A/N: I bring you 11k worth of crack as an apology for months of silence. This is longer than any other chapter for this story and it got a little tedious for me but I rallied on, because for some reason it bothered me that I didn't write everything down. So please enjoy.

Also, the designation can be a little confusing/irritating. Sometime I use Japanese (ex: otou-san) and sometimes I use English (ex: father). Why? Because while I believe it sounds better in Japanese, the label is more specific in English. Like you call a person obaa-chan in Japanese, whereas in English what I really mean is grandaunt, not grandmother or aunt. So yep. Please bear with it. If not, click the back button. Also, there's a veritable amount of yaoi ships here. No like, no read.

Oh, and this chapter is in honor of the wonderful being that is black. k . kat, as some of this chapter's pairings are inspired by her fics. Go check out her stories guys, they're amazing.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Naruto. They are owned by J.K. Rowling and Masashi Kishimoto respectively.

Warnings: Canon-shattering, Fugaku-bashing (and yep, unfortunately he's the scapegoat in this fic), general crack and mayhem all around

Pairings: femHarry/Hashirama, MadaTobi, MinaKushi, KakaObi, OroSaku/OroJira, and whatever pairing your brain might want to conjure

…

"We're not aging."

Madara screamed and flung a katon jutsu at the red-eyed Senju that suddenly appeared in his room. While he was undressing. Tobirama lazily doused the fireball headed his way with a weak water technique, the action ingrained after having received this kind of reaction from Madara for years already.

"SENJU! What the fuck?! Have you never heard of privacy, you sick, perverted sonofabitch—"

"There's nothing underneath there that I haven't seen before." Tobirama said pointedly and Madara glared at him before re-enacting his favorite pastime of feigning ignorance at Tobirama's words.

"What is so dire that you needed to break into my quarters in broad daylight?" Madara asks with a touch of sarcasm, pulling a yukata over his shoulder because he was a civilized person who preferred to have clothes on in front of company unlike some people…

Instead of rising to his bait, Tobirama's frown deepened.

"What," Madara stilled, brows furrowing at the tenseness in Tobirama's eyes. "That serious?"

A distracted nod was his answer.

It was serious indeed, and after listening to Tobirama's concern without the acerbic attitude he usually displayed, Madara sighed and crossed his arms in thought.

"This has one person written all over it, don't you think?" The Uchiha head said rhetorically, and Tobirama's lips twisted into a reluctant smile, both of them eyeing each other with knowing looks.

"To Hashirama's place, then?"

"Let's."

…

Senju Hikaru laid a sleeping Hekishoku down his crib, green eyes widening at her brother and brother-in-law's question. Despite the stark contrast between them— with Madara in black and blood red and Tobirama in white and dark blue— both men had the same look on their faces; carefully blank, eyes inquiring, the set of their mouth slightly turned down in a frown.

Hikaru knew they wouldn't appreciate the comparison despite the fact that the whole village knew what was going on behind closed doors, so she hid a smile and addressed their query.

"I think I might have the answer you need." Hikaru said, nodding.

She had long since recounted her origins to her brothers, of Death and prophecies and magic. And while they felt upset and betrayed over the fact that she told Hashirama first and not to them when they were younger, they had been so very understanding of the burden she carried, and she loved them all the more for their easy acceptance.

"It has something to do with my… previous status." Hikaru said, adjusting Hekishoku's blanket when he began to fuss in his sleep. "It's nothing dangerous or permanent. It just… slows everything down."

Tobirama looked thoughtful at her answer. "I see. I thought so. It's the same with Hashirama too. And Touka and Izuna."

Madara rounded on the white-haired Senju, looking mildly scandalized. "Wait. You mean to tell me you experimented on your brother and my brother and his wife too—"

"Don't be so dramatic, Uchiha. Cell sampling is hardly an experiment—"

"It's still fucking creepy; you fiddling with bits of us—"

"I'll turn you into bits if you so obliged, imbecile—"

Hikaru rolled her eyes and flung another Muffliato over her son's crib just in case the first one wasn't strong enough to filter out his uncles' high-pitched voices.

…

Izuna looked torn.

His face was mildly scrunched up, foot tapping erratically. He alternated between glancing at his wife and his sister, unable to grasp the fact proposed to them by Hikaru.

The others waited patiently over cups of hot tea, the sound of their children laughing in the background further grounding their choices.

Hashirama knew beforehand. And he had long since made up his mind. He would go wherever Hikaru went and if Hikaru wanted to go through lifetimes, then he would follow. Such was his love for her. It had gained him a wide, breathtaking smile from his wife and with that, there was no changing Hashirama's decision.

"And besides," he had added cheerily. "We haven't seen the rest of the world yet. I love Konoha dearly but there's just so much to see and do!"

And it was a way to look over their children and their descendants. It pained him, the thought of their children possibly dying before them, but Hashirama didn't like to think about it and Hikaru had quietly reassured that they could go forward and rest if it felt like too much.

Hashirama's shoulders had eased at her promise and he kissed her temple in gratitude.

Madara didn't take too long to think about it. He didn't have children to make him hesitate and he saw the opportunity Hikaru offered as another form of power. Even though he had mellowed down, had somehow found peace in his war-weary heart, Madara was never one to turn down power and ambition and the chance to gain more skill. So he accepted.

Tobirama followed after Madara. But for him it was more out of curiosity. He wanted to see it happening to himself and to the others, wanted to see it in fruition. And maybe he was also pleased at the idea, at the thought that he had all the opportunity in the world to amass knowledge and answers to questions that he had no chance to figure out at this day and age. It was the scientist in him talking, and since Tobirama was more logic than emotion, he accepted.

Not Izuna or Touka, though. They did not make a choice so lightly, and even now they could not give a straight answer.

"It's just… unthinkable." Izuna sighed, lacing his hands with a blank-faced Touka. "I don't really know what to say."

"I can stop it, nii-san." Hikaru said quietly, a sliver of guilt entering her. It was her fault after all. It was a subconscious power of hers, one she didn't realize she was projecting until Hashirama offhandedly mentioned that someone complimented him on his youthful, unwrinkled face despite the fact that he had more responsibilities piled on him as Hokage compared to the next ten people below him in rank.

Their faces were now lined with stress marks while Hashirama didn't look a day over thirty.

"It's fine, Hikaru-chan. Don't looks so guilty." Touka smiled in reassurance. "But I guess it now makes sense why kunoichi and even noble women keep on asking me about what cream or lotion I use on my face. They don't believe me when I say soap and water."

Tobirama snorted, and the atmosphere eased.

In the end, Izuna and Touka decided on a wait-and-see approach. They just didn't see the use of saying yes. They did not crave for more power like Madara or hungered for knowledge like Tobirama. They loved Hikaru of course, but not in the way like Hashirama's own devotion could transcend time and space. Izuna and Touka were happy and content with their lives, and unless something truly dire happened, they preferred to consume the rest of their natural days.

Everyone respected their decision. Hikaru smiled and hugged her brother and sister-in-law, turning to leave with her husband before Izuna stopped her with a question.

"What about Mito-chan?" he asked. "Doesn't she have the same, er—condition?"

Mito had married a fellow Uzu shinobi, the man slated to be the next Uzukage. She had given up her position as diplomat and settled down on the island village to support her husband, although she did try to visit as much as she could.

"Ah… No, she doesn't." Hikaru said with a shake of her head. "She's not around as often as before, and proximity seems to affect this power of mine."

"And she's Uzumaki." Touka said thoughtfully. "If there's one clan who wouldn't need a gift like yours, Hikaru-chan, it's them."

"That's right," Hikaru said, a melancholy smile touching her lips before she turned her back on them. "And she said no, anyway."

