It is all about pushing limits... Not a closed story, if this goes well I plan to add more to it as new situations occur to me.

A few words first…

This is my first Fifty Shades Story, my first published fan fiction in years! It took a while for another fandom to inspire me again, and I am glad it happened. English is not my first language, and I am working without a beta, so, if there are anyannoying mistakes, please let me know, I would really appreciate it. This is always a learning process.

This is not 100% canon. I chose Christian´s POV for the first chapters, because I felt I needed morefrom the character. "Grey" just wasn´t enough for me. I took a few liberties with the characters and the plot here and there. At first it was meant to be only a collection of vignettes that were playing in my head, and then it started growing as I wrote. The idea came to me when the first movie came out, when they released the Earned It videoclip, but only recently I began writing it. If I would have to place it within the trilogy, I would say that it takes place somewhere in Fifty Shades Darker, before the marriage proposal. I just wrote from my heart, for my own enjoyment, I didn´t worry about such details. I hope you´ll read it with the same spirit, so just enjoy it for what it is.

I am rating it M for safety, although the scenes won´t be very explicit. The use of some profanity is inevitable, otherwise Christian would not sound like himself.

The usual disclaimer: The Fifty Shades Trilogy belongs to E.L. James. I am just playing with some of the characters she created.

The following chapter will be posted next week. Reviews and comments are always welcome!

Thank you all for your patience, and happy reading!

Chapter 01

"Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face

And stars fill my dream

I'm a traveler of both time and space

To be where I have been..."

Led Zeppelin, Kashmir

"This is nice, isn´t it?" Anastasia murmurs.

Nice. There was that word again, she loved it. It was funny how she always used it as an understatement. Yes, it was nice, but it was also so much… more…

I could live anywhere in the world if I wished, but there were always those three main reasons why I chose to remain in Seattle.

My company, my family and the weather.

GEH was thriving, I had no reason to brood about that - perhaps my company was the only aspect of my life I was able to exert full and complete control.

My family… it was all there, written all over their faces whenever I met one of them with Ana by my side - a certain look in their eyes, as if an enormous load was at least partially relieved off their minds. That would be me: not gay, not celibate, not a serial killer. At least they could put their minds at ease, striking all of those other options. Just a sadistic Dom, but hey, they did not need to know about that one - ignorance is bliss! Yes, they were fine, all of them, and giving me enough breathing space for a change.

That left me with the weather.

I knew other successful CEO´s like me who preferred to run their companies while they jet setting around the world or from their high-tech home offices inside their villas in the South of France, but I think would always prefer to be exactly where I am now. Of course it rained on other places of the world, but there was something unique about rain in Seattle. Maybe it was only because it was the only home I´ve ever known. The only real home, at least.

Today is one of those lazy Sunday mornings, angry skies, literally in all shades of grey, rain falling heavily outside, tapping against the windows. As far as I can remember, I have always loved this kind of weather, the perfect balance of light and darkness... and perfect to certain indoor activities, the kinds of physical pursuits I enjoy the most. Not long ago I would be in the playroom in a day like this.

Not today. Not anymore.

Yes, that was… nice.

"Go back to sleep, Ana. It´s too early, we don´t need to get up yet." I whisper, kissing the top of her head.

"Mmmm. Love this."

When would she ever do what she was told? I sighed, as she continued her sleepy blabbering.

"I want to be trapped in time and space with you…" She yawned. I couldn´t help but smile - the always incurably romantic Miss Steele…

"You could fund some research on that, to stop time… Couldn´t you? Then we could always be here in… in our own private subspace…"

Alarm bells sound when I hear the word.

Subspace…

But then I frown because I have a feeling she is using it in a context different from the one I am used to. No, I don´t think she is aware of what the word could mean to someone like me.

"Subspace?" I smirk.

There are always interesting possibilities to explore inside Miss Steele´s mind, even when I can hardly keep my eyes open. Well, maybe I will save this one for a later time. It is one of the advantages of being blessed with a near eidetic memory. I rarely forget anything. Not a fucking thing. It is both a blessing and a curse.

