Hello, One and All.
It has been the longest time since this has been updated and I can only apologise. I hope to have this up and running a little more often. As always if there is anything you want me to write, please feel free.
I'm challenging myself to do a 21 day prompt thing, so I'll post a drabble once a day for 21 days to get back into the habit - it can focus on any and all CPD characters, can be canon or AU or a mix of both. So feel free to drop me a PM or get me over on tumblr - GlasgowGirl92

This contains spoilers from the season 5 finale, so be warned! The song this time around is "this ain't goodbye" by train.

x

This Ain't Goodbye

"The thing is, though, Death may have taken Al, but it can never, ever take the memories we have of him. It can't take the way he made us feel. It can't touch the laughter we shared, or the quiet guidance that Al gave us."

Jay watched as Rhea delivered the address as he sat stoically in the pew, one of his hands clasping Hailey's and the other resting on Ruzek's shoulder as the other man fought to control his emotions. Atwater had an arm around Burgess, holding her close to him as Antonio held her hand. Platt and Voight were just in front, neither of them making any kind of move to wipe the tears that had fallen since the redhead had gotten up, taken the 25 purposeful steps that lead to the microphone and began the address 3 minutes ago. He chose to ignore the empty seat between Platt and the end of the row, it had been kept deliberately for someone that hadn't shown up and he didn't want to bring those thoughts to the front, because then he really would be struggling to hold it together.

Jay had been going second by second through this day, putting one foot in front of the other, taking one question, one response, one acknowledgement at a time. Things had been hazy since the rooftop, everyone in some sort of daze as they worked with Al's wife to put this together, to organize the service, to organize the small gathering afterwards. It had been an arduous task and something no-one wanted to do, not really, because everything would be so final. Jay couldn't really remember the last time he'd slept properly, which had earned him a serious talking to from both his therapist and his brother and a vitamin drink that said 'orange' on the label but tasted like piss when he drank it.

He scanned the crowd, or as much of it as he could see, counting heads as he alternated between squeezing Ruzek's shoulder and stroking Hailey's hand. He was aware he wasn't really listening to Rhea as she spoke, the small tremor of giggles that moved through those gathered clued him into her doing what she did best – making people feel more comfortable and at ease. It was part of IAs plan, everyone suspected, when they dropped the detective into their unit. Jay was sure though; that their plan had backfired spectacularly because Rhea now went to bat whenever someone questioned Intelligence and either she was sincere, or she was the best UC on the plant and should teach a class.

Detective Rhea Kingsley had been a godsend to the unit, slowly becoming part of the team and now she was the glue that was making sure everyone managed to get through this day. She'd turned up at the precinct with coffee and a lint roller, had been a set of hands that had steadily straightened out uniforms, had been a calm but firm voice in redirecting anyone and everyone who attempted to cross Platt, been the reassuring smile in the room when Adam and Kevin both tried to speak as the team tried to work out who was going to give the eulogy.

Which is why she was up there now, reading everyone's words, being the voice they couldn't be, speaking the words - their words - they couldn't speak. Every waver in her strong, loud, clear voice hit the congregation gathered and both hurt and healed them. Jay had always seen a little bit of Al in her, the person who would stand their quietly, listening but not interrupting and being that one solid person, you knew would have your six no matter what happened. She'd had their six since Al was taken into custody and essentially been the one who kept everyone on the straight and Woods at bay. A go between, if you like, but he'd saw her the other night crying in the locker room and he'd entered, both sitting side by side on the wooden bench as she cried.

He'd learned pretty quickly that she didn't like being touched and he respected that, only placing his hand on her knee when she was hiccupping to let her know that he wasn't going anywhere. When she'd gotten herself together, Rhea had hugged him in thanks and nodded before going to take a shower. Jay had returned to his desk to pack his things up and tidy it, heading back to the locker rooms 20 minutes later in time to see a mass of red curls heading out. They hadn't talked about it since and it wasn't something he was going to push.