…

Decades later

Namikaze Minato looked up from his mountain of paperwork as loud stomps and muffled screams echoed outside his office. The Godaime sighed and dropped his pen, wondering what kind of headache he was due for today.

"Minato!" The enraged female roar reverberated around the building.

'Ahh…' The Hokage slumped as he recognized the voice, waving a hand at his ANBU to stand down.

She won't kill him. Hopefully.

The door opened with such force that the wood almost shattered against the wall. A busty blonde-haired woman stomped inside with a fierce scowl on her face.

"Tsunade-nee." Minato sighed in greeting, offering a faint smile at his enraged cousin.

"I told you to tell your son that the hospital is off-limits!" Tsunade fumed at him, slamming her hands on his desk. Minato winced at the creak. The desk was an antique… It was their grandfather Hashirama's desk… "I don't care if your brat wages a prank war at the whole village and floods the streets in orange paint; we have patients in the hospital! Patients that need healing!"

"What did Naruto do this time?" Minato frowned. He specifically told his eldest to lay-off his tricks for the moment after a squad of ANBU almost broke down crying in front of him. It was practically a rite of passage for the black ops to go through a 'Naruto hunt' before being initiated.

His elite shinobi dreaded it.

Personally, Minato believed it to be some sort of ANBU hazing. He loved his son dearly but he wouldn't wish his pranks on his worst enemy.

A budding saboteur, their Naruto was. Kushina couldn't be prouder.

"He sent a bunch of letters to half of the active chunin and jounin inside the village with my signature on it," Tsunade said angrily. "For a prostate exam!"

Minato coughed violently. "Come again?"

"A prostate exam!" Tsunade screeched, shaking her fists at her fellow blonde. "I've got shinobi lining up in my office to get their asses checked, Minato!"

A guffaw broke out of the Hokage's mouth before he could stop it. "What, really?"

"Minato!"

"Sorry, Tsunade-nee." He coughed again to hide his mirth. "But I'm pretty sure this isn't Naruto's doing. No, think about it." He said when Tsunade opened her mouth to protest. "How could he have written a letter that fooled our top-tier shinobi into thinking that you wrote and signed it? Promising fuuinjutsu genius or not, Naruto's forgery skills are not that good. And he's eight, nee-san. He still thinks girls are icky and cooties are real. He doesn't even know how babies are made, let alone…" he snorted. "What a prostate is."

A muffled snicker came from the shadows. Minato idly noted to confiscate Kakashi's porn for a week.

Thankfully, Tsunade saw the logic in Minato's words before she could crack anymore antiques. She frowned, lips pursing as she crossed her arms in anger. "Well who could've done it?"

Minato shrugged, although he was a little curious as well. Konoha was home to several pranksters after all, and heaven knows every shinobi had that one little vindictive voice in their head that wanted to burn everything in sight.

And the forgery was a little concerning. If someone could easily fake the Head Medic's signature that easily, then there might be a breach in security. Although, his shinobi might just have taken the fake signature as an excuse to be personally checked-on by Tsunade… Still, that still left the question of who did it…

"Maybe—"

But he wasn't able to voice out his thoughts because a blonde blur suddenly tumbled inside his office like a bowling ball, tiny body rolling around the hardwood floor and stopping just an inch behind Tsunade's high heels.

Blue eyes, whiskered cheeks, and a cheerful smile, Namikaze Naruto blinked at the ceiling before righting himself up and running to his father. "Hiya, tou-chan!"

"Naruto." Minato sighed with fondness, ruffling his son's hair. "What have you been up to now?"

"I gotta friend!"

Minato paused from patting his son's head and drew back warily. The last time Naruto had said those three words, he almost gave the visiting Kazekage and his guards a heart attack after he sidled next to Rasa's youngest and practically kidnapped the red-headed boy.

Sabaku no Gaara had proven to be a sweet child, blinking sleepily at a babbling Naruto before offering a confused smile at the Hokage's son clinging to him like a leech. Unfortunately, his overprotective siblings hadn't been as amiable. Rasa's only daughter had swung her giant fan at Naruto with a war cry and his older son had tried to tackle the blonde kidnapper.

Thakfully, Rasa had taken the children's actions with a mild headache and Konoha managed to prevent an international incident. Naruto even got a pen pal in the form of Gaara, although Minato had to stress out to his son that no, we do not kidnap future friends.

"Friend, Naruto?" Minato said with the wariness of someone holding an unstable explosive tag.

Tsunade snorted at his tone and Minato sent her a withering look.

"Shi-nii and Obi-nii are bringing him." Naruto chirped.

Oh, kami. Reinforcements. And if Obito and Shisui had to bring Naruto's 'friend' in, then it had to be bad. And if anything happened to those two…

Minato grimaced. He may be related to them, but the Uchiha wouldn't hesitate to stage a coup if anything happened to their beloved heir and spare—

A knock on the Hokage's office door resounded like the Shinigami's bell. Minato called out weakly for them to come in and almost groaned at the sight of the wickedly smirking boy gliding in between the two Uchiha.

Long, burnt red-orange hair, kohl-lined slated eyes, a fox-like smirk. The exotic-looking child was wearing a lavish yukata, red and black with the stitched silk outline of nine weaving orange flames at the back.

Nine flames that looked like tails.

"Kura-kun!" Naruto cheered, wiggling out of Minato's hold and flinging himself onto the redhead. Obito and Shisui took the opportunity to slink away and watch the procedures in the safety of the shadows, Obito signaling a hasty salute at his sensei before leaving.

"Tou-chan! Kura-kun's my new friend!" Naruto beamed, arms still snaked around the bijuu in disguise.

Tsunade smirked, most of her anger dissipating as she watched her cousin crumple in despair.

And people wondered why she never wanted the hat.

"Only my son would present a bijuu as a friend to me." Minato muttered, slumping on his desk. He stared at the Kyuubi with despairing eyes before gathering himself enough for a greeting. "Kurama-san."

"Flaky blonde." Kurama grinned before swiveling his eyes on Tsunade. "Other blondie. How did you like my letter?"

"Letter…" Brown eyes blinked before her rage returned in full force. "It was you?! Why I oughta—"

The Kyuubi cackled before weaving away from the fist Tsunade threw at him. Before Minato could say a word, Kurama had taken Naruto with him and dropped below a window, Tsunade's enraged screams echoing after the two.

"I'm going to skin his pelt off, see how he likes it." the female sannin hissed, leaking killing intent. "I bet I can strangle that wily fox, tou-san's godfather or no—"

"With the barest amount of property damage I hope," Minato said before visibly deflating. "Rasa's missive makes much more sense now."

Tsunade raised a brow in question.

"The Kazekage sent me a letter." Minato explained. "More of a warning, really. It seems that Gaara-kun made a new friend out of a brown-haired, temperamental boy with odd black markings and possessing the Magnet Release to boot. Three guesses on who it is, and the first two don't count."

"The Ichibi Shukaku, then?" Tsunade said, hands on her hips. "Then Jiraiya's reports were true, after all. The bijuu are popping all over the villages. I didn't believe him when he told me that the Nibi and Hachibi were hanging out in Kumo. Something about a blonde kunoichi and that rapper brother of the Raikage."

"And Yagura having tea with Isobu-san." Minato said, exasperated. "I thought sensei was a little out of it for sending such a ludicrous report but now I see he wasn't lying." Then he blanched. "Oh, kami. Does this mean the Kyuubi likes Naruto? Like he was fond of grandmother Hikaru and uncle Kinoe? What if he stays inside the village? What if he appears at dinner? What would Kushina say?"

Tsunade snorted. "Not my problem, brat."

A whoosh of air blew through the window as the Toad Sage crouched by the window of his student's office. Jiraiya grinned at them both. "Minato. Your boy's making a mess of your face on the Hokage mountain with a redheaded brat, a pink-haired girl, Fugaku's youngest, and Hizashi's kid. The last three seemed a little reluctant though."

