Chapter 19—Kiss and Tell

"W-what do you mean that's your real name?" Christian asks me as he stares at me, looking as if I just told him that I'm a girl that's been dressing as a boy, made him think he was gay and had a full-on make out session with him. Yes, he's looking at me like I'm crazy.

I look away from him, not really sure if I want to see what he's truly thinking. Well, what were you thinking, you just can't make out with random people!

"My real name is Anastasia Steele," I tell him quietly, chancing a glance up at him only to find him gaping at me like a teenage boy seeing boobs for the first time.

His shocked expression turns into one of fury, something I wasn't expecting. "You've been a girl this whole time! You let me kiss you and didn't bother to mention that you were a girl!" He's really tugging at his hair now, and I fear he may be bald by the end of the day. "How could you let me think I was gay this entire time? Oh, man, I even had my mother lie for me just so I can get away from you for a little bit, only to come back and find out what I was feeling was completely normal and you lied to me! Were you ever even going to tell me, or were you going to let me think I was gay for the rest of my life?"

He glares at me and I avoid his gaze. "I don't know," I answer.

"You don't know!" he screams at me. "Jesus, do you even understand what could have happened, what I could have done . . ." He trails off as he runs his hands down his face and paces about the room. I don't know what I can say at this point that will calm him down. I'm still too scared to tell him the truth but what other reason could I give for telling him I came to this all-boys school dressed like one of them. I love looking at boys so much I wanted a free access pass to peep shows? I'll sound even crazier if I said something like that.

"Why didn't you just tell me you were a girl from the beginning? Why are you even dressed as a boy?" he questions me. "And tell the truth, you know, if you're even capable of doing that."

This time I glare at him. He's making it seem like I came here dressed the way I am with the intentions to seduce him and deliberately make him think he's gay. "Of course I can tell the truth. I get you're upset but there's no need to insult me."

"Insult you? I'm the one who should be insulted. You made me question my sexuality!"

"It's not like I did it on purpose!" I yell back at him as I jump to my feet, frustrated that he's continuing to screech at me. "I didn't come here just for you, to lead you on and make you think you were gay. I didn't plan on any of this happening, okay! I never planned to ever be in this position, but there's just things you can't control, and you don't know what to do about it and the one person that you think that is supposed to protect you from all the monsters of the world leads you right into the Devil's den. And stop yelling at me like I did this to you on purpose, that I'm here because I wanted a boy I didn't even know to think he was gay. I have more important things to think about than whether you're gay or not. I have to manage to keep a lie I still have no idea how to pull off going until my father gets home just so I can stay alive and stay sane. So stop being selfish and making everything about you!" And as if my life can't get any worse than what it is now, I burst into tears and flop pathetically onto my bed as I cover my face with hands so he can't see me ugly cry.

I sob into my hands, copious amounts of tears, slobber and snot coating my hands as an overwhelming sense of homesickness overtakes me. I just wish I could go back and live with Ray. I wish I can go back in time and tell him not to volunteer to go to Iraq. I wish my mother actually believed all of the things I told her about her lunatic husband. And I really wish Christian wasn't here as I continue to throw myself a pity party and drown in my sorrows and tears.

I feel the bid dip as he sits down next to me and I bury my face deeper into my hands. I don't want him to see my snot covered, tear stained face and I honestly don't think I want to look at him right now either. If he just controlled his hormones we wouldn't be in this position. You're one to talk, you wanted it just as bad as he did!

"Andy, um, I mean, uh, Ana, I—I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were here for a serious reason. You're right I am pretty selfish. And an ass. Really, I'm sorry, please stop crying. I don't know how to comfort crying girls," he admits awkwardly as he rests his hand on my shoulder.

I sit up and turn away from him as I wipe my face on the hem of my shirt, then turn to face the opposite side of the wall with the window, still avoiding eye contact with him. I see him get up out of the corner of my eye and go to the bathroom. He returns a couple moments later with some toilet paper.

Taking it, I say, "Thank you." And wipe my tears away and then wipe my nose. We sit on the edge of my bed quietly, the only sound heard within the room are my hiccups. I gaze out the window and watch as the birds fly through the air, and I find myself a little envious of them. They can come and go anywhere they wanted with a flap of their wings. I wish I had that type of freedom.

"I really am sorry," Christian whispers next to me.

I glance at him from the corner of my eye then looks away as I wipe my nose again. "I know," I whisper back.

"Do you hate me?" he asks, and his voice sounds so uncertain and vulnerable that I can't not look at him anymore.

"Why would I hate you?" I ask with genuine curiosity.

"Well for starters, I was your first kiss—I mean, I didn't even ask you if that's what you wanted I just did it. Oh, shit, I didn't even ask you for permission." His hands find his hair again and start to tug. "I took advantage of you, I'm so sorry, if you want to tell I understand, but—"

"No," I say rather sharply. I look up at him once he stops rambling. "I won't tell anyone. I can't. And if I didn't want to be kissed by you I would have stopped it."

I see the corner of his lips pull up a little, but it happened so fast that I almost missed it before they turn into a frown. "Why wouldn't you tell anyone?"

"Because Principal O'Brien and all the teachers think I'm a boy and I need it to stay that way. They can't find out who I really am."

"Why not?"

I sigh, then turn to look him in the eye. He looks truly curious, but I'm not sure if I can trust him. What if he tells one of his friends, and they tell, and then everyone knows, and then it somehow reaches my mother. She'll come get me and I'll know she'll bring that thing with her. I never want to have to see him again.

