Two Shot Story: Cock-Blocking and Boner-Killing

Warning: Honestly... If the title didn't scare you away there is really nothing I could warn you about.

First Shot: Cock-Blocking

"Hope you enjoy your vacation at Iceberg Royal Accommodations where you are always welcomed home."

The clerk smiled, handing Lucy a keycard. The blonde arched a brow at the cliché motto for the hotel where her and Natsu were staying. The two were on a mission, which promised to be their most outrageous and random yet. Sorcerer Weekly had paired different teams up in a scavenger hunt that would encompensate the entire Ishgar realm.

The ten partnered competitors chosen were: Wendy – Chelia; Sting – Rogue; Natsu – Lucy;, Laxus – Freed; Lyon – Gray; Mira – Elfman; Gajeel – Juvia; Cana – Bacchus; Minerva – Yukino; Kagura – Erza.

Natsu and Lucy's first item was the feather of a bird that lived high atop the peaks of Vasilissa, a mountain range in Pergrande. After traveling all morning on a train through Se-Ven, they had marched across white hills to a small mining village in Iceberg. Natsu had grumbled that the whole area reeked of ice magic. He had been a pain in the ass all day from the motion sickness on the train to later his constant complaints about the weather. Just as the sun was setting, Lucy finally lost it, demanding they both needed a break from being outside by acquiring a local room for the night.

Honestly, the celestial mage was happy when he agreed, having no wish to camp in the snow.

"Now where did he go?" The girl glanced around, wishing she had a slayer's nose to track him when she discovered her partner missing. Sighing deeply, Lucy grabbed her pink suitcase noticing that Natsu's backpack had disappeared with him. The blonde mage headed toward the cafeteria thinking he would be hungry after their travel and attracted to whatever they were cooking in there. Sweeping her eyes around the diners, she could not find a trace of anyone with pink hair, much less a male with spikey pink hair.

"Where is he? I want to take a bath!" She frowned around the hotel. Tourists noticing her dark look kept their distance from her. She unzipped her fur trimmed purple parka before shrugging it off. Between the warmth of the room and her newfound spark of anger, she was getting hot.

Suddenly, the blonde heard from somewhere in the direction of the pool, "Lug Nuts! Ice Dick! Are you stalking us?!"

Gray's voice rose as he scoffed, "Please. As if we would ever stalk your ass. We are here for the feather of Vasilissa."

Natsu shouted indignant, "Come to steal our items? I knew you were dishonest but this is a new low!"

"Fancy accusations. Quit your whining Salamander and fight me." Gajeel roared before the sounds of bodies hitting echoed over through the room. The crowd began to scatter as people found reasons to leave the lobby or dive for cover.

Lucy groaned, knowing from experience where those words would lead. Walking forward with a tilt of her head, she followed the sound of her partner's voice. Finally, she discovered him in a three way brawl with Gajeel and Gray in an enclosed pool area made of glass. Or ice. Lucy was not sure which since it wasn't melting, but she sensed a power similar to Gray's.

Slightly ducking as a pool net was thrown like a javelin toward the door, she was tempted to start yelling at them, but stopped seeing a pack of girls gathering around the pool's edge, no doubt because two out of the three boys had their shirts off.

Those idiots better be glad, Erza is not around, the girl thought folding her arms over her chest as her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. This was a normal occurrence for the three but she was surprised they were here. Gajeel and Gray should be searching for their own items. According to the rules of the game, the first item was different for every group. Then after that each treasures on the list was fair game for the remainder of the hunt. She grew sick with worry at the thought that Gray and Gajeel might have already found their first item and were now onto their second. With her deep pondering over the appearance of her guildmates, Lucy failed to see a certain small, blue-haired girl sneak up on her until she cried, "Lu-chan!"

Panicking, the blonde turned to see her friend smiling with Pantherlily in her arms. Levy wore a cute orange swimsuit with a yellow cover up tied to her side. Lucy was going to have to ask where she got her sandals too when she got done being shocked.

"What are you doing here?" Lucy racked her brain trying to remember if someone had mentioned to her that all the teams would be visiting this hotel, but then she remembered that Levy was not on a team.

Lips curving into a sneaky grin, Levy announced excitedly, "We are here to cheer Juvia and Gajeel on." Her eyes danced as she rubbed the exceed's head before he jumped off.

