Chapter 21: A Time To Remember

After Buck left them, Lou started at a movement in the shadows. A mournful whine sounded, and Zeus, head hung low, approached her with hesitation. Jimmy thought the dog looked as guilty as he felt, though he hadn't reckoned dogs could feel guilty until this moment.

"Buck said you shot the other one...the one chasing me," Lou finally murmured, placing her hand on the dog's head.

Jimmy's answer was roundabout as he studied Lou, who couldn't seem to meet his eyes. "Dog figures he failed you. Hell, Lou, we both did. But I gotta tell you, if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have got out in time to finish the second man off before he shot you in the back. The dog was laying by the door after you left us, whining now and again. Then, all of a sudden every hair on his neck stood on end and he let out a growl the like of which I never heard...I ran out...left him behind...he about went through the door trying to get to you from the look of it. Next time, we'd both appreciate it if you didn't leave him behind…he has been beside himself till right now."

Lou absently rubbed the big dog's drooping head, and considering himself absolved, Zeus settled down at her side, his considerable weight pressing into her leg. Jimmy hoped his presence was a comfort, wished he could settle in close on her other side, but he sensed a wall up between them and kept his distance while she gathered her thoughts.

"I'm sorry you had to kill a man." Lou managed at last, still not looking him square in the eyes.

"Anyone who'd shoot a woman in the back ain't a man, and mark my words, he was about to do it."

Jimmy was glad he was sitting because his legs wanted to shake thinking of that shot. He'd had to take it quickly...too quickly to really aim, and between his shock at finding the boy with his throat slit, his blind panic, and the low light, he considered it something of a blessing he had managed it at all.

Then again, he was pretty sure blessings didn't end in dead bodies. He'd grapple with his conscience later though. Now, he needed Lou to talk to him, even if she couldn't look at him.

"Lou...you said you thought you were in Virginia. What do you mean about that? What happened that haunts you that way?"

"Kid...came home in a wagon. Brought by two of his men...I guess they said their names to me at some point or another, but I couldn't tell you what they were. Couldn't even tell you much about what they looked like, I was in such a state of shock about Kid being in the shape he was…"

"Kid was out cold in the wagon...and stayed like that for days after. That ride nearly shook the little life in him right out. I...I couldn't have managed to lift him, even though he probably didn't weigh much more than me by then. He was terrible thin. So thin." Her voice wavered and she closed her eyes tight and Jimmy would've given his right hand to take away the picture burned on her memory that made her flinch in the recalling of it now.

"His men...God, I don't know why I can't remember their names...surely, they told me, didn't they?" She paused, eyes searching his in a sudden, intense inquiry.

Throat tight, heart pounding high in it with dread, Jimmy managed to answer, "I don't know, Lou. Maybe they didn't say."

Lou stared back into the flames, brow furrowed in concentration, then she shook herself a little, continued. "They offered to carry Kid inside for me. I...it never occurred to me not to let them in. They were Kid's men. They had brought him to me when they might have just dumped him in the woods and let him die. I guess I owe them a lot for that…" her voice was hesitant, conflicted.

"You didn't owe them nothing," Jimmy said, and though he meant to speak gently, it came out as a growl. But she didn't seem to hear him.

"They waited with him while I put clean sheets on the bed upstairs. Then, I held the door while they got Kid out of the wagon and they carried him up and placed him so careful on the bed. They were so easy with him. He stirred a little bit...hurt by the movement and they showed me how to get the laudanum in him for the pain. He slept easy after that, and I was full of gratitude and hope, sure I could get him well now that he was home with me."

"I asked them to stay on for dinner. They were so thin too, and I hadn't had any company for a week, since last I had been to the hospital. The days were so long when I was at the house. I got to craving the sound of another voice sometimes…the men, they were laughing and telling me stories while I got a supper together and for a minute, listening to them try to outdo each other reminded me of home, the bunkhouse..."

Those words hit Jimmy right in the gut, hard enough to make him ache. Stop there, he wanted to tell her.

"We shared a meal and a little brandy I had left over from the last time Kid was home...it was late by then so I offered them a place in the barn to sleep...we didn't have much room in the house and I just didn't think it fitting for them to stay inside with Kid being out like he was...and they accepted. I showed them out and then went in to sit with Kid. He didn't wake, but I just talked to him, told him how happy I was to have him home. I...I looked at the wound too. And that's when I knew nothing would ever be the same. It was worse than I imagined, though I still thought I could heal him enough to stay with me."

"After dark, there was a knock on the back door. I figured one of the men might need something, so I went down quick. I was in my nightdress. I shoulda thought to put back on the dress...but hell, I slept in a room full of boys with long johns on for a year...it never occurred to me to change until...after."

