Note: Hey everyone! Hope you had a happy 4th. :)

This little fic was the first thing I ever wrote for Star Wars/Reylo. It's a two-parter, so here's the first, and I'll get you the next half in a couple days. It's already written, but the story was removed when I was hacked. It's taken me a while to repost all my stuff, especially this as it's a pwp and I had an agreement with my husband. Now I don't, so I'll be damned if I don't post all my work again.

Also posting this because I need a bit of a pick-me-up since I'm driving over 24 hours alone back to my hometown. Comments/reviews will make me a happier person on this awful and sad day, and will be better company than my motion-sick puppy. :P

Harper, this is for you. For being a wonderful friend and a beautiful person. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. Love you so much.

Rey leaned back in the pilot's seat of the ship she'd stolen and breathed deeply. A part of her was upset that she'd taken advantage of the merchant who'd been delivering goods to Master Luke, but her desperation was so much that she felt it was well worth it.

She set the ship on the course she'd planned after pouring over some old star charts in her Master's study. It was the closest approximation to the pull she'd been feeling recently, and she figured once she arrived in the system she would be able to pinpoint its location a lot more accurately.

It would be a long trip, with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company.

Rey wasn't even sure if her thoughts and emotions were her own anymore; that was the worst part about the last year. Even with all of her training, even with gaining answers to questions about her past, even with meditation, and the calm ocean beside her, and a man to converse with whom she'd learned to respect, and visits from Resistance members, and gaining an immense control over the Force… Rey still felt confused and lost. She was becoming, had become, someone different from who she was before.

She wasn't sure she liked it.

Occasionally Rey would feel flashes of rage, despair, and desire so strong that it was all she could do to hide them from Luke. She wasn't sure she'd been successful, as his eyes would soften in those moments he was nearby, but he never mentioned anything. She was sure he was going easy on her, because Jedi were not supposed to feel emotions in these extremes, or let them take hold of her.

As time progressed, Rey found herself giving in to those emotions more and more often. Just the month before she'd found herself giving in to a bout of rage that had had her tearing her room apart destructively.

The pity she'd seen in Luke's eyes the next morning only made it worse. Even if she'd not known where the rage came from the day before, the flash of anger at the pity in Luke's gaze was entirely her own.

She was sure the emotions swelling inside of her, nearly overwhelming her, were not her own. It had taken a while for her to figure that out, but as time went by she wasn't sure that she wasn't becoming said emotions. She didn't know who she was anymore. She didn't know who was whispering in the back of her mind on occasion, too soft to make out any words; but the emotions were all too clear.

She didn't know who she was anymore, but she had a good idea of who could be responsible.

If she wanted to be a Jedi, if she wanted to prove to Leia that she could avenge Han, if she wanted to avenge Finn, if she wanted to move on with her life… she knew where to start. And all of that necessitated her stealing the merchant ship and going on a little trip.

Rey paused, her mind suddenly blanking.

Avenge? That wasn't very Jedi of her.

She blinked away tears, trying to show a strong face even though no one was around to see her.

She'd found him finally.

Once arriving in the system, Rey had only needed to adjust her heading a couple times before she knew she had his exact location. She had been right; the pulse she was feeling was definitely coming from Kylo Ren. Thoughts and feelings had become clearer the closer she flew, until she'd finally gotten confirmation on who exactly it was that had been plaguing her this long year.

Not that she hadn't already known, deep down.

Even if he hadn't been plaguing her with this connection, their exchanges surrounding the destruction of Starkiller Base had stuck with her. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about him; about everything about him. Even Master Luke hadn't let some of those occasions slide, when he'd caught her in certain compromising moments. He'd even given her that damn lecture on Jedis and sexual desire.

That had just made it all worse.

Lost in her own thoughts, she almost forgot to pull up for the landing on the planet's surface. Her eyes widened at the sight of the field of flowers she'd set down in. She'd never seen so many flowers in her life. Even with getting used to seeing green, growing things and vast stretches of ocean for the last year, the sight of the purple, blue, and yellow flowers made her eyes widen and her breath catch. She would never get used to these sights, it seemed.

Why would a man like Kylo Ren – a Sith in training – come to a place like this to meditate? Because that was exactly what she was feeling through the connection. Peace, of a sort, seemed so unusual coming from his mind. He'd been here more a whole month as well, if she was able to understand her connection well enough.

She shook her head. It was no matter. She'd come here to fight him. To overpower him. Maybe even to kill him.

At the very least, she needed him out of her system.

Cloaking her own thoughts and emotions as best she could, she set off in the direction she'd last felt him.

She'd been able to sneak up on him further than she'd ever been able to with Luke, but he'd still noticed her long before she would have preferred. He never said a word, and she had clamped down on their connection as much as she could so that she couldn't feel or hear anything that way either. His facial expressions were all she had to go on, and those offered very little besides his initial surprise at seeing her when he'd turned around.

Their battle was quick and fierce. He had grown in skill, but she had grown proportionately better. It was still too close for her comfort. By the time she was able to knock him unconscious she and he had both sustained multiple lacerations and burns from their weapons and were breathing in deep gasps.

But now his breaths were shallow as she used the Force to assist her in dragging him to the opposite side of the tree grove where she'd found him. She pulled him into the tree line, away from easy visual spotting, and tied him up against a tree, hands behind his back. She'd removed his weapon, staring at it with a mixture of disgust and awe, before tying it to another tree nearby. Holding both in place with a touch of the Force, she settled in to wait.

Tending her wounds with her medkit, at least enough to stop the flow of blood, she couldn't keep her eyes off of him.