"My brain needs a rest. See you Levy." The cat waved before trotting off.

"What's his deal? He didn't want to talk to me?" Lucy asked. Lily was normally friendly even if he could be a bit serious at times.

Levy blushed scarlet then pouted prettily before replying, "He's kind of grouchy. Not enough sleep."

Before Lucy could question her further, she noticed that Gajeel's partner was missing. "Wait a second! Where is Juvia? Wait. Are you here to help them? Did Juvia split up so they could cover more ground? Is someone like Meredy helping her?"

"Nooo! We are here to cheer them on ONLY!" The solid script mage vocalized a bit too adamantly. Adding to her denial, Levy said, "Your imagination is too OP at times, Lu."

Some uncertainness crept into her brain, as Lucy eyed Levy who looked away. Lucy paused, wondering if it was guilt. Then she stated "Good thing, Levy, cuz otherwise that would be shady. And with Pantherlily here. That's practically cheating to have quick transport. It's why we couldn't bring Happy." According to the rules, only the chosen partner was allowed to help - much to Happy's annoyance. The only thing that got him to stop crying was the promise of fish and the fact that he would be alone with Charla all week.

"So is Juvia here?"

In answer to Lucy's question, the water mage in her water form rained down from an upper balcony. Lucy leaped away to keep from gettting splashed as the girl contorted and solidified into her human body that was clad in a stylish purple bikini.

"Hey girl," Lucy addressed the pale skin girl, "I was wondering where you were."

"Juvia was waiting to leap down and save her love's swimming trunks when he takes them off."

"How sure are you that he will lose his swim trunks?"

Levy coughed, "Lucy, it's Gray. The clothes that aren't attached... Always come off."

"Oh, Right" And sure enough, not five seconds later, a pair of shorts landed in the pool.

Normally, Lucy would have remember that Gray always ends up naked, but at that moment she had noticed Natsu take off his jacket and vest. Then the boy shucked off his pants, diving into the pool in only his boxers!

Levy saw Lucy gapping at him. Deciding to tease her friend, Levy said, "You better close your mouth before flies come."

Snapping her lips shut, Lucy spun around red-faced. Apparently stripping is contagious. Of course in the fire dragon slayer's mind, it was probably the same as swimming trunks and he wanted to be more like the other two who were prepared for swimming. The water began to bubble before shooting Gray's trunks toward Juvia.

"Gray-sama. Juvia has save your clothes!"

"Thanks Juvia. You're the best." Gray praised making her almost faint as he dodged Gajeel's knee before getting smacked by Natsu's fist.

"Juvia does not want thanks. Juvia wants you to put them back on." Juvia frowned before turning a crazy face to the crowd of teenage girls surrounded the pool, "You will not look at Juvia's Gray-sama unless you want to d..." The girl did not have to finish her sentence before all the non fairy tail members cleared the area.

"Now Juvia is happy. You may carry on Gray sama." She waved joyfully before snapped a dangerous look toward Lucy and Levy, "As long as love rivals are not watching Gray-sama."

Levy chucked, flashing her engagement ring. "I have Gajeel. You know that."

"What about my original Love Rival?" Juvia turning her attention to Lucy who shuddered. Levy said, "You better tell her you have Natsu, Lucy,"

"But I don't have Natsu. We are just friends. "

"He likes you though." Levy pointed nonchalantly, as she told the blonde in front of her exactly what everyone knew in the guild.

"And you like him."

Lucy vehemently denied as she became stuttering mess. The two blunettes just laughed at her predicament. In a huff, Lucy started to go interrupt the boys when ice shards unexpectedly covered them. Someone behind them placed an ice shield around them as metal, ice, and fire exploded.

"He's much too hotheaded to be an ice wizard" came a low masculine voice.

Lucy gasped, "Lyon?!"

Juvia froze before spinning around. Even as Levy and Lucy went to him to give their thanks to the newcomer, Juvia hung back. Lyon nodded in greeting but his eyes were focused on the water mage."I do not know what the organizers thought putting me in a partnership with Gray. I much would prefer being in a group with my sweet Juvia."

The dark haired ice mage must have heard from across the room. He stopped fighting long enough to curse at Lyon to back off. Lyon smirked, "She isn't your partner, Gray. She's Gajeel's."

