SI Seeking Straw Hat

Summary: Step One- get dropped into One Piece. Step Two- join the Straw Hats. Step Three- profit! "Seems pretty simple, since literally every Self Insert does it. I mean, just how hard could it possibly be?" (Self Insert/SI)

Chapter 1: A Simple Question

AN- here I am once again, beginning yet another Self Insert story. This is my second foray into the world of One Piece, and I like to think that this first run at it has given me some experience in the matter. So, it is my hope that I'm able to evade the common pitfalls I made the first time round. Put it this way- I began writing One Piece Self Insertion before This Bites, and now it seems I'm writing it after too- and that fanfics influence on the genre is clear. This is ultimately my answer to the common trends seen in OP SI fics- this is NOT the average OP Self Insert story, and I hope you enjoy the ride…

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This wonderful world and setting belongs to Oda, and I am merely a humble tourist passing through, bumbling around like a cultural buffoon.

"If there is one thing as a writer that I know when I see it, it's a cliché. And if anything qualifies for that, then it's this." I glared at the person sat across the table from me.

"What's wrong with this?" He asked honestly.

"Well, for one thing, the entire set up for this stinks. Firstly, I'm sent a stupidly suspicious and specific email which basically screams Call to Adventure."

I was certain that beneath his unnecessary sunglasses, the 'man' was raising an eyebrow. "Was it not intriguing? You opened it after all."

"No, it wasn't. I just get irritated when my inbox hasn't been fully cleared. That one unopened email pisses me off, y'know? Despite how dumb your header was, I only really opened it to get it out the way."

"Now you're just being mean."

"It read, and let me quote it directly, 'Lonely ROB Seeks Helpless SI'."

Now said lonely ROB leant back in his chair and accepted my answer with a vague handwave "Okay, I admit that I could have been more original. But this is exactly what it says on the tin. Why pretend it's anything else?"

It took immense willpower, but I managed to avoid not pressing the issue. As a fanfic writer and reader, seeing dumb cliché's and unmotivated beginnings always bothered me- so it was really hard not to lay into him. Still, I could have rattled off a hell of a lot of other things to nitpick him on anyway. Stereotypical 'suspicious email' was the least of his sins.

I mean really? My screen sucking me up literally as soon as I read the message and not even giving me a choice whether to accept it? A blank, featureless void for us to have our conversation in? And finally, the biggest sin of all, did he have to take the appearance of Morpheus from the Matrix?

"He isn't even trying to get the characterisation right either." I huffed, crossing my arms. "And I'm pretty sure Matrix parodies went out of fashion before the Matrix was even released."

"You're thinking negative thoughts, aren't you?" The dark skinned, bald man chided me, waggling his finger at me.

One, his portrayal of Morpheus was seriously out of character. Two, what could possibly have given him the idea that I was displeased by his display of shameless internet pandering?

"I mean really, it almost sounds like you don't want to be here." ROB announced.

"What gave that away?" I drawled sarcastically. "Maybe the fact that I didn't actually accept doing this to begin with? Maybe the fact that you've pulled me here in such an uncreative manner which means that this adventure is going to suck."

"Oh poppycock!" He waved my complaint away. "Every fanboy wants to enter their favourite fandom. Are you really telling me that you don't want to go on an adventure in the wonderful world of One Piece?"

I hesitated. Technically the correct answer should be 'hell no! Screw this guy's, I'm going home!'. I'm far too genre savvy to assume that life in a fictional setting is a good thing. Its far more dangerous for one thing, as in the real world there is very little to directly harm me, while in One Piece every third person is tough enough to crush my head like an egg.

Even in the best case scenario of ending up like Jerimiah Cross from This Bites (Namely being a competent and awesome dude despite being technically being a normal Earth human), I could still end up horribly maimed or cause the plot to go to hell. Even if I could be like good ol' Cross, I'm not him. In the worst-case scenario, I get enslaved by a World Noble or get murdered by the first murderous Pirate I encounter.

So I should desire nothing more than to wake up with this encounter being nothing more than a dream…

… but, I'm a writer. And ROB isn't wrong in saying that every fanboy wants to be a Self Insert, even if only a little. And One Piece is a beautiful world to end up in, despite the danger. I think that despite everything, even if I knew this would happen up front, I'd still probably choose it. Now if only I'd had a different ROB…

"Hey! I'm great!"

"Wait, did you just respond to a mental comment? Can you read my mind?"

ROB gave me a 'no shit' look. "Well duh. I'm a ROB. Of course I can read your mind."

… very true. If he's got the nigh omnipotent powers necessary to be a ROB in the first place and set this up, then obviously mind reading isn't too difficult an accomplishment by comparison.

