Chapter 6: He Couldn't Talk To You

After dinner, and after he's forced himself to sit through conversation long enough to avoid a reprimand from Larry, Connor returns to his room to read.

There's a knock on his door just as he's getting lost in the story again, and he ignores it. It's Zoe's knock, he knows, but he doesn't bother answering.

She opens his door. He used to be able to lock people out, but Larry removed the lock after one too many "incidents" that made him uncomfortable. Connor looks up and glares at her; the invasion of privacy – really the fact that she's there at all – puts his hackles up. "Get out," he growls.

She barely reacts, which wouldn't be a surprise except that she actually looks... curious. Wary, like she usually does, but also like she wants to ask him a question. Which never happens anymore.

"I wanted to... I want to talk," she says, and Connor responds on autopilot even though he's wanted to talk to her for days, weeks, months, years.

"I'm not stopping you. Just go where I can't hear you and we won't have a problem." He's spitting venom and at this point it's just what he does.

But Zoe gives no indication that this makes her angry, other than a small frown and a clenched fist. "I want to talk to you, asshole," she says steadily. "About... Well, about Evan."

Connor puts his book down and crosses his arms, giving her a scathing look. "How many times are you gonna bring him up to me? I get it. 'Don't shove Evan, leave Evan alone, don't corrupt poor little Evan Hansen.' Piss off."

She scoffs at him but almost immediately seems to rein herself back in, calm again, and sits down next to him on his bed. Connor isn't sure what to make of that at all, and he decides to bite his tongue.

"I don't want to talk about that stuff," she says stiffly. "At school, they're saying you and he are dating. Which I know you aren't, I asked him," she adds swiftly. "But they're saying that. Because you ate lunch together. And you signed his cast yesterday."

Connor looks down. She doesn't look or sound mad but he's sure she's going to tell him to stay away from Evan and stop making his life worse – hell, he's been saying that to himself all day. And she does, sort of.

"You shouldn't make him put up with all that," she tells him, sharp and harsh. She's fidgeting and leaning away from him and she sounds really angry suddenly, like she doesn't want to be doing this, but she's here. In his room. Talking. "I told him he should leave you alone but I don't think he's going to."

Connor realizes suddenly that she wants to know why. Wants to know why he signed Evan's cast, why he sat with Evan at lunch and defended him from Michaels, why Evan doesn't want to stay away from him.

"He should listen to you," Connor says wryly.

"Yeah. I know."

"We aren't dating, he wasn't lying. So you can leave now."

"That isn't what I wanted to know."

Connor shoves off his bed (that makes her flinch) and walks over to his bookshelf to fiddle with the old Rubix cube perched next to his Harry Potter collection. "Well, what the hell do you want? I'll say whatever you want, just get out of my goddamn room. It isn't like you want to be here anyway."

"You're right," she says dully, and he hears her stand. "I don't. Forget I asked."

He doesn't say anything to her but then he realizes she hasn't moved. That she's still standing by his bed and turning the pages of his book. "Is it good?" she asks, when he looks at her.

He wants to say 'why would you care,' but instead he says, "Yeah."

She looks around his room, then asks, "What other books did you get today?"

He shrugs. "Nothing you'd like. World War 2 books."

"Cool."

"Great. Nice talk. Now you can go tell Larry I'm not cutting or smoking." He doesn't know why he says that.

Zoe scowls and suddenly she's wading through his things looking like her usual stormy self. "Yeah, good idea. I don't know why I even bothered, you're hopeless."

Connor doesn't know why that stings so much but he takes a stride towards her, snarling, "Yeah, I don't know either. Why bother with me, I'm just your drug-addicted brother who makes you unpopular with everyone. How tragic for you."

She's gone. Out the door, doesn't close it behind her, doesn't look at him. This is the closest thing they've had to a conversation in ages and he's blown it. He almost wants to run after her and say something else, something stupid like the titles of the other books he borrowed or that he sits with Evan because it makes him feel less alone or how he wishes she'd dye her hair again, but he just goes back to his bed and reopens his book and tries to focus on the words instead of how awful he feels.

