AN: Hold on tight!

Eliza's POW

"Why don't you start with the beginning?"

Eliza sighs deeply, pulling her own fingers in her lap. She knows she'll have to speak eventually, she knows it. That's after all why she made this appointment. And it's not that it's hard for Eliza to talk about her wife, the love of her life, not at all. Actually, it comes naturally to her. It's just... she doesn't know the woman in front of. She doesn't know her well enough for her to be discussing her personal life, yet anyway.

"Whenever you're ready, Eliza," she smiles friendly, her tone calm and a bit too kind.

Eliza knows it'll be easier when she first opens up. She knows it. It's what everybody's been telling her. It's what they kept telling her whenever she had doubts about showing up at Dr. Wyatt's practice. She made the appointment because of Arizona. She made it because she felt like she had to. She had to talk to somebody who'd be able to help her through this. Someone who'd be able to make her stronger. Because Arizona will need a stronger wife. She'll need for Eliza to be the strongest she's ever been now. If not for herself then for their marriage. And that's what Eliza keeps telling herself. That's what made her pick up the phone, schedule an appointment and actually walk through the doors of the building. That's why she's sitting in this comfy chair, looking at a woman with a notepad in her lap.

"I'll just be here whenever you deci-"

"I met my wife six years ago in the vegetable section," Eliza cuts Dr. Wyatt off, grasping both armrests.

"I see. Go on," Dr. Wyatt urges kindly.

"I met her while picking out the best bouquet of broccoli," Eliza smiles timidly, her eyes fluttering at the memory. "Our friends always say it's like a scene taken from some silly rom-com."

"It sure sounds like that," the older woman acknowledges. "Was it love at first sight, then?"

"For me it was. Not so much for Arizona," Eliza states, a soft chuckle escaping her throat. "The moment I spotted her in the veggie section, I just knew I had to talk to her, you know? I just knew I had to get to know her. She was standing there, trying to find the best avocado. Touching all of them to learn which one had the best ripeness."

"Did she find it?" Dr. Wyatt asks.

"What? The avocado? Yeah. I watched her pick out four avocados and place them in her cart. And then it happened."

"What happened?"

"Arizona turned around and her elbow kinda nudged the pile of avocados," Eliza reminisces, the ghost of a smile appearing on her face. She remembers the day she met her wife like it was yesterday. It wasn't. It's been six years and Arizona still gives her butterflies in the stomach. Arizona still makes her heart swell, even though it's been a while since she's had the pleasure of feeling her wife's lips upon hers. Even though it feels like forever since Eliza's been close to her wife. And that makes Eliza sad. That makes her sad like she's never known sadness before. It tears at her heartstrings and it makes her miserable. "All the avocados kinda fell to the ground while Arizona tried catching them and placing them back… but visibly failing at it."

"That sounds like quite a show," Dr. Wyatt smiles. "Did you help her with the avocados, Eliza?"

"I did. I slid in quite gentleman-ish, you know. I helped her collect all the Houdinis and went to get my broccoli."

"That's it? You didn't talk to her?"

"I've said what I needed to say. Being the polite and perfect stranger. My game had starter, Dr. Wyatt," Eliza smirks to her won surprise. "I thought if she wanted to talk, she'd approach me again."

"Did it work?" Dr. Wyatt asks intrigued.

"I married her two years ago, didn't I?" Eliza arches her eyebrow.

"You did," Dr. Wyatt nods, smiling. "How did you get that far?"

"I just… I fell in love with her when she fought the avocados," Eliza beams as she remembers the feeling of falling in love with her wife. Those feelings Arizona awoke in her have never disappeared, if anything they've just kept getting stronger and more passionate over the years. Also now, although she's feeling devastated and incapable of helping her wife. She still loves Arizona with all of her being, with all of her heart and soul, and she'll continue to do that for as long as she can. She just hopes she'll get some kind of tool to help herself and her wife considering the awful situation they've somehow ended up in.

"You fell in love with Arizona."

"I did."

"When did she fell in love with you?"

"Hmmm," Eliza purses her lips, trying to remember when her wife fell in love with her. She knows it all too well. Actually, Arizona kept telling her the story over and over again when they got serious. And on the day of their wedding Arizona had included it in her speech. She does know when it happened, when Arizona fell in love with her. Eliza remembers the day very vividly. It just hurts so much. It hurts so much having to speak about it. It's like her heart is being thrown to the ground and someone stumps on it. It's painful, but it's Arizona and she loves Arizona. She can't pretend it didn't happen. Not that she wanted it to never have happened. Not a chance. It just… it's been a while since Eliza talked about her feelings. "When I fell in a banana's peel. That's when."

