House of Love

"I don't know why I couldn't go to the new house with daddy," Ava slammed herself down in a chair.

Denise stared at her granddaughter. Ava knew by the look on her grandmother's face she was about to be corrected for slamming things.

"It's my house too. I should be there," Ava said before Denise could correct her.

"Honey, they are moving things around. You would be in the way if you were there."

"But Teddy is not in the way."

"He is helping them move. You don't want to have to lift all of those heavy boxes."

"He is not even that strong."

Denise wanted to laugh at her granddaughter but she could tell Ava was seriously upset about not getting to go set up the new house with her dad and older siblings.

"If you were with them, who would help me with Oliver?"

"You raised dad. I think you can handle Ollie."

Denise smiled at her. Ava was really too smart for her own good. She didn't know about her granddaughter sometimes. At her best, Ava was smart, energetic kid who loved to be the center of attention and make people laugh. She loved performing; whether it was singing, dancing, gymnastics, or telling a joke, as long as she could entertain people, Ava was happy. But then there was the other side of Ava that had been showing itself recently. The side came off as bratty and attention seeking. The side that liked to debate at almost every turn and act out whenever she didn't get her way on the simplest things.

Oliver on the other hand was the complete opposite of Ava, actually he didn't act like any of her other grandchildren. He was a shy, mild mannered little boy who was a joy to be around. He was smart and even at just three years old, he loved reading, well being read to and he had recently started learning to spell small words. From what Denise could tell, Oliver seemed to take after his mother more. Olivia wasn't shy by any means but she did have the tendency to be silent and observe.

"Do you want to call your mom?"

Ava nodded.

Denise walked into the kitchen and grabbed her cell phone off of the counter. She dialed the main number to the hospital and when she reached the information desk, she gave Olivia's name to be transferred to her room. Denise handed the phone to Ava before leaving the room to go check on her grandson.

"Hey mommy!" Ava's voice cheered up the moment she heard her mom's voice.

"Hey baby."

"I miss you. When are you coming home?"

"In three days."

"That's too long," Ava sighed.

Olivia exhaled deeply. She missed her kids. She wanted to be home with them and hearing daughter say she missed her too was hard.

"What are you doing? How has your day been going?" Olivia asked.

"Slow and boring. I'm here with grandma Denise."

"Where's your dad?"

"He went to the store," Ava lied.

"Oh."

"How's the baby?"

"She's good. The doctors say she is getting better every day."

"Are you with her now?"

"No. She doesn't get to stay with me yet because the doctors are watching her."

Olivia felt a sadness rise up in her. She had been trying to suppress it but every time she thought about how her daughter was a whole floor away from her made her sad. She was stuck in a hospital room away from her kids and Olivia hated it.

"Talk to me. What's been going on with you?" Olivia asked, deciding to push away her sadness and focus on her daughter.

"Sara and Kennedy were fighting over me."

"Why?"

"We are having best friend week at school and both of them were arguing about who is my best friend. They want me to choose but I told them that best friend isn't a person, it's a tier."

Olivia smiled at Ava's reference to The Mindy Project. It was one of the shows that they binged watched together because Ava loved Mindy Kaling after hearing her voice in the movie Inside Out.

"Did you tell them that they are both your best friends?"

"No. Dad said I should wait it out. Weigh my options. Something about healthy competition."

"That sounds a little mean."

"It's mean for them to try to make me pick between them. So I'm teaching them a lesson and helping them to grow as people."

"Where do you even come from?" Olivia laughed.

Her daughter was too much but she needed the laugh that talking to her provided.

It had taken Olivia a little bit of time to work up the courage to go upstairs and see Harper. It was tough, both physically and mentally. Her body was still recovering and every time she looked at her baby she felt joy, followed by sadness because she couldn't physically be with her for more than a couple hours a day. Every time that Olivia had to leave Harper in the NICU, it felt like a gut punch and a stab to the heart all at once.

Despite being one of the healthier premature babies, Harper still was having a problem with her breathing and she wasn't able to take a bottle yet on her own. It hadn't been said but Olivia knew that if Harper wasn't able to eat on her own, she wouldn't get to come home with her.

