Chapter 5.

Reinvent Yourself

Q woke feeling… PAIN. With capitals. Everything hurt, beginning with his pounding head, ending with a couple of toes he suspected could be broken but had actually no idea when and how it had happened. Not to mention his left arm; he could feel the bandage on it without having to look.

He slowly opened his eyes then promptly shut them again, wincing at the light that had momentarily penetrated his foggy brain.

"Hey. You awake?" – Asked a concerned voice. Moneypenny…

"I think I am…" – Croaked Q as a response then gratefully took a few sips of wonderfully cold water, using the straw that had magically appeared in front of him mouth. – "Thanks, Eve."

"Why did you agree to do it?" – Asked Moneypenny sorrowfully, sitting at the edge of the boffin's hospital bed, trying very hard not to cry at the pathetic sight of the totally weak and skinny man lying there helplessly. – "You could have said 'no'. You're not a field agent, this shouldn't have been your job; we have agents for that kind of stuff. I still don't get what M was thinking."

Q felt very guilty about the lies he and M had fed the others and also didn't want M to take the blame for his stupidity. He had already decided to come clean; it wouldn't matter anymore anyway but he just didn't want to lie to his colleagues. He had long ago made this decision and nothing was going to change it.

"It wasn't like that, Eve. It was… different. I went to them. I befriended them. I belonged to them! Until a realized what they were planning…"

Moneypenny didn't seem to understand what he was trying to say.

"What?" – She asked confusedly. – "Well, of course you did. That's what undercover agents do. 'Agents' being the key word… Oh, I'm going to have a discussion with M and-"

"No, Eve. I wasn't undercover. Not until this last stunt. M is very nice, trying to save my reputation by saying that but it's not true. I was a member of their gang. I smoked and drank with them. Hell, I even draw on a wall with paint… Graffiti, I think it's called… I damaged property."

Finally, comprehension dawned on Eve's face.

"I… But why? I'm sorry, I don't... I can't see you doing all these things voluntarily. Help me understand it, please."

"I wanted friends." – Admitted Q with a shrug. – "No. Actually: I needed friends. I was willing to do anything to have them."

"What about us though? We are your friends! And we never expected you to nearly kill yourself for it." – Q didn't know what to say to that. In his opinion, they weren't his friends. Not in the sense he had originally wanted them to be. It was one thing that they liked each other good enough during working hours but none of them had ever wanted to spend time with him outside of Headquarters. Why did Eve even consider this real friendship? Was something wrong with him that he needed more? – "Q, please, explain it to me. Please. I want to understand you. I really want to." – She pleaded.

Q didn't want to hurt her feelings so he decided to just simply say as little as possible. It didn't matter anymore either way. With difficulty, he pulled himself up into a semi-sitting position to be able to look her into the eyes properly as he admitted:

"Eve, I'm leaving."

"What?" – Now she looked horrified. – "What do you mean by 'leaving'? I don't think they'll let you out of the hospital for a while."

"I'm not referring to the hospital. I mean that I'm quitting my job as Quartermaster."

"You're not!"

"Yes, I am. I actually sort of already did. I'll talk to M as soon as I'm out of here but I already sent my letter of resignation to him via e-mail so that he knows what's up. I also told him I'd tell you guys what I really did. I'm going to explain my reasons to him when we'll speak in person."

Tears were silently running down her cheeks now.

"Will you tell me those reasons too?"

After momentarily silence, he relented. It had been hard enough to make the final decision and prepare for his speech he'd give M, but, somehow, he still felt she deserved to know. He might not have gotten from any of them what he had wished for, but he could still see they were all honestly worried and that they did care for him.

"All right. It's just that while I do like computers and programming, I'm just not quite the nerd I'd need to be to continue this. I used to hack systems and build gadgets as a teenager for fun; now I've realized I don't want it to be my entire life."

"But you're a genius! You're better than anyone we've ever had in this position. There's a reason you're the youngest quartermaster ever. The previous M personally named you when the old Q died!"

He was too tired to even begin to deny being a genius and the best in his field. It was the truth and he didn't care enough the play humble. He didn't care about anything anymore.

"It's one thing to be good, or even best, at something. And it's a completely different thing to want to do it nonstop, and give up your whole life for it. I don't want it. It's too much. I get it that you have never seen me be any different and so it must be kind of hard to imagine… But I'm more than that."

"And then what would you like to do? Isn't it possible to fit it in with your duties here?"

"I don't really know but I'm sure I don't want to stay here. And I don't only mean MI6; I mean London. England. Maybe even Europe… I want a completely new life with new perspectives. I want to find a place I can belong."