His robe had been removed and was nowhere in sight, but he still wore black in the style of a loose tunic belted at his waist over loose pants, tucked into black combat boots. His hair had fallen over his face, obscuring all but the rounded curve of his strong chin.

But even still, she could picture every plane of his face, the angle of his strong nose, the large ears, the strong eyebrows that were always drawn down in a frown or anger, and his eyes staring back at her…

Oh, no…

Kylo Ren was awake and staring back at her, far sooner than she had expected him to be. She'd only been able to dress half of her wounds, but she shoved the medkit away and leaped back into a crouch, lightsaber blazing in front of her again.

It wasn't until she noticed that Kylo's face was turning blue that she realized she had increased her hold on him with the Force. She let off on it around his throat, and he took deep breaths until his color returned.

Yet during all that, he had held her gaze.

She closed her eyes tightly and a flush crept up her neck, her thoughts briefly touching on all of the explicit dreams she'd had over the past year. Ones she hadn't wanted. Ones she wished she could wake up from, but never could. And yet, for all that, they still affected her so deeply.

And she hated it.

Hated it with a passion that she had never known before – which might not have been entirely hers.

She felt Kylo brush against her mind, broadcasting curiosity and calmness, and suddenly Rey realized that she was an open book once more. She clamped down on her thoughts and glared at Kylo. Even bound and at her mercy, he exuded confidence and poise that she simply loathed.

With four large strides she found herself in front of him, slapping him so hard that his face cracked to the side and her palm print immediately appeared on his fair skin. "That's for not leaving me alone!" she screamed at him, shoulders heaving with the force of her emotions. She clicked off her lightsaber before she could use it to cut down the man in front of her. It felt weird to her touch and nauseated her as she tucked it into its loop at her waist. Shoving that thought aside for later, she returned her attention to her prisoner.

He just stared at her as he slowly moved his head back to face her. A small smirk played on his lips, which only made her angrier. She clenched her fist and took a step away from him again.

She stared at him in silence, reinforcing her mental barriers in a truly crude fashion. She didn't care about the art of the Force right now. She just needed to deal with this man and move on with her life, once and for all. But she couldn't help but wonder if it really was a good idea to have come here in the first place.

He broke the silence first. "You feel it too, don't you, girl?"

Rey clenched her teeth but remained quiet.

He continued to speak as if he weren't bleeding and defeated, held against his will on this deserted planet. His calm made her emotions boil even more, and she tried desperately to remember her meditative techniques. "We have a connection, girl, and I know you can't deny it. The mere fact that you've sought me out speaks volumes."

He pushed against his bonds, exerting minimal effort with the Force to test her hold on him. He settled back instead of fighting her for control, though, and Rey couldn't help but despair at that example of his strength. She tried desperately to regain the upper hand in the conversation.

"You've done this to me. You need to leave me alone, Kylo Ren! I can't become a Jedi with you tainting my mind with your evil thoughts and emotions. I've come here to deal with you in one way or another."

He lifted his eyebrow at her but otherwise let her rant.

"And no! I'm not here because I want you to teach me!" Her voice increased in volume near the end and her eyes widened. "You are ruining me. My emotions are not my own. They're yours. Take them back, damn it," she practically sobbed.

"Feeling such potent emotions is addictive, is it not?" he replied evenly, still calm and in control as he watched her break apart in front of him. "Admit it, you have never felt as alive as you have with these emotions running through you. Those Jedi wish to subjugate you, to neuter you of your soul; of what makes you, you."

Rey stared at him. Damn it, he was right. But he also… wasn't right. There had to be a middle ground somewhere, where she could do the right things and still be her.

"And the Sith way makes you carve out every piece of your soul and lay it before the altar in the name of purging all Light from within!" she hissed at him, completely riled up at him now. She took another step towards him, and crouched down to stare him in the face. "That's exactly what you did when you killed your father. You murdered him… Ben." His name was practically spat into his face, she had gotten so close… so angry.

She could see her rage mirrored on his own face, suddenly. He tossed his hair out of his eyes and glared at her, his emotions lashing out at her through her quickly crumbling mental block. Beads of sweat started to gather on her brow as she felt him struggle with her hold on him with the Force. She stared wide-eyed at him as she tried to regain control of his restraints, while trying – and failing – to hold against the force of his emotions. They bounced around inside of her head, mixing with her own, multiplying until she had no idea what was hers and what was his.

"You don't know anything about me, girl," he bit off.

She stared him down even as she battled with her emotional turmoil. His emotional turmoil. "I know that I am nothing like you," she rebutted, gritting her teeth.

A new emotion sparked inside of her. New to this moment, though not necessarily new to her in the last year. Especially not with thoughts of him occupying her mind.

He felt desire for her. Obviously it turned him on when she was angry with him.

However, Rey wasn't ready for the absolute depth of it filling her mind, most of it his… but some of it was hers. Although it was mixed with disgust, the desire and passion and rage and hate was so immense, that she was in danger of being swept away in it.

She needed to regain control of the situation. She needed to make him pay.

Leaning forward, she smashed her lips against his without warning. She was desperate to do anything to regain control; to make him quiet; to deal with him, finally.

"Get out of my head!" she hissed, then bit his lip so hard that it bled.

She'd show him.

Burning with the force of her emotions roiling about inside her, she hardly noticed his shocked eyes and the way he moved his lips against hers after a moment of hesitation. She was too busy taking her rage out on him. Her rage at making her feel… at ruining her training… at ruining her life.

She'd show him.