Author's Note: Arrgghh, so hard to get into the rhythm of writing. But oh well. Thanks to EmodinsaurX3, again, as Conner and Luke are her characters. :)

Chapter Two

TALL, DARK AND BROODING

This year was an unmitigated disaster, a travesty of epic proportions and it was only the first day. James would not stand idly by and let this happen. Not so long as he had breath to throw tantrums and curse like a bloody loon.

Throwing the weighty doors aside, he stormed back into the Great Hall, brow furrowed and arms wound tightly around his chest. The Gryffindor table watched him with wide eyes and their lips sewn shut. You could almost hear the first and second years shaking in their robes. His foul moods were rare, but infamously explosive. A rain cloud started to form above his head in the otherwise clear, twinkling night sky that decorated the Great Hall.

James had only stalked out moments before, bursting into the hall to give the laughing gargoyle statue a good kicking. This was accompanied by a few choice words even he wouldn't scream and shout in front of the whole school. McGonagall had clearly gone completely barmy – old age was getting to her. It happens to the best witches and wizards. James eyed the headmistress as she spoke animatedly with the head of Gryffindor, waving her goblet about and nodding furiously.

Nope. She hasn't gone mad – yet.

As he passed the third and fourth years – paying particular effort to ignore Lily rolling her eyes and mocking him - he turned his attention to his newly sworn enemy. Thunder cracked overheard, making a few kids jump in their seats. The raincloud darkened. The bastard sat at the far end of the Ravenclaw table, his robes meticulously pressed and his hands laced together under his chin. His rosy lips moved rhythmically as he regaled his friends with his latest tale, and James already wanted to punch him in the teeth – no magic required. Despite speaking to the two boys nearest to him, every girl within a ten foot radius was leaning closer to hear his velvety voice. The swooning was palpable and only worsened James' fury. Girls – and most guys – flocked to him like flies over honey. They all needed a good swatting and James was happy to provide it.

The longer James watched the Ravenclaws, the more his frown spread and his knuckles kneaded against his armpits. Rain started to dribble down his shoulders just as he reached the end of the Gryffindor table. He slumped onto the wooden bench with his trio of mates, all giving him the side-eye with arched eyebrows.

"Christ James, you're making my potatoes soggy," the girl across from him complained, batting away the spreading raincloud. James willed the rain to pour harder.

The boy beside her shifted. "Lottie," He extended the syllables of her name, shaking his head in James' direction and sending his coal black hair flicking in every direction. "He's upset, I'm not sure potatoes are the priority here."

Lottie gasped dramatically, hands clasping over her mouth. "You take that back right now."

"C'mon Luke, you know not to get between a girl and her food," the tall, blonde boy - next to James chimed in, a grin creeping across his face. "Unless you fancy a little biting."

He leant across and snatched a roll from Lottie's plate with the speed you'd expect from Gryffindor's star Chaser. If he wasn't in the middle of an utter and complete catastrophe, James would've been mildly impressed. He knew Conner McLaggen was a good choice for the team, despite all the choice words Aunt Hermione had to say about his father.

"I will eat everything you love," Lottie seethed, wrapping an arm around her plate and hissing.

Conner's grin just expanded, his dark eyes sparkling. "Well, you already know which part of me I love the most so by all means –"

"Conner, please!" Luke burst before launching out his arms as a roll bounced off Conner's chest and Lottie reached for another missile. The duo continued to bicker as Luke tried to end the rapidly escalating food war. James just stared, his raincloud growing. His friends were not taking this seriously. The bloody lunatics were fighting over bleeding potatoes.

A jet of lightning splintered through the air, toasting the bun Conner had just managed to catch and singing a bowl of beans. A freeze frame overtook the trio as they glanced from the burned dish to James.

"Well, James," Luke cleared his throat, sheepishly retreating to his seat. "I'm sorry, I got preoccupied playing parents for these two children – are you alright?"

Conner barked out a laugh and clapped James on the shoulder. "He's fine, just got his knickers in a bunch."

James glared and bared his teeth. He then groaned and slammed his head onto the table, making the cutlery bounce and clatter. His friends exchanged glances. James Potter was many things but silent was never one of them. By now, he'd be throwing his arms in the air and raving away about the great injustice done to him. He might even plan his revenge and inevitably drag the three of them into his maniacal scheme; even the ever-reluctant Luke couldn't resist the spark of mayhem.

But this was unfamiliar territory.

"Listen Tall, Dark and Brooding…" Lottie broke the silence, her words tiptoeing towards James' crumpled body. "We know it's disappointing you didn't make Head Boy – hell, if there was a vote, you'd be my choice over that tosser any day."

"That tosser is still his cousin," Luke interjected quickly before a small smile found its way onto his face. "But I have to agree."

"He's not my cousin anymore. I will destroy him," James mumbled into the tabletop before lifting his head. "And this isn't about being Head Boy."

"Good! Because that prat's a bloody brown noser anyway," Conner added for good measure.

"Then what is it about?"
"Whatever it is, we're here to listen," Lottie added calmly. "Even Conner, if you need help in the form of dirty comments and egotistical monologues."

"Piss off, you adore me,"

"I'm still mentally burying your body for touching my food."

James straightened himself up and eyed his friends. They were right – they'd be there for him regardless of what was going on. The sheer volume of letters he received over the summer checking on him was almost smothering. The countless offers to meet up, come visit or even kidnap him to help him deal with the aftermath of his family's implosion last year. They were bloody idiots, but they were his idiots.