"Anyway, moving on. Since I've read your mind and already know the answer, I guess we can skip the whole blue pill and red pill thing then." With a shrug, he removed a pill case from his badass leather long coat and threw it over shoulder and behind him, where it rolled away and was promptly lost to the void.

"Well, if I'm here for the long haul, then I suppose we should get right to it." I shuffled around in my seat nervously. It was utterly mad- this was really happening. A ROB was really going to send me to One Piece. But the question was, just what kinda ROB was he? Was I going to suffer for my decision? Would my adventure become more Nine Minutes than This Bites?

And just what would happen to me? Reincarnation, dropped straight in, or body jacking?

"The middle one. You're going there with your own body as opposed to taking a native's." ROB answered. "Now, please sign this waver to indicate that I have no responsibility for whatever state you end up in, that this of your own free will and your own accord, and blah blah blah. All that good stuff."

In the blink of an eye an official looking contract with writing far too small for me to read easily appeared on the table before me, with a cheap biro next to it. "Hang on a sec- if Madoka has taught me anything, it's to not go signing no contract without checking the fine print."

"Go ahead." He smiled widely. Suspicious, I leaned in. The writing seemed to get smaller and smaller as I read, and literally all I could make out by the fifth line was random legal mumbo jumbo interspaced with what looked to be Latin.

"Why oh why do I feel like I'm going to regret this?"

"Because of course you will. There's always a catch!" His smile became trollish. "And I am a ROB."

"Also, stop reading my mind. Its creepy and is an invasion of my privacy."

"Cooommmeee ooonnnn Sam. Wanna make a contract with me?"

He had to have made that reference deliberately, and he had to have known that making it would only cause my paranoia to sky rocket.

"The question now is what the catch is." He rolled the pen towards me with one finger. "However, there really is no choice at this point whether you sign or not. Just take solace in the fact that I wouldn't need you to sign anything to begin with if I really wanted your soul or something like that. This is more a symbolic gesture, if anything."

Second passed, and the contract sat their unsigned. I knew this was a bad idea but…

I signed anyway. Because the ROB would find a way to get entertainment from me, and its best to provide it before he forces me to do it.

"Good choice." He rolled up the contract, then stuffed it in his coat. "Anyway, don't despair! I don't intend to do a This Bites and drop you in there with only your pathetic self to entertain me- been there, read that, got the merchandise. Hey, you ever heard of Jumpchain?"

"Yes." Interesting idea in premise, being a Multiverse hopping story generation idea using a point based system to 'purchase' perks, but was terrible in execution from an actual storytelling standpoint.

"Welp, this is like that. You can 'buy' perks from me before I toss you in there, so it's not like you'll be entering One Piece unprepared."

A loud sigh escaped my lips, and I slumped into my chair. This was a relief in many ways. Being a normal person in One Piece is typically a Bad Idea, so it was quite comforting to be able to have something to fall back on.

"So, what can I buy then? Is there a list?"

"No list. I'm a ROB- you can have anything." He told me, waving his hands in front of him in an exaggeratory fashion.

"Anything?" Alarm bells. Alarm bells everywhere. "So, what? I could get a... a random Devil Fruit?"

"Yup."

"And a body that obeys One Piece physics and is actually in a good physical condition?"

"Not hard to accomplish."

"Hell, could I get a dumb 'D' in my name somewhere, because every other freakin' Self Insert seems to get one?"

"Fuck it. Why the hell not?" He shrugged. "You can have it. All that and more…"

Ideas rolled through my mind. Builds, ideas, discussions and memories. How many Spacebattles forum posts had prepared me for this? How many stories of this sort had I read? And how many broken builds could I already imagine when there were literally no limits as to what I could ask for…

"What's stopping me becoming a Gary Stu?"

"Well, you only get THREE things." He announced, raising three fingers on his left hand to illustrate his point. "Next, there's the fact that if you game the system then I will game you." He ridged his fingers and slid into the Gendo Ikari position of masking his face darkly with his palms. "Hell on earth, my friend. Hell. On. Earth."

I gulped. "Okay. No breaking the universe. Got it. So, just how do I pick what I want?"

"Oh- don't worry about that!" within a moment his serious demeanour was gone, and he was back to his silly old self. "Your choices have already been made."

"WHAT!?" I yelled, rising to my feet, and slamming my palms down upon the table. "When!?"

"Like, a minute ago."

"What, back when I was giving those examples?"

"Yup. Sorry, gotta take your first answer." He shook his head as if sad.

