You know? I'd love to tell you what kind of interesting things I was doing when this whole mess started. Like walking back home from some sort of martial arts training. Or chatting with some friends. Or even being at work.

Sad thing? I don't have friends. Or well, none that I was currently having active contact with. Sometimes I am too lazy to start Skype, okay? And in my defense, I live in a roof-level apartment – according to my thermometer the temperature had cracked the 100°F. Definitely felt like it. And considering the time being past 22:05 … Yeah. Not nice. And I already had all of my windows open to let in some fresh air. Not that it helped, but I tried.

At any rate, I was pretty much just derping around at my PC, not even sure what I was mainly doing to be honest. Cooked brain just blurs everything, you know? But what I do know what I was doing was checking my email rather often for … something. Honestly, no clue what for, considering I don't generally expect anything important on that one. I generally use my gmail for notifications of fanfics – which sure, are nice to read, but you can do so later.

Still my frantic checking ended up presenting me with one mail that stood out from the rest like a Diamond from a Ruby only one minute after I received it. The reason this mail stood out so much? It was written in German. Now, seeing as I am a native German that wasn't much of an issue – but it sure proofed to draw my attention far more than the lack of a logical sender address – a weird garble of numbers and letters that I am sure could be arranged to something meaningful if I could actually remember it. Considering the state of my brain however I do have to admit, the language was an issue – damn thing decided to forget that the German language was a thing and turned the subject of the mail into something that sounded an awful lot like "rhabarber" which coincidentally is actually a German word meaning rhubarb. Now that I think back and actually know the guy who send the thing, it actually could have been "Rhabarber" thought that could just be me trying to overplay that I never bothered to check again.

The mail itself kept the German language, following the grammatical rules rather well – though the writer certainly lacked some manners considering not only did he fail to use the polite personal pronoun "Sie" instead using the more familiar "du" in lowercase but also wrote his own pronouns with capital letters at the start. There were a few tipos which not only were easy to make and miss but also sadly not of the funny kind that changes the meaning of a word. I like that kind.

Dear Yashe,

it has come to My attention that you are currently suffering from the local heatwave, Yeah, no shit, roof-level, smartass a generally rather … boring life and a bunch of other issues I am fairly certain you are well aware and would not like to be reminded of. So instead of telling you about them, allow Me to cut right to the point: I would like to make you an offer to get rid of all of it in one fell swoop, not only placing you in an world filled with adventure but … Well, I am sure you know what I am getting at.

Do feel free to contact Me with any questions you might have.

He didn't leave a name either, signing with something translating to "Your possible Benefactor" making his gender rather clear in the process. I groaned, having a feeling where this was going. Still, I decided to answer – in English in part because at the moment my brain assumed that was my native language and in part to annoy whoever this was.

There sure are a shit ton of B.R.O.B.s going around these days.

Also, I was kinda hoping he wouldn't understand English considering that was the only reply I managed to come up with. I was disappointed when he switched to English as well.

I am not random.

So You aren't going to dispute the bastard?

No. I am one. That was refreshingly open. Worrying considering the context, but still open.

So, are you just going to drop me off somewhere without warning or help?

Not that much. You have some time to prepare and I'll grant you three requests – though with a catch in both cases.

I'm not going to say yes without knowing the catches or the destination.

Fair enough though I am afraid you don't have much of a choice. You can only take with you what you wear on your body for one. As for the other, you can not state directly what you want for two requests. And are you sure you can't guess the destination?

Due to nature calling, I had to postpone reading this mail, preferring to bold to the bathroom. Returning freshly relieved I didn't mind running head first into the Fourth Wall as much as I would have one the way to the toilet. While writing my reply the B.O.B wrote another mail.

Did you just run into the fourth wall?

Well, considering the fic is sorted into One Piece, I guess all of this is pretty obvious. And yeah, I did. I can observe the thing and run into it but I can't manipulate it. Also, punctuation marks aren't pack animals.

… At any rate, I shouldn't hold you longer than need be. So please, do tell your requests.

I paused at that. This would require some thinking. The directly state-able request would go into a fit body, I could probably work out anything else from there, but with how chubby I was at this point, no matter when I would end up, I would be toast. Considering my MO being pretty much "expect the worst hope for the best" I expected to be put somewhere during the run of the story though I did hope for preparation time for that one beyond the rest of the night. Still, even if I did get placed before Luffy set out, I needed to be able to at least run from danger.

As for the other two … A devil fruit pretty much went without saying. The Rumble-Rumble Fruit would be most desirable for me since a Logia would be an advantage at the beginning of the Grand Line and since I decided to go with cliche and join the Straw Hats hopefully I wouldn't go on to rely too heavily on the Logia invincibility. Also, Enel wouldn't have it anymore if I got it, so win-win all around. Thankfully I had a way to describe it without outright saying it, since lightning and the destructive capacities of electricity in general fascinated me to borderline obsession.