Gray jumped over Natsu to order Gajeel to make Lyon stopped. Gajeel sighed in response as he smashed Gray's face before Natsu used the opening to kicked the other dragon slayer in the side. Gray used his fist to knock Natsu away before his head was caught in a lock by Gajeel. Natsu the used his leg to sweep both of them into the pool.

Gajeel shouted, "Rain woman is an adult. She can tell him no if she doesn't want it."

And that is pretty much how the evening went much to Lucy's chargin. The three fairy tail boys battling It out while while Gray kept trying to fight Lyon on the side over Juvia.

At supper, Juvia eventually almost flooded the hotel with her tears until Lucy suggested everyone to retire to their rooms. She caught Natsu who was distracted by a pie eating contest at the buffet with Gajeel.

Using his scarf like a dog leash, Lucy dragged him up the stairs.

"But Lussshhiii! I was winning!" The boy argued causing Lucy to let out an exasperated sigh.

"No you weren't. All of you have been one inch from destroying the hotel all night, meaning we would have to pay. And that means... NOBODY WINS!" Natsu gulped at Lucy's scary face before she pushed him into their room and slammed the door.

Lucy gawked like a fish out of water at the one and only bed in the center of the room, letting go of her best friend who immediately to the eating the room's complementary chocolates.

There wasn't couch or a cushion in sight.

She rolled her eyes at her ever increasing bad luck. They would have to share, which was not strange at this point, but damn she never slept well next to Natsu. She always spent the whole night chronically worrying over not jumping him in her sleep. Thus it usually ended with her being exhausted and moody the next morning while Mr. Fire-Dragon-Bubble-Gum-Hair-Slayer would sleep like a baby and be "all fired up" once morning came.

Obseving that Nasu was bouncing, she snatched the sweets away from him.

"No!"

He sulked toward the bed. Lucy was left to put the suitcases up. After a few moments of no talking, Lucy inquired if he wanted to take a bath first or second.

"Let me piss and then it is all yours. Otherwise I may not get in there tonight. You take so long."

"That's fine with me. I'll be sure to take a few extra minutes knowing you are out here." Lucy joked but then when Natsu smiled evil closing the door, she yelled, "But don't you dare take a dump! I would hate to have to bath after you stink up the place."

The boy cackled from the bathroom. Pretty quickly he was out, and Lucy was in. Thankfully, he had not stunk the room up and allowed her to shower in peace. No bursting inside unexpectedly to spook her. No teasing through the closed doorway.

After dressing in a pink t shirt with no bra and blue pajama short and fluffy polka dot socks, the girl exited. Natsu then dashed into the bathroom. Lucy was amazed he had not fell asleep waiting for her to get out. She exhaled when the door closed.

Lucy lay on her bed but could not sleep. She rolled before growing completely bored.

"Guess I will read." She dug in her suitcase for a book as turned off his shower. She curled up leaning on the headboard of the bed while reading. Her hearing caught the telltale signs of him brushing his teeth. She had not even managed to read one chapter before Natsu was out.

"That was fast." She told him as he fell face first beside her. He rotated his head to peep an eye at her.

"Wasn't dirty?"

She pretended to sniff him, "Nah you are dirty. Try again."

The blonde had to be careful with her teasing. Otherwise she could rile him up and then he would get playful.

"Want to wrest Lucy?" Natsu pushed himself up on his forearm, scowling at her dangerously.

"Whats wrong?"

Natsu grabbed her to his chest. She squeaked not really sure what had caused his change in mood. At least he was not bare chest as he was earlier. Right now he was doing good in his white tee and a fresh pair of boxers. Lots of times he would sleep shirtless which caused too much sexual tension to rise up in her body. Although if he kept holding her next to his body. She would NOT be responsible for any ripping of said shirt or shorts.

He pushed her laughing. "You should have seen your face?!"

Lucy's eyebrow twitched as her body fought the urge to slap him.

"Ready for bed?"

"I am but you can stay up to read." He scurried under the covers like a rat.

"I'm good." Lucy clicked the lamp off, allowing the darkness to consume the room.

Trying not to disturb the quiet setting, she whispered, "It is better to go on to sleep so we can be up and out of here before our competition."