"But you belong here!" – Now she was crying earnestly and Q felt horrible to be the cause for it. But his decision had been made and he knew he'd stick to it now.

"No. 'Q' belongs here. The computer geek genius who gladly works 16 hours a day seven days a week and doesn't have a private life outside of work at all. Q, who will happily outfit agents and put up with their endless teasing about being a 'spotted teenager' or looking like an underfed twelve-year-old little girl. Q, who is on the comms, constantly available and ready to jump at anyone's bidding."

"But you are Q." – She said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"No. There'll be another Q in no time, Eve. From now on, I'm Sebastian Holt again."

"Heh?"

"My real name, Moneypenny. You didn't think I was really called 'Q', did you?"

"Oh. I didn't know… I'm sorry… I mean… Of course, I didn't think…. I just… didn't think at all… Ahm…"

"It's okay. No one knows. Nobody has ever asked…"

"Oh, Q… I mean, Sebastian I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to be. Listen, Eve: if we're really friends then we don't need to work at the same place to keep in touch, right? Then we can talk and meet just like two normal people who want to know about the other."

"Naturally! But if you want to work abroad it's not going to be possible."

"There are such things as phones. Besides, I didn't say I don't ever want to set foot in England again. I still don't know where I'll end up but I want to know about you guys."

"All right. If that's what you really want, and that's how you'll be happy, then I'll help you in any way I can."

"Thank you, Eve." – And he meant it.

J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B

The next conversation wasn't any easier. Of course, why would anything be simple for him…?

"You crazy boy, you could have died! And now we have to learn you didn't even do it out of duty but for fun!?" – Was Alec's opening line as soon as he entered Q's hospital room with Bond in tow. Both men looked vivid. So, they had spoken to Moneypenny already… Good, one less thing to explain to them then.

The patient just looked at the two raging agents silently.

"You don't even care, do you?" – Asked 007 angrily, hitting the nightstand in a violent outburst then rubbing his hurting fist wincing.

The Quartermaster still refused to answer.

"What's wrong with you, boy!?" – Screamed 006 at the top of his lungs and Q wondered when security would try to have the two thrown out. It would be an interesting match to see for sure.

Finally, Q spoke up.

"It wouldn't have mattered to me either way. That's the truth. But why do you care anyway?"

"You're kidding, right? We're your FRIENDS!"

"Are you though?"

"WHAT!?"

"I asked: are you sure we're really friends?"

"Of course, we are sure. Did you hit your head in that bank?"

"Actually, yes. I did. But I know very well what I'm talking about if that's what you mean." – Spat Q angrily. – "And I thought friends spent time together outside of work as well. That they knew each other's names and cared for each other on a personal level too; not only professionally. Neither of these criteria is true for us. So, I'll ask again: are you absolutely sure we're friends?"

Both men blinked in surprise, looking a bit guilty.

"Q… I don't know what to say. You never said you weren't happy with how the things were." – Stuttered Bond.

"So, you're saying that it's my fault?"

"I didn't say that. But I can honestly say we consider you a friend."

Alec nodded in agreement.

"Yes, boffin. I would never have thought you didn't feel like that. I'm sorry."

"It that's true, would you be willing to keep in touch even if I'm not working for MI6 anymore?"

"If you're no- WHAT!?" – Said the two agents together.

"You heard. We'll you be interested in me even if I'm not your Quartermaster anymore?"

"But you ARE the Quartermaster! It's just stupid to pretend you're not when you are and-"

"But I won't be anymore. I'm leaving, guys."

"NO!" – Shouted both of them together.

"Yes. It's done, there's no taking it back now. But, if you're interested in being friends. I mean, really, this time. I would be glad."

J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B

"Your understanding means a lot to me, Bill." – Q said gratefully, accepting a small, plastic cup of tea from the older man. It was sadly not his usual Earl Grey, but the hospital vending machine only had your average lemon tea to offer. Still, it was better than nothing.

"I'm not happy about your decision but if you really don't feel good about working here anymore than perhaps this is for the best. I really-really don't want you to do anything as stupid as joining a gang anymore, Q." – Admonished the man gently, sipping his own favorless coffee with a grimace.

Q smiled sheepishly.

"I'll never do that again. I've learnt my lesson: those who want to change who I am, aren't my real friends. Real friends want me for myself."

