AUTHOR'S NOTE : So this idea came to me thanks to part of an Impractical Jokers challenge where Sal has to try and recruit a random person in the mall into his cult. As it's set in Belfast for the sea trials, Murdoch and Lightoller are still in their original positions with Blair in second officer position. Just a bit of silly fun, I hope you enjoy!

THE CULT

Joseph Boxhall stood at Titanic's bridge holding a cup of Horlicks as he looked around. He had arrived from Liverpool to Belfast where Titanic was currently docked before her maiden voyage not too long ago. The sky was clear and the March sun was shining on the city. It was a beautiful day for sea trials. And a beautiful day for recruiting new followers.

One week prior to leaving for Belfast, Joseph was in his local pub with his longtime friend Mark. It was there, after copious amounts of ale, that Mark had convinced the officer to join a new movement with whom he had already joined. What followed was an effective brainwashing by several members of the movement and now Joseph was tasked with spreading the word and recruiting new members. He knew that the consequences of failure would not be pretty.

As soon as he heard footsteps approach from behind he spun around to see Davy Blair emerge looking somewhat tired. With a chuckle he asked, "Rough night?"

"It always takes me a few days to adjust to a new bed," His colleague responded. "Is that Horlicks I smell?"

"Yes it is," Joseph nodded while drinking another mouthful. "It's all I drink nowadays."

"Heavens, why?" Davy wondered as he detested the drink himself.

"The route to happiness must be followed vigorously. I can help you find that happiness, Davy. We can all find that happiness if we follow the commands of the High Haty-a."

Davy looked at him for a moment in startled silence. He then walked away muttering, "I must still be dreaming."

"You won't find your happiness that way!" He shouted down the deck before finishing his drink. "Bollocks, I need to try someone else."

As luck would have it, he found Herbert Pitman sitting with a cup of tea in the mess hall when he went to return his dirty cup. Perhaps Herb holds reason in his moustache, he thought to himself as he sat himself down right next to his colleague.

"Morning," Herbert said politely as he stirred his tea for the tenth time.

"You look like you could do with some happiness in your life," Joseph began as he gently touched Herbert's shoulder. "I can give it to you."

"I don't do intercourse with men!" He scoffed.

Wide-eyed and taken aback, Joseph swiftly took his hand away from the third officer's shoulder. "You misunderstand, Herb."

"I'm quite happy as I am, thank you."

He got to his feet and groaned loudly. Without so much as another word he left the mess hall. With work to be done he wondered if working alongside another officer would give him the time to bring someone over to the movement. It was always a chance worth taking in his mind.

Later on that day during a quick break, he managed to corner Harold Lowe with whom he had been working with earlier. I hope he's easier to convince than the other two, he thought. I don't want this to be like pulling teeth.

"You alright Joe?" Harold asked him. "Davy said you were acting strange this morning."

"I'm absolutely fine," Joseph told him. "In fact, I'm more than fine. I've made some changes in my life which is making me happier than I've ever been. Would you like to know the secret?"

"It's not hiring a prostitute is it? I have a fiancée."

He groaned, "Why does everyone assume it has to do with the act of intercourse? It's all about making simple lifestyle changes and meeting with other like-minded folks."

"That's it?" Harold asked. "That seems easy."

Joseph nodded hurriedly and explained, "My friend Mark told me last week. He brought me before some others and I was soon following their ways. Trust me, it'll make you a lot happier too."

"And of my fiancée?"

"It'll make her happier too! Hell, let your whole family join in!"

Harold thought for a moment as he edged away. Perhaps Joe was onto something here … or he could be completely bonkers. It was hard to think with his colleague staring at him intently. "Tell me more, and I'll consider it."

"Splendid! Let's get some Horlicks and I'll tell you about it before we get back to work!"

On his way back to his cabin that night, Harold bumped into James Moody in the corridor in the Officers Quarters. "Jim, I have the most wonderful proposition for you."

"Are you swapping cabins with me?" The most junior officer asked wryly.

He thought for a moment. "If that's what it takes … then yes."

James raised an eyebrow and asked, "If that's what it takes for what?"

"For you to embrace the commands of the High Haty-a and look forward to a lifetime of supreme happiness!" Harold declared in an extravagant manner.

"A bath would make me happy," His colleague insisted. "And what is the High Haty-a?"

"Not what. Who," The Welshman corrected somewhat indignantly. "Joe told me all about him. He's teaching others to follow his commands so that they too are rewarded with happiness. All you have to do is make some lifestyle changes and –"

"This is a cult."

"it's not a cult, it's a new way of life!"

"It's a cult."

"No it's not!"

"Harry you've been brainwashed by a bloody cult!" James remarked as he turned to walk away. "You and Joe need to seek help immediately!"

"It's not a cult!" Harold shouted back to be met with the sound of a cabin door slamming shut. "Well, I made an arse of that …"

He walked back towards the bridge where he found Harold Bride inspecting the ship's wheel and spinning it absent-mindedly. "What are you up to Sparks?"

