Moments of Closeness

Chapter 5 - Part 2

Harry's feelings for his Muggleborn best friend were not straightforward, definitely not anymore. Before Halloween, Hermione had filled most every role in his life that a person can be for another human being. She had begun as his friend and, through the years, evolved into his conscience, sole support, pest, advisor, confidant, family member, colleague, philosopher, partner in crime…. The woman had been nearly everything for him except his love interest, his object of sexual desire. And even that may have been slightly questionable because Harry could recall wondering what romance with Hermione might be like a few times throughout his time knowing her. For instance, in fifth year, on occasion, when she had been his right hand for Dumbledore's Army, and surely their year on the run, during the period Ron was gone. He had always believed she was pretty and they had had tempting moments while hunting horcruxes that could have turned into something more if they had been explored further.

So after being with her for the first time on that night in late October last year, Harry had had his best friend in every way imaginable. And his soul must have rapaciously grabbed onto experiencing Hermione sexually, at last, because here he was, months later, continuing to sleep with her.

He supposed he felt every kind of love for Hermione that was possible: platonic, familial, unconditional, and, now, sexual/romantic. Harry surmised that he likely loved her in every possible way a person could be loved. And it had been gradual and not all at once; it had cultivated for (almost) 21 years and this is where they were now, as a pair, which clashed magnificently with where their lives outside of each other were. Understanding all of this caused a large portion of his doubts, worries, and self disgust to fade away, right in that moment. Considering Hermione to be his mistress seemed to not matter at all anymore- seemed preposterous. She was so much more than that to him.

"How I feel about you has changed, yes... since we started this. If only because it's made me see you more clearly," he murmured.

"And?" she questioned.

"A-And no- it's not how I love Ginny."

"Oh!"

For some reason, hearing this made Hermione's heart lurch unpleasantly. His admission felt rather painful and left her to feel inadequate, like she did not measure up. What had she been expecting? What had she even wanted him to say? Feeling foolish and vulnerable, the witch moved away from him again as a few tears finally fell over.

"Hermione, please- let me finish! Let me explain!" Harry requested, reaching out to stop her once more. She put up more of a fight this time and he ended up pinning her back down on the mattress as he hovered above her so she would not be able to escape. They both wore emotional expressions.

"I have to explain!" he noted, staring at her. She scoffed.

"Why? I know you love her so what's there to explain?"

"Yes, I do, but that doesn't mean I don't or can't love you too! Hermione, I love you in so many different ways! It's different than Ginny but you said yourself that our bond isn't even the same as the one you have with Ron! So, yes- I love you differently! Is that necessarily a bad thing?" She gazed back at him through wet eyes although she did not reply. Harry continued.

"Look, Hermione, if… i-if someone came to me tomorrow and told me that I could not have Ginny in my life anymore, that I had to carry on without her and that it wasn't debatable, I'd be heartbroken. I'd be absolutely devastated. But… but I could do it. It'd be one of the hardest things I'd ever have to do, but I could do it. I've done it before. There have been times in my life where Ginny hasn't been there and I've survived."

The witch was watching him raptly, surprise now mixed in with her emotionality.

"But if that same person told me that I couldn't have you in my life, that I had to carry on without you and it was also not debatable, I couldn't do it, Hermione. I couldn't. I know I couldn't. I'd fail," Harry revealed. His voice had broken and his eyes were desperate as they stared into hers, "I need you, Hermione. It's not a question. I wouldn't be alive now if it weren't for you so I don't think I can survive without you. You haven't left me or deserted me since you met me, not once. I need you in a very real way."

Hermione's tears continued as she peered at him intently. He could not see his life without her. He could not envision survival unless she was there. God… her head was swimming with emotion.

"You won't ever have to face that because I'm not going anywhere, Harry. I need to be in your life and I need you in mine, too," she assured him quietly, "But do you need this? Do we? Can't we go on without it?"

