Possession

summary: [post season 3, pre season 4] Iris mourned Barry's, his absence the heaviest thing she'd ever had to carry. It wasn't that Iris missed Barry, it was that Barry was missing from her. She knew he was gone, but that didn't stop her from hearing his voice in the wind and seeing shadows that reminded her of how it was and how they loved.

genre: Romance, Angst

rated: T

authors note: title inspiration and lyrics are from "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide

Voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time

The night is my companion, and solitude my guide

Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?

Time. They'd spent more time with each other in their lives than most people do; growing up together, best friends, lovers. She had always been his, despite how long it had taken to realize it herself. Distracted by the sense of home and family she felt when she thought of him, it took her awhile to recognize that her love for him went so much deeper than that. She had known him practically her whole life, almost looking at that face every day. It had been frightening and thrilling that all of a sudden she saw him the way he always saw her, that in a moment she had fallen in the kind of love that a lifetime wasn't enough to spend together.

He was her soulmate in every sense of the word, always had been. Barry had always been there, a quiet and peaceful presence in her life until suddenly she fell for him and like a bolt of lightning, changed her reality. Suddenly questions she'd never thought to ask had been answered when she recognized how much love she actually possessed for him. Much of their life remained the same because they had always been best friends, had always had that person to come home to. Deep down Iris knew that through all their fun, what she and Barry had was special and rare. Becoming lovers made everything clearer because now she could understand that behind the true friendship was a love rooted in trust and ignited in passion. They'd always loved each other. The only difference between then and now was how they loved.

When they were friends, Barry would leave messages in her notebooks, little things to make her smile during the school day when they weren't together, a funny quip or an inside joke scribbled in the margins when she'd open them in the classrooms. When they were lovers, he left flowers on the nightstand when he couldn't be there when she woke up, fresh coffee always made waiting for her downstairs.

When they were friends, Iris would hold him while he cried, when the pain of his loss was too much, his head in her lap or on her shoulder. When they were lovers, she held him even tighter, his head to her chest or nestled against her neck.

When they were friends, they had late night chats and ice cream sundaes at 3am. When they were lovers, they did that too.

When they were friends, Barry would tell her she looked nice or great when asked. When they were lovers, Barry would tell her she was beautiful when she didn't ask.

But despite all their time spent with each other, it felt like the time apart stretched on in infinite space. Those nine months Barry had been in the coma she ached for her friend, for the man she knew better than any one, the person who knew her so completely. For nine months she watched her father lose hope that the boy he came to love like a son would ever wake up. For nine months she sat by his bedside hoping one day his eyes would open and tell her to stop talking because he was trying to sleep, just like he would when she'd sneak into his room when they were teens to talk about school gossip. Even with the distraction of a new romance with a good man, Iris had spent those nine months pining for Barry's presence in her life more than anything.

And now, after two months since Barry had walked into the Speed Force to save them all, the time once again stretched and felt longer than any of there time together. But this was worse than the coma. She couldn't look at his face, couldn't hold his hand, brush stray hair as he slept, watch his chest rise and fall with each breath that proved to her he was still alive. He wasn't dead, she knew that. But he was still gone.

She sat in the cortex, Kid Flash and Vibe out protecting Central City in his absence. When Cisco wasn't helping Wally keep Central City safe, he was working with Tracy and Harry to come up with a way to free Barry from the Speed Force prison without destabilizing it like they had when they rescued Jay. She spent as much time as she could, supporting them, aiding them in both endeavors. But that meant she spent a lot of time alone in the cortex, her thoughts always drifting as she stared at the Flash suit, Barry's suit, still displayed in the alcove proudly. He was still with him even when he wasn't. She couldn't help but let her mind wander as she sat there, memories flooding her, praying she'd get the chance to make more with him.

Her right hand absently fiddled with the ring on her left hand as she often did when he was on her mind. She was keeping the promise to him, to keep living her life. She was still working hard at CCPN, had stepped into a leader role for Team Flash, spending as much time with Wally and her father as she could. But she ached for Barry, hands fiddling with the ring every time she thought of him which was almost all the time.

What she would give to just lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. What she would give to feel him smiling in the middle of their kiss as he often did, to have those moments when he would roll over, put his arm around her and pull her closer in his sleep. If nothing else she wanted to hug him and hold him close because his arms had always meant home and this grief felt like being homesick. That yearning feeling of wholeness that only home provides.

Lost in thought she was startled when she heard her name. Barely a whisper, too quiet to come from Cisco or Wally's comms. Turning in the chair to look over her shoulder at the entrance confirmed she was alone.

But she heard her name whisper soft again, and she knew the voice. His voice played on repeat in her head, desperate to hold on to the sound forever. But it couldn't be him. He was gone and she was alone with nothing more than her thoughts, all the time in the world, and that homesick feeling.