"Bullshit." I growled. "That rule only applies to quiz shows! Besides which, I was hardly answering so much as I was inquiring."

"Meh." He himself rose to his feet and tucked his chair neatly in. "Well, if you want I can always say 'fuck it' and give you nothing instead."

I paled. Nothing was worse than having nothing.

"There you go. Be grateful you even got three things from me. If anything, you're more than ready. Monkey D Luffy didn't need no stinkin' handouts. He set off to sail with nothing but his heritage and mysterious 'D' thing, a Devil Fruit power and a physically ridiculous body. Actually, scratch that. Luffy set off with quite a bit on his side." He coughed, as if to bring himself back on track. "Point being is that you've got exactly the same advantages as him. Mystical heritage, Devil Fruit power and competent body."

"Fine." I suppose that I could deal with this outcome. I guess it all came down to what power I ended up getting. "Anything else we need to do?"

"Well, there's the cost of your powers to consider, but let's not worry about it."

"Wait, there's a cost?"

"Of course there is!" He declared happily. "In Worm you pay for superpowers with trauma (Or lots of money) and in Jumpchain you pay with imaginary numbers. Well, here you just pay a certain toll to me for the sake of entertaining me, and then we call it quits."

Shit, shit, shit. "Let me guess, the bigger the power, the higher the cost?"

The only answer he gave was a shit eating smile. It was all I needed.

"Well fuck."

"Don't worry. Your requests lead to nothing life threatening. Embarrassing, maybe. But it's not I'm making you pay in blood or spirit."

"Well, what's the cost then?"

He opened his mouth to reply, only to clamp it shut instead. His expression warped to that of one of amusement. "Actually, I think I'll leave that as a mystery for now. More fun that way."

"Great." I rolled my eyes. "Anything you can tell me?"

"Well, for everything you gain, you'll lose something in return."

"Anything that's actually useful?" Because would it kill for the omnipotent power to give anything but cryptic bullshit for answers?

"You will dearly miss that which you have lost." The ROB warned darkly.

"Great. Is it too late to go for the 'Badass Normal' package?"

He made a big cross sign with his arms. "Yup. Limited time offer, and your warranty has expired."

"I had warranty? And it's gone already?"

"Shoulda checked the fine print." The ROB smirked as my eyebrow struggled to remain level with the rest of my face. Because he should damn well know that I couldn't read the contract's fine print due to him.

"I hate you already." I drawled.

"I don't care if you hate me or not. I just want something mildly amusing to watch."

Hang on, just 'mildly amusing'? I thought ROB's always wanted entertainment?

"Yes, we do, but I don't exactly have high standards for you. Not everyone can be a Cross."

I was seriously getting tired of being reminded of how much cooler a protagonist Jerimiah Cross was than me. Wait- was I considering myself a protagonist? I know the saying that "Everyone is the hero of their own stories" but just because I'm in a situation remarkably like that of a fictional one told a dozen times doesn't necessarily mean I should legitimately start assuming that I'm literally a Protagonist. Because that way leads existential crises, because it's impossible to prove one way or another if you are nothing but the entertainment of another.

"Sam, chill the fuck out. Even I have no idea if this is a fanfic or not, and I probably don't want to know." Announced the ROB sadly. "Keep your head in the game. There's always a Bigger Fish, and sometimes it's best not to think too much about just how many conceptual levels are above you, and just where you may or may not stand in the grand scale of the multiverse."

"Umm… that's actually some pretty decent advice."

"Yeah." He nodded, smiling quite cheerfully. "It's better to just ignore the issue and take out your existential identity crisis on entities far less able to affect you."

"… Great. My adventure starts with an incompetent ROB lecturing me on the mind crushing understanding of my insignificant place in the multiverse, and ends with the fact that said ROB is also so low on the food chain he can't even give me any clear answers anyway. Now, isn't this going to be fun."

"There is no need for that sarcasm." With a roll of his eyes he pulled out a second pill case. "So, you got anything else to ask me as this will be the last time we ever speak, or can I give you your medicine yet?"

"Hang on, I thought you tossed them?"

"Nah- only the blue pills. These bad boys are red." And with that, he took the top off and emptied a single pill into his palm, before presenting it to me. "Now, are you ready to begin?"

I merely sighed. "Fuck it." I had nothing else to say really, and was more anxious if anything. The sooner I took it, the sooner I could find out what my 'cost' was. After that, I'd need to figure out a game plan.

With nothing else to ask, I took the pill and tossed it into my mouth, and then I swallowed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Thus, keeping with the theme of 'incompetent ROB', once I ate the pill he didn't even have the common decency to bring me into the adventure gently, by letting me fall unconscious before dumping me in the world of One Piece.