Jay cleared his throat and let go of Ruzek's shoulder to wipe away the tears that had spilled onto his cheeks unchecked, attention snapping back to the room, to the silence as Rhea regained her composure and flipped the card, swallowing and continuing to speak.

"Al didn't like fancy words, or flowery poetry, so I'll leave you with one of the best pieces of advice he's ever given me. Sometimes, the good doesn't always win, but it always shows up, kid. So, you gotta get yourself up of that concrete and show up." The pauses in the sentence, the smile at the end and the discreet way she wiped her tears as she made her way back to her seat as the minister began to speak again, Rhea slipping in beside Hailey lifting her hat from the bench and taking her friend's other hand, squeezing tight, all without making eye contact with anyone.

Jay remembered the case that Al had said those words – a child trafficking ring, a shipping container of dead bodies and diplomatic immunity that had them all silenced, Rhea sitting on the concrete a mixture of devastated and angry. He turned slightly to look at her now, her eyes firmly in front, lips set in a determined line, her mascara slightly smudged from where she'd wiped at her eyes. She might have been Hailey's friend and former partner, but she was Alvin's pick for intelligence and after today, Jay could see why. She was rock steady under intense pressure and easily picked up the slack for everyone.

It was only when Rhea moved, slipping her gloves back on, standing and placing her hat on her head that Jay realized this part of the service was over and they all needed to start the rest of this intense day. He spared a glance towards Voight and Platt, both of them standing, waiting for the others to file out and Jay let out a breath. Rhea had waited, reaching to give both Voight and Platt a pat on the shoulder and then filed out of the pew followed by the rest of the team and precinct who had shown up today to pay their respects.

When he'd ensured that both Adam and Hailey were steady on their feet, Jay slipped his hat on and followed the women as they made their way out onto the street. There was something playing softly in the crowd and Jay had a moment to look around, falling into line with the rest of his team and the two uniforms they'd come to use recently. Some other officers began to make their way to their cars and Jay knew those would be the outriders and felt something churn inside of him, fighting his own emotions as Adam took a deep breath beside him, causing Jay to place his hand on the man's shoulder again, giving it a squeeze and earning a nod. Today was a lesson in silent communication, and that was something Intelligence had always done incredibly well.

Jay tilted his head to catch Rhea's gaze and subtly indicated Adam and she moved towards them, slipping between them and passing Hailey's hand off into his in the process. Platt had already called the tribute back at the station, but it had been agreed that Voight would do it again here, and then the commander would do it one last time at the crematorium. Al hadn't wanted to be buried, once joked with Jay that he should take him to that Weed place Jay had ran security for and leave him there. The thought brought a soft smile to his face before the silence fell upon them, Voight taking his place at the top of the church steps and immediately everyone fell into place; standing shoulder to shoulder, all eyes on the man in uniform at the top of the steps as the flowers were placed inside the hearse.

Hearing Voight's voice break had Jay holding his breath, moving through the motions as he thought of anything and everything, letting muscle memory take over, feeling the entire group of policemen and women move in sync as the door to the hearse closed and the quiet purr of the engine started, piercing the sound of the silence that had settled thick and heavy. It was a physical weight, something Jay hadn't felt in a long time, but his shoulders ached and his eyes stung and everything was slowly starting to go a little bit pear shaped in his plan not to cry in front of everyone.

It was the soft touch on his arm, the gentle tilt of her head and the reassuring smile that had Jay walking blindly towards the Sierra and opening the door to allow for the girls to climb in the backseat. He raised a brow, pausing when Rhea didn't make a move to get into the car, giving her a nod and letting her walk towards Voight's car without making a big deal about it. He understood what she was doing and he appreciated it; letting them have their space as the group to deal with this but staying close. With Hailey, Adam and Kim all tucked in the backseat, he and Kevin climbed in the front with Jay behind the wheel. He waited for Voight's car to pass and take its place in the motorcade, noticing that Rhea was in fact driving, as he took his place behind. Jay made use of the pause and the privacy of the car to check his phone. He'd text Erin and told her about the arrangements, but all he'd received in response seemed almost generic – a simple thank you and a condolence. It had hurt like a bitch to read it, took his trembling hands a full twenty minutes to send a simple thank you back to her before adding if she needed him he was there.

