Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man

Warnings: language (thanks Kanda)

Note: As mentioned before, Lavi is comfortable using he/him or they/them pronouns depending on how he feels. (In this chapter, more as a Bookman Apprentice more so than Lavi, Lavi feels more neutral than masculine-aligned.

Chapter: 3—The Thrown Gauntlet

There have not been many times in their history as a Bookman's Apprentice that they have been genuinely shocked. In fact, they could count the number of times on both hands with fingers to spare. Meticulous research and careful planning erased the opportunity for unexpected situations to encroach upon them; however, that did not mean surprise was an obsolete guest. The age-old saying of 'expect the unexpected' was something that the Bookman lived by, but there were just some things they could not foresee.

As they looked on at Allen being hauled away by CROWs after headbutting Timcanpy right into General Cross's face, now would be one of those times that threw them for a loop. The room was quieter with two rowdy exorcists absent, allowing Lavi to assess in detail what in the hell just happened in the meeting.

Their friend, Allen Walker, was the host of the Fourteenth Noah, the Musician, the exact one everyone had been wondering about.

Allen's foster father, Mana, had something to do with the Fourteenth—the naked shock on Allen's devastated face was clear as day in Lavi's mind, but they shook that away. Concern and worry were emotions to be processed at a later time. Now, they had to focus on what work had to be done.

The reveal of the Fourteenth was not the only thing that took them by surprise, no, no…

Both Allen and their other friend, Kanda, could fuse. Fuse, of all things! The topic of fusion alone was not something that was foreign to Lavi as they have heard about it throughout history. But…there was no way they would have expected fusion to occur between someone they knew. Fusion was common among children, family members, and those quite close to one another—all very expected in civilian populations. During their travels, Lavi had seen little three-eyed children running around happy to be themselves and taller-than-average-adults with a few extra limbs or odd coloring hugging themselves and smiling alone. All commonplace.

Fusion among exorcists was…something that had not happened in a long time. From what they had read in the archives, even when fusion had occurred, the fusions themselves were never stable and more often than not, dangerous and monstrous in form. Lavi remembered staring at the archives in their hands with an emotion that had been quite difficult to categorize. Fusions had been a danger to everyone around them if fused for too long—much too unstable—and eventually people stopped being compatible to even fuse in the first place. Nevertheless, from what the Director reported in the meeting…

What does this mean for Allen and Kanda? They contemplated, walking out of the emptying room. Who will Kallen be?

Lavi, a voice they knew all too well rang in their mind.

Leaning against the wall, they looked over at their Master who was staring at them with his dark-ringed eyes. Never speak of what you heard in this meeting to anyone. Other than the news of the new fusion, which will become public knowledge soon enough, no one needs to know what happened.

Red hair bobbed as they nodded their head slowly, familiar with the secrecy that came with their job though uneasy with the content. Won't the Director make a public statement about the Fourteenth tomorrow? Is there a purpose for the silence?

Even without the correlating facial twitch, Lavi was aware that Bookman was annoyed. You know not to ask stupid questions, apprentice. You know exactly what I mean.

A sigh swelled in their chest, and Lavi did their best to swallow it back. Knowing did not make the information any easier. Their friends' fusion and the Fourteenth would be known to everyone soon enough, but the news of the true nature of the Fourteenth's familial relation and how that connected to Allen and his foster father, Mana…that was deeply personal to their friend. Even further, what Cross said about Allen being destined to become the Fourteenth and having to kill someone he loved…the word 'troubling' was something that would not cover it.

Yes, they replied mentally, of course. Using that as a means to leave, they nodded to the old man before pushing off the wall and walking away. They were not sure if they could stay around Bookman at the moment—they felt too…off. Though their steps were even as they were walking down the hall, there was a creeping sourness in them that was making them off-kilter.

Before they had realized it, they had ended up in one of the restrooms in the hall. It was silent; everyone was mostly off doing their respective duties around the Order or asleep. The rain had since let up from earlier, the sound of raindrops lightly falling against the roof and windows surrounded Lavi with a dull drone. They were the only person in here, and they could see theirself walking closer and closer to the sinks in the mirror in front them. It was just them, just Lavi. But, then again….who were they?

