The Idiot Solution

Summary: In which sometimes, stupidity is the best option, you just have to find the right kind of stupidity.

Louise of many names, daughter of the Duke de La Valliere, daughter of Karin the Heavy Wind, promised bride of Viscount Wardes of the Gryphon Knights, Royal Playmate of Crown Princess Henrietta de Tristain... was the biggest disappointment that anyone knew.

Her father, while not a martially inclined man, was credited with the defense of a great expanse of territory in times of great crisis and strife, and his economic acumen was said to have single handedly saved the Valliere state from bankruptcy immediately following his own father's pouring of funds into a pointless endeavor.

Her mother, pft, everyone knows who that woman is.

Her husband-to-be was one of her most impressive former trainees, a man who even at a young age made heads turn with his great power and impressive skill.

Her older sisters, both strong in magic, had significantly smaller issues to contend with. Truly, even though Cattleya had been doomed with a weak body and Eleanor with an abrasive personality that drove others away, the power of their magic and their ability in using it gained them and their family great prestige.

Louise had a sharp mind, and an excellent memory that allowed her to recall a great many pointless facts, but for all her virtues, her flaws were equally as great. She was weak, frail and small of body. Perhaps not as frail as Cattleya, but she was the shortest in her class by a fair margin, and it was not uncommon for her to be confused with a much younger student. Not to mention the lack of development of her feminity.

As if to compound the matter, she possessed a vicious temper with a fuse much too short, that frequently robbed her of her wit and intelligence, resulting in her being reduced to a shouting brute rather than being able to apply the same intellect that she utilized when studying magic.

Magic that she could scarcely use, without it blowing up in her face.

Magic like the summoning ritual. For the others, it was a relatively simple affair. They drew the circle, they cast the spell, that was it. They used the basic instructional manual provided by the academy.

For Louise, it had taken months of research. She needed to do this. She had to do it. It would be do or die. There was no try. There was no second chance.

So she did what she did best. She sat and buckled down, she commandeered the attention of a servant from the castle, one that knew how to read of course, the academy paid them more if they knew how to read so she knew they were in supply, and had her fetch research material. Louise had combed through almost all of the referenced material, looking for anything that might grant her the edge she needed.

She had not found anything like an alternate ritual, but she had found many tweaks and improvements on the circle and chant, she had found the description of the mathematics behind it, and for once thanked her father from the bottom of her heart for the boring and annoying lessons in advanced mathematics, as the man had prepared her for what few tasks she could do as a noble lady.

When it came time, she was ready. She had brought the appropriate tools, and had drawn a circle to mathematical perfection. She spoke the words in the right order, with the right timing. She waved her wand precisely and with great care.

She did the absolute best that could be done, far outstripping her peers.

And then it fucking exploded.

Louise rubbed the top of her head.

Because she had summoned a tall girl with bells in her hair, red and bright to remind her of Kirche, and mismatched eyes. As if that weren't enough, Louise was then subject to her summon's personality, which had started when the contract was formed with a touch of the lips, which the familiar seemed to take offense towards. Offense enough that she had violently retaliated, punching the top of Louise's head and screaming at her in some incomprehensible language.

Luckily, Professor Colbert had been paying attention and cast a translation spell, which helped them catch the tail end of the familiar's rant. It was "You shitty brat!"

Louise did not take it well and for once decided to cast an explosion instead of a proper spell. It went boom. A lot.

And it didn't do shit to the familiar. Didn't even singe her clothes.

"Your magic ain't gonna do shit, pinky," the familiar said, "it's clear you haven't got a clue who you're screwing with," she added, bending her knees slightly. "So I'm gonna inform you. Name's Asuna, I'm invulnerable to magic, and I'm gonna leave my footprints all over your asses unless someone tells me what the fuck is going on right now."

She did not take the explanation well.

Louise had finally managed to drag her familiar to her bedroom on the promise that they'd talk more after they'd rested.

Apparently Colbert 'looked respectable', she had said, so she trusted him enough to at least acknowledge that he had a point when he said they should deal with it in the morning.

However, when Louise proceeded to disrobe and tell her servant the what's what and who's who, by telling her to do her laundry... well, Louise was promptly reminded that her familiar was completely invulnerable to offensive magic when she was manhandled despite her attempts to explode her unruly servant, and left with a bump on her head, thrown on her bed, wearing her own panties on her head. "If you want clean undies, you're gonna have to go and clean them your damn self. What are you, some prissy princess or something?" she shouted.

