I noticed there were lots of boxes around, and briefly wondered if he had moved in recently.

As if reading my mind, Koushiro explained almost apologetically, "We just moved here a few weeks ago, so the house is still in the process of being unpacked and furnished."

"Oh," I said as I followed him upstairs to his room.

His was the only room in the house I saw that didn't have boxes everywhere, so I'm guessing he went ahead and unpacked everything right away.

"E-eto... you can sit on my bed," he offered graciously while he sat in the chair at his desk.

"Allright," I said. After a hesitant moment, I did so.

Like before at the door, we once again lapsed into silence.

God I hate this!

I have so many things I want to say to him. There's just so much inside of me right now, so many things I'm feeling, so many things I want to say, and I don't even know how!

I swear I'm gonna go crazy. I don't know what to expect from Koushiro anymore. I don't even know if I ever really did to begin with.

"So... what'd you wanna talk about?" Koushiro asked at last, once again being the first to break the silence.

"Err... well... you see.." I stuttered as I blushed and looked down in my lap, my hair falling so that it concealed my face.

"Well?" he urged.

"Koushiro, where do we stand with each other?" I blurted out.

He looked away. Why, I don't exactly know. All I know is that it hurt me, made me fear he didn't feel anything for me at all, despite everything we did.

"I... what do you mean?"

"I mean, where do we stand? What do you feel for me?"

"Feel for you?"

Mou! He's making this impossible!

"Hai. How do you feel about me? I mean, we used to be friends. Then you kissed me and never saw me again until a few weeks ago."

"Never.. saw you? What are... ah, nevermind."

I stared at him, confused. Was he implying that maybe I did see him or something? When? And why wouldn't I remember it? What is he talking about?

..waitasec. That.. that dream! Maybe it's more than just a dream..

"Yeah, you never saw me," I said, going with what I had always thought until recently. I mean, that could just be a dream after all. "You never saw me, and then when you finally did, you didn't talk to me and you would barely even look at me. Then you kissed me again and let me... you know...-" I broke off, flushing. "And now you're ignoring me again," I finished up hastily.

"I..."

"Well? Do you like me or not? I can't figure you out!"

"What do you mean, you can't figure me out?!" he shouted suddenly, startling me suddenly. "You know perfectly well how I feel about you! Don't lie to me! I'm tired of you lying and pretending all the time! I should be the one asking you all the questions, not the other way around!"

"Woah..." I raised a hand, trying to wipe the shocked look of my face.

"Koushiro, what are you talking about? I'm not lying or pretending anything. What's going on?"

"Don't you remember?" Koushiro whisphered, a few tears trailing down his cheeks.

I looked at him uncertainly, surprised at his shifting emotions.

"Remember what? I don't understand."

"No you wouldn't, would you?" he snapped bitterly. "You probably just blocked it out, not even thinking about how it would affect me."

What in hell was he talking about? Did that dream I have really happen?

"Koushiro, I don't know what you're talking about. I have an idea, thanks to some reoccurring dream I've been having lately, but I don't even know if that was a dream or not."

"Dream?"

"Yeah. It starts out with me running away from you... I don't know why. You're calling for me to come back, but I ignore you... then I run into an alleyway, and then I .. that's the nightmare/flashback part I used to have about when I got raped. That happens in the dream, right after I run from you..."

"That's.. that's all you remember?" he asks me, wiping away some more tears, which doesn't really do any good, as more keep coming.

"Oh God... Koushiro, did that really happen?"

He nodded. "Yes. I didn't know it was the same night you were.. you know.. though.. I didn't know at all."

"That's why I don't remember!" I said. "Anything associated with the night I was attacked, I tried to block out. I succeeded in most of it, which including whatever happened between you and me."

"You.. you really don't remember?"

I shook my head.

If I remembered Koushiro, then I would understand perfectly what you are talking about. And I have a hunch that if I knew, I wouldn't even be sitting in here right now. From the looks of things, I must have hurt you deeply.

For which I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I didn't mean to.

"I- I don't remember Koushiro. Why don't you tell me? What happened between us?"

"I.. you.."

"Koushiro?"

Damn!

"Yeah kaasan?" Koushiro replied, going over and opening his door.

"Tell your friend he has to leave. Dinner's ready."

Damn it all to hell! Stupid Izumi-kaasan!

"Allright, kaasan."

Koushiro shut the door as she walked away, then turned to me.

"See ya around.. Jyou," he said, no longer looking at me but instead at the ground again.

I sighed. "Yeah, see ya Koushiro," I muttered.

Damn the fates! Damn them!

I opened his door and left the room, heading back downstairs.