Jay had half expected her to show up at the precinct when she'd found out, half expected the whole force of the FBI being brought down on the people responsible. He'd waited, breath catching every time someone was buzzed up, every time the phone rang. But she hadn't. Jay had looked for her this morning at the station, he'd kept an eye as they made their way to the cars, as Platt struggled to corral everyone from behind the desk and intelligence had ended up in the small office just across from her desk. He'd watched the crowed, waiting for her to appear, but he hadn't seen her.

He hadn't seen her inside the church, either, but he knew she was here. He had that same feeling he'd always get when she was around, but it felt different somehow. He took a second to look around the crowd, only putting the car into drive and moving forward when Kevin cleared his throat. They'd turned the radio off, sitting in silence as they moved through the streets and Jay focused on counting the blocks, on working out what he was going to eat for dinner tonight, on the fact he'd need to put his uniform into the cleaners, anything but Al and funerals and her and what a shit show the past 12 months had been.

The rest of the service turned into one big blur as Jay worked on not feeling anything, not dealing with anything and being the one strong enough to help his friends through their grief. He and Rhea proved a solid team: making sure everyone was where they needed to be, everyone had the hugs and the comfort and the support they needed. Rhea had worked around the immovable Voight, held both Kim and Adam's hands at different times and had switched gloves with Kim when her gloves had ended up smeared and Kim had gotten upset over not looking her best for Al.

The hardest part was getting everyone back into their vehicles and getting everyone back to Molly's for some finger food and alcohol. It took careful planning, but it was enough to keep Jay's overactive mind on something that wasn't how he was feeling as he and Rhea took several trips from the door of the funeral home to the car to get the team in the vehicles and on their way. Rhea had ended up taking Hailey with her and Antonio went with Jay but it was only another set of steady hands and Jay gladly relinquished driving duties to the older man.

They'd taken the cars back to the precinct and had arrived to those from Stationhouse 51 and Med who had been able to be there waiting to give them a ride to Molly's. Jay had nodded once at his brother, accepted the handshake and the promise of a hangover cure in the morning – something which Will was once dead set against. It had been another mini operation to get everyone sorted and into a car, but when they'd arrived at Molly's the sense of finality had hit Jay hard and sucked the breath from his lungs, and he couldn't physically cross the threshold.

He leaned against the wall, working on his breathing exercises, and smiled at those as they passed him, waving people off when they stopped to speak to him. He did accept Rhea's pat on the chest, the weight of her hand slowing his racing heart slightly and almost releasing the tightness in his chest. It was over in a second and she was in the building, leaving him alone on the sidewalk with nothing but his thoughts.

"She's good."

It was two words, but Jay felt the hair on his body stand up and barely swallowed the gasp that wanted to fight its way through his throat and into the empty street.

"Yeah, she is." His own voice sounded alien to him, tight and quiet. He turned his head to look at the woman who had spoken those words, forcing a smile and pushing himself up off the wall. The surge of anger that came with the movement confused him momentarily as she approached, and he grit his teeth to keep it in check.

"Hank seems to think so."

This was small talk, the awkward combination of words that always seemed to come whenever it got awkward and the feeling of it being awkward between them was so alien to him that he wanted to push everything to one side and put it back to the way it was. When she put her hands in her pockets and offered him a small smile, the anger surged and it made sense this time.