Louise quaked underneath the stupidly strong familiar she had summoned, who also happened to be immune to any magical retaliation she could use. Because her familiar was lifting her dresser, looking for one of the bells she'd been wearing earlier. The ribbon had come loose in their brief struggle and it'd fallen underneath the dresser. Which she was lifting one-handed.

"What kind of monster did I summon?" Louise muttered to herself.

"Monster!?" said familiar cried, clearly offended. "It's like you've never even heard of self enhancement. What the hell do you even do with your magic? Geez, even at his worst at least Negi could figure some things out on his own!"

"... You're using magic," Louise said. "You're a mage."

"Hell naw," she said, smiling widely. "I'm a warrior first, the magic's secondary to that," she said, "I only use it so I can make myself stronger. I'm not good with spells and incantations and that kinda stuff."

Louise looked at her.

And then she fainted.

"Must've been more tired than I thought," her familiar said, scratching the back of her neck. Then she untied the other ribbon holding the remaining bells in her hair and laid them on the dresser. "I could do with a bath, though. I could wake her, but eh, whatever, I'll just go look around the grounds."

"Oh hey, weren't you with another girl yesterday?"

Louise had been wondering all morning just what she would do with her familiar. She had enslaved a noble. No wonder she'd been super pissed and belligerent. Given how strong her self enhancements were, and her outright absurd magical resistance, it was probably a very important noble.

Huh. She'd just realized, she didn't even know her familiar's name. She hadn't considered it important before, but now... it really was.

"That's a pretty shitty thing to do," oh and she was a vulgar howler monkey.

What was she even talking about, and to whom?

Oh. Guiche was apparently caught two-timing by her familiar.

"I mean, I knew this one guy who was dating like six girls at the same time," she explained, rubbing her chin as she seemed to fall into reminiscing. "Then again, they all knew about each other, and he wasn't trying to date all six girls at the same time, but he was the kind of idiot that can't say no," she said, chuckling a bit. "I wonder how they're all doing," she said.

"What are you even- Valliere, control your damned familiar!" Guiche said, "she has injured the hearts of two innocent maidens! I demand restitution!"

"I did what?" the familiar answered before Louise could. "Geez, is this like, a world of shitty brats or did I just meet the worst of the lot first? I've got enough to deal with thanks to that one," the familiar said, pointing with her thumb at Louise, "so I'm not gonna take attitude from this fop with an overblown ego."

"H-How dare you!" the boy screamed. "I've had enough of this! I challenge you to a duel!"

"Ah, whatever," she said. "Okay, since you challenged me, I get to name the terms, yeah?" she said.

"Humph," the boy huffed, "Whatever terms, your defeat shall be all but guaranteed, you brute! I had thought you a beautiful flower in need of correction, but I see now that you are a mere monkey, or even a mule, with your incessant braying."

"So are you done?" the familiar asked. "'cause we're fighting right here, right now. Oi, you," the familiar said, "Geez, I don't even know your name. I think he called you Valliere? Whatever, count to three and then say go, I'll rearrange his face then."

Louise blinked. Fucking hell. "Duels between nobles are forbidden!" she screamed, broken out of her stupor.

"Well if I'm right and this ain't my world, I'm not a princess here so what the hell does that even matter?"

"You're a what now?" Louise asked, her pupils contracting.

"It's not important," her familiar insisted, "besides, I left that life behind a long time ago. I'm just a warrior now," she said.

"This is but a jumped up commoner, with delusions of grandeur!" Guiche screamed, "I shall show you your place! Valliere, start the count!"

Louise sighed. There was already a crowd gathered around them. Resigning herself to her fate of humiliation once Guiche's Valkyries made short work of her familiar, she began the count.

"Go!" she shouted.

Guiche swung his wand, and then he was on the ground, clutching his nose.

"Goddamn you're slow, and you don't even have a barrier? What a waste of time," the familiar said. She had been ten paces away from Guiche merely moments before. "If you want to fight, pipsqueak, come back when you can at least make me notice you exist."