As if the nurse in the room could read her mind, she said, "She's doing much better, Mrs. Grant."

Olivia gave a weak smile. She was honestly tired of people tiptoeing around her feelings and out right lying to her by telling her that Harper was doing better when it didn't seem like it.

"She drank a little bit more than usual today."

"But not enough," Olivia mumbled.

"What was that?" the nurse asked.

"Nothing."

"Small progress is better than no progress."

Olivia nodded but said nothing else.

"Do you want to hold her?"

Olivia thought it was a stupid question. Of course she wanted to hold her daughter. She only got to be with her a few hours out of the day.

"Am I allowed?"

Her tone was dripping with sarcasm. Olivia knew that she was being rude but she didn't care. She was annoyed with the stupidity of this whole situation, the intrusion of the nurse's presence on her time with her daughter.

The nurse had dealt with her share of moody mothers so she didn't take Olivia's attitude personal.

Olivia felt a hand on the small of her back. Before she could turn around, Olivia heard the nurse speak to her husband, "Hello Dr. Grant."

"Jeanine," he greeted, "I can take it from here."

Jeanine nodded and smiled before leaving them alone in the room.

"I think you have some of the nurses here a little scared of you."

She turned and faced him, "I haven't done anything."

"You have your ways. Besides the look on your face is a dead giveaway."

Olivia ignored his comment and turned back to her baby.

"Jeanine is cool."

"I don't care."

She carefully picked her up and took a seat in the rocking chair next to the crib.

Fitz watched her demeanor change as she talked to Harper. He could just tell how much being with their daughter calmed her.

"I talked with Dr. Samuels today. He said you get to go home tomorrow. A whole day early."

"And what about Harper?"

"She's going to have to stay a little while longer."

"I can't leave her."

"Liv, you knew this day was coming."

Fitz had said the wrong thing. He had seen that look on her face before. It was a mix of disgust, anger, and disbelief.

"Don't do that. Don't act all nonchalant like leaving our baby in the hospital is an easy thing."

"I didn't say it was easy. I'm sorry if it came off that way. This is one of the hardest things you will have to endure as the mother of a preemie," he moved over to her, "But it is a necessary, normal thing that happens. Until the baby is healthy enough for the parents to properly care for them, they normally have to stay in the hospital."

Olivia knew he was right but that didn't stop her from dreading the day she would be going home without her daughter.

"Her daddy is a doctor so I'm pretty sure we can properly take care of her," Olivia was only half serious.

Fitz smiled at her.

"We are waiting for some equipment and for her to be able to take a full bottle before she can come home."

"What equipment?"

"A home apnea monitor." Her questioning expression made him continue, "Harper has apnea of prematurity."

"What is that?"

"A form of sleep apnea seen in preemies. The baby will stop breathing for fifteen to twenty seconds during sleep."

"She stops breathing in her sleep?"

Fitz nodded.

"Is she…is she going to…"

Olivia couldn't utter the words but Fitz knew what she was asking.

"No. She's not going to die."

"She stops breathing in her sleep. She could…"

"Harper is not going to die."

Olivia looked down at her daughter. Fitz grabbed her hand and Olivia looked him.

"Do you see that machine right there?"

Olivia looked at the machine he pointed at.

"That is a cardiorespiratory monitor. It tracks her heart rate and an alarm will go off if she is not breathing. When the alarms go off, a nurse immediately comes in and checks the baby for any signs of distress."

Olivia must have really been out of it. She couldn't recall anyone updating her on Harper's condition. The last few days all felt like a blur. She had to pull it together, for her sanity and her daughter.

"When did all of this start?"

"We've been monitoring her breathing since the beginning. It was shallow for a while and Dr. Samuels ran test before diagnosing her with apnea of prematurity two days ago."

Olivia didn't have the energy to question why she was the last to be updated about her daughter's condition. She knew it was probably Fitz's doing.

"The home monitor is more of precaution for the parents' peace of mind. As she gets older the sleep apnea will go away on its own," Fitz continued.

Olivia nodded.

"You okay with all this?"

"I'm going to have to be."

"Do you have any questions?"

She shook her head.