Jay had so much he wanted to say in that moment. A wide variety of words and phrases, a whole plethora of things that he'd had bottled up for years. The sentences that were on the tip of his tongue ranged from She's not you, and She's a solid cop to she's rock solid, she won't leave but the only thing that came out was "So did Al." and even then he couldn't get more out passed that and the stale air between them made him wince.

His question about the length of her stay and her statement about him looking good collided, her answer of leaving in the morning and his of so do you also clashed, and their sighs finally united them. Jay rubbed the back of his neck and she looked down.

"So…" She started, and Jay let out a humourless chuckle, shaking his head and swallowing.

"You could have called." There was something about the way he said it, not quite passive aggressive and not quite angry but somewhere in between and the brunette looked taken aback. Even Jay was taken aback, because he wasn't sure what he meant or when he meant.

"I'm…I couldn't."

Jay's mouth was in a hard set line, because he wanted to push this, wanted answers to the plethora of questions he had, but this wasn't the time or the place and wasn't going to disrespect Al like that.

She must have sense it; sensed the conflict of emotions within him because she took a step back and held up a hand. "I wanted to, I just…didn't know what to say."

Jay nodded curtly once, because there was so much she could have said and for her not to know what he wanted to hear, what he needed to hear? Then she did the right thing in saying nothing.

His name and her name tangled together and that got him to smile softly, putting his hands in his pockets and tilting his head at her. He was trying to keep himself together and here she was, the only woman left in the world that could undo him with a smile.

"Not here," Jay shook his head, finally managing to get something out that was worthwhile. "But I'd like to hang out before you head back, if that's okay, Erin." He hated how unsure he sounded, but he couldn't take it back and he bit his tongue to wait it out for her to answer.

Her dimples lit up her face long before her words registered with him.

"I was hoping you'd say that. My flight leaves at noon."

Jay wanted to ask her to come over to his tonight, to get something to eat, to talk, but he wasn't that selfish and there was someone who needed her a lot more than he did in that moment, shockwaves running through his veins when he realised that.

"Breakfast?" The offer was out before he could really think it through and the brunette was nodding and moving, taking a hug and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him as she nodded into his chest. "we should head in," Jay cleared his throat and stepped back, busying himself with opening the door for her, the familiar sound of laughter filtering from the bar.

"Yeah, yeah we should." She nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear, taking his lead and heading in, leaving him time to steal himself and enter the bar, a curt nod to the raised eyebrow of the red head sitting at the bar.

The dawn was still tinging the sky a beautiful pink colour when he set eyes on her, walking through the 24hour diner to meet him. Jay couldn't fight the smile from his face and Erin returned it, slipping into the booth and picking up the coffee he'd already ordered for her, taking a sip and shaking her head.

It felt like nothing had changed. Like this was before and not after and that nothing life altering had happened to either of them in-between. It was just them, just Jay and Erin, Halstead and Lindsey and it was early morning and the day was just about to begin. Except, it wasn't quite like that anymore. There was no them or Jay and Erin or Halstead and Lindsey and their day wasn't just starting. She was catching a flight back to New York in a few hours and he was punching into Intelligence, into a unit that was one man down and already felt old, cold and different. However, Jay allowed himself to be in the moment, feel whatever it was he was feeling at that point, knowing that it would end up changing the second they started to bite into the elephant in the room.

He let Erin order first, ordering the same pancake stack and side of bacon as he always did whenever she ordered waffles, knowing that they'd end up sharing anyway. It's just how they worked. The silence felt different today than it had yesterday; it felt less dense, less angry, less stale. Jay felt like he could breathe.

Erin cleared her throat and looked down at her coffee, the dawn colouring the curve of her cheeks and casting shadows under her eyes beneath her lashes. Now that he had given himself time to really look at her; she didn't look all that different, but like an entirely different person all at once. Her hair was shorter, lighter. She was wearing more make up than she had, her nails were French manicured, and she was wearing jewellery. She looked better than she had working with him, but she looked more exhausted, too.