Guiche screamed. "MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!", except it was nigh incomprehensible thanks to his nose having been flattened. Then he swung his wand again, and a series of Valkyries sprung from dropped petals. The bronze constructs surrounded Louise's familiar and then attacked from all sides.

The familiar just kinda stood there and let them hit. "Is this supposed to be an attack?" she asked, clearly amused. Then she grabbed one of the Valkyries that was still swinging a spear at her and tore it apart with her bare hands, using the separated chunks as makeshift weapons to dispose of the rest.

"So," the familiar said, "unless you got something else for me, I think it's pretty obvious who's gonna win."

Guiche was now sobbing. "I yield! I yield! Spare me please!"

"What the fuck just happened," Louise wondered aloud, unknowingly echoing a great deal of students.

"So then she says: I think his you know what is getting you know whatter!" and at the time it was really awkward and dangerous but man oh man, that should've given me a clue, I would've never seen it coming otherwise- oh hey this is actually kinda delicious," the familiar said, putting a large chunk of cake into her mouth. Cake bought from Guiche's pocket money. "Say, I've been wondering for a while, is this going to be a thing, or are you going to introduce yourself at some point?" the familiar asked.

Louise blinked. "Honestly, it's been kind of a whirlwind since you showed up, so I never-"

Speaking about whirlwinds, Louise's hands went to her skirt to keep it in place as a gust of wind passed through.

Her familiar's underwear was displayed all around. She didn't seem bothered that her short skirt had done nothing to hide her privacy or the lacy, rather expensive-looking underwear that she wore. Louise blushed heavily. "Don't you even care?"

"Nah, I lost modesty. It's kind of a dumb thing to have for me, one way or another, somehow I always wind up naked in fights. If I kept getting hung up on that, I'd be dead already," she said. "Unless it's one of these little shits being a pervy little shit," she said. "Then we'd have a problem," she said, turning around and glaring at a few boys who had been giggling, clearly excited by the peek at an older girl's underthings.

"How?" Louise asked, genuinelly curious.

"Well, there was this kid who had a really bad problem with containing his magic, he was too strong at too young an age, I think, so when he sneezed he had accidental discharges of magic, and for some insane reason someone made a wind spell that disarms people, but also had the brilliant idea to make it turn softer materials like clothes and stuff like that into flower petals when it hit."

"And the accidental discharges..." Louise trailed off.

"Yeah," the familiar said, nodding. "And of course, who was the target? This girl, that's who," she said, pointing at herself. "I didn't even learn how to use the anti magic field well enough to protect my clothes for like, a year."

"Sounds rough," Louise admitted. "Then again, I envy that boy - I've got the opposite problem. My magic doesn't work, can't even do it accidentally."

"I think I have something like that, and my, uh, former teacher," she said, though Louise felt the need to add quotation marks in her head to that term, "had something like it too, though he just couldn't cast spells. Well, I technically can, I'm just unbelievably awful with them, it'd take me hours to memorize the simplest stuff. Funny thing is, I was a prodigy when I was a kid, guess I forgot all about how to be awesome at magic," the familiar said nodding. "Either way, you gotta work with what you've got."

"But I've got nothing," Louise said. "I can't cast even the simplest of spells, and if I can't, I- I-"

She didn't realize she had almost sobbed those last two Is. "Shit, it ain't that big a deal- wait, it's a social thing in this world, isn't it?"

Louise nodded.

"Ah, I getcha," she said. "You can't do magic, you're worthless, right?" she asked. "I've seen a few smaller, more insular societies that were like that. Anyway, you just gotta find what your magic does and become so good with that, that nobody has the balls to tell you that you suck. Anyway, so I think I'm gonna need a crash course on this world a' yours. I'm all ears, pinky."

Louise sighed.

"I ain't performing," her familiar said. "I don't give a shit," she added, "if you get pissy about it. I had enough of this crap with the school play and I'm not putting myself on a stage for your ego."

That would've been a problem, if it wasn't for the fact that a giant golem crashed the show, trying to punch down a tower.

"Come on, that's not even half the size of a Fierce God Soldier," her Familiar shouted, "is this seriously supposed to be threatening?"

And then Louise witnessed the capture of Fouquet the Crumbling Dirt, also known as Miss Longueville.