"I know it's a lot—"

"I trust you, Fitz. It is a lot to take in but this is your area of expertise. I trust your knowledge of this whole process more than I trust my emotions which are all over the place right now."

"Thank you for trusting me," Fitz brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it.

"How long are you going to be in New York?"

"At least three weeks maybe more. I'm visiting family," Jerry slowed his car down as he searched for a parking spot.

"I want to see you."

"You just saw me last week."

"And I want to see you again."

Jerry shook his head and chuckled, "Don't be so clingy, Sam."

"Don't make me catch a flight to fight you, Four."

Jerry smiled hearing the nickname Samantha had given him. She had commented how pretentious his name sounded being that he was a fourth. Instead of calling him Jerry, most of the time Sam called him Four.

"That's what you want to do anyway."

"I'm waiting on an invite."

"And you'll continue to wait," Jerry said, half joking. He really had no intentions of inviting her to come visit him and his family but he wasn't opposed to her coming. There was just a lot going on right now. Olivia and his newborn sister were still in the hospital. They were partially moved into the new family home. His bedroom wasn't even set up yet so Jerry didn't know where he was sleeping, he couldn't say if they had the space for a house guest.

"I'm being serious and you're making me beg you for a place to stay," the sound of her voice told him that she was serious.

Jerry had met Samantha Collins two years ago through mutual friends. She was feisty, energetic, opinionated, and honest. All of which had Jerry enthralled with her. They had been friends for a while and over the course of the last semester, things seemed to shift. They flirted more with each other and she was giving him vibe like she wanted to move their friendship into a new territory.

"You know you don't have to beg. If you want to come, then come," Jerry pulled into a parking spot, "It's just a lot is up in the air right now. I was planning on staying with my dad and stepmom since they probably need my help with my younger siblings. My stepmom is in the hospital because she gave birth to my baby sister a week ago."

"You're twenty-one and your dad is still making babies?"

"Yeah, second marriage. Second set of kids. We're pretty spaced out here."

"How many of you guys are there?"

"Six. With four of the six being under ten years old."

"Wow, your dad has been busy."

"I didn't need that visual."

"I'm sorry," she laughed.

Jerry was happy to hear her tone return to the lightness it normally held.

"You should come visit. I would love to have you," he said before quickly adding, "I will warn you that we just moved into a new house a few days ago so everything isn't really unpacked yet. But I have a room at my mom's place if you have a problem sleeping in an unfurnished room."

"Beggars can't be choosey."

He grabbed his bag off of the passenger seat and got out of his car.

"When is your flight?" Jerry took a wild guess but knowing her, he knew that she had probably already brought her plane ticket.

"Thursday," she let out a nervous chuckle, "I swear I'm not trying to be clingy. I just can't stay in this house with my parents. You don't have to babysit me while I'm in town."

"Oh, you're not getting rid of me. You wanted to visit so we're going to visit. We are going to be tourist in the city together."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For always being there for me and not judging my impulsive tendencies."

"No need for thanks. Showing up for someone you care about is the bare minimum."

Jerry used his key to unlock the door and went inside.

"Hi daddy," came a small voice from behind him the moment that he shut the front door.

When Jerry turned around, Ava looked disappointed.

"Oh, Jerry, it's you."

"Don't sound so excited to see me," Jerry said.

Ava smiled at him as she walked over to him. Just like when she was a little younger, Ava held her arms up and Jerry picked her up.

She threw her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "I am happy to see you. I was just waiting for daddy."

"By yourself."

She nodded.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," Sam said when it was apparent Jerry's attention was elsewhere.

Jerry had momentarily forgotten that he was on the phone. He said his goodbyes and then hung up.

"Who was that?" Ava asked.

"My friend."

"Your girlfriend?"

"Just my friend," Jerry put her down, "You shouldn't be down here by yourself."

"I can't sleep in this house without mommy and daddy."

"I don't think dad and Liv would want you missing sleep over them."

"I don't like it here. We shouldn't have left the old house with mommy still in the hospital. How will she know where to come home to?"

"Dad's going to bring her home."

"But will she be mad that we left the old house without telling her."

"They brought the house so they were planning on moving in anyway.

"I guess you're right."

