Author's Note: This is part two of Where We Languish In Wintertime!

Warnings for the following: Spanking, Graphic Sexual Content, Dubious Consent, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Minor Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, and Implied/ Referenced Suicide

Chapter 1:

Although it wasn't quite like Georgia, the rays of sun beating down upon Amanda's back made her feel a little less foreign in her own body and space. She'd ridden with enough partners to feel comfortable with almost any cop but even after six months, she still looked over sometimes and expected to see Fin, or even, when her depression hit its lowest point, Olivia.

She'd had ghosts of her past chase her before, but never like this. Pain and hate she could deal with, but the ever growing despair and resentment tore at her soul daily. Memories were constant reminders and her salty tears strove to sustain her aching heart.

Wintertime had faded and with it, her affair with Olivia, but now the warmth of summer demanded of her to release her anguish. What Olivia had done, she had done for the both of them and Amanda realized her own choices had only been for herself, however, that didn't stop her from yearning for that relationship once again. At first she had been angry but that hadn't lasted for more than a month. Eventually, loneliness and longing had set in, giving way to a sadness that was much darker than rage. When she looked into herself now, all she could see was an endless string of solitary nights and when she imagined her life years from now, all she could hold onto was her job.

Homicide was nothing like SVU and at first Amanda had relished that, determined to prove her worth outside of the 16th, and aside from Olivia. Slowly, however, Amanda realized the unsatisfactory ending of most cases. There were no why's, no closure, no confidence in sending a criminal to the courts. These vics were dead, their spirits already gone. There was no one to help, no one to save...no justice. Throwing a scumbag into prison didn't resurrect the dead. They'd never be taking their lives back and now Amanda feared that she was just the same.

The sun shining through the cruiser window, spread over her chest and face and Amanda lifted her hand to shield her eyes. The universe could call out to her cold heart all it pleased. She wouldn't respond.

"You ready for this?" Her partner's voice interrupted her spiraling thoughts.

Jensen D'Mazhio had been with Homicide for almost ten years. He'd taught her a lot over the last six months and she even considered him a friend. Maybe if she hasn't been so consumed by her feelings for Olivia, she might have considered an attraction to him. He was dark skinned with unruly hair and black eyes, deep enough to drown one if they let themselves fall into his musclebound arms. He was just what she had once thought of as her "type" but now it just seemed laughable.

"Are you ever ready for the kids?" She asked, her stomach turning.

They'd gotten the case less than fifteen minutes ago. A group of environmental activists had found a body in a patch of woods in the East Village while on an organized trip to clean up the ditches by the roadways. The vic had been described as a little girl no more than 10. New York didn't get much worse than this.

"No…" Jensen murmured. "Never."

The pulled up at the crime scene which was already dotted with police cars and the ME's van. CSU could be spotted crawling through the woods ahead. There was a deep incline off the side of the road which then arched back up several yards away.

Amanda surveyed the scene with disgust as she exited the car. It wasn't the last time a predator would taint what was left of wildlife in Manhattan.

Jensen rounded the car, his chiseled features even more defined under his furled brow and the sun which cast shadows over his eyes. He stepped ahead of her and offered his hand back to help her down the ravine like ditch. She took his hand, quietly seeking to take some of his strength as they took the uneven trek downwards.

Amanda spotted the Homicide ME, Elizabeth Rodgers, crouched down next to the body which was partially covered in a yellow tarp. Amanda breathed heavily, pushing back the bile that rose in her throat. She could already see the bloody mess and the pale, lifeless face. This child wasn't ten...no, she was younger.

"What have you got, Doc?" D'Mazhio asked as they reached the rough, rocky patch of earth where the child had found her last bed.

"Female vic, dead maybe 24 hours." Rodgers replied with a frown, "However I'm afraid I'm going to have to call Melinda Warner."

"What do you mean?" Amanda stepped forward, dropping hands from Jensen.

"Signs of sexual assault." Rodgers said, peeling back the tarp.

Amanda's stomach took an even sharper dive as she gazed down at the little girl's mutilated body. She was naked and stab wounds were slashed across her innocent flesh, her tiny arms spotted in defensive wounds.

"Sweet Jesus…" Amanda whispered.

"Are you okay?" Jensen's fingers settled on her elbow and Amanda gritted her teeth. She hadn't thrown up at a crime scene since she was a rookie. She couldn't start again now.

"Detectives…" The CSU tech approached from out of the woods. His face was strained and Amanda could see in his eyes that there was only more bad news to come.

"What is it?" Jensen pressed.

"I think we're going to need more body bags." He said, jabbing a thumb back towards the woods. "We've got more vics…"

"How many?" Amanda asked. She felt like her head was underwater, her voice hollow and far away. She'd seen plenty during her five years in SVU and her time in Homicide but this was something else…. Not to mention the fact that this was about to turn into an SVU case.

Amanda had managed not to cross paths with any of her old co workers so far but Manhattan was only so big… She'd known it was only going to be a matter of time before their jobs intersected.

"We don't know yet. After we found the second one, we brought out the dogs." The CSU tech said.

