AN: I've been missing Dragon Age lately, reading a few fics in my spare time, and decided I needed to write a Fenris fic. TLDR: This takes place after DAII, as Hawke finds herself available and Fenris finds himself finally acting on the feelings he's had all along. Expect: Spoilers for DAII and DA Inquisition. The M rating is conservative, but there are adult situations and language. Minor appearances by Varric, Aveline, Donnic, and Alistair. You can read more of my rationale below.

When I play Dragon Age, I play largely as myself. My Warden/Champion/Inquisitor makes the choices I would make. She tries to find the diplomatic solution, doesn't kill innocents, and values personal freedom (even for mages), among other things. I prioritize these values over just about everything else in the game, except losing party members I like. I'm always careful to keep them all happy enough to stay, and I will replay from a save point to undo whatever mistake I made that lost them.

So when I played DAII, I was a mage-sympathetic rogue romancing Anders. Why did I do it? Maybe because I liked him in Awakening, maybe his looks reminded me of Alistair, maybe because I believed in his cause (to a point), but probably because I really wanted to save him from himself. I tried my best to help the mages, and he was quite happy with me. I always advocated diplomacy, that we could find the RIGHT way to free the mages. Then he blew up the chantry anyway. Talk about betrayal.

Part of me wanted to kill him right there, but I couldn't. I kept him alive to atone for his sins and sided with the mages. After I finished the game, I went back to an old save and romanced Fenris. He had grown on me, and part of me wished I had romanced him in the first place.

This story begins with the premise that I followed that other part of me, that Hawke executed Anders for his unthinkable act, as much as she loved him. She also turned to the Templars, hoping to restore order in the wake of the destruction. Fenris, meanwhile, was never able to shake the feelings he had for Hawke.

I have endeavored, with much research, to keep cannon wherever possible. From timelines to geography, I really did try. Please, let me know if you see something I overlooked. Comments and especially criticism are more than welcome.

...

...

...

"You have to pay for what you've done."

"I know. For what it's worth, I'm glad it's you. It was nice to be happy… for a while."

As Hawke opened her eyes, the dream slipped away, but it didn't matter. She knew what the Fade had shown her, what it always showed her. In the days after everything had gone so wrong in Kirkwall, every time she awoke was the same. She would quickly realize he wasn't there beside her, and then she would realize that he would never be there again. That was when the tears came. Over time the tears faded, replaced with a burning rage. She would wake up and throw things across the room, cursing him for what he did, what he made her do. The anger soon cooled, replaced with a resigned sort of sorrow that lingered for months. Her grief had faded with time, but the dreams stayed with her.

Anders had done the unthinkable, and she had executed him for it.

Hawke sighed. This morning, like every morning, she had to push the dream from her mind and get to work. The more work, the better. The less time she had to dwell, the better.

...

"Viscount… Ahem, Viscount… Ugh… Hawke!" Aveline's voice rang through the room.

Hawke jumped at the sound of her actual name, papers falling to the floor. "Yes! You were saying?"

Aveline sighed and dismissed the clerks sitting beside her. She bent forward and eyed Hawke from across the desk. "Where is your head today, Hawke?"

Hawke forced a smile. "Sorry, I'm fine. You were saying, about the new Guard recruits?"

Aveline leaned back in her chair, arms crossed. Hawke knew she was in trouble now.

"They're doing well, but that was the topic of conversation an hour ago. I swear Hawke, nine days out of ten you are the most dedicated leader I've ever seen, working yourself to exhaustion. But that tenth day… I might as well be shouting at you from the other side of town. Do you have any sense of moderation?"

"No," Hawke admitted, leaning forward on her desk. She knew Aveline understood, in the end. Hawke wanted to help Kirkwall, yes, but she also wanted to forget. Still, at least the topic on her mind today was not the past, but the present. "I got a letter from Bethany this morning."

Aveline's face tightened, steeling her features to hide any possible reaction to what Hawke would say next.

"Don't worry," Hawke explained, "It's not bad news, no one injured or anything. It's good news… I guess. It seems my little sister has taken a lover, another Warden."

"Hawke, that is good news," Aveline replied, allowing herself a small smile.

Hawke sighed again. Of course it was good news. Hawke was happy for her sister, it was just… "I don't know what to say. I don't know if I'm in the frame of mind to say the right thing…"

"Hawke…" Aveline said softly. "How are you doing? Do you still-"

"I'm better every day, Aveline, trust me," Hawke interrupted. "It's just hard to wrap my head around people… moving on."

"You'll get there Hawke. In the meantime, you could have Varric read over your reply. He's an author, after all," Aveline suggested. "You may want to get on that quickly, though."

"Oh?"

Aveline sighed. "I had been trying to tell you, King Alistair wants to meet with you."

"Great," Hawke replied, "He's welcome any time."

"No Hawke, you have to go to him."