I hesitated to walk out the front door, because I was afraid that if I did, I would walk out of Koushiro's life forever. An irrational thought, I know that, but I'm allowed to be that way.

Finally I told myself I was being ridiculous, and opened the door and went out. Then I went straight to the park and sat underneath a tree and cried.

It's not fair! I was so close to finding out how Koushiro felt about me, and his stupid mom had to ruin it all!

And now I'm just more confused than ever. Obviously that dream I've been having is really a flashback, and I don't understand it one bit. What I do to hurt Koushiro? Why did I run from him? What the hell happened between us?

I mean, I've liked him for ages. I can't imagine doing anything that would deliberately hurt him. But when I went to see him just now, he was acting very bitter over something. But what could I have done?

Damn it all to hell! I hate this!

"Jyou?" a female voice said.

I looked up, sullenly wiping away my tears.

Hikari and another boy were standing over me.

I don't know who the boy was. He had cinnamon red hair that was as wild as Taichi's, although not nearly as large. However, it was chocolate brown eyes that were the most striking feature about him. They were very large and they always seemed to be twinkling, as if the boy knew nothing but how to be happy. He looked to be about Hikari's age and weight, and I'm assuming he was the same age as her. In a way, he was rather cute, although definitely too young for me. Besides, I'd feel like I was dating Takeru or Hikari or something.

"Jyou?" Hikari asked again.

"What?" I mumble, not wanting to put up with her sympathy right now.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, this is Jyou? From what Takeru said, and from what I've heard flying around school, I kinda pictured him to be different than this," the boy said, his chocolate brown eyes widening as he gave me the once over.

I blushed and looked at the ground.

"Daisuke!" Hikari hissed. "Behave or I'll get Takeru to punish you!"

"Punish me how?" he said, a trace of a smile in his voice.

"You know."

"No I don't. But whatever it is I'm sure I'll enjoy it."

"Oh God Daisuke! That's sick!"

I glanced up at them, rather confused.

"What are you two talking about?" I asked.

Hikari coughed delicately and the boy called Daisuke sweatdropped. "Ano.. nan demo nai!" he cried nervously.

I decided I didn't want to know.

"So what's wrong Jyou?" Hikari asked again, sitting down beside me. Daisuke sat on my other side.

I let out a sigh.

"Nan demo nai, Hikari."

The brown haired girl gave me a Look. "Yeah. Taichi says the same thing when something's bothering him. I never let him get away with it. Now tell me what's wrong."

God, such a demanding person.

"Well... it involves what I said in the Digital World. But I don't want to talk about it with this boy here."

"Why not?" Daisuke demanding, pretending to be hurt. "You don't trust me?"

"I don't know you."

"Well you could, if you'd kept in touch with all your Chosen friends," he said.

I raised an eyebrow and looked over at Hikari. "You told him about the Digital World?"

She shrugged. "Why not? We told Iori and Miyako too."

"Who are they?"

"Two other friends of ours."

"Oh. Well, anyways, I don't want to talk about with him here," I repeated.

She paused, frowned, then nodded. "Allright, but trust me, he wouldn't care one bit." She turned towards her friend. "Daisuke, you go ahead to Takeru's. I'll be there in a little bit."

"Aww... but Hikari-chan.."

"BAI, Daisuke."

"Hmph." He got up and walked off. When he was almost out of hearing range, he turned back towards us and yelled, "FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO WALK TO TAKERU'S WITH YOU ANYWAYS! I DON'T NEED YOU TO MAKE ME HAPPY! I HAVE TAKERU!"

She just shook and her head, muttering about getting him later.

"Is he your boyfriend?" I asked her.

She looked shocked. "No, Daisuke is.. well, didn't Takeru tell you about him?"

"No, I'd never heard of Daisuke until today. What about him?"

"Well, he and Takeru are going out."

"WHAT?! Takeru's gay?! I didn't know that!"

"He's not gay. He's bisexual. Daisuke's gay, though."

"Oh.. wonder why he looked so shocked when I said I was gay, then..." I mused.

She lifted one shoulder upwards, then lowered it. "Don' know. But he didn't care, though. No one did, really. I mean hell, Yamato and my brother are gay too."

"Yeah.." I had forgotten about that.

""So what's bothering you Jyou? Why were you crying?"

"Umm.." I really didn't want to tell her about Koushiro, but I was stuck for ideas.

"Well?"

"Ano..." Oh wait! "Well... I was just worried that nobody would like me now that they know I'm gay.. I didn't remember about Taichi and Yamato, and I didn't know about Takeru.."

"Oh. Jyou, you shouldn't have worried about that," she reassured. "Nobody cares, they really don't. Hell, out of the chosen and Daisuke and Miyako and Iori, you know how many of us are fully straight?"