"Exactly. Now I really don't know why you don't feel that I want you for who you are…"

"It's not because of you, Bill! Really. I think I'm just tired of this… whole life. I wish for something else. I would like to keep in touch though. Maybe even meet your kids sometime? I like children you know. I understand if you don't want to leave them alone with me, especially after all that's happened, and it's fine but-"

"I'd be glad to have you as a babysitter if you really think you're up to dealing with them. I just didn't want to burden you; not because of lack of trust, but because I knew how tired you are from all the work and I also know that my kids are a handful. I thought you'd want to rest not run after two hyperactive little devils."

"I actually would love to run after them."

"Then it's a deal!"

J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B

Two days later, Q entered M's office, having received a 'come in' response to his knock. M seemed to have aged at least twenty years over the past few days; or maybe it was just Q's eyes playing tricks on him. Whatever the reason, the kind man looked really weary and tired right now.

"Quartermaster. Please, take a seat."

"Thank you, sir. You wanted to talk to me? I take it, it's about the letter I sent to you…"

"Yes. I withheld it for the time-being, hoping, we could talk about it, and you'd change your mind…"

"No, sir. I won't. I'm sorry." – The man looked close to tears. – "But I'm willing to explain my reasons, if that'll help?"

M sighed.

"Do tell me, please. I want to understand. You know, I won't even begin to deny that what you did was foolish at best and I should probably suspend you for it. But I won't. I wouldn't. You've been through a lot lately and everyone is allowed to make mistakes. And thanks to your courage to ask for help at the very last moment, nobody got seriously hurt. You shouldn't feel like you have to leave because of it. I also understand why you felt like you had to tell the others the truth about your little 'undercover mission'. It's fine. We can just forget this ever happened…"

Q hated how hopeful the leader of MI6 sounded, and he hated even more to have to shatter that hope.

"Sir… ahm… This is not the reason I want to leave. This was just… Let's say: the last straw."

"Then what? What happened to you?"

"I just feel like I'm not doing enough here. I mean, those people I got arrested a few days ago? They were my friends! Sure, they were what you'd call 'bad company' but they accepted me and offered me a team to belong to. I saw into their lives and I learnt their stories. They're just young adults you know, and they never had a chance."

"What do you mean by 'never had a chance'?"

"I mean that they didn't have rich parents, a supporting family, good education, decently paying jobs… They were on the edge of society; invisible to 'normal people' until they make trouble. And then the authorities come and get them and everything is fine again because the 'normal people' won't have to see them anymore. Problem solved. It's just sad."

"Yes, it is. But that's what life is like, Q. You've seen your fair share of horrible things, don't tell me you only just got confronted with real life?"

"No, of course not. But it's one thing to know about it and totally different to be in it. I was with them! I went with them to clubs and I saw them taking drugs and drink until they fell over! Well, you know what: I participated!" – M squeezed his eyes shut as if it could spare him having to picture the young man in these situations. – "They told me how they lost their parents or how their siblings were murdered. We walked the streets and everyone just turned away, muttering 'rascals' even when we weren't doing anything wrong. This group… they keep together because they can't rely on anyone else."

"I'm glad you're not with them anymore."

"Well, the point is: I don't want to be the one designing weapons that will be used against people like that."

"We use weapons against terrorist, Q. That's totally different. Our missions-"

"Our missions, sir, with all due respect, require more money each than what could help hundreds of people escape a fate like that and maybe; just maybe; prevent them becoming terrorists in the first place! I'm not saying there wouldn't be bad guys at all; I'm not that naïve. But I also know that lots of people could do better if they just had a chance to prove themselves!"

"And that chance would be what? Give them money?"

"No. But it's not fair that we should give certain agents luxury car after luxury car to crash to their heart's desire; to have to foot the bill of luxurious hotels all around the world because it's the most comfortable place to bring women to…" Or if we do, we shouldn't be surprised that normal people look at us; and under 'us' I mean the whole military and government; and only see thieves who steal hard-working taxpayers' money while others are struggling to even survive day by day. I'm not going to be a part of that anymore."

"And what would you like to do then?"

"I have a few ideas though nothing specific yet. I know I want to help people like that before they become criminals. I believe most of them aren't born bad; the circumstances make them that way. I can relate to being ignored and feeling like you're out of glass. That people just look through you instead of at you. Or feeling like nobody really knows you and they don't make the effort to get to know you at all."

At that, M looked decidedly horrified.

"Is that really how you've felt here?"

"Mostly… Anyway, I want to show these people that life can be different. Better."

M sighed for what was the hundredth time, looking for all the world like tons of weights were pulling down his shoulders.

"All right, Q. I'll accept your resignation with heavy heart then. I can't really do anything else. I want you to know that I'm honestly very sorry that things have gotten this bad and it was never my intention to make you feel that way."