This irked Hawke somewhat. He had no problem visiting Kirkwall in the past. She knew for a fact he liked getting out of his castle whenever possible. Besides, she had a city to put back together. Why was he suddenly summoning her, making her leave the familiar surroundings she had slowly cobbled together from the ashes of her former life? Oh… that didn't exactly sound like the kind of thinking the Champion of Kirkwall should advertise. Hawke sighed.

"We don't have things stable enough to host royalty," Aveline explained. "We lack the manpower to protect him, and neither the citizens nor the Templars would react well to him bringing a full battalion of Ferelden soldiers."

"I understand," Hawke sighed. "When do we leave?"

"We don't…"

Hawke folded her arms across her chest and glared at Aveline.

"I can't leave the Guard right now. I can't spare Donnic either. Varric is tied up in some very important trade deals that could help put this city to rights. Merrill is meeting with the Dalish about Maker knows what. Isabela is still in the wind… and even if she came back I wouldn't trust her with this," Aveline clarified. "I will send several guards with you, of course, but if you want to travel with someone familiar, it will have to be Fenris."

Ah… that's what had the normally blunt Aveline dancing around the point. What was wrong with Fenris? He was a capable warrior. Hawke had counted on him a hundred times before… but that was before.

"Is he even up for this?" Hawke asked softly.

Aveline huffed. "He's certainly not busy. Donnic and Varric are going to play cards with him tonight. They'll bring it up, and we're confident Varric's knack for persuasion will prevail."

Hawke wondered how much persuasion it would take to get Fenris to agree. They had been… avoiding each other. Oh he was around. He came to every scheduled public appearance she made as Viscount, standing in the back and looking anywhere but at her. They had said hello in passing when the group brought them together. They had not, however, been alone together. They had not discussed what had happened after Anders blew up the chantry. Hawke couldn't deny that on some level she was trying to avoid his inevitable I told you so.

He had told her so… over and over. Mages were dangerous, abominations were dangerous, Anders was dangerous. He had been right. She could imagine the smug smile forming on his tattooed face, but she had been afraid to actually see it. Well, in the beginning, in the throes of her grief, she had been afraid. Now she felt quite sure she could handle even his most biting criticism. Avoiding him had just become… habit.

Now, for the sake of Kirkwall, she would put on her big girl britches and face the elf.

...

Fenris glanced out his window, watching a handful of Hightown's citizens scurry home. A pair of guards walked by, out on their standard patrol. The lamps were lit, the streets were clean, and the citizens were fed. Hawke was doing admirably as Viscount, especially considering what she had to work with. The city hardly deserved her.

He turned his gaze to the scaffolding that would be the new Chantry, sticking up like bones against the moonlight. Fenris sneered. That blasted mage. He certainly hadn't deserved her.

The sound of his front door being pushed open drew Fenris from his thoughts. Of course, he still never locked the door. He eyed his sword, laid carefully across a table, but he could already hear a familiar voice calling from below.

"Hey! Tall, dark and broody, ready to play?" Varric taunted.

"Only if you're ready to lose," Fenris replied, glaring at the dwarf from the top of the stairs. He acknowledged Donnic with a friendly nod, and the three settled into the small table in Fenris's room.

Once Fenris was up by two hands, he noticed Donnic shoot Varric a pointed look.

"What is it?" Fenris muttered, returning his focus back to the cards in his hand. "If you want me to try training new recruits for the Guard again, you'll have to find stronger candidates…"

"Ah, no," Donnic answered. "Aveline has made it clear we won't be attempting that again any time soon."

"But we do have a different favor to ask," Varric explained. "See, we were hoping you were up for a little… vacation."

Fenris sighed, tossing one card down and drawing another. "What is it this time, Varric? Bandits? Dragons? Darkspawn? Up one side of the Wounded Coast and down the other?"

Varric grinned. "I was thinking a nice cruise to Ferelden. Head to Denerim, meet with the King, that sort of thing."

Fenris glanced at the dwarf over his cards, trying to read his face. There was a reason Varric had come to him like this, and Varric's reasons were rarely simple. "Again," Fenris replied, "What am I to expect of this… vacation? Bandits? Dragons? Darkspawn?"

"Hopefully none of those things," Donnic chimed in, "But we'll all feel better knowing Hawke has you… just in case."

Ah, there was the meat of this all. Hawke needed to travel, and they wanted him to go with her.

"I see, so she doesn't intend to request my presence in person. Instead she sends you?" Fenris grumbled, eyes back on his cards.

Varric sighed. "She just found out earlier today, and she really wasn't given a choice. We're here to ask you because even though we know things have been… different between you two, you're the only one who can make the trip. She leaves in three days, Fenris. If you don't go with her, she won't have any of us."

Fenris frowned. He knew what us, meant. Hawke, now more than ever, needed the support of her close companions. The ones who had her back, battle after battle, were now the only ones she could really trust as Viscount.

"So, was playing cards just a ruse so you could convince me to escort Hawke?" Fenris asked, laying his winning hand down on the table for his opponents to see.