I shook my head.

"Two."

I stared at her in disbelief.

"Two?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "Two. Mimi and Iori."

"Wha..."

"Exactly. Taichi, Yamato, Daisuke, Sora, and you are gay. Takeru, Miyako, and myself are bisexual. Like I said, Iori and Mimi are straight."

"Wha... what about Koushiro?" I asked, my voice catching slightly on his name. I don't think she noticed though.

"I-I don't know what he is," she confessed. "I've never seen him take interest in girls or guys ever."

"I have," I muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just .. shocked at this news. It's a lot to swallow."

"Yeah. Well, I gotta get to Takeru's. I'm afraid him and Daisuke are going to be screwing each other silly before I get there."

"But they're only fourteen!" I cried out, shocked.

"They're certainly not virgins," she told me seriously.

"Oh.. geez.. mou!! Don't tell me that!" I exclaimed. "I didn't need to know!"

She laughed. "Sorry! Later, Jyou!"

"Bai." I waved as she stood and ran off.

I sat there under the tree for a long time after she left, thinking about all she had told me. Apparently no one was bothered by my being gay. While it wasn't why I had been crying, I hadn't been lying to Hikari altogether: it was bothering me some. But now that I know, I feel a lot better.

But Koushiro is just too damn confusing. On one hand, I'm inclined to think he's gay. I mean, why else would he kiss me twice? On the other hand, he's always avoiding me, as if he's ashamed of what we did. On the other hand, he did imply that I hurt him once before. He's probably afraid of getting hurt again. On the other hand..

ok, that's a bit too many hands. Maybe I shouldn't think about it anymore. It only leaves me feeling more confused than ever.

I want some smack.

NO! Jim just got onto you about it a few hours ago! You don't need it!

But I do! Every time I think about Koushiro I get this craving for heroin. I can't help it!

But you can.

Shutup! You're just a voice in my head. And you only seem to speak when I don't want you to. So just leave off!

Fine.

God, I would swear that voice is pouting.

"Jyou! Telephone for you!" mom's voice yelled at me from down the hall.

I sighed in irritation. "Who is it?" I shouted back, angry to be interrupted at what I was doing. It seemed that every time I tried to write in my journal, someone would always interrupt me.

"I don't know!" Mom called back.

"Well ask!"

I could picture her rolling her eyes as I heard her go to the telephone and ask who was calling.

"It's Daisuke!" she called.

My eyes narrowed in confusion. What the hell was he doing calling here? And how did he get my number?

Sighing, I went over to my phone and switched over to the main line before picking up.

"Hello?" I asked, as mom hung up the extension.

"Hey Jyou!" Daisuke's cheerful voice returned.

"Daisuke? Why are you calling me? I don't even know you!"

"You met me in the park, right?"

"Yeah..." I said slowly. This was so weird.

"Then you know me," he said.

"I know who you are, but I don't know you. I mean, I don't know a thing about you except you're going out with Takeru and you're not a virgin."

He snorted. "Hell of thing to know about me when you don't even know my last name."

"Hikari's the one that told me."

"I'll have to kill her later. Anyways, there's a purpose in this phone call! Let's get to it!"

Was he always this happy sounding? Mou...

"Well what then?" I asked.

"Look, Hikari, Miyako, Takechan, Yamato, Taichi, Koushiro, and myself are all going to the Digital World tomorrow to hang out for a few hours. Hikari told me what happened in there a few weeks ago, how you passed out for something or other. She wouldn't tell me what caused it though."

Thank God for small favors.

"She also said not to bug you about it, so I won't," he continued. THANK GOD FOR BIG FAVORS!! "-But she thought you might like to come with us to the Digital World. After all, me and Miyako will be the only ones there who aren't Chosen, so you'll know everybody else."

"Damn Daisuke," I moaned. "I just don't know.."

"Please? It's just for a few hours. Besides, Hikari said some old dude emailed her. He wants to upgrade your Digivice."

"Gennai-san?"

"Yeah. Him. And she said you never got to see Gomamon or whoever last time either. Come on Jyou," he wheedled. "It'll be fun!"

"Yeah, about as much fun as having a two hundred pound weight dropped on your foot," I muttered.

Daisuke laughed. It sounded strange over the phone. "Please Jyou? Just to see your friends, if for no other reason?"

I sighed. "Allright," I agreed, giving in. "I'll go. Where do we meet?"

"The Digital World, I guess."

"No we don't! We all end up in different places if we do that, not to mention I still have the old Digivice! I can't use that to get to the Digital World. My guess is we're meeting at the school."

"Oh."

