"Hello?" He barely spoke above a whisper; Jess could feel his eyes glaze over as he continued to stare at the bottles he had laid out in front of him. He could hear the thumping of his blood in his ears – so loud that he could barely make out the person on the other end of the line.

"Hey Jess, it's Luke."

Jess froze. His mind blank. He could barely get his mouth to move. Swallowing away the dryness in his throat he squeaked out a measly greeting.

"Your mum said that you haven't called in a few weeks," Luke started. Jess could hear the sound of the diner behind him, Caesar calling out an order ready, the sounds of cutlery hitting plates. "I'm just make sure this is still your number."

Jess nodded, his eyes still focused on that bottles. He started reading the labels, trying to do the math and figure out how many just to be sure – "Still me." He said vaguely.

"Okay."

Jess could almost hear Luke nodding on the other end. Looking for some way to end the conversation.

"You're okay though, right?"

Jess swallowed again. "Yep." He said, "Fine."

"Okay." He paused again, "Ring your mother more."

"Yep."

"Bye."

Jess hung up without returning the farewell.

He stared at the bottled, putting the phone down on the basin next to them. It wouldn't take much. He had the Jack Daniels in a bottle, a glass, and a thousand different pills. It wouldn't take much at all.

He started reaching for the bottles, ready to pour out the first load, so it came as a surprise to him when his body seemed to wake up a little and reach for the phone instead. He pressed redial and didn't have to wait long for the same man to answer.

Luke greeted, sounding short and annoyed.

Jess cut to the chase – "I'm not okay."

"Jess?"

"I'm not fine. I'm not doing okay." He said again.

"What do you mean?"

Jess paused, taking a milli-step away from the basin, away from the bottles. "My roommate died the other day."

"He died?" He said incredulously, "I'm sorry," Luke said after a moment, "Were you close?"

"Not at all." Jess answered honestly, "Didn't really know him – barely saw him."

Jess could tell Luke was confused. He waited for Jess to continue before uttering a small, "Okay?"

Jess took a deep breath. Feeling the way his heart pounded in his chest, feeling the adrenaline that he had been ignoring moment before. "I'm scared."

"You're scared? Jess – what happened? What's going on?"

Jess heard Luke move away from the hustle of the diner. He'd probably turned so that he was facing the wall, the ear of the phone closer to the quiet. Or maybe he'd gone into the store room for some privacy. Regardless, Jess breathed out suddenly and shakily, feeling faint as he looked at the bottles again, his hands were shaking, and he could barely hold onto the phone – what was he about to do?

"I'm scared because when I found out he had died – I was jealous."

"Jealous? I don't understand –"

"I'm scared because before you rang." Jess stopped, he was surprised by the wetness he felt on his cheeks and how badly he felt like choking on the sobs he could feel coming up. "Before you rang," he started again, "I was in the bathroom, with a bottle of whisky, and a thousand bottles of pills."

Luke was quiet on the other end of the line. Someone was attempting to talk to him, but Jess heard his uncle shout for the whole diner to "Shut Up!" before he returned to the phone, his breath coming out as shaky as Jess'. "Are you saying what I think you're saying Jess?"

Jess didn't respond. Instead, in a moment of vulnerability he let out the sob that he'd been so desperate to keep in. He heard his uncle calling for him, but instead he fell back onto the lid of the closed toilet seat and gripped onto the wall next to him, trying to get his head to stop spinning. He interrupted whatever panic his uncle was getting himself into. "I was going to Luke." He implored, "I was just making sure I had enough when you rang. I was seconds from pouring out a glass to make it easier to swallow." His voice was barely understandable to even himself, he was sure that Luke had no idea what he was saying.

He could hear his uncle talking to someone on the other side of the line. Jess slowly moved to the floor of the bathroom, bringing his knees up and letting his head fall between them to stop the room from spinning. "I'm scared." He said again, "Luke, I'm scared. I don't know what's going on with me."

"Hey," Luke said softly, though the shake in his voice proved to Jess that he at least grasped what his nephew was about to do. "Hey Jess, don't be scared okay. Don't be scared. Where are you now?"

"I'm still in the bathroom."

"Get out of there. Get away from the pills Jess."

"I can't at the moment," he admitted, his voice quiet and muffled, "I don't think I can move. I might be sick."

