From the moment Remus opened his eyes, he wished the day was already over. He wondered if Dumbledore knew of some sort of forward Time Turner he could use for days like today, where it wasn't so much what he had to do that depressed him, but the very fact that the day itself even existed.

Remus sighed as he felt Sirius stir, stretching then nestling closer in his sleep. At least he had this, pathetic as it was from his perspective, to wake up to each day. Since returning Sirius to his childhood home a week ago, the other man hadn't spent a single night in his own bed. Not that Remus minded, but there was the very real fear in the forefront of his thoughts that one day Sirius would snuggle a bit too close and feel something decidedly unplatonic pressed against him.

Though it seemed today to be Remus' turn to feel something unexpected. He caught himself before a gasp left his lips, an immediate reaction as the sleeping Sirius pressed closer, cock hard and digging into his hip. Remus eyes closed as he held his breath, not daring to move quickly least he wake his friend and their situation became embarrassingly obvious. Even knowing Sirius' incredibly normal biological reaction had absolutely nothing to do with him, Remus commited the moment to memory, savoring the feel of hard heated skin that he'd always longed for. But after a second, feeling himself unfairly taking advantage of his best friend, Remus decided to quickly and quietly vacate the bed.

Getting up before Sirius' warm body against his own could make him any harder than he already was, Remus crept softly into the bathroom. Luckily Sirius was not an early riser, so lately Remus had been able to find the time to take himself in hand, to quell his need for the other man before Sirius awoke, none the wiser.

He was so hard he could barely walk straight. The moment Remus shut the door to the bathroom he looked down, frowning as his pants tented obscenely. He pressed his palm to his cock, moaning softly, the ache of his need so great that he reached in and began to stroke even as his other hand turned on the tap to the shower. Charming it to hot before casting a silencing charm on the shower curtain, Remus hurriedly placed his wand on the side of the tub. Remus almost stepped into the shower before he remembered he was still fully clothed. Releasing his cock momentarily, he pulled the elastic down and threw off his shirt. Warm water hit his already heated skin as he closed the silenced curtain behind him and jutted his hips under the spray. Seaking a fast fierce release, Remus wrapped his fingers around himself, rocking back sharply as his cock thickened in his tight grip.

Remus knew this was getting ridiculous. How many mornings could he continue, waking up full of need for the unrequiting man beside him, taking pleasure in his own hand in an empty shower full of dashed hopes and tragic what-ifs. Yet at the moment he couldn't care less. He'd felt Sirius, hard against him, the memory seared into his mind as he touched himself, wishing he could reach out and grasp that thick cock that had pressed so snuggly into his hip just moments before.

And Remus could show Sirius such pleasure if he'd only allow him, years of yearning and eagerness to please making up for lack of practice and aptitude. But Remus knew how to please himself, how to make another man come undone, what he could and wished so fervently to do for Sirius. How he'd take that long thick length between his scared fingers, stroking him, mapping his skin, finding every spot that made him moan and buck. Then he'd suck him off, slow and tantalizing, stringing out the pleasure, making Sirius beg for it. Harder, faster, more. Damn, Remus would even let Sirius fuck him if he wished. He'd never had the desire before, to let another man take him, to be so vulnerable. But with Sirius, he'd give him anything, everything.

Moaning loudly, safe within the barrier of the silencing charm, Remus longed for release. His length throbbed in his shaking fingers, wet with water and leaking precum as Remus pressed his thumb roughly to the thick head. What Sirius didn't know couldn't hurt him, Remus reasoned as he got off to thoughts of the other man. With his own fingers he stroked himself harder, leaning into his grasp, crying out in frustration to come. Tasting copper as he bit his lip, Remus bucked his hips and spread his legs, his balls tight and aching for release, cock full and tall as it bounced against his belly with each downward thrust.

A shadow passed on the other side of the curtain just as he was ready to get off. Remus swore, angry at himself for forgetting to lock the bathroom door. And, of course, with the silencing charm on the shower Sirius hadn't even known he was inside. Hoping Sirius wouldn't notice him for the next few seconds, Remus gripped himself hard and fast, knowing the object of all his desires was so close, could even watch him if he only opened the curtain. Even though the reality of that would cause Remus to run off in shame, the fantasy spurned him on as he came, hard, crying out as cum covered his hand and coated his stomach, his entire body stiffening then melting in satiated need.

He wondered if there was a record for the amount of time you could be hopelessly in love with your straight best friend. If he wasn't breaking it, he was damn close.

Before he could allow Sirius to realize he was doing exactly what he'd been doing in the shower, Remus stuck his head out of the silenced area, causing Sirius to whip his head around, toothbrush falling from his mouth.

