A/N: The italicized words this time is the stuff Akira's reading.

Epilogue

The day after he came and visited me, I heard of his death. Suicide due to an overdose of sleeping pills, with no evidence of fowl play. I looked at the suicide message Kosh left for me and opened it.

But before I could read it a guard came and told me, "Sendoh, you got a visitor."

'Visitor? Who?'

He accompanied me as I walked out, 'Ayako?'

"Hey."

She looked seriously pissed off and demanded, "Why did you kill Rukawa?! How could you, you cold-blooded heartless bastard!"

I was unaffected by her words. Since Kaede's death I felt…nothing.

She fling a book at me. It hit me square in the chest, I caught it as it fell.

"This was Kaede's journal. I thought you might want to read his last entry. I want to see how you could kill someone that loves you so much!"

.

I was back, alone in my cell. The guard had just examined Kaede's journal to make sure there was nothing in it that could aid me in escaping. I decided to read Kosh's letter first.

Dear Akira,

I wonder what your thoughts would be when you hear of my death. Will you be wondering why I did it? Or could you not care less? Perhaps it's just my wishful thinking, that you'd care.

Love at first sight really does exist because I love you the moment I saw you. Of course at that time I didn't know it was love, after all we were just in elementary. I never knew you could love someone that fully, that unconditionally.

I thought really long before I made this choice. I have nothing to live for anymore, no reason to exist. I understand now that in your heart, you'll only love Rukawa. You don't even have the tiniest room for me. You don't even hate me for what I did. You forgave me, and blamed yourself. At least if you hated me, you'll remember me, think of me every now and then. But I know you won't. To you, Rukawa is the world, like how you're mine. You'll never think of me. You'll never reciprocate my feelings.

I was idiotic to think I could protect you. Because even if I can protect you from the entire world, I can't protect you from yourself. In the end, you ended up where, I tried to prevent you from going.

I blamed Rukawa for everything, for hurting you, for not loving you. Perhaps I'm the one that hurt you most. I regret killing Rukawa. I'm very sorry that I killed him. My reason for killing him wasn't just to protect you. It was selfish as well. I thought perhaps with him gone you'll forget him and move on. But I'm so wrong. You'll never stop loving him and there's no way I can change that. How can I battle someone that's dead? Someone who in your heart will remain perfect?

I wonder if absence really does make the heart fonder. Will you remember me now that I'm gone? Will you think about me, once in a while? Probably not.

There's still one nagging question in the back of my mind. I wonder…had you never met Rukawa, had he not existed. Would we be together?

Despite everything Akira, I'm glad I've met you and gotten the chance to know you. Maybe in the next life…

Forever waiting,

Hiroaki.

'Gomen Kosh. I wish you better luck in your next life. I hope you don't ever meet another like me. Instead, I hope you meet someone, who'll love you and appreciate you. Someone who deserves you.'

My hands trembled as I picked up the journal. I opened it to the first page.

Day 2,

I just woke up last night and I can't remember anything. I guess that's why I asked the nurse to go to the gift shop and help me get this.

Maybe writing will help me remember. Or at the very least, if I ever get amnesia again I'll have something to go back to. Something to tell me who I am.

So lets start with the basics. I'm Rukawa Kaede, going to turn 18 on January 1st. I'm the only eyewitness to a murder investigation. But there's something I don't understand. If I saw the murder, why didn't he/she kill me as well? Was he/she wearing a mask? Was he/she scared? Thought I was dead?

Ugh, my head hurts. It always hurts when I try to remember.

Other things about me. I got a boyfriend call Sendoh Akira. Yes, boyfriend. He's very nice, not to mention handsome and cute. That sounds so odd. But it's true. He stayed with me all night and told me a lot about me, us. He was probably sleepy. I slept for 17 days but him…hard to say. He looks so worn out. Is shouldn't have kept him up. But I find his voice so soothing, it comforts me. Even when I think about him now…this tranquilizing feeling falls over me. Like everything will be ok, and the world's not a scary place.

Other things about myself. I go to Shohoku High, and I'm a starter for their basketball team. Apparently I'm very good, and that's how Akira and I met. I live alone, they haven't been able to contact my parents that work out of the country. I don't have any siblings or pets.

What else do you think I'll find out about myself?

TBC

'His first opinion of me was high. He trusted me so much and I fed him lies,' I thought ashamed, 'is his opinion of me high because I'm the first person he saw? Like ducklings that associate the first thing they see as their mother? I took advantage of his vulnerability, confusion and fear. I…'

I flipped a couple of pages and stopped on a page that had a picture of us taped there. The picture was a silly one with our cheeks pressed together and tongues stuck out. A picture we took at those instant photo booths.