"Come on," Jerry reached out his hand for her to grab it, "Time for you to go to bed."

"Harper, my beautiful, precious little gift from God. You've been in my life for a week and you've already stolen my heart. I love you more than words can explain," she stroked her daughter's hair as she talked to her, "Mommy is so sorry that she has to leave you here. I'm sorry that my body wasn't strong enough for you to be born healthy. I feel like I failed you."

Olivia wiped away a fallen tear. She had told herself she wasn't going to cry. The day had finally come for Olivia to go home, and even though Fitz had explained their daughter's condition and why Harper needed to stay a little while longer, it wasn't easy to leave her daughter.

Right now the hospital was the safest place for her daughter to be. Olivia tried to keep that in mind as she prepared to do what felt like the impossible.

"I'm going to try to be as strong as you are. I'm going to go home, see your sisters and brothers, and we are going to get ready for you to come home," Olivia continued talking to Harper. She knew her daughter couldn't understand a word of what she was saying but Olivia needed to say the words, she needed to hear those words. Maybe it would help her head and heart get aligned so that she could be fully functioning for her family.

"I'm going to visit you every day."

"You can't forget that you're healing as well and you need to take it easy," Dr. Samuels said making his presence known. "You weren't in your room so I figured you would be here."

He pulled up a seat and sat down in front of her.

"I have your discharge papers. We need to discuss your healing process and any questions you may have about yourself and the care of your baby."

He glanced down at the papers, skimming over them as he began to tell her about her recovery.

"It can take up to eight weeks for you to get back into your normal routine. Take extra care in getting around while you heal. Avoid going up and down stairs if you can. Don't lift anything heavier than your baby. If you have to sneeze or cough, hold your abdomen to protect the incision site."

Olivia listened as he rattled off things she needed to know about her at home recovery.

"Avoid sex, tampons, and douching until after your six week checkup. Avoid strenuous exercise but do take gentle walks as often as you can. The movement will help your body heal and prevent constipation and blood clots," he looked up from her discharge papers.

"Am I going too fast?"

"Nope."

"Do you have any questions?"

"None that I can think of at the moment."

Dr. Samuels stared at her for a moment before saying, "It's a long journey but I want you to know that we are here to help you and Harper get through this. If you need to talk to someone we have a whole team of amazing doctors waiting to be of assistance to you."

He stared at her as if he was waiting for her to say something. When she didn't, he added, "I just need your signature on these and you will officially be released from the hospital."

Fitz shut off the car and glanced over at Olivia.

"Welcome home."

Olivia stared at the front door of their new place but said nothing.

"What's on your mind?"

"You moved us in."

"We're not fully unpacked yet but it's livable. I thought it would be easier on you if you didn't have to worry about packing up the old house and moving into this one. This way we are a little settled in for when Harper comes home."

Olivia didn't know what to say or think. It was a nice gesture but totally unexpected. She had only been gone a week. She couldn't believe how so much had changed in her life in seven days. It didn't feel like this was her home.

Olivia went to open her car door.

"I got it," Fitz hurriedly got out of the car and walked around to her side so he could help her out of the car.

Olivia wanted to tell him that she didn't need his assistance getting out of the car but she knew he was just trying to take care of her so she let him.

They walked up to the front door and Fitz opened it, letting Olivia walk in first.

"Welcome home, mommy!"

Olivia was barely in the door when Ava came running up to her up with open arms. She felt a slight bit of discomfort as her daughter hugged her tight.

"Careful, Ava," Fitz said when he caught Olivia wince.

"It's fine."

Olivia didn't want to be handled like she was a fragile.

"Did you see your banner, mommy? I made it and Ollie helped a little."

"It's beautiful."

The welcome home banner was the first thing Olivia noticed when she walked in.

Olivia's hand instinctively went to her abdomen as she knelt down so she could greet her son.

"Let me guess, the red and yellow lightning bolts are from you."

Ollie nodded.

"Team Flash to help you get home really fast."

He seemed so proud of himself and that made Olivia smile.

Olivia held her arms open and Oliver walked into her arms.

"I missed you," she hugged and kissed him all over his face until he giggled.

"That's enough kisses, mommy," he managed to say in between his giggles.