The two lay beside each other with only the sound of their breathing and the distance noise of slot machines from the casino as their lullaby. Lucy should have not really been phased, but she was very aware of his body next to hers, only hoping he could not hear her heart trying to beat out of her chest. Thinking about ways to get him off her mind, she imagined Master Makarov in speedo. Then ichiya in a thong. Nothing worked.

Instead she almost laughed.

"What's wrong Lucy?" He asked in a voice slightly deep from sleep. Her body wanted to purr in pleasure from the sexy at the sexy twang.

"N-nothing. Sorry for disturbing you."

Soon his breath became more even as he started to go to sleep, oblivious to the turmoil in Lucy.

She should have just read her book until he fell asleep. All she wanted to do was roll on top of him, hopefully waking him up in the process. The mage imagined him staring up at her in sleepy confusion before Lucy would cup his face and proceed to kiss him - even though she had no idea how to kiss anyone.

Lost in her imagination, she was unaware that he had not truly fallen to sleep. The boy bolted up, startling her from her thoughts. He reached over her, partially straddling her chest as he fumbled, trying to turn the lights on.

When the lamp came on, she saw his face blushed crimson.

"What's wrong Natsu?" Lucy asked, quickly thinking back to if she had done something to him, but no she had remained on her side of the bed.

"Shh!" He covered her mouth, still sitting on top of her, as he trained his ears upward as if listening to something. The room was quiet except for her breath echoing back into her face from his hand. She swore it sounded like Darth Vadar. She made angry sounds of protest from her throat, but he just kept telling her to shush. Annoyed, she relaxed until he was ready to pull his hand away.

"Gross!" The boy howled before hopping over and burying his head under a pillow, releasing the celestial wizard's face.

"What?" Lucy repeated, now that she could talk.

"Be thankful you don't hear it." Was his mysterious remark.

She watched him in question but he did not notice her expression because he was hiding. After a few moments of silence, he still did not add anything.

Lucy seized her pillow, hitting his body. "What do you mean? Natsuuuuu answer me?"

He snored loudly.

"You aren't asleep that fast! And if you were then wake up!" She hit him again.

He pointed to the wall, not even bothering to defend herself to his attacks.

"Go listen!"

"Huh?"

"Put your ear to the wall."

Now the girl understood that the boy's oversensitive hearing was catching something probably happening in the next room. Lucy tiptoed to the wall before pushing her hair sideways and eavesdropping.

At first there was nothing, until she began to detect low moans. Then she heard a thump before Levy's voice shouted.

Rearing back, Lucy gulped, "Natsu! What's going on? Is Levy being attacked? Is it an enemy?"

A rude noise came from the slayer still buried under her pillows and sheets. His muffled reply came after a few moments. Lucy had the distinct impression that he was trying hard not to laugh.

"You could say it is a type of attack, but not an enemy. Well not on most days."

Suddenly she heard a "Shhhh!" from inside the room where Levy was.

Lucy pressed her ear to the wall, hearing another, more gruff, voice say, "You're being too loud, shrimp. Am I going to have cover that dirty mouth of yours?"

The fuck?

"Gajeel is in there with her?" Lucy wheezed completely scandalized that Levy - sweet, innocent Levy - was having her mind blown by crabby Gajeel. Now Natsu's reaction made complete sense.

"Be thankful you can't hear it as loud and clearly as me." Natsu gripped.

"But he'll hurt her. She's so tiny." Lucy's breath catches in her throat. Of course, Levy's private affairs were none of her business, but she did not want her doing something unhealthy.

The covers were thrown off as Natsu arose from the bed. "I was thinking the same thing Lucy. How does something so big fit into something so small. Unless Gajeel isn't really that big."

The said man bellowed defensively from the other room, "Wouldn't you like to know, Salamander?"

Natsu yelled back, "No matter how big you are, I will always be bigger!"

Too which they heard a slap and an angry Levy scream, "Gajeel! Ignore Natsu and aim properly!"

The pink haired slayer started sniggering uncontrollably. Amusement swirled in his eyes as he chortled, "Missed your hole, MetalHead?"

Lucy facepalmed with a "too much information" remark.

"Bite me, FlameforBrains."

The pinkette smirked, "Nah. That's Levy's job."

Levy shrieked.

"Lucy! Punch Natsu for me."

So like a good friend, Lucy punched Natsu who immediately turned his dragon slanted eyes toward her. Pretending to be mad, he complained, "Hey Lucy, why you take her side?"