Who am I, really? They thought, hands clutching the rim of one of the sinks. They were a Bookman's apprentice, placed here to record the history of the Holy War; however, they were not supposed to grow attached to the subjects they were meant to record—ink on paper. They were an exorcist, Lavi who wielded Little Hammer-Big Hammer and who was one of the most expressive people in the Order. Their master has repeatedly chastised them about their growing bonds with the people around them. I care too much…

And now, this incident with the new fusion coming to light…It seemed to smack them right across the face. The more they thought about it, the more troubling they continued to feel no matter how hard they tried to file away that emotion. Fusion between two (or more) people was the epitome of a bond and of emotion. It had always been like that since recorded history. It had been obvious to them, as they had read through the science division's records about previous fusions and fusers, as to why previous attempts at fusion in the Order failed. These past fusions were never stable and were often dangerous, the product of partners that would not compromise and only fused for the mission—no understanding, no true bond. These fusions were doomed to come undone since the start.

Other than what they had observed from familial fusions and those of lovers, Lavi had never expected anyone stable or lasting to come from fusing.

But now…now their two good friends—teammates, they corrected theirself—their two teammates have created someone that had proven to be a contradiction to previous records.

Lavi was well aware of Kanda and Allen's relationship: how well they worked together despite their arguing and bickering, their romantic relationship…Is that how they were a stable fusion?

They looked at their dark, gloved hands that were gripping the sink rim like a life line and slowly lifted their head to look at theirself in the mirror. A detached emerald eye looked back at them, eyebrows pinched in what could be described as bothered. Could a heartless Bookman's apprentice even be capable of fusion? They were not attracted to people romantically, so that ruled out the kind of relationship that Allen and Kanda had. In addition, they were not attracted to people sexually either, so that eliminated another type of relationship entirely. They cared for Lenalee with a fervor they had never experienced before, but they had both agreed that whatever the hell they had between them was neither romantic nor sexual. An oddity (1).

With the nature of fusion being brought to the forefront of their thoughts, they looked back at what Lenalee meant to them. Could…could it be possible for someone like them to ever fuse with another person? (With Lenalee? Their mind supplied.)

The view of a struggling Bookman's apprentice was shut away as they slammed their eyes shut and shook their head. They were an accomplished historian for a reason—they had to think as such, think logically. No need for foolish thoughts. Even if there was the slim percentage that they could be capable of fusing with another person, there was a high probability of them corrupting the other person and their shared fusion.

After all, how can someone bond with Lavi if there was no heart to bond to?

The pale, white-haired figure walking out of the briefing roomed moved as if being pulled on strings. Moving like a marionette, he walked further down the hallway, step by slow step, unaware of where his own body was taking him. Sluggishness plagued him now, and it was as if all his previous energy, understanding, and security in his own self was melting and dripping off of him, leaving a viscous shadow of confusion trailing behind him.

What the hell…did all that mean? How is this happening?

The change from the dim lamp-light of the hallway to the much brighter one of the open room to his right captured his attention. Before he knew it, his feet had moved to enter the room, and he smiled at what he saw. Lenalee and Johnny were leaning against one another on the sofa, fast asleep. Lenalee's hair was a little out of place, loose strands having slipped and fallen in her face, and Johnny's glasses had slid a little from his face, askew as they rested on the bridge of his nose.

A warm feeling bloomed in his chest. His friends had been so worried for him that they had waited here. They cared.

Well, what kind of friend would he be if he just left them here without at least doing one gesture of kindness? The rain had lightened from the downpour it had been before, but he knew that the temperature would get even colder with the progression of the night. With that, he grabbed a soft blanket that had been thrown on the arm of the sofa and gently placed it over them as not to wake them up.

If they woke up they would ask him questions without a doubt.

…Questions he did not think he had all the answers to.

As he turned to leave the room, he glanced at them once more over his shoulder and felt the smile that had graced his face die. He knew they had been worried about him, what with the sudden and ominous arrival of the CROWs to escort him. But, as he mulled about it in his head, did they truly care about him?

After all, the love and affection from the one person that had first given a damn about him—the one person that had meant the absolute most to him—was now in question.