I feel a warm hand rest on my fidgeting hands and look up to meet Christian's gaze. "You can trust me. Whatever you tell me, I promise never to tell unless you say it's okay. I would never do that to you."

I stare into his eyes, and with an odd realization, I realize that I do trust him. I think I've always trusted him. I just didn't trust myself.

"If someone realizes I'm a girl and learns what my real name is, or a teacher finds out, my mother will come and get me."

"And that's a bad thing because . . .?"

"She's married to this horrible man. He has said and done horrible things to me."

I feel Christian tense next to me. "Has he . . . touched you?" His question comes out as a growl and I'm not sure if I should answer him or not.

"He's tried to."

"Did you tell your mother that?"

"Yes. She didn't believe me."

"Why not?"

I shrug my shoulders. There's absolutely no way I will ever know why my mother thinks the way she does. I can only hope that when I'm her age and have my own kids, I will never ever be like her.

"You said that you need to stay her until your father comes home. Where is he at?"

"Iraq."

"Does he know you're here?"

I shake my head. "No." Or at least I don't think so. All of his letters that he may have sent will be delivered to my mother's home in Vegas. I doubt I will ever see them. I'm sure they've been burned and tossed by now.

"Did you have any other family you could have gone to?"

"No. And if I did they would have most likely told my mother and she would force me back."

"Why did you run away in the first place?"

I look up at him and try to hide my smile despite his endless inquisitions. "Are you going to keep asking me questions all night?"

He rubs the back of his neck nervously and looks away. "Uh, I'm sorry, I realize this may be a little difficult for you. I'm really screwing this all up, aren't I?" I watch as his hands reach for his hair again, but I gently pull his arms down back to his lap.

"It's okay, I was just teasing you." I give him a small smile to know that I'm not upset with him. "As for your question, my mother's husband cornered me one evening and I don't think his intentions were just to talk to me." I still shiver at the look he gave me as he stalked toward me, a disgusting leer in his eye. "Before he got a chance to do anything, or I got the chance to scream, my world turned dark. I think I passed out or had a panic attack. I don't remember, but I do remember waking up on the floor in the same spot he cornered me in. I told my mom later that night what he did and what I think he was trying to do and she told me to stop being dramatic. I felt pretty hopeless but I knew I couldn't stand to live in that house with him anymore. If he got the chance I think he may have . . . raped me."

Christian doesn't say anything for a moment, but I find myself fascinated by the clicking muscle in his jaw. It's kind of like a homing device in a way, pulling me closer and closer toward him.

"Does your mother live in Washington?"

"No. She lives in Las Vegas."

He frowns. "Why did you choose to come here?"

I shrug. "My father lives in Montesano, and this school isn't too far away. Plus, I thought it would be to my advantage enrolling myself in a school full of boys if my mother were to come looking for me."

"You don't think she's searching for you now?"

"I don't know. Probably not. She's always been selfish and hated having to take care of me. I'm sure she's probably happy I'm no longer a burden to her, but there's always that chance that she would be looking for me, just in case someone questions my disappearance. Though, I'm sure once my father comes home she'll definitely start looking then."

"Why would she do that?"

"Because she's scared my father will stop sending her child support if he realizes she hasn't been taking care of me."

"Which she hasn't been," Christian mutters, and I can hear the disgust in his voice.

We both lapse into silence again, falling back into our own minds as we think about everything I've just said. I take a moment to study Christian and see a deep frown shadowing his eyes. He looks really pensive and I can only wonder what's going through that beautiful mind of his.

I wonder now, since he knows everything, if he'll treat me like the charity case I practically am. Will he still find me attractive? Will he still find me attractive as a girl just as he was when he thought I was a boy? I assume since he was so upset for making him believe that he was gay that he would probably be more attracted to me now that he knows I have the receptacle he prefers.

"I think we should start over," he suggests. When I frown at him he explains, "I mean, I think we got off with the wrong impressions, me more so than you, but I'd like to know you. The real you. Because now that I know you're really a girl, I think I like you even more."

I smile at him. "I like you, too."

He grins at me then holds out his hand. "Hi, I'm Christian Trevelyan-Grey."

I place my hand in his and look into his eyes, smiling slightly as he smiles back at me. "Anastasia Rose Steele."

"Anastasia Rose Steele," he repeats, as if he's testing out my name. He grins at me again. "I like it." I try hard not to but I blush but know my face is burning pink, making him laugh. "I like you blush, too."

I bite my lip to keep myself from grinning wide like a loony-bird. "Thank you."

I gaze back up at him to find him gazing at my lips. He realizes I've caught him looking at my lips as he looks back up at into my eyes. I see the tell-tale changes of desire in his eyes. "Anastasia Rose Steele, I'd really like to kiss you again."

My eyes widen in surprise and I hesitate a moment, wondering if this will be a good idea, but my decision has already been made when I feel myself nod. My acceptance is registered in his eyes, and without hesitation from him he leans and presses his lips against mine. As I begin to kiss him back and feel the warmth of his skin caress mine, I think that I may have made the best decision of my life telling him my secret.

I know, I know, this is late but I twisted my ankle and then fell right on it last Saturday, and was busy during the week so I didn't get a chance to update, but I'm working on more chapters!

Thank you to all who have followed and favorited! And thank you for the reviews, your guys comments are so entertaining and I love reading your thoughts.

Hopefully I'll get chapter 20 out sooner rather than laters.

SS&G xoxo