I hear one of her delicious giggles in response. I can´t help but smile.

"I´m sorry, I guess I´ve been reading too much science-fiction these days. You know, for work." She mumbles and grumbles for a few moments about some brilliant new author SIP had discovered, and how she plans to convince the board to publish two of his books in a meeting next Tuesday. I don´t even think she is still completely awake - and I take advantage of that.

"Anastasia. Sleep. Now."

Good.

She responds immediately to that softer brand of my Dom´s voice and falls asleep again almost instantly. I soon follow, forgetting all about the Seattle weather and subspaces for the time being.

Here we are now, a couple of hours later. Same space, different time. Skies still look angry outside, although it is not raining so heavily now. I am fully awake and alert again. The feeling lingers, we are still here, where no one can ever intrude. I won´t allow it. I decide that I will not leave this bed today so soon. I will need a very good reason to convince me.

She is still asleep, all wrapped around me, she hasn´t moved a muscle since that subspace comment of hers. I don´t have the heart to wake her up, even though we are supposed to meet Kate and Elliot for lunch in a couple of hours or so. No, I think I´ll let that pass, I am going call them and cancel, the lousy weather making a near perfect excuse. I am certain that this time Ana won´t not frown upon the idea.

Since we´ve been trying renegotiated the basis of our contract things have become more intense, if that´s even possible. Anastasia´s complete trust is a priceless gift to me, and but I´m still testing her boundaries, pushing her limits. The old fear is still there, just beneath the surface - that the day would come when she will leave me again because I pushed her too far, because she might conclude that I am unworthy of her. However, fear is a feeling that has been a companion to me throughout most of my whole, fucked up life, and learning to live without it is proving harder than I what originally thought. Ana leaving me became another item to be added to the list of my recurring nightmares. What would Flynn say about that one? Our appointment next week should be interesting.

Only last Friday, however, Anastasia gifted me with something as close as a carte blanche as I could ever wish for. She told me candidly, but in very explicit terms during dinner that she was ready for me to test her limits. She nearly made me choke on my wine. I was baffled. Awestruck. I don´t remember being hit by that feeling in my gut ever since she told me she was a virgin.

"Say that again?"

"I´ll try everything. Once."

She was blushing when she said it - a very nice touch. I don´t think I would never run out of ways to make her blush, and I found that endearing, and highly stimulating to a man of my preferences.

"Everything?" I raised an eyebrow. "Now that is a very dangerous thing to say to a Dom, Miss Steele," I retorted, recovering myself. "You should never ever do that."

"I know. I think I like living dangerously after all, Mr. Grey."

Her blush only deepened.

My brave, brave Anastasia.

I wondered if in any of the fantasies she might have had with her literary heroes and villains, including the infamous Alex D´Uberville, ever compared to the reality I´ve shown her since the first day I brought her here to my penthouse. No whips and chains were involved in Tess Durbeyfield´s debasement. And yet, what I´ve shown her was nothing, only glimpses of the monster lurking just beneath the surface. One of those encounters with my demons had made her run, but now she is back. She swears she is not leaving me again, she says she is staying. But for how long?

"I´m trying to say that I´m not afraid anymore, Christian. That doesn´t mean I´ll be able to deal with everything you´ll throw at me. You´ll have to help me, you´ll have to work very hard to convince me. I can´t give you any limits because it´s all fuzzy now, I no longer know what they are. But you´ll probably need all of your infamous boardroom negotiation tactics. Not to mention your dark powers of persuasion."

Dark powers of persuasion?

Things were definitely improving!

"I love you. But the thing is that you took me there with you, to the edge of that dark world of yours. You tempt me, and I… and I…" She cleared her throat. "I am drawn to it. I am not saying I want to jump, but at least I want to… wet my toes a little bit."

The final admission came in a voice so weak that I could barely hear her.

"Can we do that? I´m so… Gosh, I never thought I would… This is so embarrassing!"