Donnic shook his head warily, but Varric laughed. "You've never struck me as a guy opposed to killing two birds with one stone."

"Indeed," Fenris sighed. "And I wouldn't let Hawke go alone, no matter how awkward it will be."

"Great!," Varric cried with a grin. "Deal again then, Broody!"

...

The next day, Fenris walked through the halls of the Viscount's Keep. Novice guardsmen gawked at him openly, while veterans knew him by reputation, if not by sight. The clerk escorting him led him to the Viscount's private office, opened the door for him, and then left.

Hawke didn't look up from her papers as Fenris stepped into the room. That wasn't a very safe habit… Fenris opened his mouth to scold her, but he fell silent, studying her instead. During public announcements, Hawke carried herself with the same mantle of leadership she'd always had. She seemed strong, standing up there before the people. But here, buried in scrolls and sheaves, she looked so small and… lost. Fenris clenched his fists. He hoped the mage was watching from the Void, able to see what he had done. Fenris took a deep breath, reminding himself that this was no place for his anger.

"Hawke," Fenris called softly, relived when she looked up and gave him a small smile.

"Fenris… You got my letter. I'm glad you came."

"Your reasoning was sound," he explained, approaching her desk. "I agree it's better to close this… distance before we're crammed into a ship together."

Her smile broadened and Fenris felt his heart soften. She was still Hawke…

"Let's cut to the chase," Hawke began, standing from her chair and striding around the desk to face him. She crossed her arms and sighed. "Go ahead, say it…"

Fenris wasn't quite sure what she meant. Did she think she was owed an apology? Had some lingering question gone unanswered between them all these months? Did she know his feelings…

"Hmm…" she considered him carefully. "I would have thought you'd be dying to say I told you so."

Ahh. It was true. In the days after the Circle fell in such spectacular fashion, he had wanted to confront her, to make sure she saw just how fatal her errors had been. She had trusted Anders, a mage, an abomination. Each time Fenris even considered telling her off, however, the same image came to his mind. He would see the look of pain in her eyes as her knife sunk into the mage's back. She had already paid for her mistakes… she didn't need his taunts.

"Do you really think me so cruel?" Fenris muttered, turning away from her.

"No," Hawke sighed. "I'm half-teasing… but I do know I deserve to hear those words. I ignored your warnings for so long, and I know I will inevitably ignore your warnings in the future. For that, I apologize."

"Don't," Fenris replied. "I've never pretended to tell you what to do. I only ever meant to be the voice to remind you of the other side. I'm not so blind that I don't see that my experiences color my opinions."

"Well," Hawke began, leaning back against the edge of the desk, "Some of your opinions held more truth than my own. It bothered me, that you hated Anders, but maybe if I had listened to you…"

"I never hated Anders," Fenris corrected her. "I hated what he was, a mage, an abomination, but I always felt the man himself had a… goodness to him."

Hawke gaped at Fenris in stunned silence.

Fenris sighed. Clearly he would have to explain further… the tortured logic of his tortured life.

"I was primarily Danarius's bodyguard," Fenris began. "That work came with hazards, injuries. I frequently required healing. Of course, being Tevinter, mages were used as healers. Those mages always held such distain for me that I could feel it in their magic. Healing me was nothing more than fulfilling an order from their master.

"But Anders… was a true healer. Even though we disagreed so vehemently, about so much, his energy was… kind. Maybe he merely valued your friendship with me, but he certainly wasn't just following your orders. It surprised me, but I could let myself trust him on the battlefield.

"Knowing that he could extend kindness to me, of all people, I… If you would have told me that he would willingly take even one innocent life, I would not have believed you. Under the influence of a demon, however…"

Hawke looked down at her feet. "Remember, he claimed he did it by his own choice," she whispered.

Fenris wished he could see her face, to gauge how she was feeling. "That may be so, but he was still possessed. That spirit still changed him…" Fenris paused, but when she didn't answer, he continued. "Hawke, I'm sorry I brought this up…"

Hawke offered him a wistful smile. "No, Fenris. This is the sort of discussion we should have had a long time ago. I think if I had been brave enough to speak with you, it would have helped me to know how you felt about him." She sighed, looking out the window across the room. "You know… He made me promise to end him if things went too far. I really thought I could keep him sound, keep him whole. I thought as long as I could still make him smile, as long as he was still helping people, it would be alright. That's what I thought, but…"

Anders had betrayed her.

That was what Fenris wanted to say, but he held his tongue. Instead, he took a deep breath. "He went too far," Fenris finished for her.

Hawke nodded, surprisingly stoic. "Yes. He went too far, but I failed. I couldn't save him. I couldn't stop him. I couldn't save all those people. I couldn't stop the mess that followed."

Fenris scowled. "You shouldn't think like that. It's not on you. The world isn't all on you, Hawke."

"No, I suppose not," she chuckled bitterly. "Just Kirkwall."