That proves to be unhelpful. All he can think about is Zoe, and his family, and how stupid everything is. He's always wished he had someone, anyone who cared what happened to him, but whenever he really thinks about it, he knows that even if someone would pass the time of day with him, it wouldn't last. He's toxic, angry, self-destructive, and cruel, and not even his own family can deal with him anymore. If he wasn't so selfish, dragging someone else into his mess would be unthinkable.

But he is selfish, and he's excited to talk to Evan. Even though he knows he's going to ruin Evan's already non-existent social life and hurt him and make Zoe angrier at him, he's actually looking forward to going to school tomorrow.

He forces himself to keep reading, to finish his book, until Larry comes upstairs and shuts off his light and snaps his door shut like Connor's still ten. Connor considers reading something else, but he feels too confused and low, plus he thinks he'll need a while to recover from the ending of The Little Prince. So he lays down and tugs his grey comforter over his head and goes to sleep with the story still circling in his head like a forlorn bird.

"I realized clearly that something extraordinary was happening. I was holding him close in my arms as if he were a little child; and yet it seemed to me that he was rushing headlong toward an abyss from which I could do nothing to restrain him."

The car ride to school is about 600 times worse than it usually is, which is probably why he and Zoe never try to talk to each other. Because it makes everything harder. She's silent the whole way, silent when he gets out of the car, and she stays sitting (silently) in the driver's seat until he's halfway to the building. He adjusts his messenger bag and keeps his head down as he walks inside, past a couple boys who are holding open the door for a friend.

"Hey, Connor!"

He considers not turning around, because after twenty seconds of trying to recognize the voice, he realizes it's that kid Kleinman. However, people are looking, and Kleinman is loud, so he turns around and glares through his hair at him. "What the hell."

Kleinman spreads his hands, shrugging. "Well, just saying hey. Since you're dating my best friend and all."

"You make a shit best friend," Connor snaps. "And I wouldn't talk to you even if I was dating him." Then he turns around and resumes walking. Jared Kleinman is not worth his time.

Thankfully, Kleinman leaves him be, and people edge out of his way so he has a nice clear path down the hallway. Today he has fewer classes than he had yesterday, which means that after English, when he skips for a while to smoke, they won't miss him right away. Not that most of them even expect him to be here by now – no one in this high school expects anything of him. In the yearbook, he's going to be voted "Least Likely to Succeed" – if he isn't dead. Then he'll get a lame block of text "remembering" him, like that girl who was shot two years ago. The yearbook had said "In Memoriam," but it was obvious that no one writing the piece had known her or cared that she was dead.

He is thinking way too much. Hell, he almost wants to skip English.

But he won't.

The class is just another early lesson – Ms. Silvia has a lot to say about what they're going to do this year, and then she tells them to write her a five hundred word essay about what they hope to be doing five years from now. Connor likes her because while she isn't exactly "cool," she obviously cares about what she's teaching. That's why he doesn't think he can write the paper, because while lying is easy and he does it all the time, there are some people he can't bring himself to disappoint. He thinks Ms. Silvia is one of them.

After English, he's on his way out to the parking lot when he passes Evan, poking around in his locker and definitely not actually doing anything, like he's trying to look busy. Connor kind of just wants to walk past, but there's still a piece of pie in a box in his bag, and if Evan's trying so hard to look busy, something's probably wrong. Connor is horrible at talking to people, especially when he actually cares what they think of him, but he's pretty sure that when you're friends with someone, you're not supposed to ignore them when they're upset.

Evan notices him just as he thinks this, and gives him a weird, awkward smile that barely hides the fact that he's definitely trying not to cry. "Hey, Connor," he says.

"Hey." Connor gestures at his locker. "Busy?"