"It´s OK! It´s only us, Anastasia, and what we both agree to do together respecting our limits should not be measured against anyone else´s standards. It´s us."

"I don´t know, it is all so confusing. I want to understand it, Christian, I really, really do, but I… I can reach it. But I trust you implicitly, I trust you with my life. I know you won´t push me farther than I can go. I know you would rather die than do that. I know it because it´s the same for me. So, if I love your hands on me, if I love that… that freaking flogger, then why wouldn´t I… at least… try some of the other things because… it would be you. Only you. Does it make any sense? At all?"

And so, for the past few days I´ve been working very, very hard on… convincing her. In and out of the bedroom, or the playroom. Basically in every surface of the penthouse where I could have her. Needless to say, the whole process had been very intense so far, my poor Ana certainly needs the rest.

As for me, I still feel restless, like I am sailing on uncharted waters. It´s a feeling that I am not very comfortable with. Anastasia was never easy to read, even for me, a master in reading people and their body language. She was a challenge from day one. I think she is still in the middle of some kind of learning process I cannot understand, since my own sexual initiation was completely twisted and outside every possible norm. To put it simply, I - fifty shades fucked up as I am - was not exactly the right kind of man for a girl to start exploring her sexuality with. Sometimes I thought that I had been wrong in taking matters in my own hands that night in my penthouse, solving the situation, as I put it ironically back them. I should have let her go to another man who would initiate her gently, in a more conventional setting, but the very idea made me cringe and filled me with such cold fury that in the end I did the only thing a self-respecting dominant would do in a similar situation.

The point is that, from the beginning, I had failed to realize so many things about her, things that today seem so obvious to me.

Little things.

For instance, she was - she is too caught up on semantics. I realized that she is more fearful of the words than of the reality behind them. She is, in a way, a delightful mass of contradictions, and those different aspects of her personality are often in conflict, always clashing, and it shows. And so, she rebels now and then, she purposely defies and provokes me - but lately, as crazy as it may seem after all that we´ve been through together, she seems more disappointed when I don´t punish her than afraid that I actually will. I know she still struggles with the idea of pain. She enjoys it up to some degree, but part of her still thinks it is wrong to feel that way, and she doesn´t yet understand the need and the pleasure anyone can feel by inflicting it – me, in particular.

A hell of a conflict!

I suggested a few appointments with Dr. Flynn, but she rolled her eyes at the idea - duly noted, palms twitching, I´m still waiting for a proper opportunity to make her pay for that one.

She is still resting now, her head in my chest, legs entwined with mine. I feel the soft flutter of her eyelashes against my chest, in that zone forbidden for every other human being - except her. Her right hand rests against my left hip. I grab it and place it where it rightfully belongs, above my heart. The weight of her hand is, at the same time, comforting and disturbing.

I take a deep breath. She stirs, but does not wake up. Instead, she mumbles something about… cats.

I frown.

I am about to make a mental note to ask her what the hell we could be doing with cats in the penthouse, but when she whispers something about canes being my weapon of choice I know she means a completely different kind of cat.

A cat o´nine tails…

I smile.

Now this poses some very intriguing possibilities.

The fact is that Anastasia Steele too is having some very interesting recurring dreams lately. She won´t tell me about them, no matter how much I tried to coax it out of her, but the bits and pieces she mumbles in her sleep are… interesting. Canes, cats o´nine tails and whips. Clamps of every kind. Ropes. Hot wax? I wonder which ones of my dark powers of persuasion - as she calls them nowadays - I would use to convince her to tell me exactly what those forbidden fantasies of hers are.

My thoughts take a dangerous turn. I am now painfully hard, and Anastasia is still Sleeping Beauty wrapped around me. I have no heart to wake her just yet, I decide to control myself and allow her a few more moments of rest. I turn on the large screen TV. There is a music video playing, and I try to focus my attention on it.

It proves not to be such a good idea after all.