This seemed to panic Luke more, "You didn't already take any, did you? Be sick Jess. If you did - be sick."

Jess shook his head before answered verbally, "No." He reassured, "No, I didn't. I didn't." he promised, "It's hitting me what was just about to happen."

There was ruffling on the other side, sounds of people moving and a commotion happening. "Sorry, I should let you get back to work." He said as if it were the end to a normal conversation – a pleasantry that was offered in a normal situation – he was barely thinking.

"Don't be an idiot." The man growled, "I'm not letting you get off of this phone – you hear me."

Jess nodded again, not bothering to vocalise.

"Where are you, Jess?"

"Still in the bathroom."

"No." Luke said quickly, "Where are you?"

"New York."

"Still in that shitty place?"

Jess scoffed, feeling less dizzy in that moment and surprising himself at how quickly he'd bounced from that sobbing mess to his old guarded self, "Like I could afford anywhere else."

"I'm coming to get you."

Jess' head shot up from his knees, "What?!" and the room span again, he closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall, "Luke! It's the middle of the lunch rush," he complained, "You've got a diner to run. You can't just drop that and come and get me because I'm being a bit of a girl right now and –"

"Jess. This is more than a moment of vulnerability – I'm right about that, aren't I?"

Jess didn't answer.

"Do you honestly think the diner means more to me that you do?"

Jess didn't answer.

"Jeez kid." Luke muttered, obviously realising that yes. Yes, in fact, Jess did think that. "I need to hang up so I can get moving – but I'm going to ring back instantly from a cell so I want you to pick up as soon as it does, okay?"

"I'm not going to do it, Luke. You don't need to talk me off the edge," Jess said, eyeing the pill bottles that were lined up against the basin, "I can just wait until you get here."

"Please kid, for my own sanity."

Jess nodded, but Luke seemed to realise his answer.

The line went to the dial tone and almost in the same moment the ringing of his phone echoes through his ear – he answered.

"Since when do you have a cell phone?"

"I don't." Luke said, the wind picking up on his side of the line telling Jess that he was outside and probably storming towards his car, "But Lorelai does."

Jess hit his head back against the wall with more force than was strictly necessary and groaned – loudly.

"Stop complaining – who do you think is driving me to you?"

"I didn't realise my Sylvia Plath moment was going to involve the whole cast of Jess Mariano: The Early Years."

Luke didn't respond to Jess' attempt at making light of the situation. He was still on the bathroom floor. The pounding in his head had ceased and he was started to feel cold against the tiles – his body racking in shivers and constant shakes.

"How long has this been going on, Jess?"

Jess shook his head. His teeth were starting to chatter against each other and he couldn't seem to warm himself up. "I don't know," he admitted.

"Why didn't you say anything at Liz's wedding?"

"I didn't think I would go through with it." He said without thinking. Almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth Jess regretted them, slamming his lips shut. It was like he was coming up for air finally after months of drowning – he was seeing just how much he'd been simply existing – not living.

"Didn't think you'd go through with it?" he repeated. Jess heard Luke shush Lorelai on his side of the line, "What does that mean?

"I was, uh." He felt awkward. Not only that – he felt ashamed. "I was thinking of what everyone's life would be like if I wasn't in the picture." He admitted, "I was just thinking about how I'd like to go." Jess looked up and saw the bottles once again and he felt his body lurch in repulsion, he bent over, groaning and fell against the toilet, lifting the lid in time for him to empty the acidic lack of contents from his stomach. He could hear his uncle shouting through the speaker and simply groaned in response, fumbling with the buttons so that he could put it on speaker and keep his head over the toilet – ready to be sick again.

"I'm okay." He whispered, "I'm alright." He said again. He wasn't sure who he was reassuring, but his body took another lurch, his whole being seeming to shake, and he was sick again. Gasping, and choking on the taste, the smell, Jess struggled to breathe in and answer his Uncle who was shouting through the phone, his pleas constant and piercing through the empty bathroom. "Luke." He choked out, "stop." He leaned up, his arm feeling weak – it was shaking so much that he struggled to reach and grip hold of the flush and attempt to get rid of the burning smell. "I was sick – I'm fine."

"We won't be long." Luke said eventually. "Lorelai is breaking probably every driving law trying to get there."

"I'm not sure I'm going to be able to move, Luke." Jess whispered, his words choking in his throat as the acidic bile threatened to spill out again, "I'm not sure I'm going to be able to let you in."