"Okay," Olivia released him and stood up slowly.

"You good?" Fitz asked.

"Perfectly fine."

"Good to have you home, Liv," Teddy said.

"Good to be home."

Olivia stepped further into the house and took in the décor. There was brand new everything. The walls in the living room had been painted navy blue. All the furniture was different shades of gray. The rug on the floor was navy blue and white. Everything in the room seemed so dark, or maybe it was just Olivia's mood that kept her from appreciating all the work that had been done to get the room prepared.

"Where's the baby?" Ollie asked.

If looks could kill, Oliver would be dead from the look that Ava gave him.

"What? You said when mommy gets home from the hospital, I was going to be a big brother but there is no baby," he tried to whisper.

Olivia actually found it adorable. Ollie reminded her so much of Teddy when he was younger. They both had this really innocent caring side to them and they were just trying to understand the world around them.

"You are still a big brother. The baby just had to stay at the hospital a little longer," Teddy explained to him.

Olivia smiled at Teddy.

"I finally have my own room! Do you want to see it?" Ava said excitedly.

"Maybe you can let your mom get in the house and sit down a little first."

"I've been in bed all week. I can walk around a little," Olivia interjected. Turning to Ava, Olivia said, "So tour guide, we're starting with your room."

The look of pure joy on Ava's face helped to settle any doubts that Olivia was feeling. Olivia was home and surrounded by people who loved her.

"Come on. We can take the elevator," Ava grabbed her mother's hand and led her away.

THREE DAYS LATER

"Hello," Olivia called out so that someone would know she was there.

'Where was here?' She thought as she walked down the long hallway. Olivia didn't know where she was or how she got there but she didn't feel like she was in danger so she kept walking.
"Is anyone here?" She called out but was met with more silence.

'This is exactly how people die in horror movies,' she thought as stopped walking to take in her surroundings. She really shouldn't have been in a strange place all alone.

'How the hell did I get here,' Olivia decided to turn around and head back in the direction she had been coming from. Better safe than sorry. She had made it halfway back down the hall when she heard the sound of children laughing and playing.

Olivia followed the sound of the children.

"Mommy, the baby is so pretty," Oliver appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

"What?" She looked down at him.

"Harper is so pretty, mommy," he said before running off.

"Ollie, come back here," Olivia ran after him.

Oliver ran into a room and Olivia followed behind him.

Before he could get away, Olivia gripped him up and made him look at her, "Oliver Thomas Grant, you know you are not supposed to run off by yourself."

"Ow. You're hurting me."

Olivia loosened her grip.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you. You can't run off by yourself. When I call you, you have to come back. You can get hurt like that."

"I'm not by myself."

Olivia looked over and saw Ava with a baby that looked like an older version of Harper standing by an indoor pool. The baby had to be about seven months old.

"What is happening right now?" Olivia said lowly.

"Mom, why are you acting so weird?" Ava asked.

"Are you okay?" Ollie asked.

Olivia looked back and forth between her children.

'Where the hell are we?' Olivia thought as she looked around. Nothing looked familiar and the sudden appearance of her children had her on high alert.

"We need to go."

"Mom, do you want to see a trick?"

"No. We have to go."

"Look at Harper swim."

Olivia looked just in time to see Harper go into the water.

"NO!" Olivia screamed as she ran over to the pool. Without a second thought, she jumped in to get her daughter. Olivia swam to the bottom of the pool and searched frantically for Harper but she was nowhere to be found in the water.

Olivia started to panic when she couldn't find her baby. She continued to look for Harper until she felt a burning sensation in her throat. Olivia needed to come up for air but her daughter, she couldn't leave her.

Olivia continued to search for her daughter until she could no longer hold her breath. She swam up to the top, gasping for air. Her heart was racing and after a few seconds, she was about to go back under when she heard her daughters voice.

"Cool trick, right mommy?"

Then she saw them. All three of her kids were on the side of the pool staring at her.

"Harper is a good swimmer like you, mommy."

Olivia tried to get out of the water but it was like her foot was caught on something. The harder she tried to get out the pool, the harder it was for her to move. Seconds passed and then Olivia felt herself being pulled under.