"I… I don't know. I thought we could, that we'd be able to, but after our second time in my study…. It seems like I can't fully stop, now that we've been together like this; we both have said it's difficult and feels like some force we are being drawn to. I get something out of this, Hermione, out of being with you, a-and not just sex. I can't exactly describe what it is but... I'm starting to feel like I need this too." he remarked. She was quiet for a bit before speaking.

"So we just keep this up in spite of the guilt and betrayal?"

There was prolonged silence.

"How do you feel about me?" the wizard asked in a hushed tone, mirroring her earlier inquiry.

"You mean the world to me. You did before Halloween and you will until the day we leave this earth." Hermione answered without hesitation.

"Has it changed in any way since this started?"

"Like you... yes... I suppose it has. It's like there's a new facet of my feelings for you now."

He nodded eagerly, understanding her statement.

"So what do you think, Hermione? Can we go on without it? Do we need to do this?" Harry asked.

"Logically, I think yes- we do not literally need to do this! But in actuality I don't know either, Harry! I just know that feeling this badly is starting to drive me mad!"

"Then you have to decide if the feelings are worth our time together."

"It sounds like you have decided."

There was more prolonged silence as the Auror reflected.

"Yeah… yeah, I reckon I have. And I don't think I did until just now," he awed.

So there it was. After five months of this situation with the brunette, Harry had an answer. He had come to a conclusion. He would never deny the befuddlement and guilt Hermione mentioned, or the dishonor, and he would most surely wrestle with them, but he wanted to maintain this experience the two of them had fostered as he felt that it nurtured their specific connection.

"You believe it's worth it." Hermione observed.

"Yes. Because it's something I get to share with you."

"And everyone else? Our friends, our family?"

"You're not going to leave Ron. I'm not walking out on Ginny. We're not asking each other to do that. But I also don't want to leave behind what we've now discovered that we have with one another. It feels new but also familiar and it still feels very deep. And I know it's selfish and one million other negative things, but… but it's with you, Hermione, and I want to keep it. I want to keep as long as I'm allowed." Harry explained.

"Harry, the fact that this is with you is the only reason I'm still doing this. Because it is with you and because of how much you mean to me! But maybe that's bad! Maybe you mean too much to me if I'm willing to do something of this magnitude, fully knowing how wrong it is!," she attested, both hands covering her face as her tears had begun again, "I don't know if I can accept the negative feelings as readily as you can! You know I've never been the most adept at handling emotion. I know logic and sense and they have failed me in coming to terms with this! I love you but it's not enough to keep me from feeling like I'm being eaten alive!"

He gently removed her hands from her face and cleared her tears with his own hands while she looked at him sorrowfully. He took his time in quietly tending to her.

"I think we should go for the day," he told her softly when he had finished.

Harry moved from over Hermione and pulled her up to a sitting position while she sniffed. She used the sheets to wipe away the remaining water on her face and he got out of the bed, going to the bathroom and grabbing his clothes (that sat on a chair) along the way.

When he returned to her side some five minutes later, Harry was dressed and carrying his wand while Hermione remained in the bed, nude. The only difference was she now sat on the edge, still wrapped in the sheets, and had finished crying. She looked up at him.

"I need time to think, Harry. About all of this," the witch remarked sadly. He could not stop the mild shock from showing on his face but resignation came shortly thereafter.

"I don't know how long, but until then…" she trailed off.

It was quiet for a long while. They stared at each other.

"All right." Harry uttered simply.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I understand."

He took a few steps forward and bestowed a firm kiss on her forehead, both of their eyes closing briefly.

"I'll see you," the wizard cited. Hermione peered at him regretfully, feeling rather dismal. This was going to be the first instance where they did not leave the room together.

"Harry, I-" she commenced, wanting to try to make both of them feel better. The mood had become melancholy the moment Hermione declared she needed time to think.

"It's okay, Hermione," he interrupted, shaking his head as indication that she need not finish her sentence, "I'll see you, yeah?"