"I don't trust you," the familiar said, bluntly, sticking her pinky into her ear. "Also I really need to get my ears cleaned properly," she added. "Anyway, this guy's a creeper. Handsome as all hell, I'll give you that, but he's a creeper for sure."

"I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted," Wardes said. "But why do you say that, in any case?"

"Well," the redhead said, crossing her arms, "I like the older, rugged handsome type, and you pull that off very well. I especially like your beard," she said.

"Thanks, it took a lot of effort to grow it and groom it," the man said, genuinelly grateful for the compliment. "But that's not what I meant."

"Oh, the creeper thing?" the familiar asked. Then she turned to Louise. "She's like one forty and flat as a board. She looks like a little kid, and you're hot for her. You're a creepy pedophile and while I might not be one to talk about that, at least I was goddamn fourteen when I kissed the kid."

"... I am not even going to dignify that with a response," Wardes said. "Regardless, we must make haste. Louise, it would be prudent if we left this loud familiar here, rather than-"

"Oh, and now you're even trying to get her all alone. You're not even subtle!" the familiar shouted.

"Okay fine you can come too," Wardes said, "just please shut up and stop accusing me of pedophilia. I already get enough of that from my squad."

"I'm calling 'em like I see 'em, creepo."

"LOOK WHO WAS FUCKING RIGHT!" the familiar said, as she crossed her arms.

"You were wrong, I'm not a creepy pedophile!" Wardes shouted. "I wasn't even attracted to her, I just pretended because she's got a family I want on my side!"

"Yeah, and banging the kiddy-like girl was just such a sacrifice, I bet," the redhead with bells shouted. "Admit it you creep!"

"IT WAS!" he said, "I'm repulsed by her childlike body! I was gonna use any excuse I could get to lay with her sister instead! Nobody would even care!"

"You son of a motherless goat!" Louise screeched, "How fucking dare you!? Trading me away for Eleanor of all people!?"

"Not even I have taste that bad," Wardes replied, "I meant Cattleya!"

"Oh no you did not just fucking go there," Louise said, "you don't fuck with Cattleya, you son of a bitch! Familiar, destroy him!"

"Yanno, I should get pissed at being given orders by the pipsqueak, but this one time," the familiar said, as she walked towards Wardes cracking her knuckles, "we're in full agreement. You don't bang your girl's sister man, that's shitty!"

Wardes just roared and cast several arcs of lightning at the redhead.

It went as well as you'd expect.

"So what I'm getting out of this is that you're basically banging your cousin, and she sent you that letter telling you that your relationship's gotta end because she has to get married to this prince guy from another country," the familiar said. "Okay, so, I'm probably the product of incest myself, imma let that pass for now, but seriously, you're gonna just take this shit?"

"Well, what can I do?" the prince asked, downcast. "It's not like I can go into the castle, declare my undying love for Henrietta and damn the consequences!"

"That... went surprisingly well, all things considered," Louise said, turning to her familiar.

"You should've seen the shitshow weddings I've been to," the familiar said, snorting. "Once a guy dropped a meteor on the wedding cake just as they were about to cut it and-"

Then a meteor, or rather, a cannonball, hit the wedding cake. Most of it sprayed on the Princess, her Maid of Honor Louise, the Prince and their magic-invulnerable bodyguard.

Louise looked at the princess, saw her crying at her wedding being ruined and then she saw red.

There was no more Reconquista fleet.

"I've returned!" Guiche shouted, "and with the might and training from the legendary Derflinger, I shall-"

Louise watched her familiar once more down Guiche in one shot. It was a display so pathetic that even his sword didn't want anything more to do with him.

"HOW DO YOU MISS A GODDAMN HUNDRED METER TALL GOLEM!? ARE YOU BLIND OR STUPID!?" the familiar scream. "LET ME GUESS, IT'S BOTH, YOU USELESS PIPSQUEAK!"

"I MISSED BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE PAST YOUR HUGE SWOLLEN HEAD, YOU JUMPED UP HOWLER MONKEY!"

Kirche smiled. "They get along so well," she said. "Don't you think so?"

Tabitha nodded.

Louise was being dangled from her foot, with one hand protecting her modesty while the other swung her wand wildly, causing explosions everywhere.

One of them hit Tabitha's book as she held it. It went up in smoke.

"Are you okay with that?" Kirche asked.