Olivia's eyes shot open and it took a few moments for her to realize where she was at. It was dream. But it felt real. Her heart was racing and she felt like she couldn't breathe. Olivia tried to calm her breathing but she couldn't quite catch her breath. It felt like someone was sitting on her chest.

She placed her hand over her heart in an attempt to stop it from racing. Closing her eyes, Olivia tried to focus on her breathing like she had learned in yoga. She patted on her chest as she counted backwards from ten. Olivia repeated this action until her breathing came back to normal.

Olivia opened her eyes letting out a heavy sigh. It was just a terrible dream.

"Are you okay?"

Fitz groggy voice penetrated through the darkness of the room, catching Olivia off guard.

"Yeah," she said lowly. "Go back to sleep."

Olivia felt the bed move and she knew that he wasn't going back to sleep.

Fitz sat up, turning on the lamp on his bedside table. Turning to look at her, he stared at her for a long moment without saying anything.

"What?"

"Are you okay?" He asked her again.

"I'm fine," she said unconvincingly. "Am I not acting okay?"

Fitz didn't answer her question. His silence made her uncomfortable.

"I had a bad dream," Olivia finally said.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head just before the first tear fell down her face. Olivia didn't know if she was trying to shake away the tears or tell Fitz that she wasn't okay. Maybe it was both.

"Come here," Fitz moved closer to her and she shook her head again.

"I'm fine," Olivia spoke more sternly but it was clear that she wasn't fine.

"No, you're not. People who are 'fine' don't just burst into tears."

"My emotions are all over the place," she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Talk to me about it. Work it out with me."

Something in Olivia softened in that moment. Fitz was trying to be there for her and she just had to let him.

"My dream or in general?"

"Both. I can't help if I don't what's going on."

"In my dream I was in this strange place. It felt familiar, like I was safe there but I didn't know where I was. Then I heard children laugh. I saw Ollie and he ran away from me," Olivia paused as she was trying to piece together the parts of her dream, "I chase him into this room that has an indoor pool. I am telling him how he is never supposed to run off by himself and away from me. He tells me that he is not alone and points to Ava and Harper. But Harper older and for some reason I feel like we need to leave this strange place. I'm on high alert because the kids are with me now."

Olivia pauses and looks at Fitz. He is listening intently and nods for her to continue.

"So I'm trying to get them to come with me but they don't because I guess I'm looking like a mad woman to them. Ava asked me if I wanted to see a trick? I said no and I'm telling them to come on because for some reason, I'm in a full panic now. This strange place is suddenly dangerous because I have them with me. Ava says something about seeing Harper swim and the next thing I know, she's in the water. I go in after but I can't find her anywhere in the pool. I can't breathe," Olivia's voice cracked, "I came up for air. I left her," tears fell down Olivia's face and she started to feel like she couldn't breathe again.

Fitz pulled her to him, "Breathe baby."

He rubbed circles on lower back to help calm her down.

"I left her," Olivia said when she was able to speak again.

"You said she wasn't in the pool."

"I saw her go in but I couldn't find her."

"Then what happened?"

"I came up for air but I kept being pulled back down into the water. One of the times that I tried to come up, I saw all three kids standing by the pool looking at me, then I tried to get to them but I couldn't get out of the water. As I was being pulled down, you were there with all of the kids. I stopped trying to get to the top and the last thing I remember is everyone watching me drown."

Fitz wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I'm sorry that I'm such a mess right now."

"You don't ever have to apologize for that."

Olivia wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. She craved his touched.

"Can you hold me?" She asked timidly.

Fitz positioned himself so that Olivia was laying on top of him. His arms engulfed her and they laid there in silence for a long while.

"It's the house," Fitz broke the silence between them after a few minutes, "The familiar but strange place in your dream."

Olivia looked up at him.

"Harper is older because you feel like you are losing time with her not being here. The fear of the unknown makes it impossible to do the thing that you know you can do, and that is overwhelming. That's the whole swimming pool and drowning part of your dream."

"Wow. You just thought that up, right then and there?"

"I listen to you and I know you. So a good 87% of the time, I know where your head is at."