The last one was a tad more tricky and it took me a while to remember how I had tried a few types of sport that would most definitely help me survive in the world of One Piece – if only I had the patience to work on them! For example I had started to learn Judo – but always ended with an awkwardly sized training partner, ending up with more hurdles than strictly needed. Before that I had joined the marksman club of the village I grew up in and here my impatience itself was a problem, not letting me take the time to properly aim. And these were only two examples! Though to be fair, my athletics stint would be most likely be covered with the direct request, meaning I could directly exclude that.

Nodding to myself I set out to type.

Sure. The direct request is two changes to my body, making my spring green streak natural since that is somewhat of my trademark that I would probably loose otherwise and giving me a reasonably fit body since the 40kg I have too much would be otherwise impossible to healthily loose in any reasonable amount of time. First indirect request is a physical Devil Fruit corresponding with one of my obsessions, so I keep the ability to decide against eating it. Second indirect request is moderately above average skill in one of the sports I tried out in the past but never followed through learning properly with athletics and anything not fighting enhancing like the type of dancing I did being right out the window.

Very well. You'll get them granted once you switch over. You have twenty minutes to prepare.

Anything I should pack in case you want to contact me or anything? Also give me five minutes to change, pls.

… I'll drop some notes if I do want to contact you. Also, you definitely want to pack painkillers. This month it's gonna be painful.

… Oh, come on, No Periods, Period can't be in effect for this? I call hacks! And of course this month it would have an additional layer of suck! Yey.

Actually, this hour was going to suck. I would have to wear something that would be people-appropriate as well as my coat in winter mode, seeing as I wasn't willing to leave that one behind. And my backpack, but that one wouldn't make the night anymore uncomfortable beyond the weight of anything I'd put in there. Within an hour. With the knowledge that my electronics most likely wouldn't work. Yeah, my backpack was going to break my back.

But first things first. In this case, finding something people-appropriate to wear that wouldn't kill me within the next fifteen minutes. It was … actually pretty simple. I did own a nice summer dress in brown, red, and green reaching down to my knees making it both light to wear but still appropriate enough that my old school wouldn't bat an eye about it. Considering it was a catholic girls school … Long thought short, the dress was people-appropriate, so I changed into it and the usually accompanying leggins-shorts.

I did pause before fiddling the lining back into my coat and instead put it into the main compartment my backpack along with a change of clothes and a blanket with sleeves. I filled the second, slightly smaller one with female hygiene products as well as the advised painkillers and ultimately used the third, rather tiny one for some ink cartridges. And with some I mean I head to fiddle around quite a few minutes – more than when I stuffed the coat lining and the blanket into the backpack – to close the damn thing without half of the cartridges falling out of the compartment. While I had a feeling that I would be able to get writing supplies at my destination, I didn't want to risk the pens there to be build differently (or a lack of pens in the first place – I can't write with feathers!) and I really liked mine.

I grimaced before checking how much time I had left – three minutes – and throwing on my coat, stuffing my aforementioned ink pen, a Swiss pocket knife and some essentials I never leave the house without into the pockets, as well as putting on the backpack and grabbing a green couch pillow with a fuzzy side. I paused before tossing my wallet back to my manga collection, since there was nothing in there I would be able to use in the world of One Piece and I would most definitely not go with my real name so carrying my passport with me could lead to something really awkward. The wallet was soon joined by my keys which I wouldn't really need at any point in the future and loosing them on sea in a different world was not something I wanted to risk and wholeyfuckingshititswaytohotImgonnadiefuckinghellwhydidntIjusthangthecoatovermyfuckenarm

~!~

Blar. I felt like someone just placed me into a fucking oven. Located in a volcano. On a desert island. In the middle of a fire hell. Right next to the sun. Actually, no. That sounds amazingly cool compared to the temperature I felt before …

Huh, I guess I blacked out. Would you look at that. Last time that happened I was still in the German sorta-equivalent of an elementary school. Forgot to bring a drink to school, middle of summer, bam, little Yashe flakes out like a chump. Luckily after school and me wasting some time to skip the bulk of students. Having my classmates see that would have gone terribly wrong. Kids are evil.

I was taken out of my musings by one of my coat pockets chir-... WHEN DID I PACK MY PHONE?

O-oh, yeah. Literally jumping up was a terrible idea. The whole forest turned around me for a moment – until I leaned against a tree for a short moment. Thing is, since my B.O.B pretty much shot down my attempt at weaseling an immortal battery out of him, I had made the conscious decision to not take my phone with me and hadn't bothered checking the left pocket of my coat to take it out before the time was up – but since my leaving-the-apartment-routine consisted of stuffing my wallet, keys and smart phone into my coat pockets, I had apparently still grabbed it. How I didn't notice grabbing it from out of my bed is anyone's guess, however now checking the message was a little more important – seeing as it was most likely from B.O.B.