"Look Daisuke, do you at least know what time we're meeting?" I asked, trying to keep patience. I get easily annoyed these days.

"No," he said sheepishly.

"Well you're a lot of help," I said sarcastically.

"Look, tell your boyfriend to call me, okay? Can you do that? You won't forget when you hang up the phone in about a hundred and twenty seconds?"

"No, I won't forget!" he sounded hurt, and I mean sincerely. Kinda strange. Maybe he gets called stupid a lot or something.

"Right. Well, then hang up the phone and call Takeru. Bai Daisuke."

"Hmph. Bai Jyou." He hung up.

Ten minutes later Takeru called me.

"Takeru?"'

"Yep. Daisuke said you wanted me to call you?"

"Yeah. He invited me to go to the Digital World tomorrow."'

"Oh. Glad to see he finally got around to it. Were you surprised to get a phone call from a stranger?"

"He wasn't a complete stranger. I met him in the park the other day. He was with Hikari."

"Oh. Well, he mentioned you had to ask me something about the trip tomorrow."

"Yeah. Where are we meeting, and what time?" I asked him.

"Um.... lessee... Up at Odaiba. Around ten o clock, I think. You might want to call Hikari and ask her. She's the one that set this up. I'm staying the night at her house tonight, so I didn't exactly need to remember the time."

"Allright. What's her number?"

He rattled off a long list of numbers that I quickly jotted down. All in all, I had about five different numbers I could try to reach her. One was her home number, her cell phone, the computer line for their house, the number for her and Taichi's room, and (of all things) Taichi's cell phone.

"Is that all?" I asked.

"Oh wait, no! Write this one down: 356-2017."

"356-2017," I repeated back. "What's that number?"

"Miyako's number."

"Miyako?"

"She might be over there," he explained. "She's over there a lot."

"Oh. Well, thanks Takeru. Later."

"Yeah. See ya tomorrow. And Jyou?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"Um.. don't get mad.. I mean this is just a suggestion and all, but... you might not want to bring your-you know."

I knew. "I-I don't think I can do that Takeru. But I won't bring very much, if that makes you feel better."

"Well.. allright," he muttered. "Bai."

God, I must be an idiot. I can't believe I'm going to the Digital World tomorrow with people I once called friends. And Koushiro. He's gonna be there too. I don't want to face him.

I'm too scared.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

My hand shoots out from under the covers and slams down on my alarm clock, literally smashing the cheap thing to pieces and ultimately silencing it.

Groaning, I throw the covers back and swing my legs over the side of my bed, groggily trying to wake up.

Mou! It's too early to get up. I mean, it's only 8:30. I usually don't get up until about noon whenever I don't have to go to school.

However, unless I want to be late and piss everybody off, I should get up.

Letting out another groan, I stand up and began heading across the hall to the bathroom, wobbling as I do so.

When I get to the bathroom, I turn on the shower and strip while I wait for the water to heat up. Once I step in, though, I discovered I left the water on cold instead of hot, so I ended up freezing my ass off before the water turned hot after I switched it over.

I should have stayed in bed.

But that means not getting to see Koushiro, and this may be my last chance to make things right with him. I want this chance. I want to find out why he's so bitter towards me, and find a way to show him how much I really care for him.

|You can do what you want just seize the day
|What you're doing tomorrow's gonna
|come your way
|Don't you ever consider giving up,
|you will find, oooh|

It's not like that would ever happen though. I really should just give up. If he can have sex with me and still want to avoid and still be bitter, he's got to be a lost cause.

Why do I think I stand a chance with him?

Letting out a sigh, I rinse the last of the soap out my hair, then step out of the shower and walk back towards my room, towel wrapped around my waist.

On the way there, I trip over the phone cord in the hall and fall flat on my face.

Shades of the old Digital World days.

Maybe it's an omen.

God, now is not a good time to slip into my depressed mood again. Not when I have to face Koushiro.

NO! I CAN'T DO THIS!

I have to think positive today. Otherwise I really don't stand a chance with Koushiro. I promised myself last night before going to sleep that I would make the best of today, no matter how it turned out.

I can't go back on that promise now.

I can't lie to myself. That's one of the reasons I'm already so fucked up.

As Jim used to say, I need to lift my spirits and look on the bright side of things.

I dress quickly and once again throw some things into my backpack.

Extra clothes, snacks, lubricant (hey, I didn't think I'd have a reason for it last time and look what happened!), a considerable less amount of heroin this time, my pills of course, the inhaler, the usual junk I really have no need for but can't seem to do without, you know, that kind of stuff.

By 9:15 I was completely ready to go. It took about fifteen or so minutes to get to the school, so I had a whole thirty minutes left.