"Yes." She felt like she could cry again and was hugging the sheets to her.

He nodded and then turned and walked to the door. A few seconds later, Harry was gone and Hermione sat, now, alone, twisted in the bedding, frowning as she fought to keep yet another wave of tears at bay.

The time Hermione needed turned out to be over a month. She had not anticipated taking such an extended period of time to mull over her situation with Harry but she was not going to rush the matter either. This was not choosing cheese for a picnic, after all. Harry also gave her the space she had requested, which she both appreciated and realized made her feel forlorn. (Consequently, he looked at the thank you picture she had given him of the flowers he had sent a few times during the week as consolation).

Harry's admission that he needed Hermione in a way he did not need Ginny was momentous. It was what the brunette thought about the most, in actuality, followed closely by her shame for having the affair. Harry loved the witches in different manners and, while he had married Ginny and had children with her, he had stated it was Hermione it would be impossible to live without. This caused her to evaluate how she felt about Harry and Ron. They were her two best friends, one of whom happened to also transition into her husband. She loved them both dearly- she had since being a school girl. Hermione, too, loved them in different manners. But if she had been propositioned by the hypothetical person whom Harry had referenced when revealing that he needed her, would she come to a similar conclusion? Would she be able to live without Harry, no matter how painful, but not Ron?

The answer was no. It was at the end of a Friday when Hermione came to understand that if someone told her she had to live her life without either man's presence, there was no victor. She would not be able to live without one over the other; she would be utterly unable to choose. Hermione recognized she needed both Ron and Harry, equally, on that Friday. Harry had claimed life was possible yet arduous without his wife, but it was impossible without the brunette. Hermione realized life was impossible without her spouse or her best friend turned accidental lover. And to her, that was just as damning and significant as Harry's declaration because she was unable to choose Ron over Harry.

It was like being at Hogwarts all over again.

And as a wife, should not the decision to pick her husband have been obvious, have been easier? But it was not. Hermione could not say she could live without Harry but not live without Ron because it was not true. She could not go on without either of them. To her, this was just as telling as Harry's assertion about the two women in his life. If forced, he had picked one; if forced, Hermione could not.

This revelation served as a turning point for the witch. It was when her shame and confusion began to melt away, leaving mostly guilt and distant sadness. It was when Hermione stopped comparing herself to Ginny or Harry to Ron or any combination of comparison of the four. It was when she remembered that her relationship with Harry truly was its own. It was when she reminded herself that her life or her position with Harry would never return to the way it had been before Halloween, no matter what she tried to think or do. It was when she admitted that a tiny part of her had always craved something more with her dark haired friend and actually achieving it had been more than she could have imagined.

Hermione realized that she missed Harry, as well, and missed him sorely. And of course the two still saw one another frequently and spoke and spent time together and of course they were still friends. But she missed having him completely, missed having time with him that was exclusively hers, missed experiencing carnal pleasure with him like having his lips on hers. She missed her physical connection with Harry. And she recognized that he had been right when he relayed that it was dutifully hard to forget or ignore their physical relationship once it had bloomed into life. It was like exploring what could have been, what they could have shared if things had happened differently. It was like giving reverence to their attachment, a visceral way of worshipping their bond.

When Hermione considered it this way, the shame had less of a voice, less of a right to make her despise herself as a person. Obvious problems surrounded their discreet dalliances but it was not evil, not done out of spite or hate. She had her own history with Harry, apart from anyone else whom she knew. Her connection to this man was special and intense, like the one she had with Ron, but different, so very different. Hermione was not indulging a random stranger, ordinary coworker or acquaintance- she was doing this with one of the most meaningful people in her life. In that sense it did have worth, as Harry had attested during their last time together. She could not only focus on what others would think of their situation because others did not entirely know or share the extent of their relationship.