And right I was – he had opened a Whatsapp-chat – and did name himself Bob. Whelp, at least he had something of a compatible humor.

Considering how utterly blank the look on your face was when you grabbed this, I am willing to chalk this up to an accident.

It was I replied no clue how that happened though.

At any rate. I do have to admit that this makes contacting you a lot easier. I did however not tweak your body as much as you'd probably think necessary in exchange for the undying battery. So my phone was now a zombie? Neat. Your phone is not a zombie. Damnit. Wait.

You can read my thoughts?

No. I do however know of your favorite apocalypse. And how you would let yourself get bitten for the lulz. Oh right, that's a thing. Still, there were more important things to chat about. Like for example how I apparently lost the 40kg and the corresponding four to six clothing sizes and actually did feel a bit fitter than before. Not overly so, but it did feel like a difference.

But onto more important things. One, good job on holding up the first part of our … Actually, it isn't a deal, is it? Whatever it was.

Deal is fitting enough, but you don't need to worry about just yet.

Right. Thing is, not sure about the other two. Like, I can't figure out which sport you chose.

I had taken a bit of a gamble with that request and didn't actually have anything in particular in mind.

Archery. Wait, when did I … Son of a toad. True, I had done some archery – on a school festival. In third grade. The school had held a small tournament and I did place with the first ten as well as enjoy myself to the point of considering taking it up as a sport – but for one thing nothing ever came from that in part due to there being no opportunities where I grew up and for the other I had completely forgotten about it by now. Still, I could probably work with that.

Eh, not complaining. And the Devil Fruit is …?

In your backpack with the … you know what. Yeah, if I had any doubts about B.O.B being male, they were gone now. Most females wouldn't have a problem to say 'with your hygiene prodcuts'. While I opened the corresponding zipper, a thought crossed my mind.

Considering B.O.B had just told me he couldn't read minds and the fact that I never really mentioned how deep my interest with electricity went, the chances of this being … Oh for hell's sake.

So, did you rip someone's canon DF out?

What? Why would I need to do that? What obsession did he … Yeah, you know what? Nevermind the DF. I'm gonna try and kill Enel.

Whelp, that didn't go as I hoped. Eh, I'll keep the fruit though. If getting the one I ACTUALLY wanted doesn't work, this could get interesting.

I looked over the Devil Fruit I did get which took the form of a Luigi-green physalis before putting it back with a shrug.

So when and where am I?

Somewhere between the Conomi Islands and Logue Town on an uninhabited Island. Okay, that means … Oh, Fuck no.

You turned this into a "This Bites" clone?

It is merely a shout-out on my end. I snorted. Yeah right, and I am Sengoku's secretary. Though, there is an idea for a running gag.

Shout-out my ass. In case you haven't noticed, it'll be obvious enough for the readers that I and by extension Yashe Prime have read the story. So of course this story will be influenced by that particular piece of genius,but that doesn't mean I want to be seen as a Cross-expy!

B.O.B took a few seconds to reply.

There is a fanfic about this?

…

Dude, I literally pointed that out right before packing. How the bloody hell are you surprised by this?

I am omniPOTENT not omniSCIENT. Point taken. Begrudgingly. That was about what would happen if Yashe Prime was B.O.B, though she wasn't the type to pretend to be male. I am fairly comfortable with my boobs.

Fine. But if I find a snail with the Noise-Noise Fruit, it learns how to fly.

On a different note, do I still have Internet? I'll go ballistics if I can't entertain myself until I'm picked up.

If we kept talking about that I would probably set the island I was on on fire within the next hour and my immortal phone was a good distraction. For both of us.

Plan, not Wi-Fi, but yes.

To make sure I can't keep up with the Manga, I take it?

Oh no, those sites are blocked. It was just easier to use the mobile signal.

… Eh, I can live with that.

What about transponder snails?

Your phone can connect to them, yes, though you can't text them. Making it look like your crew snail can talk is not as funny as you might think. Damn.

You can send sound files though. There was a thought. Back home I did enjoy making Let's Plays or generally recording myself talking for up load-purposes. Lifestreams too, but eh, too close to This Bites. Recording what was happening to the crew and sending it to a bunch of random people later? Different enough in my book.

Is it on Nokia level indestructible?

Most kinds of force yes and I am not entirely sure about water. Temperatures are pretty much its only confirmed weakness, it would survive you pissing Enel off unless he decides to heat things up.

No pun intended.

None taken.

So no throwing my phone at Akainu to piss him off?

Why would you want to do that?

No idea. It would be funny if the phone survived?

At any rate, even if I get the thing seastone casing, I won't risk it.

Anything else I'd want to know?

