I have made a career out of being an investigative reporter for a rather sleazy rag and have done my fair share of interviews with weirdos, sickos, perverts, psychopaths, celebrities, politicians, clowns and even Elvis impersonators, but this guy just creeped the shit out of me. You see, he was a vampire. I can already hear the 'yeah, right' from anyone reading this, but it is true. Yesterday I would not have believed it either, but that was before I met him.

I was meeting with a contact (just call him Bob) who said he had dirt on a local politician and was willing to let me have it, for a price of course. When you buy dirt on people, it sometimes happens that the seller is just trying to rip you off. This was one of those times. I'm a guy that's in good shape, street smart, and a martial artist of no small skill. I knew it was a set up the moment we headed down the alley. I went anyway. When you buy and sell dirt on people you don't usually do it at Starbucks where people can see you. Bob was making too much of an effort to make sure we weren't seen. Dark alley, late at night, drug dealers aren't this cautious. He couldn't be more obvious if he held up a sign. Unless this dude was a lot better than he seemed, he wouldn't be much trouble. Unnecessary risk, I know. But I was just in one of those moods. I figured that pounding this guy flat would serve as a good warning to others that might think to rip me off.

We turned the corner and entered the part of the alley that couldn't be seen from the street. A quick check, yeah, just us and a dead end alley. A full moon was directly overhead so there weren't any shadows for anyone to hide in.

As expected, as soon as we were out of sight of the street this moron pulls a knife and demands the money I said I'd have. I'll spare you the details of the fight because what happened to him was more of a beating than an actual fight. Besides, it was just a lead in to the interesting things that happened next. I had left Bob gasping on the alley floor with a warning about what would happen if he ever tries this shit again and I turned to leave. That's when I heard a voice behind me, coming from the blocked off alley that I already made sure no one was in.

"Say, are you done with that?"

I turned slowly. I've learned to move cautiously when unusual things happen, and someone talking to me from an alley that I made sure was empty qualifies as unusual. I wasn't too worried yet. My spot check was pretty quick. It was unlikely, but I could have missed someone.

When he came into view I was even less worried. There was nothing threatening or really unusual about this guy at all (in retrospect, that should have been my first warning). He was a bit taller than my own 5'10", a tad thinner than me, appeared to be in his late 20's, and dressed like anyone else in jeans, green shirt and a tan jacket. This guy would never stand out in a crowd unless it was the jacket. It just didn't look right with that shirt. Oh, he also looked a bit pale, but then doesn't everyone in moonlight? He was leaning with his back to the wall with his arms crossed about 15 feet from me.

He pointed at Bob, "So, do you mind?"

"Um, sure." I did not know what he was asking. Even if he came right out and told me I would not have believed him. As it was, I just assumed he wanted to rob Bob. He stood away from the wall and reached into his jacket. I kid you not, this is not bullshit, he pulled out a bib that said 'I (heart) A Positive' and tied it on. From his pants pocket, he pulled out a small folding knife and opened it up. Yeah, I was starting to get a bit concerned. That was before he smiled and let me see his fangs. After that I was very, very concerned.

"I'm willing to bet that you didn't know that vampires were real. Stay there and we'll talk after I eat." He looked at Bob again.

I didn't have a chance to reply. Faster than I would have thought possible if I hadn't seen it, he was on Bob, had slit his throat and was busy slurping away at his neck.

Ok, now I'm worried. Make that more than worried. How about just short of totally freaking the fuck out? When I said he was slurping away I was being quite literal. The noise of him feeding was making it real hard for me not to piss myself. Sooner than I thought it would be, he stopped and an expression of ecstasy washed over his face.

He sighed, "Ahh, that hit the spot." He dropped Bob to the ground where to my surprise, he was not totally drained of blood. Quite a bit was still left as it flooded out of the neck wound and onto the alley floor. Calm and as unconcerned as can be, the vampire stood up and undid the bloody bib from around his neck. From a pocket in his jacket he took out a zip-lock bag and placed the bib inside. From another pocket he pulled out a package of wet wipes and proceeded to clean his face and knife. When he was done with that he placed the bloody wet wipes in the bag too, zipped it shut, and put it back in his pocket. The knife went into a different pocket.

He walked over to me, "I don't often get a chance to ask." He held his arms out to either side and smirked, "Did I get any on me?"

You know it's bad when you're a reporter and you find yourself at a complete loss for words. I finally managed to croak out, "Um, yeah, you're good. Say, I just remembered some stuff I got to do back at the office, so if you don't mind?" and I started to turn to go.

He did that speed move thing again and was between me and the exit to the alley. "Don't be in such a hurry. Look at it this way, if I wanted to kill you, do you really think you'd still be alive?"

I was not greatly comforted.

"Pull up a trashcan and let's chat for a bit."

I didn't see that I had much of a choice, so I found one that looked like it wouldn't collapse and half sat, half leaned on it. "So what do you want with me? Seconds? Are you just playing with your food?"

He chuckled and smirked, "Good one. I like your sense of humor. You may not believe it, but what I'm actually looking for is a few minutes of intelligent conversation." He must have seen the skepticism in my face. "Really, think about it. When I'm among mortals I can't speak freely and let on about what I am. When I'm around other vampires, the conversations never seem to get past 'who's for dinner?' Back before I was turned, I was a very sociable person. I know you're a reporter, I've actually read some of your stuff. That's why I picked you to talk to. So, what do you want to know about vampires?"

