Warning: Potential spoilers for all seven books and films in the Harry Potter series, though mostly the books. It is recommended that you read them first before reading this parody. It might have helped if I'd put this spoiler warning up on day one rather than after 44 chapters, but what can you do?

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 1

What if Vernon Dursley Forgot about Wizards?

By

Jason Richard

In England Somewhere Vernon Dursley was minding his own business when suddenly bizarre people in robes started partying in the street. They were dancing, hugging, crying, and all without any music.

Vernon stared around at all these strange people open mouthed and astonished, right up until one of the robed men came up and hugged him out of the blue.

"Good tidings and great joy to you," said the Man. "Today is a happy day! In fact, every day should be a happy day from now on."

"Please tell me you're not hippies," said Vernon irritably..

"Oh but don't you see!" said the delighted man. "You know who is vanquished!"

"Who?" asked Vernon.

"Oh sorry," said the stranger. "You're a muggle. I mean you don't know who is vanquished."

Before Vernon could even ask who you don't know who was they were interrupted by a man in a banker's suit.

"What do you think you're doing!?" cried the man. "Prancing about in your robes right in front of the muggles!?" he pulled the robed man to the side and whispered, "This is a direct violation of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy!"

Robed Man, "But aren't you happy that you don't know who is vanquished?"

Banker Suit Man, "What?"

Robed Man, "Oh sorry, you do know who."

Vernon, "I'm sorry what..." it dawned on him. It was like his wife's sister and her husband. "I know! You're those freaky…" he choked on the work like a pit in his throat. "Wizards!"

"There you see!" said the man in the Banker's suit. "People are starting to learn about us! I don't care about you don't know who. I mean you know who. I mean...gah! This stops now." he pulled out his wand and shouted, "OBLIVIATE!"

And Vernon Dursley completely forgot about the existence of wizards.

…

As Vernon walked home, still greatly disturbed by the number of happy, hugging people wearing robes, he couldn't help but wonder why his wife Petunia had estranged herself from her sister Lily and her husband James Potter. He seemed to remember Petunia telling why they were so abhorrent, but couldn't remember what the reason actually was. Vernon was forced to conclude that the reason wasn't so bad as that.

He figured he'd better suggest to Petunia that they reach out to them. They were family after all. Surely whatever Lily and James were it wasn't so bad that there couldn't be reconciliation?

It was later that evening as he and Petunia were sitting down to dinner that he decided to bring it up. Petunia was feeding their little baby son Dudley, she looked so sweet and loveable. Certainly now was the right time.

"Say Petunia," said Vernon carefully. "Have you ever thought about mending bridges with your sister?"

"WHAT!?" demanded Petunia as she snapped the baby spoon with her fingers, making baby Dudley cringe.

"I know," said Vernon defensively. "I know, you and your sister had a falling out. That tends to happen between siblings."

"I'm sorry," said Petunia furiously. "Have you forgotten what she and her husband are?"

He thought quickly. It was something Lily was that made Petunia angry? Not something she did? What did Lily and her husband do for a living? Thinking as hard as he could, he was able to retrieve a memory. Something about broomsticks. What...they were janitors for a living? Of course! At their age they only reason they would have that work, and the only reason Petunia could be angry, is because they were college dropouts! Now he knew how to handle this tactfully.

"Of course I remember," said Vernon. "Quite shamefully for your family."

"Not if you ask my parents," said Petunia spitefully.

Vernon, with much confusion, "They were proud of this?"

Petunia, "Oh of course. Even more proud when they saw the gold."

Vernon, "For that kind of work?!"

Petunia, "Well what else would their kind paid?"

Vernon, "Well who pays in Gold for that sort of thing?"

Petunia, "That government of theirs I suppose."

Vernon, "They have their own government?! Since when?! Why does nobody know about this?!"

"You know what they are," said Petunia. "Of course they keep that secret from most normal people."

You fool, this is worse than being a college dropout, thought Vernon. Clearly Lily has joined a cult!

"Well we have to get her out of that life!" said Vernon.

Petunia in disgust, "Get that witch out of her life?"

Vernon, "Now Petunia there's no need for name calling."

Petunia, "What is the matter with you? You try an intervention with those people and you'll get turned into a toad or something."

Vernon wasn't quite certain he'd heard that correctly. "What was that dear?"

"You could get turned into a toad," said Petunia irritably. "Or cursed, or blown up, or whatever else they learned at that witch school...oh for goodness sake Vernon why are you staring at me like I'm crazy?"

…

As Petunia was led through the asylum in a straight jacket she shouted in a rage, "VERNON DURSLEY YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!"

"I'm sorry Petunia," said Vernon as he held Dudly. "This is for your own good."

"NO!" Petunia shouted as she struggled with the nurses. "LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU IDIOTS. LET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEERE!"

…

Outside the asylum, where Petunias enraged screaming could be heard, Professor Dumbledore, professor Mcgonagall, and Hagrid watched, a tiny Harry Potter cradled in Hagrid's arms. They all had rather...surprised looks on their faces.

"Well," said Dumbledore, absolutely flummoxed. "This is unfortunate."