"I never get to turn the wheel," He commented. "Were you shouting at Mister Moody?"

"You heard?"

"It's really quiet," Bride told him. "Voices carry in the wind. I could hear Mister Lightoller tell Mister Perkis a rather crude joke earlier. Their laughter seemed to echo around me."

Harold slowly nodded and asked, "Don't you want to know what we were shouting about?"

"I assumed that you were going to tell me anyway. Am I right, Mister Lowe?"

"Why don't we get some Horlicks and talk?"

William Murdoch was inspecting the navigation room when Joseph and Bride burst into the room. He turned to look at them with some confusion. "Can I help you gentlemen?"

Joseph lifted the cup in his hand and went to hand it over to his superior. "Horlicks?"

"Nah, don't touch the stuff. Is that all you came in for?"

Bride grinned and grabbed one of the chairs before dragging it along the floor and presenting it to William. "Please sit down Mister Murdoch."

He groaned and somewhat reluctantly did so. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!"

William shook his head, "I don't believe you. The two of you barge in here and bribe me with Horlicks – which, by the way, is the worst way to bribe anyone ever – and fetch me a seat. Something is going on."

"Supreme happiness," Joseph announced as he leaned against the desk.

"What the hell have you been smoking?" William questioned as he rose to his feet.

"Join us," Bride said as he pushed him back down into the chair. "For a happy future and a better world. Humphrey has shown me the ways of the High Haty-a."

"Who the fuck is Humphrey?!"

Joseph raised his hand, "I am Humphrey. When I joined, I was renamed as we all are. You will have your own naming ceremony too. Harold won't need one. His name already begins with 'H'."

"Get out," William ordered as he rose to his feet and quickly leapt from Bride who was determined to make him sit back down again. "You don't just barge in here and spew that kind of shite to your Chief Officer!"

"It's not shite, it is a movement," Joseph retorted.

Bride nodded enthusiastically and added, "It's a better way of life. Won't you join us?"

"Just get out of my sight!"

Joseph groaned and stood upright. "Come Harold," He said to Bride as he strode for the door. "Mister Murdoch refuses to believe."

"I believe in my shoe going up your arse if you try that again!" William barked before the door closed behind the two of them. He stared at a map for a brief minute before shaking his head and rubbing his temple in exasperation. I'll ask Lights later if he knows about this …

It was late that night when William knocked on the cabin door of Charles Lightoller. He waited patiently as he heard shuffling coming from inside the room and what clearly sounded like his colleague stubbing his toe by accident. "Let me in," He demanded before the door was open even an inch.

Charles was helpless as William barged past him. "Good evening to you too," He muttered as he shut the door. "Where's the fire?"

"Something isn't right."

"With the ship?"

"No, with Joe and Sparks," William said as he hovered by the bed. "It was odd. They barged into the navigation room when I was in there and –"

"Hmm, I wonder what that feels like," Charles remarked sarcastically as he pulled his coat on over his pyjamas.

"Oh hah bloody hah. This is serious."

"I'm listening!"

"Right," William nodded. "Well, they barged in, made me sit down, and then offered me Horlicks."

Charles stared at him incredulously. "You're worried because they offered you a cup of Horlicks?"

"It's what they said!"

"Well tell me then," He groaned as he sat on his bed. "And this better be good to get me out of my bed."

"Christ, you're like an old man," William commented. "Right, so Joe said the words supreme happiness to me. And better world. Apparently he goes by the name Humphrey now and Sparks won't have a name change because his name already begins with 'H'."

Charles gasped, "That's that mad cult that gentleman in the pub tried to get me to join last year! Do you not remember me telling you about it?"

Murdoch racked his brains as he tried to think about the conversations he had last year. "Vaguely …"

"Well, there's some sort of person in charge called the High Hat. I don't know why. They're all obsessed with the letter 'H' as well. I don't know why either but –"

"Aren't you a fountain of knowledge?"

Charles scowled and hit William's arm. "This isn't funny. They can only eat or drink things that begin with 'H'. That'll be why they were trying to give you Horlicks. And if your name doesn't start with 'H' then you'll be renamed in some sort of ceremony. It sounds like Joe has already been put through that. In any case, we need to stop this before this spreads. We have time before we depart for Southampton and the rest of the crew board."

"How do we stop it though?" William asked him. "Do we tie them up and slap them until they come to their senses?"

"We could waterboard them," Charles said with a hint of an evil grin on his face. "I'm sure they'll be cured pretty damn quickly."

"They're not criminals! No … what we need is an intervention."

Everything was ready the next morning. The plan was to lure Joseph and Bride into the mess hall where Charles and William were waiting to tie them to the chairs with ropes. Davy would be the one to bring the brainwashed crew to them under the pretence that he had reconsidered and would like to discuss the movement further in the mess hall. It was deceptively simple but still had the potential for a lot to go wrong with it.

"I wish Davy would bloody hurry up," Charles grumbled as he sulked in the corner. "I haven't had my breakfast yet."