"Shit Moony, you gave me a fright!"

"Sorry, I was just showering and didn't want to wake you so I put up a silencing charm," Remus said quickly.

Sirius took a moment to reply before giving Remus a foamy smile. "Ah I see," he said, before rinsing his mouth and heading for the door. Just as he was about to leave, Sirius leaned back and cocked an eyebrow at Remus, a half smile playing on his full lips. "And next time you're having one off, just remember to lock the door." He winked and fled before Remus' groan of shame even hit his ears.

It took about three hours before Remus could come out of his room and face Sirius again, and by then the other man seemed to have forgiven or forgotten their earlier encounter.

"Moony, I want to get drunk tonight."

"Okay…" Remus said, supportive yet wary.

"Like, shit faced drunk. Firewhisky at Hogwarts parties-drunk. Like old times."

Remus nodded. He'd almost forgotten the date due to this morning's embarrassment. Thinking about getting drunk was an ironically sobering reminder.

"I said 'okay' didn't I?" Remus replied as Sirius sat up from the living room couch, cocking an eyebrow.

"Really? Thought you'd take more convincing."

"I have just as much reason to hate today as you do Sirius," Remus reminded him as he went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Returning a minute later, Remus handed a cup to Sirius and sipped his own, perched on the arm of the ugly green living room couch.

Sirius peered down into the depths of his tea cup as if seeking answers. Remus wondered how long the other man had been alone with his thoughts today and suddenly felt bad for leaving him in his shame.

"Alright, well give me a shopping list. What kind of alcohol will get you sufficiently 'shit faced.'"

Sirius snapped out of his stupor and took a moment to think. "Firewhiskey. Obviously. Maybe some muggle ale or I don't know, I've always wanted to try one of those girly drinks. You know, bright pink or something with fruit and an umbrella."

"I'm not a bartender you know," Remus sighed and smiled, shaking his head. "Maybe if you're lucky I'll get you a lemon wedge for your beer."

"You spoil me Moony," Sirius beamed and Remus rolled his eyes. He hadn't noticed exactly when Sirius had lapsed into calling him by his nickname, but he decidedly liked it.

"Alright, well I have to pick up a few things, the full is next week and all," Remus stated, gathering his coat.

"Oh, get some hangover potion while your out too then," Sirius suggested and Remus nodded.

"I'll be back in a few hours. Be good."

"Aren't I always?" Sirius said, batting his eyes.

"The best wanted criminal I know," Remus replied as he made for the door, Sirius' chuckle fading behind him.

Between aparating to meet up with Snape for his Wolfsbane, flooing to Diagon Alley for hangover and sobering potions and stopping at the Hogshead for some good Firewhisky, it was almost dark by the time Remus was able to make it to a liquor shop in Muggle London. The smell of damp fall leaves crushed underfoot reminded Remus of days curled up with a good book in front of the fire. Now he pictured Sirius by his side, or better yet with his head resting on his lap, cozy, domestic, no war, no danger, only comfort and home. He was almost enjoying himself when a demon nearly knocked him over.

Remus reared back as the squat monster looked up at him expectantly before shaking a half full pillowcase.

"Trick or treat!"

"Now Henry, you know you only say that at someone's house, not to strangers on the street," his mom scolded him and offered Remus an apologetic smile. Remus returned it and stepped out of the way.

By the time Remus was walking back down Grimmauld Place, the area was teaming with children. Tiny witches, superheroes, princesses and ghouls scrambled about full of sugar and begging for more. Standing discreetly under an overhanging tree, Remus cast a disillusionment charm on himself so none of them noticed as he walked up to his own non-existent home, dark and lacking the decor of their festive Muggle neighbors.

After blowing a kiss to the shrieking portrait of Walburga Black, Remus trudged upstairs to his room only to find Sirius on his worn couch taking a nap.

"Honey, I'm home," Remus said sarcastically, causing Sirius to sit up and rub his eyes. He cast a wandless lumos at the lamps, charming the darkened room into cozy brightness.

Sirius looked a bit grumpy and disheveled but Remus still marveled at how beautiful he was even at his worst. His overly long black hair hung loose around his shoulders, shining in the lamp light against the navy jumper Sirius had borrowed from Remus. While Remus knew he himself looked frumpy in overly baggy knitwear, it only made Sirius look like some sort of model for vintage apparel. Sleepy grey eyes looked Remus over before holding out a hand.

"Where's the booze? I wanted to be drunk hours ago."

Remus rolled his eyes and began to pull bottle after bottle from his charmed bag. "Now I know your mother never taught you any manners, but I sure as hell tried. Ask nicely Black." Remus could tell his friend was in a mood and didn't blame him one bit. With nothing to do all day but brood over the anniversary of your best friend's death, he knew he would be no party either.