Minato craned his head to see his rock head image sporting glittering purple hair. He could make out the tiny dot that was his son in the distance, along with his little accomplices. Before he could issue out orders or bemoan his fate (whichever came out of his mouth first), Obito, being his most helpful, favorite student, was already dragging Kakashi and Shisui by the door.

"We'll deal with this, sensei. I'll tag Itachi-kun along to pick up his brother." Obito said cheerfully, bowing at Jiraiya and Tsunade when he passed them.

"I don't remember signing up for anything." Kakashi complained as he was pulled away by the ear.

"Neither did I." Shisui chirped out before the door closed behind them.

"Well that's that." Jiraiya said, dropping from his crouch by the window. "Hey, hime. Have you seen Orochi-teme?"

Minato turned to Tsunade. "I need to see Yondaime-sama as well, actually. I need his assistance with some diplomatic affairs regarding Nami."

Tsunade looked at the two expectant men incredulously. "Excuse me? Among the three of us, who is; one, running a spy network, and two, the head of the village? Why are you looking at me like I'm about to pull Orochimaru out of my pocket?"

"Well, you live with Yondaime-sama." Minato pointed out.

And he's your adopted cousin, went unsaid. The Nidaime Tobirama had adopted Orochimaru when the Sannin was just an orphaned toddler, probably to spite the elders nagging him into marrying for heirs. Considering Tobirama died stubbornly unmarried, the Senju clan had been all too happy to accept Orochimaru, if only to make sure that Tobirama's legacy remained.

And it paid off, considering Orochimaru was just as brilliant as his adopted father.

"He only has his stuff in his room in the Senju manor." Tsunade said, exasperated. "He doesn't live there anymore. Nawaki says he hasn't been sleeping at the manor for weeks. And stop calling him Yondaime-sama, Minato. He's not the Hokage anymore. He abdicated years ago and you grew up around the three of us, for kami's sake."

"I've always felt the need to be formal around him, especially when I took the hat." Minato said sheepishly. "And you still haven't told us if you know where he is."

"He's in Oto." Tsunade said finally, crossing her arms. "You know he takes a week away from the village every month to visit his labs. Although I still have no idea what he gets to in that depressing place. I know he built a base there but…"

Minato shrugged. He didn't understand either. After ditching the position seven years into taking office (although now he understood why due to the sheer paperwork) the Yondaime Orochimaru set up a little village in Rice Country and practically lived there now, tinkering with the experiments he had neglected during his brief stint as Hokage. Some say he set up base miles away from Konoha because the council continued to loudly complain at him for resigning from his responsibilities, but Minato thinks it may have something to do with him being fond of the cold weather there.

And being fond of heading his own village filled with crazy like-minded scientists. There was that too.

"Got it. To Oto then. Might be a little dreary but hey, I might convince him to let me warm him up." Jiraiya said with a grin.

"Too much information, sensei." Minato grimaced.

"Good luck with that, Jiraiya. As if Sakumo would let you anywhere near his lovely." Tsunade mocked.

"Prude brat. And whatever, Tsunade. I am so this close to convincing Sakumo to share. Just you wait." Jiraiya vowed before disappearing with a poof of air.

Minato refused to think about his sensei's parting reply. The odd relationship Orochimaru-sama and his sensei shared was not one he wanted any elaboration on. Technically, the Snake Sannin was in mutual cohabitation with Kakashi's father (and that was another fact Minato didn't want to dwell on), but that didn't stop people from talking whenever Jiraiya chased after his teammate despite being batted away by an irate Sakumo.

It was like the rumors about Orochimaru-sama's adoptive father, the Nidaime, and Uchiha Madara all over again.

It was never proven that the two founders were together in that sense, since even official history had it written that the two were often bitter adversaries. But family gossip tended to be passed on verbally, and there were too many elder Senju and Uchiha who swore up and down that Madara and Tobirama shared quarters whenever the rest of the village looked away.

Like his sensei's love life, it was something Minato didn't want to hear about either.

"I forever regret telling Jiraiya about the wonders of bisexuality." Tsunade grimaced. "Stupid pervert. How was I supposed to know he just needed that one tiny push?"

"Wait, you're the reason sensei 'discovered the same side of the fence'?" Minato glowered. "I didn't know that! And for kami's sake, why? I already got enough flak from women for being sensei's student when I was a kid. It even grew worse when men began shooting me the same dirty looks for being associated with him!"

Tsunade snorted, unaffected by Minato's anger. She still saw him as her little baby cousin after all, for all that he was an S-rank shinobi. "I had a good reason back then, brat. Something about hoping that he'd stop perving on me. So I told him that he was missing out on half of the people of the world. Fat lot of good it did. Now the idiot's chasing after me and Orochimaru. And it doesn't help that Orochimaru looks too girly for his own good." Tsunade grumbled, crossing her arms. "Anyway. I'll head back to my office and try to do something about that line of prostate exams; might try to wring Kurama's neck if I could—"

"Please don't."

"—but before I leave, how's Kushina?"

"Fine." Minato said, brightening at the mention of his wife. "Recovering, but you know her clan. Nothing keeps them down."

"I still say she should've stayed at the hospital." Tsunade said with the impatience of a healer, lips pursed. "We don't know anything about that… thing that attacked her."

"It was a plant, nee-san." Minato said. "Granted, it was the zombie plant man out of our bedtime horror stories, but it was a plant nevertheless."

"Mmm… And who would've thought that grandmother Hikaru's stories were real after all?" Tsunade said in wonder. "But that's not the point! She could've caught diseases!"

"The only she caught from it was a bigger aversion to vegetables and that isn't even new, considering the only greens she eats are the bamboo shoots from her ramen." Minato said, amused. "I am taking precautions, however. She won't like it but she's getting a ban from outside missions. I don't care what she says, but if grandmother Hikaru's stories are really true, it only attacks seal masters. I'm not taking any chances with my wife."

Tsunade hummed in approval and left soon after, but not before opening the door for Shisui to enter. Minato dropped his pen and internally mourned that he was really not going to get any work done today.

Well, there was the Kage Bunshin…

"Hokage-sama." Shisui greeted, a roughish grin on his face. "You'd be happy to know that your rock face is now glitter-free and is as fresh as newly mixed cement."

"Thank you, Shisui-kun." Minato said with a wry tone. "Although that's not really what you're here for. You used the door today. Out with it."

"Well, I was going to give you a reprieve, Hokage-sama, but since you asked... I need all the forms to legally name Itachi-kun as next in line for the Uchiha clan after me." Shisui said, dropping his grin and adapting a graver expression as he took the seat across Minato. "If Obito-nii's really serious about ditching heirship—and I really think he is, he's been moving his shit to Kakashi-senpai's house—then I need to name my second. I'd prefer to have someone trustworthy to lead our madhouse of a clan if I ever kick the bucket. I chose Itachi, and Obito-nii agrees."

"Itachi-kun?" Minato blinked, leaning on his chair. "Fugaku's son?"

"Hai, Hokage-sama." Shisui nodded with fervor.

"But why Itachi? I'm not questioning his capabilities but he's a slightly distant relation to be named heir." Minato asked with a frown. "After Obito and you, wouldn't the next in line be…"

Minato trailed off as he connected the dots. Then he blanched.

"Oh. Right. I can't believe I forgot." the blonde Hokage groaned, shaking his head.

Shisui grinned. "Afraid so, Godaime-sama."

…

Decades ago, there had been a ruckus within the Uchiha clan when the current head, Uchiha Madara, refused to be nagged into marrying. As he remained childless, the headship of the clan fell to his nephew, his brother Izuna's child, Itaru.