A favorite of Anastasia, and I ask myself if she had ever actually seen the video clip, loaded with BDSM elements. No, I don´t think she has, she would tell me about it, for sure. The Weeknd´s Earned It. I look at the line of subs in black leather and latex. A pity Ana probably wouldn´t be caught dead in one of those outfits, I chuckle.

"No," she says, as if reading my mind. She is staring at the big screen, her eyes wide open.

Titania awakes, I smile. Good.

"No?"

"No. Hard limit," she yawns. "Incidentally, that´s very unattractive, if you ask me."

"Depends on the point of view."

"No, it doesn´t."

"Are you sure?"

"Christian," her voice, still heavy from sleep, is adorable. "if you come anywhere near my butt with a roll of black tape, I swear I´ll…" she stops suddenly. "Oooh…"

The beautiful brunette model appears, descending from above, artfully suspended by ropes. Anastasia simply stops breathing.

"Wow," she says.

Actually, I think I stop breathing too. Long, flowing brown hair. The model could very well be Ana.

Fuck!

"Wow," she repeats, letting out a huge breath.

"Anastasia?"

"Uhm...?"

Well, I admit, I was disappointed when she struck out suspension from that infamous contract of ours. It was one of the things I was really good at.

Better than good.

I remember that as soon as I bought my first company jet, on a whim, I decided to travel to Japan for few days, to learn more about the proper technique of shibari - Japanese rope bondage. An art form, not very easy to learn, not because the technique is impossibly complicated, but because there are few who are willing to share their knowledge. The reason is simple and understandable: there are very serious safety issues involved, so there is no room for amateur practitioners or wannabe Doms in seedy BDSM clubs trying their hand at it. However, after some extensive research I discovered this little Japanese nawashi - a rope master - who would take a disciple from time to time. The best in the world, and I always aimed for the best - I still do. I offered to send the jet to bring him to me, but the diminutive old man was practically a hermit and refused to leave his village.

So, I went to him.

My staff probably thought it was just another one of my therapies - like I said, I only tell them what they need to know. Ana would say it was a sad misuse of company property. But, no matter how inappropriate by some standards, it was totally worth it. He refused at first, as I expected. In the end I discovered that money meant little or nothing to him, but what he could not resist was an unlimited supply of his favorite sake and an endless supply of the natural-fiber rope that is traditionally employed in shibari. To this day I have to keep myself from laughing whenever my parents ask me how I managed to learn to speak some Japanese so fast. If they only knew! All it takes is the right incentive - is my usual standard answer.

My newly awakened beauty stirs again, she raises her head slightly, and her eyes squint, trying to take a better look at the TV screen.

"Mmmm…"

"One or two more vowels and consonants could be useful, you know," I tease. "I need to know what you are thinking. Right now."

But Ana still struggles with the words.

"That girl. Is… is she… Wow. Is that…?"

"That is the fine art of shibari."

"What?"

"Rope bondage."

"Oh."

"A pity suspension a hard limit for you, remember? You struck it out." I say, although I doubt that it is still the case. Like the clamps and a few other things, she is more scared by the words than by what they actually mean. And now that she is having a little sample - although a very glamorized version - she appears to be… mesmerized.

"What? No. I mean yes. Hard limit… Mmmmm… But… Oh… Wow." She says finally. She looks adorably disgruntled.

I pause, freezing the screen with the image with the beautiful brunette in bondage against a fake night sky and a glittering crystal chandelier.

"Miss Steele, what am I going to do with you?" I smirk, tightening my hold on her.

"Whatever you wish, Mr. Grey," she fires back at me, her voice unusually docile. "Whatever your heart desires."

Was she serious?

"Careful," I warned her, sternly.

Don´t do that to me!

Another giggle is her only reply, as she lets her head fall back in the pillow. Her legs tighten around my right thigh. I feel it then, on my skin. Is she…? She is. I would have to do something about that very soon, of course. But not yet. Our little talk is taking an interesting turn, and the man of business that I am cannot miss that precious and rare opportunity. Hadn´t she said that I would need all my best boardroom tactics and dark powers of persuasion to break through her defenses? Well, Miss Steele, time to put that into practice.