What to do with all that time?

|Take a walk in the park when you feel down
|There's so many things there
|that's gonna lift you up
|See the nature in bloom a laughing child
|Such a dream, oooh|

I ended up going back to that same tree in the park I had spent the other day under, crying because I was so afraid I had lost Koushiro.

I don't know why I went there.

I didn't need to.

With my luck, I'd think about Koushiro and get all depressed again and then I'd be a wreck in the Digital World and how would I talk to Koushiro then?

But nonetheless, I couldn't seem to make myself go anywhere than under the tree in the park.

Besides, it was nice and peaceful there early in the morning, and it actually made me feel at peace with myself, feel happy and relaxed, emotions I hadn't felt in God knows how long.

Of course, when you feel like you don't fit in anywhere and that you're all alone in the world and you are the lowest scum on earth and don't deserve to live, it's kinda hard to feel good about yourself, and feel happy.

Maybe Koushiro will help me want to live again. If I can make things right with him, that is. If I can't, I might as well kill myself then and there.

|You're looking for somewhere to belong
|You're standing all alone
|for someone to guide you on your way
|Now and forever|

"Jyou?"

I look up. "Koushiro..." I breathe. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugged. "I was cutting through the park on my way to the school and I saw you. Why are you here?"

Now it was my turn to shrug. "Just sitting here."

"Oh. Are you coming to the Digital World with us?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Well... wanna... wanna walk with me?" he asked, almost shyly.

I looked at him in shock. Koushiro was actually asking me to be around him? I thought all he wanted to do was avoid me. Maybe I really do stand a chance with him..

praying praying praying!!!

He offers his hand out to me, and I take it, using his support to pull myself up off the ground.

|I have tried to get to know you
|To get you off my mind
|It feels like going back in time
|And snap, I see your figure once again
|My deja vu everything is up to you|

We walk to the school, not saying much important. He mostly just talks about what the Chosen have been up to these past six years, carefully avoiding the subject we really want to discuss. He knows now is not a good time, as do I.

I'm surprised to find I have supposedly met Miyako once before.

"I have?" I ask him, raising an eyebrow.

He nods. "Yeah. You don't remember? Me and her and Hikari and Mimi were in the mall one time, and we ran into you, and I introduced you to her? You don't remember?"

I shook my head. "Describe her to me?"

"Well, she's changed a lot from when you last saw her. Now she has short purple hair, and she's very tall, almost as tall as you, and very thin and effeminate. Great fashion sense, wears purple colored contacts. When you saw her, she had long hair, bad fashion sense, glasses, she wasn't fat, but she wasn't stick thin like now, and she was only about average height," he explained.

"Hmm..." I frown. "I don't remember her. I don't remember much of anything these days. All this shit my body has endured has kind of screwed with my senses."

He went silent at that, and I feared I had said to much, until he said, "you really can't remember her? She looks a lot Hikari now, except her hair and eye color, and she's a little thinner."

"I.. I don't remember her. Sorry."

"Oh well. You'll meet her soon anyways. She's a really great person. I can see why Hikari likes her."

Well this was news to me. I knew she was bisexual, but.. Miyako? One of her friends? Is there any one of us that likes someone outside the group? Because I like Koushiro, he acts like he likes me, Takeru and Daisuke are together, Hikari likes Miyako, Mimi likes me, Sora likes me, and Taichi and Yamato are together. That would leave Miyako and that other boy, Iori.

"Hikari likes Miyako?"

"Yeah. She's bisexual. You didn't know that?"

"No, I knew. I just didn't know she liked one of her friends. What about Miyako? Does she like Hikari back?"

"Nobody knows. We can't figure out. It's driving Hikari insane. I think she really likes Miyako a lot, about as much as Takeru and Daisuke like each other."

I groaned. "Please don't mention the name Daisuke around me," I muttered.

"What?" he glanced over at me. "Why not?"

"Because the only two things I know about him aren't the most pleasant things in the world to know about someone you met in the park not three days ago."

"What things?"

"That he's dating Takeru and he's not a virgin."

Koushiro laughed. "Well neither are you."

"I know, but.. he's younger.. it's just kinda... weird. I mean... assuming he's Takeru and Hikari's age.. fourteen?"

"I'm only sixteen since a few weeks ago, Jyou," Koushiro pointed out quietly.

"I know.. but you've always seemed more mature than your age.. you could handle losing your virginity at fifteen.. if you understand what I'm trying to say."

We were treading on thin ice now, and I had to be careful not to step on the wrong crack and fall through.

"What I mean Koushiro, is that.." I paused for a moment, trying to word my words right, "is that they could just be doing whatever it is they do out of lust, and not out of love or something close to love."