Smirking good naturedly, she replied with "Chicks before Dicks."

Before Natsu could comment on that , Lucy had an idea.

"Maybe we can change rooms. It's kind of weird being stuck in the hotel room next to Levy and Gajeel having se... Uh. Wait, I don't want to think of that either. Let me just call."

"Yes please. I can't sleep with them going at it over there." Natsu held his stomach as if he was about to puke.

Lucy went for phone ready to call the desk when a scream came from the opposite side of the room. The girl dropped grabbed her keys, expecting an attack since this was not from the same direction as the two love birds.

Natsu moaned, throwing his legs off the side of the bed. He buried his face in his hands.

"What is happening now?" The blonde moved to her partner as he whimpered. Rubbing his back, she cried to comfort him until he grabbed Lucy's hands, pulling her toward the window, "We need to run away. How about camping on top of the mountain tonight?"

"And leave a warm room with a comfy bed? No."

Another scream sounded from the room that was definitely not Levy's.

"Natsu please tell me another couple is NOT mating like rabbits in the other room next to us."

"Fine, I won't"

"Natsu?!"

Natsu nodded weakly, "Do you know who it is?"

The dragon slayer groaned, "If Gajeel and Levy are in that room, where do you think Gajeel's partner is."

Lucy immediately thought of Juvia. Her eyes grew large with her shocked replied, "With Gray?"

"Well that's two thirds of the party that is going on in there."

"Two thirds?" Lucy didn't understand what he meant.

"Where do you think Gray's partner is?"

"Wait."

Two-thirds? Partner?

"What?"

"Lyon's in there too."

"WHAT?!" Lucy gasped scandalized for the second time in under five minutes

"You mean a threesome?"

"Sounds like it." Natsu started choking, "And now I am smelling the scents coming from Ice Princess 1.0 and 2.0 plus MetalFace's sour aroma. This is worse than motion sickness. Would pick a vehicle over this any day. Ugh!" The boy fell to his knees, dragging Lucy down to the floor as well.

"Plus the phermones coming from Levy and Juvia are not what I want to be smelling. Please Lucy, save me!" Natsu hugged her pressing his face in-between her breasts and taking a big sniff.

Lucy squealed, "Natsu what are you doing?"

"Your scent is the only thing combating their putrid odors." His voice muffled by her shirt. She stopped herself hugging him. All she really wanted to do was relax and cuddle with him.

"Now you are starting to sound like Ichiya" She said instead, but an idea popped into Lucy's head. A grin of pure wickedness covered her face.

"Well do you think we could get them to stop?"

"How?" He begged desperately, grabbing her words as a life line.

"What if we started doing it too, and they got grossed out enough to stop."

Natsu didn't answer for the longest time before he pulled back staring hard at Lucy.

"Lucy, are you asking to have sex with me?"

She froze while replaying her words in her head. Jerking away from him, she shrieked, "NOOO! I was meaning we pretend. Like moan and thump around the room."

Natsu for a second looked disappointed... the pervert. But then he snorted, "Gajeel would know its fake. He won't be able to smell us."

"But will he be thinking that if he is caught up in Levy's scent?"

"Good point. It might actually work."

"Yea; We should." The two high fived, before Lucy declared, "Operation: Cock-Blocking has commenced!"

Next Shot: Boner-Killing

AN: If the title didn't give it away, this two shot is a bit of randomness from the weird part of my mind - a place not ventured very often. Or maybe I visit it too often? Hope you get entertained at my jokes. A little nervous at the reception for posting this. It was a short funny I sent my friends a couple of years ago, who thought it hilarious. You can probably tell that some of the references are a bit old. Instead of deleting it (as I probably should have), I expanded it and put it on here. The Ending = The punchline and best part of this. Part 2 is much funnier than the first shot. As Gray, Lyon, Gajeel, and Natsu see who can make their girl louder. Will Gray and Gajeel figure out Natsu and Lucy are faking it? Lemons are expected but the ending will be shocking with who wins. I am laughing just thinking about it. You will never see it coming.

Sneak peak: Gajeel listened to the panting in the next room as he pounded away behind Levy. Chuckling malevolently, he mumbled, "So Salamander thinks this is a competition eh?"

He paused when he heard a light scream that seemed to be muffled out.

"But shrimps can scream louder than Bunnies