"Don't worry about that, okay –"

Jess cut him off by once again retching over the toilet. He was struggling to keep a grip on the lid, every part of him was shaking. He couldn't stop himself from twitching, stuttering, lurching. He felt like he was no longer in control of his body. Why couldn't he stop shaking?

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, trying to get a hold of his body and stop the shivers and shakes that seemed to beat through him. He felt like he had pins-and-needles in his head, and his feet were so cold he was sure they were going to gall off. He didn't particularly want Luke to hear him gag and vomit, coughing over the burning smell, but he didn't have the energy to reach for where he had placed to phone on the top of the toilet and turn it off speaker. He didn't even hear the bang as Luke kicked open the flimsy lock on the door. He only realised he had company when he felt a hand on his back, stroking up and down as he retched into the bowl.

Jess leant to the side, resting his head against the toilet seat and glancing up at his uncle. He saw Lorelai by the basin, picking up the many bottles that seemed to be mocking him and rushing out of the bathroom to probably get them as far away from the messed up young man as possible.

"Luke, I'm sorry."

The man just shushed the boy, pushing his hair away from where it was sticking to his forehead with sweat. Jess was still quite violently shaking, unable to lift his head from where it rested on the seat.

Luke called for Lorelai to help. He pulled his nephew away from the toilet so that she could flush away the acidic smell without anything hitting Jess in the face. He was basically holding the boy up, his body weak and exhausted. Jess could hear Lorelai sniffing and when he finally looked up at her he noticed that she had watery eyes and evident tear stains down her cheeks.

He tried to apologise again but was only met by a weak smile on her part.

"Why's he shaking so much?" Luke muttered.

"It's the shock." Lorelai said, helping Luke settle Jess back so the boy was leaning against the wall, his feet out in front of him, so it'd be easier to help him stand. "I'll get a blanket, that'll help." She escaped the bathroom as soon as she could.

"Do you think you can stand?" Luke asked.

Jess nodded, but reached for his uncle, silently asking for help. Luke held strongly onto his hands as Jess pulled himself up, stumbling away from the wall. With his help, Jess walked out of the bathroom and followed at Luke lead him towards the broken door. He stopped momentarily to wrap the blanket that Lorelai had acquired around the boy's shoulders before leading him out, "I'm getting you out of here, Jess." He said.

"Can you get my books?" Jess asked, looking back into the apartment where a stack of his favourites were lines up next to his mattress. "I don't care about anything else – I need my books." He didn't like how desperate he sounded, but neither of the adults commented. Lorelai simply head back into the place and picked up the small pile of worn paperbacks that Jess had nodded towards, pausing to also pick up the notebook and pencil that was left on his bed, and heading the boys out of the apartment and towards her jeep.

Jess was asleep almost as soon as the door of the Jeep shut behind him. His body giving out of exhaustion, and the warmth of the duvet, along with the reassurance from his uncle meant that he finally gave in and shut his eyes, falling away into unconsciousness.

As soon as Jess was asleep, Luke let out a long breath and felt himself fall away from the car. Lorelai caught him in a hug and pulled his head down so that the man was muffled by her shoulder, her neck. "Did you see the pills?" he said shakily, pulling her closer to him like she was the only thing grounding him, "Did you see how many there were? He was serious Lorelai. He wasn't giving himself a chance to be saved."

"But you did Luke. You saved him."

"I called to shout at him about his mother."

"And he told you what was going on." She implored, "He was certain, he was doing it and then he rang you. Luke, this means not all hope is lost. He told you, and now he needs help."

"I keep picturing how this night could have ended up." He pulled away from Lorelai, looking into the Jeep where Jess was sleeping, "He said he was about to pour the drink. If I was a few seconds too late –"

"But you weren't."

"What am I going to do?"

"I don't know, but right now we need to get both you and him out of here – okay?"

Luke nodded and walked around the car to get into the passenger seat. Lorelai took a few moments to breath herself. She wiped away the tears that had be clinging onto her eyelashes and shook herself to try and get some semblance of strength left before she got into the car and started the drive back to Star Hollow.

Seeing the boy like that. Defeated. Weak. Apologetic. So different from the Jess that she was used to – or at least, the image of Jess that she had assumed he was – She never wanted to experience that horror again.