"It was a boring book," Tabitha said, nodding.

"We'll get her to buy you a new one," Kirche said. "If only for the chance to make her squirm."

"Is that the princess? That's the princess," Kirche said. "And she's dressed... like a hooker."

"Kirche!? How dare you!" Louise protested, "the princess wouldn't dress like breeeeeasts," she said. "I... I can see the princess' nipples!"

"Why don't I get a reaction like that!?" Kirche said, bouncing in place so her breasts swayed. "I'm even an exotic beauty from a foreign country!"

Tabitha rose an eyebrow.

"Why don't we just ask what she's doing dressed like a hooker and go from there?" the familiar suggested.

"This is the dumbest plan I've ever heard, and trust me, I've heard some dumb shit."

Louise gasped. "I- I'm sorry, princess, I'll- I'll discipline her at once!"

"Okay, first, no," the familiar said, "and second, shut up now, the adults are talking."

"Ahm... uhm, well, I- I wanted to do something, anything. Now that Wales is taking over the everyday grind of paperwork, I, well..."

"You were bored and felt useless," Kirche said. "I get the feeling."

"Yes, exactly," Henrietta said, nodding.

"I would like boring," Tabitha mentioned. "Boring means peaceful reading."

"I wouldn't say reading is boring," Henrietta commented.

"You can have loads of fun reading," Louise added, nodding.

"Why, we spent hours upon hours reading stories in my room, did we not?" Henrietta asked, turning to Louise.

"Great, I'm surrounded by nerds, again," the familiar muttered.

"What are 'nerds'?" Kirche asked.

"It's not important," the familiar said. "What is important is that we have a dumbass princess walking around town with no guards, wearing what I can only describe as slutwear, and practically begging for something to go horribly wrong, just because she's hoping a corrupt noble hires her as a prostitute. I can't even begin to describe the many ways in which this plan sucks, so I'm just gonna say no."

"Y-You disrespectful-" Louise began, trembling in rage.

She was forced to stop when her familiar's hand came in a chopping motion down the top of her dome.

"Anyway, like I was saying, no, just... no," the familiar continued. "Anyway, this whole hunting corrupt politicians thing seems kinda fun. You got investigators, right?"

"Well, the musketeers do serve that role," the princess said. "They have uncovered quite a few leads into unsavvory actions from quite a few people, but not concrete enough evidence for-"

"Awesome," the familiar said. "Then why are you even bothering with this shit? You got the fuckers, just go into their homes and look for stuff they couldn't have legitimately bought or obtained, check their dungeons and stuff. Maybe even set up ambushes and stake outs and stuff like that. You're going to be crowned Queen soon, aren't you? Then queen it up!"

"... This went somewhere horrible and became completely hilarious," Kirche said. "Can we still do the honey trap, though? I would love to help bust some corrupt Tristanian officials. Back me up Tabitha."

"... I can't do a honey trap," Tabitha said, looking down on her flat chest.

"You know there are some creepy weirdos who like flat and short girls," Kirche said, "and I wouldn't be shocked if they're involved in more illicit activities. If anything, I think you're perfect for a honey trap!"

"No, just... just no," Tabitha said.

"Phooey," Kirche said. "Anyway, just tell me where you need me and I'll work my magic!"

"See? We got people who can do the dirty work for us. Anyway, I think we should..."

"So we can either go to war, where a bunch of people will die, or we can just go for the fucker using mind control to make the war happen," the familiar said. "I say option B."

"I vote for B as well. They are my people after all," Wales added.

"I also like option B," Henrietta said. "And I'm not just saying that because my husband chose it, for the record."

The scribe noted it.

"I think it's unanimous," Kirche said. "I mean nobody wants a war."

It kinda wasn't, but then again, everyone agreed that Count Mot wanted war only because he had no idea what War actually entailed. Besides, he was under investigation anyway, he likely wouldn't have his position in court much longer.

"Anyway, I talked with daddy, and Germania has agreed to the plan to make Reconquista crap itself in fear while we do the thing."

"What's the word on Gallia's position?" Henrietta asked Tabitha.

"They said no," Tabitha said.

"Officially?" Henrietta prompted.

"No need," Tabitha informed.

"Unofficially?"