"I know that, sir. And it's okay: it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. It's something about me… I'll have to work on it. To be more myself and not hide behind a façade."

"I would like you to know that it was an honor having you with us and I will still consider you a dear friend even when you'll be gone. I hope we'll meet again someday."

"I'm sure we will. And I thank you sir, for everything. It's been an honor for me too and I think I've learnt a lot. I haven't regretted coming to work here. I just feel that it's time to leave now."

"All right. I will have to take your credentials and we'll have lots of paperwork to reinstate your civil personality…"

And with that, Q wasn't Q anymore, but a certain Sebastian Holt who had mysteriously disappeared some years ago, came back to life instead.

J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B * J * B

6 months later…

Months later, Sebastian – previously known as 'Q' – couldn't have been happier about his decision to leave MI6 to pursue his own dreams. In just half a year he had done more good for the community than in his entire life before that, and that made him happy.

Yes: he was happy. Very much so in fact. With guest-lecturing at several universities of Europe, he had the opportunity to keep up his scientific work and research, especially on his favorite fields: mathematics and physics. Computer sciences came a close second, followed by chemistry. He enjoyed working with young students – the programmers and experts of the future. Looking at them, all hope in humanity sparkled to life in him again. He was glad that he didn't only see the dark side of people anymore, like he had before.

His previous shyness and awkwardness were all but totally gone now; not being tucked away and hidden from everything and everyone constantly underground worked miracles to a man, it would seem. He had no problems communicating with others now and had lots of new friends – the right kind who didn't expect him to do drugs or smoke in their company to put up with him and who didn't only want to talk about work all the time.

Aside from teaching and researching, Sebastian occasionally assisted at public high schools, with special focus on troubled, high-risk children. He had made it his mission to catch them in time, preferably before they started on a downhill road that could ruin their lives. He did his best to help these children straighten out their futures and get better perspectives for them than just lingering at the edge of society or mixing with bad company. He considered this his most important task of all and gave it his best efforts.

Currently, he was living in Paris and he adored every minute he spent in that beautiful city. Of course, by now he'd had to get over his fear of flying with his work bringing him to a different country almost weekly but still, he preferred trains as means for traveling whenever possible. He had found a new hobby as well: travelling. He had never known before that so many wonderful places existed. Usually, when he had a day off, he would buy a ticket for the train and just went where it would take him. He had visited many previously for him completely unknown little towns like that lately, and he sometimes even had company.

Now he had three whole days just for relaxing and was how he had ended up in London St. Pancras, for the first time since he had left that fateful day after saying goodbye to his life as Quartermaster. Up until now, he had consciously avoided coming back to the city, preferring to let his emotions completely settle down before visiting again. Now, he felt, it was time. Dragging his luggage like a naughty dog on a leash and maneuvering through the hurrying crowds at the busy Eurostar station, he tried looking over the heads of people to see if he could spot the man who had enthusiastically offered to pick him up upon arrival.

Sure enough, he soon saw an agitated Tanner making his way towards him with difficulty, every now and again colliding with someone, muttering 'excuse me's and 'I'm sorry's all the way. Sebastian had to stifle a chuckle: Bill surely hadn't changed anything. He opted to just stay put and wait for the older man patiently.

Soon, he felt a friendly squeeze on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry for making you wait. I didn't expect this station to be that crowded."

"It's okay, I'm happy to see you, Bill." – He assured as they embraced.

"And I'm happy to see you! You look very good. Relaxed and contented. How are you, Sebastian?"

While talking, they had started towards the exit, where Tanner had parked the car.

"I'm super! I have so much to tell you guys and I want to hear everything that's been going on here."

"Oh, you will. The others are already in the club, waiting for us. Everyone's there, even M! They're so excited that you're finally here again; Eve couldn't concentrate on her work the whole day. 006 and 007 haven't been speaking about anything but you for two days now. And your minions have a surprise for you, I think, though please, don't tell them I warned you. They still consider you their Overlord, you know."

They had just reached the car; the same one Sebastian – as Q back then of course – had restored and tuned up for Tanner for his 40th birthday.

"Wow. You know what, Bill?"

"What?"

"It's good to be back." – It really was. He didn't wish his old life as Quartermaster back but still, he had missed his previous colleagues. And true to their promise, they had stayed interested in him even though he wasn't working with them anymore.

They wrote e-mails and talked on the phone at least twice a month and now he undoubtedly considered them friends. There was no question about that anymore.

As they were driving through London's rush hour traffic with Bill impatiently tapping in the steering wheel, Sebastian couldn't help but think: 'Life is perfect'.