Boardroom tactics and dark powers of persuasion…

And so it begins!

Oh wait.

"Where are you going?" I ask, tightening my hold on her, when she tries to escape me.

"I need to… you know." She points to the bathroom.

While she is gone, I look critically at the suspended submissive. I count one, two… seven suspension points, the first and most important one located on her center of gravity, around her belly button, then around her hands, breasts, hips, knees and the left foot. I am already thinking that with Anastasia I would use an extra one. I would also add a few extra knots to stimulate a few points where I knew she was particularly sensitive. The girl´s right foot was hanging loose, possibly because of some desired kind of artistic effect.

I didn´t like it.

No, I wouldn´t have that, I didn´t need that. Symmetry in this kind of rope work makes it safer. Asymmetry, on the other hand, is often used to cause discomfort and pain, and although that used to be interesting with my former submissives, it wasn´t the case with Ana. I noticed that her hands were tied in front - that I liked. In the past I preferred to tie my subs with hands on their back, but I noticed that is made Ana slightly uncomfortable at times. If we really did this I had to remove every possible source of discomfort to her. Finally, the girl was wearing some kind of body suit that gave the initial impression that she was naked. Well, no body suit would be needed for my beautiful Ana - the trouble would be to convince her to agree to that.

She returns only a moment later and catches me still staring fixedly at the girl on the screen.

"Stop gawking at her," she exclaims. She was frowning, her voice was serious. Miss Steele is hardly immune to the little green monster. She tries to slap my arm playfully, but I grab her hand before she succeeds and pull her to me.

"And close your mouth, Christian," she taps my chin lightly.

"I was studying the technique," I say emphatically.

Seriously, I was!

"Technique my ass."

Speaking of which, I slap hers, playfully.

"Ouch! What the…?"

"Foul mouthed so early in the morning, Miss Steele? What has gotten into you today? Come here," I arrange her until she is wrapped around my body again, just like before. I place her hand in my chest and hold it there.

"Don´t move." I say. "What are you thinking? Tell me. I need to know."

"It´s not really like that, is it?" she is looking fixedly at the screen again. "I mean…"

"When it is properly done, yes, it´s pretty close to that," I say. "Although I would make one or two changes."

"I would be surprised if you wouldn´t!"

"It takes a lot of skill and training to do something like that. It can be dangerous, even deadly if done wrong, but it´s considered as close to art form as a bondage technique can get. That -" I point to the screen - "That is exceptional good work. It must have taken hours to tie her up properly. See how perfectly stable she is, no sign of pain or distress in her face?"

"She could be just acting," she suggests.

"If there was any discomfort it would show. She would be twitching all over the place, I doubt they would even be able to film it. It´s not easy to work against gravity."

"If it takes hours… It´s a matter of delayed gratification, then."

"Yes, it is more about the journey than the destination. A point well made, as usual, Miss Steele."

"And you have both, of course. I mean, the skill and the training?"

"You know I do. I learned from the best."

"Of course you did." She sighs. "Did you learn that from Mrs. Robinson?"

That was unexpected. I cringed.

"No, not Elena, it wasn´t her style. Far from it. I went to Japan once, for two weeks, to learn from one of the rope masters. I return every year whenever possible, to learn more and perfect my technique. I hurt a sub once using a rope, and it was a mistake I wasn´t willing to repeat, ever again."

She raises her head and frowns at me.

"Seriously? You let another big bad Dom do that to you?"

I laugh at the absurdity of her idea.

"No, but I usually watch as the nawashi - that is how the rope master is called - demonstrates the proper technique. A model or one of his subs usually volunteers."

"I´m sure they do…" she whispers, almost distractedly, her eyes wide.

"Next time I´ll take you with me - if you want." I suggested.

No, Grey. Too soon. Give her time to get used to the idea.

"Mmm," she didn´t answer. "The girl. She does look… peaceful, almost."

"That is because, she might be in one of the early levels of subspace. Shibari, when rightfully done, is one of the best techniques to induce it. As I said, I doubt she is acting there."