"After," Jimmy echoed tonelessly, having figured out early on where this particular story was heading.

"One of them was at the door. Said his friend was snoring too loud for him to sleep and could he trouble me for a drink."

Lou tugged a hand through her hair, nostrils flaring. "I knew in my gut I should have turned him out, but I didn't listen to myself. When he walked by me, I smelled whiskey...and I knew I had made a mistake, but I was still sure of myself, sure that Kid's men were as good as he was. But I was wrong."

"He caught me up in the drawing room, said how lonely he was. He just wanted to dance and hold me a minute. Smell my hair. Said how much he missed his sweetheart. Her name was Penny. Funny how I remember her name."

It wasn't funny at all, and Jimmy felt like he might turn to stone...wished he could.

"He was crying, and I was still thinking I could reason with him. When he started trying to kiss me, I fought back. Hit him pretty hard. That seemed to bring him to his senses, make him realize I wasn't Penny. But he didn't much care. He pushed me down on the sofa in the drawing room, got on top of me. I screamed and started to fight, hoping his friend might help me. He pulled a knife, held it to my throat. Told me if I made another sound he'd kill Kid where he slept right above our heads, and I believed him...I didn't make another sound. Not a single peep. He cried the whole time, apologizing and weeping, while he...well, I suppose you know."

He did know. Jimmy could see the bright spots of color in each of her cheeks as they burned in shame. He searched for any words he could give her to relieve her of her embarrassment, but he was struck mute with horror, and misplaced rage that had no outlet in this clearing thousands of miles and too many years removed from the moments she spoke of now in a dispassionate voice.

"He didn't ever hit me. Didn't hurt me overmuch, even. Didn't even leave a mark on me," Lou murmured. "And that made me feel like a coward when it was done, for not fighting...for not making it harder on him."

That statement found Jimmy's voice for him. "He had a goddamned knife to your throat and threatened to kill Kid, who couldn't have defended himself, or you. What choice did you have, Lou?"

She shrugged. "Doesn't matter now. It is done."

He didn't want to know, but had to. "Was that the end of it?"

"He got dressed. Still crying, still apologizing. He pulled my nightdress down to cover me and kissed me on the forehead before he let himself out and I just lay there and watched him go...it felt like it had all happened to someone else."

"He didn't come back? Or the other one?"

"I don't know if he would have or not. Soon as I could stand, I got my gun and a lantern and went out to the barn and ran them both off at gunpoint. I think when the other one got a look at me, he knew what had happened, so he didn't put up a fuss, and the one who had come to the house didn't say a word. They packed up, rode out, and I ain't never seen them since."

That sounded more like Lou, he thought, took a moment to wish she'd pulled the trigger on one, if not both, the men.

"It wasn't the end though, was it. You still think of it," Jimmy said, understanding.

"Not overmuch. Just sometimes. When a stranger rides up. Or I smell whiskey. Or like tonight...I guess that fear when Jacob had me trapped, I got it in my head that I was back there, with Kid helpless above my head and the baby helpless in my belly. Got mixed up."

"Lou... I asked you before but I gotta ask again...this baby...is it Kid's or is it his?"

Lou blinked, "what are you talking about Jimmy? I told you this was Kid's baby already!"

Jimmy struggled to keep patience in his tone but urgency made it more clipped. "Lou, from what you said, Kid wasn't in any shape to be fathering a child after he was hurt...and I guess I need to know if this soldier is gonna come looking for you or his baby."

Lou's eyes grew stormy, "It ain't his baby and he ain't got no claim to me neither!"

"Of course not, Lou, but sweetheart can you tell me how in the world Kid is this child's father?"

"He came back to me, Jimmy. For just a while before he left me. It was a miracle."

Jimmy met her eyes, feeling sick. He hoped the doubt and disbelief clutching him didn't show in the small smile he attempted. He worried that her confusion about that time, so steeped in trauma, had rooted a more palatable reality in her mind than the fact she was pregnant with her rapist's child. Worried that she couldn't face the more likely truth. Worried what the denial might do to her when it broke.

"Maybe you can tell me about that later. Right now, I think you should rest." But before he helped her settle down, he leaned over, took her hand and held it tightly for a long moment.

And prayed with all the love he had for her for that miracle to be true.

TBC.

A/N: Well, I agonized over it long enough and finally just wrote the thing. And I completely forgot about Zeus' existence in the last chapter which is what happens when you go so long between chapters and post a chapter at a time, but maybe in polishing down the road I will fix that.