Did Mana ever love him? Or, was it his damn brother, Neah, that was lurking inside of Allen? Cross's answer was not clear, which was typical of his Master, but this was something that he wanted, no needed, to be sure of. He felt his chest clench and his pace grow quicker as his own thoughts worked against him. Did Mana even see me for me, or did he only see his brother? He knew Mana had been…spacey, to put it graciously, but he had always made sure Allen was okay and always responded to Allen when he needed him. Was it the dog? He named me after the dog, but he never treated me like one. No, no, no, no, I couldn't have been the dog to him, he treated me like a normal, rude child with anger issues. Ice bleed into his veins and seized his lungs. But what if the kid he was seeing wasn't me…?!

He had a terribly sudden urge to play or at least hum the lullaby he had been taught to ease some of this damn anxiety that was making him sick. He could feel the allure of the Ark calling out to him, its power swirling around him just in reach, 'The Musician is upset. Play me, play me.' As enticing as that power was—warm and sweet and comforting—he refused to play, rejecting the lullaby. It was not the same anymore. God, why did Mana teach me that song? What did he want?

Memories of Mana came rushing back to him, but he could not help but question them all.

He remembered the circus, where Mana had taught him how to curb his aggression and channel it through different things like his chores. It had been where he was taught to perform alongside the older man, their clown duo routine being one of the favorites of the crowd. "Such a crowd pleaser! You know I'm quieter than you—you balance me out, little man. Almost like my other half, haha!"

He recalled when he had gotten sick, contracted a nasty case of influenza. "I don't think I could function without you," Mana had smiled and laughed, pressing a cold rag to Allen's fevered skin.

He reminisced about spending his free time goofing around and climbing trees. "So spunky for such a little thing!" Mana had called out from his place at the bottom of the tall tree. "You remind me of someone I knew…"

Was it all real? Was it all true? Or was it all Neah, Neah, Neah? Allen was so bloody sick of—

"Shit!" He came out of his almost fevered, frantic daze when a corner of the carpet caught his boot, tripping him and almost sending his head smashing through a window. He thanked his quick reflexes as his gloved hands shot forth against the wall and steadied him. A grin tugged at his mouth, relieved that he was not currently picking bloodied glass shards from his hair, but it soon morphed into scowl at what the saw in said window. In his reflection, he saw the smiling visage of the Fourteenth—of Neah—looking back at him.

An ugly, black smear of anger welled up in him, and he had to clench his own hand from smashing through the glass. It was all the Fourteenth's fault; every little thing was his fault. On top of that, his stupid Master was not innocent either, making him feel like this. "You will inevitably kill someone that you care for," flashes of his friends whizzed through his mind's eye, "someone that you love," until landing on Kanda.

Allen swore underneath his breath, whipping his face away from the window. Shoving himself off the wall, he started to make his way towards his room. All he wanted to do was just escape to his room, just for a few hours. He was nearly sick with anxiousness, trapped in its claws and ready to be swallowed whole. It did not help that he already made two wrong turns—this building was just as complex as the old HQ—on his way back, aggravating him further.

He did not want to deal with memories of Mana or the new revelations about the Fourteenth.

He did not want to deal with what Cross, his bullshit, and what he had said about what Allen was going to do.

He did not want to deal with fusion.

Fusion…Kanda…

"You will inevitably kill someone that you care for, someone that you love."

He really did love Kanda, didn't he? Allen, a person who had never been able to fuse with another human being, never cared about anyone enough to do so (Mana was different), was able to merge with Kanda in one being. Before, when he had thought about their fusion, all he could remember feeling other than pain was pure power, a combined, raw potential that had hummed in their body. It had been invigorating and frightening all at once. But, now, as he looked back, he remembered the euphoric feeling of something equally as strong: devotion and love.

Fuck his Master and what he said. Allen and Kanda had ever only told each other once, but that once cemented it all. I love him. I will never kill Kanda, ever.

Despite his vow, his own mind seemed to rage against him, make him doubt himself. It was like hearing his own voice, turned disgusting as oil, say to him, "But what if Kanda doesn't truly love you, like Mana?"

No, no, he could not think like that. Allen was aware that Kanda was not one to say something without meaning it. He did not outright lie. Besides, Kallen was just one physical proof how much he and Kanda loved one another. The only problem was that they had not discussed what the bloody hell they were going to do about their fusion situation. Christ, there were just do many consequences to what—who—they had created.

A few pink lotus petals flashed in front of his eye but disappeared just a blink later.

"Allen." A familiar voice brought him to awareness. Speak of the Devil, and the Devil shall appear.