"No, no, I'm just, um... Just grabbing something that I, um, forgot. Before my next class. But it might not be in here, so-"

It's obvious even Evan doesn't think this lie is convincing because he's staring at the floor. "Yeah, there are like four things in there, Hansen," Connor says, rolling his eyes.

"Well, I- Yeah." Evan rubs the back of his neck. "I have time to kill, I guess?"

"I'm leaving," Connor says. "You wanna skip a class or two? I'm gonna get high. You don't have to smoke with me but I have pie, which is almost as good."

Evan looks up, looking startled and kind of scared. This is actually a terrible idea, Connor can't encourage Evan to skip class and hang out with him while he breaks the law. This is literally exactly what Zoe warned him not to do. "I, um... I can't skip, I need to keep my grades up because - Well, it's for college, I need college and scholarships and- But I have a free period right now? So I can go for a bit?" He looks so damn hopeful that Connor cracks a smile.

"Okay. I don't have my car, so we have to take yours."

Evan flushed. "I don't, um, have a car either. I can't really afford it, so..."

"Oh, cool." Connor waves his hand. "I walk a lot anyway. Let's go."

This still isn't a very good idea, but he thinks that Evan really needs to get out of here for a bit. He cares too much what everyone here says about him, and it shows.

Evan closes his locker, hikes his backpack over both shoulders, and shrugs uncomfortably. "So, um, where are we going?"

"I don't know. Somewhere nearby where I won't get caught." Connor doesn't want to walk all the way to the orchard since Evan actually needs to get back for class. "I'll get you back here in time, don't worry," he adds, because Evan is almost definitely worrying about that.

"Okay."

Connor starts walking, and Evan scrambles to come with him. He's not sure what to say now – he hasn't gotten this far in his plan yet. So he goes with what worked yesterday. "I got The Little Prince from the library."

"You did?" Evan sounds absolutely ecstatic. "What did you think?" He's hardly even stammering.

"It's the most tragic book I've ever read, and I read classical mythology for fun," Connor huffs.

"Is that… good?"

"Hell yes. It's amazing."

"Oh."

Connor stops at the end of the hallway, thinking, and Evan stops a few steps afterward looking sheepish. The high school is basically laid out like a giant square, with the auditorium and gym in the center of the square. If he follows the square to the left, he'll be taking the south exit, which would be better if he wants to go to the overgrown stretch of land behind the furniture store. If they take the exit directly in front of them however, they'll come out northwest, which is good if he wants to go to the river.

The river is closer, plus Evan probably wouldn't be as freaked out by that – there are usually fewer people around there. So he turns right. "Come on."

He feels a little mean dragging Evan around at his heels like this, but he needs a smoke and Evan needs a break. They don't talk on the way to the river, which is hugely awkward, but it's hard to make conversation when he's focused on his destination.

Their town actually has a gorgeous river, wide and clear with a pebbly bottom and relatively clean banks. The city puts a lot of work into keeping it nice because it's a good asset to have in the summer. Tourism and all that. Fortunately for Connor, where they're going, the banks are wooded, so people generally don't swim there. The only danger is the odd fisherman who knows that just there, there's a very good spot to catch catfish. Connor used to fish there, before things with Larry got terrible.

He doesn't tell Evan any of this. Just: "We're gonna stop here."

"I love this," Evan says quietly, staring out over the water. Then he seems to catch himself, and gives an awkward shrug. "It's um, a cool view, I guess."

"I love it too," Connor agrees. He's already grabbing the blunt and lighter from a hidden pocket in his bag, so while he's being honest, he's also kind of distracted. The white noise is driving him insane and he just wants it to quiet down.

"Oh." Evan grins, until he sees the blunt in Connor's hand and edges away. It's a little funny except it's also really not. "I don't, um, if my mom- I can't- Just breathe away from me?"