"The King is secretly backing Reconquista," Tabitha informed. "I suggest assassination. In the most painful way possible. Slowly."

"Someone's got anger issues," the familiar said.

"It's your fault," Tabitha mentioned. "You told me to express my feelings."

The familiar nodded. "It's not healthy to keep them bottled up so much. Besides he's a dick."

Kirche nodded.

"So Plan B is a Go."

"You got any more zombies? That was kinda fun," Louise said.

She was covered in blood and zombie gore.

"I've never been able to cut loose with the explosions. For that and that alone, thank you," she said, freely. "But seriously, you're going to suffer for this."

Tabitha set down her cards. "Royal straight flush," she said.

"Fuck," Louise said. "Okay, fine, you can have her for a week."

"Excellent," Tabitha said. "By the time I'm back, I'll be Queen."

"Okay, sure, whatever, I'll just go home in the meantime."

"So you conquered Gallia," Louise said.

"More like beat up the King and put the rightful ruler in place," her familiar said, scratching her butt. "Also got a spiffy new costume out of the deal, so I got that going for me, which is nice."

"Excellent," Louise said. "That means I don't have to pay for your clothes now, right? How do you destroy everything anyway."

"I told you, it just happens, whenever I fight I wind up naked, even if it doesn't make any sense. Besides, you're already suffering the effects, aren't you?"

"Ugh, don't remind me," Louise said. "I had to get Cattleya to enchant my skirt so that a wind can't blow it up. I hate asking sis to do anything with magic, it hurts her!"

"Couldn't you ask your mom? She's super good with magic right?"

"Yeah, well, I did, but..."

Some time ago, in the Valliere estate...

Karin le Blanc de La Valliere, Karin the Heavy Wind, stood naked in front of the newest squadron of trainees. She had her fists on her hips and her sword wand in one hand. "If you can be flustered by the sight of naked flesh, then you're not even worth the time it'd take to kill you! By the time we are done training, you will be as insensitized to the female form as I am to my husband's wrinkly and haired nutsack!"

Louise flinched.

"Yeah that's not going to work," Louise said. "Mom doesn't even wear skirts, she only uses long dresses so it's not a problem for her anyway. Cattleya always wears gowns, but she did wear the uniform at some point, so she knows a few tricks."

"What about your other sister, the bitchy one?" her familiar asked.

"Well..."

Eleanor rubbed her chin. "Hm... I suppose I could try pantyshots..."

"... Let's just go with no."

"You'll learn eventually. Some day, fighting in the nude will be as natural as ramming your fist through an undead abomination's face."

"You're scared of the pointy eared people," her familiar said.

"Well it's easy for you to mock us, you're immune to magic, all of it!" Louise said. "These guys can do all sorts of weird stuff!"

"Louise you can create town-sized explosions that wipe out entire fleets of airships and make the universe roll over and play dead while you create portals across space, speed up time in localized areas, dispell any sort of previously existing magical effect and, if that weren't enough, you're also learning how to become stronger and tougher than most dragons. What the hell are you afraid of?"

"When you put it that way, being afraid of them does sound kinda silly..."

"You know, it just hit me," Louise said. "I never did learn your name. We always kept getting interrupted."

Beside her, her familiar shrugged. "I've heard of sillier running gags. Name's Asuna, Kagurazaka Asuna. Or Asuna Theotanasia Vesperina Entheophysia... I think."

"I'm not going to remember that, it's kind of a mouthful," Louise said.

"Don't worry, it's my goddamned name and even I forget it sometimes. Just call me Asuna."

"I was going to anyway," Louise said. "Anyway, what are we going to do about the Pope thing?"

"What we do every time, kid," Asuna said.

"Behave like idiots and hope punching the problem will make it solve itself?" Louise asked.

"Of course. It hasn't failed yet, has it? We'll let the smart guys pick up the pieces later."

"Sounds good to me," Louise said.

And then they killed a Dragon and Louise finally managed to learn how to teleport Asuna back to her Earth. Gateports were established between Mundus Magicus and Halkeginia.

Insert AndThenTheyAllFuckeddotjpg.

This was written because I was bored inbetween events in Fate Grand Order and having just finished Persona 5 (getting ready for the second, all-social-links-maxed run... and I'm also 100% certain that Kindness is glitched and takes a billion times as long to max).