"Who says when I gave myself up to you, it wasn't out of lust?" Koushiro asked, and he sounded angry. We had fallen through, and we had to get out quickly, less we get frozen.

"No, I mean I'm not saying you did what you did with me out of love! I'm not saying anything like that at all! I didn't mean to imply..."

"Then what did you mean?" he demanded, and he still sounded mad. The ice is just too damn slippery to climb back up on.

"I meant just they could be doing it out of lust.."

"And it's your business because..?"

Luckily the school came in view just then, and saved me from further words.

|I'm a loser, that is a fact for sure
|I'm happy even if you don't want
|To invite me out for a dance tonight
|I'm not normal, I know it, I don't care|

The others greeted us cheerful, Daisuke a little too cheerfully if you ask me. I spotted Miyako immediately. I could easily see why Hikari was attracted to her. She was very pretty, much as Koushiro described her.

I also spotted another boy who I assumed to be Iori. He was rather on the short side, and he had green eyes and brown hair. He looked younger than the others, maybe twelve or thirteen at most. I wondered how they met him.

Anyways, soon as we arrived, Koushiro went over to where Taichi and Yamato were, ignoring me completely.

That's when I knew I had completely blew it with him.

Mou! I'm such an idiot. I should have never brought up that thing about Daisuke. I knew it was a dangerous subject! I knew it! And I totally ruined the good feelings I had just being nearing him again! Baka baka baka!

Mou, how can I keep doing that to myself? EVERY chance I get with him, I totally ruin it!

When will I ever learn?

"Well, now that Jyou and Koushiro are here, I think we're ready to go," Takeru spoke up, interrupting my self-loathing.

"What? Are we all ready to depart?" Taichi said, looking around.

"Yep. Come on everybody, gather around the computer. Miyako, take Hikari's left hand. Iori, take her right. Jyou, take Koushiro's hand," Takeru instructed us.

What? Me take Koushiro's hand?

Before I even had time to react, though, Koushiro had come over next to me and grabbed my hand.

I closed my hand around his nervously, giving him a shaky smile, which he didn't return, further proving my suspicions that I had blown it with him.

Takeru took out his Digivice, and just as he was about to open the gate, Daisuke interrupted him. "Takechan, can I open the gate?"

Takeru raised an eyebrow. "You're not a Chosen."

"Please?" he pleaded, giving the blond a begging puppy dog look. "I can try."

"Well here then," Takeru said, handing over his Digivice with a small amused smile.

Daisuke took it, grinned "thanks Takechan!" and held it up to the computer.

"Digital Gate, Open!" he said. To everybody's surprise, it worked and we were all whisked away to the Digital World.

Once we got there, Koushiro let go out of my hand, leaving me feeling strangely disappointed rather than hurt.

|I wanna see you dancing naked
|I wanna see you touch the moon
|But when I try to reach your fingers
|You just vanish into air
|I wanna feel you with my senses
|'Cause I'm almost sure the texture
|of your skin
|Is gonna tell me who you are|

"Wow! It's so great to be back!" Daisuke exclaimed, causing everyone except one to give him a strange look.

Takeru just snorted at that remark and whisphered something in his ear, causing the cinnamon haired boy to turn a lovely shade of red.

I decided never to ask.

"You've been here before Daisuke?" that girl Miyako asked him.

"Um, yes. Um, Takeru *ahem* took me here," he said, casting a sly glance at the boy beside him.

"In more ways than one, I presume?" Iori asked sarcastically.

"Of course!" he exclaimed, flashing what I later learned from Takeru was his trademark grin.

I groaned. "You guys are weird," I said.

"No weirder 'n you Jyou!"

I winced. If only Daisuke knew...

I caught Koushiro giving me a sympathetic glance, which only served to confuse me more. I thought he was mad at me...?

Apparently he can't make up his mind.

I wish he would though! It's driving me absolutely crazy not being able to figure him out.

"Allright" once again Taichi was taking charge "unlike last time when us Chosen were here, this time we don't all have to stay together. You can go off, do whatever you want, leave when you want. Just let me know when you're leaving, so when the rest of us leave we don't spend hours looking for you. Miyako, Iori and Daisuke: since none of you are Chosen, I'd prefer it if you stuck with someone who is a Chosen, someone who knows the Digital World well and has a Digivice. Jyou: you're welcome to go off by yourself if you want. When you want to leave, I'll send you with someone who has a Digivice, or you can also go see if Gennai-san is around and is willing to upgrade your Digivice. Are we al clear on this?"

"YES!" Everyone chorused.

"Good!" Taichi clapped his hands together. "Then let's all enjoy ourselves and anyone who hasn't left meet back here in five hours! See you lot later!"

