Poison Ivy awoke the next morning with a massive headache. "Jesus, I didn't think I drank that much last night," she muttered. "But that's how you can tell it was a good party, I guess – if you don't remember much of it."

She sat up and headed into the bathroom, helping herself to some water and brushing her teeth as she tried to remember what had happened last night. "J lost the kids, and we had to attack GCPD to get 'em back," she said. "I vaguely remember that…he also got beaten by Bats and dragged back to Arkham. And whenever he gets out, he's then gonna get beaten by Harley. Maybe she'll let me kick his ass too, as a belated birthday present."

The thought made Ivy smile despite her headache, and she picked up her phone and dialed a number, whistling. She was surprised to hear a huge racket in the background as Harley picked up, saying cheerfully, "Morning, Red!"

"Hi, Harley, what's all the noise?" asked Ivy.

"Oh, Mr. J is making breakfast with the kiddies's help, and right now they're singing a song while banging pots and pans like drums. I think the song might be the Joker fish jingle, but it's hard to tell when only one person knows the lyrics…"

"Wait, what's J doing there?" demanded Ivy. "I thought the Bat took him back to Arkham!"

"Selina stepped in to help him so the kiddies wouldn't have to be deprived of their Daddy," said Harley. "I need to get her a present next time I see her – any ideas? Maybe something for her cats, like a bag of litter?"

"She what?!" demanded Ivy. "And on my birthday too?! Damn, that's low. I'll remember that, Selina," she growled. "Anyway, I didn't figure J would be in any kinda state to be making breakfast after you were through with him."

"Actually, I think I got through to him without violence, Red," said Harley. "He's the one who suggested making breakfast – he never woulda done that before. And he called Rocco and the gang earlier to tell them he was taking a week off to spend exclusively with the family."

"You know this is just a temporary thing so you won't punish him, right?" demanded Ivy. "He's trying to weasel outta your wrath by being the ideal family man for now, but he'll go back to his old ways in a couple days."

"I dunno, Red," said Harley. "Call me crazy, but I think he's got a new attitude. I mean, I'm still never leaving the kids with him ever again, but I really think he's trying to turn over a new leaf by making the family his priority. Which is sweet and romantic and I can't wait until the kiddies are in bed tonight so we can have hot makeup sex. I'm thinking about it right now, and watching him making smiley face pancakes for the kiddies is really getting my engine revving…he's all sweaty from the stove and the way he just flips those pancakes…it's really hard trying not to jump him right now…"

"Harley, I already feel sick from my hangover, and you're not helping," snapped Ivy. "I can't believe you're just gonna forgive him and make up with him after what he did!"

"What else can I do, Red?" asked Harley. "He may be an irresponsible idiot who nearly lost our kids…but he's my irresponsible idiot, and I love him. And more importantly, the kiddies love him. And they're happy he's home, and so am I, so why ruin it by holding grudges? I'm sure he's gonna do a lot more to piss me off in the future too, but, y'know, I picked him. And days like this, I remember why."

"That's just great, Harley," muttered Ivy. "And it's great that your kids have a role model like that – they're not gonna grow up to be dysfunctional adults at all."

"Hey, I resemble that remark!" said Harley. "And so do you. In fact, so do all my friends. So maybe that ain't such a bad way to be."

"I guess," sighed Ivy. "But you'll forgive me if I want a little more outta life than a dysfunctional relationship. I'm a year older and wiser now, and from now on, I'm wiping the slate clean. No more dating freaks, only normal, responsible, grown-up men."

"Good for you, Red," said Harley. "Now I gotta go – Leenie and J.J. have just started a syrup fight, and Mr. J's outnumbered. Bye!"

She hung up, and Ivy sighed. "Well, breakfast does sound good," she said, as she headed into the dining room. "Oh yeah, I forgot about these guys," she said, noticing all the men she had left tied up. "Well, at least they haven't starved to death. And what better way to start my new older, wiser year than to wipe the slate clean of my exes! I think my babies want their breakfast too," she purred, as she stroked a giant venus flytrap.

The doorbell rang at that moment. "You can chow down, baby – I'll be back in a second," said Ivy to the plant.

She opened the front door to see Two-Face standing there. "Harvey…what a surprise," she said.

"Yeah…uh…look, I know your birthday was yesterday, but when I flipped the coin then, it told me not to come over," said Two-Face, slowly. "But when I flipped it today, it said I could, so…happy birthday," he said, handing her a box.

"Oh…thanks, Harvey, but you really didn't have to do that," said Ivy, unwrapping it. "It's…beautiful," she stammered, revealing a huge emerald. "Harley got me jewelry too, but this is a lot better than a plastic friendship necklace. And there's…two," she said, slowly, as she held up the two identical gemstones.

"Yeah, well, you know me," he said, shrugging. "Can't do just one…I just thought it was a special birthday so you needed to get something special. You know, because you're…special to me. My life woulda turned out a lot differently if I hadn't met you…and you hadn't tried to poison me…certainly would have been a lot less interesting…and…uh…well, happy birthday," he finished, turning to go.

Ivy caught his hand. "I was just making breakfast if you wanna join me," she said. "I also have…some guys tied up in the dining room that I've been meaning to kill, if you wanna help feed them to my babies."

Two-Face stared at her, and then took out his coin, flipping it. "Yes, I would like to do that very much," he said, as it landed bad side up.

"Great! And maybe afterwards, we can get lunch at Oswald's place," said Ivy. "I assume he's reopened after we busted him outta jail last night, and he's supposed to give people a free bottle of champagne on their birthday. I mean, I know my birthday was yesterday, but he owes me for the jailbreak, so he can give me a day's grace period."

"You celebrated your birthday by busting people outta jail?" asked Two-Face, puzzled. "Why?"

"Well, it's a long story," sighed Ivy. "It was meant to be a women-only party, because I was having adult entertainment. It's not what you think – I wanted the gals to help me kill these men, but they raised moral objections to it, buncha sticks in the mud. You know Batman's rubbed off on Selina, and Emilia Crane was there, and she didn't want to personally kill people even though her husband is a notorious supercriminal who frightens people to death. I think she has some disassociation issues, among other things. And Harley was there, because she left the kids with J, who lost them, so they got picked up by the cops, and we had to bust 'em out before Batman could take them away forever."

"Geez, sounds like I missed out on a lotta fun," said Two-Face. "But thanks for distracting the Bat – I did a museum heist last night and I was wondering why he didn't show up to stop me. It's where I got those emeralds. They belonged to Queen Elizabeth I of England, who was also a beautiful, strong redhead who didn't need a man. So I was reminded of you, and thought you should have them for your birthday."

"Oh…Harvey…that's so sweet," stammered Ivy. "Queen Ivy I of Gotham does sound good…and I have promised myself to turn over a new leaf…being Queen of Gotham is a good, attainable ambition, right?"

Two-Face flipped his coin again, and it landed good side up. "Sure, why not?" he said.

She smiled. "You know just what to say," she murmured, taking his hand and leading him inside.

The End