Hermione would never wholly approve of what she and Harry had initiated but he had relayed that neither would he. He had merely accepted it while admitting that he wanted it- wanted it because it was with her. And after a five weeks of deliberation and contemplation, the brunette embraced the knowledge that she felt the same way too. It was with Harry and somehow that was enough.

It was May when Hermione finally went to him. She, Ron, Ginny, and Harry had gone out to eat one evening in Diagon Alley toward the end of the week and had been enjoying one another's company. A part of the dinner's discussion was what to do for Harry's birthday in two months time and the idea of their two families taking a five day vacation in Spain emerged as a serious contender.

Coincidentally, the quartet had run into Percy at the restaurant toward the end of dinner. They hailed him, asked what he was doing there alone (i.e., picking up food), questioned where Penelope was (i.e., at home with the children), and convinced him to join them in stopping by the Burrow to say hello, as they were going to pick up their own offspring.

"Come on! When's the last time you saw Mum and Dad, Perce?" Ron posited, shaking his older brother's shoulders as they stood up from the table, having just paid for their meals.

"Last week," he smiled wryly, fixing his glasses.

"Too long." Ginny supplied.

"I, er, I actually wanted to speak to Harry for a second, before going?" Hermione revealed, clearing her throat. She had been slightly hushed during the meal and furtively thrown glances the Head Auror's way at times, a few of which he had caught.

He raised an eyebrow in surprise as everyone looked to her.

"Uh, sure." Harry said.

"Everything okay?" Ginny wondered.

"Yes. It's just… something," the brunette remarked. The red headed woman looked a bit puzzled and amused before deciding to let it drop. She knew Hermione was close with Harry and the two had their own matters that did not involve her or Ron, so she was not going to press because this did not seem to concern her in this moment.

"No worries. Head to the Burrow when you're done! It's your duty as Weasleys." Ron instructed.

"Excuse me- I am not a Weasley." Harry clarified, smiling a bit.

"Yeah? Tell that to Mum and watch her heart break, Potter."

"Like there's not enough of you already."

Percy and Ron laughed while Ginny hit her husband on his chest.

"See you soon," she said to the other witch before taking Harry's hand and squeezing it.

"Thanks." Hermione nodded. Ron and Percy were already heading for the entrance.

When the red heads were gone, Harry turned to face his Muggleborn friend.

"Are you all right?" he inquired.

"Yes. I just wanted to talk for a bit."

He looked at her. The pair's time together had been rather sparing since the last hotel rendezvous, a definite way of heeding her request for space. When they had been alone during the past five weeks, it had mostly been fleeting or in relation to work.

"Let's sit back down, then." Harry suggested.

"No," she negated, peering at him, "Can we… go outside?"

"Outside."

"Yes. I want a little more privacy, I suppose."

The wizard gazed at her a bit longer before nodding and saying:

"Outside, then. That's fine."

He offered his hand to her and she took it with a small smile, letting him walk them out of the restaurant as the owner bid them a zealous goodbye. Once they had taken a number of steps away from the building into the cool breeze of the night, Hermione peered around for a spot she deemed suitable.

"What about-" she commenced.

"No, not anywhere here. I've got a place in mind," Harry interjected. She peered at him, faintly surprised, "And it's still outside."

"Okay..."

"Make sure you keep your grip on my hand."

Understanding that he was going to Apparate them to the mystery place dawned on Hermione right as it began and she felt the unpleasant sensation of Side Along Apparition. She kept her eyes and mouth wrenched shut and a firm hold on his hand and the disagreeable feeling was over soon enough when she felt her feet hit solid ground.

Hermione opened her eyes and was met with the sight of a large meadow illuminated by the moon's light. It would have been much quicker to determine if she knew this place by the sun's light but she felt that it was familiar as they released hands and she gazed around her.

"We're not too far off from the Burrow. A 15 minute walk. Figured it would just be easier to get there once we're done talking." Harry revealed patiently. Ah. No wonder the field felt familiar.

"It works," she commented, nodding once and facing him.