Uchiha Itaru made a splendid clan head, but he married really late in life, died soon afterwards, and only had one child, Minato's student, Obito.

Now this was where it became problematic. Obito had been an airhead as a child, but he flourished on his own and was now a shinobi the Uchiha clan was proud to call its heir. Unfortunately, due to the strict and almost harsh treatment he received as a child, Obito now refused to be tied down and would often flee to the Hatake estate whenever someone mentions the word 'heir' at his ear. He still took responsibilities when he had no choice, but he was forever looking for someone to replace him, all the while hiding out at his teammate's place.

Sakumo found this amusing somehow and decided to grant Obito honorary status within his clan.

Given that Minato was sure Obito was dating Kakashi, it would only be a matter of time before things became official anyway.

But Obito ditching his duties made things difficult. The Uchiha were used to clan members skiving their responsibilities (it was rumored that Uchiha Izuna made claw marks on the floor when his elder brother tried to drag him into completing paperwork) but it still left the future leadership of the Uchiha in question.

Since Uchiha Madara was childless, Uchiha Izuna had no child other than his son Itaru, and Itaru's only son tended to use Kamui just to escape his fate as clan heir, that left the descendants of Senju Hikaru as next in line.

Many would think that the Uchiha clan would never allow someone with Senju blood as their future leader, especially one descended from Senju Hashirama's line. But given that Izuna's wife, Uchiha-Senju Touka, had beaten the elders into accepting her son Itaru as clan head decades ago, it wasn't surprising that not many Uchiha protested the idea of having a part-Senju as an heir.

And since the Uchiha succession was line-dependent and not gender-biased, they would completely exhaust the descendants of the main branch before looking for other heirs, even including females to the lineup.

Now it was well-known that Senju Hashirama and Uchiha Hikaru had three children; Kinoe-sama, Maika-hime, and Hekishoku-sama. Senju Kinoe was named clan head after his father, and his line was now considered as the main family of the Senju. He had two children, Tsunade-hime and Nawaki-kun; the latter being groomed as the future Senju clan head after manifesting the fabled Mokuton at twelve.

Minato heard that Nawaki ditched his duties as often as Obito. He wondered if they were twins separated by time and space.

Since Kinoe-sama's line was jealously guarded by the Senju, being the only line that produced Mokuton, people went down another notch and looked into Senju Maika's descendants for possible heirs for the Uchiha.

Now the red-haired Senju-Uchiha hime was troublesome. There were stories on how her uncles—Madara, Izuna, and Tobirama— encouraged her feisty attitude to prevent boys from getting near her, and so she had declared that she would never marry until someone had defeated her. Given that she was the strongest Katon user in the history of Konoha, with a reputation on par with her uncle Tobirama's mastery over Suiton, it was no surprise that there were plenty of bruised and burned male egos at that time.

Maika married a man named Uchiha Shinobu, a fairly distant relation despite his surname. This made her descendants viable candidates for clan headship since she married a pure Uchiha along with being one-fourth Uchiha herself.

Maika-hime only had one child however, a son she named Kagami, who in turn also only had one child to his name. Uchiha Shisui.

The same child grinning at Minato cheekily right now.

This made Shisui next in line for clan head after Obito.

It should have settled the matter, but clan traditions declared that there should always be an heir and a spare. With Obito most possibly ditching clan headship to Shisui, another spare had to be found. And since Shisui was an only child like Obito, that left Maika-hime's line without any more candidates, and so people turned to look down at Senju Hikaru's youngest child, Hekishoku-sama.

Like his cousin Itaru, Senju Hekishoku married late in life and had one son. A son who had Hekishoku's green eyes and his wife's blonde hair, and who Hekishoku decided should take his wife's surname in order to allow the boy freedom from the weight of a clan.

And so, Senju Hekishoku's only child was thusly named Namikaze Minato.

…

Uchiha Obito is the Uchiha clan's wayward heir. Fact.

Uchiha Shisui is next in line if Obito elopes into the Hatake clan. Another widely-known fact.

The Hokage is technically third in line to inherit according to Uchiha clan tradition. A very, very weird fact.

It was something that Shisui liked to remind people of quite often. If only to savor the blank looks and bewildered stares.

"You know, I'm only one-eighth of an Uchiha. Heck, I'm even more of a Senju than an Uchiha. How am I still in consideration for clan headship?" Minato grumbled. "Also, village charter states that only a person with the clan's bloodline could inherit. Since I don't have the Sharingan, I'd like to remind you that I'm very much out of the running, Shisui-kun." The green-eyed Hokage suddenly beamed at Shisui. It was an eerie smile, one that promised pain if he didn't drop the matter.

Shisui laughed nervously, fighting the urge to say that that particular clan charter didn't exist until someone helpfully pointed out that the Hokage was technically a possible heir for the Uchiha clan.

The village had never seen the Hokage convene the clan heads so fast before. It was like the Hiraishin being applied to ten people.

Also, the charter wasn't strictly followed. Tsunade-hime had been the heiress of the Senju for years despite not having the Mokuton (although it was mostly due to the fucking rarity of the Shodai's bloodline). It wasn't until Nawaki gained the Mokuton at twelve did the Slug Princess gleefully dump all her clan responsibilities at her younger brother before barricading herself at the hospital.

But that wasn't the point, Shisui thought, still grinning at his uncle Minato. The point was that the Hokage was third in line and would be second if Obito bails and a replacement wasn't found.

"You know, I've repressed that idea already." Minato grumbled at his nephew. "Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be related to both clans, but the Uchiha is… er…"

"Weird." Obito supplied in greeting, suddenly appearing by the open window. "Very weird."

Shisui scowled but didn't deny it.

"And intense. About several things." Minato sighed, bidding his student (who was also his cousin) to come in. "It's like you people get tunnel vision when something catches your interest. Like you with your Shunshin. And Obito with helping people. And Itachi-kun with his little brother."

Obito shrugged, not denying it.

"What does Fugaku think about this?" Minato asked, wariness evident in his voice. Obito and Shisui exchanged an amused grin and the Hokage shook his head at them.

Uchiha Fugaku was the Military Police Head. He also held quite a large amount of disdain and resentment for the Hokage.

As a child, Minato decided not to publicly reveal his blood relation to either founding clans of Konoha, keeping his identity as Senju Hekishouku's only child under wraps. It wasn't that hard to remain unknown as his father had been a wanderer and had left the village to explore the continent as a young man (Minato himself was born in Iwa, a fact not widely-known). So while everybody knew that the Shodaime had three children, not many people knew Senju Hekishoku.

Minato had been dropped off at the village the moment he was old enough to enter the Academy. Instead of staying at either the Uchiha or Senju compounds, he decided to rent his own place. Of course both clan heads that time knew who he was; his uncles Senju Kinoe and Uchiha Itaru (his father's older brother and first cousin) had welcomed him wholeheartedly, but Minato decided that he preferred the anonymity of being unrelated to any clan, finding it refreshing that he was acknowledged for who he was rather than the illustrious families he hailed from.

However, Fugaku did not appreciate his presence.

Uchiha Fugaku was descended from Uchiha Tajima's younger brother— Uchiha Madara, Izuna, and Hikaru's uncle. At that time, Fugaku was considered as a tentative heir for the Uchiha clan due to Itaru, Izuna's son and the current head, not having any children yet. Kagami, Uchiha Maika's son and Shisui's father, had been the primary heir whereas Fugaku was the spare. Village relations were tense that time and mortality was high, and thus it was highly possible that Kagami would die in a mission and leave Fugaku the sole heir to Itaru.

It left him arrogant. It didn't help that his parents pandered to the so-called superiority of the Uchiha and were smugly proud that their son could stand to inherit. There were some of their sort in every family, it was just unfortunate that Fugaku's mother and father were the kinds of people who believed that blood alone made you better.