No. Rather than this quite simple idea, the ROB merely waited for me to finish swallowing the pill and then gave me a cheery shrug and a massive shove. I had the brief sight of a portal of some kind opening behind me, then I toppled backwards through it.

Now, in any other story the portal would lead directly to the world and I could promptly forget the involvement of the ROB and just get on with my life.

Instead, I was in a tunnel. My journey wasn't an instantaneous one, and I would apparently have to endure this trip before arriving.

The question then for me was why this tunnel had to be the Scary Tunnel from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That is not hyperbole. I was floating through a literal tunnel showing me trippy images of scary things like snakes slithering through a skull, a severed arm growing from an open stomach and…

Well, you get the gist.

Suffice to say, it was wholly unnecessary, and even if the journey was necessary it would have probably taken less effort on the ROB's part to just leave me in the darkness with some elevator music, or perhaps a crossword puzzle and a pen. I was 98 percent sure that the Incompetent ROB was only making me go through this experience just to screw with me further, as this would be one of his few chances to directly mess with me as opposed to indirectly.

Now if only the Scary Tunnel could just end already. It had been going on for five minutes or so now, and I'd sort of become desensitised to it. I mean, once I'd had my crippling fear of spiders turned into a blunt bludgeoning tool of fear against me, what scarier a sight could it show me? Trump as President, perhaps?

Oh wait- its already happened. Shots fired.

"I'm bored." I said aloud. "Seriously ROB, you can't be finding this interesting. I'm literally sitting about watching the drug induced hallucinations of a ten-year-old sociopath that thinks edgy skullz are cool. You can't be finding this amusing."

There was no response.

"Can I at least get some in-flight entertainment?"

An open book suddenly appeared in front of me and slammed into my face. Not the preferred manner I wanted it, but it was something new at least. "Thanks?" I said hesitantly. Then I pulled it from my face and all my thanks evaporated like a teaspoon full of water left in the Sahara. For one thing, I was still in the Scary Tunnel, so the lighting was hardly conductive for good reading. Secondly, it was a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.

"I take that back. Screw you Incompetent ROB!" No reply came. "Screw it. I hate having to refer to you as 'that ROB' or whatever. Your name is now IROB. Because that's what you are. You're a jerk, a literal Incompetent Random Omnipotent Being. Yes, it sounds dumb, but fuck you, I'm talking to myself."

At this I shut my eyes, opened the book and drooped it over my face, effectively blocking out the visual elements of the Scary Tunnel. IROB was bound to get bored eventually, right?

XXXXXXXXXX

He got bored eventually. Like, twelve minutes later bored.

I hope the sight of me catching some Z's in his Spooky Tunnel was the most boring seventeen minutes of his immortal life.

Either way, a portal finally manifested before me, and I shot straight through.

In a flash of light, the Scary Tunnel was gone. I blinked thrice to remove the spots from my eye, then realised I was still moving forwards.

No, not moving. Falling. My perspective had been off. I'd been plummeting down the Rabbit Hole the entire time, and now that I was in the One Piece world I was still falling.

And from my perspective, I could quite clearly see that I was rapidly approaching a large body of water.

"Screw you IRO-"

Then I hit the water, could speak no longer, and rapidly sunk. Salt water flooded into my open mouth as my mouth slammed shut.

"I'm sinking. Shit! I'm sinking! I asked for Devil Fruit Powers, and now I'm sinking!"

I struggled, and I thrashed, and then I broke the surface and realised I was being a dumbass. I spat out water and laughed, my voice and throat feeling funny because I had almost swallowed a bunch of water. "I struggled. If I really had eaten a Devil Fruit then I wouldn't have been able to move at all. Plus, I would have remembered eating something earlier, since IROB didn't knock me out."

So yay- I'm not gonna sink like a hammer. Alas, despite this I could hardly claim to be an excellent swimmer. The last time I went to a pool was a few years back on an especially warm day.

"Find land, find land, find land." I chanted. Oh look- a beach barely fifty feet away. Go, go, IROB based convenience!

And thus I swam, and swam, and then finally crawled onto the beach. I continued to struggle forwards for a few more metres, until I dropped down to the warm sand with a happy groan. "Thank IROB for giving me a fit body. That could have been way more painful."

So, what now? I was on a random beach somewhere, garbed in my tightly clinging wet clothes, and now stuck in the fictional world of One Piece.

What now?

"First off, let's get these wet clothes off. Don't want to get hypothermia or something." I voiced aloud to myself. I stopped a moment though, only just now really stopping to pay attention to my voice properly now that I wasn't stranded in the sea.