He remembered the phantom feelings of bone-deep pain he had experienced before. "Kanda…"

Arms crossed across his chest, there was Kanda leaning against the wall to the side of Allen's bedroom door. His expression was pinched, eyebrows furrowed deeper than his resting scowl normally allowed. In addition, from the distance Allen was standing away from him, he could see the other furiously spinning one of the red beads on the bracelet that rested on his wrist. Suddenly, they made eye contact with one another and Kanda jerked his head to gesture at the door. Even without verbally saying, the message was clear.

'We need to talk.'

Kanda thought God had a particular vendetta against him.

He had been forced out of the meeting room, subsequently leaving Allen in there by himself with all those damn CROWs and Leverrier. "It's okay, Kanda," the Moyashi had said. "I'll be fine," he had told him. No matter how many times his partner had affixed that quick reassuring smile on his face, Kanda was not fooled. He knew the truth.

Allen was a fucking liar.

Ignoring the CROW that was still standing guard at the door, erect and unmoving like a stone statue, Kanda growled under his breath as he stormed off. The image of the man in all white being bound by binding spells, sweating and panting, made Kanda want to stab something. Several times. This feeling was only exacerbated by that fact that he, a skilled exorcist who could take pain and double it back on someone (or something), was useless to use his strength to help one of the few people that he actually gave a damn about. You better keep your word, Moyashi, or I'm going to punch you for lying to my face.

With all that was going on, he felt much too restless for his own comfort, not wanting to return to his own room. His nerves were tightened like wires running on overdrive, but any energy he previously possessed was gone, especially after the meeting with Leverrier. Irritation laced every fiber of his being, and he spun a few of the beads of his bracelet to see if it would help. It barely did.

God, he felt like a drained battery. (2)

If he went back to his own room, he was going to have to wait even longer to see Allen after he got out of that death trap they called an interrogation. Plus, the other's room was closer to his current location, so he allowed his feet to take him to Allen's room. When he got there, he sagged against the wall, comfortable in the fact he did not have to keep face with no one around. The majority of the Order was on the lower levels, still unpacking and rearranging, while the other exorcists were probably in their new rooms, getting accustomed to the new place. In fact, he knew that neither Allen nor himself had gotten the chance to even bring their things to their new rooms. He had no idea what his room looked like…

He sucked his teeth. There were times he wondered what the fuck was his life even, and now was one of those moments.

For a brief moment, he heard phantom, whispering voices in his head and saw the world shift into a monochromatic black and white. There were no Akuma present, but the trace feeling of combined desperation, bloodlust, anger, and sadness that accompanied the monstrous machines seized him unexpectedly. A startled blink later and gasp later, and the voices and feelings were gone. His vision had returned to normal.

A feeling not unlike nausea made his stomach churn because this was not the first time that had happened before. He knew where he'd heard experienced all that before.

Kallen.

Everything came back to what—who—they had created. Leverrier's threat loomed in his mind like a predator awaiting just one slip-up. Fuse, or their lives would be at stake. It was at a time like this where Kanda whished he was just as emotionally constipated as Lavi often told him he was. Then, he would not have the right connections with Allen to be in this mess in the first place.

No, he couldn't think like that. He just had to stop thinking period because his brain was screwing him over right now. I can't do anything to help him right now, it pained him to admit, so I'm just going to have to keep waiting. With that in mind, he took a deep breath and exhaled, trying to get rid of all the disgusting emotions that were plaguing him. (3)

Inhale, then exhale for double the count.

Untense the muscles.

Clear the mind.

Unorthodox it might have been, he was going to meditate while standing. It wouldn't be the best, most effective meditation session he'd ever done, but he needed to clear his head.

He pushed away all noises and feelings that could have possibly distracted him and focused on his breathing, focused on the beat and sound of his core-heart. He started to feel the anxiousness and ill-ease bleed from him and he took another deep breath, closing his eyes…

Inhale.

Exhale for double.

Inhale.

Exhale for double…

Even through the disconnected state of focus he had put himself in, he had a loose sense that a disconcerting amount of time had passed. He opened his eyes. That meeting shouldn't be this long, he groused to himself, both irritation and worry rearing their heads to bite at him again. He put away the thought of what the CROWs and Leverrier could be doing (to Allen), and instead focused on what he and his partner were going to have to talk about. As much as he hated 'feelsy' conversations, they couldn't ignore what happened. Not after the gauntlet that the Director had thrown at their feet.