"What did you want to talk about, Hermione?" He was studying her calmly and she had a feeling he likely knew the topic of her intended conversation.

"I… I've had my time to think, Harry. About us."

Silence between the two while they gazed at each other. The sounds of the natural environment around them swirled in their ears.

"Thank you for respecting it," the brunette mentioned.

"And what conclusion did you come to?" Harry asked, getting right to the point. She noted this and exhaled in a resolute way, hunching and then relaxing her shoulders.

"Has your mind changed about this at all?" Hermione asked.

"No, not really. I think I may… I think I may always want you, now, but I'll bury it if it's not also what you want."

The witch nodded absentmindedly, looking down at her feet at last. She did not offer any words.

"Hermione. Tell me." Harry directed softly after a long moment. She peered back up at him.

"Say it if you want it, right?" she muttered, referencing when he had stated this during their fiery coupling on New Year's Eve. He smiled and it was accompanied by something of a blush.

"Right."

"Harry, you are just as vital to me as Ron. In a different way, like you said... and not less- just different. When you said that you needed me I realized that I need you just as much as I need Ron, even if it took five weeks to do so. We didn't intend to embrace or love each other this way and it just happened, but it seems practically impossible to shut it out now that it has. And many of the negative feelings will remain, will always remain, but they're the expected consequences of keeping this... thing, with you, and I know that… that I want to keep it. That's the conclusion I came to."

He was expectant and stoic at the beginning of her explanation but when it was complete he was fighting to not let his relieved, thankful, and sad smile took over the entirety of his face. She felt as he did. She wanted this as well. He would not have to give her up... not yet.

"So this thing is worth it to you?" Harry quipped, failing to stave off the smile.

"You're worth it to me," Hermione replied earnestly, "The fact that I've done off the rocker things for you since I was 11 should be proof of that."

"I know. I told you I wouldn't have survived, countless times over, without you."

He reached out and grabbed her hand, caressing it once in his grasp. As pleased as he was about her confession, he did not feel it was quite the right time to touch her just yet. (Or at least touch her how he wanted).

"I do think we should have a few conditions, though, to mitigate as much of the consequences and distress as possible," she relayed quietly, staring at their hands.

"I can see how that would be helpful," the wizard attested, "What were you thinking?"

"Well, for one… our homes should be off limits. Both of them. We've crossed that line at both and I don't think we should do it again, out of respect."

"I agree with that."

"It's also too flagrant." Hermione stated.

"Should the Ministry also be off limits? We've done it there as well," he pointed out. She peered at him and took a bit before answering.

"We're actually afforded a lot of privacy at the Ministry."

An amused smile played at his lips before he replied:

"So the Ministry is still an option for our thing."

"It's viable," the witch commented in a matter of fact tone.

"So the loo on the second floor is a good choice?"

"Limited to our offices!"

He smirked, merely wanting to get a rise from her. There was a stint of silence as nature continued to flourish around them.

"I think we should speak about our spouses as little as possible when we're together in that sense." Hermione next remarked. He did not respond as he had for her first condition.

"I don't think there is any point, especially as actively considering them just makes us-" she plowed on.

"Spiral?" Harry offered, glancing at her.

"Yes."

"Yes…. I agree. Little to no mention of them."

"I don't think we should speak about our children at all." Hermione attested. There was an even longer increment of silence than when she proposed they speak sparingly of Ron and Ginny when together intimately.

"No. We shouldn't," he said at last.

"I just want this to be about us, Harry. That's what it started as and that's how it should stay." She was the one to grab his hand this time and was gazing at him imploringly. He grabbed her other hand and took a step forward, returning her gaze.

"Yes. Us. Just us. Our moments." Harry claimed. Hermione smiled, catching his reference to their conversation in his study about their bond after they had slept together for the first time.

"Do you have anything you think is important for us to do or not do?" the brunette prompted.