I don't know why, but it seemed… higher pitched?

"Fuck it." I muttered. "Clothes now, worry later, blame IROB for everything later, later."

I started with my hoodie, shaping it into a ball and tossing it aside, then went for my T-shirt, gradually managing to tug it off. I had a lot more resistance in taking it off than expected, so I looked down.

I looked down some more, and then I stared. I stared intently, almost disbelievingly.

Because sitting right there, in my field of view, were a set of naked breasts. As in an actual set of bewbs. They weren't particularly large, being just two small mounds of flesh (only about a B-Cup, I guessed). I prodded one with my finger and noted that I felt the sensation. I felt it. Apparently, these breasts were my naked breasts.

"Oh shit. Please don't let this be what I think this is, please let this NOT be what I think it is…"

I prodded again, and winced. Because I'd read far too much shit on the internet to not recognise the sudden symptoms of Spontaneous Gender Bending. And considering how my 'patron' was an Incompetent ROB that seemed to love lazy tropes, what were my chances of actually having escaped this cliché?

"Little to none." I said quietly, only now recognising why I sounded higher pitched. "Little to none."

Only thing left to do was to check if it was gone too. One fumble later and I could tell that I had the entire 'working package' of the average female.

I, Samuel Clarke, had now become something more akin to I, Samantha D Clarke.

Yet despite this sudden understanding that yes, I had spontaneously changed gender at some point in that stupid Scary Tunnel without realising it, the full ramifications of this had yet to fully settle in.

I knew objectively that things would forever be different now, but all I could do was laugh. "So, 'for everything I gain, I'll lose something in return' eh? 'I will dearly miss that which I have lost'? Could you be any more tongue and cheek with this if you tried, you damn IROB! I think that yes, I damn well will miss that which I've lost!"

The only response was the repetitive sound of the waves crashing onto the beach, and the occasional squawk of the seagulls above.

"I didn't ask for, for… well, this." I gestured down to my body which I could barely look at now due to sheer embarrassment.

Speaking of which. "Shit. Still naked." And as a girl, in a world like this filled with a huge roster of ne'er-do-weller's and villainous pirates, laying around topless was badbadbadbad. I fumbled to my side to collect my soggy hoodie, and slipped it back on.

I was colder and wetter now, but also decent.

So now I was a colder, wet, genderbent Self Insert… a statement I could never have imagined myself thinking. My day kept getting worse and worse, with little to show for it. Speaking of which…

"Hey IROB!" I shouted at the sky. "We had a deal. Now cough up my mythical superpower granting fruit, you jackass!" Because if I was going to suffer the drawbacks, I at least deserved the benefits I'd been promised.

A fit and non-squishy body, a fancy pants 'D' to shove into my name, and finally a Devil Fruit.

At this point, I heard the familiar 'whoosh' of a portal opening, and then felt something hard strike me right in the forehead, at quite high speeds.

"OW THE PAIN!?" I cried, rolling backwards and forwards as I rubbed my now swelling forehead. "WHY IROB!? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!?"

There was reply, again, because why would there be?

"Screw it. Bite the bullet, eat the fruit, move on." Because I would never get anywhere if I stopped every five second to lament about how shitty my 'patron' was.

I took the acid green grapefruit now to one side of me, wiped the excess sand of it, and then took a massive bite… before spitting it out.

From here, I thought I could give an analogy about how terrible tasting a Devil Fruit is meant to be, and just how bad it really does taste. But I couldn't really put it in words. I couldn't talk about how revolting it was, because there were no words I could use to explain the horrific nature of the flavour. There was no possible way for me to describe just what condition my tastebuds were left in following the initial bite, because fundamentally, this was a fruit that could not be comprehended fully by mortal palette.

It was ash and it was blood. It was tangy and it was sour. There was zest and there was sweetness. My mouth burned like a thousand chillies had just been shoved into my gullet, yet a bitter sensation of lemon juice and battery oil trickled from the dry flesh of the chunk of fruit. A million scents and tastes clashed, blending together like liquid ooze left to rot and decompose, as one giant cacophony which came together in an orchestral piece of sharp nails and razor wire being driven into the part of my brain that's capable of recognising what all my senses were sensing.

So in short, what answer I could give would be nonsensical at best and meaningless at worst, as nobody can describe what the Devil tastes like. "This fruit tastes of shame, the colours brown and yellow, and the dark side of Deviant Art."

Still, it had to be done. I took a second bite, and somehow managed to swallow it.

There. It was done. I'd eaten it and would never consent to ever taste another. Now to wash out this taste of hell with something, anything!