Well, your phones has two numbers now. Mostly because I found out the old one works with snails after I added the other. It's in your contacts.

Other than that, none that I want to share.

…

Fair enough. How long do I have to wait until I get picked up? Also could I get a confirmation for the Straw Hats?

I don't know, I only picked your 'Space-coordinates', not the time ones. But I can give you a Straw Hat guarantee.

Okay

One last thing before I go explore the place though, how much do you want to keep in contact with me?

Not a lot. As a matter of fact, I have things going on on my end and even if you text me, I won't answer before quite a while.

I swear, if it's Alabasta, I'll test if I can drown the phone.

I'll have you know, unlike THAT I have rules to follow. It took way too much self control to not ask if the reason behind the aggressive tone was a bad breakup and the only reason I managed was the way too high chance of a piano dropping on me.

Right. Well, I'm off then.

I turned my phone's screen off after I didn't get a reply and placed it back in my coat-pocket before taking off to explore the island.

~.~

The exploration showed me two things. One and simple, it was a small island, if I kept a good walking speed I could cross it in about two hours and the forest mostly stretched right down to the sea except for a stretch of beach, making that place the most likely for the Straw Hats to land on. As a result of that, I set up camp in a nearby clearing that had a small stream flowing through in the direction of the ocean.

Two and quite shocking, B.O.B had pretty much cheated my direct request. I still had close to no muscles or stamina. The first had been easy to find out, after first crossing the island I had nearly collapsed from exhaustion while the second involved an annoying boulder. Though to be fair, I now didn't want to remove it anymore since the stream in my clearing had the perfect size for a single person using it as water supply thanks to the boulder mostly blocking the source.

I decided against screaming at B.O.B though. For one, piano. For two, he did make my streak natural (since it was only a streak I usually let the roots grow out up/down to my eyebrow and had been halfway there when I got his first message), at least removed my overweight and gave my phone a few up-grades, so overall it was a good deal for me. And well, I didn't have shit to do for now, so starting tomorrow I'd get some muscles. And try to make a bow.

The reason I didn't start yet? At the point I took the time to think about all of these plans (scratching them into a patch of dirt in front of me) the sun had gone down about two hours ago and I had called it a day around the same time, trying to fall asleep. It didn't take me this long because of excitement ('cause really, getting picked up by the Straw Hats the next day would be optimal, getting food and having someone to help with the training), it's just how long it usually takes me to fall asleep.

A/N: Few things I gotta say: One, this is far from my first fanfic, but you know considering how much constructive critisism I got (Jack and shit, especially on my two other English fics over at AO3) I guess I am a naturally perfect author? I value critique far over praise, as long as it's constructive.
Two, while I like to think I am pretty proficient in English (more so in written form), it is not my first language, so a beta-reader (which to be honest I never had before) could be nice? I guess? I mean, I'd like to think I don't need one, but you know ... Could be interesting to have one.
Three, I have a weird work ethic at least as far as my hobbies are concerned. Most of my hobbies are artistic (drawing, writing) or at least involve presenting a final product to an audience (Let's Plays) so I generally only work on them when I feel motivated to do it because I worry that if I have to force myself to do it, it would result in me not enjoying it in that moment which would most likely show. And with fanfics my fan-focus has to lie on the respective story for the same reason. Though considering how long I have been obsessing over this story, I should manage to write a few chapters before I loose my motivation for it (angry unintelligable garble from "Stuck in the Fandom" and "Jaspertale - YasheVersion" in the background). But yeah, if I suddenly stop uploading, it's that. But to be safe, I won't upload immediately after finishing the next chapter but instead wait until I have a puffer of ten. Which could take forever or I could upload again as soon as this week.
Four, this fanfic is in part me dealing with a few issues I have, like the signs of sociopathy I exhibit (which in and of itself wouldn't bother me if I didn't also have depression based on feeling like a monster). I am not sane by any stretch, both with positive crazies and negatives and most if not all of them will find place in this fanfic, some exaggerated, some downplayed. If you feel triggered by these things, run. Run far away and never come back. (Though on a more happy note, that is where the title comes from beyond one of my favorite Steven Universe songs)
Five, I am probably one of the more unreliable narrators out there. I have the attention span of a dead goldfish (I am not saying goldfish have a bad attention span, but I do know dead things do) so I will most likely fail to mention details simply because I don't notice them. And well, me being too focused on texting B.O.B to narrate? Probable.
Six, getting off this island is not as easy for me as it was for Cross. Not just physically or temporally, mentally as well. And I can do quite well in solitary ...
Seven, This Bites is going to be the bane of my existence in this fanfic. Starting off in a position similiar to Cross? Trust me, ain't ending there.
Eight, the only reason this fic isn't called anything related to Murphy's Law is that there already is a fic with that exact name. Murphy is very much present - but to be fair, not only towards me.