My reporter instincts kicked back in big time. This could be the interview of a lifetime. With such an opportunity in front of me I can't believe I started off with something so stupid. "Have you seen Twilight?"

Oddly enough, he seemed to be expecting that question. "Yeah, I saw it four times."

"Wow, you liked it that much?" I never suspected that a real vampire would have anything decent to say about it.

It looked like I was right. "I was thrown out of the theatre 3 times for laughing so hard I was bothering everyone else."

"Not very accurate?"

He smirked, "Vampire, undead, no working internal organs, no pulse. You remember your basic high school biology? No pulse, no erection. Vampires; eternal undead existence, eternal erectile dysfunction. Vampires do not have sex," he grimaced, "ever. You also don't get drunk or high ever again. No blood is getting pumped to the brain so none of that has any effect anymore. How does that sound to you? Want to spend eternity impotent, clean and sober? You'd be amazed how many newly turned decide to go get a tan when they discover those little facts."

"What if you, um, fed, on someone that was really drunk or high?"

"Good catch. Sadly, even if the guy is one shot away from going to the hospital with alcohol poisoning, It's still not enough have much effect. Same for drugs. And let's be honest here, too much garbage in the bloodstream ruins the flavor. Imagine a fine whiskey that's a real pleasure to sip and then you discover that someone put a squirt of lime juice in it."

Put like that, it makes sense. "So then, what is so great about being a vampire? I mean, why become one?"

"Blame 'Twilight' for people wanting to become one. People expect to become Edward and they can't handle the reality. Now then, what's so great? Feeding. Have you ever been so thirsty that when you next took a drink you think you can feel it spreading throughout your whole body? It's like that but raise it to nearly orgasmic levels and it lasts as long as you feed. When I was alive there was nothing that could even come close, and that includes actual orgasms."

"Do you have to drink human blood?"

"Good question and the answer is no. If we could only drink human blood it would be very hard to remain inconspicuous. Police may not believe in us, but if enough bloodless corpses pile up with their throats torn out, it would be investigated anyway and blamed on a psychotic serial killer. They might discover the truth and they might even act on it. But it's not something they will put in a police report."

"What about vampires and werewolves? Is there anything to that?"

"Ah, the other popular franchise. Vampires and werewolves are like intellectuals and rednecks in the human world. There is no ancient war, no blood feuds, and no struggle for supremacy. We just don't socialize much because we don't enjoy each other's company. The only time vampires and werewolves have ever fought is over territory and food. And then it is usually a local dispute and quickly resolved."

"What about your ruling counsel? Can you give me any info on that?"

He smirked, "What ruling counsel? There is no 'Vampire Government'. We look after ourselves and there are no written rules because there is no one to enforce them. That not to say there aren't any unwritten rules though. Like 'Don't draw attention to yourself'. Anyone who gets really sloppy will get other vampires jumping in on him to remind him of why that is a bad idea."

"What do you do?"

"Generally, when a vampire starts getting sloppy, reasoning with them is not going to do anything, so we take them someplace where they can watch the sun come up."

"Why would a vampire 'get sloppy' as you say?"

"Angst mostly, eternal un-life was not what they expected or they just can't handle the way things change over time. It's hard to live below the radar in today's society. What would you do if you couldn't go out in the day, get a photo ID, produce a birth certificate or get finger printed? After that the most common thing is going feral. They drift into a mindset that nothing matters except feeding and they become little more than dangerous animals."

"How does a person become a vampire? What about your human victims? Should the people at the morgue have to worry about Bob getting up and start chewing on them?"

"We are not going there, even a little. I will say though that Bob is dead and will stay that way. He won't become a ghoul or a vampire. I won't even discuss how people get turned because if you publish our conversation, no matter how stupid or dangerous the process sounds, someone will try it."

I was frowning as I took all that in. "What's the matter?" he said with that smirk I was beginning to really dislike, "Is the reality of vampires not living up to your expectations? I know this is a letdown for you but vampires are really no more than animals that think and talk."

"Oh, hold on for minute." Almost faster than I could follow, he sprinted to the end of the alley and quite literally, up the wall. I thought about making a break for it but I was fascinated by what I was learning. Before I could make up my mind, he was back.

"Sorry, I had to check on something."

I got back on track, "Ok, I've got another question. Just how is it that you do remain inconspicuous?" I pointed to Bob. "Obviously you do indulge. That has to get noticed eventually."

He shrugged, "A bit of misdirection is really all it takes." He pointed to Bob too, "I slit his throat, I did not bite it out, and I didn't drain him dry. Who questions too closely the death of a punk that got his throat slit in an ally? Not a lot of blood left in the body? Well obviously, he bled out on the ground. It also helps when you have some else to blame it on." He sped over to Bob, picked up his knife and got some blood on it. He tossed it at my feet where it landed with a clatter. "Have fun! I wish we could have talked longer, but I'm afraid we're out of time."

I had about three seconds to wonder what he meant before I heard a shout from behind me.

"Police! Freeze!"

I put my hands out where they could be seen and looked over my shoulder at the entrance of the alley. There was a Police Officer there with his gun trained on me and a homeless man standing behind him.

The homeless man was telling the Officer, "See, jus like I tol ya. I come back ere to take a piss an he was a standin over the body."

So that was what he had to go check on earlier. He heard the bum coming and didn't want to be seen. I learned a great deal about vampires that night. Not the least of which was that this one was a real dick.