I didn't even consider it. No second thoughts or hesitation. I leapt head first into the surf to gulp down the salty water of the ocean, uncaring of what it was save for that it would be wet and refreshingly cool, and forgetting the fact that I was now, y'know, a hammer.

I skidded into the shallow water, flinching immediately as I touched it, before the first wave hit me and stole the strength in my body, while my arms buckled beneath me. I moved to push myself away, but by this point my strength was gone, and then the next wave slammed into me and I could barely breathe.

And this was while I was on mostly dry land. I hadn't even been fully submerged yet. Hell, this water was shallow, barely a few inches thick, and yet it took everything I had in me to not dunk my open mouth into the deepest of the shallow and start drowning.

"I-is th-is how e-every Devil Fruit user f-f-feels?" I asked through clenched teeth and clenched body. Because if it was, then truly each and every Devil Fruit user had to be absolutely insane.

"Don't think so, miss." A voice called out. From the corner of my eye I could see an elderly man in a Hawaiian shirt and a… a fedora? "I must admit, I've met one or two Devil Fruit users in my lifetime, but I've never seen anyone suffer quite so badly from the seawater."

"H-how did you know I was a-"

"Because you've been shouting about it like a lunatic for the last five minutes, there is a swirly patterned grapefruit a few feet away with two bite marks in it, and you just asked if 'this was how every Devil Fruit user feels?'," the smile on his face was teasing, but I wasn't amused. I was sure that if I could move I'd be flailing about like a toddler in the bath.

"Th-then why am I so… so… affected?"

"No clue." He shrugged. "Still, it's not nice to leave a young lady like you to struggle in the shallows like that. My wife would send me to the sofa for a week if she found out I left you."

"L-less anecdotes, more saving!" I pleaded.

"You sure are a prickly girly, aren'tcha?"

"Sh-shut up, you jerk!" I snapped.

He laughed. "Yeah. My wife is going to love you." I heard his feet, then felt two strong hands pick me up. I expected him to be weak considering his age, but he was quite wiry. He moved a few feet back, and then gently placed me back onto the dry sand.

"Dry sand! I can move again!" I yelled, delighted, running my hands through it.

"Yes. Dry sand. Its new and novel and great." The old man said dryly. "Now, do you want to keep messing about down there until the tide comes in some more, or do you want to get up and head over to my house so my wife can actually get you some dry clothes?"

"… the latter please." Then, with as much dignity as I could muster, I got to my feet and looked expectantly to the man. He rolled his eyes, and began to walk. I followed.

XXXXXXXXXX

A five minute walk later, and we reached a nice little cottage overlooking the sea. The cottage itself was rather humble, with white painted walls and thatched roof. There was a wooden porch outside it, and sitting there in a rocking chair was a little old lady in a plain dress… but also another fedora.

"I guess both of them share the same taste in clothing," I noted.

"Oh, Horace, who's the wet rat?" the woman croaked.

"Who are you calling a wet rat?" I snapped.

"Verte, this is Cactus. I rescue her from drowning in the sea."

His wife frowned. "Oh my, that must have been an ordeal. Hang on- if she was drowning, how come you're bone dry?"

"Oh- she was drowning in the shallow end."

A beat, then the old hag began to cackle. "Kekikekike!"

"Its not funny!" I defended myself, crossing my arms stiffly. "I literally just ate a Devil Fruit. It was… kinda scary actually. If he hadn't found me I would have been stuck there until the tide came in, and then I would have died."

The luck of humour passed from her face. "Yes, that does sounds rather scary. Well, it's over now. You're fine, and safe, and all that. Now, come on in so I can go get you some of my daughters' old clothes, Cactus."

"What's with the dumb nickname anyway?" I demanded. "I do have a name."

"Which you haven't given out yet." Reminded Horace.

"So, for now you're Cactus. Because you're so prickly." Verte continued retorted.

"I am not prickly!" I argued, before realising that in doing so I was just reaffirming her claim. With a sigh, I shut up.

"Seriously, head on in." the old man, whom now I remembered was called Horace, insisted. "Hell, we even have a shower so you can clean yourself off too."

I headed past the pair, to the door, then stopped. I turned around, and told him "Thanks," in a very serious tone, because there really had been a big chance that I'd have died if he hadn't found me.

XXXXXXXXXX

I went into that bathroom knowing my shower would have to be quick- the quickest I'd ever had in my life- if only due to the awkwardness of having a new female body. Normally I love long, relaxing showers, often taking up half an hour of my day by standing under the high-pressure nozzle if I could. But today I just couldn't.