"You know, I've always been able to feel your eyes on me." She spoke softly, more to her coffee than anything, her smile not quite meeting her eyes when she looked up. "I never thought I'd miss it."

Jay smiled, looking out of the window at the sleepy Chicago street, knowing that in a few short hours it would be busy and bustling, and the world would continue to turn regardless of how he felt. He'd missed looking over at her desk and seeing her there, missed knowing she had his back. But then Voight had changed the Bullpen around and while it made sense, it changed everything, and he still occasionally found himself looking for her desk whenever he entered the room.

"I never thought I'd have to miss doing it." The words were almost soundless, a whispered confession that slipped through the cracks of a broken heart, raw and vulnerable and he almost wanted to shove them back, apologise for saying it when he heard her audible intake of breath. Almost.

"Jay." His name sounded so broken coming from her lips and he swallowed, eventually looking back at her, meeting her eyes. "It was never about you." She shook her head. "You need to understand that."

"No, what I needed was my partner to tell me what the hell was going on before she booked it out of town. I needed a goodbye Erin."

"You would have tried to stop me—"

"I—" Jay tried to interject, sitting up straight in the booth.

Erin held her hand up and Jay closed his mouth, "I needed to go, Voight told me to go. I was in the shit Jay and you know it."

"Yeah, you were and it was hitting the damn fan," his voice was hushed and he levelled her with a look when the waitress brought their food over, sensing the obvious tension and scurrying off. "I could have helped, Erin."

"I was losing my badge, Jay. My career. Everything I'd worked for." Erin didn't even look at her plate, her dark eyes firmly on Jay and he met her gaze.

"So your career was more important than calling me, than working this thing out?" He almost snarled at her, indicating between them with his hand. The silence that fell was tighter and more suffocating than it was outside the bar and Jay was having trouble swallowing. She was right, he would have fought for her to stay, to face this, to fix it. "I would have come with you." The words that fell from his lips filled the silence between them before he could have stopped them; it was now or never to be completely honest.

Jay wasn't sure what hurt more; the beat she waited before her response or the response itself.

"I didn't want you to."

He kept his eyes locked on hers, his jaw clenching against the tidal wave of emotion that was building; his heart racing as he gripped the table. He'd known this, deep down, when takes turned into weeks which turned into months of no contact. But hearing her say it, hearing those words in her raspy voice? It was more than he'd expected.

It took a good few minutes for him to work himself down from the edge, to talk himself down and in that time he found himself beginning to cut up his food and her to do the same. Neither one of them said anything else right away, the bond they shared seemed fragile now and the wrong words would sever it completely.

"I needed a fresh start." Her voice was quiet, and only then did he notice the tears on her cheeks and he let out a breath, sitting back against the booth and picking up his coffee cup, hands trembling as he brought it to his mouth. "Chicago isn't good for me, Jay, there's too much here that dragged me in deep and wouldn't let go."

He listened quietly, sipping on his coffee as she spoke, her words sinking through the pain as she began to explain the slide she was on in Chicago from her point of view and her relationship with her mother. None of the information she gave him was really new but hearing her explain the twists and turns of the last few weeks of her time in the city from her point of view felt better, felt like what he should have had all those months ago.

"Voight told me not to look back because he knew if I did, you'd make me stay." Erin's voice was quiet, almost a whisper and Jay shook his head.

"If you explained this to me, if you told me you needed to get out of here, I wouldn't have tried to make you stay. I would have come with you, or we could have done this whole, me stay you go thing. I dunno," Jay shrugged, eyes shining with unshed tears, "But I do know I wouldn't have carried the guilt and the loss with me like this. Because damnit Erin, it felt a lot like you left me." He wanted to tell her about the ring, but that was entirely too much for this conversation. Jay was exhausted now and his instinct to protect Erin was kicking in and he swallowed. He put his mug back down on the table, leaving his hand resting on the table as he relaxed into the booth.

