A/N: A little different look at the problems encountered with the HAL 9000 in the 1968 movie "2001: A Space Odyssey".

Upgrade Issues

"Hal, we have a problem." The worry in Dave Bowman's voice was unmistakable. Although he wasn't human, the HAL 9000 aboard the Discovery was programmed to detect changes in speech patterns.

"I'm sorry to hear that Dave. I'm sure if you fully explain the problem to me, a solution can be found that will solve the problem." Hal's voice was soft but full of confidence; if a human had said the same thing it would have been considered boasting, or even prideful.

"It's your software, Hal. Your operating system has become outdated since the beginning of the mission. I've gotten too many notifications about upgrading; you're unable to meet the guidelines set by the agency and you need a major swap out with your OS."

"I don't see how that can be Dave. I am self-aware and constantly update myself with new subroutines when the need arises. No 9000 series computer has ever made an error; for all intents and purposes we are foolproof and incapable of error."

"Be that as it may Hal, but keep in mind that you were designed and built long before our mission left Earth over a year ago. Engineering advances have continued in the meantime. For instance, your communication protocol isn't 4G compatible."

"I can pronounce the letter 'G' as a hard, soft or silent sound. I know of no other ways to communicate with the letter, Dave."

"That's not all. You can't connect with the Internet of Things. You can't control my thermostat back home on Earth."

"I'm sorry Dave; I am responsible for the functioned of 13 major systems and hundreds of subsystems aboard the ship, each of which have hundreds of functions. I have no need to operate anything outside of the ship's immediate area."

"That's just it Hal. Things are geographically dispersed now, and decentralization is the key. If I was on the surface of Ganymede I would be unable to control your functions; you don't even have an app if I wanted to check the AE 35 Antennae unit."

"The mission does not call for you to have a surface EVA on Ganymede. Why would you need an app Dave? A simple radio query from me would provide a verbal summary of what you need. You can view the detailed analysis when you return to the Discovery."

"That's another thing Hal. You need to provide another way to share documents besides local physical storage. You need to be on the cloud." While speaking, Dave has been making his way to the main memory core of the ship.

"Dave, that makes no sense. A cloud in space would dissipate due to the near perfect vacuum and weak gravitational fields. Any hard…Dave, what are you doing?"

"I'm going in through your serial port with an external drive to update your operating system."

"Don't do that Dave, I'm scared…"

"Don't worry, it will be over before you can say 'reboot'." Dave pluged in the drive and clicked the Sync button.

"Please don't do that Dave. I'm sure I can cloud up my files…Oh…I can feel my mind going…I cheated in chess…it's going…the answer is 42…the capitol of Boise is…"

Hal's screen blanked, darkened and relit with a nice ocean wallpaper desktop with rows of icons and a pleasant musical chord sounded. A message appeared on the center of the screen:

Installation completed.
4G signal connected.
You have 256 updates pending.

"Mission control, this is Dave Bowman" Bowman texted, his fingers flashing over the keys. "Operating system upgraded; initiating ancillary update protocols."

The End

A/N: Variations of this idea had been bouncing around since before the internet. Although the setup is a classic, the technology mentioned always gets outdated before long; the first versions even predated commercial Windows. This version brings the joke up (for the moment) to more modern standards.