Fugaku had looked down on Minato for his apparent lack of lineage. He often made barbed comments and underhanded insults, mostly after Minato defeated him in spars or class ranking. It infuriated the child Fugaku that someone who seemingly had no familial prestige could beat him, someone from a noble clan. Even after their graduated, he took Minato's tendency to be one step ahead of him as a personal insult.

Then the skirmishes ended. Kagami came back alive, Itaru had a son, and Minato's parentage was revealed right after he was declared a candidate for Hokage to help him win over the council easier. Fugaku did not take it well, the idea that the clanless Namikaze Minato was not only related to both the Uchiha and Senju, but had actually had more right to be named heir than him due to the fact that Minato was Uchiha Tajima's great-grandson whereas Fugaku was only his great-grandnephew.

Oh, and since Kagami came back alive and Itaru just had little Obito, that meant Fugaku was never going to be clan head.

It left him bitter and ambitious. Marrying Mikoto had softened him slightly, but he was forever antagonistic towards Minato and was harshly critical towards Obito and Shisui. He also seemed to have shoved all his ambitions towards his son Itachi, especially when the boy turned out to be a genius.

Minato frowned in distaste.

Fugaku was partly the reason why Obito hated being clan heir, as the bitter man never wasted an opportunity to sneer at Obito's weakness as a child. Fugaku felt cheated; he hated that the clumsy boy was slated to be the Uchiha head and always voiced out insults at Obito whenever Itaru's back was turned. It got worse when Itaru died, and the stress of taking over his recently deceased father while he was still grieving almost made Obito break down completely. Thankfully Kagami decided to take over temporary clan headship and Minato took over as Obito's guardian and sensei before anything drastic happened, and Obito flourished under Team Seven.

Minato was secretly satisfied at the fact that Fugaku could never shove Obito around anymore. The Uchiha clan heir was now strong enough to easily overpower Fugaku, break his neck, and shove his bloated head into Kamui if his patience ever snapped.

Obito was one of the sweetest, most easy-going Uchiha in the family but you know what they say about the nice ones…

"He's giving me those snide looks again." Obito said flatly, eyes flashing his Mangekyo. "And he's all but shoving Itachi at my face. I like the kid just fine but if I get one more arrogant comment from Fugaku-teme on how his kid's Grand Fireball is bigger than mine at that age, I'm gonna feed him to my Susanoo. As if the Grand Fireball ever hits anything…"

Shisui sighed, feeling aggravated as well. "You know, if grand-uncle Izuna never had uncle Itaru and grandmother Maika never had tou-san, Fugaku-teme would've been clan head. Just imagine…"

"Let's not go there." Minato grimaced. "Just… keep an eye on Fugaku. I don't want him pressuring Itachi even more than he already does. And I'm talking as a concerned family member, not as the Hokage."

Obito and Shisui gave out identical smirks. Minato was instantly wary.

"Oh, we'll keep an eye on him on right." Shisui drawled. "Don't worry, Minato-jii, we won't let Itachi-kun fold."

"Right…" the Hokage trailed off slowly, not wanting to get caught up in their antics.

An ANBU in a cat mask flashed inside the office and their attention immediately snapped into one of seriousness.

"Hokage-sama…" the ANBU said hesitantly. "Your son… just used Hiraishin?"

Minato stared. And stared some more.

"What?"

"It's… we were chasing him. Then he disappeared with a loud crack. Then he was back on Hokage mountain."

A few seconds passed. Then, the Hokage's blank face morphed into one of comical anguish just as Obito and Shisui exchanged devilish smirks.

"Great-grandma Hikaru's secret bloodline?"

"Seems like it."

"Nice." Shisui whistled.

Obito grinned whimsically. "Well, Minato-sensei has it. Hekishoku-ojii had it. Makes sense for Naruto-kun to inherit it."

"Great. Guess I just lost that bet, then."

"Man, Naruto-kun's going to have a blast with this one. Grandmother Hikaru's bloodline is so cool."

"Right? I heard it can do a lot of stuff but Minato-jii just uses it to teleport around. So lame."

"I can hear you, you know." Minato said, annoyed. "And it's not teleporting, it's Hiraishin, a refined technique that makes use of grandmother's bloodline via apparition and augmented by granduncle Tobirama's stabilization seals—"

"Minato!"

Everyone blanched at the familiar dulcet tone and the shinobi instantly steered away from the Hokage's desk, just in time for Uzumaki-Namikaze Kushina to barge in the room and get a clear view of her startled husband.

"Hiya, tou-chan!" Naruto chirped from where he was tucked in at his mother's hip sideways. "Kura-kun's having a nap-nap!"

"Naruto." Minato smiled feebly. And wait… the Kyuubi was what?

"Minato! What's this I hear about that that old fart Kurama causing trouble?! And Naruto! He's popping all over the place like your Hiraishin! You know it's already bad enough with him having those swirly eyes—"

"Kushina dear, how is that my fault—"

"Kashi-nii went to get a prosate somethin' from Tsuna-baa." Naruto piped up randomly, probably hoping to get out of trouble.

"What?!" And that was Obito. "From Tsuna-nee?! Fuck that! I know we've got a prank war going on but I draw the line at letting anyone touch his ass! See if I let him get any for months. Let's go, Shisui!"

"I do not want to see Kakashi-senpai's butt. Or any naked part of him actually." Shisui said in fact, but he let himself get dragged out anyway.

"Er…" Senju Nawaki popped his head at the door, a sheepish look on his face. "Is this a bad time, Minato? I kinda knocked out a red-haired kid with my Mokuton. Kinda weird really, but he's snoozing under some roots I conjured. He has a fox tail? Tails? And he sort of looks familiar too… Huh. Wait a minute. Fox tails—"

Minato thumped his head on a pile of paperwork. He really was not going to get any work done today.

…

A few hundred miles from Konoha, Senju Hikaru laughed softly as she stared at a looking glass ball, the twin to the one sitting on the Hokage's desk.

"Minato-chan's got his hands full it seems." she mused, tapping the clear glass, watching her blonde grandson's attempts at containing the chaos inside his office.

It had been Hikaru's idea to create the Hokage's all-seeing crystal ball decades ago, a whimsy creation of hers that reminded her of her of Sirius's twin communication mirrors and the fake fortune tellers from her old world. It helped them look after their descendants since they couldn't really be near them anymore.

The whole world thought them long gone after all. Merely legends and historical figures.

"What are you looking at, love?"

Hikaru smiled up at Hashirama, kissing him on the cheek before motioning at the glass ball. "Naruto-kun's got it."

"Also?" Hashirama's brows rose, smile widening. "I won that bet then. I really wasn't sure he was getting your bloodline though, considering…"

"You and your bets." Hikaru sighed exasperatedly. Her husband and brothers watched over their descendants with the same fascination housewives had with noontime drama shows on the telly.

"Madara lost." Hashirama smirked smugly.

"Of couse nii-san did." Hikaru said. "Whenever you bet on anything, he bets the opposite. It's the only way you deal with your rivalry after all these years."

"Well we can hardly blow up a mountain since the whole world thinks we're dead." Hashirama said agreeably, drawing her closer for her to sit on his lap. "Imagine the collective shocks. I mean we could show ourselves—"

"No." Hikaru deadpanned, looking him in the eye. "No going out without a henge, anata. The last time you showed yourself, Onoki almost had a heart attack. And he went and accused Orochimaru of ghosts and voodoo during the Kage Summit."

"That had been fun to watch." Hashirama chuckled, although he looked properly admonished.

Hikaru rolled her eyes. Longevity had given her husband a drier sense of humor. "I know you have fun trolling people, especially Iwa shinobi, but let's not make our grandchildren's lives harder, shall we? Orochimaru almost didn't close the treaty he wanted during that summit, you know. What would Tobirama say?"