"Well it's a good thing you know where my head is at because I feel like I'm losing it a little. I'm tired of crying and being sad."

"Do you think you need to talk to someone?"

Olivia shrugged.

"I think you should talk to someone. You're clearly not going to talk to me about it. It's not good to bottle up things. Talking to someone will be good. We can make sure you are not going through postpartum depression."

Olivia nodded in agreement.

"I want to talk to you."

"But?"

"Everything sounds bad in my head."

"You know that I'm not going to judge anything you say."

"I know," suddenly she felt vulnerable and exposed. It was an odd feeling considering, Fitz had seen at her worse and loved her anyway. Olivia could only chalk her feelings up to all her hormones.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For everything. I'm trying to say thank you for everything. The house, waking up to listen to my bad dream and talking me off of the ledge, putting up with me and my mood swings these last few days. Thank you for everything."

"You don't have to thank me."

"I do. I haven't been myself and I know that you put a lot of work and time into getting things perfect for the baby and me and I just want you to know that I appreciate everything that you did. It took a lot to work and pull this off while still visiting me and taking care of the kids."

"Really, Livvie, I just did what I was supposed to do and took care of my family."

Olivia leaned up and kissed him on the lips, "You're perfect. What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"You loved me and put up with my shit."

Olivia gave him a little smile.

Before she could overthink it, Olivia just start saying what was on her mind.

"I had a baby before I was supposed to have a baby. She was literally cut out of my stomach. I didn't get to bring her into this world. She was taken from me and it feels like she is still being taken from me. I'm home and she is not here. It doesn't feel right. A part of me is missing and I can't function."

Fitz didn't have the right words to comfort her. Being a man, he didn't know what she was going through. All the medical terminology and reassurance didn't feel like it would be enough. So instead of saying anything, he held her tighter.

She appreciated his embrace.

"I think I should talk to someone too."

"I'll call someone."

ONE WEEK LATER

Fitz had set up an appointment for Olivia to talk to someone about the way she was feeling. After a few days of running test and taking surveys, Olivia was finally sitting down with Dr. Lara Wilson.

Olivia was no stranger to therapy. She had been to enough session in her adult life to know how this all works. But this time she was actually nervous. Olivia prayed that whatever she was going through was just temporary nerves and worries about Harper and not something more serious like postpartum depression.

"We can start whenever you're ready."

Olivia made eye contact with Dr. Wilson and gave a subtle nod. Glancing over at the clock, Olivia saw that they had been sitting in silence for eight minutes. 'It was now or never,' she told herself as she mentally prepared herself to open up her soul to this complete stranger.

"Everything in the last few weeks seem to be happening really fast and I'm having a hard time adjusting."

"Since you had the baby or since you went home?"

"Both. I think...having my daughter early just kind of shook everything up in my life."

"Is this your first child?"

"No. My third. Completely unplanned. Well technically none of my children were planned but this one was a complete shock."

"How was your pregnancy?"

"It was fine."

"No health concerns?"

"No."

"You said this pregnancy was unplanned. How did you feel about it?"

Olivia shrugged, "I felt pregnant. I don't know."

"Were you happy? Sad? Upset? After the shock wore off, how did you feel?"

"Overwhelmed," she answered honestly. "My kids are three and four. They're potty trained, they can talk and tell you what's wrong with them. You can sit them down in a room with a book or an iPad and they will be fine. They have older siblings that are six to eighteen years older than them so they are very mature for their age. But a baby is work, carrying a baby is work. And I already have a full time job on top of being full time mom. I didn't need any more work on my plate."

"Did you ever talk to anyone about feeling overwhelmed?"

"Not really. I took the test with my husband and I cried when I found out I was pregnant. I never came out and said I was overwhelmed but I broke down in front of my mother once."

"How did your husband react to your tears?"

"Same way he always reacts. He told that everything was going to be fine and we were going to get through this like we have gotten through everything else."

"Did it make you feel better?"

"For a while it did."

"And then what changed?"

"We were looking for a new house. Everything was happening at once and I started to stress about things?"

"Is this around the time you broke down with your mom? Or was that a different time?"