I removed my clothes (all of them), and dumped them into a pile by the shower cubicle, then just took a moment to look at my body. Every instinct inside me wanted to flinch and turn away (This wasn't my body- it couldn't be, it couldn't), but I'd never believed in denial. IROB offered me anything, and like it or not, I asked for a fit and One Piece level body, and IROB had delivered in the worst way possible, like any good Jerkass Genie would.

I forced myself to watch- to take in my full body, because I was going to have to live with it from now on. I couldn't deny it, or avert my eyes from the truth. Aesthetically, I'd lucked out. I wanted a fit body, and I had it, in both meanings. I was slim, my stomach lacked flab, and my arms and legs were that of a runner's, while my eyesight was probably better too (As I hadn't had the urge to fumble for my glasses since winding up here). I was pretty too, though it felt strange to check myself out in such a fashion. My face was well balanced, my skin soft and my hair shoulder length and of the same light brown shade as my male self. More than that, I had curves, and my only real flaw was that by all rights my chest lacked the bustiness of the average anime heroine.

It was undeniable. I was attractive. And it was weird knowing that. I felt like some sort of Mary Sue just sitting here while announcing how pretty and wonderful I was, because I was used to being a fairly normal 19-year-old male. So I couldn't exactly complain that I'd been cheated by IROB- objectively this new body was physically and aesthetically better than my old one. I just wish that I was still in the body that I had been born in.

Before my mind went places it would best not tread about myself, I jumped into the cubicle and turned on the nozzle. "Best get it out the way," I was ready to lose all my control like before, but luckily, either because this was running water or fresh water as opposed to sea water, I could control my body in the spray, even if I felt sluggish.

I kept body contact to a minimum, washed off the coldness of the sea as best I could, and then rushed for the towel. Luckily, they'd left me some new clothes outside the door, so I didn't have to go too far to find them.

"Now if only it wasn't a dress." I glared at the distasteful garment that had been offered (a long sundress, of a more tasteful green colour), but eventually practicality won over and I put the offending garment on. "Everybody gets one."

So theoretically I was ready to leave the bathroom now and go re-join civilisation, but I didn't exactly want to. I had no delusions that I'd be allowed to stay here for more than a night or two even if the couple was willing to do that- generosity for a stranger goes only so far. It might be best to come up with a plan of action for myself as soon as possible.

"Right then, a plan." I clapped my hands together, and sat down upon the closed toilet seat. "A plan…" but what though? That is the question…

"First off. I need to find out what my Devil Fruit was, since IROB didn't give me any hints. No point having it if I can't even gain any benefits from it. Then, I need to guarantee my security. After that I worry about keeping the IROB happy so he doesn't drop rocks on me or cause the apocalypse purely to keep himself amused."

But how best to achieve this? Only way to keep IROB happy is to get into funny and/or interesting situations, and I doubt that he'd ever let me have a peaceful life. "The only choice is to head out to sea. But the sea is dark and dangerous, and filled with many terrors."

So, it's a matter of balance. Find a way to keep getting into exciting situations, while staying as safe as possible, while finding out enough about my mysterious Devil Fruit to make sure I'm competent enough to survive everything that IROB can throw at me.

"Yosh!" I exclaimed, slapping my cheeks with my palms. "As much as I hate to admit, I need to take a lesson from my IROB. Seek out the cliché, embrace the cliché, become the cliché. I might get on at IROB for being uncreative, but in this case the cliché answer is the right one. It is undeniable that becoming a Straw Hat is literally the safest option to take- its why everyone does it."

It's such a simple conclusion to make. IROB gets excitement and amusement by virtue of me being a crewmember of the future King of the Pirates, I get security by virtue of my future knowledge and having a bunch of nakama guaranteed to protect and back me up, and most of all its easy for me to accomplish.

"Ohhhhh so easy." I linked my fingers together like a boss (Or rather, a NERV boss), and grinned widely. "If there's one thing I've learned from fanfiction it's that Luffy always recruits the Self Insert! It's like a rule! End up in One Piece, find Luffy somehow, pretend to resist his attempts to recruit you, but dive onto the first opportunity to board the Going Merry that you can find. It's just so easy."

I looked at myself in the mirror. A cute and interesting girl that's actually an interdimensional alien, who possesses a cool Devil Fruit of some description and with the Divine Backing necessary to be a Main Character. I'm literally a Mary Sue at this point, if you were to take my story at face value. There's literally no chance of me failing to become a member of his crew if I really tried to impress Luffy.

"Yosh. My goal is decided. Find Luffy. Show off powers. Question marks. Then profit, and ergo membership of the Straw Hats! Its foolproof!"