Footsteps sounded suddenly in the hallway, and Kanda snapped his head to see whose it was.

Oh God, this was going to be a mess. He spun his bracelet. "Allen," he called out lowly, not having the energy to raise his voice. He took a second to observe the state that his partner was in. Sweat clung to his pale face near his temples, and the tension in his brows and jaw were evident even to Kanda. He saw his gloved hands clenched into fists, and he could only wonder just what the fuck happened while he was gone.

It seemed like it took a moment for the other to register him because there was a definite lag between Kanda saying his name and Allen making eye contact with him. He breathed sharply, "Kanda."

Allen's voice was like the spark that got him going. Kanda, jerked his head to the door, making is intention clear. They were going to get this over with.

Allen nodded, walking towards the room. However, he paused briefly before opening the door. "Wait a minute, though," he mused, waiting for Kanda to enter before he closed the door and flicked on the light (thank god this place was equipped with electrical lighting instead of lanterns), "why were you waiting out here? I would have thought you would have gone to your own room."

As Kanda looked around the new space, he shrugged, loosely gesturing to the door then to himself then to the door. Taking in the room, he noticed it was spartan: the bed, bedside table, incredibly small two-drawer dresser for clothes, and the table and chair fit for one seemed typical. Thankfully, the bed was already equipped with bedding and a pillow, though from the pristine looks of them, they looked to be hospital-standard. If he were to smell them, the scent of antiseptic would burn his nose here just as it would in the medical ward. What surprised him the most were the travelling trunk and few boxes on the floor pushed against one of the walls. He figured that one of their friends probably brought them up for Allen while he was…occupied.

He rested Mugen against the wall before situating himself in the single, uncomfortable wooden chair—God, his ass was going to go numb in no time. He looked at Allen silently.

The Moyashi seemed to understand him because he snapped his fingers and opened one of his boxes. It took him less than a minute to pull out a small notepad and pencil. He placed them on the table in front of Kanda before depositing himself on the bed. If anyone were to ask, he would deny that warm feeling in heart; the other knew that he didn't have the energy to communicate like normal. "Too much to handle today?" he gave a weak smile. "My room was closer, am I right?"

He nodded yes to both questions. Any longer answers that required more than a positive nod and a negative headshake would require them being written down.

Allen let out a heavy sigh, exhaustion clear as he pulled in a knee to use as a rest for his chin. "Oh Kanda, what the hell have we gotten ourselves into?"

In response, he made it a point to let out the most irritated breath he could while running his head through his bangs. After, he pointed to himself and then Allen before sandwiching his hands against one another. How ironic, he observed sardonically. It looks like I'm praying, but I'm the furthest thing from religious.

"Yeah, we do need to talk about us, about…about what we did." Allen leaned forward, lowering his voice as what he was about to say was a secret. If he felt anyway that Kanda was feeling, it would not be that far from the truth. "Kanda, I…I've been feeling things ever since we defused, and I know those feelings, the pain," Wait, pain? "the images could have never come from me. And that bothers me."

So, Kanda had not been the only one to be seeing and hearing weird shit post-fusion. Fuck, if he was inadvertently hurting Allen as some kind of weird bullshit side effect, then he wanted to know. He turned his hand in a rolling motion, signaling to Allen to continue.

Looking away, his voice dropped to something just shy of a whisper, "Pain like I've never experienced before—it felt like I was dying, over and over again," Kanda's eyes widened and ice bled through his body, "and, and I keep seeing things that make no sense: flowers appearing everywhere, petals flashing in my vision only to be gone a moment later. Never in my life have I gone through anything like this, so I have to ask:

Is this all from you?"

Damn, damn, damn. He couldn't tell him about the Second Exorcist project, and he wasn't in the habit of lying. Nonetheless, he couldn't just withhold an answer from him, either.

He grabbed the notepad and pencil, slowly writing down his thoughts with hesitation weighing down his hand. He was also acutely aware that he did not have the best handwriting, so he hoped it was legible at the very least. After he was done, he sighed and handed the notepad back to Allen.