"Moony…" Sirius whined pathetically before Remus gave him a pointed look. "Fine. Moony, light of my life, buyer of the sacred brew, will you please do me the honor of getting completely shit faced with me?"

"Thought you'd never ask," Remus replied, sinking down on the couch after moving Sirius' feet onto his lap and handing the man a bottle.

"To getting thoroughly smashed," Sirius said, clinking bottles with Remus before both upended their ales.

One hour, too many beers, and a sobering potion on both their parts-that only partially did the trick-later and Sirius was in a much less somber mood.

"James would love this," he said, waving a hand around in the air from where he lay in Remus' lap.

"What, me living in your spare bedroom in our mid thirties?" Remus answered cynically.

"No no, us. Together. Marauder...ing."

"I'm not sure that's a word," Remus replied, taking a swig of Firewhisky. He was beginning to feel its effect again and was eager to numb himself the more Sirius talked about his lost best friend. Crippling self doubts were edging into his subconscious and Remus was tired of feeling like he wasn't enough for Sirius.

"It is if I say it is," Sirius muttered, before looking up at Remus from under dark eyelashes. "Remember our parties? Especially after Quidditch matches, damn those were wild."

"Didn't Peter end up licking whipped cream off some Hufflepuff girl once?" Remus recalled as Sirius shuddered and stretched out on his lap.

"Don't remind me. For multiple reasons. I think that was the same party where I got slapped by Felicity Crane."

"You always did have a way with women," Remus sighed. His head was beginning to ache and not just from the alcohol.

"Hey, I'll have you know, half the girls at Hogwarts were after me," Sirius said his words slurring slightly, getting a far off look in his eyes.

"Yeah," Remus replied, remembering it all too well. Sirius going off in some dark corner with a girl one day, then to the greenhouses with another the same night. Watching and pushing away the jealousy, knowing it would never be him. "Do you miss it?" he asked, surprising even himself. He wasn't sure he wanted the answer either way.

Furrowing his brow, Sirius pondered for a moment. "Nah. I mean it was fun then, but now? I just feel too...too different. I was young, then. Just trying to figure out what I wanted, you know?"

"So you've got that all figured out then?" Remus laughed and carded a hand through Sirius' hair unconsciously. He knew what he wanted, but that was neither here nor there.

"Hardly," Sirius responded, waving a hand about in the air. "But I know it can't be found under a girl's skirt. Too many more important things to worry about these days. Staying safe. Keeping Harry out of harm's way. The war. You."

"You don't ever have to worry about me Sirius. I'm fine. Really."

Sirius sat up straight, if a bit wobbly, biting his bottom lip before taking a long swig of firewhisky. With a stare that was far more sober than his countenance belied, Sirius looked Remus hard in the eyes.

"But you're really not. I know you won't tell me why, but you're not. I know that much," Sirius finished before slumping back on couch, rolling his head back to stare at the ceiling.

They were both silent for a time, lost in their own thoughts. Remus wondered what gave him away, how much Sirius knew about his attraction to him. How he could hide it better in the future. He pondered at what Sirius was thinking about as his friend sat close at his side, what secrets the other man still held as his own.

"What about you?" Sirius said thoughtfully, turning his head toward Remus, his eyes a bit unfocused and red.

"What about me?" Remus replied, playing dumb as he dreaded the follow up.

"Well, I mean you've got to have been dating since I've been gone. Anyone I should know about? Not that anyone could ever replace me in your heart of course," Sirius said, batting his eyes playfully.

Remus laughed even as his chest tightened with those words. Sirius would always be there, a hole in his heart, but that didn't mean he'd stayed a monk while the other man had been locked away. He'd even tried dating women, and he found it fun and a nice change from constant reminders with men that they were not, in fact, Sirius. But they never got physical and one of them always quickly called it off. At least he could tell Sirius that, more so than the pathetic fumblings in the alleyways of Muggle bars he'd had with dark haired men just to get a taste for what it could have been like with Sirius Black.

"No one special," Remus said after a long pause. Sirius looked at him to elaborate. "I mean, there were some nice girls, but things never worked out. Between how hard it is for me to find a job, to, well, my lycanthropy. Kind of hard to keep a relationship going when I can't be around for almost a week of the month. Plus the scars," Remus said, indicating the most obvious one across his cheek. "Not exactly a turn on."

"What?" Sirius cried, sitting up and pointing a wobbly finger dramatically at his friend. "Moony, I'll have you know, you're a right catch. Scars or not, you're, I don't know what kids say these days...a stud? Dreamy?"

"I think they say 'cute' a lot," Remus supplied.