"Subspace…"

"Yeah."

"Why do I have a feeling that it has nothing to do with science fiction?" her frown deepens.

"Because in my world it doesn´t. You don't remember from your extensive research when I gave you the contract?"

"You mean BDSM 101?"

That smart mouth of hers…

"I don't think Wikipedia covered the topic when I did my research. And I don't think you ever supplied me with a proper definition either, master."

"I love it when you call me that. You know what it does to me."

I decide not to play fair as I gift her with my best Dom´s stare. She instantly responds to it - her pupils dilate, her breathing increases.

Not a sub my ass, the little devil still living inside my head whispers.

Shut up!

"I know." Then, her eyes roll, when a thought occurs to her. "But if you get carried away and start calling me pet I won´t…"

"Tell me then," I interrupt her little outburst - I would deal with that one later. "Would you like a proper semantic clarification of the meaning of subspace or would you prefer my own, twisted and fucked up version of the term?

"I'll always take you own words, as fucked up and twisted as they might be, Mr. Grey. Please."

"I'm surprised, considering your unusual obsession with semantics."

"Just tell me, Christian."

"When you are in the playroom with you Dom…"

"You mean you?"

What?

"He better be me, Anastasia."

She giggles. "I´m teasing you, Christian!"

The Dom stare is back in full mode, and the smile freezes in her lovely lips. She bites them, hard.

It´s time I begin my counting.

Strike one.

"Yes, sir," she murmurs shyly, but that mischievous glint in her eyes.

I begin speaking, in a commanding tone that defies any further interruptions.

"Imagine that you are in bondage, completely restrained. Perhaps your eyes are covered, perhaps you're gagged. Or both."

"No gagging. I don´t think I like that very much."

"Fine. Your eyes are covered. You trust your dominant with your life, so you just… let yourself go. You relinquish control, completely. You give yourself to him, you revel in what he does to you. You crave his darkness, you live and breathe for it. Pleasure, pain, fear, shame, it doesn't matter, as one becomes the other. Safe words lose their meaning, soft, hard limits, all gone. You just feel. You fly. It's like a trance, better than any drug ever invented by man. Not every submissive is lucky enough to experience this, not every Dom is skilled enough to provoke it. Or responsible enough, because it is a state where the submissive is completely vulnerable, extremely vulnerable, and might not might not be able to safe word, for example. It requires extreme, blind trust…"

Silence reign for a few seconds, while she seems to be absorbing my words, going to a place inside her beautiful mind that only belongs to her, where I can´t reach her. It´s an idea I love and hate at the same time.

"Wow. I like your fucked up definition, Mr. Grey. I like it a lot," she says finally.

"We aim to please, Miss Steele. Always. Of course in medical terms it´s nothing but an endorphin shock."

"Not fun at all, I still pick yours. Where did you get I that? Wikipedia?"

"Nope. BDSMwiki."

She laughs.

"Unbelievable. Is there such a thing?"

"Oh yes. Very complete and extremely accurate. You´d be surprised."

"Nothing about this dark world of yours surprises me by now. Your knowledge of it baffles me. You should write a book one of these days."

"Perhaps I will. You could help me," I tease her.

"Naah, mine would have a different title. I was thinking "Ana´s Comprehensive Guide for Beginner Submissives""

"Mmm… you might have something there, Miss Steele."

"Have you ever been to subspace?" I should know that this question would come sooner or later. "With her?"

Mrs Robinson. Elena.

"Always so eager for information, aren´t you, Miss Steele?"

"You don´t have to…"

"No, I can't say that I have," I interrupt. No hiding from her anymore, not if I could help it. "Maybe I was close once or twice, but I never fully trusted her. Full and complete trust is essential."

"Tell me." She seems surprised.

"There are hard limits and hard limits, Anastasia. Different levels of it. You can push some of them, but some are simply... insurmountable. She made the mistake of pushing through one of mine early on and I never fully trusted her again."

