Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

To Have Loved and Lost

They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. They are fools.

Shikamaru has seen it with his own eyes. And Shikamaru is many things, but he is no fool.

To those that spout such useless drivel, he would like to say, you have no right to be making such calls. You are not ninja. You have not seen it. You sit on your soft cushions in your safe and protected homes, bowing to your lords and basking in your sense of self-satisfaction. Eating and sleeping and loving. So sure that you will wake up again, so full of self-worth and pride, so arrogant in your predictability and that of others, so juvenile in the way you think, so innocent and naïve. So bloody useless with your soft bodies and full tummies and white hands that have never seen the sun, and your thin, weak feet that have never run for more than a mile. So content in your stupid, overflowing, excessive clothing, in your ridiculous headdresses and your foolish crowns. So lazy with armies of servants at your beck and call, so intent in the drama and the gossip, so unable to comprehend a statement that might be bigger than you, than all that is relevant to you. So pathetic, with your shallow words and your utter lack of empathy, so cruel in the way you fling words from your mouth and pretend it is wisdom. So selfish, willing to see others suffer on your behalf. So childish, so cowardly, so disgusting.

So to those whose mouths have dared utter such foolishness, Shikamaru would like to say nothing because they are not worth his time.

Because war is not what they thought it was. Because Shikamaru, the genius, the rookie with an IQ of 200, had never even imagined it to be this. This chaos and blood and gore and the screaming, the shouting, the bloodcurdling hollers and the war cries. Had not even contemplated that one day the reasonable voice inside his head, the one he was born with, his guiding light, his hope, would be drowned out by the runfearruncatchrunrunrurn screech of his own body. Would never have thought that adrenaline could replace blood as a body fuel, had never seen so much blood. Now his vision was tinged red, and he couldn't make out the colors anymore, or was that the burst vessels in his eyes? He could not tell. There were not much more than white, black, red and the dull rust shades in his world now.

He'd never believed he would discover the limits of a human body. Now he knew. There was not much the human body couldn't do. Self-preservation was a powerful instinct. Love, too. Agonizing, wrenching, screaming love.

Again, they'd struck him down, again and again and again until his body bled out and his arms stilled and froze against his sides, until his bones creaked with the pressure, until his guts spilled out.

But again he'd gotten up, again and again and again, thinking, Dad. 'There is always another way, son.'

Mom. 'Come on, lazy, wake up or I disown you!'

Asuma. 'Protect the king, Shikamaru. The king.'

Chouji. 'We have to help them, Shikamaru, this is important!'

Ino. 'Up! We don't have all day for your lazing about, Shika! Move it!'

Naruto. 'A ninja is one who endures. That is what my master told me. I'll win for everyone, believe it!'

The Hokage. 'Congratulations on making Jounin. You realize what this entails, I hope?'

Konoha. 'We're having a get together - all of us! Join us, Shikamaru!'

For all that was gone and obliterated, for all that once had been and never would again, he stood up.

He stood up because he knew what good despair and hopelessness did. Because he had seen it all before and had no wish to see it again.

Because he refused to die by his own hand or at the hands of a sickness.

Because he refused, absolutely refused to be torn down and broken once more.

Because in the midst of all this ruin, among the wreckage of this sunk ship that were once his hopes and dreams and ambitions, he will build a new boat. A small one, barely enough to hold one person, but he will make it grow.

Because he is tired of this…this helplessness and this running. He is exhausted and weak and bleeding dry.

But he will get up once again (and it will not be the last time he will fall), to begin his dream of a peaceful world, where silence does not mean danger and rest is not another word for death and lying is not synonymous to speaking and where morals govern what reason can't and where he is safe, for once, in his home. Where people are not cannon fodder and corpses are not the children's' playground.

He will show those Lords and Ladies, those Kings and Queens settled above the rest of them, thinking they are immortal, what it means to be live, like he has. He will make them see what it means to lead, to fear and most of all, to succeed.

The world will not accept such a dream. It will try and tear down the last of his defenses, but he is already stripped bare. He has nothing to give and nothing to lose. You cannot cower such a man. Cannot threaten him, cannot make him obey. He will tumble into voids, perhaps, and get sucked in by chasms, probably, he may even get buried alive, but he will find someway to escape and he will never give himself a reason to doubt.

Because he has a dream and he is the only one around to make sure it comes true.

And because once upon a time, Shikamaru had loved and once upon a time he had lost.

A/N: Shikamaru in a position of leadership has always given me something to write about because the idea itself has so much potential. If only he had received more attention in canon, I'm pretty sure he would have managed to surpass the best of the best.

All feedback is appreciated.