"That's when Arizona fell in love with you?"

"Yeah. She said she fell in love with me while I fell for a banana," Eliza reveals as her heart pounds hard in her chest. She digs her nails into the armrests, trying to anchor herself to this Earth and not fly off to somewhere where everything is good and perfect and where her wife is safe and healthy. Even though it's tempting as hell.

"That's funny," Dr. Wyatt smiles.

"She is dorky," Eliza grins half-heartedly, taking a deep breath. "She used to be," she whispers, her eyes landing on the shoes of the shrink. They're brown and very worn.

"She's still the woman you fell in love with, Eliza. She's still the woman you love. She's... she's just having some trouble now. And you're allowed to be mad. You're allowed to be sad and frustrated. It's okay, Eliza. It's okay."

"It's not, though," Eliza exclaims, throwing her hands to her head and running her fingers through her hair in frustration. "I can't be mad at her. I can't. What kind of wife would that make me? What kind of wife would be mad at their wife for being ill, for having been in an accident? What kind of wife would be mad because they can't kiss their wife or hold her or take her hand or, or, or even make her breakfast?" Eliza speaks rapidly, her heart pounding so hard she's afraid it'll break through her skin any minute now. But it doesn't matter, anyway. Her heart is broken. It's broken because her wife is in such a bad state, and she can't do a freaking thing about it other than wait. Eliza's tired of waiting, though. She's tired of feeling like an understudy in her own marriage. "What kind of wife would curse and yell and throw things because she cannot do anything? What kind of wife would he mad at her? I can't be mad at her. I can't. I love her. What kind of wife would do that?" Eliza breathes heavily, her breath having caught in her throats during her ramble. "What kind of wife would be… mad at her?" she whimpers, shaking her head in fast jerks.

"You just answered your own question, Eliza," Dr. Wyatt replies calmly.

"What?"

"You just said it yourself. What kind of wife would do and feel all of the things you just expressed? A wife who loves her wife. That's your answer. And it's all about the love, Eliza. The love you hold for your wife. It's supposed to be a healing power."

"I can't be mad at her, Dr. Wyatt, I can't," Eliza sighs, her eyes filling with tears. "I love her. Even though she's not herself. Even though she doesn't..." Eliza's lower lip trembles, her eyes spill. She digs her nails into her palms, sniffling.

"It's okay to cry, Eliza," Dr. Wyatt soothes, handing her the box of tissues. "It doesn't mean that you're weak. It's-"

"I know. I'm not weak," Eliza cuts in, pulling a tissue out of the box and wipes her nose. "I'm not a weak person. I've never been, I think. But this… I've never done this before. I don't know what to do."

"How does it make you feel, Eliza? How does not knowing what to do make you feel?"

"Fucking useless," Eliza snaps, wiping below her eyes with another tissue. She feels the question burn her skin, her mind even. She's freaking useless. Her wife is in pain, and it's a pain Eliza can't take away. But what's even worse, Arizona doesn't know it. She doesn't know what's going on. Every minute of every day Eliza loves her wife. She loves her more than life itself, but she feels so useless and so invisible. It doesn't matter how much Eliza loves Arizona, it doesn't matter how many times she's telling herself that it'll soon be over and everything will go back to normal. It doesn't matter because when the night falls, she's still alone in their marriage and when the morning comes she's still married but without the recognition. Eliza knows she shouldn't be snapping at the shrink, she knows that. Dr. Wyatt is only trying to help her… in some way she's trying to help her. Her and Arizona. That doesn't make the feelings go away, though. If anything, they make them even stronger and even more real.

"And why is that?" Dr. Wyatt asks, squinting her eyes as if she's trying to analyse every move Eliza does, every little movement or sound.

"Because I can't do anything! I'm a sitting duck. I live my life in the shadows, or it feels like that and you know what?" Eliza asks rhetorically, grinding her palms against each other in frustration and powerlessness. "It's not about me… that's the worst part of it. It's not even about me. It's about Arizona. She's the one who's sick and broken. She's the one who should be crying and screaming and sitting in this chair, but instead it's me. It's me who's complaining about a beautiful, beautiful woman who happens to be my wife. What's wrong with me?" Eliza cries, shaking her head in fast jerks. "What's wrong with me?"

"You're hurting," Dr. Wyatt clarifies. "You're hurting, too, Eliza. Maybe not in the same way as Arizona is, but you're hurting."

"My pain doesn't even begin to compare to Arizona's. She's the one… she's the one-"

"She's the one who survived an accident, yes. But you're married to her, Eliza. You experienced the accident as well. Just not physically."

