Quick note: let me know if the rating needs to go up for anything. Kinda rusty w/ ffn at the moment.

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L: Thanks! Well I hope this continues to live up to your expectations lmao

"Got a new job for you!" Tails announced, static making his voice crackle. "His name is Nathaniel Lunatique."

"Lunatic?" choked out a baffled Sonic. "Like, with a k? You can't be serious." He swung the landline's ancient cord about with his finger.

A sigh warbled from the opposite end of the phone. "For one, Lunatic is spelled with a c," Tails deadpanned, obviously on the edge of both his seat and his last nerve. "Second, his name isn't even spelled with a c; it ends in q-u-e."

This time, it was the blue fellow's turn to huff in defeat. "Yeah, yeah. Just fax Shadow what the client sent you and we'll check him out."

Noises vaguely resembling a wailing pigeon burst from the phone, sending the hedgehog off of his perch on the armrest and tumbling down onto the uneven carpet. The assassin growled low in his throat.

"What the hell was that for?!" squawked Sonic, his words submerged in an ocean of cheap plush.

Nervous laughter bubbled across the transmission. "That was Knuckles. I think his controller broke again while playing Mario Kart."

He's that stressed? The assassin mused. The echidna's strength only flared under duress. Sonic found the uptick of these incidents understandable, given his friend's current situation; guarding the Master Emerald didn't spell relaxation when thirty trillion different government organizations continually plucked the rock away from safety. That's a hard burden to bear alone.

Maybe a functional controller or two fell within reasonable request when sore for company on a floating rock.

(Well, he had company, but Tails didn't really count.)

"...Okay, I'll let you deal with that," the assassin responded with a hint of sympathy. After a quick exchange of goodbyes and a stern don't-leave-the-phone-cable-in-the-oven-again from the two tailed fox, the hedgehog gently pressed his thumb into the red phone icon. A collection of low beeps signaled the transmission's end.

In succession, he swiveled his head in the direction of the office and gave a mighty cry of "Shadow, go check the fax machine, we have a new target!"

Various bangs and crashes shot back from the desk-adorned corner in reply. Sonic had to suppress a grin, only for said grin to blossom into voracious cackling as colorful expletives sprouted from the dark hedgehog's direction.

"Why the fuck can't you speak without busting my goddamn eardrums?!" demanded Shadow, storming over to the sprawling blue draped across the carpet.

"You love me, shut up." The speedster replied, smiling innocently.

Sonic found himself with a face full of angry pillow in the seconds following his innocuous statement, thrown by a fuming ultimate lifeform as he dashed over to the fax machine. The blue pile of quills simply lay there with the fabric muffling his snickers.

This lasted for about a good ten seconds before Sonic noticed a lack noise from his companion.

"...Shadow?" he murmured, more to himself than to his companion. Carefully plucking the pillow from his face, the blue speedster rolled onto his knees and stumbled his way upright. One glance to his left and his eyes met the image of a deathly still Shadow, paper clutched to his chest for dear life. In no way did the hog's stature even closely resemble that of the unfazed deadpan his friend projected by default.

Sonic padded over to the hedgehog with worry pinching his features. His concern blossomed further when he reached his friend without even a single glare in response, an event so unusual that the assassin began to wonder if he was still asleep.

"Um..." Sonic wavered, air tight in his chest. The foreboding atmosphere almost suffocated him.

As though snapped out of a trance, Shadow coughed into his elbow, paper hanging idly from his hand. He then spun towards the blue speedster with a practiced grace. Curtains of disdain draped across his irises.

The irritation burrowed into the ebony hedgehog's expression pulled relief out of Sonic in the form of a sigh.

"I'll be back in a few hours," Shadow barked, taking care to shove an extra copy of the fax into the chest of his friend before stalking towards the door. With a jolt of the knob, the wood swung open with ease and in seconds Shadow the Hedgehog vanished into thin air, only a plume of dust signaling he was ever present in the first place.

Sonic gaped at where his partner in crime once stood. What thehell just happened?

Deciding to investigate the jumble of papers still pressed against his abdomen, the assassin plucked the accursed parchment from his fur and scanned its surface with vigor. Boy, if the contents bothered someone like Shadow of all people, it should be a sight to behol—

Nathaniel Lunatique, Male, DOB:

"Huh?" Frowning, Sonic scanned the lower areas of the fax. Their client redacted a good chunk of information. That's... going to be an issue.

Birthplace: Station Square, Old Eggpire

Relations
-Parent(s):
-Sibling(s): n/a
-Spouse(s): Jane Lunatique (née ), DOB: 1/26/2215
-Child(ren):Lunatique, DOB: 9/3/2245
-Cousin(s):...

The list continued on for a while after that. Really, how many cousins did a guy need? Sonic skimmed over to the bottom in hopes of finding something uncensored. Maybe he'd even find whatever freaked out Grump McEdge.

Former Employers:

-MacDonnell's
-
-Mighty Martin's Curtain Emporium

Of course, the most obvious conclusion came to mind.

"... What does Shads have against fast food joints?"

—

Finding Lunatique was the easier part of the job. A prominent politician, he drew fame from his calm demeanor and cleverly devised taxation policies meant to benefit his personal shower curtain manufacturer. Any self respecting individual memorized his office address the moment they learned his name. However, his actual financial trail left much to be desired. His first and only savings account being opened at fifty years of age and checkings free of any history of withdrawals or deposits—in other words, barely used at all—meant that monetary dirt didn't even exist.

Why were they hunting this guy? Shadow didn't care. He just wanted to book it, slam dunk that goddamn fax in the shredder, and down at least five hearty glasses of milk. Mm, milk. That's the shit.

Oh, and speaking of shit:

Bzzt-! "Shads! You got any info yet?"

Ohlordhavemercy why did he have to shout into the wrist communicator?

The hedgehog yanked the wristwear towards his mouth and hissed, "What part of 'sneaking around a locked politician's office without being noticed' do you not understand?"

"Aw, geez, sorry. Just wanted to know if we have, y'know, an actual motive here. Some guy's resume doesn't tell us much," replied the assassin. Shadow groaned.

"I'm working on it. Shut up for a moment. Go take a nap or something."

"Sounds great!" Bzzt.

The blue dunce either missed the jab or ignored it. Great. Shadow returned his attention to the desk of papers, now sporting a migraine the size of Dr. Finitevus's almighty ego. The hedgehog knew why this man wiped his financial trial clean, sure, but like hell would he admit it if it meant acknowledging that second employer on the fax.

Yes, the sender made sure to redact that item. It's not as though he recognized the target's name or anything. Nope.

Realizing rather belatedly that he knew more information about the man than anything a pitiful investigation would unearth, Shadow resigned himself to another thirty minutes of "searching" before he'd head back and declare the transcript null; no motive, no information and, most important of all, no reason to confirm a contract with the client. Nathaniel Lunatique, go fuck yourself.

The ultimate lifeform plopped down into the office chair with little more than a flumph against the cushion. Stupid humans and their stupid human sized furniture. He dwarfed in comparison to the damn things.

His contempt distracted him so much that he didn't notice the barrel pressed against his temple—that is, until a voice pierced the silence.

"Game over, fuckmunch."