"She tried to touch you," she guesses, horrified, now that she fully comprehends what it means. Her hand in my chest twitches, I cover it with mine and hold it firmly because I don´t want her to remove it.

Not now.

I need it there, because in moments like these, I never know how far she will probe, how far she will take me, the little secrets I´ll have to reveal to her. It´s when tables are turned, and she starts pushing my limits, instead of me pushing hers. It´s still a feeling I am trying to get used to.

I swallow and decide to continue. She is my lifeline, she deserves to know. Everything. The trick is that I never know how much I will be able to tell her.

"She did a lot more than just try. The first time we were together, she..."

"You don´t have to tell me. Oh my God, Christian!"

"She didn't know, OK?"

"And you still defend her?" she is angry now, her whole body around me tenses. The mere mention of Elena´s name did that to her - but she was the one who started it this time.

"She didn´t know," I repeat, more emphatically.

"Are you freaking kidding me?"

Yes, she is mad.

"She knew, Christian. She knew. You told me she knew you since you were eight, how could she not?"

"That is not the point," I interrupt her briskly - I didn´t want to go there, not now. "The point is that it didn't stop me from agreeing to become her submissive, even though she never had my full and complete trust again."

"I bet she did not like that. Not one bit," she remarked acidly.

"She didn´t, and she knew how to use it against me. I never knew when she would… strike. I never knew. It kept me on edge all the time, and she used that shit against me. Sometimes it made me hold back, and that infuriated her, and she would became… vicious. She would beat the crap out of me when she was in that mood."

"Did she touch you again after that first time? Did she try?"

I breathe.

"Christian!"

"No, she did not quite touch me, ever again, but she... She did something else."

Words catch in my throat. I try another approach, an easier way to say it even if I knew there was none.

"The last time I subbed for her, she…"

No. Never again.

"It´s all right, that´s enough… You don´t have to…"

"Yes, I do!" I nearly shout, and she jumps.

You took me this far, Anastasia, now deal with it, I wanted to yell at her, but somehow I controlled that urge.

I felt it all resurfacing again, uncontrollable thoughts too dark for me to linger upon. One fist clenches, the other, still holding her hand to me, tightens on her wrist. I can´t breathe all of a sudden. I hold her against me, firmly, desperately. It vaguely occurs to me that I might be hurting her, but I am still unable to let go. I don´t want her to see me like this. Not now. Not ever again. If she only knew what I am capable of doing to her when I am like this, the very depths of my depravity, she…

The thought brings me back to the present, but instead of more panic, it brings me control, which I exert by letting her go. That is one a hell of a paradox! Flynn would have a field day with it.

I slacken my hold on her wrist. She relaxes.

And stays.

Thank heavens for small miracles!

"I´m sorry. Did I hurt you?" I ask, gruffly, rubbing her wrist.

"No, I´m fine." Her voice is weak. I chastise myself for scaring her to death again. "You didn´t hurt me, Christian. I´m OK."

"Sure?"

"Yes." She reassures me by kissing an interesting little spot she discovered, under my chin. I take a large, calming breath.

"She poured hot wax on my chest," I let the words flow like an avalanche, faster than I could control. It was the only way I could tell it to her.

She is quiet after that. Too quiet.

One minute, two.

She doesn´t flinch, doesn´t move. I can´t tell what she is feeling, what she is thinking. It is unsettling, I don´t like it. I hate it. Because I know her mind a little bit right now. She has to be disgusted, horrified.

"Ana? Still with me?"

"Yes. Is that why you switched and became a Dom?" she asks, carefully, her voice still shaking. "Was that the trigger?"

Where had she picked up that word? Flynn maybe? I close my eyes.

I remember then…

Lying down on the cold marble floor of her playroom, Elena Lincoln on top of me, the cruelest expression I´ve ever seen on her face. I´d been making too many decisions regarding my own life lately and she didn´t like my newly discovered independence. Leaving Harvard. Wanting to start my own business. She was losing control over me, and she was trying hard to regain it in the playroom.

My hands were tied with my own tee-shirt, she told me too keep them above my head.