Allen held on to Kanda's gaze before dropping his eyes to the notepad that was in hand. "'I hate to say that all that shit is from me,'" he broke of with a slightly alarmed look at Kanda who rolled his hands in the motion for him to keep going, "'and it sucks that you're going through this. You know I'm not a liar, so I'm not going to go and tell you something that isn't true. I can't say anything else.'" From the frown on his face, it was clear that the answer was not the one that he wanted. He was going to have to deal with it because there was no way he was going to tell him about everything that happened in the labs, no way. Allen continued, "Can't or won't, Kanda?"

He looked away stubbornly as he scowled, holding up two fingers.

"Both?"

He nodded, and there was a following silence in the room that made his skin itch. After what felt like forever, the Moyashi conceded—surprising, as Kanda had expected an argument—and heaved an irritated sigh. "Never thought I'd see the day where the one and only Bakanda would be opaque like this." If it were coming from anyone other than the Moyashi, he would have been offended. "But, I suppose that will have to do…"

The other seemed liked he wanted to say more, so Kanda raised an eyebrow and tilted his chin in response. Thankfully—and Kanda would keep this to himself forever so that his partner wouldn't get a swollen head—Allen was good at reading faces, so he understood what Kanda wanted to say. He handed the notepad back to Kanda, but before letting go, he left his gloved hand lingering over Kanda's slightly larger one. He squeezed gently, and Kanda could only watch the way the white fabric of the cloth crinkled around the knuckles, tight and uncomfortable-looking. Tense. "Just…" his silver eyes darted away before returning to his own with a strong light behind them, "just be careful, okay? I know I only felt a fraction of whatever the bleeding hell you've gone through, so I can only imagine what you have to deal with. You said you're not a liar, and I know you're not, so…will you be careful? For me?"

The next beat of Kanda's heart was particularly hard; it was not often he felt like this. The warm hand that was clutching his; the bright eyes that caught him off guard with their naked concern; the genuine tenderness that radiated out from Allen and enveloped Kanda like a warm bath—they all struck him, pinning him in place. For a moment, his cheeks were hot, and his breath caught in his chest.

The next moment, he jerked his hand away and looked anywhere but Allen.

From the tittering laugh that came from the man in front of him, he knew that Allen wasn't offended. But, to answer his question, he nodded his head to make sure the other knew he wouldn't just go and fling himself recklessly into battle or some shit. Then, just because he could, he turned back to Allen and flicked him on the forehead to get him to stop laughing.

It did not work.

Just as he was about to grab a pillow that was on the bed to smother the Moyashi with, the snickering male held up his hands in a placating manner, saying, "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing at you." At Kanda's scowl, he smiled. Kanda was torn between leaving and smacking that grin off his face. By some divine grace, that stupid grin softened to something softer, less tempting to take a swipe at. "That expression that was on your face—I haven't seen you like before. It was," he took a breath, "nice."

Kanda willed his face not to break out in another blush. God dammit, the Moyashi was, dare he say, cute.

The question that was asked next was what broke the easy atmosphere between them. "As much as I don't want to be reminded of what we have to do, it's my turn to ask: do you have anything that you wanted to know?"

Of course there were things he wanted to know! It was such a loaded question, and his brain reviewed everything that had happened since their defusion. Because he wanted to get them on to paper before he could change his mind, he scribbled them on the notepad with a jarring fervor. While he only had five questions, they were some of the most prominent that had been plaguing his mind:

-What happened during the meeting, and are you okay?

-Does the seeing things and black in white come from you?

-Is that the same for the voices?

-Whose voices are those?

-Is that what Akuma really look like?

The question of 'If so, then how the fucking hell are you dealing with all this shit?' was left unsaid. He remembered the bombardment of the voices and the visions being so insurmountably disorienting that it had been one of prime reasons to shake their stability, leading to their defusion.

Plus, all of that had given him a migraine like he had only experienced before in the labs.

When he was done, he practically shoved the notepad into Allen's chest and glared at him to hurry up and read it. Now, Kanda was aware that he was sometimes shit at reading people's faces—in fact, he had been told so (in more polite words) by his Master and Noise. Nonetheless, as Allen read what he had written, Kanda could tell from the slight widening of his eyes and the twitch of his jaw that he was both uncomfortable and perhaps anxious. He could not help but notice the crinkling of the paper as Allen's hands tightened around them.

