A/N: Hey gang, it's been quite a while since I made any epilogues but this one popped into my head a few weeks ago and I couldn't resist. I'm going to switch styles on this one to dialog-only like in The Wedding Afternoon, which I naturally recommend ;)

Wade

"Benita Rose Fitzwilliam! Come here this instant!"

"Yes, Mama."

"You are in serious trouble, young lady!"

"Yes, Mama."

"Did you push that boy into the mill pond?"

"Yes, Mama."

"In the slimiest and dirtiest end?"

"Yes, Mama."

"In his best suit of clothes?"

"Yes, Mama."

"In a place where he could have quite easily bashed his head on a rock?"

"Yes, Mama."

"You embarrassed him in front of all his friends?"

"Yes, Mama."

"And did you shove him back in with a long stick when he tried to climb out? Do not think of lying, young lady. I know all."

"Yes, Mama."

"And all because of a silly little frog?"

"And a snake!"

"Was it poisonous?"

"Of course not, Mama."

"I must tell you young lady. I am most displeased and very disappointed!"

"Yes, Mama."

"This behavior is completely unacceptable for a girl of your age! Very unladylike!"

"Yes, Mama."

"Thoroughly disappointing!"

"Yes, Mama."

"You are nine years old Benita! It is time you started acting your age. Is pushing a boy into a nasty, stinky, dirty mill pond with no consideration for his embarrassment or health or safety how I taught you?"

"No, Mama."

"Is overreacting to such a slight provocation as a non‑poisonous snake acting as I have taught you?"

"No, Mama."

"Is this acceptable behavior?"

"No, Mama."

"You listen, and listen good young lady! The next time you want Bennet Darcy in the slimiest and slinkiest part of the mill pond and wish to keep him there for a half-hour, you should perfectly well be able to do that with your words alone. Shoving is for boys."

"Yes, Mama."

"I hear, Benita pushed you into the mill pond, Son?"

"Yes, Papa."

"In the slimiest, greasiest, slinkiest end?"

"Yes, Papa."

"And held you in there with a stick… a stick… for a full half‑hour?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Embarrassing you in front of your friends?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Demonstrating a thoroughly unacceptable level of weakness for a Darcy?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Ruining your best suit, which will not please your mother. You may be wearing a loincloth to church next Sunday."

"Yes, Papa."

"So, she just shoved you in?"

"Yes, Papa."

"And she never said anything? No words of anger? No explanation? No nothing?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Not a single word?"

"Not a word, Papa."

"Lucky Boy! You dodged a bullet there, Son!"

"Don't I know it! It could have been SOO much worse. I could see her winding up to talk before she shoved me in."

"Big, Big, Bullet!"

"Enormous!"

"Gigantic!"

"Colossal!"

"She might have kept you in there all day looking for a sharp rock to slit your own throat with."

"At the least! Probably worse."

"Do not ever get in the crosshairs of a Bennet's girl's voice."

"Sage advice, Papa."

"Benita, why are you not dancing?"

"I cannot."

"And why can you not dance?"

"I refused a dance."

"Refused!"

"Yes"

"Refused the second dance of the night?"

"Yes"

"Who exactly is this boy that was so repulsive you gave up dancing for an entire evening just to spite him? I know how you love to dance."

"Well"

"Spit it out, girl."

. . .

"Bennet"

"Which Bennet? Since we discovered the other branch of the family, I cannot keep track of them."

"Bennet Darcy"

"Bennet Darcy!"

"Yes"

"You gave up an evening of your fondest pleasure just to avoid dancing with your cousin?"

"Yes"

"What did he do?"

"I overheard him boasting to his friends that he would dance with me. He even…"

"He what?"

"He made a bet!"

"And?"

"A bet! I can barely tolerate the boy, and he made me subject of a bet! I have never been so insulted in my life."

"Insulted? Why?"

"The terms. He bet a farthing?"

"A farthing!"

"Yes."

"Only a farthing?"

"Yes"

"I will find whatever is left of his dead carcass and finish killing him. I can only imagine what you said to that."

"Probably not."

"So, what did you say, exactly, Benita? Sometimes you take Mama's lesson about using words as weapons a little too literally and I wonder if the boy will survive. Will I find him crying in the corner or looking for new trousers? Tell me, what toxic bit of vocabulary did you use? How egregious was the setdown? What exactly did you say?"

"No."

"What do you mean, 'No'?"

"That is what I said. 'No'"

"That's all?"

"Yes"

"Not another word?"

"Yes"

"In a ball where everyone will know you gave up an entire evening to avoid one set with him. No explanation. Nothing to either soften the blow or make it even worse? Nothing where he could salvage a tiny little bit of pride?"

"I said 'No'. Nothing else is needed or required."

"You are a heartless girl, Benita Fitzwilliam. He will never live that down."

"Son, I hear Benita turned you down for a dance without even the courtesy of a setdown."