"'Cute' doesn't cover it. And damn you're fit to boot! I've seen those abs, don't you dare call me a liar! Fuck it, if I were a bird, I'd be all over you!"

"Uh huh," Remus said, rolling his eyes. Dramatic drunk Sirius could never be taken, well, seriously.

"You don't believe me, that I'm just staying this cause I'm your friend, but really it makes it even more attractive how unpretentious you are. Plus you're smart and hilarious and...oh!"

"Oh what?" Remus asked, furrowing his brows.

"I just thought of it!"

"Go on," Remus said, taking a long drink from the bottle to steel himself.

"Of what you are to me! I remember, you got all hurt like a kicked puppy when I said you weren't a brother to me like James. But now I know what you are! Moony you're my chocolate!"

"Huh?" Remus was blindsided and had no idea how to take this odd revelation even as Sirius jumped up from the couch.

"You're chocolate! You make me feel better when I'm down, you're sweet even if a bit bitter sometimes. But you're always there for me, like chocolate."

"That...might-no definitely-is the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me," Remus said completely gobsmacked.

The light quickly left Sirius' eyes as he sunk back on to the cushions, leaning close beside Remus, one arm behind him on the back of the couch.

"Remus that's...that's so sad," Sirius said, his beautiful face far too close for Remus to deal with as he leaned away, ducking his head.

Swallowing the pain of his own words, Remus shrugged and looked down at his hands where they clasped his beer tightly. He hated the pity he saw in Sirius' eyes and willed it away with nonchalance.

"That's just how it is Sirius. It doesn't have to be sad unless we make it so."

"But Remus, don't you get it?" Sirius said, edging somehow closer. "You deserve so much better. You're...Moony you're a better man than I ever was. Hell you're even better than James and he somehow was able to snag Lily."

Remus chuckled despite himself.

"Really, Moony, I'm not just saying that. We were...well we were bullies. And rather snobbish at times. You were never like that, you're so kind and smart and you really care about people. I just...I think you deserve to be happy."

Remus looked up finally, seeing Sirius' face so close to his own, eyes shining with conviction, lips wet and so perfectly kissable. He felt his head sway forward, pulled as if by an imperceptible magic, before he was able to reer back, shaking it off even as his cheeks reddened. When Sirius' eyes widened Remus ducked his head once again, muttering under his breath. "Sorry, kind of tipsy."

"Yeah," Sirius replied softly, "Me too."

Despite his admission, Remus took another sip. Anything to not meet and fall into those eyes once again. What Sirius must think of him, he didn't wish to know. He hoped his friend attributed the quick dip of his head to nothing more than the alcohol taking its toll and not the very real need Remus currently had to kiss the mouth that had uttered such beautiful words to him.

"Really Sirius. I'm okay alone. I don't…" Remus began before he was cut off.

"Shut up!" Sirius shouted, grabbing Remus by the shoulder and turning him to face the intensity of his stare. "Just...don't. Don't say you don't deserve love. Because you do. Okay?"

Remus felt his eyes sting as his throat tightened. There was no way for Sirius to know how much those words meant to him, yet how much they hurt coming from the man he'd loved almost his entire life. That Sirius wanted him to be happy, to find love, but having no notion it could possibly be with him was almost the most painful curse imaginable.

"Okay," Remus replied when he could speak again. As Sirius cocked an eyebrow at him, Remus could tell his friend didn't believe his placation, but he was not quite up to acting his way out of this one.

"Okay," he said once more for emphasis, realizing his words too were becoming slurred. "Why'd this have to become so serious. I thought we were trying to forget our troubles."

"What else do we have left?" asked Sirius pointedly.

"Don't be so damn maudlin," Remus ordered, sitting up and looking Sirius in the eye. "I have you back, alright? Before, I had no one. I was alone, the last Marauder. So just shut up and let me find some enjoyment in life, alright?"

Sirius was quiet for a bit, stunned to silence. His eyes looked watery, wether from alcohol or some other emotions, Remus didn't know. At the moment Remus didn't care. He shook his head and took another shot that burned like fire down his raw throat. When he opened his eyes, there were long fingers laced with his own.

"I...I don't know how to do this," Sirius finally said, gripping Remus' hand tight.

Remus leaned forward, confused, drunk and very ready for anything. "What do you mean?"

"This," Sirius indicated, waving his free hand in the air before looking back at Remus. "Living. A normal life. I don't know how."

"Oh," Remus sat back. Disappointed but not surprised. His life was filled with moments of almost kissing Sirius Black. "Well, that's why I'm here," he said after a minute, squeezing Sirius' fingers back, his mind more sobered by Sirius' words than any magical potion.