Dear Diary,

This is probably the fortieth time I've written that and I still sound like a fucking chick in a disney movie.

Did you know it's easy to trick someone into thinking that you love them? My parents for example. My mother was left pregnant with twins, abandoned by the person that supposedly loved her. And then us, Feliciano and I, abandon by her. Then a few years later I saw that bitch again when she dropped Sebastian off and booked it the hell outta there.

My grandfather said that's part of the reason why I didn't think loves real. Apparently children are very impressionable, because young minds are like sponges or some shit like that.

I never really thought of how my childhood affected how I thought. I suppose that in a sense I never really believed people when they said they loved me, or anything. But I thought that was normal, I mean. My biological parents loved each other one moment, then they didn't. Who was to say that everyone wasn't lying when they said that. We all do leave each other eventually because death is still a thing. It's even in wedding vows, 'till death do us part'.

Love is a lie. That was my strong belief for a while. All the examples of love that I was given had been terrible. My parents. My grandpa was divorced. My brother was coddled constantly by everyone else around us so I hated him for a while for it. Loved him like a brother was supposed to, but to me it wasn't real love. Ergo, every time I said 'love you Feli, night' it was a lie. I love my brother now despite how air headed he can be, but i truly disliked him as kids.

I didn't think that my beliefs would ever change, cause why the fuck would they? I've been told I'm pretty stubborn. I'm not going to say that girly shit like 'the minute I met Antonio everything changed or the moment I realized I loved him my beliefs were #shook' (yes Arthur, Lukas, I read what you guys wrote you pansies.) cause that would be another lie. Things started to change before I met him, it started with my brother.

My brother is a guy who can easily love, which puts my grandpa's theory of 'Lovino acts like that cause abandonment' into question. As I said earlier, I hated him. But I guess over time he grew on me, in his own Feliciano way. By the time high school rolled around he, Sebastian, and grandpa were the only two people I loved with all my heart as mushy as that sounds. The whole love thing was growing on me I guess.

But love leaves. Feliciano and that stupid potato bastard are probably going to run off into a field of flowers and chocolate and then Sebastian the same with whoever he finds to love. Then it was just gonna be me and our grandfather till he kicks the bucket. Sure they'll love me, but I'll still be left alone.

Point being, love that doesn't leave is a lie was my new thesis in high school. Oh hell yeah it exists, but not abandoning you? Yeah right. Maybe that old guy had some truth to his own theory.

It came to the point of how do you know someone's not going to leave? Cause you never know, never can know for certain.

But you could trust someone not to leave.

How do you trust someone not to is the real question then I suppose. I put little faith into a lot of people. I asked people to do things, keep secrets, but not really expecting them to actually do it. Antonio was a person who wasn't much different from the others.

Antonio's stupid personality though. He always made me feel oddly comforted and safe, and I hated it. I started to trust him, I could feel myself starting to whenever he smiled at me and did whatever I asked. He saved my ass a bunch of times with random things, like homework excuses or late night coffee runs. I trusted him to be there when I needed him.

I still do.

Isn't that something? I trusted him even before all the things that he did this year. This crazy fucking year. But I guess I never would have realized how much I actually did if it weren't for all that stuff. My stupid subconscious trust.

But I don't think that I'm going to give up that trust. Not till I join grandpa up with the angels, and then maybe not even then.

Reading this outloud to myself was painful, mostly cause this was the most I've ever talked about my past and all the weird feelings I get with Antonio. He's someone I trust and its just that easy. I guess I'm going to have to live with the fact that I trust him for the rest of my life, no matter how terrifying that can be sometimes. Cause I love him.

From,

Lovino

I love you guys so much and I'm sorry this is kinda trash... but thanks so much for the positive comments and everything on How To Win A Tsundere's Heart! I couldn't be happier, I think I teared up a bit at the feedback! THANK YOU GUYS, LOVE YOU SM.

~Penguin