With the notepad in his lap, which had been set down not unlike one would handle a bomb, Allen drummed his fingers against the paper. Despite the almost desperate need for answers, Kanda understood that it would not be wise to rush this. Reluctance, as Allen began to speak, was evident in his voice to a painful degree, "I…The word 'okay' is somewhat relative at this point," he said as his mouth twitched into something unpleasant that made Kanda's stomach turn. "But, to answer your question, as of right now, yes, I am okay."

His appearance had improved from earlier, but Kanda was still keeping a careful eye on him. The Second was familiar with the side effects of CROW magic in particular, so he knew just how much of a toll that could take on the body. Allen continued, glancing away in…shame? What did they do to you to make you act like this? The Moyashi was the least shameful person he had ever know, so to see him in this kind of state made Kanda want to punch something. Specifically Leverrier. "As for the meeting, I am afraid I can't tell you as per orders of Director Arsehole. You," he swallowed, "well, you will find out tomorrow with everyone else."

Fuck Leverrier and all his damn CROWs for all of this bullshit.

"I'm sorry to be so vague," he offered, clearly not happy about it himself, "but I can assure you that your other questions are much easier to answer."

Kanda felt his face morph into something of pure skepticism, conveying a clear 'Oh, are they?'

A huff of amusement fell from the other's lips as he shifted to a more comfortable position. The tense lines of his shoulders and hands eased into something less troubled. "Yes, don't worry your pretty little head, Bakanda. Now, seeing things in black and white stems from my curse. The Akuma are in color, as I'm sure you noticed. The voices—they come from me. I'm not fond of telling many people, but thanks to my curse," he tapped a finger to the red pentacle scar on his forehead, "I can not only see Akuma souls, but I can hear them as well. Same goes for normal souls, too."

Kanda made it a point to wave a sharp gesture at Allen's person. He wished to convey without the notepad, how are you still sane? While Kanda only saw otherworldly lotuses, he was not sure if he would be able to take hearing voices and seeing souls day in and day out.

"I'm used to it, so don't worry. And, to answer your final question, yes, those are what Akuma look like. However, only the Level Fours look that…" a grimace pulled at Allen's face as he coughed into his hand, "vile."

You damn right they were, Kanda nodded as he sighed again, contemplating on how in the hell was this their lives. A wave of tiredness passed over him—and Allen, from the looks of it—and he was reminded on just how long of it day it had been.

There was a silence that passed between them, though not one of discomfort. They had shared something between them that no other two people could combine to make, Kallen. Kanda looked at the male in front of him—still slightly sweaty face, disheveled hair, tired and sleep-deprived eyes, and slumped figure—and realized that this was the person he fused with. Never in his life had he ever been able to do it, not with anyone except this exhausted Moyashi. And, as much as he wanted to rest himself, Kanda knew that he could not leave him in this sort of state.

The baka Moyashi might be able to fool everyone else, but Kanda could spot his bullshit a mile away. Allen might have thought he was okay, but just from looking at him, Kanda could tell he was one good shove from keeling over from exhaustion.

With a 'gimme' motion, Kanda got the notepad back from Allen and scribbled down what he wanted to say before he changed his mind. After, he stood up from the wooden chair and walked right in front of his pale partner and gave him the notepad.

Curious as to why he had gotten up, Allen looked at Kanda before reading the notepad. 'Do you want me to stay the night?' it read. A surprised blink later and Allen shot up from the bed, waving his hands in front of him. "You shouldn't! I mean, y-you don't have to, Kanda! I'm sure you are very tired and would much rather being in your own—"

He cut Allen off with a slicing motion to his throat, telling him to shut up. Kanda caught the waving hand that was holding the notepad in his own hand, making it a point to keep it still. Slowly, he pried the fingers open one by one—ignoring the uncharacteristic stammering coming from Allen—and took the notepad. He wrote down what he wanted to say, underlining two words in particular before handing it back.

-I asked if you wanted me to stay here, not if I should.

Allen laughed derisively, "Ahhh, I guess you know me better than most, Bakanda."

Another written answer: 'I told you before that your bullshit doesn't work on me. I'm going to get a change of clothes and I'll be back. You look like shit warmed over and I'm staying here.'

"…Well aren't you just a romantic, then?" Allen took his hand back and crossed his arms, giving Kanda an amused smile. Kanda was rewarded with an actual laugh when he flipped him off on his way out the door. He'd much rather hear that than the fake, canned reactions the baka practiced in order to make others feel better.