"Well, this is an absolute bloody disaster beyond anything the world has ever known!" James exclaimed, throwing his hands in the arm as his voice boomed louder. His friends let out a sigh of relief. He was back to his old self, ridiculous as ever. "Louis Weasley as Head Boy? This is so much worse than just McGonagall going a little loopy and thinking anyone could be better than all of this,"

James gestured up and down his body, holding his chin up high. He wiggled his eyebrows. "This has to do with my future, my reason for being, all of my hopes and dreams. This has to do with-"

"-Nellie Longbottom," Lottie finished for him with a smirk. "Should've known."

The insult washed over James and he continued undeterred. "Yes! Thank you! You all should have known, you're the worst friends. I'm putting you all on friend probation."

"What about Nellie?"

"Oh dear naïve Luke," James tutted and waved a finger at him. "She's Head Girl. Louis is Head Boy. They will be spending a lot of time together and you have all seen how girls get around Louis."

Conner snorted, the green-eyed monster creeping over him. "It's like he's made of bloody chocolate, he's completely up himself."

"Exactly! And why wouldn't he want Nellie? She's beautiful, she's smart, she could practically teach Care of Magical Creatures by herself, she's so innocent, she does that really cute thing where she snorts when she laughs–"

"If she's so smart, don't you think she'll see through Louis?" Luke piped up. The others just looked at him, deadpan.

"There's just something about him that turns your insides to jelly and your brain to mush," Lottie shrugged, pushing her peas around with her fork.

"Speaking from experience?" Conner teased.

"Oh piss off, I'm hardly a girl. I don't count in the general girl populous."

The light bulb set James' entire brain alight as his mouth dropped open. It was so obvious. The answer was right in front of him, all five foot six of it. She doesn't count in the general girl populous.

"That's it! Lottie, you bloody genius!" James clapped his hands and rubbed them together menacingly. "Conner, you're a man of horny character: tell us, why do girls like Nellie drive guys like Louis crazy?"

"They're a challenge, obviously and the effort makes the pay off even better."

"And what would it take to make you stop pursuing a girl like that?"

Conner drew his blonde brows together as he considered James' question, trying to piece together the puzzle. As it slowly dawned, his chestnut eyes lightened and his lips folded into a half-smirk. "A harder challenge, someone no one has even come close to..."

James clucked his tongue. "Correct. Now it's no secret Nellie had her fair of crushes and that little thing with Roland Walker in fifth year when I was otherwise preoccupied."

Luke frowned. "You mean when you were to busy snogging Bernice Harris and Evelyn Redshaw to notice."

James waved off the comment. He knew his love was pure, now. "I was a pubescent fool! I had needs. But who could pose an even greater challenge to Louis? Who did the girls always interrogate whenever she spoke was partnered up with a new boy in History of Magic? Who has never even let out the tiniest squeak of a crush over the last seven years? Whose father is quite possibly the most intense Quidditch player on the planet and could easily beat you to death with a Quaffle? If that's not a challenge, I don't know what is."

Luke and Conner whipped around to face Lottie in unison, all three boys beaming at her with knowing smiles.

"Me? Really?" She struggled to keep a straight face. This was ludicrous. "Why on earth would I be a good choice here?"

"You're a cracking Beater," James stated.

"You work hard and are even top of Divination and History of Magic," Luke added supportively.

"And you grew a great set of tits over the summer, puberty really did you a favour there."

"Conner," James hissed before whispering loudly. "True, but not helping."

"Well, not that that's not hugely convincing, but why would I even want to do this? What even is this?"

James sighed. It was so obvious, how was she not getting it? The guys did. "This is a great plan; you just need to get his attention and the rest will come. You'll be seeing him loads as a prefect. You won't get all gooey over him and can keep him chasing you. You'll be something different to what he expects."

"Just don't shut down the possibility of a date too harshly, or he will just lose interest," Conner warned as the other boys nodded in agreement.

"Still not understanding why I would want to do this,"

"Lottie, you know what Louis does to girls," James cooed, running a hand through the top of his nutmeh hair, exasperated. "Remember Rosie Brooks?"

"And Mari Chen," Conner added.

"Emma Londs," Luke chimed in.

"Christie Cedar,"

"Beth Durmonay,

"Let's not forget Celia Tanase, she had to repeat her O.W.L.s after she spent the night before her exams crying in the Hufflepuff common room and eating pumpkin pasties until she threw up in a plant pot."

James interrupted the listing. "I know it's a lot to ask Lottie, but I really care about Nellie. He will hurt her and then I have no hope of even getting her to hang out with me before we leave school. How many times has she helped you with classwork or around the dorms? I can't count how many times I have seen her giving up time for other people. Does she really deserve to be treated the way you know he will treat her?"

Lottie knitted her features together, hazel eyes narrowing into slits as the cogs in her head churned. The words of her friends echoed and repeated. She absently twirled a straw curl around her finger, tugging it then letting it bounce like a spring. The amount of times she'd walked in on girls either crying or gushing over Louis was damning evidence that her friends might have a point.

She relented. "Okay. Okay, shower me in some more compliments and I'll do it."

"Thank you, I could kiss you!" James beamed. "Oh wonderful, marvellous Charlotte Wood, you are an amazing friend. You are so selfless. You are so kind. You're such an addition to the Quidditch team. Everyone in Gryffindor thinks you're wicked fun-"

"And now that you've grown your hair out among other things," Conner grinned and wolf whistled. "I'd want in your pants if I wasn't committed to this friendship."

"I'm not sure you realise how compliments work," Luke countered, rolling his eyes. Conner stuck out his tongue.

"Okay, let's do something mildly evil for the greater good," Lottie smiled before pointing at all three boys. "But you have to give me advice, all of you. And I will not be letting him anywhere near my knickers for you, Potter. And I reserve the right to quit at any time."

"Deal. We start tomorrow because now, I'm fucking starving."