With resolution, I turn away from the mirror and throw open the door, ready to confront the elderly pair and find the quickest way to wherever the hell Luffy is. "After all, just how hard could it possibly be for me to join the Straw Hats?"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, Harold and Vega-"

"Its Horace and Verte." The couple interject, speaking as one.

"Yes, that." I waved off the correction. "Thanks for the shower and all, but I've gotta go! Time's a ticking, and the sea's a calling. I'm a gonna become a Pirate! Now, what the hell is the quickest way to get to Fushia Village?"

"Fushia Village?" Verte titled her head to one side. "Sorry, I haven't heard of it before."

"Fair enough, fair enough." I nodded. Fushia Village was quite a small place, so they obviously had no idea where it was. Perhaps a bigger location, but one still guaranteed to have a Straw Hat somewhere?

"What about Shell Town?"

"Nope." Said Horace.

"Syrup Village?"

"Nada."

"Fine. Where's the present location of the Baratie?" I finally settled on.

Now Horace titled his head slightly. "Cactus, what do you want to go there for? Isn't that the famous floating restaurant in the middle of the East Blue?"

I tried really hard not the give him a 'well duh' look. "Because I need to go and become a pirate and that seems like the simplest place to go to wait for one since even pirates need to eat?"

"Simplest? Kekikekike! Little lady, why the hell would a restaurant in an entirely different ocean be the simplest way to become anything!?"

"Because it's obviously-" Beat. I finished processing what I just heard, and it couldn't possibly be right. With the little finger of my left hand I cleared out my ears, and then looked at the woman attentively. "Can you please repeat yourself?"

She blinked in confusion, but did as I requested "I said- why the hell would a ship in an entirely different ocean be the simplest way to become anything?"

And theeere we go. I had a dozen questions to ask, but I shouted out the most pressing of concerns. "What the HELL do you mean a ship in an entirely different ocean!? Where the hell are we?"

Horace offered a dumbfounded look. "The island of Baterilla?"

"That name means nothing to me." I offered neutrally. "Now seriously, explain what you mean by 'entirely different ocean'. Because if it's in the East Blue still, and we're here, then clearly there shouldn't be a problem getting there."

"You're making no sense Cactus. The Baratie is in another ocean because it's quite literally in another ocean."

"But this is East Blue!" I cried out.

"No it isn't, you dummy!" chastised Verte. "Baterilla is in the South Blue!"

"Then where the hell am I?"

Verte looked like she was about to burst a vein in her forehead, while Horace just looked resigned. They took a deep breath, and spoke as one, "You're on Batterilla island, in the middle of the South Blue."

"Ohhh…" A dainty finger found itself to my chin as everything finally started to make sense. I tend to have a problem whereby if I get really focussed on something I tend to block everything out, and then even when being told something perfectly simple and understandable the meaning will just go over my head as it doesn't fit into the narrow definition of whatever I'm thinking about.

I'd done it again, staring at the trees so hard that I ignore the forest. Or in this case, focussed in on the water and forgot the sea.

The world of One Piece is larger than just the Grand Line and the East Blue- there are four major seas in total, one for each cardinal point, and another sea crossing through the centre of the world. I wasn't in the East Blue. It was kind of arrogant of me to even assume that I would be dropped in the East Blue, especially when there were four other oceans I could have appeared in. Just because most fanfics start there because their authors are terrified of straying from the Stations of Canon and don't possess many details of the other Blue's doesn't mean that I would be brought to the same location too.

Just a twenty five percent chance of being lucky enough to land in the Weakest Ocean, were we to discount the entirety of the Grand Line too.

Instead, I apparently rolled badly, and turned up in the South Blue.

There's one big, bad thing about this though.

"If I want to join the Straw Hat Pirates then I'm in the wrong body of water entirely! Monkey D Luffy is quite literally an ocean away!" I fell to my knees in despair, but pushed down that emotion.

"Before, I asked myself how hard could it possibly be." I spoke aloud. "Now I know. It looks like it will be quite a bit harder than I anticipated. Quite. A. Bit…"

AN- and that's a rap. We have our protagonist and the premise, and I think even this early on that we can both tell exactly where this fic is going to go. This fanfic is named 'SI Seeks Straw Hat' and it is fairly self explanatory. This is not a standard adventure per say, nor an exploration of characters or story divergences or anything quite that profound. Nah- this is the tale of a journey and the goal of said journey- one that answers a very simple question: "Just how hard could it possibly be to join the Straw Hat Pirates?"

Stick around and read more, and perhaps you'll find the answer to that query.

So- insert the usual messages here. Rate and review, follow and fave, and thanks for reading. Until next chapter… Undying Soul out.