"It was the same time. I was five months pregnant and we were having a hard time finding a house and I was stressed. I just cried like a baby. I told her…," Olivia stopped herself because it was hard to say the words out loud.

"What did you tell her."

"I told her I didn't want a baby. I didn't want a new house. I didn't want to deal with any of the stuff that was spilling off of my already full plate."

Dr. Wilson paused momentarily, not having a follow up question.

"Sounds like you live a very full but stressful life."

"Yeah, you can say that."

"There was a slight shift in your demeanor. What changed just now?"

"I feel like I did this to my daughter. I didn't want another kid. I have a girl and a boy. I was set with the perfect pair. Then I get pregnant. I actually said out loud that I didn't want her. By the time I said that, I had heard her heartbeat, I knew her sex, and those feelings were still there. I did this to her."

"No, you didn't. Your daughter came into this world because it was her time. Not because of anything you said or thought."

Dr. Wilson looked down at the folder on her desk.

"How do you feel about your daughter now that she is here?"

"I love her with all my heart. I can't imagine my world without her. I'm completely scared out of my mind but also excited about bringing her home."

Looking up from her folder, Dr. Wilson said, "So the good news is that based off of your test results and speaking with you today, I don't feel like you have postpartum depression."

"I'm waiting for the but."

"You have the potential to get there. Right now you are dealing with what we call postpartum baby blues. It could be caused by a number of reasons. Your birth didn't go as planned, you didn't get to take your daughter home with you, you being worried about your baby, all can be a factor."

"When will this feeling go away?"

"It could last a few weeks. The real test for you will be once your baby is home. If the feeling last for more than a few weeks with your baby home, we could be looking at a case of postpartum depression. It is really a matter of how well you manage your stress and lean on others for help. Feeling overwhelmed is bound to happen but you can try to minimize those feelings but allowing others to help you and talking about what you are feeling. You can't isolate yourself because isolation can lead you down a road that we are trying to avoid."

Olivia was taking in all that Dr. Wilson was telling her. Just getting her fears and feelings out there made it feel like a great weight had been lifted off of her shoulders.

"I want to follow up with you in two weeks to see how you are doing and then we can go from there."

Dr. Wilson scheduled Olivia for a follow up appointment and gave her some assignments to try at home so that they could have a starting point for the next time they met.

After Olivia left Dr. Wilson's office, she went to go see her daughter.

When she made it to the NICU, she found Fitz sitting a rocking chair with Harper in his arms.

"Aren't you supposed to be working?" Olivia jokingly said as she walked into the room.

"Perks of being the boss, I guess," he looked up from Harper and asked, "How did it go?"

"Good. I have a case of the baby blues. I need to find a way to manage my stress and communicate more because isolating while feeling overwhelmed can lead to depression. She says the real test will be how I manage when the baby is home. We're meeting again in two weeks."

Olivia couldn't read Fitz's face. He stared at her with his lopsided grin and she wondered what she had said that inspired that look.

"What is that look on your face?"

Fitz motioned towards some papers that were on a table behind Olivia. Olivia picked up the papers and looked over them.

"Dr. Wilson almost spilled the beans before I could tell you."

Olivia skimmed over the papers. Harper increased her weight by almost two pounds and had been successfully taking a bottle on her own for the last four days. She read the words, 'Instructions for care at home' several times before looking over at Fitz, "Is this…"

Fitz nodded and looked down at his daughter, "This little one is coming home today."

A/N: I know. It's been forever but life has been happening. I graduated last year & spent a few months looking for jobs in my field but then I ended up getting a retail job as my second job back in December. I went from working 28 hours a week at one job to working about 65-70 between two jobs. I had no time to write even when I wanted to. So over the last couple of months, I wrote a little and this update is what I came up with. I struggled to write this because both jobs kept me busy to the point that I found it hard to write. I put in my two weeks notice at my retail job because working in retail sucks & I want to focus my energy on finding a job in my field. I'm trying to get back to writing because writing really is my stress reliever.

I really hope this chapter was at least a little bit enjoyable. I'm not a mom but I tried to capture the up and down feelings and fears that someone would be going through after giving birth to a premature baby. The next chapter will be a time jump so I can get back to the good that is this version of Olitz.