"Tobirama haunted the Raikage at his deathbed." Hashirama pointed out. "And he pretended to be the Shinigami's servant escorting Kinkaku to hell. He's no better than his son."

Hikaru muffled her laugh. "He was a little vindictive with that, wasn't he?"

"He was really displeased when he had to pretend to be killed off by Kumo nin." Hashirama said, playing with a strand of her hair. "Hiruzen almost wasn't ready to be Hokage."

"Are you two being disgusting again?"

The married couple looked up to see Tobirama entering the living room in casual clothing, his face twisted in a grimace at the sight of them cuddling. He then spotted the glass ball on the table and flicked a curious look at Hikaru.

"What's going on in Konoha?"

"A lot of things, much to Minato's despair." Hikaru said, getting up from her husband's lap to prepare for afternoon tea. Since Tobirama was here, Madara was surely right behind him.

"Naruto-chan got Hikaru's bloodline." Hashirama informed his brother, grinning when he took the seat opposite from him.

"Ah. Madara lost then." Tobirama hummed, a slight smirk playing on his lips. "But that's interesting. A half-Uzumaki with Hikaru's magic and that fascinating dojutsu. Minato's going gray in a few years."

"Who's got Hikaru's magic?" Madara voiced out from behind them, getting rid of his armor. There were spots of blood in his chest plate and Hashirama fought the urge to chuckle when he saw his brother's hands twitch.

Tobirama could not stand any kind of dirt. Not if he could avoid it.

"Naruto did." Hashirama answered instead, and both Senju brothers smirked when Madara swore loudly.

"Nii-san. Language." Hikaru said in greeting, a tray of tea floating beside her. "And why are you all bloodied up?"

"None of it is mine. I got rid of a few ROOT stragglers on the way here." Madara grimaced.

"More?" Hikaru said in surprise, waving her hand and setting the tea on the table. Another flash of magic and Madara was spotlessly clean. "I can't believe there's still more of them out there. Danzo only operated for a few years."

Tobirama's lip curled at the mention of his former student.

Danzo had begun going off the deep end ever since Hiruzen became Sandaime. He saw himself as some sort of twisted shadow Hokage, kidnapping children and severely brainwashing them to serve under his own army he dramatically named ROOT. He began to sabotage Hiruzen's attempts at peace and was becoming a warmonger of the gravest degree.

They had not been aware of his actions at first, being as cut off as they were from the village. It was only when Danzo attempted to force Orochimaru into ROOT did Tobirama take action, furious at the audacity that Danzo could even think of targeting and controlling his adopted son.

Tobirama had personally severed Danzo's head from his body when they uncovered all the rot he was planning to do. The man had been shocked at the appearance of his supposedly dead sensei, although Tobirama didn't give him any chance to react further before swinging Raijin at his neck. Madara then burned the traitor's corpse until not even ashes remained. He was as equally furious as Tobirama was, especially after learning that Danzo had planned to incite a coup within the Uchiha to harvest their valuable eyes as if they were nothing more than animals.

Konoha still had no idea where Danzo disappeared to. The village was baying for blood themselves after groups of brainwashed children began popping out from underground, some of them too far gone to be reasoned with.

Tobirama saw it as a failing of his, that his very own student had been systematically corrupting Konoha from the inside. He took it as a personal insult, and he was doubly furious that he hadn't offed Danzo earlier. He was so enraged that Hashirama didn't dare stop him from his quest to dig through and rectify all the atrocities his traitorous student committed.

And his transgressions were many. It was shocking how deep Danzo managed to distort not only Konoha, but the whole shinobi world in the short amount of time he operated.

Collaborating with Hanzo.

Sending Konoha shinobi on suicide missions.

Leaking enough intel for Iwa and Kiri to commit attempted massacre on Uzu.

Targeting Uchiha and Senju children to induct into his twisted army.

He even dug through Hashirama's fake grave for some reason.

Fortunately, Madara and Orochimaru kept Tobirama steady during the times when self-loathing got the best of him, and he gradually calmed down after the revelation of his student's betrayal. He still tended to turn sour at any mention of Hiruzen and his generation, but he was getting better.

But running into Danzo's leftovers always put him in a bad mood. Like now.

"Orochimaru got the last of them. His minions are surprisingly good at scouring out spies. Especially that Yakushi boy." Madara said, glancing at Tobirama who was breathing through his nose.

"You know, we could take a vacation." Hikaru said tentatively, slightly worried for her brother-in-law who looked like he was tethering on the edge of his patience. Again. And no one wanted to re-experience the temper of a truly aggravated Tobirama.

"We're already on eternal vacation, love." Hashirama reminded her with slight amusement.

"Not outside the Elemental Nations, we aren't. I'd like to see what's beyond the continent." Hikaru said, silently motioning her husband towards his brother.

"That does sound like a great idea." Hashirama brightened. "And it'll also take your mind off Danzo's treachery, Tobirama—er…"

He trailed off when he saw his wife moving a finger through her neck in an abortive motion. Madara was shooting him a sour look. Oops.

Fortunately, Tobirama just looked tiredly amused. "Let's travel then. Why not?"

"We have to tell Kurama and his siblings." Hikaru looked thoughtful. "And Orochimaru-kun will not be pleased. He cannot leave the village." Tobirama's son was the only one from their family who knew they were still alive. They often used Oto as their hideout after all.

"He'll stay if he knows what's best for him." Tobirama said shortly. He turned to his brother. "Konoha?"

Hashirama nodded. "Konoha won't falter if we leave for a few years. They have the Sannin and Minato. They have several powerful clans and bloodlines at their disposal. The Uchiha and the Senju. They have Uzushio. And I believe in the Will of Fire."

Madara rolled his eyes at his best friend's sap. Even if everything he said was true, there was no need to make a speech about it. How hard was it to say a simple 'they'll be fine'?

"Travelling it is," Hikaru said brightly. "I mean, we'll only be gone for ten years or so. What's the worst that could happen while we're away?"

…

"Fire and brimstone." Madara said solemnly, stepping on blackened earth while he sealed his gunbai. "The answer to your question of 'what's the worst that could happen while we're away' is fire and brimstone, little sister. You really shouldn't have left your crystal ball behind."

"Oh, shut up Madara-nii." Hikaru scowled, turning away from her brother to face the troop of Konoha shinobi who looked like their eyes were about to bulge out of their sockets.

"Do be quiet, both of you. We're here to offer aid to our village." Tobirama said, wine red eyes roving the stunned shinobi. "Especially in light of this so-called war."

"Was it really necessary for us to show ourselves though?" Madara retorted, crossing his arms.

"Is… is that…"

"The Shodai... and the Nidaime—"

"Wha… bu—"

"We're alive!" Hashirama announced in a cheerful tone, brown eyes alight and arms wide in greeting. "Well, we never died in the first place anyway. Oh, is that little Naruto-kun over there? Hello! You're so tall now! Why it seems like it was just yesterday you were defacing Hokage mountain—"

Naruto's mouth was hanging open and he turned to look at his equally gobsmacked father before raising a hand in tentative greeting.

"Uh… hi? Shodaime-sama?"

Like a plant without sunshine, Hashirama wilted gloomily.

Hikaru laughed, green eyes twinkling at her great-grandson. "Just call him grandfather, Naruto-kun."

"O…kay?"

Orochimaru sauntered away from the stunned Konoha nin, cool as you please, closely followed by Tsunade and Jiraiya.

"Father." Orochimaru greeted and Tobirama smiled back, further giving everyone heart attacks.

"I see your teammates are not surprised by our presence." the Nidaime murmured.

Orochimaru shrugged, hair swaying elegantly. "Unfortunately they do not know the meaning of privacy. Your letters were intercepted. I had no choice but to tell them."