William rolled his eyes at his complaining. "Unless you want a lifetime of eating ham and honey then I suggest you help get this over with quickly. Then you can have any breakfast you desire."

"You're not allowed honey it's sacred."

"I don't want to hear any more," He said as he raised his hand to keep his colleague silent. "I think that's them approaching. Get in position."

Charles stood upright and walked a couple of steps forward. "Right," he said affirmatively as he hid a length of rope behind his back. "Ready."

It was a rapid capture that followed. Davy led Joseph and Bride into the mess hall before practically flying back outside and holding the door shut to ensure no escape. William and Charles worked quickly to get the men tied down to the chairs although there was a lot of kicking and swearing during the process.

"We've got them!" William shouted through the door to the second officer. "Remember! You're in charge for now!"

"Yes sir!" Davy shouted back before his footsteps could be heard disappearing down the deck.

"What are you doing?!" Bride exclaimed as he rocked from side to side in his chair in an attempt to free himself. "I thought you wanted to talk about this!"

"Oh we do," Charles said as he loomed above the Marconi operator.

"Then why tie us to a chair?" Joseph asked while trying to wriggle himself free.

William stood in front of him and leaned in close, "Because it's the only way you two will listen to us."

"And you won't be freed until you agree to stop recruiting members for this cult," Charles chimed in. "Also," he continued as he grabbed two jugs of water. "You both need to agree to leave whatever cult this is and go back to your normal lives."

Bride could only ask, "What's the water for?"

"I'll show you," He smirked as he threw the contents in his face.

Bride gasped in shock as he felt the force of the cold water all over his face. "What the hell was that for?!"

"Don't worry Joe's getting it too," William said as he watched Charles to do the same to Joseph. "Now, feel any differently about this cult yet?"

"I feel differently about you," Joseph frowned as he shivered. "You won't even listen to us."

"This could go on for hours," William muttered to Charles. "We need to ramp it up a little."

"Right I'll get boiling water!"

"No! Don't scald us!" Bride wailed as he moved around as wildly in the chair as he was able to. "Please Mister Lightoller!"

William slapped Charles over the head and grabbed the empty jugs from him. "Don't you bloody dare you twisted bastard! We're intervening not injuring!"

Both Joseph and Bride let out sighs of relief. They were glad that their chief was there. Had Lightoller been running the show it could have descended into torture.

"I was trying to scare them back to their senses!" Charles hissed.

"Well all you did was scare them!"

"Because you need to use extreme measures to break brainwashed people! Did you not read that novel I gave you a few years ago?"

Joseph cleared his throat and the two of them immediately quietened down and looked to him. "My friend Mark, well I suppose his name is Hector now, is the one who introduced me to the movement. It was last week in the pub and I had my naming ceremony two days later."

"Were you drunk at the time?" Will quizzed as he crossed his arms.

"Yes," He confessed in a small voice. "Before I realised what was happening, I was brought before the High Haty-a. So I was trapped in a room with these fanatics." With a heavy sigh he admitted, "I was only trying to recruit everyone because I was warned that I would be punished if I didn't."

"Punished?" Bride asked him as he still wrestled with the ropes. "So there is no great movement?"

Joseph shook his head, "There is. I just fancied keeping my testicles attached to my body."

The three others grimaced at the mere thought, with William instinctively cupping his groin. It started to make sense to them the second they realised that part of the family jewels could be under threat. None of them wanted that.

"What happens if we make you leave?" Charles asked Joseph.

"It has never been done before," He responded quietly. "No man has ever risked the punishment."

"Well risk it," William instructed while moving his hands from his groin. "I'm not having any of this nonsense. Not while I'm Chief Officer."

"Then what does he do when he gets back to England?" Bride asked in a worried tone. "I don't want to see him castrated."

"None of us do," Charles assured him. "That won't happen, we'll make sure of it."

Joseph slowly nodded and accepted what his superiors were saying. "I'll stop trying to recruit the crew. And you'll let us both go?"

"We will as long as you promise to stop this nonsense and stay clear of any more cults," William said as he stood behind him to untie him. "Is that clear?"

"Yes sir," Joseph and Bride replied in unison.

"Now," Charles began as he started untying Bride, "Who's for breakfast and tea?"

"Well that was a job well done," William said to Charles as they strolled down the boat deck together afterwards. "Never in my career at sea have I ever had to stage an intervention like that before."

"Neither have I," Charles chuckled as he pat his full belly. "But bloody hell that breakfast was delicious."

"Because you were starving!"

He shrugged before laughing, "Maybe."

"Good morning Mister Lowe, Mister Rowe," William greeted the fifth officer and the quartermaster politely. He walked on by them with Charles as the two of them continued to talk, oblivious to everything else around them.

"You going to recruit those two?" Rowe asked Harold as they watched the two officers walk further down the boat deck.

Harold scoffed, "Are you kidding?! I haven't got a hope in hell of trying to get those two to join the movement! Now, let's go get some Horlicks shall we?"