Oh right, Evan going back to school smelling like weed wouldn't go over well. Because he's actually a model student and not a total trainwreck. So Connor maneuvers so that he's downwind of Evan, sits down on a tree root, and puts the blunt to his lips.

"You wanna talk about that book?" he says, after a minute, because Evan looks like he regrets coming along and he's probably still upset over whatever had him hiding in his locker earlier, but Connor doesn't want to talk about depressing shit.

"Yeah, sure."

Neither of them say anything. This, Connor thinks, amused, is why I have no friends. "So it's a kid's book," he starts. "Thought it sounded kind of stupid at first, but when I looked it up it looked alright, so I checked it out."

"Yeah, it has that kind of... name, I guess," Evan says. "You didn't think a little boy on a tiny planet falling in love with a rose sounded stupid?"

"Nope." Connor blows out smoke and watches it drift away. "Anyway, I've read stupider."

"Oh."

"So it kind of ripped my heart out and stomped on it," he says matter-of-factly. Sometimes when he's high he starts talking in Tumblr-speak; sassing his dad in memes makes for almost twice the hilarity. He should do it when he's sober.

Evan blinks. "Yeah, me too. Every time I read it, actually."

"I don't get what we're supposed to take away from it," Connor drawls, waving his hands expansively. "I can't figure out whether it means suicide makes sense or that your loved ones are never really gone or something Christian-y or what. You got any ideas?"

"I don't know." Evan shrugs. "I don't think the suicide one though, it doesn't make sense within the context of the story. Is that super nerdy?

"Hell yeah." Connor laughs. "I guess you're right though."

"Okay." Evan's back to twisting his hands together and picking at his cast.

Impulsively, Connor holds out his blunt in Evan's direction. "Want some?" He shouldn't be doing this, really, but Evan just looks so tense. He needs to relax in a major way.

Evan flinches a little and his knuckles go white. "No, um, no. Not really. Thanks, but that's... that's not a good idea."

"Right." Connor sighs and takes a hit himself. "Bad idea?"

"Yeah. I mean... Yeah. Kind of."

"You're right. Sorry, just thought you needed some help relaxing."

"That might be true." Evan laughs like he wasn't expecting to, like he's being forced to find this funny. "Um, so... Why are we doing this?"

"Because school is shit and overrated. Pay attention, Hansen."

Evan looks down, shaking his head. He can't keep his hands still. Connor doesn't think he's ever seen Evan not fidgeting. "No, I mean... why did you ask me to come along? And have- smoke with you?"

Connor sighs. "Cause you looked like your day was sucking. And I have pie. Oh right, I promised you pie. This is the best pie ever." He pulls open his messenger bag and takes out the box that holds his pie. Thankfully it isn't squashed. "There's this shop by the youth theater – I think it's the best in the state. Here."

"You didn't, um- There's nothing to eat it with," Evan says, and Connor swears and digs around his bag again.

"You're right. Well, now you know. Best damn pie in the whole damn state. We'll have it at lunch." He takes the box back from Evan and very carefully places it in his bag. "Sure you don't wanna try a smoke?"

"Yeah." Evan sits down on the ground, cross-legged, and starts picking at blades of grass.

"So who said what?" Connor sighs contentedly. He's feeling chill enough to have this conversation now. The white noise is gone and now he's just curious. "Because I swear you were gonna cry earlier."

Evan grimaces and shakes his head, mumbling something.

"Hm?"

"I said, I wasn't going to cry. Nobody said anything. I was just trying to, um, stay busy."

Connor's not buying it. "Uhuh. You're really shit at lying. Also you do it a lot."

"Well what do you want me to say?" Evan snaps, quickly. Then he kind of pulls back again. "People say stuff all the time, it's what they do."

That, Connor will admit, is true.

A/N: Hey, new chapter! I'm neglecting a two-year old fic for this one, I hope y'all are grateful.

I just watched *ahem* I mean listened to the musical again tonight, so I finished editing this chapter for you.

Please review!