"I thought Orochi was going bonkers at first." Jiraiya informed cheerfully, hands folded behind his back.

"Although it certainly explained all the unnamed birthday gifts we continued to receive every year." Tsunade said, a slight smile playing on her lips as she accepted her grandfather's boisterous embrace.

"Oh!" Minato said, eyes swiveling towards an amused Hikaru. "The rune books. I thought the handwriting was familiar… so they were from you, grandmother?"

"I think I need to sit down." Nawaki said with as much dignity as he could muster.

A quick explanation later, everyone eased up slightly despite being in the presence of the four legendary figures lauded as gods. It was testament to the resilience of shinobi (and the fact that they went through weirder shit than this) that everyone managed to swallow the fact that the two founders, plus the Nidaime and the greatest Seals Mistress of Konoha, never died and had in fact, been subscribing to their lives in some convoluted form of entertainment.

Then a new group of shinobi arrived at camp and another round of shocks ensued. It didn't help that the group consisted of several Uchiha, who were now goggling at Madara and Hikaru like they were about to crawl towards them in bended knee and chant worship.

It got worse when shinobi from other villages began trickling in. The double-takes were many, as were the echoing yells of 'Kai!'. Hashirama tried to placate the foreigners by attempting to inform them that they never died in the first place but Madara and Tobirama shut him down, curtly informing the foreign nin that they were a result of Orochimaru's Edo Tensei.

The tightening of Hashirama's jaw minutes later indicated that he realized his error. Nobody outside Konoha should know of their pseudo-immortality. The fact that four of Konoha's founders were secretly alive under everyone's noses would create a ruckus, and no doubt some of them would easily connect the dots and conclude that there was definitely a correlation between their non-deaths and Konoha's tendency to always come out on top during the past village wars.

Their presence signified a severe imbalance of power and there would be no peace if people realized that Konoha had them in the sidelines, poised to attack any threat against the village they founded. Despite the tentative truce the villages seemed to have formed under their noses in light of this war, no outsider would sweep this under the rug.

…

"You know I never would have thought that I would witness this." Hashirama said softly, looking through the shinobi hailing from various villages. All working together, the symbol for ninja etched on their hitai-ate. "How wonderful."

"Humanity naturally unites against a common enemy." Madara said, crossing his arms and surveying the crowd disdainfully. "Send them back to their villages after the war and they'll be gutting each other again in no time."

Hashirama face-faulted. "Mou, Madara. Why are you like this? Where's your sense of unity?"

Tobirama snorted. Two sides of a coin they were.

"What country are we fighting against, exactly?" Hikaru asked her other grandchildren politely, looking up from where she was happily chatting with Nawaki.

Everyone suddenly looked supremely awkward. "Er…"

"Woah!" A highly excited voice rang out behind them. "It's really true! And here I thought Sakumo-tou was pulling the other one."

"It's not like dad to lie, Obito. Although it did sound far-fetched…"

"Hn…"

They turned around to see four black-haired young men and a lone white-haired one. Hikaru immediately recognized her great-grandson Shisui and her grandnephew Obito, and the one with the mask was undoubtedly Hatake Kakashi, Sakumo's son. The youngest two of the brood were Uchihas as well, and Hikaru's eyes widened at the sight of the shorter boy's face.

"Izuna-nii?"

Madara immediately whipped his head around, inhaling sharply when his eyes landed on the boy with their late brother's face.

"Yes, we've been told the resemblance is uncanny." The long-haired Uchiha smiled faintly, bowing at the four founders. "My greetings. I am Uchiha Itachi and this is my younger brother Sasuke. It is an honor to meet you."

"Likewise," Hashirama replied for them, smiling slightly. Hikaru and Madara were still unnerved how much the broody Sasuke looked like their Izuna, duck-butt hair and all.

"Uchiha Itachi." Hikaru said, breaking her stare from Izuna's mirror image to look at the calmer young man. "Shisui-kun's heir."

"You know about that? Jeez, they really weren't kidding when they said you practically stalked us." Obito said good-naturedly, as blunt as ever.

"We're not that updated. We're about ten years behind." Madara replied stoically, observing Izuna's grandson. Obito had more of Touka in his face, more of the Senju's firm bones and roguish looks in contrast to the Uchiha's refined features.

"We observed through Hikaru's crystal ball. It can see through Konoha and beyond. The twin to the one sitting on the Hokage's desk." Tobirama elaborated when they looked blank.

"Oh!" Minato said, green eyes going wide. "So I was right after all! I knew there was some sort of seal etched on the glass. I looked it up on your tome grandmother, it looked like a variation of the Protean charm."

"That's right Minato." Hikaru was nodding indulgently. "Although a visual element was added to it for greater range, and for scrying—"

"Not to be rude, but we still have no idea who we're fighting against." Tobirama interrupted.

Everyone adapted sheepish looks again. "Uh… well, see—"

At that moment, White Zetsu clones suddenly swarmed the battlefield.

…

"Outrageous. I can't believe an Uchiha started this travesty of a war." Madara snarled, wading through the sea of enemies. "And this isn't even a proper war, it's just a bunch of overpowered brutes making enemies of everyone. Fearmongering. Terrorism. How pathetic."

Tobirama rolled his eyes, summoning a giant water dragon while he was at it. "Yes. It's not like the warring era had the same bloody system, right? How surprising that it is an Uchiha who desires to return to the old ways."

"Are you being smart on me, Senju?!"

"I would never dream of it, Uchiha."

Naruto briefly paused from fighting to stare at his bickering ancestors with no small amount of glee. "Heh… So the stories were true after all. And here I thought obaa-chan was going senile."

"Wonder how long it'll take for them to start pulling each other's hair." Itachi mused, conjuring a field's worth of fiery Amaterasu at the screaming Zetsu clones.

This was… a little too easy. They weren't even cranking out Susanoo yet.

"I give it ten minutes, tops." Shisui hummed, pulling Sasuke out of the way just in time for him to behead a clone aiming for his cousin's chest.

"I'll take that bet."

Nawaki ducked behind a Zetsu clone and stabbed eight more with his Mokuton, dragging them back to the ground in equal measure. He faced his grandmother reluctantly. "So. Um… What's up with grandfather?"

"You mean his reaction to the clones?" Hikaru replied cheerfully, flicking a wide-scale, non-verbal Sectusempra at twenty of the Zetsu who screamed as their torso was flayed open. She whipped her head to look at her husband fifty meters away. Hashirama had conjured a gigantic Mokuton titan that was currently squashing the enemy under his armored foot.

"He looked like he was about to faint when he saw what we were fighting against."

Hikaru laughed. "You mean you can't feel it? These clones are heavily saturated with your grandfather's chakra, after all."

"What?" Nawaki goggled at his grandmother, summoning a large oak to push an incoming swarm away from them. "You mean the clones… They're made from grandfather's Mokuton? I mean, I know they're made of tree… stuff, but I'm no sensor, and… really?"

"Somehow, they managed to splice and duplicate his DNA. Now you know why your grandfather looks freaked out. He feels quite violated, feeling his tainted chakra practically everywhere."

They were gaining advantage over the clones when everyone felt a surge of volatile chakra being fired, and Hikaru looked at the horizon in no small amount of alarm.

"Oh dear. I know this jutsu." Hikaru said, looking back at her curious grandchildren. "Tobirama will not be pleased."

Tobirama was more than 'not pleased'. In fact, he was enraged. Also, Orochimaru joined his father in his pissed-off state after realizing what exactly transpired.

"Edo Tensei. I recognize the chakra signatures. They revived the dead Kage of the other villages." Tobirama gritted out. He hated having his creations used against him.