For some reason, this gives me the feeling of being in summer camp. I mean, Taichi's acting exactly like some camp counselor or something.

I watched as everyone slowly drifted off in several directions, until eventually Koushiro and I were the only ones left standing in the clearing.

I wonder if I have the guts to talk to him now, or if he'll even listen to me. Probably not, but I can't be sure anymore. I can't be sure of anything. I just... I wish I knew what kind of a chance I had with Koushiro! I miss him so badly. I miss holding him, kissing him, talking to him, I miss being his friend. I want things to be the way they were six years ago.

|I wanna hold you like I used to
|I wanna feel you in my blood
|I wonder why I do confess this
|To myself all the time
|I know the time is working against us
|But I'll long for you the rest of my whole life
|Like a prisoner of hope|

"So what do you want to do?" Koushiro asked, turning towards me.

"I want to straighten things out," I said softly.

"Huh?" he asked in confusion, although I didn't miss the dark look that passed briefly over his face. He heard me. He knew what I was talking about.

"I want to- to straighten things out between us, Koushiro. I'm tired of this. I can't deal with it anymore. I swear I'm gonna go crazy trying to figure out whether you hate me or like me! You give me the impression that you're bitter over something I did to hurt you, but I don't even know what it was I did! Couldn't you at least tell me so I won't beat myself over the head trying to remember?"

"You really wanna know, Jyou? You really wanna know why I'm so bitter towards you?" he asked angrily. "You wanna know why I seem to hate you so much?"

"Yes I do!"

"It's because I do hate you!" he cried. "I hate you, that's why I act like it!"

Appalled, I watched as he slid to the ground, crying slightly. However, I don't believe that he really hates me.

Walking over to him, I sink down beside him and reach out my hand towards his face. He shies away, which I sorta expected but it still hurt nonetheless.

"Why Koushiro? Why do you hate me so much? What did I do?"

"You abandoned me," he whisphered.

"How? How do I abandon you?"

"You ran. You ran from me! You didn't even come back.. not ever.. not for four years.."

"Koushiro, you're not making any sense to me. Please, can't you tell me why I left you?"

"You think I know?" he shouted into my face. "You think I know why you left me? Don't you think I've sat and tried to analyze it all these four years? It doesn't make any sense! You were giving off all the signs, everything was pointing to your liking me, it's not like I had anything to lose. I didn't think you'd hurt me like that. I guess I was wrong..."

Ooookaaaaayyy.. I think I'm starting to get some idea of what happened between us. And if what he's implying is right, then I can see why he'd hate me so much..

"Koushiro..."

"I told you," he said quietly. "I told you that I loved you and you ran..... I guess you were scared.. I don't know. But it hurt so much! I couldn't understand why you rejected me. And then you didn't even talk to me for another four years. And when you did, you gave no clue that you acknowledged what happened between us.. I was so confused trying to figure it out all the time.. and time went by and you never said anything and I started hating you more and more.."

"Koushiro.." I said, pained. "I don't know what I can say that can take back the pain-"

"Nothing," he told me bitterly. "Absolutely nothing."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I don't know why I would have ran, except maybe what you suggested, that I was scared. But whatever I may have thought then, I certainly don't think it now. If you were to tell me you loved me, I wouldn't run. Not this time. I won't make the same mistake twice."

"Oh what? So now I'm just supposed to forget you ever hurt me, accept your apology, and tell you I still love you? That's supposed to make everything better?"

"NO! That's not it Koushiro! Nothing will make what happened better. I know that. And I don't want you to forget that I hurt you. I'm not asking that. All I'm saying is that I want to make it up to you, and prove that I didn't mean to hurt you. Trust me, if I had remembered that day, and I hadn't gotten raped, I would have came back. I really would have. Please believe me Koushiro."

"Why? So you can hurt me again?"

"I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!" I shouted. "God, I want- I want.. I want to love you," I said. And promptly started to cry.

There. I said it. I finally admitted it to myself. I love Koushiro. All this time when I couldn't say it, no matter how much I knew it was true, all the time it kept building up inside me-I finally released it. And it's amazing how much lighter I feel now.

Koushiro looked pained at making me cry, but he didn't give in. "If you love me, then why did you run?"

"I don't know!" I wailed. "I told you, I can't hardly remember that night except in nightmares, and the only thing other than the rape was the running away from you. I don't remember anything before that! Please Koushiro, don't reject me. I need you," I begged. "You are the only thing that is keeping me sane."

"I thought I was making you go insane."