It took him a few minutes to find his room, bare like Allen's, only containing the essentials. The only reason he found it on this unfamiliar floor was that he had spotted his boxed possessions through one of the open doors. He guessed he would have to mumble some thanks to whoever brought them up for him at a later time. Right now, his metaphorical internal battery was way too drained to deal with more than one person. After shutting the door and rifling through his wardrobe chest, he found some comfortable pants, a loose shirt, and his cream-colored sweater that he had a fondness for, loose threads and all. He got changed and shoved all of the extra things he didn't need to one side with the promise in mind that he would unpack everything tomorrow.

He left his room, hands in pockets to guard against the slight chill that lingered like a phantom. He did have to notice that this new HQ was much more comfortable than their old one was, the painted walls and carpeted floors of the residential halls much more inviting and warm.

When he returned to Allen's room, he knocked, door having been shut after he had left. As Allen let him in, he noticed that the Moyashi had changed while Kanda had left. Slightly mussed hair, black sweat pants, and sleeveless grey sleep shirt combined to be the exact definition of sleepiness.

"Well," Allen said, the pink on his cheeks very clear against his pale skin, "let's tuck in for the night. It's going to be a long day tomorrow."

Kanda idly rubbed his own cheek as he stared at the bed. What had been something of nonimportance when they had first entered the room, uninviting similar to a hospital bed, now morphed into a daunting obstacle. You're going to be in the same bed as you boyfriend, it seemed to taunt.

I said I was going to stay the night so I'm going to stay the night, dammit.

It was awkward considering neither of them was used to sharing a bed, let alone with their significant other. Kanda was used to sleeping by himself, well away from other people, and he was fairly certain that the Moyashi was used to sleeping alone as well. It took them a while to find a comfortable arrangement, the Moyashi's elbows were too damn bony and Kanda accidently kneed him in the side. A few choice words and wordless grunts later, they found a decent medium where they were both on their side, Allen's back to Kanda's chest. It was quiet for a few minutes but there was a particularly annoying tension in the air that Kanda didn't know what to do with. Thankfully, the universe took pity on them because, thanks to the baka, the silence was broken.

"…You know, I never thought we would be sleeping together this early in our relationship, Bakanda," came the lewd remark.

A swift smack on the arm followed suit, and Allen snickered. Neither of them had interest in sexual relations, something that had been established in the beginning (4).

The room was silent other than their breathing, slowing down to a softer rhythm, drowsier as the minutes passed. It was odd to be situated the way they were, crammed chest to back in Allen's bed that was glaringly meant for one person, but there was something comforting about the warmth of his partner next to him. He was coherent enough that he was able to hear the other murmur something just as the first beginnings of slumber blanketed over him.

"Thank you…for not leaving me."

Kanda hummed and rubbed his thumb over a star scar on Allen's bare shoulder before sleep claimed them both.

For the first time ever since he could remember, Kanda slept the entire night.

Published: 5/4/18

A/N 1: I would like to thank everyone who waited patiently for this update! I've been working on this for months like 5mins at a time during the semester, so now that the semester is over, I was able to finish it! And thanks to Elogane, jy24, Shadow Spears, and NerdyBlogs for reviewing last chapter and everyone who has faved and followed so far! 3

A/N 2: If you want to see or read more Fusion AU stuff, check out my tumblr: badlydrawnyullen

(1) Just a reminder that in this fic, I headcanon that Lavi and Lenalee are in a queerplatonic relationship. During their time period, however, they did not have the word 'queerplatonic', so Lavi and Lenalee have trouble describing each other means to them.

(2) Because Kanda is autistic, a lot of social interaction (and just doing a bunch of activities) will drain him. However, because I don't think the term "spoons" was used back then, he just describes what he feels: like a drained battery. (Spoons is the term used to describe how much energy someone has in them left. For example: "I been doing stuff all day and I'm out of spoons. I'll talk to you tomorrow.")

(3) If you're thinking this seems out of character for Kanda, he actually uses meditation quite frequently to calm himself in canon. I thought this would be a good time for him to practice it, given the circumstances.

(4) Just a reminder that both Allen and Kanda are asexual. Allen just likes to bait Kanda into reacting to the shit he says, haha.