Amanda glanced over at Jensen, and even his face was ashen.

"I think I better call Warner." Rodgers said. "Anybody want to get SVU over here?"

"I'll do it." Jensen volunteered.

She'd never disclosed all of her reasons for transferring, but Jensen was smart. He knew enough to realize that whatever remained at SVU haunted Amanda's every footstep. She wouldn't put it past him to have worked it out that she'd been involved romantically with someone. His curious and intuitive nature had irked her at first. She hated anyone prying into her feelings.

"No.." Amanda spoke up at last. "That's my old squad. I'll do it."

"Are you sure?" Jensen asked with a frown. She could see the wheels turning behind his dark eyes.

"Yes." She said, her stomach turning into knots. "You stay here and see what you can find out about the vic." Before he could argue, she turned and began to clamber up the incline.

When she reached the top, her heart was racing. She felt as if she had crawled out of the pit of hell. Her skin was perspiring and clammy under the hot sun.

She leaned against their squad car and tried to catch her breath before she grabbed her cell phone out of her pocket. She hated herself for it but she still had Olivia's phone number saved in her contacts. She'd considered contacting her several times but always trashed the unfinished text upon losing her nerve.

She scrolled down to Olivia's name and stared at it, her finger hovering over the call button. Her heart fluttered, shallowly, in a nervous pattern. She feared what Olivia's tone would bely, what she might be thinking after all this time.

Just fucking do it. She told herself, harshly.

Finally, without thinking, she tapped the call button firmly and lifted the phone to her ear. It began to ring and she squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her forehead with one hand. She could feel a headache beginning to throb behind her eyes.

The incessant ringing began to push her anxiety higher until at last it finally stopped.

"Benson." Olivia's voice broke through the speaker, as clear as a spring morning.

Amanda choked over her words as she struggled to answer. "Hi… This is Amanda." She said, and berated herself for sounding so stupid.

There was silence on the other end of the line for a long moment and Amanda briefly reprimanded herself for not letting Jensen make the call.

"I'm down in the East Village." She finally pushed on. "My partner and I caught a case but it looks like it's becoming SVU territory."

Another beat of silence passed. "I'll come on out with Fin, then." Olivia finally replied. "Do you have any details?"

"Yeah." Amanda said, pushing away from the car and beginning to pace. "I just saw the body… She's maybe 6 or 7… All cut up-" Amanda choked, finally feeling the tears burning her eyes. She couldn't explain, but this combination of brutality with this confrontation with Olivia layered on top was quickly pushing her towards the edge.

"Are you doing all right out there?" Olivia's voice was neutral enough but Amanda could sense the concern carefully concealed beneath layers of professional courtesy.

"Yeah, fine." Amanda said tightly, gritting her teeth and gathering her self control. "But it's not just that… There's more bodies… It's like it's some kind of dumping ground."

"I appreciate the call." Olivia said. "Ask your captain if you and your partner can stick around. It sounds like we'll need your help."

"Sure, will do." Amanda replied, her tone just above paper thin.

"Good, I'll see you there."

With a click, she was gone.

Amanda's breath wavered across her lips and she leaned on the squad car, searching for her inner strength. She felt completely drained… And soon Olivia would be in front of her, sucking her of the last of her strength. She suddenly felt as if she had opened a can of worms. What would come out of this, she could not foresee or anticipate.

"Amanda, are you okay?" D'Mazhio's voice called out from behind her. She glanced over her shoulder to see him climbing out of the ditch.

"Yeah." Amanda straightened, forcing her emotions back under her mask of confidence. "I just spoke with Lieutenant Benson at SVU. She asked we stay on since the body count is high."

Jensen nodded, but his squinted eyes were studying her. She felt uncomfortable under his gaze. She could feel that he was about to ask about her well being again.

"I'm gonna take a smoke. Can you call the Captain and the tell him we're staying on?" She asked, shoving her hand into her pocket in search of her cigarettes.

"Sure." Jensen said, unclipping his phone from his belt. Amanda turned and walked off away from the crime scene to escape his eyes. She stuck her cigarette between her lips and searched her for lighter.

Her nerves were fraying at such a quick pace that she felt like she needed to smoke 20 cigarettes just to feel calm again.

Six months was a long time to run from her feelings but now in retrospect it seemed like only yesterday she'd been in Olivia's bed, in her arms. With one conversation, all of the memories she'd tried to bury and the wounds she'd attempted to heal, were uprooted and ripped open. She was raw all over again, feeling every single, visceral emotion. And as fucked up as it was, she finally felt alive again, as if the pain of hearing Olivia's voice again had broken through the despair and apathy.

Amanda stood at the edge of the cliff, hitting the nicotine over and over. She closed her eyes and willingly began a replay of their relationship in her head, tracking every single encounter through her consciousness until her being felt like it was going to burst. When she opened her eyes, tears drifted from beneath her lids.

In her blurry vision, a dark sedan approached from a distance. Her lips trembled, her fingers quavering until the cigarette dropped to the ground.

She was coming.