Eliza's tears run in thick trails down her cheeks, even though she tries wiping them away with the back of her hands. It doesn't matter, her eyes just keep flooding. They keep forming tears and spill over. She feels how the pricking feeling reappears in her chest, how the air in her lungs cease to exist, and she gets terrified. Again. Pressing her hand firmly against her chest, over her heart, she bites down on her lip. "It hurts."

"I can see that," the older woman acknowledges, calmly. "Breathe, come breathe with me. Breathe, one, two, three. Breathe, one, two, three."

It doesn't help, the feeling won't subside. She's hyperventilating because the feeling continues to hit her. It appears out of nowhere and strikes. Eliza doesn't know what causes the feeling to appear. All she knows it that it's so painful, she's afraid it will kill her.

Dr. Wyatt hands her a paper bag which Eliza accepts. Blowing into the bag, she tries to let the calmness reach and find her. If this'll help the feeling to subside or disappear for the time being, she'll do anything the shrink tells her to. Continuing to breathe into the bag, she feels how her heartrate slows down. How her tears keep running, but her breathing settles back into normal speed.

"It just hurts so much," Eliza whispers, removing the paper bag and placing it in her lap.

"I know. It hurts to miss someone who's just in front of you," Dr. Wyatt nods reassuringly, sending a small, sad smile in Eliza's direction. Eliza's eyes lock onto the grey ones of her shrink, trying to gauge where she got the result of Eliza's pain from. How she so easily could determine her pain as caused by Eliza missing her wife. Was it really that simple? Did the pricking feeling come from her missing Arizona? It wouldn't be a shock, really. Because Eliza does in fact miss her wife. She misses her so much… that it hurts. And that's maybe what has caused her hyperventilating all these times? Who knows? Maybe Dr. Wyatt does?! Because she's right, Dr. Wyatt, that is. She's right about this. Eliza misses Arizona all the time, even though she sees her every day. Even though she makes sure to visit her every day and talk to her. She's conflicted, though. Eliza. Because every time she goes to see her wife, she's hit by so many feelings she's got trouble differentiating and controlling. She's torn between all the love she holds for her beautiful, blonde and perky wife, and all the heartache that said love causes every time she looks at her; every time Arizona's face appears when Eliza steps into her room. She's torn between crying due to pain and crying due to happiness and relief. And she's scared. Eliza's scared all the time. The fear of never getting Arizona back haunts her every night, every night she goes to sleep in their bed… alone.

Sensing Eliza being long gone, Dr. Wyatt places a gentle hand on her knee. "I think it's enough for today, Eliza," she smiles, giving Eliza's knee a quick squeeze. "You've done a good job today."

"But," Eliza goes to object, furrowing her brows. "I haven't done anything."

"You have. You've talked… and that's a start."

"I don't feel any better, though," Eliza reveals, suddenly feeling foolish.

"Unfortunately, it isn't that easy," Dr. Wyatt shakes her head no, her voice calm and friendly. "I'll see you Thursday, yes?"

"I guess so," Eliza stands and stretches out her hand. "But… what am I supposed to do until then?"

"You could tell Arizona about the avocados?" Dr. Wyatt suggest, nodding her head encouraging and shaking Eliza's hand professionally.

"She does love that story," Eliza sniffles as she remembers how her wife always came back to that story. How Arizona always made a big deal out of their meet in the green aisle between avocados and bouquets of broccoli. It's silly, really, but it made the blonde radiate. Their shared love used to make her wife beam with joy…

"Wouldn't it be a nice way to end your day then?"

Eliza gives her shrink a firm handshake before existing the room. When the brisk Seattle wind hits her face, she's overwhelmed by the last hour's hard work. Her body starts shaking as the tears reappear. She lets the tears fall as she walks the street, as she walks the road leading her to where her wife is currently living. Remembering the words of her shrink, she doesn't stop the crying… she is allowed to be sad. She's allowed to cry… because she almost lost everything that night. She almost lost the love of her life. Although it actually feels like she has lost Arizona, she knows she's still breathing and that she's alive and able to talk… some days she's even able to go for a walk. Eliza knows she should be thankful, and she is. She really is. It's just… she can't help but feel that she lost her wife that day. That she lost Arizona. She's breathing and talking, and she looks like her beautiful self. And that's it. That's all Eliza's got right now. It's not enough, though. It's not. And now the pricking feeling appears again, poking Eliza's heart as she approaches the hospital step by step.

AN2: Okay, brace yourself and have hope. All we need is love… and hope.

I hope you got intrigued to know what goes on next and what happened before… Please, let me know. Thank you for reading.