"She did, Papa."

"She just said 'no' and nothing more."

"Yes, Papa."

"She gets more heartless every year. How is your pride to survive that?"

"I do not know, Papa. I cannot figure out why I even tried. We cannot stand each other."

"Yes, you two have never liked each other. I think she tried to strangle you in your cradle before either of you could even walk."

"Yes, we definitely do not like each other."

"Maybe you should just let her be. Eventually most boys learn a fire is hot and quit touching the stove."

"Sage advice, Papa."

"Benita, did you really take Bennet's favorite horse on a bet?"

"I did."

"That seems a bit heartless, even for the two of you."

"He should know better than to make a bet he cannot win."

"He's a boy."

"Maybe he learned a valuable lesson life. He will be a man soon enough and should know better than to be so foolish."

"What do you plan to do with it?"

"I was going to sell it to a man in Northern Scotland."

"Did you change your mind?"

"Yes, I found someone even farther away in Russian America."

"You really do not like Bennet, do you."

"No, Mama. I never have."

"I fail to see why. He has never done anything so very terrible… well, bad enough, but only marginally worse than other boys."

"He has been doing terrible things to me all my life. I cannot abide that boy."

"His father will not be pleased he lost a valuable horse."

"That is his problem. Maybe his father will finally beat some sense into him. The boy cannot get much worse."

"His mother will not be pleased he is such a poor sportsman."

"Really, Mama. He lost against a Bennet woman. Even making the wager is a sign of poor sense, but it is not as if he lost against a man. He should know better. Did Aunt Elizabeth teach him nothing?"

"You are heartless, Benita."

"I hear you lost a horse to Benita, son."

"Yes, Papa. I am sorry."

"That was the best horse in the stable."

"I know, but a bet's a bet, Papa."

"Well, yes, once she bested you there was no choice."

"No, there was not."

"Why do you keep at it? You know she is way smarter than you are. You will never win."

"She has always bothered me, Papa. Ever since she pushed me into the mill pond, I've been trying to get retribution. We can barely tolerate each other enough to survive family gatherings, and I just want to beat her, just once."

"Seems a hopeless business, Son."

"I know, Papa. I just cannot help it. If I best her just once I shall be content."

"Winning one bet of hundreds would not seem to be reaching very high, Son."

"She is a Bennet!"

"When you put it that way, I imagine you can dream, but personally, I suspect you are doomed to disappointment."

"I am afraid so. Maybe it's time to just give up."

"I would if I were you, Son. Face it… you are bested."

"Yes, I think you are right."

"Ho-Ho, Son. I understand you finally bested Benita in a wager. Congratulations, my boy!"

"Thank you, Papa. It feels good to finally win one."

"It has been a long and hard battle, Son."

"Brutal! I've spent an hour in the mill pond… thrice. Lost two horses, had to walk naked through school, crawl through poison ivy, steal honey from a beehive. I cannot even count how many bugs, worms and fish I have had to swallow, and let me tell you… that blistering hot sauce she imported from India was not that much fun. It has been brutal… absolutely brutal."

"I hope your terms were sufficiently egregious to extract your full revenge?"

"They were."

"So, what exactly did she lose?"

"You will see on Wednesday along with everyone else."

"So, it is to be a public humiliation?"

"More or less."

"You are heartless, Son."

"Benita, I hear Bennet finally bested you."

"Yes, Mama."

"Your bets have been getting worse and worse, with more and more egregious punishments for years. How bad is this one?"

"It was the biggest wager we have made."

"Oh dear! Just how bad is it? What were the terms?"

"You will see Wednesday. It is to be a public finish to this long battle."

"You will not give me a hint?"

"No, Mama, I shall not."

"I, Benita Sunset Fitzwilliam take thee Bennet Honeysuckle Darcy to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold…"

"Benita, I cannot believe you married a man on a bet, or that you even made such a big bet with someone you have hated man and boy since your cradles."

"Yes, it was a bit surprising."

"How terrible is it going to be?"

"I shall endure, Mama. A bet's a bet."

"What is that little smirk I see there, my girl. You are hiding something."

"I am only following your advice from a decade ago, Mama."

"Which advice was that? "

"You told me quite literally, 'The next time you want Bennet Darcy in the slimiest and slinkiest part of the mill pond and wish to keep him there for a half-hour, you should perfectly well be able to do that with your words alone.'"

"Yes, I remember that, but what does that have to do with anything."

"I decided I wanted him in the mill pond."

"Why, you sneaky little minx. Does he know he has been played?"

"Who says it was he that was played?"

"You mean?"

"I mean he has been working at this for a decade. It is quite impressive when you get right down to it. How could you not love a man who would crawl through poison ivy or eat bugs over a bet and come back for more?"

"When you put it that way, I think the two of you deserve each other."

"Yes, Mama… that we do. Love is funny sometimes, but we do quite love each other"

"Yes, my girl. It most certainly is."