Absentmindedly I stoke the picture as I read the surrounding text.

Day 10,

Having nothing to do. I searched my entire house a couple of times, very thoroughly. It's official. Whoever I was, I didn't like to keep anything. No pictures, no letters, no notes, no memos, no newspaper clippings, no toys, no nothing! What kind of person was I?!

I asked Akira about this. He said it's because I don't like to take pictures and dump letters after I read it. He said it was amazing that I got a team photo on the top of my dresser. He sounded odd when he said this…sad even. I think he probably asked me to take a picture with him and I refused. Or maybe he written me stuff and I probably dumped it away. I think I was a cold, uncaring person. I must've been a terrible boyfriend.

So I dragged him to the mall to get our picture taken. He was so happy. I'm surprise at how easy it is for him to be happy. When I see him happy, I feel all warm. I vow right now, I'll be a better boyfriend from now on. I'll make Akira happy. Because he's the most important person in my life right now.

TBC

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, 'I was the most important person in your life? You wanted to make me happy? Don't you know you didn't have to do anything. All you had to do was be with me?'

I frowned, 'Ayako mentioned the last entry…'

I flipped to the last entry. I noticed there were patches of dissipated ink and the writing was messy, 'Was he crying when he wrote this?'

This morning I woke up and remembered everything. I should go tell the police everything I know. I liked Hanamichi. Akira killed Hanamichi. Then why am I still here…writing?

Because I can't do it.

The me in these past 26 days and who I was, are 2 completely different people. You can split us into Rukawa and Kaede.

Rukawa was a cynical person. He doesn't need or trust anyone. How could he…I, not he. I'm Rukawa. Why am I so confused? My father left my mother. My mother left me here and went god knows where. I don't believe in love. I don't trust anyone. That's why I kept my distance from people. They're all liars. But I liked Hanamichi. Why? Because he's the type of person that wears his emotions on his sleeve. I can tell what he's thinking and feeling just by looking at his face. He doesn't put up a front like other people.

It's also my guardedness that prevented me from believing Akira when he told me he loved me for the first time. He was actually the first person I can remember telling me that. But I doubted his sincerity. Why? Because I never know what he's thinking. He's always smiling. Even when I told him off.

But these 26 days…I allowed myself to be open. To be dependent. Dependent on him. I've never been more trusting in my life. But I was right not to trust people. He lied to me. He took advantage of my trust! I forgotten everything. I was a blank slate. He could fill my mind when anything. And he filled it with lies!

But…those lies were so…lovely. I…I wish I never remembered. I wish I could stay in the dream he so carefully woven for me. But we all must wake up. No matter how beautiful the dream is.

But I don't blame him for lying to me. I can't expect him to tell me the truth. I'm not even mad. I think…he believed in what he was telling me. When he told me about us…he sounded like…he truly believed in it. Maybe he was successful in lying to even himself. Was it his dream…to be with me?

Now I know when he told me he loved me, he meant it.

I love him too. Maybe Rukawa loved him too but was afraid to admit it… When did my love for him begin? Not just in these past 26 days. Rukawa felt something for him as well, but for Rukawa it was easy to push those feelings aside. To pretend they didn't exist. But I can't!

I know I should go to the police…but I can't do that either. I…I love him too much to betray him.

Hanamichi's death is as much my fault as his. Had I accepted Akira…or if I could've just stopped him…

Had he kill me that night I never would be in this dilemma. He couldn't kill me, how can I condemn him to a fate worst than death? What should I do?

The writing suddenly became smoother, more legible.

I thought about it for a very long time and I finally came to a conclusion. I can't turn him in that much is simple. So I'll let him choose.

I will phone him and let him know I regained my memory. I will meet him at a secluded location. Then I will confront him and tell him I'm going to turn him in. Will he let me live after all the terrible, hurtful things I plan to say? Will he let me go knowing fully well, that I'm going to betray him for another guy? Does he love me that much? I really want to know. I need to know. Perhaps it's the Rukawa part of me that needs to know. Because I already know…

I know it's unfair to Hanamichi. To judge how guilty Akira is by his love for me. But life is unfair and I'm a weak, selfish person.

If he lets me go freely. I will come back here and destroy this book. I will go tell him how I truly feel and…maybe we can put this behind us…

If he decides to kill me…he will most likely go to jail. The police will come to my house to search for clues and they will find this book, realizing who murdered Hanamichi and myself.

But I know that he will choose the former. He will let me go. He let me go once did he not? And when I woke up he was more worried about my well-being than what I remembered. I have confidence that he loves me as much as I love him, if not more. Most of all I trust him.

The End