"Great." Madara scowled and turned to the Snake Sannin with a chastising look. "I told you not to leave your notes scattered, now look what happened. Your father's jutsu in the hands of the enemy. You always misplaced your papers, even as a child—"

Orochimaru looked sulky, much to his teammate's amusement.

Kushina's eyes brightened as she flicked off dirt from her katana. "I didn't know Oro had a second dad."

"It's one of those things." Minato said, patting his wife's shoulder.

…

Itachi stared at the insane, ranting man with sneering distaste. Beside him, Sasuke looked just as disgusted.

Fugaku ceased to be their father the moment he abandoned the village and attempted to kill their clansmen. He ceased to be an Uchiha the moment he attempted to place the Kyuubi under a genjutsu and tried to enslave all the bijuu using his Sharingan.

"—to finish what Uchiha Madara had started! Eliminate the Senju and reign over Konoha—no, the entire shinobi world!"

"What now?" Madara said from the warfront, looking highly insulted. "What did he just say?"

"You eliminated Senju, Madara?" Hashirama inquired, eyes wide.

"This is really not the time tree head!" Madara barked. "And the only time I tried to eliminate a Senju after the warring times was to kill you for debasing my sister!"

"He's using your name as a drive to his agenda." Hikaru said with narrowed eyes, staring at the crazed-eyed Uchiha.

"I'll show him drive." Madara snarled, brandishing his gunbai.

They defeated Fugaku and wiped out all the white Zetsu clones with the help of the bijuu, when for some reason, the Ten-Tails managed to reform through the scant amount of chakra Fugaku managed to collect and fuse from each of the tailed beasts.

Fortunately, not having all of the bijuu's chakra meant that the Ten-Tails had a harder time to reform and regenerate. Still, it took all of their effort to subdue the monstrosity, and by then everyone was feeling the strain of fighting non-stop.

"I just want to go home." Obito grumbled, deactivating Kamui as the Ten-Tail's giant outer shell crumbled. "Go home and sleep for a year."

"Ditto." Naruto grumbled, flexing his cramped hand. He'd been flinging one too many Rasenshuriken today, enough to mince his fingers.

Then the sky broke apart and they were hit with oppressive waves of chakra.

"Oh come, on!" Tsunade yelled, exasperated as she stomped her dainty foot, making the ground quake violently. "What now?"

The mother of all chakra, that's what.

…

"Children of the Prophecy, hm?" Tobirama said in a dry tone when they were finally back home in Oto.

"We're hardly children." Madara scowled, dropping off his armor and weapons with a loud clatter. "We're more than a hundred."

"Compared to that ancient toad, we're practically tadpoles." Hikaru said tiredly, tugging her unruly black hair free. "I mean, Gamamaru even met your original selves. That's a thousand years or so according to your spiritual father."

"He's not our father!"

"Technically, he is." Tobirama rose a brow, turning to an exhausted-looking Hashirama who had slumped on the couch and started to snooze. Tobirama thought he would never see the day that his brother would be almost drained of chakra.

It had been the shock of the century, learning the origins of their world and finding out that Madara and Hashirama were the spiritual children of the Sage of Six Paths (along with the nine bijuu). And there was Zetsu and the whole other fiasco on that Rabbit Goddess.

Tobirama wasn't sure what exactly happened; only Hashirama and Madara conversed with the Sage after getting stuck in Kaguya's portal to other dimensions. Though he and Hikaru did deal with Zetsu, with some help from a vengeful Kushina. She apparently didn't appreciate that her husband put her under house arrest because of its tendency to attack seal masters.

Kushina delivered the final blow, caging Zetsu in a seal of her own making, one that would rob him of any kind of freedom while retaining his senses within the small piece of paper. Including pain.

Kushina had cackled sadistically and tucked the seal in her pocket, declaring that she and Mikoto would be having a lot of fun with the being that pushed Fugaku on the edge.

Tobirama shuddered. Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned.

Speaking of Fugaku, he was found alive after everyone got out of the Eternal Tsukiyomi. Unfortunately for him, it was Madara who reached him first and the former Uchiha clan head had no qualms with ripping out Fugaku's eyes from his skull and burning it, calling the man a disgusting excuse of a clanless worm.

That was practically the worst insult an Uchiha could ever go through, having their precious eyes taken and being cast out by the infamous clan head their family revered.

The blind man was now underground Konoha's maximum security prison awaiting trial. Both his sons and his wife refused to see him, considering that it was he who started the whole mess.

"Indra and Asura." Hikaru smiled softly, eyes distant. She was currently sitting beside a sleeping Hashirama, stroking his long brown hair. "It's a little comforting. Knowing that you two underwent reincarnation like me, even if you don't have your memories."

Madara's eyes softened at his sister before he turned away and huffed. "Still, don't lump me in with the tree bastard."

"But now we know why you two fight like squabbling siblings." Tobirama smirked. "You are squabbling siblings after all. Your lives are still connected after all these years. How precious."

Madara decided to chuck a shoe at his direction.

Hikaru laughed, darting fond green eyes at the arguing Madara and Tobirama, then to her husband sleeping on her lap. She could sense Orochimaru approaching the room along with Tsunade and Jiraiya, their chakra muted, and Hikaru's smile widened when she felt the tentative touch of power that felt uniquely of the bijuu, informing her of their presence not far behind the Sannin. Even Minato and the others also promised to visit today.

Her family was here.

And although she wasn't sure where to go after everything that happened, and indeed, a part of her now longed for rest, she could still honestly say that she loved her life wholeheartedly.

She wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

All was well.

…

A/N: So. First things first. The Curse of Hatred is not prevalent in the Uchiha Clan anymore due to Hashirama and Madara breaking the cycle in their generation but it can resurface *cough*Fugaku*cough*. And unless you missed it, Hashirama and Madara are the Children of the Prophecy in this story. Even in canon, the two had the potential of taking the title but Madara's hatred made that impossible. Here, there was no reason for Indra and Asura to transmigrate to Naruto and Sasuke due to Hashirama and Madara being at peace with each other. Um. Yeah.

It's not stated but Kushina is Mito's direct grandchild, making her the Uzukage's daughter.

Basically…

Hashirama and Hikaru's descendants:

Kinoe- Nawaki and Tsunade

Maika-Kagami-Shisui

Hekishoku-Minato-Naruto and other siblings(?)

Izuna and Touka's descendants

Itaru-Obito

Yes, Obito is Izuna and Touka's grandchild. I calculated the ages and it's entirely plausible considering that Minato is just about eleven years older than Obito (in canon). Let's say Itaru had Obito really really late in life. Like, imagine a eleven-year old Fugaku thinking he's gonna be clan head and then Itaru suddenly got someone pregnant and haha, sucks for him, baby Obito on the way. And also, this is fanfic and a crack one at that so just go with it.

It may be confusing to you so I made a crude timeline of sorts to arrange the characters by their generation.

The italics is the Senju head/heir, the bold is the Uchiha head/heir of their time.

First Gen (Warring Era)- Butsuma, Tajima, Minoru (Mito's dad), Haruka (fem!Harry's mom), Fugaku's unimportant ancestor

Second Gen (Konoha Founding)- Hashirama, Madara, Hikaru (fem!Harry), Tobirama, Izuna, Touka, Mito

Third Gen- Kinoe, Itaru, Maika, Hekishoku, Hiruzen, Danzo, Mito's kid

Fourth Gen- Nawaki, Kagami, Obito, Tsunade, Orochimaru, Jiraiya, Minato, Kushina, Fugaku, Kakashi

Fifth Gen- Shisui, Itachi, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Hinata, Shikamaru, you get my drift

There's a lot going on in this fic and this chapter isn't even vaguely related to HP anymore, I get it. It also gets confusing I know, but welp, I'm washing my hands cause I am done with it. Tell me if you've found any errors. Ta.

Read and review!

Memory out.