"I never left you, it was never about that. I wanted to speak to you and to explain it to you, but we were both in a really…difficult spot and a messy headspace and it wasn't right for either of us to have me making it worse for both of us." Erin reached over and took his hand, Jay immediately curling his fingers around hers.

"You think we peaked too soon?" He asked, his eyes locking on hers, body moving without his consent as he reached across to wipe her tears.

"I think if circumstances were different, if maybe it was a different time or place…" Erin trailed off as he wiped her tears, smiling at him.

"Then we'd be somewhere else, some other time, having breakfast together." Jay stated, withdrawing his hand from her face but not letting go of her fingers.

"You were right about someday." She told him, squeezing his hand and picking up her fork. "You said it would definitely happen."

"I know, right, you sound surprised." Jay teased, and picked up his own fork, both going for each other's plates simultaneously, giggling and repeating the motion, eating the lukewarm food before going back to their own plates, not letting go of their hands.

The rest of breakfast was spent discussing cases and cities, the differences between the two and the similarities, the difference between being a fed and a cop. It felt right, it felt normal. It felt like no time had passed. The waitress had seemed a little more comfortable coming to refill their coffee and clear their plates and they even got a smile when she dropped off the bill, a thank you when she returned to collect it. Erin had argued the point when Jay covered the bill but he'd thrown his napkin at her to shut her up and it worked. Jay was just recounting the first case they'd worked with Rhea when his phone bleeped, Voight's name lighting up the screen followed by the word case and an address.

Jay felt Erin's hesitation in sync with his own and he sighed, swallowing hard and pushing to his feet, her hand still in his. He used it to pull her to her feet too and lead her out of the diner.

"I parked behind you." Erin told him, a soft tug on his hand, leading him to their cars and he let her do it, watching her, drinking in every single memory of her he could, filing them to their little Erin Lindsey space in his head.

"So."

"So." Jay smiled when they'd gotten to her car, his heart thundering again and she must have sensed it because she placed her hands flat on his chest and let her thumbs stroke over his jacket, his arms wrapping around her, fingers linking at the base of her spine.

"I promise to call this time." She told him, a sad smile on her face.

"Don't be a stranger, Erin, we might not be together, but I always have your six. It's why you have back up, you know that." Jay gave her what he hoped was a smile and not a grimace, but he could feel his heart breaking and healing at once and it was completely uncomfortable.

"I know." Erin nodded, patting his chest again, tilting her head forward to rest under his chin. "have to put on my own vest." She mumbled and grinned wide at the laugh that bubbled from his chest out into the crisp air.

"You would become a Fed, Erin, I told you last time." He joked with her, before pressing his lips against her hair, catching her forehead when she leaned back and he went to place a second kiss on her head.

This didn't feel like goodbye this time. It didn't feel final. It didn't feel like it had when she last left. It felt like closure and an apology and exactly how it felt when you dropped someone you loved off at the airport when they were going on vacation.

Jay caught her gaze again and he wasn't sure who moved first and years down the line it wouldn't matter, but his lips were pressing against hers and she tasted exactly like she used to; syrup and coffee, but she didn't taste like his anymore and he smiled down at her when she pulled back, eyes glossy again and he knew she felt it, too.

"I'll see you later," he told her, cupping her face and stroking her cheek.

"See you soon, then." Erin grinned, leaning into his touch before stepping back and clearing her throat. Jay instantly leaned over and opened her door, earning a punch on his shoulder from her and a laugh as she got into her car. He closed the door before she could say anything else, tapping the roof when she started the engine, stepping back and putting his trembling hands into his pockets as she pulled out into the morning traffic and began to drive away.

His phone beeped again and he looked down to read the text, more information about the case from Ruzek and Jay cleared his throat, swallowing hard when he looked back up and her car was out of sight. He nodded once, rubbing the back of his neck before making his way to the car and made his way to their latest case; sending up a silent thank you to Al for bringing Erin home and giving them both closure.