"No, the fact that I couldn't figure you out was. Please, just-"

I was cut off by a pair of soft lips being pressed firmly against mine. His tongue begin to seek entrance, which I gladly granted. I let out a low moan as he begins to suck at my lower lip, and reach my hands out and pull his body closer to mine.

I don't even have time to wonder why he's doing this since he claims to hate me. I'm too caught up in the rush of emotions I experienced just by having Koushiro so close to me again.

|I wanna see you dancing naked
|I wanna see you touch the moon
|But when I try to reach your fingers
|You just vanish into air
|I wanna feel you with my senses
|'Cause I'm almost sure the texture
|of your skin
|Is gonna tell me who you are|

We finally break apart for oxygen then, and I lean backwards a little, staring into his eyes. I'm surprised by his actions. "Koushiro-" but he gently placed a finger to my lips.

"Shh," he whisphered. "Don't ask. Just trust me. Okay?"

I nodded.

He tilted his face upwards, capturing my lips in another fierce kiss as he slowly began to slide his hands under my shirt.

Little chills raced up and down my spine at such intimate contact. We were taking it a lot slower than last time, now that our initial frenzy to be so close had already been fulfilled once before.

Koushiro broke off from me momentarily and carefully eased my shirt up over my head. Then he kissed me once more, making me gasp as he moved lower and caught a pale nipple in his mouth, torturously licking and sucking at it, teasing.

"Koushiro..mou..." I groaned.

He laughed and pulled his own shirt off, then started unbuttoning my pants, sending more tremors along my spine.

I can't believe Koushiro is willing to do this with me, especially after I hurt him so badly. Hell, I can't believe he let me take him before or even-even talk to me! If he had done something like that to me and I didn't know why and didn't hear from him in years, I know I would be most upset.

Anyways, just to shorten the story a little, and so I won't bore you with all the kissing and teasing, I'll cut to the part where Koushiro entered me.

It hurt, God it hurt! It was the first time someone had ever screwed me in that way, and it hurt so badly! But at the same time, it felt.. kinda good. The pleasure was there, although most of it was lost in the immense amount of pain and the mix of emotions I was experiencing. But I didn't mind. Just having Koushiro inside me was enough, and as he continued to thrust into me the pain got less and the pleasure became more.

Not to mention I about lost control of myself when he grasped my pulsating cock firmly and began to pump me. After that, it didn't take for me to come at all. And when I did, I just went completely limp. I was exhausted. I didn't even feel Koushiro come inside me a few minutes later, I was too drained.

Koushiro collapsed on top of me after making a slightly painful exit.

We lay there in contented silence for quite some time, not saying anything, just riding out our roller coaster of emotions.

It's some time later as I am about to drift off into sleep that I hear Koushiro's mumbled, "I still love you Jyou."

"I love you too," I whispher back, then smile softly as I hear the steady breathing meaning he's asleep.

Everything will be allright now, I hope. Koushiro loves me, he said it, and he's obviously willing to give me another chance.

Just that thought causes so many of my worries and depressed thoughts to depart from my troubled mind, and actually give me hope of overcoming my depression altogether. I hadn't realized so much of my bad feelings had stemmed from not being able to figure Koushiro out.

But it doesn't matter now. I have Koushiro, he's here with me, and I swear that as long as I live I will never do anything to hurt him again.

I went through so much pain, and it wasn't fun. I don't want to experience so much pain anymore.

God Koushiro, you don't know how much it means to me to have you forgive me.

One last time I whispher the words I used to have so much trouble admitting, "I love you Koushiro," then sink into a peaceful sleep, for once not having nightmares, but instead wonderful dreams of Koushiro.

~Well done Jyou~ Fred whisphered. ~It took you long enough~

"Shutup Fred."

|They say the time has come for us
|to start again
|I believe that's true
|They say the time has come for us
|to make amends
|And I believe that too|

~finis~

© 2001 Crimson Goddess November 30, 2001 Friday 12:08 am

Okay, I guess that was kinda sappy and a sorta abrupt ending, but I've been working on this thing since august and it's time it was finished. I mean, it's only a one-shot! But was it good? Please let it be good! I know it's better in the beginning and that after he ODs, the writing just kinda goes downhill, but that is due to this bad case of writers block I have! I'm sorry! I'd make it go away if I could! Anyways, maybe there will be a sequel to this someday.. I mean, it's a possibility. Especially with the ending the way it was. Well anyways, enough babbling. Review and tell me what you think! Thanks!

~Crimson Goddess~

(waii! Now I have to blow out my candle and go to bed.. I don' wanna! Candle smell nice... nighty-night! luv you all!)

1 *This happens to me all the time. Does anyone else ever feel that sort of dizzy feeling, where everything seems to be standing still except for yourself?