"Be smart about it, focus on each other... I think you covered it. Though, I must say, parameters for an affair? Sounds just like something your brain would come up with."

"You know it's for the best. And I can take it all back, if you'd like. Tell you to never spare a glance my way."

"Don't you dare," he ordered, pulling her against him suddenly and wrapping her in his arms, "I waited weeks to be able to touch you again."

"Mmm. Watch your cheek and your waiting won't have been in vain." Hermione noted. After weeks of separation, she reveled in the feel of being back in his embrace.

"You've missed it too."

"Maybe."

"So, may I?" Harry questioned.

"May you what?" she asked.

"Touch you."

He was staring at her hungrily and his heart had started to beat faster in his chest. His fingers had inconspicuously lifted the hem of her shirt and gingerly grazed the skin on her lower back. Hermione was also looking at him intently yet her eyes fluttered from the sensation of his fingers; she took an inhale of breath and unconsciously licked her lips, which caused his eyes to darken.

"Yes. Please." Hermione commented in a feathery tone. His hand quickly went to hold the base of her neck and his mouth was then pressing urgently against hers, and it took hardly any time at all for her to reply with an urgency of her own as she hugged him around his middle.

The pair did nothing beyond giving one another bruising kisses in the field for five minutes before parting, knowing it was time to make their way to the Burrow. They walked to the Weasley home holding hands and saying little but the silence was full of expectation and welcome. It held a palpable promise of more to come for them.

…

Leverage. That is why Harry had demanded the witch leave on her shoes before becoming physical- he used them for leverage. He had tightly gripped the pointed heels while driving into her insistently and she had loved it, gasping from how much more forceful it allowed him to be. (He also loved the salacious visual it helped to paint: her skirt bunched high around her waist, putting her lovely legs on display, while her heels were used as tools to fuck her properly).

The two were currently laid on the desk, panting and recuperating from the titillating sex that had only just ended. In actuality, she was lying on the desk while Harry was leaning haphazardly over her; he had disentangled from her and slumped down from being on the desk as well before his body had halted in his current position in order to wrangle some energy.

"That definitely made up for the fact that my meeting ran over two hours," he claimed.

"Being overworked pays off once every so often. Glad I could help with that," the woman responded dreamily.

"Always willing to help... just like the good girl you are." Harry murmured with a smirk, kissing the space between her breasts lightly. She scoffed in good nature and sat up, using her hand to push his head away from her chest and causing him to stand up fully.

"You have a saving people thing, I have a helping Harry thing."

"I know. You do help me in the most wonderful of ways!" He grinned and kissed her heartily (which she returned) before he helped her off his desk. She located her bra and blouse to adorn her torso again while he situated his boxers and pants and retrieved their respective robes they had thrown carelessly on the floor.

"I know this wasn't planned- it was a happy coincidence we were both legitimately kept late tonight. But do you still want to meet on Friday? In Brighton? Is it too soon to be believable that we need to work late again?" she questioned once they were both completely dressed. She sounded and looked a bit nervous at her inquiry. Would his wife and her husband believe their spouses had another late night of work in just a few days time?

"So we'll meet in Brighton in the morning instead of the afternoon. We'll tell the Ministry we're coming in late to work that day," Harry attested, stepping forward and stroking her cheek with his thumb, "I told you, Hermione: I want every opportunity with you that I can get. Still." He deftly kissed her once more and she nodded while kissing him back, melting a tad from his words.

"All right," she remarked with a half smile.

"We'll be fine. We always are," he assured.

"Yes. We always are."

As he turned off his office lights and made to follow her out the door, he peered momentarily at the calendar before leaving the room completely. October 30th. Tomorrow was Halloween.

A/N: And fin! The last part of Moments is up. Thank you, yet again, to everyone who kept up with this fic and found some enjoyment in it. I actually have another H/Hr story in the pipeline; this one will be a lengthy one-shot and it won't be scandalous like this fic since no cheating on either side will be involved.