Hot wax slowly dripped on my chest.

Hot wax.

She could have poured it anywhere else but not there.

Not. On. My. Chest.

It hurt. A pain that went beyond the physical, a pain only I knew how to describe.

I couldn´t breathe, I couldn´t… Not even to say the fucking safe word. Then I realized that my hands were lose because I had fought so hard when I saw what she was going to do that the knots came lose. She hadn´t realized it - no, knot tying was definitely not her area of expertise. I acted before I could think. I reversed our positions - I was on top, holding her hands above her head.

Never again.

There was this huge rush of adrenaline, something I had never felt before, and I was so fast I tied her hands with that same tee-shirt before she could blink twice. The look of surprise in her face is something I´ll never forget.

Surprise… and fear. Of me.

Never again, I repeated to myself.

She struggled against the knots, unsuccessfully. I smile wickedly, then I proceeded to give her a healthy dose of her own medicine…

That was the day Christian the submissive was dead and buried and Master Grey was born.

However, I am not ready to tell Ana any of that, not just yet.

"Yes," I admit. "It was the trigger. But not the only one. It´s more complex than that, I´m afraid, as any of my charlatan therapists would gladly explain to you."

"Tell me something else, then."

"Yes?"

I am tense. What now? I don´t think I can take any more of this today.

"I kind of feel that every time you take me to your playroom. The subspace thing. It´s like a trance."

"Kind of?"

"You´re good!"

I smile smugly.

Yes, I am.

And to have a reluctant submissive like Anastasia admit that is music to my ears.

"The first time you took me there I was too overwhelmed, but when you played the Thomas Tallis music..." she continues.

"Yes," I breathe in relief.

"Why didn't you tell me then? About the subspace thing."

"Because things were just too fragile between us then, it was all so new. You were still practically an innocent, it was only your second or third time in the playroom. If I told you that I could take you to a stage where you probably wouldn´t be able to use the safe words… You would freak out."

She winces.

"Does that mean I'm a submissive after all?"

Her voice sounds… defeated. That I don´t like.

"I don´t know, maybe you are, but only in bed with me, Anastasia. Nothing wrong with that. I told you before, it doesn´t mean you are meek, it doesn´t mean you are a push over or that you lack personality. It means only that in a very restricted area of your life you tend to relinquish control to me, that is all. Other than that - you are a force of nature. Uncontrollable. Fiercely independent. It drives me mad. You know that, don´t you?"

"Look who's talking." She rolls her eyes at me. Again. "Uncontrollable force of nature my a… my behind!"

Strike two, Miss Steele. Duly noted.

"Is there such a thing as a domspace?" she asked.

"Now that is a very scientific question. That´s highly debatable. But if there is, I may have found it with you." I slap her butt to make my point.

"Ouch! I´d like to try that."

I decide to misunderstand her on purpose, only to push her a little bit.

"Domspace? Slapping my butt? In your dreams, baby."

"Christian!"

She is such a joy to tease.

"Anastasia, you go to your subspace whenever we are in the playroom. You go there every time we fuck, make love, have sex, no matter how we decide to call it. And I am there with you. That is a fact. You only didn´t know there was a name for it."

And then she reminds me that she is always full of surprises.

"All right, I get the subspace thing, but I meant I´d like to try the ropes. Suspension. Shibari. Whatever the name is, I´d like to try that."

"Are you sure? Don´t mess with me about this Ana. Just don´t."

The lip biting is back.

Strike three.

"Yes, I´m sure. But I don´t want to go to Japan to be tied up by a wishywashy master…

"Nawashi…" I correct, but she ignores me.

"… but I want to be that girl over there. With you."

"Ana…"

"Yes. Please."

"OK."

I am deceptively quiet, but my mind is at warp speed.

Oh, the possibilities!

Mentally I am already calculating how many yards of rope I would need, and I realize I don´t have enough in the playroom. I haven't done that kind of extensive rope work in a while. That means we would have to go shopping.

And I knew just the place.

It would be... fun!